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Sneak Jokes

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.

Because it's made of hide

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

How do you sneak up on celery?

You stalk it.

I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

Yesterday my wife started screaming when i secretly sneaked into the bedroom after drinking all night with my friends

Apparently i turned up at the wrong house

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

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How much cocaine can a smuggler sneak into prison?

a buttload.

I sneak into farms and feed cannabis to cows

I like my steaks high

How do you sneak into a school for ghosts?

Just act super natural.

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To determine a rabbit's sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.

If *she* runs, it's a girl.

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

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Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.

Once done, one uses her panties to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.


The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any panties!"


"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between...

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Sneaking back in.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “guys.” I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”



Well, the hours passed and the shots went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in t...

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A guy's sneaking up behind his wife at the beach to give her a wet willy.

At the moment he goes for it, she decides to listen to the ocean in a big snail shell.  Yep.  Conch blocked.

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

I get so mad when people sneak up behind me and yell, "LET'S CAN SOME PEACHES !!!"

It's really jarring

How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?

It used the invisibility croak.

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3 priests are out fishing on a boat..

One of them says "We should confess our sins to one another."

The first one says "I have a gambling problem, I sneak out at night and gamble away all my money..

The second one says "I have an addiction to porn and can't stop looking at it."

The third one says "I am a gossip and ...

When I was in high school I wished that could be invisible so that I could sneak in the girls locker room.

Now I’m married And a beautiful woman takes her clothes off in front me and pretends I’m invisible every day!

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Three dudes sneak into a barn

So, three dudes sneak into a barn, and they're forced to sleep on the same haystack.
The morning after, the dude on the left says, "I had a dream that I was getting the best handjob!"
The dude on the right says, "Holy shit, I had the same dream!" The dude in the middle goes,"I dreamt that I ...

How was Jaws able to sneak up on people while they were swimming?

Wouldn't they hear the tuba?

Satan sneak into my house yesterday

He said I won't be getting any presents from him this christmas

Guys I m sneaking into Area 51

They didn't see m...

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Did you know that the Grim Reaper sneaks into everyone’s bedroom at night and jerks off? It’s true!

Death comes to us all.

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

What’s the easiest way to sneak a bomb onto a plane?

Buy a galaxy note 7

A stalker was caught sneaking into Emma Raducanu's house and also stole her father's boot.

The tennis star chose to downplay the incident but her father is hopping mad .

Why did Mike Tyson sneak into the bakery last night?

Because he's a whisk taker.

A burglar is sneaking out of a house...

Waiting outside are two cops. One points a can of pepper spray at the criminal.

"FREEZE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL USE FORCE!"

The burglar nods, puts his hands up and stands still. After a few seconds, the cop steps forward and touches his arm. Suddenly looking confused and angry, the cop s...

A guy wearing full camo sneaks into a bar

He tip-toes his way through the few customers idling about and tries to sneak behind the counter, but an invisible force violently pushes him back.

Realizing he's somehow been detected, he tries to escape from the bar only to be thwarted by another stern shove blocking his exit.

The ba...

A German sneaks into a swiss bank:

"I want to invest one million euros." he whispers.

The banker says: "You can talk aloud, poverty is no shame in Switzerland."

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor.

The Security Guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy.

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?

"Have you bean stalking me?"

1999: kidss sneak out to drink

2009: kids sneak out to smoke weed
2019: kids sneak out to get vaccinated

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

Many centuries ago, some thrill-seeking kings & queens would hire a special kind of jester to sneak up on them and try to scare the heck outta them at bedtime, what was it called?

Nightmare fool.

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

Fae are notoriously skittish. Do you know how you sneak up on them?

Fairy carefully

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Day off

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some ext...

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows?

The grim peeper.

The invisible man tried to sneak up behind me

But I saw right through him.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra.

But he was spotted.

I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

How does Severus Snape sneak up on a Gryffindor?

By slitherin’.

If you haven't been to church in a long time, does Jesus treat you like your mom when you sneak home after curfew...?

