A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

When I get get home I’m ripping my wife’s panties off

They’re starting to chafe

Why are all glasses wearers able to rip paper with just one look?

They have tearable vision.

What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead?

An ambulance

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

RIP boiled water

You will be mist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

RIP

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if i say a word?".

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"

I ripped my drawing as it looked bad.

The guy I drew the tattoo for was horrified.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rip karen

I was working in a movie theatre in France, a customer started an argument with my manager, who was a highly functional alcoholic and did not give a fuck about pleasing Karens. She stupidly said ''customer is king" to which he replied "we' re in France, we decapitate Kings"

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You know the smallest things can get you fired, one time I got fired because I ripped up a crappy drawing I did

Boy am I never gonna be a tattoo artist again

Wanna get a Jesus bod? Ever wonder how the Lord got so ripped?

CrossFit

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

RiP Jerry Stiller

I hope you will find serenity, now.

3 old ladies

3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A flasher comes over and rips open his raincoat. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady couldn't reach it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

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RIP Grandpa

I'll never forget my grandpas' last words to me





"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

I don't get why people are ripping on Trump for not being tested for the coronavirus.

Let's be honest here, even that thing wouldn't voluntarily touch him.

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

If you're ever getting a circumcision don't go for the cheap option

It's usually a rip off

Have you heard of the latest Chinese car rip-off?

They're now producing the Toyota Corona

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

How do you torture a carpenter?

Rip out his nails

A man returns early from work to find a PlEaSaNt surprise.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as h...

A man walked into a bar...

he then had to go to the emergency room because the force trauma of the bar to his head caused a blood vessel to burst in his brain.

RIP jimmy.

RIP Kenny Rogers.

He knew when to walk away.

Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

[Long] A man is walking down the street

A man is walking down the street, at the first house he passes by, there's a painter painting the entire house pink, so the man asks "why are you painting the entire house pink?" The painter answers that there are new residents, namely two girls from r/Women and they like pink. They wish each other ...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

An American was arguing with a Russian on which of their governments were better...

The American made the case, “you know in the United States of America you can march into the White House, slam your fists on the president’s desk and say, Mr.President, I don’t like the way you are running this country.”

The Russian replied,”I can do that”.

The American in a bit of s...

Why are discount circumcisions a bad idea?

It’s usually a total rip-off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was crazy about 69 position...

But she haven't tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After the dinner she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 posi...

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I knew a guy who committed suicide by furiously masturbating until he ripped his dick from his body.

To be honest, I'm surprised he pulled it off.

A joke from an old timer at a dive bar

How did the female deer get back at her cheating husband?


She went downtown and blew a few bucks.

*I used to work next to a dive bar and would pop in there for a beer after my shift. One of the old timers was a guy named Doc and he told me this joke almost every day. He passed away...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite long joke - A man is having an affair with another guy's wife when the husband comes home early.

Wife : Hide in the closest and you'll be fine.

So the man throws on his clothes and jumps in the closet. Not long after he hears a little boy's voice in the closet with him.

Boy: It's dark in here.

Man: Yeah so? Just please keep it down.

Boy: I have baseball. Do you want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

The inventor of Velcro just died

RIP

What do you call a scary person who likes to rip things?

A tear-er

Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

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RIP

One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely, dear,” she said, “what’s the occasion?”
“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.
“Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”

The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wa...

Last night, my girlfriend dramatically ripped the blankets off me...

Don’t worry I’ll recover.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite joke :)

A guy driving a nice new Mercedes parks along the side of a road and opens the door but a car drives by at the same time and rips the door off the car before coming to a stop.

The Mercedes driver runs up to the car and starts yelling at the driver: ‘look at what you’ve done to my brand new M...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bear Exterminator

A man has a bear perched on the roof of his house. He has tried everything to get the bear off the house but nothing works. So finally he gives up and calls the bear exterminator.

The bear exterminator shows up in an old pickup with a huge cage in the back. After he surveys the situation he b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean and only three people survived.

Eventually, with the tide, they luckily got carried to shore on a deserted island. These three people, two men and a woman, were smart enough to gather everything they could to set up camp.

After three months of surviving and a long discussion with the other man, the first one went to the gi...

"In downtown Burbank today, it was so hot..."

*How hot was it?*

"I saw a fire hydrant flagging down a dog..."

RIP Johnny Carson

I wasn't born an American just to watch the country fade into hatred and anger.

I was born a wimp. Uh I mean a Canadian. (RIP Mitch, you'll always be missed)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

The devil ripped out my spine and ran away.

At least I know he'll always have my back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dinner at the girlfriends house

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When...

