A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

Did you hear about the art thieves that got caught?

Did you hear about the art thieves that got caught?

They didn’t have the Monet, for Degas, to make the Van Gogh.

Two thieves go to the church with their loot to confess..

.. their sins to the lord. They both decide to offer some part of the gold they robbed to the church to wash away their wrongdoings. But they couldn't decide how much of each of their loots to offer.

The first one thinks for a minute, draws a foot long circle on the floor and says, "Oh lord, ...

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. ...

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

Why don't thieves ever get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

Why do thieves like Walmart?

It's their best Target

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

I've seen many thieves in my life

but this one takes the cake.

A group of thieves have been going around stealing all the toilets in town

Local authorities say they have nothing to go on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 thieves rob a bank

They run and try to hide in a farm

The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes

One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one
“Baack buck b-buck”
“chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” ...

2 thieves are planning a robbery on a probability shop

One of them, unsure, says:
"I dunno man, I don't wanna take any chances"

What do thieves eat for breakfast?

Steel oats.

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

What did the policeman shout when he caught seafood thieves red-handed?

NOBODY MOVE A MUSCLE.

Thieves stole 30 crates of red bull from our local supermarket

I don’t know how they sleep at night

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a couple of a Viagra thieves?

Hardened criminals.

Heard about the two calendar thieves who were caught?

They each got six months.

What kind of shoes do thieves wear?

Stolen shoes.

3 thieves were brought to the king's palace for punishment

The king orders his men to hit them with a whip 50 times each but since the king was kind, he allowed all 3 of them to make a wish before their punishment.

The first guy asks for a pillow to be tied up on his back, which gets torn up after 10 whips and so he has to bear 40 whips

The se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of thieves stole everything except for my soap.

Dirty bastards...

When I got robbed the thieves took everything but one thing...

Responsibility.

Bakers are desperate thieves.

(They really knead the dough.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thieves stole a truck with 1,000,000 doses of viagra

Police are looking for hardened criminals...

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

Why are so many thieves bald?

They dread locks.

Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?

Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bunch of thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothbrush and deodorant.

Dirty bastards

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

My local cinema was robbed last night of £754.

The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves, ...

There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!”

Two thieves are rooting through a farmer's shed

The farmer sneaks up on the shed and locks the door from the outside trapping the two thieves inside. So he calls the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) and tells them he has the two thieves locked in his shed and to come and arrest them. The dispatch says that they are really busy and will get there...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the toilet paper thieves?

The police keep patting them down for clues... butt they're clean

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two thieves break into a man's house...

The man wakes up in the middle of a night and runs down stairs but the thieves escape over the fence so he calls the police. The police get to his house and ask what happened; the mans says: "Well the robbers took off with my personal computer and nothing else before I scared them away", the police ...

A group of thieves meet in prison and decide to start a band when they get out

It was a con-founded robber band

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

In the distant land of Punsar two thieves were stealing

The thieves happened to be twins, named Manny and Manny. They belonged to the clan of Long Anconvo, a Chinese clan of thieves known for their dexterousness and efficiency. One day, the head of the clan sent the two thieves to Punsar, a land known for its wealth in gold and jewelry.
The thieves...

A thieve broke into my house last night...

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three thieves were fleeing the cops

they went inside a potato warehouse and each saw a sack and hid inside.

The cops walked in and saw the first sack and kicked it. The robber went "meow", so the cop said, oh it's only a cat.

They went to the second sack and kicked it and second robber went 'arf". So cop said, oh, this...

[nsfw] Two thieves were at the police station

when one of them was called inside. He began to cry and plead for mercy. The officers shoved him into a room and locked the door.

For the next 10 minutes, the thief's loud screams and howls of pain were all that could be heard. He walked out, visibly battered but grinning.

A man standi...

Our government don't like thieves

They hate competitors

I tried to join a local gang of thieves that were stealing supplies from Chinese restaurants in town.

I don't think I made the cut though. They told me to go take a walk.

Someone stole my car ...

I guy walks up to a cop outside a bar and says, "Hey someone stole my car."

The cop asks "where'd you see it last?"

The man responds,"well, it was right here at the end of my key."

The cop laughs and tells him to walk down to the local precinct a couple blocks away. But, before ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily

They tried it out in three countries.

In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.

In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.

In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus, his Apostles and followers arrived in a town where the townspeople were about to stone some thieves...

... Jesus walked between the thieves and townspeople and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a rock hit Jesus in the back of the head. He turned around and said "You know Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

Did you hear some expert thieves stole the toilets from the police station?

The police were left with nothing to go on.

How do I know thieves are bad kissers?

Because apparently I make out like a bandit.

Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers.

And that's just the athletes.

Why do ghosts make the best thieves?

Because possession is 9/10 of the law

I think I just figured out the name of the modern day Thieves Guild.

EA

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

The Anti-Thieves Machine

Science is amazing. Some european scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches the thieves in the streets of various cities through the world with an accuracy of 99,9%! Of course that various countries were interested. Germany got 2, France got 3, Greec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates...

Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates, just as they were being chased by policemen who chanced upon them breaking into a jewelry shop. Now, the warehouse was for various farm produce, and sounds of farm animals still alive in the crates could be heard from some of them.

The first of ...

Why do rogues and thieves in RPGs usually wear medium armor?

Because it's literally made out of 'hide'.

Courtesy of /u/Courin at /r/Guildwars2 (with minor editing):
https://www.reddit.com/r/Guildwars2/comments/3b8p5o/why_thieves_are_a_medium_armor_class_in_gw2/

Police last night raided the Home For Retired Thieves and Au Pairs....

...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!

What do you call it when thieves in a metal boat steal your fool's gold?

Iron Pirate

A solid gold toilet was stolen from Winston Churchills home over the weekend

As a parting gesture, the thieves left a large stool and some small nuggets in its place.

Stolen Credit Card

My wife had her credit card stolen two months ago.

I didn't report it as the thieves are spending much less than she did.

Two thieves were caught with a load of stolen batteries and fireworks...

...one of them was charged, and the other was let off.

A police call with a blonde

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had stripped apart her car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: "honey, there are thieves around the house trying to get in"

Him: " ah shit, what should we do?"

Her: "go crawl near the curtains so they think we have a dog and get scared"

Him: " better yet, get your mother to go near the window and they'll think the house is haunted!"

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

Be yourself, because no one else can!

Except identity thieves. They can be you too.

A music store was robbed last week...

The thieves made off with the lute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a debate in my class about the Mexican/US border

Some argued that a wall was needed, and a rather racist friend of mine jokingly said:
"Mexicans are rather dumb, some barbed wire and such would be more than enough to keep those thieves out." After a short pause, he added: "As long as they don't start to steal the border itself".

Unsurpr...

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on
– Ronnie Corbett

Thief Capturing Robot

Disclaimer: This is only a joke, whatever or whoever I have stated are only for entertainment purpose only.



Once an organization of experts invented a robot that captured thieves.

So in order to test their invention they took to some places around the world to really see how ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

A string walks into a bar..

The string takes a seat at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve to strings in this bar, you'll have to see yourself out."
The string, feeling dejected, walks out and stumbles upon two rugged strings in an alley. The shady looking thugs stop the st...

There was a burglary last night at the Los Angeles Police Department headquarters.

The thief or thieves stole all of the toilets.

When asked about the investigation, and LAPD spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

A dad is on his death bed and ask to talk to his only son.

Son: Dad, please tell me what I can do for you before you go.

Father: Alright son, my only wish would be for you to bring both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to our house before I die.

Son: I'll do my best.

*3 hours later the son somehow manages to bring Donald Trump and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ten solders

Ten soldiers are camping in a forest, when two thieves try to steal from them and are caught. The soldiers tell them, "We have to kill you now but since we are in a good mood we'll let you go provided you can make us all laugh". The thieves agree and the first one begins telling a very funny story. ...

Bills

Two thieves break into a bank after a lot of difficulty. Hearing police sirens, they each grab a sack from the vault and run for their lives.

8 months later, after the commotion about the robbery dies down, the thieves meet up casually to talk at a bar about the robbery:

Thief 1: Hey...

The dying preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preach...

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

Melania Trump immigrated to America in 1996

And after her speech I now see why Donald says that "all immigrants are thieves"

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"...

Three men die and are at the pearly gates

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

A detective shows up at a crime scene

A bakery has been broken into. After some investigation, a police officer checks up on the detective.

The officer asks, "How's the investigation going?"

"Not good. Hundreds of dollars worth of quality pastries have been stolen." said the detective.

"I heard that there's been a ...

A butcher in London...

So there's a butcher who lives in one of the more run down neighbourhoods of London. As such, he constantly has to deal with petty thieves trying to steal meat out of his shop. He's not an educated man, but he becomes quite crafty in protecting his livelihood. One day, the Duke of Wellington passes ...

The slippers

This is more like a funny story not a joke to me. I'm not a native English speaker, so my English is not that well.

Madurese, a tribe from Indonesia, are known to be very religious but, unfortunately, bad tempered and proud.

(OP is Madurese) It goes like this:



One day, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a thief and a comedian?

At least thieves are known for stealing other people's shit.

"Officer, what can you tell us about the break in at the bakery today?"

"Man I've seen all kinds of thieves in my career, but this one takes the cake"

Whenever I use idioms in the wrong context...

...people look at me as if I'm as thick as thieves!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God calls in an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian for a quick reckoning.

God has realized that things aren't going so well in the general vicinity of the Balkans so he calls up an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian to convince them to change their ways.
First he calls in the Grecian and says to them, "Your people have become so lazy in recent years! You're ruining e...

There was a robbery at the Police station.

There was a robbery at my local Police Station the other day. The thieves stole the toilet seat and the cops don't have anything to go on... There's just a big hole now and the cops are looking into it!

The old Priest

In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?" said the Nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama a...

My friend is selling me some old French guns...

Thieve never been used but they were dropped once.

(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.

Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.