UPJOKE
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Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

A man walks his dog late at night when he observes an obviously drunk guy. The guy stops at a parked car, swipes across the car's roof with his arm and says "Nope."

He stumbles over to the next car, again swipes across the roof with his arm and again: "Nope."

This goes on for a while until finally the dog owner decides to ask the man what he was doing.

Drunkard: "I'm searching my car!"

Dog owner: "But you can't find your car by swiping your...

Accidentally swiped right on my sister on tinder....

Now she knows I was cheating on her :(

A lawyer and his friend from the Czech Republic were camping, when they heard a rustling sound.

They looked behind them and saw a huge male grizzly bear jumping out at them from behind a bush. The two friends fled for their lives, and the bear chased them.

The lawyer escaped, but his friend wasn't so lucky. The lawyer watched in horror as his friend was swiped by the bear's mighty paw a...

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

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Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.

Still no matches.

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I swiped right on a girl I thought was cute...

She said, "Get your fucking hand off my face".

If I had a dollar for every girl that swiped no

They would eventually swipe yes

The only time get swiped right is..

...when someone wants to see the post before mine once again.

There was a man lost his favorite hat.

There was a man lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened ...

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Help. All the girls on Tinder say if you're only looking for sex, swipe left.

It's not working

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.

Pokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app...

called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.

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An american, a german and an argentinian are sitting in a room.

The american, to assert dominance, out of nowhere says, "My country created the best space rocket, that got us to the moon first. That makes me better than you."

The german exclaims, "Ja, I clean my ass with your rockets." And he follows, "My country created tanks, an unbeatable force in bat...

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3 people are fighting

An American,British, And Chinese are fighting over who is the best swordsman. They say whoever can slice that fly on half wins.

The American slices in half with ease.

The British does 2 slices, and it's in 4 pieces.

The Chinese does one swipe. The American and the British are l...

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol and I go to pay for the gun and the cashier stops me and says strip down facing me


Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed


When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how...

Girls' Tinder bios got even more unreasonable during Covid.

Before it was "swipe right only if you're at least 6 feet" and now it's "even if we match, stay at least 6 feet away."

Two guys are stuck in prison.

Desperate to get back out and perhaps lead semi-regular lives, the two cellmates try to brainstorm for an escape plan. A mere hour and a half later, one of the men comes up with a plan: steal some children's craft scissors, smuggle them back to the cell, cut through the floor, and cut out a tunnel b...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Yo momma's so fat

It took me three fingers to swipe left.

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

"I think your car just got keyed by some guy..." I told a man in the street.

"Can't you give me a better description?" he said.

"OK," I replied, "some gentleman swiped his tender hand across the metallic section of your motor vehicle, sir."

Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy...

Why do rednecks hate Ancestry.com?

They can't swipe right or left.

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place.

One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggress...

What did Dora say to help her friend break his Tinder addiction?

Swiper, no swiping!

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Once Apon a time, the Chief samurai of the land was sick, and needed to chose his successor

Only three people singled up. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The Japanese Samurai went first. He opened a box with a fly in it. With one swipe of his blade, the fly fell done, cut in two.

The Chinese Samurai went next. He opened another box with a fly in ...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said...

the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


Making a mental note to complain to my local MP about this running amok,over-enthusiastic security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed....
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referrin...

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A Blonde Walks into Subway...

She orders a simple footlong sandwich and goes to the register.

"That'll be $6.70," says the cashier.

The blonde tries to use the chip on her card, but it doesn't work.

So she tries it again, and still nothing.

Finally she tries to swipe and it does nothing.
...

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Time for a repost.

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a deer. The deer is about to smoke a blunt. The rabbit looks up at the deer and says, "deer, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come run with me through the forest!"

The deer tosses his blunt aside and t...

A pilgrim was seeking enlightenment

They were told to climb a mountain somewhere that could be called Tibet (but we thank the Zhongguo Reddit investors, so shan't mention it).

As the pilgrim climbed the mountain for half a day, he came across a sage with a beard this
^
|
Long and a sword this <--> big w...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks....

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving...

A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.

He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.

He called forth his fina...

I couldn't find my credit card this morning.

Someone must have swiped it.

