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Baseball Game Jokes

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent goes to Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill looks up at the agent and says "I'm not sure I can do that". The agent then says "Well, sir, it's the teams and fans request and I think we ...

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the 5th.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

Why did the cops show up at the baseball game?

They heard someone was stealing bases.

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

I got kicked out of a B League baseball game for heckling the players

When they approached me I asked them “Are you telling me I’m outta here?!”

A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

He knows nothing about the game so when the first batter got walked, the Scotsman asked the fans next to him what happened.

"He got four balls, so he gets to go to first base freely," to which the Scotsman stood, and clapping loudly, shouted "Walk proud, lad! Walk proud!"

Why do they play baseball games at night?

Because the bats are asleep during the day.

It’s the first baseball game of 2020

This was told to me by my 90 year old Grandpa.

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runn...

They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games.

They lost the opener.

What was the score of the Ethiopian baseball game?

Eight-nothing

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

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In the summer, I was watching a baseball game that was getting a bit boring

The broadcast had a main "play by play" commentator and also a "color" commentator (to talk about stats, player's backgrounds, and random stuff the viewers would find interesting).

At one particularly dead point, the color commentator said "I've got three trivia questions here. First one - f...

Guy goes to a baseball game...

Finds his seat, starts perusing his phone before the game starts and hears, “Hey Bob!” The guy scans the crowd behind him and can’t see who called out, shrugs and goes back to his phone. 20 seconds later he hears, “Hey Bob!! Over here!!” He puts the phone down, looks into the crowd and again, can’t...

Donald Trump is attending a baseball game with Melania.

The game is about to start, and the speaker makes an announcement. Suddenly Donald grabs Melania and throws her off the balcony.

After a few seconds of silence, the speaker comes on again:

"No, Mr President, I said throw the first PITCH"

3 guys and 3 nuns are at a baseball game.

The 3 guys are sitting behind the nuns and they can't see over the habits the nuns are wearing. Irritated, one of the guys says, "you know, I'm gonna move to Wyoming. I hear there are only 100 nuns there."

The second guy says "I'm gonna move to Nevada. There are only 50 nuns there."

Th...

A little girl went to her dad’s baseball game.

Her dad is an MLB player. He’s famous for bunting the ball. The little girl doesn’t understand. She thinks the point is to the swing all the way with the bat.

So, next time he bunted, the girl shouted, much to the shock of the crowd, “HARDER DADDY!”

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Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game?

She was trying to catch some fowl balls.

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A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached home plate, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "run, run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.

The Scotchman was now exited and ...

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A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

The Scotsman sits down to enjoy the game and the first pitch is hit and the crowd jumps to their feet and cheers!

The man next to the Scotsman yells "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"

so the Scotsman echoes "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"

The next batter again makes contact with the pitch.

T...

Irish man's first baseball game.

An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"

The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irish m...

A guy was trying to find a parking space at a baseball game

and he was already missing the first inning, so he prayed to God and said "If you find a parking space for me I promise I'll never miss church again." Just then a car pulled out of a space right in front of him, and the guy said "Never mind, I just found one."

Two old ladies go to a baseball game with a jug of whiskey. Name the inning and number of players on the bases.

Bottom of the fifth, bags are loaded.

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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

I saw Batman's son at a baseball game today.

His name was printed on the back of his shirt: "Bat Boy."

Three nuns went to a baseball game

Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion.

"I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there," said the first man.

"20 nuns? I'm going to mo...

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."

"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!”

A Scotsman goes to America and attends his very baseball game.

He’s never been to a game in Scotland, nor watched a game on TV, or seen movies such as Bull Durham, The Babe or Eight Men Out.

He figures out players need to beat out the throw to first base before arriving to first base

The visiting teams pitcher throws 4 pitches out of the strike zo...

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A man and his wife were at a baseball game a couple of States over.

The man after buying her a bag of peanuts realized he had no more money for a hotel room or gas to get home.

He looks at his wife and says, " I have no money, your going to have to sell your body tonight in order for us to get home!"

She said, " Alright, I'll be back in 3 hours."
...

Boyfriend and Girlfriend are at a baseball game

the boyfriend leans over the girlfriend and says, "I'll kiss you on the strikes, if you kiss me on the balls"

A small boy got lost at a baseball game...

