UPJOKE
crimebuccaneershipboathijackblackbeardslavepirate shipsailorschoonerwarshiplaw-breakingcriminal offensecriminal offenceancient greece

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

The letter P, without it he’s irate.

Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I captain.

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What’s the difference between an informal dinner event and a pirate having sex?

One you come as you are, the other you arrrr as you come

How does a pirate spell "thick"?

thiccccccc

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Are pirates ass men or tit men

Ass men. It’s all about the quality of the booty, not the size of the chest.

Came up with this a few months ago and keep forgetting to post it.

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

What is a pirates favorite letter?

You’d think it’d be Rrrr, but tis the C they love!

A pirate walk into a pub with steering wheel in his pants

The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"

Pirate looks at him and says, "Argh it's driving me nuts"

What did the pirate CEO say to his crew?

Argh you have to work harder! Our **sails** are down!

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

What do you call a sentient robot pirate?

Aaarrgh-tificial intelligence, me matey!

How do pirates prefer to communicate?

Aye to Aye!

Why can't pirates use sign language?

Because the hook makes everything sound like a question.

How much does a pirate pay for piercings?

Buck an ear...

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What did the pirate say to the prostitute pilot?

Land, hoe!

Why didn't the pirate drive through the roundabout?

S'curvy!

Guy meets a Pirate in a bar.

He is missing an arm, a leg, and an eye. I mean stereotypical pirate.

Guy asks, "I got to know, how did you lose the leg?"

Pirate says, "arg, I was hunting a big-ol whale and a rope snatched 'round me leg and tore it clean off."

Guy says, "Wow, so- so how did you lose the arm."...

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel tucked partially under his hat. The bartender says to him, "Oi, what's that?" The pirate responds, "Aargggh, I've got a bounty on me head."

How do you become a pirate lawyer?

You pass the YARRRRR exam!

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What do pirates call a prostitute on a pier?

LAAAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Why couldn’t the pirate watch a movie without a parent?

It was rated Arrr

Why did the pirate fail his Physics class?

He constantly tried to walk the Planck.

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You know what pirates consider their best orgasms?

When they come as they Arrr.

A Pirate was offered a prosthetic in place of his eye patch...

The doctor asked, "I made this prosthetic eye out of oak wood to replace your eye patch. Would you like to try it?"

The pirate replied, "Would I?!"

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A Pirate walks into his local tavern.

He has just returned from a long venture out at sea and hasn’t been there for a while.

The bartender sees him and immediately screams, “Holy hell, what happen to your leg?”

Pirate: “What do you mean?”

Bartender: “What do I mean?! you got a bloody piece of wood where your leg was...

One pirate says to another

One pirate says to another "Hey captain, how did you lose your eye?".
He responds - "Arrr I got into a fight with my wife, its ok though eye patched things up with her"

How much does it cost for pirates to get their ears pierced?

About a Buccaneer

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I once saw a pirate woman with an amazing butt.

I'd say she was thicc with 7 C's.

What's a pirate's favorite Christmas movie?

It's A Plunderful Life!

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

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A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

What instrument does a pirate play?

A guit-arrrgh

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

You'd think it'd be R, but it's the C they truly love!

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey

What dating app did the pirate create?

Shiver Me Tinder

What do you call a pirate ship after the crew commits mutiny?

A Crew's-ship

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What do you call a pirate with a big ass

Thiccccccc, with seven seas

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A pirate and his newest sailor were at a bar, when the sailor noticed all the captain's scars.

\- How did you get the wooden leg? - asked the sailor.

\- I was fightin' four sharks, I caught three, but one stayed 'n tore me leg off.

\- How did you get the hook?

\- I was fightin' five sharks, I caught four, but one stayed 'n swallowed me hand.

\- And how did you get ...

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

A pirate walks into a bar...(long-ish)

With a huge pirate ship steering wheel on the front of his pants, he walks up to the bartender and says

"ARR, INN-KEEP! POUR ME STRONG DRINK"

The bartender agrees and pours him a short glass, acknowledging the odd appearance of the pirate but not saying anything so not to offend.
...

A pirate walks into a bar and he’s got a wheel in his crotch

Bartender asks him about the wheel and the pirate goes
“Arrghh, it’s driving me nuts!”

All his life, Pedro had wanted to be a pirate. And when he got the opportunity to interview for a position on a pirate ship, he was overjoyed...

Arriving at the quay, Pedro and the other pirate hopefuls stood around and waited for the captain to call them one by one on board for their interviews.

The captain emerged, but much to Pedro's surprise, instead of conducting individual interviews one-on-one on board the ship, the captain bid...

A pirate trained his pet whale to come when he whistled

One day, he heard a navy general whistle the same way

Furious, the pirate fired all cannons and blew their ship in half. In victory he yelled

Sank you!

The general yelled back

Your whale comes!

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar ... and it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?

One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

What’s letter can pirates never get past in the alphabet

You think it’d be the Arrrr. But they’re always stuck at sea

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

Why did the pirate get cancelled?

He used the hard "arr!"

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed some arrr and arrr.

What's a pirates favorite sock?

Arrr-gyle.

What's a pirate's favorite shooting sport?

Arrr-chery.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ceee.

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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrrrrrrr Kelly

What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in an abandoned pirate ship?

Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!

What’s a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire

He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stro...

The dehydrated pirate had no pee

So he was irate

Boy goes trick or treating as a pirate…

Man: Oh look a pirate! Where are your buccaneers?

Boy: Underneath my bucking hat!!!

