The 125+ Best Pirate Jokes

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

How much did it cost the pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buck an ear

Why did the pirate go ashore?

For a little R & R, matey.

What is a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Sir or Ma'am,

we are cutting your internet connection due to illegal downloading and copyright violations.

Sincerely, Internet Provider

Why is a pirate a marketing-employee?

Because he works'n'sails

What is pirate's favourite letter?

Letter of marque.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

A writ of safe passage from his majesty, King Charles II of England.

Alyssa: “I’ve had it up to here with you, John! You think I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

John: “You want to know something? I do think you talk like a pirate! And I didn’t even know you sold flowers!

What’s a pirate’s favorite kink?

Pegging

What’s a pirate’s favorite Beatles song?

“Blackbeard singing in the dead of night…”

Where do pirates play videogames?

The arrrrghcade!

Where do pirates store their computer data?

In an ARRay.

What's a pirate's favorite cheese?

Jarrrrrlsberg

Why can't you tell pirate jokes to kids?

Because they're all ARRRRR rated!

What did the pirate say to the Reddit poster?

tld-ARRRRRRRRRRR…

A pirate walked into a bar.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I g...

Netflix has devised the perfect way to stop the distribution of pirated movies

They now block all movies with an IMDB rating of 3.14 ;)

Pi-rated .. sorry ;)

What do you call a pirate that goes to community college?

Captain Blackboard

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

What's a pirate's favorite periodic element?

Gold. What would a pirate want to do with Argon?

Old pirate

What does an eighty year old pirate say?

ArrrrMatey

What is a pirate's favorite comic book company?

You may've thought it was Marrrrrvel, but his first love is always DC.

There was a pirate who wanted to become a soprano singer.

Despite dedication and practice, they had to be honest with themselves;

They would never be able to reach the high C's.

What do you call when a Pirate updates their iPhone?

an iPatch.

Story:

I went to a Pirate dinner show and they were giving away bandanas and eyepatches and I thought of this joke.

Hate it, love it... I don't care :)

What is a pirates least favorite letter?

One from his manager saying he has been traded to the Mets.

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What do you call a pirate that pisses on people?

aRRRRR Kelly

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his penis.

The bartender says "excuse me sir, but are you aware there's a wheel attached to your penis?"

"Arrr," says the pirate, "it drives me nuts!"

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.

Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .

why couldn't the pirates play cards?

the captain was stood on the deck

Why do pirates always need the letter P

Because without it they would be irate

What does Santa say when he visits good pirates?

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum!!

Made this one up when I was 5 or 6 and I’m still getting mileage out of it 30+ years later

What is a pirates least favorite workout?

Planks.
His favorite is chest day.

What did the pirate plumber always tell customers?

Fear not if ye see the Kraken

I gave up on being a porch pirate...

It's just not for me

What is a pirates favorite soft drink?

Arrr Sea cola

What do old pirate captains and math teachers have in common?

They both yell at younger people to find X

What drink do Pirates get at McDonald’s?

The Hi-C!

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What do pirates sing during fellatio?

"Wey hey, blow the man down."

Why do pirates love strip clubs?

Because they love seeing booty

What do you call a pirate who urinates on peple?

RRRRRRkelly

Who are the pirates favorite team at the world cup?

Ahrr-gentina

it's international Talk Like A Pirate Day! enjoy a cross-re-post.

What's a Pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it'd be r, but a pirate's first love is the C.

How do pirates stay in shape?

They plank.

[OC] Why did the pirate say he had cute kitten bandaids?

“To treat me owies…”

'How old arr you?' asked one of the pirate's sailors.

The pirate replied, 'Aye matey.'

so a pirate walks into a bar

The pirate's walking oddly, the bartender looks at him, says 'Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?' Pirate replies, 'Aye, it's driving me nuts!'

What do a pirate and a photon have in common?

They're both constantly moving at c

How much did the pirate sell his corn for?

A buc-an-ear (buccaneer)

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So this kid dressed like a pirate goes Trick Or Treating...

A lady answers the door and says "My! What a big buccaneer!" He replies "Oh yeah! Well you gotta big fuckin' head lady!"

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid.

If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

My friend and I were talking about pirated movie in China

Friend: I can watch a whole movie on Bilbili

Me: There are basically no Copyright in China, because the people there have no right.

Friend: So they left with copy. And they think copy is right

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

What do you call a broke pirate?

Johnny Debt

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his bucking hat.

Sorry if this has been posted recently! You know pirate jokes. You hear one, you’ve heard them arrrrrrrr

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I met a pirate at the bar…

Me: Excuse me sir, are you a pirate?

Pirate: Rrrrrr, indeed I am matey!

Me: Wow, I have never met a pirate before, what’s your name?

Pirate: Ahhh, me crew named me after two great sea tales, Black Beard the mighty pirate and the great Moby Dick!

Me: *hesitating to ask*…S...

What’s a pirates favourite plant?

An arrrrrrtichoke!

Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I captain.

What do zombie pirates eat?

Arrrrms!

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...

What kind of pirate pees on you?

Rrrrrrrr Kelly

I got a 'Pirate's Discount' at the piercing shop.

Only a buccaneer!

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Are pirates ass men or tit men

Ass men. It’s all about the quality of the booty, not the size of the chest.

Came up with this a few months ago and keep forgetting to post it.

The pirate comes up onto the deck

The pirate comes up onto the deck and finds the captain.

"The cannons be ready, Sire!" announced the pirate.

