How do you sneak up on celery?

You stalk it.

The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.

Because it's made of hide

A German sneaks into a swiss bank:

"I want to invest one million euros." he whispers.

The banker says: "You can talk aloud, poverty is no shame in Switzerland."

I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention as a doctor...

The security guard suspected I was not the real McCoy.

Black Sabbath accused Dio of sneaking into the studio at night and messing with the mix

That seems a little paranoid

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

Guys I m sneaking into Area 51

They didn't see m...

Sometimes I try to sneak into the Intensive Care Unit to tell bad puns, but they always stop me by saying

ICU

How do you sneak into a school for ghosts?

Just act super natural.

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing

I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich business man goes fishing....

... he has all the newest gear, brand new top quality rods, beautifully handcrafted lures and he sits at the side of the river enjoying his peace. Sadly though after a few hours he still has not caught a single fish. Just as he ponders to retire for the day another man approaches the river not very ...

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Sneaking back in.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “guys.” I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”



Well, the hours passed and the shots went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in t...

What happens when you sneak up behind a church?

You scare the deacons out of it.

The invisible man tried to sneak up behind me

But I saw right through him.

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different ton...

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Young boy sneaks into his parents room while the mother was with her lover...

And hides in the closet to peek


But, the husband suddenly returns from his job


Lover jumps in the closet and meets the boy


Boy: -Its dark here

Lover: -Yeah

B: - Wanna buy my ball?

L: -No

B: - My father is right outside...

L: -How m...

Why is it impossible to sneak up on Santa?

He can always feel your presents.

You know what's easy to make? Shoe jokes.

Too bad they have no sole. They just seem to cobbled together. I'd like to boot anyone making shoe jokes from my life.


I assume you guys didn't get a kick out of that string of jokes, so I'll just sneak away.

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Sometimes I tell everyone I'm going for a shit, then sneak off and wash my hair instead.

I have a sham-poo

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

1999: kidss sneak out to drink

2009: kids sneak out to smoke weed
2019: kids sneak out to get vaccinated

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

Baby balloon sneaks into Mom and Dads room

He can't get into their bed because they are taking up too much room so he sneaks up and let's little air out of Dad balloon and squeezes in between them. Dad wakes up and tells him off and brings him back to his own bed.

Later on he comes back into Mom and Dads room,he still cant get into th...

I don't like going on the male toilets because men are a lot more open to farting loud there so I sometimes like to sneak into the female toilets and there they are a lot more quiet and discreet about it....

At least when they know I'm there

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother said, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I said. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

A corrupt politician manages to sneak a number of loopholes in to a new law that gave him ownership of several hotels in Seville and Valencia

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision

People call me an idiot because I like to sneak up behind horses just to scare them.

But I get a kick out of it.

I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

A coffee addict goes to rehab to get clean

During group reflection they said

Group: "Steve tell us a little about your struggles"

Steve: "Well it started off as a kid, my grandpa would let me sip on a coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I knew from the moment it hit my lips, coffee was what i wanted to do with my life. By the...

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I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

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A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed

What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?

"Cum at me bro".



\-

Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?

He was a peeking duck



\-

What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?

"It's bananas"



\...

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Bill was a horny man who had just been deployed to a US army post in another country far away from the US.

Bill slept in a room, that had lots of bunk beds, about 15 and it was usually silent at night. You could hear a pin drop. Bill had his urges but he would not surrender, the power of the nut would not defeat him.

Well, eventually it did and one not trying to be as silent as possible he tried t...

I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

Farmer John owned a pool.

Every night these three ducks would sneak in and splash around, keeping John up at night.

Eventually, John got sick of it and called the police on the ducks.

They were brought before the judge the next day.

"Alright," the Judge said. "What I need you to do is walk up here and st...

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[NSFW] As a teenager, I liked sneaking into girls rooms and rummaging through their drawers to see what I could find.

Usually it was their vagina

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

When I was younger I used to sneak out of home to go parties.

Now I sneak out of parties to go home

The good news about going to the movies with your mom is that she's going to be good at sneaking in food...

the bad news is that it's always going to be a little quinoa.

Two women are in a insane asylum

Eventually they can't take anymore.

#THEY DECIDE TO ESCAPE!#

At night they slip out of their rooms and sneak towards the stairs. They climb up the stairs and make it to the roof. From there they can smell the fresh air, and taste freedom. All they have to do is jump to the next buildin...

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A little boy goes to his father and asks...

"Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into...

There's a guy sneaking around in grocery stores in my town dropping chunks of dry ice in boxes of cereal.

We're being attacked by a cereal chiller!

: As told by my 5 year old.

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I can still remember playtime at school, A bit of footie, sneaking a quick cigarette & trying to finger girls behind the bike shed.

I fucking miss that caretakers job.