So this pirate walks into the bar...

A pirate wearing a steering wheel steps into the local watering hole, sits down and says "Aye let me get a ice cold Budweiserrrrrr" Bartender says "excuse me sir, are you aware you have a giant steering wheel in your trousers? Pirate: .." Rrrrr, yeah, it driving me nuts!"

What does a pyromaniac pirate call his son?

Arrrrr-son

Where do Pirates go to play games?

The Arrrr-cade!

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

Where does a pirate get his booty?

From yo mama, son!

Why don't pirates travel on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

Where is a pirate's favorite place to eat?

Arrrby's

Where do pirates buy their hook hands from?

From a second hand shop.

The Tale of Greenbeard the Pirate

Greenbeard got his name due his poor table manners and lack of proper beard hygiene, but let's not get into that just now - Greenbeard loved chocolate. He loved chocolate more than jewels. He loved chocolate more than diamonds. He even loved chocolate more than gold - and there isn't anything most p...

What do pirates and mathematicians have in common?

They both keep searching for 'x'

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

What do you call a left leaning pirate with scurvy?

A bleeding-gum liberal

The other day I saw a pirate with a steering wheel on his belt

When I asked him about it he said “Arrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts”

Why were pirates afraid of landing on the Barbary Coast?

They didn't want to run into any Barbarians

Why don't pirates have any pain killers?

Because their parrots eat'em all.

You should always be careful using the bathroom around a pirate....

They become irate whenever someone takes a pee.

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What's a pirate's favorite element?

Gold, duh. What the fuck is a pirate going to do with Argon?

How can you tell if a pirate is racist?

He uses a hard Arrrr!

Why do pirates have trouble with the alphabet?

They spend years lost at C.

What do you call a female Pirate with wooden legs?

Peggy

What is a pyromaniac pirate called by his dad?

Arrrrson

Did you hear about the pirate that one the boxing championship?

He took down all his challengers with one right hook

What's the pirates law for equitable retribution?

An Aye for an Aye

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.

The pirates’ leader, waving his gun, shouted: “the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!”

The official responded, calmly: “I will give you ...

What do you call a pirate's wife?

Land Ho!

I'll show myself out.

What's a pirate's favourite programming language?

R

What's an optometrist's favourite programming language?

C#

What's IKEA's favourite programming language?

Assembly

What's a herpetologist's favourite programming language?

Python

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

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A pirate walks into his local tavern after being away at sea.

The owner greets him and says “Good to see you, friend. Hey, you didn’t have a peg leg last time you were in here. What happened?”

The pirate replied, “I fell off the deck during an awful storm. A shark bit off my leg while I was in the water, so now I have this peg leg.”

The owner sa...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He felt like he needed some argh and argh

What do you call a pirate without his fake leg?

A one legged man without a peg to stand on

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

What kind of equipment did the the pirate's photographers use?

Cannons

A pirate’s pants

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”
To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I b...

A pirate started singing me a song. I didn’t really like it until he started swinging his arm around.

Then I was caught on the hook.

What do pirates do to unwind?

They have some arrr and arrr

I, for one, think it’d be hilarious if there were female pirates.

Wooden-tit?

What’s a pirates favorite letter?

In best pirate voice “me hart will always belong to the CCCCcccc!!!”

How much do pirates pay for corn?

A buccaneer.



Nah, just kidding... they just steal it.

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What kind of bird did the pirate get after his parrot bit his dick off?

A wood pecker.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

A pirate walks into a bar

With a steering wheel on his belt buckle.

Bartender: "Oi pirate! What's with the steery thingy on ye belt?"

Pirate: "Yarr it's driving me nuts!" "Also it's me cake day so please don't be swabbing me in the blue cheese for the bad jokes"

I made an attempt!

Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea?

Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.

I once got into a fist fight with a pirate...

He had mean right hook.

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

Why don't pirates ever take their kids to see movies?

Because they are all rated ARRRRR

For talk like a pirate day

There was a famous pirate captain who before a battle would turn to his ensign and say
“Fetch me me red shirt”
After the battle was won the ensign asked
“ Why the red shirt captain?”
“ If I get shot or wounded the shirt will hide the blood and the crew won’t be alarmed”
A month lat...

What did the pirate say on his birthday?

“Yarr, me parties!”

(I told this to my 8-month old and she burst into tears, so I know it’s good!)

How does a pirate set up a Bluetooth speaker?

Parrot with his phone

How do pirates express their creativity?

Arrrrrrrrrt.

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

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What did the pirate say when they were getting their ass eaten too aggressively?

Yarrgh, slow down you're swallowing me hole!

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buckin hat!

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

We’re writing to you because you’ve violated copyright ...

There once was a pirate named Bates

Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

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Where do pirates go to get high quality goods for almost no money at all?

You might think they’d go to Walmarrrrrt for their every day low prices.

Or maybe Tarrrrrrrget for the barrrrrrgains.

Or Ebayyyye to buy used goods from other mateys.

But they’re pirates.

They don’t go to the store to get things. They go to sea and fucking steal shit....

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

How does a pirate start his prayers?

Arrrr Father..

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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!



*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

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What does a Japanese pirate say?

Nothing, he's too busy frying the prane.

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The anthropology student and the pirate.

An anthropology student was interviewing a retired pirate.

The student said: You have a wooden leg, a hook in place of a hand, and a patch over what I assume is an empty eye socket! How did all this happen?

The pirate replied:

I lost the leg to a canon call

I lost the han...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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