UPJOKE
stealpillageplunderbootyransackreaveswagtakeprizebreaddoughrifleshekelskalecabbage

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A young man traveled the world in search of buried treasure. After five years with no luck, he received a prophecy from an enchantress which told of a vast hoard of golden loot squirreled away in Bermuda by a famous privateer crew.

Sure enough, after sailing for another year, he came to the place the enchantress had spoken of and found a trove of coins and medallions, enough to make him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

He brought all of it on board his ship and through storms and turmoil returned home with his prize....

Why did EA games management cross the road

If you wanna find out, please buy the Punchline dlc for 49.99$ or have a chance to get it from a loot box for 2.99$ each

Millennials 20 years ago: Looting and polluting is not the way!

Millennials now: If I burn enough fossil fuels, maybe one of my random digital coins will become the preferred method of money laundering and make me rich.

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Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

Quite frankly its the stores fault for all this looting..

..they essentially painted a large Target on their forehead

A man in Kyiv finds a lamp...

So, a gentleman in Kyiv found an old lamp. It had some tarnish on it, so after grabbing the brass polish and a rag, he started to polish it.


POOF! Out popped a genie!


"Master, you have freed me from the lamp! In gratitude, I shall grant you three wishes! (And no wishing for...

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Russian soldier is standing naked in the shower looking at his watch furiously pressing the buttons

His comrade hears the beeping and comes to see what's up,

"What are you doing there naked blyat? There is no water in the building."

"Yesterday I looted this watch. There is English writing on it and I didn't know what it meant so I asked the commander."

"So?"

"He said ᵂ ...

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

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A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wo...

The Apple Store in my city was looted and thieves took off with $100K worth of products.

Police make no arrests and say they were were able to recover both computers.

Speeding

**Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"**


**The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."**
...

Neighbour's 8 year old son: Corona has looted half my inheritance

Me: How?

Him: My mom is pregnant

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

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Three burglars who used to work as voice actors break into a house

They get down to the basement with their big gunnysacks in hopes of looting valuables when they hear someone walking down the stairs. One of them says "Quickly! Hide in the bags." They hide in their own bags and the owner comes down to see three suspicious looking bags that he had never seen before ...

Remember when OJ Simpson was found innocent and all of us white people hit the street looting and damaging property?!

Oh, that's right, we didn't...

A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

Did you guys hear about the shoe store that got looted in Baltimore?

The only thing they left were the work boots.

What do you call a group of guys, sailing the sea, singing about looting and stealing?

21 pirates.

A Roman Pirate screamed at his crew members: "How many ships did you loot today?!"

They replied: Aye Aye Captain!!

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Loot Boxes

It’s only a matter of time before grocery stores and fast food chains implement the Loot Box strategy for food.

Mark my words one day you’ll be standing in front of a machine all like, “Shit this is my last dollar I really hope I get some bread. come on Bread.”

“Ahhh fuck. . . Cabbage!...

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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What do you call an Arab that brings down loots of pussy?

Lawrence of the Labia.

Ferguson Protestors looted a Payless Shoe store last night...

Cleaned the place out, nothing left but work boots...

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Why did ISIS stop looting viagra?

The goats all died.

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?

Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.

Police 1: Really?

Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk

Police 1: is that everything?

Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun i...

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A sailor walks into a bar

The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"

And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."

"Why do you have that hook?"

"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."

"And the eye patch?"

"I l...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

A burglar breaks in a house

As he is looking around he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you!" Panicked he looks around but sees nothing and nobody. He keeps searching for loot when again "Jesus is watching you!" This time he does a better search and finally sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he asks "Yes, it was me."...

The Trump Wall 2020 (original)

Since the USA is suffering from the COVID19 pandemic, the largest unemployment since the Great Depression and the country wide protesting, rioting and looting, The Mexican President calls Trump.
He says: OK, you win, the wall gets built, by us and we will pay for it! Just stay on your side.

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

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A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets.

A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets. They are working together looting people. One gives you a blowjob while the other cleans out your wallet.
Trust me, I've been robbed 7 times by them.

A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money. One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?" The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

Gamers and organ harvesters are similar in some ways.

They both loot through chests hoping to find rare loot to sell later on.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a man a loot box that MIGHT contain a fish and you’ll get paid FOREVERRR!!

The queen asked the visiting Indian Prime Minister, "I hear Indian politicians are notoriously corupt and wealthy"

"Quite so," he said, "but none so brazen as to wear their loot on their head".

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

What’s EA’s favourite E-sport?

Lootboxing.

South of the border

You know what, I don't care what people say but south of the border there is the country with senseless violence, looting, drugs etc. that I would not dare to touch with a ten feet pole!
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I am so happy I live in Canada!

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Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' ...

A human, an elf and a dwarf go dungeon crawling

They loot the entire place successfully and start the journey back to the tavern through the woods. On their way back they're ambushed by a tribe of goblins who inform them that they're trespassing. The chief tells them that the punishment for trespassing is twenty lashes but seeing as he's in a g...

In the distant land of Punsar two thieves were stealing

The thieves happened to be twins, named Manny and Manny. They belonged to the clan of Long Anconvo, a Chinese clan of thieves known for their dexterousness and efficiency. One day, the head of the clan sent the two thieves to Punsar, a land known for its wealth in gold and jewelry.
The thieves...

The two at the gate...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally.

One of them suggested a nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag. But they didn't bother to pi...

The leader of a Native American tribe just passed away

He was old and had been a wise leader for many years. After he passed a younger man became leader even though he had much less experience.
His first task as leader was to predict if the coming winter was going to be a mild one or a harsh one. In other words, did the tribe need to gather lots of w...

My car broke down in the middle of nowhere.

Luckily I found a loot box on the roadside!

Benny the Bare Faced Viking

Benny was your typical Viking..
Strong, tall, courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one..
See Benny couldn't grow a beard, for all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillag...

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just...

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[NSFW] So our friend said her dance instructor warned the girls about a level 2 sex offender across the street from the studio

So I looked at her and asked what kind of loot he drops, and how much gold and XP he gives when killed.

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A rancher is kidnapped by the local tribe of natives.

The chief decides the rancher should be executed and his ranch looted, but gives the rancher 3 days to make his peace and one request per day.

On the first day, the rancher requests his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse darts off and returns at sunset with a beautiful, blonde woman. Th...

Wounded Pirate

A pirate captain sets sail with his crew determined to conquer the seas.

On the first day a crewman in the crows nest of the ship calls out, “Arrr! There be one battleship on the horizon, captain!”

The captain jumps up and excitedly yells, “Get me my red shirt!”

His first mate a...

So a woman is being held hostage...

There's a man robbing her as she's tied to a chair in her livingroom with a blindfold on. He tells her to quietly count to 100 and proceeds to start looting her home.

As he's doing this he hears the woman behind him counting "one.....three....five....seven..". The man turns around and asks he...

A young man buys a silver mine...

A young man heads out to Utah looking for adventure, and he finds a sign in town advertising an abandoned silver mine out in the desert. Intrigued he decides to go check out the mine, and finds the walls absolutely glittering with silver. He rushes back to town and buys the mine, and then goes to th...

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A Pirate and his parrot are set adrift by their crew...

for trying to steal the loot. The pirate pulls a small lamp from his pocket. He looks at it for a moment before thinking "ahh, why not" and giving it a brisk rub. Sure enough, a genie pops out.
"Hmm... set adrift, huh?" says the genie. "Been a bad boy? For that I can give you only one wish." Wi...

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