A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

A man walked into a store and shoplifts items from the electronics ilse and the condements ilse.

A few weeks later the police catch the man and bring him to court. Befor the judge he please that he diddent steal any items. Stunned the judge looked at him and said sir your in court for claims of "asalt and battery."

I tried to shoplift from a motivational poster store...

...I tried to go big but they wouldn’t let me go home.

I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

I saw a woman busted for shoplifting at the DIY store today.

She had a ladder in her stocking.

Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store.

The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

I’m being accused of shoplifting.

I take it they’re not happy.

Gorgeous women have trouble successfully shoplifting

Because everyone in the store is trying to check them out.

I shoplifted 23 cans of Pepsi from the store and got arrested, but the judge dropped the charge

He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.

I gotta say I'm impressed with shoplifters

Those are heavy

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A teenage boy is caught shoplifting

The shop owner knows the boy's family so he just chews him out and calls his Dad who takes him home and grounds him. The boy's grandfather sees him crying and asks what's wrong. Through sobs the boy tells his grandfather what happened.

The grandfather says "You need to grow some balls son. S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do old people and shoplifters have in common?

They both leave stores with more shit in their pants than they came in with.

Yesterday I went shopping with my mother. Just as we were leaving, she was arrested for shoplifting.

I told her she would never be able to carry off that outfit.

I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand.

I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Despite not being a shoplifter, I know what goes through their heads.

"I'm not buying it."

A man was in a court after being caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

The judge asked him, "How many peaches were in the can you stole?"

The man replied, "Five".

The judge gave him his sentence, "You will have five weeks in prison, one for each peach in the can".

The wife of the man, who was present in the court room, raised her hand and said, " Y...

Don't believe everything you hear.

I went to the goose store the other day and asked if they had any deals. He said he wasn't sure but to feel free to take a gander. And now here I am, in jail, with my "shoplifted goose".

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

I can count the number of times I've been caught shoplifting on one hand.

Which is just as well, as I live in Saudi Arabia.

What did the Iranians do after shoplifting?

They-ran

A woman gets called to court for shoplifting...

The judge asks, "So, you stole something from the grocery store?"

"Yes," the woman says.

"And what did you steal?"

"A can of peaches, Your Honor," the woman replies.

"And how many peaches were in the can?" the judge asks.

"Six," the woman replies.

"Alright....

I have the Award for Shoplifter of the Year!

I didn't win it...

shoplifting

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked h...

It's hard to explain puns to shoplifters.

They always take things literally.

Shoplifting.

An old lady gets caught shoplifting.
On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replys, "A can of peaches." So the judge trying to figure out how ...

Several shoplifters detained today, including a woman who stole a vibrator

Why do they do it - is it just for the buzz....

Grover the Grocer and the Shoplifter

Grover the grocer ran a comfortable business, with one recurring malady--a persistent shoplifter named Gwen. Grover knew she was robbing him blind, but couldn't seem to catch her in the act.

This continued for quite a number of years until, as fortune would have it, one day he caught her redh...

Michael J Fox was arrested for shoplifting yesterday

Serves him right, trying to steal that tambourine

An elderly woman gets picked up up for shoplifting...

...a can of peaches at the local grocery store. When she arrives at the courthouse for her hearing, the judge asks her "Why did you steal the can of peaches?" to which she replies "Because I was craving peaches very badly and had no money, sir. I am very sorry." The judge sits and thinks for a minut...

Breaking News

Local police are seeking a shoplifter who attacked a store this lunch time but was tackled by a have-a-go shopkeep with his labelling gun.

Officers say they're seeking a man with a price on his head.

- RIP Ronnie Corbett.

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100%

going to jail for shoplifting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have sex with a hooker without paying

Is it shoplifting?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In my day, we never had Pirate Bay and Limewire

We had to walk two miles to the record store and shoplift that shit.

Why did the bodybuilder go to jail?

He was caught shoplifting

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took some viagra and now my erection won't go away.

I think I have a shoplifting fetish.

The priceless moments of my LIFE.

\~a shoplifter

A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"

The ghost smiles and says "possession".

An elderly lady went to court…

An elderly lady went to court for shoplifting.
"What is it that you stole?" the judge asked her.
"Well, Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
"Alright. How many peaches were in the can?"
"Six," she answered, wondering what he would ask that for.
"Okay. Well, I'm going to give you...

I just got a ladder in my tights.

I truly am a talented shoplifter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.

He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.

You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.

He pulls out his taser.

What happens next may shock you...

A man was arrested for stealing while standing on the shoulders of two vampires

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

Old lady thief....

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then ask...

Did you hear about the tornado who got arrested?

They got him for shoplifting.

My buddy Sam is a thief.

My friend Sam wasn't always this way. You see, we grew up in the poor part of town, although his dad worked hard and provided, where mine was not around much and when he was my mom always yelled at him to find a permanent job. As a child I remember showing up to his house every day before school and...

A man tries to rob a record store...

... by stealing many valuable vinyls. However, a sharp-eyed-shopper caught him in the act. He shouted out, "Hey! This guy's trying to shoplift!" to the rest of the store. The thief tried to run away, but the shopper grabbed a record and threw it at the man, knocking him over. Several other shoppers ...

What do you call it when you go to the store just to use their dumbbells and then leave?

Shoplifting

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