What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What does an emotionally detached mechanic do with a bar hook-up?

Nuts and bolts.

How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand.

What social media does Captain hook hate?

Tik-tok

What's it called when you're hooking up with a girl and you know she's not going to call you back after?

Ghostbusting

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite online trend?

TikTok

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Hooked up with a GILF

We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert button

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

Why couldn't MC Hammer's team of lawyers get him off the hook?

The charges were too legit to acquit.

I was hooking up with a girl when I asked to do Disney themed role-play

She agreed, so I gave her a blue fairy costume and I got into my most comfortable lederhosen

After a bit of foreplay, I undressed and asked her to grant my wish of being a real man

Looking down at me she said “Your wish may be granted because I can see quite plainly that you’ve been te...

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media?

Tick tock.

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

I was waiting in line and this guy knocked me out cold with a right hook. When I came to it, he told me:

This is the punch line.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

I finally hooked up with the girl who said, “You’re like a brother to me”.

I said, “Well, if you incest”.

If you are a really excellent fisherman and you do it all the time they call you a master fisherman…

But, what if you are only really good at baiting the hook?

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

Did you hear about the pirate that one the boxing championship?

He took down all his challengers with one right hook

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An Airplane flying over the Amazon Rainforest crashes in a remote part:

Soon, the local tribals reach the crash site and upon seeing the 3 survivors, take them to their King in captivity.

When presented in front of the king, he says "People of the sky! If you want to live you have to do as I say. Each of you have to go out in the jungle and forrage for fruits and...

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Why can't prospecters hook up on Reddit?

>!Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving miners.!<

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Lionel Messi hooks up with a girl at the bar..

They both get naked

Girl: \*Runs away\* and shouts OMG your penis says AIDS

Messi: Come closer and read it again(now fully erect) its ADIDAS

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

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A Deer, trying to hook up its Deer friend with a prostitute Deer, is found negotiating very hard with a Pimp Deer on price.

When asked why, it simply says:

I’m just trying to get a bang for my buck.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

What do you call it when two potatoes hook-up

Mashing

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Hook and wood

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."
<...

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The man hooking up with a lady warned her at the bar, "You should know I have a baby-sized Penis"

The lady says that's just fine and size doesn't matter.

They get to his apartment and he pulls down his pants, showing off an absolutely massive penis unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" she shrieks in terror.

"I told you I had a baby-sized Penis...

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

Why did pirates stop using hooks?

Too many of them died scratching their balls

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

Not Earth!

God was looking for a place to take a vacation.

An angel suggested, "How about Earth?"

God said; "Are you kidding? I hooked up with a Jewish girl there 2000 years ago, and they STILL haven't stopped talking about it!"

The Captain's Drink

Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar.
Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"
Hook yells, "Shove it up yer sta...

I hooked my blind friend up with a guy in a Pennywise mask as a prank

They hit it off last night.
She totally didn't see IT coming.

Captain Hook: arrrg I miss Vine. twas me fav'rite app

Smee: but capn! there's a new app! it aint exactly the same, but tis very similar!

Captain Hook: what's it called?

Smee: Umm

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

My friend told me I could fish better if I took the worm off the hook.

That was debaitable.

A guy and girl go back to her place to hook up. As he goes to drop his pants, he tells her, "I just wanna let you know I'm hung like a baby...". To which she starts to quickly reply, "It's ok, I've been with someone sma....", and she stops abruptly as he drops his pants.

"What the hell?!", she said.

He said, "I tried to tell you, I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs, 19 inches!"

How does Captain Hook blow off steam?

Beats Smee

Why do pirates often have an eyepatch, a hook or wooden leg?

They can afford healthcare.

A pirate started singing me a song. I didn’t really like it until he started swinging his arm around.

Then I was caught on the hook.

I feel sad that Captain Hook never made it to Admiral

I guess it didn’t Pan out for him.

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A pirate walks into his local tavern after being away at sea.

The owner greets him and says “Good to see you, friend. Hey, you didn’t have a peg leg last time you were in here. What happened?”

The pirate replied, “I fell off the deck during an awful storm. A shark bit off my leg while I was in the water, so now I have this peg leg.”

The owner sa...

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

When I was a young man, I almost hooked up with an Eskimo girl once...

Turns out, she wasn’t really Inuit

What do you call a wifeless fisherman who can worm a hook in two seconds flat?

A master-baiter

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

I once got into a fist fight with a pirate...

He had mean right hook.

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A pirate walks into a bar, with a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch...

The Bartender looks at him and says " My god man, what happened to you?"

The pirate replies, " Well I'm a pirate. One day I did something wrong and they made me walk the plank. Before I could get out, a shark bit my leg off. Now I have to have a wooden leg."

Bartender asks, "what about...