I'm sorry.

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Once upon a time, there was a man named Really...

This man, though not exactly stunning, was so incredibly charming he could basically get whoever he wanted. Really, however, was particularly in the mood for sex once he turned 18 and turned to the apps to find a date to fulfill his needs.

He swiped right on a few chicks. Cary, Anna, Beth, J...

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My favorite shaggy dog story to tell when I'm at the bar.

A fish is swimming out in a lake, when he sees a fly flitting around, 3 feet above the water. The fish thinks to himself, "If that fly comes down about 5 inches, I can eat it!", so he sits and waits.

A bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks to himself, "When that fly comes down a few ...

I'm creating a new dating app for chefs!

It's called Tender! Swipe right to keep cooking or swipe left to leave raw

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turtles birthday!

It was the Turtles birthday in the animal kingdom and he was turning 150 years. King of the animals was the lion and he proclaimed, (For Turtles birthday we should have a great party and each animal will say a joke to the Turtle for his birthday. Whoever disrepected the Turtle and did not make him l...

I saw my uncle on Tinder

Obviously I swiped left. He's not going to be in to me now that I'm all grown up.

A father and son walk into a gas station...

After grabbing a few snacks they walk up to the register to pay for everything.

The cashier says "sorry sir, but you have to swipe your card again."

Son: "dad, don't."

Father: *sweats profusely*

Cashier: "sir?"

Father: "but I'm not wearing a cardigan!"

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a strip club...

They immediately sit in front of the front podium just when the club's top performer Chasity comes out to perform.

She bends over in front of the three men. The Scotsman pulls out a £10 note and sticks it on on her left arse cheek.

The Englishman pulls out £20 and sticks it on her righ...

I've come to the realization

that my tinder profile is so bad that even bots won't swipe right.

*at cash register*

ME: Do I swipe the whole card or...

*[seductively inserts chip]*

Just the tip?

CASHIER: *[into mic]* Security

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Male stripper

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill...

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The Fly at the Lake

There was once a fly buzzing around a lake.

"If I come down three more inches," he said buzzing around sporadically, "I can finally get me a drink of water."

Just beneath the surface was a fish watching the fly buzz around.

"If that fly comes down three more inches," he said wit...

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Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman...

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There is a moral to this story

So there was once this fly flying around above the great lakes with no real destination, There was also this salmon stuck forever doomed to a fresh water lake, but it was one of the great lakes so it could have been worse. The salmon had noticed the fly flying around above the lake and thought to i...

Jealousy

my man got mad at me because he saw me messaging an old friend of mine on Reddit. I told him it was completely harmless and he said if he catch me on Reddit again, he gone swipe my whole head across the keyboard. As y'all can see I clearly don't give a fuuc ewszxdrd  gfy g igh igyh hj ohn mksezesxrt...

A new app for forestry...

As a pretty techno savvy guy studying forestry in the U.K., I'm always on the lookout for new apps relating to forestry.

Needless to say, I recently found this great app for foresters who need help with felling trees. It's quite simple, they can upload images of trees/woodlands which need fel...

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The New Samurai

The head samurai of Japan has died, the Emperor is searching for a replacement. He puts out word that all should try out to become the next head of the samurai. 3 men show up, a Samurai from China, a Swordsman from Mongolia and a Jewish samurai. The emperor greats the Chinese samurai and tell him to...

A bad boxer

During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.

"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.

"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."

Two couples go camping in the woods...

Bob and Peter decide to take their wives on a camping trip. When they get to the campsite, Bob says, "Hey Peter, since your wife has never been camping before, why don't I teach her how to set up camp while you take my wife to get firewood." Peter agrees and he and Bob's wife go out into the fores...

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Three Drunk Girls

A blonde and two brunettes had gone out drinking Friday night and really tied one on. They all got back together for lunch on Sunday, and the two brunettes were shocked at how awful and sad the blonde looked. "I can't ever go drinking again", the blonde moaned. "That was the worst, most humiliating ...

Christ is on the cross

He's calling out to Peter. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Peter hears him and tries to get closer, but a Roman guard cuts off his arm and sends him packing. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Again Peter tries to get closer but is again stopped by the Roman guard, who cuts off his other ...

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