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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What's captain hook's least favorite app?

Tiktok

My friend told me I could fish better if I took the worm off the hook.

That was debaitable.

One day Medusa decided to invite Spiderman to hook up.

Unfortunately he was too peterified to come

Where do pirates get their hooks?

The second hand store.

How does Captain Hook blow off steam?

Beats Smee

Hook, line and sinker...

She was never seen again.

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How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped his ass with the wrong hand!

Why do pirates often have an eyepatch, a hook or wooden leg?

They can afford healthcare.

A guy and girl go back to her place to hook up. As he goes to drop his pants, he tells her, "I just wanna let you know I'm hung like a baby...". To which she starts to quickly reply, "It's ok, I've been with someone sma....", and she stops abruptly as he drops his pants.

"What the hell?!", she said.

He said, "I tried to tell you, I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs, 19 inches!"

Last night I hooked up with a girl I met at a club. She seemed nervous about going back to my place, so I told her a few jokes to help her relax.

I lolled her into a false sense of security.

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

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I saw a man hooking up with his car's tailpipe when I was camping last Saturday.

I can imagine it would be fucking exhausting.

‌‌The b‌‌eautiful s‌‌ecretary o‌‌f a‌‌ b‌‌ank p‌‌resident w‌‌as a‌‌sked t‌‌o s‌‌quire a‌‌round t‌‌he k‌‌ing o‌‌f a‌‌ w‌‌ealthy A‌‌frican k‌‌ingdom, o‌‌ne o‌‌f t‌‌he b‌‌ank's m‌‌ost i‌‌mportant c‌‌lients.

After a‌‌ d‌‌ay s‌‌hopping and‌‌ s‌‌ightseeing, t‌‌he k‌‌ing w‌‌as u‌‌tterly b‌‌esotted w‌‌ith t‌‌he l‌‌ady, a‌‌nd a‌‌sked f‌‌or h‌‌er h‌‌and i‌‌n m‌‌arriage. T‌‌he p‌‌roposal t‌‌ook t‌‌he s‌‌ecretary b‌‌y s‌‌urprise a‌‌nd s‌‌he w‌‌as t‌‌hinking o‌‌f h‌‌ow t‌‌o t‌‌urn h‌‌im d‌‌own p‌‌olitely w‌‌itho...

I feel sad that Captain Hook never made it to Admiral

I guess it didn’t Pan out for him.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

The Second-Hand Store.

How does a hooker make a living?

Incum.

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

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A pirate walks into a bar, with a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch...

The Bartender looks at him and says " My god man, what happened to you?"

The pirate replies, " Well I'm a pirate. One day I did something wrong and they made me walk the plank. Before I could get out, a shark bit my leg off. Now I have to have a wooden leg."

Bartender asks, "what about...

I've hooked up with a Geiger Girl.

We just clicked.

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The pirate

A man walks into a pub down by the wharf and sits at the bar next to a man with an eyepatch, a hook on his right hand and a wooden leg. The man exclaims, " Wow you must be a pirate!" How did you lose your leg? The pirate looks over and says, "well lad it was my first day onboard me ship, I haven't q...

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

Potassium and Oxygen hooked up

It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.

Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group.

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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience ?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on t...

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

What’s it called when you hook up with a set of twins?

A doppelbänger

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the d...

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Unfortunate pirate

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer han...

A couple hooked up to the Joy of painting.....

9 months later they had a happy little accident

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

Man goes into a hardware store for hooks.

He tells the kid working there his wife wants a dozen little gold hooks to hang jewelry. The kid looks and comes back saying, we don't have gold ones but we do have silver ones, they'll work just as good.
To which the man looks at the kid and says, "you aren't married are you?"

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Thought you'd like to know.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on a few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog o...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

Why didn’t the cop let the fish get off the hook?

Because it got caught with seaweed

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

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[NSFW] A young couple is hooking up.

They decide to go to her place. Then they started kissing and making out. Then they pull off one piece of cloth after the another until the young man stops.

Him: "I must confess sonething!"

Her: "What is it?"

Him: "I have a penis like an infant."

Her: "Oh dear! Size does...

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

My mom said she'd beat me if I ever went back to hook-up with my ex.

Out of spite, I went back to hook-up with my ex anyway, but alas -- she really had beaten me to it.

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Another 'Walk into the Bar' joke.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine." The bartender asks about his wooden leg. "You didn't have that before?" The pirate says, "Well, we were in a battle and I go...

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A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

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A man and a priest go fishing

A man and a priest are out fishing on a boat when the man hooks a large fish. After fighting this fish for several minutes, he pulls it into the boat and joyously exclaims, "Look at that son-of-a-bitch!!!"

The priest replies, "My goodness, what language."

The man thinks quickly, "Ha ha...

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So I met a girl at a bar and we ended up hooking up......

We were going at it hot and heavy and soon the pants came off. One look at her woman parts and I just couldn't stop myself. I blurted out "Damn you've got a huge pussy! Damn you've got a huge pussy!"

Shocked, she responded "Yeah, I have heard that, but you didn't have to say it twice."
...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captain's crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

I went to see dr hook in the 70’s

Worst prostate exam ever

A fishing day

Once upon a time, a guy went to the river in order to enjoy nature and to do some fishing. When he was there he found out that he had forget the baits so he took a paper and wrote " lure " on it ,he put it on the hook and he had a sit waiting for a prey. After a while, he felt a move from the thread...

