This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

...

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

cops are like a box of chocolates...

they'll kill your dog.

A highway cop stops a car that is going too slow

He gets out and goes up to the car, and finds it full of old ladies. He addresses the driver:

​

"Maam, you were going 20 miles an hour on a 70 mile an hour highway. Going that slow is too dangerous"

​

"But officer, I was just following the speed limi...

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

5.

1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:

- A hand in the field.

- A leg in the field.

- Torso in the field.

- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop pulls over a driver...

A cop pulls over a driver and says that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.

The man responded “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

At that momen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

What did the cop say to the black nurse after his vasectomy?

Don’t run, I shoot “blanks”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

The English cop thinks,”What could have gone so wrong in this man’s life to make him so upset with society? There’s a new program down in Bristol that might help him out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit

The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!” My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”

Called the cops on the barber shop today

Heard they were grooming children.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.


The cop asks the woman, “Where did you get all of that money?”


She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fenc...

Cop pulled me over

I was pulled over by a cop, for a random breath test

The cop shoved the machine in my face and asked me to count to 5

I counted 1.....2.....3.....4 and looked at him.

He looked back confused, Then I said “I’m a bass player.... I can’t count past 4

A cop pulls over a woman going the wrong way down a one-way street.

“Where the heck do you think you’re going?” the cop asks.

​

“I don’t know, but I must be late because it looks like everyone is coming back.”

​

A traffic cop pulled over a driver in who had been weaving erratically along the highway

Approaching the car, he said: ‘Sir, i need you to blow into a breathalyser.’
‘Sorry officer,’ he replied. ‘I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If i do that, I’ll have a rally bad asthma attack.’
‘Well, then i need you to come to the station to give me a blood sample.’
‘I can’t do ...

Cop: You were going 68 in a 55

Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little higher so I can hear the judge saying it out loud?

Cop: Sure whatever

[Later in traffic court]

Judge: How the hell were you going 420 in a 55?

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Two cops get to this guy's house to have a talk

Knock knock

Cop: Police here. Is anyone home?

Guy (yet inside the house): Yes. Why?

Cop: We just want to have a talk.

Guy: How many of you are there?

Cop: There's 2 of us!

Guy: Great, so you can talk with each other! Bye.

A particle gets pulled over. Cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Particle says "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office

I will find you.

​

You have my Word.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cop approaches Mickey Mouse and says “ Someone urinated in...

Cop approaches Mickey Mouse and says :

“ Someone urinated in the snow in front of your house and it reads ‘Fuck Mickey’. We ran test and we have some bad news, it’s Goofy’s urine.

..

..

..

Even worse it’s Minnie’s handwriting"

​

PS:- Found...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

A man gets pulled over and the cop asks if he’s been drinking.

He responds, “With all the drugs I’ve been taking?! What do I look like? Stupid?”

There was a highway cop

... and he was sitting in his patrol car on the side of a highway, with his speed gun, doing the same thing he does every day: watching the law abiding citizens drive past obeying the speed limit.

A yellow car goes past.

A red car.

A white van.

A green car.

A black...

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

Good cop: where is the money?

Blind cop: *bangs fists on the table* WHERE IS EVERYTHING

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

Cops and Speeders

TW: blonde joke

A blonde was driving on the highway and a motorcycle officer pulled her over for speeding.

The officer approached the drivers door and when her helmet came off, turns it was a blonde female cop. She asked the driver for her license. The driver frantically searched ...

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

A cop pulled someone over

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I'm English.

Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop marries a girl he's never had sex with.

Figuring she is naive, on the wedding night he drops his pants and says, "Do you know what this is, honey?" His wife giggles and blushes and says, "Oh it's your little wee-wee." The cop says, "This, dear, is a cock." The wife sys, "Hey, I've dated firemen and EMTs, and believe me, that's a little we...

The cops in my town are looking for a racist attacker, so I called them up.

Apparently it wasn’t a job interview.

Cops raided my home and found some marijuana shrubs in my greenhouse. They asked me how it got there

I told them they were clearly planted there

A guy is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop approaches the car and the driver rolls down the window.

"Driver's licence and insurance?"

"I don't have a driver's licence and the car was stolen."

Cop slowly backs up a bit and puts his hand on a gun.

"Is there anything else I should know? Any weapons in the ca...

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

Cop: who’s car is this? What do you do for a living? Where are you going?

Miner: mine

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets pulled over by a cop ...

The officer says, "Sir, did you know you have a broken tail light?"

The guy's wife, sitting next to him, says, "I told you to get that fixed."

The guy screams at his wife, "Shut the fuck up!"

The officer asks for license, and registration, and says, "Sir, your license is expired...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

What’s a cop’s favorite place to eat?

Arrestaurant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night? he growls.
It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow, the young lad declares.
Oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you the cop exclaims.
Being your last time having sex and all.

Cop: “Sir, how high are you?”