He went up to a police officer and said: "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" asked the police officer sympathetically.
The boy replied, "Beer and women."

Where is the annual no arms and no legs baseball game held?

Wriggly Field

So a latino man and his friend decide to go to a baseball game together.

He made it a point to be there very early so that they wouldn't miss the singing of the star-spangled banner as it was his favorite part of any sporting event.

As they're waiting for it to be sung his friend asks him out of curiosity, "hey man, why is this your favorite part of the game?" And...

Took my girlfriend to a baseball game this last season

We made a deal in the beginning.

I kiss her on every strike and she kisses me on the balls.

What did Glenn say to Maggie at the baseball game?

I'll keep an eye out for you!

Before the shooting the worst problem at the congressional baseball game was...

Republicans don't want to play left field.
Democrats don't want to play right.
Nobody wants to play center.

Went to the first baseball game of the year with my wife yesterday

We made a deal so that after every pitch, I would kiss her on the strikes and she would kiss me on the balls.

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A Scotsman moves to the United States and watches his first baseball game

When a runner hits a ground ball he watches everyone yelling for the player to run, when next player does the same thing he joins in. The next goes up to bat and he gets three balls and a strike. The last pitch is a ball and the player drops his bat and starts to walk to first base. The Scotsman yel...

Three old women go to a baseball game....

...To make things more interesting, they sneak in a bottle of bourbon with them. After a while, a lot of the game has gone by, and the ladies find they are almost out of bourbon. Given the information here, can you tell me the status of the game?



>^(It's the bottom of the F...

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

I licked the batter

Everyone at the baseball game was looking at me weird

"So José, how was America?"

"Oh it was wonderful, amigo, those Americans are so kind. I went to go watch a real American baseball game but the tickets were all sold out. Feeling bummed out I walked around the side of the stadium when I saw a flag pole right next to the field! I climbed right up it and could see the whole ba...

Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it.

"What did you do?" asked his brother.

"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!"

"Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother.

"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"

I was watching a baseball game the other day when the pitcher struck out a batter in 3 pitches. The announcer said, "…and he goes down Paul Ryan style". His partner asked, "What makes it Paul Ryan style?" To which he replied…

No balls

Bills

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much. The twenty answered, I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the ...

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I told my wife that I can do whatever I want.

I can go out and drinking with my friends. I can smoke all my favorite cigars and attend all the football and baseball games I want. I can spend the weekend in Vegas with my buds and blow all the money in our account at the casinos.

I felt pretty good about myself, and I started walking out o...

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

There was a man with leprosy

Jim had leprosy which was bad because he had constant sores full of pus. The doctor said he could keep him alive but could do nothing about the sores. Because of this Jim could never wear a shirt as it would be soaked with pus and ruined.
One day Jim's friends decided to take him to a baseball g...

My favorite joke since I was five

I’ve seen other versions on here, but this is how I’ve always told it for the last 30+ years...


**Why was it so hot at the baseball game...**


*...because there weren’t any fans there!*

Nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy sp...

Leper Jokes

Why did they stop the leper football game? There was a hand off at the fifty yard-line.



Why did they stop the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.



Why did they stop the leper baseball game? Somebody dropped a ball in left field.



(I us...

A psychiatrist takes his patients to a ballgame

A psychiatrist is taking his patients out to a baseball game. He tells them to get on the bus by saying "get on the bus, nuts" and when they get to the stadium he says "get off the bus nuts." When they get to the seats he tells them "get in your seats, nuts."

During the game he goes to the ba...

First Pitch or ...

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you ...

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Two middle eastern brothers move to the US...

they each make a bet over which will be more Americanized in a years time. At the end of the year the first brother says to the other "Today I'm going to see my son play in a baseball game and after we're going to McDonalds for dinner". The second looks at him and says "Fuck off towel head".

A man named Jose has just moved from Mexico to the US

and he wants to do something very American so he decides to go to a baseball game.

Unfortunately, the game is completely sold out. However, the cashier says there is one seat available if Jose is willing to sit atop the flag pole. He agrees.

Finding the pole, Jose climbs to the top an...

A man named Jose moved to America...

A man named Jose moved to America and the first thing he does is go to a baseball game because it seemed like a very American thing to do. When he got there he had to sit by the flag and there were many tall people in front of him. Suddenly everyone in the stadium turned toward him and sang, "Jo-ose...

