UPJOKE
police officerthievenabpolicemanstealsnitchapprehendarrestfuzznailcollarpighookcopperbull

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road

Driver: Sorry, I‘m English

Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It‘s the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, ...

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

A cop pulled me over and asked "Do you know why I pulled you over?'

I Said "if you already forgot, I'm not gonna tell you"

Cops are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog.

Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops

The cop asks “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg replies “No, but I know where I am.”

Don’t lie to the cops

Man gets pulled over by the police.

"Sir have you been drinking?"

"Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine."

"I'm going to ask you to take this breathalizer test."

"What! You don't believe me?"

I used to be a cop and one night after pulling someone over, he asked if he could pee on my wrist.

I said " Not on my watch "

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. I called the cops because I think he must be a part of...

...some extreme mist group.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, you know it's been fired.

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

A man leaves a bar and is pulled over by a cop...

he's had a few too many to drink and the cop tells him he's going to administer a sobriety test. The cop asks the driver to say the alphabet starting with the letter M. The man smugly looks at the cop and says "Malphabet."

The cops just called and told me they found my husbands body in the water

I was very concerned as that was not where I’d put it

A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.

I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

What do you call a Texas cop in tactical gear?

A copsplayer.

A cop pulls a car over for speeding...

A cop pulls a car over for speeding. The guy tries to defend himself by saying, "I was just going with the flow of traffic." The cop replies, "Ever go fishing?" "Yeah." "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

How many good cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows. When’s the last time good cops changed anything?

How is a cop like a panda?

Eats, shoots, and leaves.

A bee gets pulled over by the cops

The cop says: Have you been drinking tonight

The bee says: I'm just a little buzzed

When is a cop most scared for his life?

When someone else's life is on the line.

Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

Cop: sit on that chair, we're gona interrogate you.

Lawyer: \*whispering\* deny everything.
Me: \*loudly\* thats not a chair!

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A cop pulled over a bloke for speeding....

He goes up to the bloke and says

>And where do you think you're going at that speed this early in the morning.

The driver replies

>I'm going to work

To which the officer replies

>And what job requires you to get there this quick?

The driver thinking...

Why don't cops get tired of beating people?

They have a chance for arrest afterward



Thank you, I'll see myself out

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking."

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

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A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.

He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales dumbass." So I ask agai...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

What do cops and firefighters have in common?

They both wanted to be firefighters.

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Speeding?

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over.

He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to t...

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.

“Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?”

"No officer.”

“Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.”
<...

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A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectan...

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

A drunk was walking down the street and bumped into a cop.

The drunk says to the cop, "Man, somebody stole my car."

Cop says, "Well, where was it?"

The drunk says, "It was right here on the end of this key."

Cop replies, "I dunno man, you better go down to the precinct and report it down there and they'll fill out all the proper paperwo...

Questionable Morals

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of ...

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

A cop just knocked on my door...

...and tells me that a couple of dogs have been spotted chasing some kids around the neighborhood on bikes. He then asked if my dogs had been loose at all today, to see if it could have been them. I told him, "Sir, my dogs don't even know how to ride bikes."

This one time a cop pulled me over and asked me to say the alphabet backwards...

...so I said "tebahpla eht" and I spent the whole night in jail.

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

I drank a little too much at the bar last night, so I walked home...

Stumbled, actually. I was messing around with the keys and couldn't open the front door. After a few minutes a cop rolled up, got out of the car and asked if I was OK. "Yes, officer, just a little drunk, and trying to get into my house here" The officer asked if I was sure this was my house. "Of cou...

*The parking tickets*

I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a **handicap spot**.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writ...

A cop stopped a guy for speeding…

Cop said: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

The guy replied: “I was trying to keep up with traffic”

The cop said: “But there is no traffic”

And the guy answered: “That’s how far behind I am”

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

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A traffic cop stops a man for speeding

Policeman: "Can I see your driver's license?".

Man: "I don't have it, they suspended it for speeding."

Policeman: "Can you show me the registration document of the car?".

Man: "It's not mine, I stole it".

Policeman: "You stole this car?".

Man: “Exactly. But wait a...

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

A man is caught with the car full of penguins

the policeman says: "you have to take these animals to the zoo, or else I'll fine you!", the man agrees and leaves. The next day the same policeman again picks up the man with a car full of penguins.

The cop says: "didn't I tell you to take the penguins to the zoo?". The man replies: "I took ...

