Shoplift Jokes

They are always taking stock.

I didn't win it.....

But one day the shop fell on him.

In Saudi Arabia, "five finger discount" means you got caught shoplifting.

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe... read more

She was arrested for a salt and battery

Kleptobismal.

we need the travel version."

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked h... read more

I didn't win it though.

Police say they are still at large.

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

Lady's husband: "Your honour, don't forget she also stole a can of peas."

Because everyone in the store is trying to check them out.

An old lady gets caught shoplifting.
On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replys, "A can of peaches." So the judge trying to figure out how ... read more

She had a ladder in her stocking.

Those are heavy

A few weeks later the police catch the man and bring him to court. Befor the judge he please that he diddent steal any items. Stunned the judge looked at him and said sir your in court for claims of "asalt and battery."

I take it they’re not happy.

They-ran

He got 12 months!

The judge asks, "So, you stole something from the grocery store?"

"Yes," the woman says.

"And what did you steal?"

"A can of peaches, Your Honor," the woman replies.

"And how many peaches were in the can?" the judge asks.

"Six," the woman replies.

"Alright.... read more

I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Grover the grocer ran a comfortable business, with one recurring malady--a persistent shoplifter named Gwen. Grover knew she was robbing him blind, but couldn't seem to catch her in the act.

This continued for quite a number of years until, as fortune would have it, one day he caught her redh... read more

They always take things literally.

He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh... read more

"I'm not buying it."

I kind of wanted to shoplift something, but the risk was to big.

Which is just as well, as I live in Saudi Arabia.

Why do they do it - is it just for the buzz....

Shoplifting.

The judge asked him, "How many peaches were in the can you stole?"

The man replied, "Five".

The judge gave him his sentence, "You will have five weeks in prison, one for each peach in the can".

The wife of the man, who was present in the court room, raised her hand and said, " Y... read more

The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"

...a can of peaches at the local grocery store. When she arrives at the courthouse for her hearing, the judge asks her "Why did you steal the can of peaches?" to which she replies "Because I was craving peaches very badly and had no money, sir. I am very sorry." The judge sits and thinks for a minut... read more

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to sto... read more

He's being charged with shoplifting on 2 counts.

Bill was announcing in the middle that he could shoplift anything from the store cross the street.
A man heard it and asked him to get 5 kg rice bag from the store.
Bill went in the store and came back with a 5 kg rice bag.
The man who challenged him said :You would be happy to know tha... read more

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th... read more

I saw the same one at the store but I didnt have any money for it so I decided to steal it. I knew the repercussions of shoplifting, but it was just a wisk I was willing to take.

I went to the goose store the other day and asked if they had any deals. He said he wasn't sure but to feel free to take a gander. And now here I am, in jail, with my "shoplifted goose".

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"

The ghost smiles and says "possession".

going to jail for shoplifting.

Local police are seeking a shoplifter who attacked a store this lunch time but was tackled by a have-a-go shopkeep with his labelling gun.

Officers say they're seeking a man with a price on his head.

- RIP Ronnie Corbett.

He was caught shoplifting

\~a shoplifter

I truly am a talented shoplifter

They got him for shoplifting.

Shoplifting

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then ask... read more

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ... read more

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou... read more

My friend Sam wasn't always this way. You see, we grew up in the poor part of town, although his dad worked hard and provided, where mine was not around much and when he was my mom always yelled at him to find a permanent job. As a child I remember showing up to his house every day before school and... read more