Heist Jokes - 45 Hilarious Heist Jokes

There was a massive $20m gold heist at Toronto Pearson Airport this morning.

They’ll be doing a movie about it called oceans Eh-teen.

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

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Two men just got away with the largest Viagra heist in history.

Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

New Heist in GTA 5

Brought to you by Washington DC

I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

I recently got caught up in a heist at an Apple Store.

I guess you can call me an iWitness

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A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

What do you call a vegetable heist?

A farmed robbery

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I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

Shit went down real fast

Two birds decide to pull a bank heist

Well... One was a chicken.

The other was Robin.

Did you hear about the big German bakery heist of 1988?

Everything was stollen

$5 million solid gold toilet stolen in Blenheim Palace heist

Police have nothing to go on.

The greatest heist in the world

happened last week and we even enjoyed watching two people fight with their share.

An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so?

Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.

Why did the thief always paint his hands blue before doing a heist?

To make sure he was not caught red-handed

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.

"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.

"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling n...

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

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A pregnant woman with triplets is shot three times in the stomach during a back heist

She's rushed to hospital and had the triplets and miraculously they're born alive and well. 2 girls and a boy.

16 years later the first girl comes down the stairs one morning and exclaims, "MOM, MOM I had my period this morning and a bullet came out."

The mom consoles her daughter an...

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What do you call a heist pulled off by an airbender?

A blow job

What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

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My friend was the head architect for a Cocaine heist. He code named it

The Big Blow Job

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I had a rough upbringing and all I know is crime, my latest job was a Viagra heist at the local pharmacy.

I'm a hardened criminal

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

the blind and the moron

there was a chicken farm owned by a very cautious farmer. he was the richest man in town. one day, some man set out to find people to steal eggs for him from the farm but the only people he got were a blind man and a moron. so they planned out the heist. "every night" said the man, "the owner would ...

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?

Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.

Police 1: Really?

Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk

Police 1: is that everything?

Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun i...

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

[OC] What do you call a ghost robbing a bank?

A polter-heist

What do bank robbers eat for dessert?

Heist Cream

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

If you were to rob a vape shop,

Could you call it a juul heist?

Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.

He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"

The th...

Why didn't the security guard want to work at the rooftop bank?

Because he was scared of heists.

50 years ago, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway starred in "Bonnie and Clyde"

Tonight they got together to attempt one last heist

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

My buddy Sam is a thief.

My friend Sam wasn't always this way. You see, we grew up in the poor part of town, although his dad worked hard and provided, where mine was not around much and when he was my mom always yelled at him to find a permanent job. As a child I remember showing up to his house every day before school and...

A blind man walks into a sculpture store.

He'd been planning a heist targetting the jewellery store beside it. Fumbling around to gain his bearings, he eventually comes into contact with a statue of a woman, to which he finally exclaims, "Well, this is a bust!"

[Long] There was this thief...

His name was John. Now John was the best there was. He had pulled off many heists and gathered millionsnof dollars. Many of the crimes were known, but the police did not know they were linked, as he used a completely different method each time.

So one day John goes to perform his biggest heis...

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

Art thief at the Louvre

An art thief pulls off an impossible heist at the Louvre. He manages to steal a Monet, a Degas, and a Van Gogh. He makes it past security and out of the museum. However, he then cannot get his van to start. The police find him and arrest him. They ask him how he was able to pull of the crime but...

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

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