I told my wife she was plucking her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

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Staring at my girlfriend's ring, I can't believe it took me months to pluck up the courage to finally ask the big question...

"Can we try anal?"

Dude #1: “I’ve got a thing for plucking people’s eyes out.”

Dude #2: “I can see that.”

Dude #1: “No you can’t.”

Roses are red, and ready for plucking. Girls out of high school, are you ready for...

College

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Each orders a pint of the bartender's finest ale. The moment they are served, three flies appear, each fly diving into one of the men's pints.



The Englishman, disgusted, pushes his pint aside and orders another.



The Scotsman fishes the fly from his drink, and with a s...

I finally plucked up enough courage to beat up the school bully.

It was a different school, and 15 years later,
but damn it felt good

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A son asks his father what a vagina looks like.....

And the father says "It looks like a very beautiful flower that must be plucked very gently"
And the son asks "What does it look like after its been plucked?"
And the father responds "Like a bulldog with a mouth full of mayonnaise"

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Taxi

Woman takes a taxi. After a while she noticed that she doesn't have her wallet.

*Woman*: „Sorry, but I don't have any money, could I pay somehow else?“

Taxicab drove into dark forest, stopped there, got out of the car and spreaded blanket on ground. ...

What's the problem with manually plucking herbs all day?

You've got too much thyme on your hands.

The Power of Words

A soldier in the trenches of WWI had lost his rifle in a previous battle. His sergeant ordered his troops to attack. He didn't move. The sargeant screamed at his soldier. The soldier said, "Sarge! I lost my rifle in the last battle." Sarge looks around and finds a wicker broom. He says, "Point this ...

A man goes out shooting ducks.

He shoots a few, picks them up in his sack, and begins to walk home to pluck them. On his way home, he passes the local pub. From inside, a friend of his calls his name. He goes inside, they talk for a while, have a few beers, then his friend asks, "so whatcha got in ya sack, mate?" The man replies ...

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3 people walk into a bar

3 people walk into a bar
1 of them offer a challenge;
Whoever can drink 10 beers, pluck a tooth of a lion and have sex with a woman wins.
So each of them got 10 beers
The first drinks 6 and passes out.
The second drinks all of his beers take the other 4 from the previous person and he...

I was eating lunch in the park...

...when all of a sudden a crow landed in front of me and promptly keeled over on its side. I set my lunch down and leaned forward to see what the matter was.

In that moment, an owl swooped in, plucked my sandwich off the bench, and carried it up to the treetop above me. Imagine my further sur...

Four men and a boat

Three blind men and a one-eyed man need to cross a lake in a row boat. So, the one-eyed man is the navigator helping to guide them while the blind men take turns rowing. Everything is going well and they get to the middle of the lake. Out of nowhere, a crow flies over and lands on the edge of the...

I forgot to pluck my eyebrows while getting ready this morning.

It was an oversight.

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A man meets a woman at a bar

He plucks up the courage and asks her name.
"Carmen" she says seductively
"because i like cars and men, what's yours?"
The man thought for a moment.
"Beercunt"

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Frenchman walk into a bar...

they all sit down at the and order a beer. Just before their first sips, a fly lands in each of their respective beers.

The Frenchman pushes his beer back with his nose in the air and exclaims, "barkeep! This beer is spoiled, bring me a fresh one".

The Englishman plucks the fly...

[long] The confession

Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but
I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled
with guilt these past few months and have been trying
to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face,
but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myselfva ...

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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

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Dave comes home blackout drunk.

With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Phil in bed on top of his wife.

He lies down and instantly passes out.

Phil panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers:"Don't go, this moron is so drunk he won't even feel me plucking a hair on his ass."

The wife ...

I keep confusing Descartes with Diogenes

I am what I am, a plucked chicken.

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot all walk into a bar-

-and all order a pint. Barman pours them and serves them up, one-two-three. In that moment, three little black flies all land, one each, in their pints.

The Englishman calls the barman over. “Pardon me, but could you pour me another?” He asks, indicating the fly.

The Irishman plucks th...

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A Frenchman, a Mexican and an Irishman go to a bar

And each orders a beer.

The Frenchman looks into his beer and sees a fly, calls for the waitress, and demands a replacement.

The Mexican sees a fly in his, plucks it out, and drains the beer.

The Irishman grabs the fly by its wings and violently shakes it over his mug screaming...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking all those chickens.

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house--there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have ...

The greedy man and the envious man

A greedy man and an envious man met a king. The king said 'One of you may ask something and I will give it unto him provided that I give the other twice as much'. The envious person did not want to ask first for he was envious his companion would receive twice as much and the greedy man did not want...