Hook, line and sinker...

She was never seen again.

I went to see Dr Hook in the 70’s

The worst prostate exam ever

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One day a kid walked down to the boat dock

There he met a pirate with an eyepatch, a hook hand, and a peg leg.

Kid: Hey mister pirate! How'd ya get that peg leg?

Pirate: Aye, a cannonball blew it off with a bang

Kid: How'd ya get that hook hand?

Pirate: A shark bit it clean off

Kid: How'd ya get that eye pa...

Last night I hooked up with a girl I met at a club. She seemed nervous about going back to my place, so I told her a few jokes to help her relax.

I lolled her into a false sense of security.

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

Man goes into a hardware store for hooks.

He tells the kid working there his wife wants a dozen little gold hooks to hang jewelry. The kid looks and comes back saying, we don't have gold ones but we do have silver ones, they'll work just as good.
To which the man looks at the kid and says, "you aren't married are you?"

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

What’s it called when you hook up with a set of twins?

A doppelbänger

I've hooked up with a Geiger Girl.

We just clicked.

Potassium and Oxygen hooked up

It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.

Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group.

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So I met a girl at a bar and we ended up hooking up......

We were going at it hot and heavy and soon the pants came off. One look at her woman parts and I just couldn't stop myself. I blurted out "Damn you've got a huge pussy! Damn you've got a huge pussy!"

Shocked, she responded "Yeah, I have heard that, but you didn't have to say it twice."
...

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

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The anthropology student and the pirate.

An anthropology student was interviewing a retired pirate.

The student said: You have a wooden leg, a hook in place of a hand, and a patch over what I assume is an empty eye socket! How did all this happen?

The pirate replied:

I lost the leg to a canon call

I lost the han...

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Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

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"Alright guys, we have lots of pictures to mount before the art gallery tonight. Like I said in the email, we'll have to use these adhesive hooks. Under no circumstances will you penetrate the wall with nails or screws. Tim, I've noticed you've already hung one picture. Great job.

Tim (hiding his drill and muttering under his breath): welp.. I screwed that up.

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

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I saw a man hooking up with his car's tailpipe when I was camping last Saturday.

I can imagine it would be fucking exhausting.

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

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The Golf Fairy

A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.

Then a fairy appeared. She said “Thank you for moving your ball o...

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New Guy from Texas [Read till the end]

A middle-aged man from Texas moves to Australia and decides to get a temporary gig until his job placement is fixed. Luckily, not far from his residence there is one of those "one stop shop" stores, and he gets to be the cashier / salesman.

After the first day the boss came down to see how th...

I was hooked on auctions after only going once ...

...going twice…

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

A couple hooked up to the Joy of painting.....

9 months later they had a happy little accident

Why do Pirates always win boxing matches?

They have a killer hook.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

Did you hear about the student that hooked up with his math teacher?

She really expanded his natural log.

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[NSFW] A young couple is hooking up.

They decide to go to her place. Then they started kissing and making out. Then they pull off one piece of cloth after the another until the young man stops.

Him: "I must confess sonething!"

Her: "What is it?"

Him: "I have a penis like an infant."

Her: "Oh dear! Size does...

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

I just can't pronounce `Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn`, but I'm trying to do better -

I just signed up for an online course called `Hooked on Cthonics`

Where do pirates get their hooks?

Nowhere in particular, but mostly secondhand.

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Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

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Of Ted

Me, Ted and the rest of the homies would meet every week no matter what and game at each other's house.

However as the weeks passed by, Ted became less excited about these sessions. It turned out that he had gotten himself hooked to smoking. It got so bad to the point whereby he even made ex...

I hooked up with a very promiscuous native American.

I think I now understand why they call him "fire snake"

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up last night?

OMg!

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A pirate walks into a bar...

And takes a seat beside three medical students.

The students notice that the pirate has a hook in place of right hand, a wooden peg in place of his left leg and an eye patch over his right eye.

Curious they edge closer to the pirate, order some rum for him and ask him a few questions...

What does a librarian take fishing?

A good hook!


(Evidently the correct answer is book worm but I liked my answer better!)

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I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

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Doctor's office

A young guy goes to the doctor. He says “doctor, I have this terrible problem with flatulence. I fart uncontrollably and they always smell incredibly bad. You have got to help me”.

So the doctor says “pull down your trousers and underpants, hop on the bed and let me have a look”.

So...

Thor was bored with life on Asgard and one day decided travel to earth to entertain himself.

Whilst here he happened upon a beautiful maiden and the pair hooked up that evening and made love all night, with Thor slipping out in the early hours.

Back in Asgard Thor felt bad for the fair lady about slipping away never too be seen again and thought he at least owed it to her to explain...

Always hit women with a left hook...

...because they don't deserve any rights

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

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