My best friend slept through a burglary.

He was a terrible getaway driver.

Victim (after burglary): They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels.

Cop: Those dirty crooks.

After a burglary a store owner calls the police

After a burglary a store owner calls the police. After they arrive one officer takes the owner aside to ask about what happened:

"How tall was the perp'", the officer asked.
"He was about six foot", the owner replied.

"Did he have any distinguishing characteristics?"
"Well, he di...

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen accused of burglary.

"All rise", said the Judge, "Please state your name and role for the record"

"Adam James, prosecutor"

"Sarah Connoley, public defender"

"Timmy Larson, I -um- I'm the one who broke into the liquor store"

What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause

Last week, a burglary was reported at the fairgrounds

The burglars appear to have taken the bumper cars, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the spinning teacups, the Whirligig swing, the carousel and the Ferris wheel. Detectives have been searching the fairgrounds for clues, but report they still haven't found anything to go on.

There was a burglary last night at the Los Angeles Police Department headquarters.

The thief or thieves stole all of the toilets.

When asked about the investigation, and LAPD spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

I slept through a burglary once and it was a fatal mistake.

Next thing I knew I was being thrown in a police van.

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

A man awoke one evening to dis...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator...

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.



The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."



So the couple w...

I met a woman once, she was able to light up the room when she walked in. When our eyes met...

She screamed and called the cops. I was later charged with breaking an entering and attempted burglary.

It's muggy outside

But inside, it's burglary.

Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.

"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.

"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy visits a farm

He is given a tour by the farmer. At some point he spots a pig with a wooden leg. What's the story of this pig over there, he asks the farmer.
Oh! Glad you asked. This pig, he's something else. Last year, we had a fire in the house. Flames and smoke everywhere. We all got out in time but then my ...

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.

Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to...

Lawyer Joke....

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put,...

Topical Jokes for 1/6

A report shows that North Korea has 6,000 cyber attack specialists. In fairness, North Korea’s definition of “cyber attack specialist” is anyone who’s ever watched “The Matrix.”

...these cyber attack specialists can access any computer on the planet, and leave the message “Please. Help me get...

A Burglar Breaks into a house...

He breaks into the house and initially he hears "Jesus is watching you." He shrugs it off and continues to his burglary. Again he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks around and sees a parrot, and the bird repeats, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar asks the bird what its name is, and it says ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blow

So, I was in a bad situation, lost my family, home, all of my money, I needed some cash. Due to this I decided to try my hand at burglary. Thinking big and ambitious I headed to London, to break in to some big mansions there. Finally got it all planned and found the perfect house. Night descended, s...

Police dog

One evening, a deputy in the canine division was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building open. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging t...

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