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Stash Jokes

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

My girlfriend found my stash of money I keep in an old boardgame and is insisting I put the money in the bank...

Better safe than Sorry I guess.

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My nephew got into his dad's viagra stash.

He's in the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.

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What's the difference between my porn stash and Call of Duty?

One is full of screaming 10 year old boys and the other is Call of Duty.

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

How did the Pimp stash his drugs?

He used his Heidi hoe

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During the raid of Hitler's residence, a Nazi is asked at gunpoint, "Where is Hitler's stash?"

"Is under nose." the Nazi replies.

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I keep a case of beer stashed away in my basement, in case of emergencies.

Better safe than sober.

I killed the Boston Strangler and took his jewelry stash

Thanks for the gold kind strangler!

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What do you call a porn stash from the past?

A time-fapsule.

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What do you call an entire stash full of butt plugs of various sizes?

An arsenal

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

What did the police say after they found Jack's drug stash?

We've hit jacks-pot

I found a stash of guns in my academy and reported it to the police

Needless to say i was kicked out of the gun academy

Why do Mexicans have a secret cheese stash?

In queso emergency.

A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms.

The police found the whole ordeal as "magically suspicious".

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

I have discovered there is something worse than finding your grandpa’s stash of playboy...

It’s figuring out the reason why some of the pages are stuck together!

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My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.

"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer"
...................

I think the little bastard found my porn stash.

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What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porn stash?

My porn stash isn't enough to get me off anymore.

Many of my friends worry about little piles of rocks they have stashed all over the planet, but not me...

...I don't have a cairn in the world.

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A mother cleaning her adolescent sons room finds a stash of hardcore German S&M porno mags...

Mortified, she puts them back so he won't know, but hides one in her apron to show her husband. Later that night they're in bed and she shows him the magazine... The father chuckles at first, assuming it was a Playboy, or Penthouse, but quickly becomes horrified at the images of whippings, and ball ...

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I thought I had lost my porn stash

It was right under my nose all along.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

What do you call a cocaine addict whose stash runs out

Crackalackin

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My close friend is a drug dealer and he won't give me any in his stash.

What a lame ass pharmacist. :(

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick....

Did you hear about the stoner who had a stash that never went stale or moldy? He used to spend hours stoned just staring at it...

I guess it's true what they say, a watched pot never spoils.

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Two prison inmates are in their cell on the 3rd floor. One turns to the other and says he has a plan to escape.

Prisoner 1: "So once I've explained the plan, I'll detail the roles we each will have."

Prisoner 2: "Ok."

P1: "Over the next week, we trade food with as many others as possible. We need all the fiber we can get."

P2: "Ok... that's doable, but-"

P1: "Then over the next wee...

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

The world's shortest dirty joke ...

Gynecologist found drug stash.

Where does the hairy farmer hide his cows ?

In his moo stash.

3 men arrived at the gates of heaven.

God said he would only allow them in if they had a funny story of how they died.

The first man was a window cleaner, working on the 14th floor of an apartment building. Suddenly, his scaffolding broke, and he fell. Luckily he was able to grab onto the windowsill of a 13th floor apartment. Bef...

You Know You're A Northneck (Northern Redneck) If......

Your rusty vehicle's resale value only goes up if you remember to put the snow tires on them during the winter.

You ever got into a shouting match based on which college hockey team you're a fan of.

You've ever used expired gas station sushi as bait for ice fishing.

(You're re...

If I said you have a nice body would you...

stash it under the floorboards with the rest of them or bury it in a shallow grave?

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Tried a new drug...

It was supposed to be a long high that kept on climbing. I felt on top of the world, and everything was looking green.

Then I crashed hard and low and everything started looking red. Paid a lot for it and I wanted to sell the rest of my stash.

I called my drug dealer up and said “wha...

Johnny with his grandparents

Johnny is staying with his grandparents. Grandma goes out to get groceries, while Grandpa stays home to look after Johnny. When Grandma gets home, the house is a mess. All of the couch cushions are torn up, paint is all over the walls, and the dog is hiding under the bed. Grandma asks Grandpa: "What...

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My sons school was having "career day". When he came home, he was complaining that there wasn't any information available in his fields of interest.

I said "what do you want to after high school?"

He replies "either be a pizza delivery man or a pool skimmer" ..........







I'm pretty sure the little shit found my porn stash.

I was screwing my mistress in my marital bed when she got all guilty and weepy and insisted that we come clean.

So I finished her off in the shower.

(I figure things will be all back to normal after I work out where to stash her body.)

How many of those brownies did you eat, private?

"All of them sir!"

"That was my stash private."

"Negative sir it was labeled private!"

I saw a movie trailer about 30 trapped chillean miners...

Apparently Jared from subway had a stash...

