President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

Bushwick Bill just passed away (RIP)

I heard the depth they'll bury him is "about six or seven feet"

RIP boiled water.

You will be mist.

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

A rip-roaring surprise!!

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I knew I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

What do you say when a gorilla rips you off?

Ask for your silverback.

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A man gets in a car accident that completely rips off his penis.

The doctor says, “Sir, we are going to have to rebuild your penis from scratch. Now, the way we do this operation is to charge you $1,000 for every inch in length. Your insurance company has given you $12,000, and that’s yours to keep, so maybe you want to use all of it, or maybe only 5 or even 4 th...

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work ]

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn...

RIP H2O...

You will be mist.

Saw this one in the bathroom of a school I'm taking classes at. I haven't seen it posted on here, it made me laugh.

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

My tombstone won’t say rip, it will say vip

Because there is a special place in hell for me

My trampoline died today

RIP

I used to rip it out of the fat kids.

Then I lost my job in liposuction.

Why shouldn’t you buy anything with velcro on it?

It's a total rip-off.

The inventor of Velcro died last week.

RIP

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RIP Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impress...

If you rip a hole in a net...

She'll die.

RIP Starbucks

The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming.

"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged.

"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling....

I was at a cafe when I had to fart. Thankfully there was loud music playing so I let it rip.

Turns out I was wearing ear buds.

What do you call someone who rips you off on the web?

A .con artist.

I'll see myself out.

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The Legendary Voodoo Dick

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence. After examining the products, he hadn't found an appr...

Why do we scroll down in r/jokes?

To check for ripostes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

So my boyfriend's kettle has boiled dry all the water inside and he said "RIP water..."

"You will be mist."

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

When I get home I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off

The elastic's killing me 😫

A Muslim guy's girlfriend was killed for eating pork

RIP Haram bae

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

Four Men are waiting outside the maternity ward...

The ward was extremely busy, so all the husbands were asked to wait in the waiting area. A short time later, the head nurse comes out, walks up to the first guy, and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s so weird!" answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
<...

On his 70th birthday, an old man received a coupon from his wife...

The coupon paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man hande...

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on...

Today I learnt a school of piranhas will rip

every inch of flesh of a child's body in under a minute.
Today I also lost my job at the aquarium.

I can't wait to get home and rip off my girlfriends panties,

they're really starting to chaffe my thighs.

RIP to all the vampires

who got fooled by the solar eclipse.

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