Thieve Jokes - 93 Hilarious Thieve Jokes

Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull

I don't know how these people sleep at night

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Lazy thieves

They were two thieves so lazy that they robbed a bank and in order not to count the money, they waited for the evening news to find out how much they had stolen.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

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Thieves stole a truck that was delivering Viagra

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Q: Why do thieves never target politicians' homes?

A: Professional courtesy.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

Three thieves are in a house...

Three thieves are in a house when suddenly they hear someone come through the door. In a hurry to hide as soon as possible, each finds a gunny sack to hide inside. When the owner comes in and finds three unfamiliar sacks, he kicks the first one, the thief inside thinks quick and makes a sound simila...

Warning: 2 professional women thieves

Guys, recently are 2 good looking women robbing people on the street, while one makes out with you, the other robs your stuff, be careful guys, i have already been robbed 6 times

A thieve broke into my house last night...

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

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Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

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BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

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Viagra thieves

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?

Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

Why do amputees make good thieves?

Because no one's going to charge them with Armed Robbery.

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Two thieves break into a man's house...

The man wakes up in the middle of a night and runs down stairs but the thieves escape over the fence so he calls the police. The police get to his house and ask what happened; the mans says: "Well the robbers took off with my personal computer and nothing else before I scared them away", the police ...

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Japanese have finally invented a robot that catches thieves…

They decided to test it and put the robot in Belgium. In the first day it caught 10,000 thieves.

Then they put it in America. In the first day it caught 20,000 thieves.

Then they put it in Russia. In the first hour, someone stole the robot.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months

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Three thieves were fleeing the cops

they went inside a potato warehouse and each saw a sack and hid inside.

The cops walked in and saw the first sack and kicked it. The robber went "meow", so the cop said, oh it's only a cat.

They went to the second sack and kicked it and second robber went 'arf". So cop said, oh, this...

What happens to joke thieves on r/jokes?

Instant karma

2 thieves robbing a grocery store…

The first thief tells the other: When you go inside, yell “1 candle” if there’s 1 person, yell “2 candles” if there’s 2 people.

The thief goes inside the grocery store and comes back out singing Happy Birthday.

Cookie Thieves

They really take the biscuit

Which part of the hospital do thieves fear the most?

ICU

Man these thieves

Someone stole my mood ring...and now I don't even know how I feel about it.

Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames?

Because it's made from hide!

Two thieves were looking to steal a briefcase of money in a room full of luggage.

The first thief picked one up and asked “Is this it?”

The second thief replied “It seems to be the case.”

Why are thieves bad at getting jokes?

Because they always take things literally.

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

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Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. ...

You wanna here a joke about thieves?

You may not like it, it’s stolen.

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

Bakers are desperate thieves.

(They really knead the dough.)

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3 thieves rob a bank

They run and try to hide in a farm

The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes

One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one
“Baack buck b-buck”
“chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” ...

What kind of shoes do thieves wear?

Stolen shoes.

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

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Full time car thieves are the absolute laziest people

What do they do all day? Jack shit.

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the bac...

A store offered 100% discount to thieves.

Guy tries to take it without paying. I'm sorry sir but you can't steal what's free so you don't get the discount.

What do thieves eat for breakfast?

Steel oats.

Thieves have broken into and stolen all the toilets at the Police Station

Detectives have nothing to go on

I've seen many thieves in my life

but this one takes the cake.

Thieves broke into a house and stole a big vault but it's only filled with big rocks

Thieves are getting boulder and boulder

Did you hear about the art thieves that got caught?

Did you hear about the art thieves that got caught?

They didn’t have the Monet, for Degas, to make the Van Gogh.

The Anti-Thieves Machine

Science is amazing. Some european scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches the thieves in the streets of various cities through the world with an accuracy of 99,9%! Of course that various countries were interested. Germany got 2, France got 3, Greec...

In the distant land of Punsar two thieves were stealing

The thieves happened to be twins, named Manny and Manny. They belonged to the clan of Long Anconvo, a Chinese clan of thieves known for their dexterousness and efficiency. One day, the head of the clan sent the two thieves to Punsar, a land known for its wealth in gold and jewelry.
The thieves...