The Pope speeding.

The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope ...

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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

A cop is driving down the freeway when he looks over and spots a granny knitting whilst balancing the steering wheel with her knees

He pulls alongside the granny, and angrily shouts "pull over!"

The granny shouts back, "no, it's a scarf"

The Pope takes his first trip to New York City...

The Popemobile didn't fit on the plane, so he gets an armored limousine. The driver, a Catholic, is eager to please, so he asks the Pope if there's anything he can provide, to which the Pope says:

"If it's not a bother, I'd actually love to drive, it's the only thing I miss about my pre-Pope ...

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

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so a man is pulled over

The cop walks up to the window and says sir, do you know why I pulled you over? The man says no and the cop says I clocked you doing 77 in a 65. May I see you license, registration and proof of insurance. The man says he not only has none of those but the car is stolen. The couple he stole it from ...

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The cop and the kid

A cop walks around a playground and sees a kid playing in the sandbox. He goes up to the kid and asks:


"What are you making there?”


"A cop!"


"And what are you making him from?"


"Sand, water and shit!"


The cop gets super angry and gives the kid a...

A lawyer, a doctor, a cop, an electrician, a plumber walks into a bar.

**Bartender asks "So what will you have Johnny Sins?"**

A Cop pulls over a man for speeding and asks him,

“I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking”

The man gets annoyed and says, “Well Officer, I notice your eyes are glazed over, have you been eating donuts?”

If “Blue Lives” are real…

…that would mean they were Assigned Cop At Birth.

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How did the cops catch the bra thief?

They set a booby trap.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.

It said **'parking fine'** so that was nice.

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde were all in a car driving down an empty road that stretched for miles alongside a farm.

“Drive faster!” Entices the Redhead.

The car picks up speed.

“Fassterrr!!” Demanding the Blonde...

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my best/worst joke

Sorry for any formatting/language issues!

A man is sitting at work, when suddenly his supervisor walks by and asks:
-hey man, how are you doing? Listen. I need to ask you something. Have you ever seen a penguin?
The man thinks for a second and answers that no, he hasn't.
-YOU HAVE N...

What does a cop and a sweatshirt have in common ?

they both pullover

The drunk driver

The traffic cop has parked outside the bar and is looking for drunk drivers.
At closing time he spots one who leaves the bar, staggers a few times, and walks to his car.
He searches for his keys for five minutes, finds them, and searches for another five minutes to find the keyhole. Meanwh...

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A black man is driving in a Mercedes-Benz when he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks him for his license and registration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?"

The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes."

Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "Fi...

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

Why did the cops show up at the baseball game?

They heard someone was stealing bases.

Cats are better than dogs

No way would a cat ever work with the cops.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

Cop said papers

I said scissors and won so I sped off

guess he wants a rematch cause he's been chasing me for 20 minutes

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

What did the cop say while he was beating the electrical insulator?

“Stop resisting!”

Someone stole the toilets from the police station

The cops have nothing to go on

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

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A man is interrogated by a cop after witnessing a robbery

When the cop asks him what happened he says:

*"A truck stopped right in front of the jewellery store, the back of the truck opens and comes out a big elephant. The elephant walked right through the windows of the store and proceeded to steal everything it could. It then walked back in the tru...

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

A cop pulled me over for speeding..

"Sir, you were going easy too fast! Didn't you read the speed signs?"
"No, they're really hard to read when I'm traveling at 200mph"

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There's a French phrase "L'esprit de l'escalier" which means thinking of a perfect comeback for a perceived insult just as you leave the party.

My usual thing to say when I have to leave a party is "Oh shit, it's the cops!"

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

...

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Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass.

That was my first brush with the law.

What is a cop's favorite Christmas song?

Police Navidad

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A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

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A Cop just burst into my house...

And starting aggressively jerking me off...


... must have been a beat cop.

Which beer cans do cops shoot at for target practice?

Black and tan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia

Man: Wait I can explain everything

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account...

I just walk around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times...

I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

Why do cops always smell?

Because they're on duty!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

First day as a cop:

Newbie cop: Suspect is dancing naked on the plaza, I repeat, suspect is dancing naked

Dispatch: Roger, copy that

Newbie cop: ...I can try but I'm not much of a dancer?..

A cop asked me if I'd seen anything unusual.

I said "Yeah, once I saw a marlin with a hat." He said "I mean around here" and I said "No he was on the wall at a bar in Hawaii."

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