A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

Why don't thieves ever get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

Why do thieves like Walmart?

It's their best Target

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

2 thieves are planning a robbery on a probability shop

One of them, unsure, says:
"I dunno man, I don't wanna take any chances"

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3 thieves rob a bank

They run and try to hide in a farm

The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes

One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one
“Baack buck b-buck”
“chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” ...

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

3 thieves were brought to the king's palace for punishment

The king orders his men to hit them with a whip 50 times each but since the king was kind, he allowed all 3 of them to make a wish before their punishment.

The first guy asks for a pillow to be tied up on his back, which gets torn up after 10 whips and so he has to bear 40 whips

The se...

Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

Cookie Thieves

They really take the biscuit

What did the policeman shout when he caught seafood thieves red-handed?

NOBODY MOVE A MUSCLE.

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

Thieves stole 30 crates of red bull from our local supermarket

I don’t know how they sleep at night

A group of thieves have been going around stealing all the toilets in town

Local authorities say they have nothing to go on

I've seen many thieves in my life

but this one takes the cake.

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Life is difficult for a newly-wed couple as their house is frequently broken into by thieves.

They decide to get a guard dog to scare the thieves off, so her wife goes to the pet shop and buys the meanest looking dog. They sleep that night knowing that they're safe and are shocked by what they see in the morning. The thieves have done it again, and the dog has been sleeping like a baby ever ...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

Heard about the two calendar thieves who were caught?

They each got six months.

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What do you call a couple of a Viagra thieves?

Hardened criminals.

When I got robbed the thieves took everything but one thing...

Responsibility.

What kind of shoes do thieves wear?

Stolen shoes.

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A group of thieves stole everything except for my soap.

Dirty bastards...

Bakers are desperate thieves.

(They really knead the dough.)

Did you hear about the group of thieves who took on took much work and went crazy?

The robber band got stretched too thin and snapped.

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

Why are so many thieves bald?

They dread locks.

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Thieves stole a truck with 1,000,000 doses of viagra

Police are looking for hardened criminals...

I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves.

I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.

A thieve broke into my house last night...

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?

Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime.

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A bunch of thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothbrush and deodorant.

Dirty bastards

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In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves, ...

There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!”

My local cinema was robbed last night of £754.

The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

In the distant land of Punsar two thieves were stealing

The thieves happened to be twins, named Manny and Manny. They belonged to the clan of Long Anconvo, a Chinese clan of thieves known for their dexterousness and efficiency. One day, the head of the clan sent the two thieves to Punsar, a land known for its wealth in gold and jewelry.
The thieves...

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Two thieves break into a man's house...

The man wakes up in the middle of a night and runs down stairs but the thieves escape over the fence so he calls the police. The police get to his house and ask what happened; the mans says: "Well the robbers took off with my personal computer and nothing else before I scared them away", the police ...

Two thieves are rooting through a farmer's shed

The farmer sneaks up on the shed and locks the door from the outside trapping the two thieves inside. So he calls the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) and tells them he has the two thieves locked in his shed and to come and arrest them. The dispatch says that they are really busy and will get there...

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Three thieves were fleeing the cops

they went inside a potato warehouse and each saw a sack and hid inside.

The cops walked in and saw the first sack and kicked it. The robber went "meow", so the cop said, oh it's only a cat.

They went to the second sack and kicked it and second robber went 'arf". So cop said, oh, this...

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

[nsfw] Two thieves were at the police station

when one of them was called inside. He began to cry and plead for mercy. The officers shoved him into a room and locked the door.

For the next 10 minutes, the thief's loud screams and howls of pain were all that could be heard. He walked out, visibly battered but grinning.

A man standi...

You can say a lot about organ thieves, but

At least they de-liver.

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Did you hear about the toilet paper thieves?

The police keep patting them down for clues... butt they're clean

Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre?

Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.

Our government don't like thieves

They hate competitors

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The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily

They tried it out in three countries.

In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.

In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.

In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.

Someone stole my car ...

I guy walks up to a cop outside a bar and says, "Hey someone stole my car."

The cop asks "where'd you see it last?"

The man responds,"well, it was right here at the end of my key."

The cop laughs and tells him to walk down to the local precinct a couple blocks away. But, before ...

I tried to join a local gang of thieves that were stealing supplies from Chinese restaurants in town.

I don't think I made the cut though. They told me to go take a walk.

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Jesus, his Apostles and followers arrived in a town where the townspeople were about to stone some thieves...

... Jesus walked between the thieves and townspeople and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a rock hit Jesus in the back of the head. He turned around and said "You know Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

How do I know thieves are bad kissers?

Because apparently I make out like a bandit.

Did you hear some expert thieves stole the toilets from the police station?

The police were left with nothing to go on.

Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers.

And that's just the athletes.

I think I just figured out the name of the modern day Thieves Guild.

EA

Two thieves were caught with a load of stolen batteries and fireworks...

...one of them was charged, and the other was let off.

The Anti-Thieves Machine

Science is amazing. Some european scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches the thieves in the streets of various cities through the world with an accuracy of 99,9%! Of course that various countries were interested. Germany got 2, France got 3, Greec...

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Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates...

Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates, just as they were being chased by policemen who chanced upon them breaking into a jewelry shop. Now, the warehouse was for various farm produce, and sounds of farm animals still alive in the crates could be heard from some of them.

The first of ...

Recently a man in Berlin was killed as he and a couple of thieves blew up a condom machine.

A piece of shrapnel struck the thief in the head and killed him. The police said the man should have worn protection.

Police last night raided the Home For Retired Thieves and Au Pairs....

...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!