Why are so many thieves bald?

They dread locks.

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

Two thieves are rooting through a farmer's shed

The farmer sneaks up on the shed and locks the door from the outside trapping the two thieves inside. So he calls the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) and tells them he has the two thieves locked in his shed and to come and arrest them. The dispatch says that they are really busy and will get there...

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Ten solders

Ten soldiers are camping in a forest, when two thieves try to steal from them and are caught. The soldiers tell them, "We have to kill you now but since we are in a good mood we'll let you go provided you can make us all laugh". The thieves agree and the first one begins telling a very funny story. ...

It seems I’ve joined a church run by the Thieves’ Guild.

We’ve been reading the Bribe-al.

Have you guys heard about the thieves stealing tires of healthcare workers cars?

Healthcare workers have been working tirelessly to fight the virus.

Off**

2 thieves are trying to smuggle a cow from the local farmer

They are both clearly struggling as the cow is tossing and turning while making many loud noises.

**Thief 1**: Why the hell is this cow struggling so much? I've been doing this for 20 years and this has never happened!

**Thief 2** : Will this damn cow shut up? I didn't sign up for thi...

When I got robbed the thieves took everything but one thing...

Responsibility.

The Apple Store in my city was looted and thieves took off with $100K worth of products.

Police make no arrests and say they were were able to recover both computers.

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

When the heat turns down,we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.

We call it our Con Den session.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

How do thieves kiss?

They make out like bandits.

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The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily

They tried it out in three countries.

In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.

In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.

In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.

A group of thieves have been going around stealing all the toilets in town

Local authorities say they have nothing to go on

Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

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Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates...

Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates, just as they were being chased by policemen who chanced upon them breaking into a jewelry shop. Now, the warehouse was for various farm produce, and sounds of farm animals still alive in the crates could be heard from some of them.

The first of ...

I reported to the police that some thieves had stolen my suitcase. The matter got taken to court. Long story short...

I lost the case.

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers.

And that's just the athletes.

Two thieves were caught with a load of stolen batteries and fireworks...

...one of them was charged, and the other was let off.

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

Why do rogues and thieves in RPGs usually wear medium armor?

Because it's literally made out of 'hide'.

Courtesy of /u/Courin at /r/Guildwars2 (with minor editing):
https://www.reddit.com/r/Guildwars2/comments/3b8p5o/why_thieves_are_a_medium_armor_class_in_gw2/

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

A group of thieves meet in prison and decide to start a band when they get out

It was a con-founded robber band

I tried to join a local gang of thieves that were stealing supplies from Chinese restaurants in town.

I don't think I made the cut though. They told me to go take a walk.

Police last night raided the Home For Retired Thieves and Au Pairs....

...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!

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Jesus, his Apostles and followers arrived in a town where the townspeople were about to stone some thieves...

... Jesus walked between the thieves and townspeople and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a rock hit Jesus in the back of the head. He turned around and said "You know Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

I think I just figured out the name of the modern day Thieves Guild.

There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!”

What do you call it when thieves in a metal boat steal your fool's gold?

Iron Pirate

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I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

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(Short) Dirty Joke

Police have issued a city-wide statement:

"Approximately an hour ago two thieves ran off with multiple pounds of Viagra"

They say to keep an eye out for two hardened criminals...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

My local cinema was robbed last night of £754.

The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

-My wife read the book "Twins" and she gave birth to twins

\-Mine read the book "Three little girls" and she gave birth to triplets

\-Oh my god! I left my wife reading "Ali baba and the forty thieves"

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

Interview for the position of security guard in India

Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?

Candidate: Are the thieves from England?

Ernesto, the church gardener, would like to give his place to his friend Kamal, who is unemployed, but he knows that the priest is very strict on one point: All the staff must be Catholic. Unfortunately, Kamal is not Catholic. So Ernesto has an idea:

- Kamal, let's say you converted several years ago to the Catholic religion.

- That's nice, but I don't know anything about the Catholic religion.

- Don't worry, to verify that an employee is Catholic, the priest always asks the same questions. Since I've thought of everything, I'll ma...

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

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