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Three dudes sneak into a barn

So, three dudes sneak into a barn, and they're forced to sleep on the same haystack.
The morning after, the dude on the left says, "I had a dream that I was getting the best handjob!"
The dude on the right says, "Holy shit, I had the same dream!" The dude in the middle goes,"I dreamt that I ...

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Which Star Wars character would always sneak off set for a cheeky masturbating session?

Obi Wan Kernobi.

What kind of footwear do robbers use for sneaking around?

Probably Nike or Adidas

How does Severus Snape sneak up on a Gryffindor?

By slitherin’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday by sneaking into the chicken coop and replacing every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats the shit out of the peacock.

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

A blonde is running around the house with a flashlight and a shoe box.

She puts the flashlight on the floor, sneaks in front of the light, puts the box on the floor, then quickly closes the box.

Husband comes home, only to find his giggly wife doing this over and over again: “Honey, what the heck are you doing?”

“She was right, this is fun! Cindy told me...

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.

The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the fa...

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A punk gets onto a bus.

A few seats next to him he sees a young beautiful nun.



After the nun gets off the bus, the bus driver discretely asks the punk: "I saw how you looked at her, she sure is hot, isn't she?"

Punk: "Yes, she is"

Driver: "You would love to fuck her, right?"

Punk: "Sure,...

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A lion is taking a peaceful drink out of a jungle stream, when a gorilla spots him through the trees

The gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs his hindquarters, and screws him up the butt


The lion roars out and the gorilla takes off through the trees. The gorilla manages to stretch out his lead a bit, when he comes on a camp. The gorilla decides to disguise himself as a human on saf...

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To determine a rabbit's sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.

If *she* runs, it's a girl.

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

My girlfriend tried to sneak leafy greens into another country on our vacation...

...I thought customs was gonna Caeser salad, but they let it romaine.

Do you have a phobia of intruders sneaking into your home?

You're not alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much cocaine can a smuggler sneak into prison?

a buttload.

What's the best way to sneak cheat notes into an exam without getting caught?

Memorise them.

Went to visit my farmer friend and noticed a three-legged pig in the barnyard...

When I asked him what happened he said, “A couple of years ago, we had a fire in the cellar and that pig went to squealing and screaming and raising holy hell to wake us all up in time. Saved all our lives.

“Then, last summer, that pig saw a rattlesnake was sneaking up on little Timmy as he w...

A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra.

But he was spotted.

A husband comes home with a cat as a surprise to cheer up his wife who's been depressed lately since her mother passed away...

The cat was sneaking around the kitchen and knocked over some canned beans in the process. This made quite a bit of noise so when the wife went to the kitchen to investigate, she was pleasantly surprised to see that the cat was out of the bag and that she had spilled the beans.

How does a blackjack dealer sneak about?

He shuffles a round.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

I can sneak in an Uptown Funk reference here. Don't believe me?

Just watch.

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday

One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.



The brunette left and decided to go shopping.



The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.



The ...

A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar

A beta tester crawls into a bar

A beta tester moonwalks into a bar

A beta tester jumps into a bar

A beta tester sneaks into a bar

A beta tester orders 1 beer

A beta tester orders 2 beers

A beta tester orders 0 beers
...

My childhood memories of Christmas are dominated by the time I sneaked downstairs one Christmas Eve and heard my mother telling Father Christmas that he was a fat, lazy, good for nothing drunken slob...

I saw mommy dissing Santa Claus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angela Merkel invites to dinnerparty after G20 summit.

So, true story that has been leaked here in Germany, after the last G20 summit in Hamburg, Merkel invited all the leaders to a dinner party:

Sitting at the table Trump and Putin took a seat next to her, left and right. She notices the federal republic did not spare expenses and served dishes ...

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Two guys are out drinking late. One turns to the other and says "I'm going to hate going home. No matter how quietly I sneak into bed, my wife wakes up and starts nagging me". Other guy turns to him and says "I don't have that problem"

I come home, flip on the lights and yell "Honey! I'm home! Let's Fuck!" and she always pretends she's fast asleep.

Joey gets a call from his old friend in the mob, Arti.

Arti says "Listen Joey I know you don't want to hear this, but I saw your wife with another man."

Joey is upset by the news and says "Hey Arti, do you think you could take her out?"

"Sure thing" Arti replies.

"How much money do you want?" Says Joey.

"Joey, we're pals. I'l...

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

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A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.

"Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary" replied the man.

The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"

"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

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A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?"

"Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this offic...

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A mortician and a plumber

A mortician goes to work and his assistant lets him know that a body came in during the night. He and the assistant walk into the back and the assistant pulls back the sheet.

To his shock, the deceased is Steve the plumber - a popular, well-liked guy who couldn't have been older than 35.
<...