Why do rogues and thieves in RPGs usually wear medium armor?

Because it's literally made out of 'hide'.

Courtesy of /u/Courin at /r/Guildwars2 (with minor editing):
https://www.reddit.com/r/Guildwars2/comments/3b8p5o/why_thieves_are_a_medium_armor_class_in_gw2/

Be yourself, because no one else can!

Except identity thieves. They can be you too.

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An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

What do you call it when thieves in a metal boat steal your fool's gold?

Iron Pirate

A police call with a blonde

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had stripped apart her car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice ca...

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

Two old college buddies bump into each other

Two old college buddies bump into each other at the reunion after 10 years apart. Jack and Hadid used to be thick as thieves back in college, chasing girls, getting into trouble and all sorts of mischief.

Jack was surprised to find out that Hadid also took up a career in stand up comedy and b...

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on
– Ronnie Corbett

Thief Capturing Robot

Disclaimer: This is only a joke, whatever or whoever I have stated are only for entertainment purpose only.



Once an organization of experts invented a robot that captured thieves.

So in order to test their invention they took to some places around the world to really see how ma...

A warning to other Men.

A pair of thieves is operating outside of Home Depot. Two young blonde hair, blue-eyed 20 year-olds have been pretending that their car has broken down, and need a ride home. Once the mark has let them into the vehicle, they begin to kiss and caress each other. They moan and grind against each other...

A string walks into a bar..

The string takes a seat at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve to strings in this bar, you'll have to see yourself out."
The string, feeling dejected, walks out and stumbles upon two rugged strings in an alley. The shady looking thugs stop the st...

There was a burglary last night at the Los Angeles Police Department headquarters.

The thief or thieves stole all of the toilets.

When asked about the investigation, and LAPD spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

A dad is on his death bed and ask to talk to his only son.

Son: Dad, please tell me what I can do for you before you go.

Father: Alright son, my only wish would be for you to bring both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to our house before I die.

Son: I'll do my best.

*3 hours later the son somehow manages to bring Donald Trump and ...

Bills

Two thieves break into a bank after a lot of difficulty. Hearing police sirens, they each grab a sack from the vault and run for their lives.

8 months later, after the commotion about the robbery dies down, the thieves meet up casually to talk at a bar about the robbery:

Thief 1: Hey...

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There was a debate in my class about the Mexican/US border

Some argued that a wall was needed, and a rather racist friend of mine jokingly said:
"Mexicans are rather dumb, some barbed wire and such would be more than enough to keep those thieves out." After a short pause, he added: "As long as they don't start to steal the border itself".

Unsurpr...

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Ten solders

Ten soldiers are camping in a forest, when two thieves try to steal from them and are caught. The soldiers tell them, "We have to kill you now but since we are in a good mood we'll let you go provided you can make us all laugh". The thieves agree and the first one begins telling a very funny story. ...

The dying preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preach...

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

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What's the difference between a thief and a comedian?

At least thieves are known for stealing other people's shit.

Three men die and are at the pearly gates

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"...

A detective shows up at a crime scene

A bakery has been broken into. After some investigation, a police officer checks up on the detective.

The officer asks, "How's the investigation going?"

"Not good. Hundreds of dollars worth of quality pastries have been stolen." said the detective.

"I heard that there's been a ...

My friend is selling me some old French guns...

Thieve never been used but they were dropped once.

A butcher in London...

So there's a butcher who lives in one of the more run down neighbourhoods of London. As such, he constantly has to deal with petty thieves trying to steal meat out of his shop. He's not an educated man, but he becomes quite crafty in protecting his livelihood. One day, the Duke of Wellington passes ...

Melania Trump immigrated to America in 1996

And after her speech I now see why Donald says that "all immigrants are thieves"

"Officer, what can you tell us about the break in at the bakery today?"

"Man I've seen all kinds of thieves in my career, but this one takes the cake"

Whenever I use idioms in the wrong context...

...people look at me as if I'm as thick as thieves!

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God calls in an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian for a quick reckoning.

God has realized that things aren't going so well in the general vicinity of the Balkans so he calls up an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian to convince them to change their ways.
First he calls in the Grecian and says to them, "Your people have become so lazy in recent years! You're ruining e...

There was a robbery at the Police station.

There was a robbery at my local Police Station the other day. The thieves stole the toilet seat and the cops don't have anything to go on... There's just a big hole now and the cops are looking into it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Great mental exercise for us aging folks.

Quiz
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinski
2. Bill Clinton
3. Hilary Clinton
4. Adolph Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

...

The slippers

This is more like a funny story not a joke to me. I'm not a native English speaker, so my English is not that well.

Madurese, a tribe from Indonesia, are known to be very religious but, unfortunately, bad tempered and proud.

(OP is Madurese) It goes like this:



One day, a...

(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.

Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.

The old Priest

In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?" said the Nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama a...

One time I approached two big girls at a bar

I noticed thieve got strong accents, so I ask "Are you two from Scotland?"

One turns and shouts "Its wales you idiot!"

"oh Sorry!" I say, "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

What does the Saudi Paralympics team consist of?

thieves..

Three criminals are on the run from the law...

when they stumble onto a farm just before nightfall and decide to lay low in the barn until the heat is off. Just when they decide to leave, the farmer (after hearing reports on the radio of thieves on the loose) comes outside and sits down at the main entrance to guard the property with his shotgun...

I had my credit card stolen.

About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.

Two men robbed the Louvre

Two men robbed the Louvre in Paris. Soon after, the police found the thieves stopped in their van on the side of the road. When the thieves were asked why they had stopped, they answered: "We did not have enough Monet to buy Degas and make the Van Gogh."

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