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A Man Walks Into the Neigbourhood Bar

He goes in and orders a drink for himself. He notices an attractive lady sitting by herself a couple tables away. Too attractive for someone of his own league, he thinks to himself.

Halfway through too many drinks though, he ends up plucking up enough courage and approaches her. "May I sit do...

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A businessman breaks down on the side of a country road...

Along his trip to the big city a businessman's car breaks down on a long stretch of country road. As he exits his car he finds no mechanic shops or gas stations along the road and his phone is out of the service area. Luckily a farmer on a tractor stopped by and offered his support.

Farmer: ...

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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

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Parrot Joke

A lady walking to work evryday passes by a pet shop. Out on the sidewalk sits a parrot on his perch. As she passes the parrot goes "HEY LADY." she looks at him and says "yes" the parrot replies "You're fucking ugly." The lady gets her panties in a knot and walks off in a huff.

The next da...

Ancient Humor

Once Plato said "Humans are nothing but featherless bipeds". To this, Diogenes came running with a plucked chicken and said "Behold! A man"

A Brit, a German, and an Irish man walk into a bar and order a beer....

The Brit sees a fly in his beer. He asks the bartender for a new beer, and drinks it.

The German sees a fly in his beer. He plucks it out, throws it on the ground, and drinks it.

The Irish man sees a fly in his beer, he plucks it out, holds it over the beer, stares at the fly and lea...

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Father and his 5 year old Son are walking on their farm together...

The dad steps in dog poo and yells "SHIT!"


The son asks, "Daddy, what does shit mean?"


The father answers, panicking as he doesn't want to set a bad example, "Its another word for doormat"


The son is convinced and the dad breathes a sigh of relief.


Later...

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Life as a redditor

I saw a pretty girl. Finally I plucked up the courage, and asked for her number.
She said "got a pen?"
I said yes.
She said "well get back in it you fat fucking pig".

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

Each man orders a pint of lager and sits down.

The bartender delivers their beers, and as soon as he does, three large flies that have been buzzing around the bar land in each of their glasses.

"Bloody hell!", says the Englishman in disgust. "What a perfectly good waste of a perfectly...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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An Englishman an Irishman and a Frenchman travel to the jungles of Africa

...and came across a tribe of man eaters that also had a grasp of the English language. The tribe leader expressed that today was a good day for the trio as the tribe had defeated an enemy tribe, had finished feasting and were preparing to celebrate so they had the option of offering a body part for...

A scientist performed an expirement on a spider...

He put the spider on a table and told it to jump, and it did. Then, he plucked off one of its legs and told it to jump, and it jumped again, but not as high as the first time. The scientist did this again and again, taking off another leg each time until all of its legs were gone. When the spider ha...

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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

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A man walks in to the patent office with an apple and sets it on the counter and says...

...."I want to patent this apple", the patent officer says "That's just an apple you can't patent that", the man says "Oh, but this is a special apple. It taste like pussy.", patent officer looks confused and the man says "go ahead take a bite". The patent officer plucks up the apple and takes a b...

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A Roman, a Gaul and a Vandal are all sitting at the bar in a tavern…

Feeling friendly after a few cups of vino, the Roman stands up and says, “Ad Gloriam Romae, I shall share Rome’s glory and buy the next round of drinks!”
The three happily clink mugs and drink together on the Roman’s coin.
Draining his wine, feeling pleasantly fuzzy, the Gaul stands and says, ...

A young couple is on their honeymoon.....

A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find o...

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Pesky Erection

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says...

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Every time I go to the dentist...

Every time I go to the dentist, they always ask if I've been flossing. Not to be a liar, I tell them no.

"I could tell," the dentist will always say. "Your gums are red and inflamed."

Then he'll give a little lecture about how I need to be flossing every single day. Well, after my la...

A man had a goose on top of a building. What's the easiest way for him to get down?

Pluck it off the goose.

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[NSFW] Can I...?

Here's an old Roy Chubby Brown joke.

I was in my changing room the other day and a female staff member came in and was tidying up. I looked at her for a while and then plucked up the courage to ask, "Excuse me, love. Can I smell your pussy?"

Shocked, she slapped me and shouted, "You m...

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A guy suspects his wife is cheating.

Every day he comes home from work to find his wife naked in bed; obviously tired, turned on, and soaking wet. He tells her the next time he comes home and finds her in this state, he's pulling her pubic hair out one by one. The next day he comes home to find her in the same position. He gets on the ...

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WOMEN eh!