The captain replies, "Are".

This joke was brought to you by the grammar police.

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What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

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What’s the difference between an informal dinner event and a pirate having sex?

One you come as you are, the other you arrrr as you come

Why don’t pirates like Sunny Delight?

They prefer the high sea.

Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap?

So just in case they go overboard they can wash up on shore!

Arrrrgh

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I once saw a pirate woman with an amazing butt.

I'd say she was thicc with 7 C's.

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

What did the pirate CEO say to his crew?

Argh you have to work harder! Our **sails** are down!

What do pirates do when they get sick of your physics questions?

They make you walk the Planck.

What's a pirate's favourite file type?

.rar

Whats a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet

None. Historians believe pirates were illiterate.

How much did the pirate pay for his feather earrings?

A buck-an-ear

What’s a pirate’s favorite hymn to sing in church?

Arrrr-ve Maria

What is a pirate’s favorite letter?

Gee, I didn’t see that coming.

Novice pirates are always bad singers.

They can never hit the high seas.

What does the law enforcing pirate say, when you ask him, what he's going to do on the long weekend?

Arrr rest

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What did the pirate say to the prostitute pilot?

Land, hoe!

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

Why didn't the pirate drive through the roundabout?

S'curvy!

Who drives the ship while all the pirates are pillaging?

No one, they just turn on auto-pirate

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship

i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

How does a pirate spell "thick"?

thiccccccc

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A Pirate dressed like Bruno Mars

I was once at a pub and saw a Pirate dressed like Bruno Mars;
It was getting late, so I asked him for the time.
To which, he replied:
"Yarr, don't believe me wristwatch."

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?

One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

What did the pirate say when he caught the ocean in bed with the beach?

land ho!

why cant pirates sing the alphabet?

They keep getting lost at "C"....

A Pirate was offered a prosthetic in place of his eye patch...

The doctor asked, "I made this prosthetic eye out of oak wood to replace your eye patch. Would you like to try it?"

The pirate replied, "Would I?!"

What do you call a sentient robot pirate?

Aaarrgh-tificial intelligence, me matey!

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

Pirates

A young man gets promoted to first mate on a rich merchant ship. One beautiful Caribbean day there’s a shout from the crows nest.
“Captain , there is one pirate ship on the horizon” to which the Captain yells to his first mate “ first mate, quick, get me my red shirt!!!!”
The first mate quickl...

Where do pirates get their hooks?

The second hand store.

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel tucked partially under his hat. The bartender says to him, "Oi, what's that?" The pirate responds, "Aargggh, I've got a bounty on me head."

Guy meets a Pirate in a bar.

He is missing an arm, a leg, and an eye. I mean stereotypical pirate.

Guy asks, "I got to know, how did you lose the leg?"

Pirate says, "arg, I was hunting a big-ol whale and a rope snatched 'round me leg and tore it clean off."

Guy says, "Wow, so- so how did you lose the arm."...

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What do pirates call a prostitute on a pier?

LAAAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I pirated an ethics textbook.

I'll find out if I did the right thing soon enough.

Why can't pirates use sign language?

Because the hook makes everything sound like a question.

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar ... and it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

Blackbeard is in the bath and he finds 10 new moles on his back.

Being a health concious pirate, he books an appointment with his dermatologist to get them checked out. The dermatologist takes a look and says "Well, cap'n, i've done a thorough examination and i'm pretty sure they're benign"

Blackbeard replies "Arrrrrr, can ye check again? I'm sure ...

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

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A Pirate walks into his local tavern.

He has just returned from a long venture out at sea and hasn’t been there for a while.

The bartender sees him and immediately screams, “Holy hell, what happen to your leg?”

Pirate: “What do you mean?”

Bartender: “What do I mean?! you got a bloody piece of wood where your leg was...

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

The Internet Provider

What dating app did the pirate create?

Shiver Me Tinder

All his life, Pedro had wanted to be a pirate. And when he got the opportunity to interview for a position on a pirate ship, he was overjoyed...

Arriving at the quay, Pedro and the other pirate hopefuls stood around and waited for the captain to call them one by one on board for their interviews.

The captain emerged, but much to Pedro's surprise, instead of conducting individual interviews one-on-one on board the ship, the captain bid...

What does a pyromaniac pirate call his son?

Arrrrr-son

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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrrrrrrr Kelly

What instrument does a pirate play?

A guit-arrrgh

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A pirate and his newest sailor were at a bar, when the sailor noticed all the captain's scars.

\- How did you get the wooden leg? - asked the sailor.

\- I was fightin' four sharks, I caught three, but one stayed 'n tore me leg off.

\- How did you get the hook?

\- I was fightin' five sharks, I caught four, but one stayed 'n swallowed me hand.

\- And how did you get ...

How do you become a pirate lawyer?

You pass the YARRRRR exam!

Why did the pirate fail his Physics class?

He constantly tried to walk the Planck.

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You know what pirates consider their best orgasms?

When they come as they Arrr.

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A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

The dehydrated pirate had no pee

So he was irate

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

Why couldn’t the pirate watch a movie without a parent?

It was rated Arrr

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed some arrr and arrr.

What's a pirates favorite sock?

Arrr-gyle.

What's a pirate's favorite shooting sport?

Arrr-chery.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ceee.

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

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What do you call a pirate with a big ass

Thiccccccc, with seven seas

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

There's an official term for something used to measure the length of a pirate's life.

It's a span-ish.

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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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