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Pirate Jokes

Where do pirates get their hooks?

The second hand store.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

The letter P, without it he’s irate.

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.



Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

A pirate goes to the dermatologist.

A pirate goes to the dermatologist to check the red bumps on his arm.

The dermatologist looks at them, and says "Don't worry, they're benign."

The pirate says, "Arrr! I counted them meself, and there be eleven of 'em!"

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

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What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

What did the pirate call his non-seafaring girlfriend?

His land lover

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

Request: PG Pirate Jokes

I have two jokes that I use a bunch and requesting a third.

1. What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday?
Ayyyy, matey

2. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You think it be R, but my first love be the C

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

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A Pirate Joke that doesn't end with "ARRRR."

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"

"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were ...

What is pirate's favourite letter?

Letter of marque.

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I once saw a pirate woman with an amazing butt.

I'd say she was thicc with 7 C's.

What a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"



The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

G...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.


The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg....

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Famed pirates Anne Bonny and Mary Read would board ships with their tits out to distract and intimidate enemy sailors.

It had no effect on their own crew because pirates only care about booty.

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

Where do pirates store their computer data?

In an ARRay.

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A pirate walks into a bar…

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his dick. The bartender says, “Sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel on your penis?” And the pirate says AARRRRRRRRR! It drives me nuts!

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?

One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

What does a pirate do when they get sick?

They go to the dock

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What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

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Are pirates ass men or tit men

Ass men. It’s all about the quality of the booty, not the size of the chest.

Came up with this a few months ago and keep forgetting to post it.

A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."

The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."


"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

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A Pirate walks into a bar

(The funniest joke my friend told me, hope it hasn't been posted here before)

A Pirate enters a bar and goes to the bartender to ask for a drink.

The bartender eyes the pirate and asks him how he ended up looking like that.

"Ah you must mean the peg-leg, me lad. 'Tis a fine tale...

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Q: What does a dyslexic pirate say?
A: RRRRRRA!

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So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

Why is a pirate a marketing-employee?

Because he works'n'sails

What makes a Pirate angry?

When someone steals their P

How much do pirates charge for corn?

A buck-an-ear.

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An old pirate was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter

"I note that you have had a lot of injuries... I see you have a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. What caused those?"

The old pirate nodded. "Piratin' is a rough life indeed. I was a mere deckhand on me first ship, and we met up with an British dreadnaught. Twas a fierce battl...

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Why are porch pirates gay?

They love mail booty

What is a pirates least favorite workout?

Planks.
His favorite is chest day.

What does a pirate say when gets kicked in the nuts?

Menards

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What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?

Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?

Just watched a pirated movie

On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14

The pirate and the parrot

This Pirate, his parrot and his crew were rowing up on a ship they’re gonna try and board in the dead of night.
The Pirate whispers out in’a gravely voice, row you dirty b***tards.
A few seconds later the parrot whispers, row you dirty b***tards.

The Pirate whispers out, feel the f***in...

How much did it cost the pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buck an ear

What's a pirate's favorite US state?

Yarr, that be the Tennessea.

How do cyclical pirates swear?

By Recursing.

Two pirates

Two pirates have just finished developing a machine with the ability to think and learn.

The first pirate says, "This is amazing! You should come up with a name for this."

The second pirate says, "AI, captain!"

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop...

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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

How much a pirate charge for piercings?

A buccaneer.

(Although if you ask me, that's two deer)

Pirates!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party. The first mate went running into the Captain's quarters and said,...

What Do You Call a Young Pirate Who Loves to Play Music?

A Cee Minor!

Have you heard the one about the pirate boxer?

He's got a mean left hook.

Do you know how fuel efficient a pirate ship is?

It can get 40 miles to the galleon

Wife: Okay. Here’s what’s got to change. I’m sick of you saying I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

Husband: I never knew you sold flowers!

If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say?

.RAR

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!



[ I'm^so^sorry ]

Why do pirates leave the bathroom angry?

Because after the Pee is gone, they're just Irate.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype.

Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand...

But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.

Why did the pirate go ashore?

For a little R & R, matey.

'How old arr you?' asked one of the pirate's sailors.

The pirate replied, 'Aye matey.'

Why do lawyers love pirates?

Because they make the best “aye” witnesses

Did you hear about the existential pirate?

Me thinks, therefore me arrrr!

Pirate Barrel

One day a new recruit boards a famous pirate ship and is given the tour of it.Finally, the captain shows him a big barrel with a hole on the side beneath the stairs of the ship and tells him:
-This is where we men take out some steam maety, you can use it every day of the week except for Mondays<...

Where do pirates play videogames?

The arrrrghcade!

What’s a pirate’s least favorite wine?

Pinot No Arrrghh

What’s a pirate’s favorite Beatles song?

“Blackbeard singing in the dead of night…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are pirates all sexually frustrated?

Because they’re looking for booty but all they ever find is big chests.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a pirate on the street the other day

"Oh my gosh, are you a pirate?"

"Aye, I be a pirate."

"Wow, cool! I see you have a peg leg. How did you come to need that?"

"It was during a mutiny. Me crew threw me overboard and a shark bit me leg off."

"Ouch. And your hook? How'd that happen?"

"During the mutiny...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates call a prostitute on a pier?

LAAAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

What did the pirate say to the Reddit poster?

tld-ARRRRRRRRRRR…

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

Who is the best Pirate actress?

Judy gARRRland.

Pirate 1: "the treasures be buried"

Pirate 2:" *are"

Why can't you tell pirate jokes to kids?

Because they're all ARRRRR rated!

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

A pirate walks in a barrr and barrrtender says, “Be ye knowin’ thar be a helm in yer knickers?!”

To which the pirate responds,

“Aye, and it be drivin’ me nuts!”

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar.

They sit down next to each other and get to Talking. Their chat soon turns to their sea Adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting Wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing Ships and killing his enemies.
The sailor notices That the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a Peg leg, ...

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

What is a pirate's favorite comic book company?

You may've thought it was Marrrrrvel, but his first love is always DC.

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel tucked partially under his hat. The bartender says to him, "Oi, what's that?" The pirate responds, "Aargggh, I've got a bounty on me head."

Why is being a pirate addictive?

They say that after you lose your first hand, you get hooked!

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar ... and it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

What do you call a pirate's wife?

Land Ho!

I'll show myself out.

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A Pirate Walks Into A Bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a massive steering wheel on his dick.

Confused the barkeep asks him,” You know you have a steering wheel on your dick, right?”

“Aye, it’s a drivin’ me nuts”.

What do you call when a Pirate updates their iPhone?

an iPatch.



Story:

I went to a Pirate dinner show and they were giving away bandanas and eyepatches and I thought of this joke.

Hate it, love it... I don't care :)

When does a pirate finish pirate school?

At the end of the yar

Pirates

A young man gets promoted to first mate on a rich merchant ship. One beautiful Caribbean day there’s a shout from the crows nest.
“Captain , there is one pirate ship on the horizon” to which the Captain yells to his first mate “ first mate, quick, get me my red shirt!!!!”
The first mate quickl...

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What does a Japanese pirate say?

Nothing, he's too busy frying the prane.

What happened to the pirate who started wearing glasses?

People started calling him "Three Eyes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates sing during fellatio?

"Wey hey, blow the man down."

Why do pirates listen to opera music?

Because they love the high Cs.

What did the pirate plumber always tell customers?

Fear not if ye see the Kraken

How does a pirate spell "thick"?

thiccccccc

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