"***My*** Father and I were worried sick!"

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A man is sitting at a bar at closing time, complaining to his friend.

How is it I always get in trouble with my wife for staying at the bar so late and you never get in trouble with your wife? When I come home from a night out, I do everything so quietly. I turn off my car and coast into the driveway. I sneak in the basement door. I take off my clothes in the baseme...

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Adam sneaks away from Eve to talk to God privately. Adam: "God, why did you make my penis so small?"

God: "Eve has no one to compare you to, it shouldn't matter."

Adam: "Ok. And about the apple, I know you told us we couldn't eat that, but did you tell Eve she can't eat cucumbers either?"

God: "No, why do you ask?"

Adam: "Because she keeps one by the bed, but she never eats it....

What do we call a person who watches over kids while hiding in the shadows and sneaks in the kids room when the parents are asleep?

Santa Claus

What happens when you sneak up behind a church?

You scare the deacons out of it.

I can sneak in an Uptown Funk reference here. Don't believe me?

Just watch.

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Young boy sneaks into his parents room while the mother was with her lover...

And hides in the closet to peek


But, the husband suddenly returns from his job


Lover jumps in the closet and meets the boy


Boy: -Its dark here

Lover: -Yeah

B: - Wanna buy my ball?

L: -No

B: - My father is right outside...

L: -How m...

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

Why is it super hard to sneak up on a hurricane?

Because they’re always turning around. Be safe with Florence.

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Which Star Wars character would always sneak off set for a cheeky masturbating session?

Obi Wan Kernobi.

What’s it called when a not important person sneaks into the VIP section of a strip club?

a NIP slip

Do you have a phobia of intruders sneaking into your home?

You're not alone.

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A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

What's the best way to sneak cheat notes into an exam without getting caught?

Memorise them.

A burglar sneaks into a house one night...

As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The ...

When I was younger I used to sneak out of home to go parties.

Now I sneak out of parties to go home

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

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A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.

"Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary" replied the man.

The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"

"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?

He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

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I've been sneaking clay, sand and mortar into my housemate's food...

When they find out they'll shit bricks.

My girlfriend tried to sneak leafy greens into another country on our vacation...

...I thought customs was gonna Caeser salad, but they let it romaine.

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A koala wakes up next to a prostitute....

The koala tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the protitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala refuses to pay, so the protitute says "let's look in a dictionary for the definition of prostitut...

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Sometimes I tell everyone I'm going for a shit, then sneak off and wash my hair instead.

I have a sham-poo

Man is watching TV when his wife sneaks up behind him.

She then smacks him hard on the back of the head. He turns around and says, " what was that for?"

She says " I found this piece of paper in your pocket. Who is Dolores?"

He says, " that's the name of a horse I bet on". She apologizes.

A week later she sneaks up behind him and...

People call me an idiot because I like to sneak up behind horses just to scare them.

But I get a kick out of it.

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

Sometimes I try to sneak into the Intensive Care Unit to tell bad puns, but they always stop me by saying

ICU

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A gorilla passes away at the zoo

A gorilla passed away at the zoo right before it opens for the day.
It was the only gorilla in the zoo since they weren't a very profitable creature. However, the gorilla was very popular and the zoo couldnt afford to open without it.

The zoo manager asked one of his employees to wear a ...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by...

I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing

I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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[NSFW] As a teenager, I liked sneaking into girls rooms and rummaging through their drawers to see what I could find.

Usually it was their vagina

It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

There's a guy sneaking around in grocery stores in my town dropping chunks of dry ice in boxes of cereal.

We're being attacked by a cereal chiller!

: As told by my 5 year old.

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I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered .

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by .
The husband was suprised " ...

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A man comes home late from the bar

He knows his wife don't like it when he drinks, so he sneaks his way to the bathroom so he can piss.
When he opens the bathroom door, the light automatically turns on. He finds it odd, since he didn't buy any automated lights or something like that.
He thinks that maybe his wife had installed...

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