Baseball bet

Two guys are sitting at the bar watching a baseball game when the batter hits a high pop fly to center field.

The first guy says “I’ll bet you $50 bucks he drops it.”

Second guy says “You’re on. That’s an easy play.”

The centerfield proceeds to drop the ball and the second gu...

A guy and his panda

A guy is driving his pick-up truck through a small town, and he's got a panda in the front seat with him.  The guy spots a police officer, pulls over, and tells the officer he found a panda just walking along the road.  Now the guy is wondering what to do with the panda.  The police officer says, "W...

I know it's bad...

Last night's baseball game was epic. The two teams had rosters full of the most popular players in the league. It also marked the comeback of popular SS Jed Marksby from a severe ocular injury. The game ended on a check swing that was appealed to the 3rd base ump. He called it a strike and the h...

How do you avoid bats flying into your face?

Don't go to baseball games.

A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive

After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.

"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."

The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."

The Old Ball Game

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and th...

Walk with Pride Laddie

A Scotsman was visiting the U.S. and went to a baseball game. The first batter hit a single and the crowd yelled "Run, run." The second batter hit a double and again the crowd yelled "Run, run."
When the third batter was walked the Scotsman yelled "Run, run Laddie." thinking he was getting t...

Jose takes a trip to the USA

Jose just returned to Mexico and couldn't wait to me about his trip to the USA.

He said he went to a baseball game and sat in the outfield stands, directly underneath the flagpole. He said the game was great and all the Americans were so polite. Before the game stated, they turned to him and...

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It's a convict's first day in prison

he's a young convict and here's there crying. An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place. Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.' He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's gre...

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A man goes to prison...

He's pretty nervous, having never been behind bars before.

He turns to his cellmate and says, "I've never been to prison before, I'm not sure I'm going to make it!"

The cellmate, eager to comfort the new inmate, "Aw, prison ain't so bad! I think you'll grow to enjoy it after awhile."...

A Scotsman...

newly immigrated to the U.S. wants to immerse himself in American life, so he goes to a baseball game. He has no clue how it's played, but every time the batter takes off for first base all the people around him yell, "Run! Run!" So he stands up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!"

In the fou...

A little boy and a little girl were walking home from school...

The little boy says to the little girl, "This weekend, my dad's gonna take me to ride a horse!"

The little girl says, "Oh, I have my own pony."

They walk a little further.

The little boy again pipes up, "Next weekend, my dad's taking me to a baseball game!"

The little gir...

A man is walking down the street and realizes that a penguin is following him.

A man is walking down the street and realizes that a penguin is following him. He turns right, turns left, crosses a street but the penguin is still following him. Annoyed, he returns home thinking about a way to get rid of the penguin, who probably escaped from the zoo. As he is walking, he sees hi...

A joke I heard a while back.

A doctor at a mental hospital promises the patients in his care that if they behave well for the next two weeks, he'd take them to a baseball game.When the day of the game arrived, the doctor and patients, along with the doctor's assistant, headed to the game. At the national anthem, the doctor said...

A Mexican Man

Who is new to the United States is telling his friends about his recent trip to a baseball game.

He says "after I found my seat I was sang a song to by the whole crowd!"

His friends ask him what he means.

He says "The song they sang to me went something like this: Jose can you...

Baseball Date

A young lady from a very conservative family is finally allowed to go on her first date. The young man picks her up and they go to a baseball game.

The game was a little boring, so to avoid any awkwardness, the guy gets an idea. He says to his date, "I have a little game we can play, if you...

Walk with Pride

A man moves from Scotland to the US and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run! Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman  stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent:  "R-r-r-un, yah bloody bahstard.   R-r-run!...

A Scotsman moves to America [long]

This is probably been here before, but I still think it's a good one.

A Scotsman moves to America. His new coworkers invite him to a baseball game. He decides to go to try to learn more about American culture. He has a $12 hot dog and a warm beer. Throughout the game, people keep jumping up ...

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A Scotsman decides to make a trip to America for the first time.

A scotsman decides to make a trip to America for the first time. When he got there he wanted to do the most American thing he could think of so he went to a baseball game. He had never seen the sport played before so didn't really know the rules and was just copying what the crowd was doing. A batte...

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