This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't prospecters hook up on Reddit?

>!Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving miners.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Deer, trying to hook up its Deer friend with a prostitute Deer, is found negotiating very hard with a Pimp Deer on price.

When asked why, it simply says:

I’m just trying to get a bang for my buck.

My ex used to tell me that she didn’t want to come over and hook up cause she was too busy getting “F’d by Life.”

Just found out today her horse’s name is Life.

Why did captain Hook crossed the road?

To get to the second hand store

A powerplant worker has a hook and rod submerged into a reactor. Coworker passes by:

How’s the fission, John?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lionel Messi hooks up with a girl at the bar..

They both get naked

Girl: \*Runs away\* and shouts OMG your penis says AIDS

Messi: Come closer and read it again(now fully erect) its ADIDAS

I finally hooked up with the girl who said, “You’re like a brother to me”.

I said, “Well, if you incest”.

What do you call it when two potatoes hook-up

Mashing

I hooked my blind friend up with a guy in a Pennywise mask as a prank

They hit it off last night.
She totally didn't see IT coming.

Why did pirates stop using hooks?

Too many of them died scratching their balls

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hook and wood

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.

The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50%, and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, no...

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite social media site?

TikTok!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man hooking up with a lady warned her at the bar, "You should know I have a baby-sized Penis"

The lady says that's just fine and size doesn't matter.

They get to his apartment and he pulls down his pants, showing off an absolutely massive penis unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" she shrieks in terror.

"I told you I had a baby-sized Penis...

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew.

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew. He goes to the Captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas sinc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

A pirate at sea has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.

One of his companions ask how he lost his leg. He answers, "A cannonball." Then his companion asks how he lost his hand. He answers, "A sword." When the companion asks how he lost his eye, the man says, "A spray of the sea."

It was his first day with the hook.

My friend told me I could fish better if I took the worm off the hook.

That was debaitable.

How does Captain Hook blow off steam?

Beats Smee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

I went to see Dr Hook in the 70’s

The worst prostate exam ever

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saturday morning I got up early, [long]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch. grabbed the dog. slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled...

A guy and girl go back to her place to hook up. As he goes to drop his pants, he tells her, "I just wanna let you know I'm hung like a baby...". To which she starts to quickly reply, "It's ok, I've been with someone sma....", and she stops abruptly as he drops his pants.

"What the hell?!", she said.

He said, "I tried to tell you, I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs, 19 inches!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was going ice fishing.

He goes out onto the ice, cuts open a hold, and lowers his bait into the hole. 45 minutes pass, and the man has not gotten a nibble. A younger man walks out onto the ice, drills a hole right next to him, lowers his bait, and within a few minutes has hooked a largemouth bass.

The first man is...

When I was a young man, I almost hooked up with an Eskimo girl once...

Turns out, she wasn’t really Inuit

Why do pirates often have an eyepatch, a hook or wooden leg?

They can afford healthcare.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

What do you call a wifeless fisherman who can worm a hook in two seconds flat?

A master-baiter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police tricked an anal rapist into confessing.

They caught him hook, line, and sphincter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.


He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice next to him...

Last night I hooked up with a girl I met at a club. She seemed nervous about going back to my place, so I told her a few jokes to help her relax.

I lolled her into a false sense of security.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left, "I fucking missed again!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar, with a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch...

The Bartender looks at him and says " My god man, what happened to you?"

The pirate replies, " Well I'm a pirate. One day I did something wrong and they made me walk the plank. Before I could get out, a shark bit my leg off. Now I have to have a wooden leg."

Bartender asks, "what about...

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

I feel sad that Captain Hook never made it to Admiral

I guess it didn’t Pan out for him.

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

I've hooked up with a Geiger Girl.

We just clicked.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

Potassium and Oxygen hooked up

It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.

Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group.

The first time I sniffed airplane glue I OD’d...

When I came to a man asked me, “Are you hooked?”

I said, “No, I’m stuck.”

Man goes into a hardware store for hooks.

He tells the kid working there his wife wants a dozen little gold hooks to hang jewelry. The kid looks and comes back saying, we don't have gold ones but we do have silver ones, they'll work just as good.
To which the man looks at the kid and says, "you aren't married are you?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

What’s it called when you hook up with a set of twins?

A doppelbänger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

God wants to go on vacation

So he asks his angels for suggestions. Venus? asks one, god says no too hot. Another says Mars; no too cold. What about earth? Earth! No way, god says. 2000 years ago I hooked up with some girl there and they’re still talking about it!