(I'm so sorry about this, I just thought of it and needed to get it out)

Cuckoo time

A bunch of hippies were sitting around smoking pot when a pal ran in and said the cops are coming, the cops are coming. They freaked out and more or less immediately sprang into action and stashed the dope inside the cuckoo clock, sat down and pretended they were watching tv.
Nothing happened bu...

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

Happy birthday!

A drug dealer has been in prison for a few years, when he seemingly has a change of heart and asks to speak with a DEA agent.

He says to the agent, "My father's got a farm out in the country. Behind this house, there's a big ole wood pile. I hit a stash of money and drugs inside one of the l...

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2 Drunks in a pick-up truck

Are parked on a gravel road when they see the Sheriff pull in behind them. The passenger starts to panic but the driver says "It's cool man, just chug your beer, rip off the label, stick it on your forehead, and stash the bottle under the seat." So the sheriff gets to the truck door and sees 2 drunk...

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A Hispanic man, a European man, and an Asian man are put on a deserted island

They are told that they will be rescued in 24 hours, provided they have proved their survival skills.
The Hispanic man is in charge of building a shelter, the European man is in charge of finding food, and the Asian man is in charge of finding supplies.
The three men go their separate ways to ...

Little Tony was the son of a well respected Mob boss.

One day, the Mob boss decides he wants to test his son to see if the boy has what it takes to lead the family business. "Little Tony," he asks. "If you received stolen money, and you were looking for a place to hide it, where would you stash it so the cops could never get it?"

Little Tony thi...

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

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A guy demands from the bartender a 40-year old scotch...

The bartender pours him a glass.

After a drink, the man replies, “That was terrible Scotch and you know it. I want *40-year old* Scotch.”

The bartender pours him another glass.

After another drink, the man replies, “That was only 10-year old Scotch. I want *40-year old* Scotch...

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A man's wife tells him she'd like to go on vacation...[NSFW]

And he's like "i can't, work, projects, deadlines" so she goes on vacation by herself.
She leaves and comes back with a brand new car, jewelry, and a stash of cash.

He asks her how did you get all this money? She's like " I gave blowjobs and earned enough for all this".

"Oh come ...

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Rich old man prepares for his death

A rich old man was on his deathbed. He knew he was soon to depart this world, but he could not bear the thought of leaving his wealth behind.

So he summoned his wife and instructed her to visit the bank, withdraw a large amount of cash, and stash it in the attic in a burlap sack. "I'll just g...

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A guy inherits a fortune...

A guy inherits a fortune and goes on a massive spending spree: Ferraris, yachts, private jets, the works.

He upgrades his wardrobe and goes to the most exclusive shops for bespoke outfits. When it comes time to get shoes, he wants something a little different.

The salesman shows him a ...

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The once was a Mob Boss

There once was a Mob Boss who employed a Jewish accountant who only spoke Yiddish. Despite the language barrier, the Mobster was satisfied with the guys work. That is until one year he decided to check the books and found he was short 2 million dollars.

So the mob boss sent out two goons to b...

All the forest animals are having a big car show..

..shining their rims, getting ready to put their cars on display for the forest folk to see. The bunny is hopping along half drunk and stumbles into the clearing.

"WHOAAHhh bear, that's a sweet lambo, how did you ever afford it?"

"Well bunny, i'm not an alcoholic like you" replies the...

A police stops a speeding man.

Reminds me of a classic joke:
A traffic cop pulls over a man on the highway. He asks for his License.
"I haven't got one, what with my constant drunk driving arrests."
The cop is somewhat taken back, but proceeds to ask for registration.
"It's in the glove box next to the gun."
"You h...

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Mommy frog went out to get some groceries

so she tells her two little boys, Steven and James, to be good little frogs while she was gone. Seconds after she went out, Steven excitedly tells James he knew where daddy frog hid his long-kept porn stash. James thought that the idea of "borrowing" their dad's vintage Playboys and 80's VHS is bad ...

A man's car breaks down on the side of the road...

Because he's out in the middle of nowhere and his car seems beyond all hope, he begins to walk. After just a few miles he seems a discarded bottle that looks too fancy to just be litter. He picks it up and rubs the dirt off of it and suddenly a genie appears.
The genie promises to grant him thre...

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A joke translated from Russian

A young man goes to a collective farm to work as a vet. The chairman of the farm greets him and tells him he already has three vets.

"But I'm special, Comrade Chairman," says the young man, "I understand the language of the animals."

"No shit," says the chairman, "why don't you show me...

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Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks hi...

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Bombs and Berries (Long) (Original)

Back Story: During World War 2, it was super cold in Nazi Germany. The American troops were told if they were ever in a rough situation, to look for frozen squirrels at the base of trees. Then place the frozen squirrel between their thighs (the warmest part of the body) to warm it up. The squirls wo...

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Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.

He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

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