What does a frog do when it sees a bong?

Rip it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A car full of Irish nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

S...

It was my first time attending a beyblade tournament

"Let it rip" didn't mean what I think it meant

Do you know what the guy with no hands got for his birthday present?

No?

Yeah, no one else does either, he hasn't succeeded in ripping the paper off of them yet.

How to get ripped in 4 easy steps:

1. Stand on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. Hold a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this po...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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Fred and Charlie had been having a few beers at the bar together when suddenly they both had to take a piss.

Standing next to each other at the urinal, Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Charlie was very well endowed.

"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy,” remarked Fred.

"Wasn't always that way,” replied Charlie, “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got ripped off by a male prostitute

He never came

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana

I wanted a normal banana later. So I said yes


-mitch hedberg. Rip to a king..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

A female student was walking towards her locker when she noticed a post-it-note on the locker door.

She looked at it and it was the classic “why did the chicken cross the road?” joke. She didn’t really laugh as she heard it a million times, so she crumpled it up and threw it in the back of her locker.

The next day, another note was posted onto her locker and it read the *same* joke! She wa...

I learned the Mandalorian stays ripped by drinking his own brand of protein powder.

This Is The Whey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bus Driver and the Nun.

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how yo...

Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights...

One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!"

The other says, "Why's that?"

The first finishes, "Cause the elastic is killing me."

Why don’t bandaids shop online?

They don’t like getting ripped off.

If you see a flyer on a telephone poll, don't take one of the phome numbers off of it.

It's surely a rip-off.

Last Christmas morning, I was so excited I ran downstairs and ripped open my Christmas present.

Sad thing is, it was a kitten.

What does a frog do with a piece of paper?

Rip it!

6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. :)

My friend rip me this joke and I can’t stop laughing

Lawyer: my client is stuck in a penny

Judge: what

Lawyer: he is in a cent

Judge: he is in a cent?

Lawyer and client leave the courtroom doing the joker and spider man dance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Something stinks on my flight

I can't find it. I know I'm not the only one. Everybody around me has scrunched up faces. Someone hit the flight attendant button. The flight attendant notices quickly as well, and begins searching for the source. She starts ripping open the overhead storage bins, smelling each one cautiously. With ...

Ya'll seem to like puns, so:

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Tita...

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

[OC] What did the sock say to the ripped sock?

Socks to be you

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A man went to pick up his date...

A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor to complain that his voice is too squeaky

... he says ^^"Doctor, ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^very ^^squeaky ^^voice ^^and ^^my ^^wife ^^can't ^^stand ^^it"

The doctor responds: "Drop your pants"

The guy drops his pants and reveals a massive schlong.

The doctor says, "Aha! There's your problem! Your dick is so big that is pulling o...

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping

A husband and wife were grocery shopping. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife
"They're on sale, only 10 bucks for 24 cans"
"Put them back, we can't afford them" the wife responded.

Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face...

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.

He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"

The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night.”

The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

A man got in a bad accident and got his left arm and left leg ripped off. But don't worry about him.

He's all right now!

You know what they say about getting cheap circumcisions.

It'll be a rip-off.

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drover at the Pearly Gates

A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates asking to be let in.


"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.


"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.


"On a trip to the bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sorry your mother in law is dead

I'm sorry your mother in law is dead he says..how did it happen?

Well it was very unfortunate..she tried to stand up but got dizzy and caught the curtains and ripped them.

oh, thats how she died

no, from the thrust she hit the 65' inch tv and fell on the crystal table.

so...

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

I was depressed

People said exercise you will feel great.
I did.
Now I look RAD
Ripped and depressed

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

A fourth of my roof was ripped right off by a tornado!!

Oof

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Florida man had his penis ripped off by a prostitute after it had just been sewn back on after a surgery mishap.

The Chief of Police said this was redickless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

A cop is pulling over a car, that was way too fast.

He approaches the car on the drivers side, while the driver is cranking down the window. Next to the driver sits a passenger. A curious "fog" emerges from the vehicle.

Cop: "Do you have any idea, why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I don't have any idea."

Cop: "Seriously? Well you...

RIP Starbucks

The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming.

"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged.

"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling....

The high prices in the stores are like a cheap circumcision...

A rip-off

After a long day’s work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.

Things just went from Bad to Worse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hypnosis

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, St...

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.


"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pirate

A man walks into a pub down by the wharf and sits at the bar next to a man with an eyepatch, a hook on his right hand and a wooden leg. The man exclaims, " Wow you must be a pirate!" How did you lose your leg? The pirate looks over and says, "well lad it was my first day onboard me ship, I haven't q...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

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