Definition

DEBATE — What goes on de hook to catch de fish.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a real life pirate. He had a patch over his eye, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

I asked what happened to his leg. He told me he got shot with a cannon, and it took it clean off. I asked why he has a hook for a hand. He said that a shark bit it off while he was out at sea. I asked what happened to his eye. He told me a seagull pooped in his eye. I said "that can make you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

A couple hooked up to the Joy of painting.....

9 months later they had a happy little accident

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I met a girl at a bar and we ended up hooking up......

We were going at it hot and heavy and soon the pants came off. One look at her woman parts and I just couldn't stop myself. I blurted out "Damn you've got a huge pussy! Damn you've got a huge pussy!"

Shocked, she responded "Yeah, I have heard that, but you didn't have to say it twice."
...

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A young couple is hooking up.

They decide to go to her place. Then they started kissing and making out. Then they pull off one piece of cloth after the another until the young man stops.

Him: "I must confess sonething!"

Her: "What is it?"

Him: "I have a penis like an infant."

Her: "Oh dear! Size does...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Dental Appt.

>A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot."No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
>
>The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The confession

A man went to his church for confession and he entered the confessional.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What is it my son? Did you commit adultery?”

“No Father I swore.”

“Very well begin your story”

“Well I was out at the Emerald Golf course and I was on h...

Where do pirates get their hooks?

Nowhere in particular, but mostly secondhand.

A man is walking down the road

One day and notices someone putting a bag filled with meat on the hook of a very tall crane.

The man in question asks him and says "why are you putting that up there?" In a clearly bewildered fashion.

He replies and says "my boss is making me do it, I think it pointless but he says the...

Dad's Shortcut

Dad used to tell us about the time he took a short cut home on Halloween. He grew up on a farm in western New York state, and at the time Halloween meant going out with his friend, Tommy, to do pranks. They had been out pranking drivers by tying a couple tin cans to the two ends of a long string, ...

Why did the Christmas ornament go to rehab?

Because he was hooked on trees.

I hooked up with a very promiscuous native American.

I think I now understand why they call him "fire snake"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

Did you hear about the student that hooked up with his math teacher?

She really expanded his natural log.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

Jimmy gets off work and heads to his local brothel.

When he arrives he says to the clerk, I can only spare a few dollars what can this get me? So the clerk reaches all the way to the top hook and hands him a key and says down the hall, last door on the left.

When Jimmy gets in the room its pretty dark but he manages to make his way over to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar (long)

The bartender says, "Jeez matey, you look terrible."

The pirate replied, "Yar, what do ya mean?"

"Well for one thing, you have a peg leg. What happened to your leg? " Says the bar tender.

"Well me and the crew were sailing out to see and the ship was attacked by a Kraken. The mi...

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman rushes to her gynaecologist in a total panic.

“Doctor, doctor! I made a horrible mistake, I hooked up with a guy i met at a bar and now I’m worried! Is it true you can get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Of course you can my dear, where do you think lawyers come from.”

There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts,

and it should be called "Off the Hook".

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up last night?

OMg!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

I went to the doctor the other day because I was having bad gas.

It wasn't bothering me because I'm Anosmic (no sense of smell), but my wife and kids were complaining.

By the time doctor came into the examination room, I had passed gas at least four times. They felt like smelly farts, but I couldn't really tell.

I told the doctor about my problem, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once ...

...going twice…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My British coworker

My British coworker is new to America, and he delights in telling me and my other coworkers about all things British. Today he was trying to explain Cockney rhyming slang - things like saying "have a butcher's" instead of "have a look", because "butcher's hook" rhymes with "look"; or "a cup of Ro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fishing Trip

Two guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says.

The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

The first guy...

What’s the worst part about hooking up with an italian girl.

She’s never impressed with your meat/balls.

What was Captain Hook's cause of the death?

Itchy balls...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl hooks up with a black guy, doesn't know his name.

As he strips down, she notices his dick is tatooed, and says, "Oh, so your name is Wes?"

He says, no, I just love my country. In a second, it's gonna say, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

What comes from unprotected casual hook-ups?

Netflix & chilldren

What does a formal argument and a worm on a hook have in common?

De bate.

I fell in love with a pirate once

But in the end it just turned out to be a hook-up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hockey player gets sent to jail for soliciting a prostitute

I guess you could say he was sent to the Penalty Box for hooking

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.