You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

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I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered .

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by .
The husband was suprised " ...

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Two deaf people get married and are confused on how to communicate about sex.

The wife says with sign language,"Now that we're married, we need a quick way to communicate whether we want to have sex or don't want to have sex." She thinks for a moment,"Okay when you want to have sex, pinch my right nipple. When you don't want to have sex, pinch my left nipple."

The hu...

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What's old, white, leans to the right and might pinch your ass if you get too close?

George HW Bush.

I ran out of toilet paper at Hartsfield/ATL. Then I remembered my mom had told me I could use pages from a book in a pinch.

I gotta say...it's really hard to wipe with an e-book.

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There have been troubling developments with Europe’s terror threat levels, recently:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1...

Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instruc...

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A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.

The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the fi...

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NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

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One morning while making breakfast

a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said...

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Basic Training in the Marines

On the first day of basic training in the marines, a drill instructor has new recruits lined up and is dressing them down.

He tells them “You aren’t men, you’re maggots!... you’re not even maggots! You’re a mite sucking a maggots dick! But in 6 weeks those of you who don’t quit are going...

how do you make a fruit farmer scream?

pinch his plums

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.

But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

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[NSFW] [OFFENSIVE] A Chinese man walks into a bar...

He is native from China and has a heavy accent.

The bar seems to be getting to wrap up. No one is there but Tom the bartender, and he is wiping stuff down.

Tom is well loved by his patrons for helping them out in a pinch. Despite it being close to clocking out... he will gladly let an...

My doctor told me to cut down on sodium.

I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

You should always keep a girl who likes nipple play on speed dial.

They're good in a pinch.

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Steve and Jason have their car break down on a deserted country road. [NSFW]

It’s late at night, there is no cell reception and they see only one house for miles surrounded by corn fields so they walk over and ring the doorbell. A disgusting old, wrinkly lady answers the door and asks them what they want.

“Our car broke down and we need to call a tow truck but we don’...

As the crowded elevator descended,

Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said,

"That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was half...

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23 Limericks

These are all originals. The only way you saw one of these before this was posted is if you hacked my phone. If your name is on here, you owe me an upvote.

There once was a woman named June
Who was born about nine months too soon
She didn't have the luck
To be born by a fuck
She ...

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How to cook leftovers

Ingredients:

1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup sugar
Pinch of salt
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
5 eggs
2 cups cake flour

STEP ONE- Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

STEP TWO- Place the butter and sugar in a mixing bowl after greasing the cake pan and beat them ...

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater w...

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[NSFW]Two Scottish lasses are walking to school one morning...

...when they come upon a man passed out under a tree after a night out drinking. They approach the burly, bearded man and one girl says " I n'er seen a mans penis before. Let's take a peek!" So, they lift the mans kilt and the other exclaims " It looks like a wee chick sitting in a nest! It needs a ...

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In Russia, there's a lot of great one liners about how severe people of the town "Chelyabinsk" are.

Due to the town's location and social-economic conditions, citizens of this town became sort of a legend for their toughness, hence these nice one-liners were made:


- **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, that instead of a birdhouse they nail a doghouse to their tree.

- **The ...

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I was meeting my future father in law for the first time...

He asked me, "Are you here for my daughter's hand?" In the interest of being honest, I replied, "I'm mostly interested in her vagina." He was taken aback so I quickly added, "but in a pinch her hand'll do the job."

Gordon Ramsay screamed at me that I didn't know the first thing about seasoning

But I took it with a pinch of sugar

Offside rule for women

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

I...

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So my girlfriend takes me out to this bar the other night...

... and as we're sitting there, she goes up to the bartender and whispers something in his ear.

"What did you tell him?" I ask her.

"Oh," she says. "I asked him to make you this amazing drink. You have to try it."

So we go to the bar and the bartender puts a shot of Baileys, som...

Three sheiks brag about the size of their family

I have 5 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own basketball team.

Oh yeah? Well I have 11 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own football team.

The third one is in a pinch, since he was blessed only with daughters. But then he thinks of something to brag about.

Oh yeah? Well ...

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A newly wed couple laying in bed...

...the wife turns to her husband and says, "Sweetheart, I've decided we need to have a 'signal' that we want to have sex. If you want to have sex, reach over and pinch my nipple once. If you don't want to have sex, pinch it twice."

The husband says, "Okay, and if you want to have sex, reach ...

Visiting married friends

Hamish MacTavish is visiting his married friends Sandy and Glenda MacDougal.

”Sandy, I can’t help it,” says Hamish, ”but Glenda really turns me on. If I could pinch her bare backside just once, I would give you a thousand dollars.”

”For that kind of money,” says Sandy, ”I don’t think t...

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Talking to my grandpa today.

He asks, "what's the second fastest thing in the universe?"

"I don't know, grandpa," I say.

"Your asshole closing," he says.

I, now confused, ask, "what's the first fastest thing in the universe then?"

He looks at me with a straight, almost sad, face, and responds -...

What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab?

"Looks like you've got me in a pinch."

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A fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches..

A fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrat...

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From Gramps

A drifter drives through town and stops by at the local bar. He buys a shot from bartender then asks, "Hey, I didn't see any local talent round here as I was coming in. What do y'all do to let off some steam?"
The Bartender gesture to the back door and replies, "We have a special barrel outba...

MY friends are like second-day socks...

They come through in a pinch, but they really stink sometimes.