Boob-jobs,

nose-jobs,

teeth bleaching,

tummy tucks,

liposuction,

colonic irrigation,

botox,

pierced ears,

pierced nipples,

pierced bellies,

pierced clits,

eyebrows plucked,

bikini wax,

armpits shaved,

l...

I was talking to a woman. After a while she told me she had never been on a date before.

She said, "I've never even asked a man out."

I said, "Why not?"

"I fear rejection," she replied.

"Well," I winked. "Why don't you ask me out?"

She plucked up the courage and said, "Do you...want...to go on a date?"

I said, "No, thanks. You're not my type."

Three loonies

There were three loonies in an asylum. Their doctor said that they can go after looking after an animal each, they need to find out more about the animal.

The first person gets a dog, the second gets a cat and the third gets two spiders in a matchbox.

A week passes.

The first pe...

A scientist is running experiments with spiders...

He believes he has discovered something profound so he calls up everyone he can, family, friends, press to come see him present his discovery to the world.

Everyone shows up and the scientist begins his experiment. He has 8 spiders lined up in a row and he says simply "walk three steps forwar...

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Learning to play the bass

Little Bobby Tavoli came to his father one day and said, "Father, I want to learn how to play the bass."

Having been burned before when Little Bobby decided he wanted to learn something and then quit, Papa Tavoli replied, "That's fine Little Bobby, but you have to stick to it this time. After...

25th wedding anniversary

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I’d ho...

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Three buddies from high school take a trip to Mexico...

Each of the men has spent their lives productively, and are each at the top of their respective fields, and they've kept in touch over the years. They decide that, to celebrate their twentieth high school graduation anniversary, they're going to go down to Mexico City together and generally live it ...

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The monkey and the cue ball

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. Bartender looks over saying,
"What'll it be?"

"Whiskey, and whatever my friend here will have." The monkey ignored them and went over to a pool table and swallowed a cue ball.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" The bartender screams.

"Yeah... He does that...

Ok so there's this guy called Nate Palm

and every morning at work, there's this woman who always lingers around him, but in the afternoons she doesn't. She continues to do this for months and co workers find it bizarre that she's so attached to him in the mornings, yet so distanced from him in the afternoons. One day, one of the co worker...

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Three men walking through a forest are ambushed by tribals...

...and are taken to the Chief. The Chief says, "I will set you free if you can bring me an offering of a fruit of your choice. Take your time roaming the forest, but be warned that you will be tracked - make any attempt to escape and you will be killed on the spot."

The three men set off, in ...

A young potato's night out

A young bachelor potato decides he wants a night out on the town. He hops in the shower and gets nice and clean, puts on some nice cologne, shaves off all those little hairs and puts on his best jacket. He decides to head down to a local bar for a drink and see where the night goes. As he orders his...

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I found a bug on my cat today.

So I promptly plucked it from the fur and set it on the table to smash it.

But before I could kill the bastard it turned around, looked me in the eye and cried, "Please, don't! I've worked so hard in my life to finally make a living for myself! It can't end this way, this can't be the end, le...

Every time a test comes up, my friends and I joke about how we should become trophy wives.

But it seems like a lot of work to be a trophy wife; always dressing up, keeping in shape, keeping everything plucked. If I married a rich guy, I would probably wear sweatpants, watch Netflix everyday, and get fat on pizza and cookie dough. So instead of being a trophy wife, I'd be an atrophy wife...

Wild Condor

A group of bird watchers is out in the woods and sees a Wild Condor flying in the sky. Everybody is elbowing each other, pointing at the bird and focusing their binoculars. Right about then... a loud gun shot is heard and the bird falls out of the sky. The bird watchers all go running to where th...

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A farmer is having sex with his wife...

When he's done, he decides to make himself a burger, but doesn't bother getting dressed.

He grabs his jar of pickles, and one of the pickles thinks to itself, "Man, I've got it rough. I was a happy little cucumber once, but whenever I got big and juicy, this man plucked me off the plant and t...

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A female elephant...

...is in a lot of pain, due to a thorn in her foot. An ant is walking by, and asks if he can be of assistance. She shows him her foot.

The ant climbs onto her foot, and displaying his enormous relative strength, plucks the offending article out cleanly.

The elephant, immediately reliev...

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An Irishman, a Greek and a Jew are working on a construction site

An Irishman, a Greek and a Jew are working on a construction site. They are just finishing up lunch when an iron beam falls from above, killing them all.

In Heaven, Saint Peter greets the three workers. The Irishman remembers Saint Peter from his Catechism and immediately throws himself Saint...

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