Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

How did captain hook die?

He used the wrong hand when wiping his ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trying to hook my friend up with a girl I know.

Not sure if this belongs here. But I tried to hook my friend up with a girl I knew from back home. Since we are in the military I figured he wouldnt have the pressure of meeting her , he could get to know her then arrange a trip or something. I am on face time with her saying he is the best thing si...

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

My wife bought a new bra, it's really hard to unhook.

I don't know why I put it on in the first place.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a real life pirate. He had a patch over his eye, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

I asked what happened to his leg. He told me he got shot with a cannon, and it took it clean off. I asked why he has a hook for a hand. He said that a shark bit it off while he was out at sea. I asked what happened to his eye. He told me a seagull pooped in his eye. I said "that can make you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A groupie was about to hook up with an NBA player, but she looked at his penis and screamed.

"Why does the tattoo on your dick say AIDS???"

"Give it a second," he said. "I'm sponsored by ADIDAS."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

What comes from unprotected casual hook-ups?

Netflix & chilldren

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girl hooks up with a black guy, doesn't know his name.

As he strips down, she notices his dick is tatooed, and says, "Oh, so your name is Wes?"

He says, no, I just love my country. In a second, it's gonna say, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable ...

Why does Captain Hook not have children ?

Because he once scratched his balls

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

New job

A young student looking for a job goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Very little."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see...

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An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper?

His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable.

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

I only hook up with girls who wont vaccinate their kids..

Because 6years of child support is better than 18

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

What was Captain Hook's cause of the death?

Itchy balls...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

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A pirate walked into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a...

What did the fish hook say to the fisherman?

Take me to your leader.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know what winds me up

it's not people that say ectcetera when they mean etcetera, tenderhooks instead of tenterhooks or even asterix instead of asterisk .

It's people who say the travelling community when they mean thieving pikey bastards

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

What disease did Captain Hook fear most?

Jock itch

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde hooks up with a guy at a bar having met earlier on Tinder.

Straight away, she starts flirting with him, subtly at first, but it quickly escalates.

"I don't usually get much response to my profile, why'd you pick me?" asks the guy.

"Well, in all honesty, I mostly use Tinder for sex", claims the blonde, "You're cute and I like what you wrote in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pirates were talking, the second one with a pegleg, a hook, and an eyepatch

Pirate 1: arrr, how ye get that peg leg

Pirate 2: arr, ye was thrown overboard 'n got attacked by a shark!

Pirate 1: aye, that is unfortunate. How ye get yer hook?

Pirate 2: got in a sword fight, me opponent was good, cut me hand clean off!

Pirate 1: arr, be happy ye stil...

My sound tech walked in to hook up my microphones

We got to talking and I let him know I have a few friends who are also sound techs.

“Really. Fascinating” with feigned excitement.

Yeah. One of them is German.

“Ok....”

I have a Czech one, too. A Czech one, too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a girl wants a satisfactory sex life, she should hook up with a nice guy...

They finish last.

Farmers Only is the dating website for farmers. What’s the hook-up site?

Timber

I asked Peter Pan how Captain Hook would vent his frustration.

"Beat Smee," he replied.

"Oh, sorry." I said. "I thought you'd know."

How does Captain Hook warm his Greek food?

Pita Pan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate joke

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"

"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were ...

I don't really understand Sandy Hook jokes...

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.


The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg....

It's always good to invest in grappling hooks

Their value is always going up

An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar

The bartender says:

”Whoa, that’s quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.”

The pirate explains:

”Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!”

The bartender asks:

”Wow, how about the hand?”

Pirate:

”’twas me old...

Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar

Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, ...

Why did Peter Pan know he could beat Captain Hook in poker?

Peter knew Captain Hook had lost at least one hand.

What's the difference between a hook and a hooker?

You can unscrew a hook, but you can't unscrew a hooker

What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor?

Dead Pan.

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s.

Worst prostate exam ever

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

My friend caught the biggest sea bass I have ever seen. You'll never going to believe what he used on the hook.

Click bait

Always hit women with a left hook...

...because they don't deserve any rights

I can't wait to hook my new bidet up to my Echo on wifi

It'll be nice to say "Alexa, give me a rim job" whenever I want

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

The kids at Sandy Hook wanted books

But instead, they got magazines

Only When you perfect the art of fishing and baiting hooks..

Will you become a Master Baiter

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

What do you call a fishing hook without barbs?

Debatable!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' ...

TIL: Captain Hook ran an entire pirate ship.

He did it single handedly too.

He was a bit out of breath afterwards though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman... [nsfw]

An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman the night before a game of golf with a big Japanese client.

The woman is screaming with passion a specific word in Japanese that the man could tell was a great thing. He decides to try it out at golf.

Each time the big client sinks the ba...

What's the worst part about baiting a fish hook really well?

Everyone knows you're a master baiter!

What did Wendy do when she first saw Captain Hook?

She Peedherpants

I think we can get Republicans on board with climate change initiatives if we just focus on consequences that mean something to them.

I've read that polar ice is melting causing polar bears to migrate south.  They've actually started sharing habitat with grizzly bears and are even interbreeding with them. Now if there's one thing Republicans hate more than science it's interracial marriage. So all we need to do is let them know th...

What do you call a little kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks how he got the peg leg.

"Well", says the pirate, "I fell into the sea and had to fight off a shark, but he ate me leg."

"What about the hook hand?" Pirate: "Me vessel got b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor and a nurse hook up for a random "one-time" affair in one of the hospitals many rooms...

...As they are getting ready to "do the deed" the nurse proceeds to scrub-down from fingertips to elbows. The doctor says to her "Hey, you must be an O.R. Nurse right?" To which the nurse replies "well, yes I am, what gave me away?" The doctor says "well, it was easy, you just scrubbed down before ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six just hasn't been the same since he returned from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces...

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem

The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour.

The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?"

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This was the first long joke I ever learned. Interview with a pirate.

There was a pirate who had agreed to do an interview with a local tv station. The reporter was very courteous and professional, giving a bit of background as to the pirate's business. She then began interviewing him.

"So Mr. Longbeard, are there any risks to your business? I see you have a pe...

A lady goes to the store to buy a hook

..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."

(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Dog Meeting

The dogs once held a meeting,
They came from near and far.
Some came by boats and planes,
Others came by car.

Before each dog could register
His name upon the book,
He had to take his asshole off
And hang it on a hook.

And as they sat there in a group,
Eac...

Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.

Hook hands and peg legs are iconic for them. And they seem to frequently be in the middle to high levels of management.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

An old Couple in a nursing home decide to hook-up, And go to a closet, to be discreet, The woman warns the gent,"I have Acute Angina" and the gent says..

"That's good 'cause your tit's are ugly as hell!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The best pickup line joke. Feel free to use the punchline in all your prospective hook ups.

Two guys are hanging out in a bar. One is trying to pick up women and being a smartass, the other is just a drunk.

The smartass goes up to a woman and uses his favorite pickup line. "Hey! Tickle you ass with a feather?"

The bar is loud and the woman, assuming she misheard, says "Excu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys and out fishing when one hooks a magic lamp.

He pulls it into the boat and rubs the lamp to read the writing on it. A genie pops out and says for freeing me from the lamp I will give you one wish. The fisherman told the genie to turn the lake into beer. Poof, it was done. The other fisherman yells at him, "you bastard, Now we have to piss in t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar, like he does every Saturday.

The bartender, unfamiliar with the pirate’s new look asks, “What happened to you? You look horrible!”

The pirate replies with “I got in a fight with another pirate crew and just barely made it out alive.”

B: “What happened to your hand?”

P: “The captain of the enemy crew chopped...