“5’11.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

A cop see's a suspicious teenager driving erratically,and pulls him over

The policeman notices the drivers red eyes, and the smell of cannabis on his breath, so asks him if he's been smoking pot

The teenager says "Yeah, but I've got a prescription for it"

"What's the prescription for? inquires the officer

"Anxiety, but I only get it when a cop pulls ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop pulls over a woman...

...who is wearing very slutty attire.

Cop: You were speeding in a school zone. I’ll have to give you a ticket.

Woman: Oh officer, surely there’s something I can do to help you. *pulls out breasts*

Cop: For you information, ma’am, I am homosexual, and regardless of my sexual orie...

A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor was arrested yesterday when the cops found him hiding cocaine up his butt.

He was charged with possession of crack cocaine.

This Cop noticed I was tired

He put me under a rest

If it’s an undercover cop...

Is it okay to call them Pigs in a blanket?

What are corrupt cops

Just bunch of undercover criminals!

The cops picked up a couple of spices for robbing a bank. Oregano says he won’t talk,

But only Thyme will tell.






Credit to u/hawt_pawket for helping me.

Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

Gotdam cop just wrote me a ticket for an open container.

How's I'm supposed to drink it if it ain't open?

A man is sitting at a bar when a cop runs in.

"Sir," the cop shouts, holding up a strip of undeveloped film, "Is this you?!"

The man looks at the film strip, then at the officer. "That's a negative, sir."

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.

He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading.

"Why are you reading? How old are you?"

"I'm 19 officer."

"And her?"

"Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

The cops are questioning me about illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia.

I said, “I can explain everything.”

Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

The cocaine that I bought is so white..

..That the cops just let it go with a warning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Have you heard about the documentary on an average cops view of a black man in america

Pokemon: Gotta Catch em all

A blonde is pulled over for speeding.

Turns out the officer is also a blonde woman.

"Let's see your license"

"What's that?'

"The thing in your purse with your face on it"

The Blonde pulls out her compact mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the blonde policewoman.

The policewoman looks at it and says,<...

My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion.

Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!...

Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?

So they can beat the crowds.

The Ultimate Blonde Joke

A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?'

The cop says, "You know - it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it".

The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hand...

A man is pulled over by a cop on the suspicion that the man is Driving Under the Influence.

Cop: Are you high?

Man: Am I what?

Cop: High.

Man: Hello.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a cop’s penis after he’s done masturbating?

Pulled pork.

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in the early 1900s Japanese cops always had a mustache

One day a Japanese man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter for a free bowl of ramen because he is a cop. The waiter replied " you dont have a mustache so how do i know id you are a real cop...". The man quickly pulls down his pants and undys, points to his bush and says "im undercover"

Dirty cop, dirty wife.

A policeman comes home from work early and finds his wife naked and a pair of boots his never seen before at the door. He starts running around the house. He opens the bathroom door, looks inside and says:"No one here, so where is he?".

He goes to the kitchen, checks under the table and says:...

The Speeder and The Cop

A man is caught speeding by a cop.

The cop asks “Why were you going so fast?”

The man responds, “I had to get to the Policeman’s Ball.”

The cop exclaims “Policemen don’t have balls!”

Why couldn't the cops catch the toilet bandit?

They had nothing to go on!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop pulls a guy over..

Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.”

Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.”

The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system”

“Nick”

“Nick... wha...

I'm sick of these undercover cops always trying to bait me with online female personas.

Nice try f/bi.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of leaving a note under my wipers to let me know I’d positioned my car correctly

It said “Parking fine” so that was nice.

What do you call a cop in Italy?

A guinea pig.

OC per my crazy Italian Uncle. All mail should be directed to my ass.

What did the professor reply when the cop said “I’m going to need to ask you a couple questions”?

You’re welcome to come see me during my office hours.

A cop tells his sergeant, "Wow, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"

"Oh, so you have arrested her then?" The sergeant asked.

"No, not yet. The floor is still wet."

Why do thugs buy used cop cars?

They never got to sit up front

A cop arrested a European robot, but eventually let it go.

He couldn't charge it with anything.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cops are sitting in a bar when a group of loud, rude assholes start arguing behind them.

The cops tell them that people are complaining, and they should cut it out. “Fuck off!” the leader of the group yells back.

The bartender notices this, and comes up with a plan to help the cops. “Here’s what you have to do,” he says. “Just give them each one of these drinks, and they’ll stop...

A cop stops a guy for speeding

Cop: Sir, I need to see your drivers license.

Guy: what, you guys took it from me two years ago, don't tell me you lost it.

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

The cops showed up saying my dogs were chasing kids on bikes again.

I guess I’m going to have to take their bicycles away.

Cop: You are certain that your identity has been stolen then?

:Very

A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license. The guy says sorry I never got my drinking license.

Have you been drinking? No, but when I do, they ask for my drivers license.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!