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This man walks to the pet store to buy a parrot.

The guy at the store says, "I only have one parrot, and he talks and all, but he has no legs."

"No legs!" says the man. "How does he hold up on the perch?"

"It's actually quite ingenious: he hooks his dick around the base of it."

The man is quite impressed and he takes the legle...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

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A young boy applied for a job at a store...

The store manager said: “We are looking for somebody with sales experience but we’re having a holiday sale tomorrow and you can give it a try.”

At the end of the day the manager checked the day sales and was shocked, the boy had sold $79,083.25 worth of merchandise.

He asked the boy ho...

I hooked up with a very promiscuous native American.

I think I now understand why they call him "fire snake"

Where do pirates get their hooks?

Nowhere in particular, but mostly secondhand.

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

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The frustrated parents of an acting-out adolescent go to a developmental therapist for advice on how to handle their kid.

"We don't get it, doc," the father begins, "A couple of months ago, she just stopped talking to us."

"Completely locked us out of everything," the mother continues, "We didn't change anything or do anything different, but it's like a switch was flipped, or something."

The therapist, st...

Did you hear about the student that hooked up with his math teacher?

She really expanded his natural log.

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Pirate

So a pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says “how are you doing pirate? haven’t seen you in a long time“
The pirate says “doing great, just came back from a very successful series of raids”
The bartender says “really!? You look terrible. What happened to your leg?“
The pirate says ...

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A groupie was about to hook up with an NBA player, but she looked at his penis and screamed.

"Why does the tattoo on your dick say AIDS???"

"Give it a second," he said. "I'm sponsored by ADIDAS."

Simple solution to the coronavirus test shortage:

Hook people up to lie detectors and ask them if they have the virus

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A woman from the Women's Institutes goes to her Doctor...

A woman from the Women's Institute goes to her Doctor with an embarrasing problem, every time she delivers a speech to the women of the WI she farts constantly all the way through.

The Doctor says, "I would like you to demonstrate your problem for me by reading aloud your latest speech to me ...

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

I recently attended a catch and release fishing party...

...the music was ok, but the food was off the hook.

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

What comes from unprotected casual hook-ups?

Netflix & chilldren

I recently started watching pirate based movies and documentaries.

Now I’m hooked.

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

A man said he was going to go out by hooking a hose to an exhaust and put it in his car while sealed in his garage.

Saw him the next day looking defeated, he said he forgot he owned a hybrid

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up last night?

OMg!

It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.

He asked the Pirate Captain.

“Why do you have a wooden leg?”

The Pirate Captain replied.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”.

The boy then asked.

“Why do you have a hook for a hand?”
...

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I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

What’s the worst part about hooking up with an italian girl.

She’s never impressed with your meat/balls.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

What does a formal argument and a worm on a hook have in common?

De bate.

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Girl hooks up with a black guy, doesn't know his name.

As he strips down, she notices his dick is tatooed, and says, "Oh, so your name is Wes?"

He says, no, I just love my country. In a second, it's gonna say, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable ...

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

The very first time I went fishing, I was instantly hooked!

The second time I went fishing, I was much more careful casting.

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An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

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I hooked up with a girl....

I hooked up with a girl. She said she wanted me to give her 8 inches and make her bleed!

So I fucked her twice and punched her in the nose

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

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Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

What was Captain Hook's cause of the death?

Itchy balls...

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Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

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A sailor meets a pirate in a bar.

They take turns boasting about their great conquests and adventures on the ocean. The sailor is curious about the pirate's peg leg, hook, and eyepatch.

"How did you end up with a peg-leg?" he asks.

"We were in a storm and I was swept overboard. I started climbing back onto the ship, bu...

I was hooked on auctions after only going once ...

...going twice…

Why does Captain Hook not have children ?

Because he once scratched his balls

So I hooked up with this girl at a party

But I forgot it was a family reunion

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as an egg and hooked up with a guy dressed as a chicken.

The classic debate was finally resolved that night. It was the chicken.

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

How do you teach an American an Irish accent

Say the following words:

Whale.

Oil.

Beef.

Hooked.

One more time. . .

Now say them all together fast.

(Heard on NPR yesterday)

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

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One day a City Slicker walks into an old tavern by the sea

He sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch! He decided she has to meet this pirate, and sits down next to him and orders him a beer asking him, “Hello Mr. Pirate sir, if it’s not too much trouble would please tell me how you lost your leg?”

The pirate responds, “Well ...

I once went to a costume party dressed as an chicken and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg. We answered a age old question that night.

The chicken came first but the egg does anal

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A pirate joke

So two pirates are working on a pirate ship, one of them is an older pirate and one of them is a new pirate. So they're going along working and the younger pirate turns to the older pirate and says, "hey I see you got a peg leg there, how'd you get that?" The older pirate turns to him and says, "arg...

Playing a childhood video game to relive old memories is like hooking up with your EX...

Seems fun at first, but then you remember why you stopped in the first place.

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The Pirate

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin ...

What disease did Captain Hook fear most?

Jock itch

In 1972, American singer/songwriter, Bill Withers, originally wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan. In the musical, Hook has become very discouraged by his lack of success in defeating Peter and the Lost Boys, so his right hand man sings to him and offers a shoulder to hold on to...

Lean on Smee.

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