Vittore Santos decided to enter a Christmastime food competition. Entrants were to make 100 tacos and arrange them in the shape of a Christmas Tree.

The winner would win $10,000. Vittore made his tacos and arranged them into a truly majestic Christmas tree shape with taco ornaments and a taco star on top. All that was left was to wait for the judges and camera crew to come by.

While he was waiting, a man dressed as The Grinch pointed at h...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by...

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear — when they turn round I’m wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten.

I call it ‘Shock and Awwww!’

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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

A burglar sneaks into a house one night...

As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens in.

"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had n...

You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking.

Stupid mosquitoes!

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Three men sneak into a Sikh's harem.

The three men have their way with many of the beautiful women in the harem before the Sikh returns. The Sikh, angered by these men, lines them up and strips them.

He tells the men, "For touching my wives, you will be punished based off your lives." He turns to the first man, "What do you do f...

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I've been sneaking clay, sand and mortar into my housemate's food...

When they find out they'll shit bricks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night

to stir up some trouble.

A black guy, a spanish guy and a polish guy.

They throw some rocks and break some windows, they tip a cow or two and just generally run amuck.

The farmer hears all the ruckus and comes running out with his shotgun.

"who goes there!? Get off my far...

What do you call a pig sneak attack?

A Hambush.

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Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

Man is watching TV when his wife sneaks up behind him.

She then smacks him hard on the back of the head. He turns around and says, " what was that for?"

She says " I found this piece of paper in your pocket. Who is Dolores?"

He says, " that's the name of a horse I bet on". She apologizes.

A week later she sneaks up behind him and...

A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks ...

So a doctor visits a mental hospital...

He shows up, and the lady at the front desk directs him to an interesting duo. Two men, one of which is hanging from the ceiling and another who is seemingly sawing air. The doctor asks the man sawing away, "what is it that you are doing?" The man replies, "I'm building a ladder to sneak out of this...

April Fools Day............

The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids...

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

Why is leather armour best for sneaking?

It's made of hide.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry

x-post from /r/Showerthoughts. [Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/3iruvv/leather_armour_is_the_best_for_sneaking_because/)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I watched Mid-Western US Porn

The guy was so nice when he asked to eat ass.

He spread her cheeks and said “Ope, just gonna sneak on in here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend

(Told in a very thick Minnesotan accent which I won’t write out)

Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend and right away Ole shoots a big ol’ buck. So, they bring it back to the truck and start cleaning it and Sven says, “you know, Ole, this thing is so huge I bet Lena wouldn’t be able to cook it ...

There were three electrons going on a tour

Of Rhode Island. They are walking around happily when the police came and arrested one of them.

Despite protests from his friends , he was thrown across the state borders and asked to never come back. But him being a sport sneaked back across that night itself.

The next day, they were ...

A doctor has a friend, who one day admits he has recently become a vampire...

Having been friends since childhood, the doctor does not immediately dismiss the vampire. Instead, he offers to help.

“I have access to the blood bank at the hospital. If I fudge a few numbers I can sneak some out to help keep you fed, without hurting anyone”

The vampire thanks him an...

Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?

He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

"Where are you going?", asks the wife with suspicion when the husband tries to sneak out late at night. "Uhm, I'm going to... my lover."

"Liar!", she yells. "You're going to look for Pokémons, aren't you?"

the Ogre and the Trids

Once upon a time long, long ago there were beings called Trids barely making a living on the side of a hill. They knew, however, that there was a beautiful field of valuable Flurd just on the other side of the hill, and if they could get their hands on some of that Flurd, their lives would improve i...

Roses are red, Violets are glorious

Don't sneak up on,
Oscar Pristorius

Russian, American and UK special forces were assigned for a contest in the Sahara to bring one Camel to QH.

First the American Navy Seals, they sneak into the desert and after 3 hours they come back with a camel.
The UK SAS dispatch in the scorching desert, after 12 hours they brought a camel.
Russian elite Spetsnaz showing no emotions run into the desert. After 18 hours they came back, and they...

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it su...

A golfer sets his ball on the tee and lines up his shot.

He takes a massive swing and puts the ball into a huge forest of trees along the fairway. He finds his ball and sees an opening he thinks he could sneak the ball through. Taking out his three wood, the golfer takes another mighty swing. The ball bounces off a tree and fires back at him, nailing him ...

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy heads to the doctors office

It’s been a few years since he’s been in, so he decides to get a physical with blood work and labs.

He checks in with the same receptionist that was there years ago, and gets called in to see the doctor, who remembers him.

The doctor asks, “How have you been Pete?”

Pete replie...

The news

A man hates his neighbour , so he gets the town idiot - Arty - to kill him via strangulation for the cost of one (English) pound.Arty sneaks into the local supermarket but gets caught , and has to choke the guard who found him. He then chokes the neighbour and another guard as he makes his escape. T...

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