How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What comes from unprotected casual hook-ups?

Netflix & chilldren

What does a formal argument and a worm on a hook have in common?

De bate.

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

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I met a real life pirate. He had a patch over his eye, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

I asked what happened to his leg. He told me he got shot with a cannon, and it took it clean off. I asked why he has a hook for a hand. He said that a shark bit it off while he was out at sea. I asked what happened to his eye. He told me a seagull pooped in his eye. I said "that can make you ...

My wife bought a new bra, it's really hard to unhook.

I don't know why I put it on in the first place.

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I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

I only hook up with girls who wont vaccinate their kids..

Because 6years of child support is better than 18

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Girl hooks up with a black guy, doesn't know his name.

As he strips down, she notices his dick is tatooed, and says, "Oh, so your name is Wes?"

He says, no, I just love my country. In a second, it's gonna say, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable ...

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

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A groupie was about to hook up with an NBA player, but she looked at his penis and screamed.

"Why does the tattoo on your dick say AIDS???"

"Give it a second," he said. "I'm sponsored by ADIDAS."

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

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An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

New job

A young student looking for a job goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Very little."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see...

Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper?

His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable.

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

What was Captain Hook's cause of the death?

Itchy balls...

Why does Captain Hook not have children ?

Because he once scratched his balls

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

In 1972, American singer/songwriter, Bill Withers, originally wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan. In the musical, Hook has become very discouraged by his lack of success in defeating Peter and the Lost Boys, so his right hand man sings to him and offers a shoulder to hold on to...

Lean on Smee.

What did the fish hook say to the fisherman?

Take me to your leader.

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Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

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A pirate walked into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a...

What does Captain Hook do when he is bored?

Beats Smee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know what winds me up

it's not people that say ectcetera when they mean etcetera, tenderhooks instead of tenterhooks or even asterix instead of asterisk .

It's people who say the travelling community when they mean thieving pikey bastards

What disease did Captain Hook fear most?

Jock itch

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde hooks up with a guy at a bar having met earlier on Tinder.

Straight away, she starts flirting with him, subtly at first, but it quickly escalates.

"I don't usually get much response to my profile, why'd you pick me?" asks the guy.

"Well, in all honesty, I mostly use Tinder for sex", claims the blonde, "You're cute and I like what you wrote in...

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Two pirates were talking, the second one with a pegleg, a hook, and an eyepatch

Pirate 1: arrr, how ye get that peg leg

Pirate 2: arr, ye was thrown overboard 'n got attacked by a shark!

Pirate 1: aye, that is unfortunate. How ye get yer hook?

Pirate 2: got in a sword fight, me opponent was good, cut me hand clean off!

Pirate 1: arr, be happy ye stil...

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If a girl wants a satisfactory sex life, she should hook up with a nice guy...

They finish last.

My sound tech walked in to hook up my microphones

We got to talking and I let him know I have a few friends who are also sound techs.

“Really. Fascinating” with feigned excitement.

Yeah. One of them is German.

“Ok....”

I have a Czech one, too. A Czech one, too.

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Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

Farmers Only is the dating website for farmers. What’s the hook-up site?

Timber

I asked Peter Pan how Captain Hook would vent his frustration.

"Beat Smee," he replied.

"Oh, sorry." I said. "I thought you'd know."

Where did the pirate get his hook?

From a second hand store.

How does Captain Hook warm his Greek food?

Pita Pan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate joke

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"

"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were ...

I don't really understand Sandy Hook jokes...

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar

The bartender says:

”Whoa, that’s quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.”

The pirate explains:

”Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!”

The bartender asks:

”Wow, how about the hand?”

Pirate:

”’twas me old...

It's always good to invest in grappling hooks

Their value is always going up

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.


The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg....

Why did Peter Pan know he could beat Captain Hook in poker?

Peter knew Captain Hook had lost at least one hand.

Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar

Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, ...

What's the difference between a hook and a hooker?

You can unscrew a hook, but you can't unscrew a hooker

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s.

Worst prostate exam ever

I can't wait to hook my new bidet up to my Echo on wifi

It'll be nice to say "Alexa, give me a rim job" whenever I want

What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor?

Dead Pan.

My friend caught the biggest sea bass I have ever seen. You'll never going to believe what he used on the hook.

Click bait

Always hit women with a left hook...

...because they don't deserve any rights

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

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So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

The kids at Sandy Hook wanted books

But instead, they got magazines

Only When you perfect the art of fishing and baiting hooks..

Will you become a Master Baiter

What do you call a fishing hook without barbs?

Debatable!

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' ...

TIL: Captain Hook ran an entire pirate ship.

He did it single handedly too.

He was a bit out of breath afterwards though.

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An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman... [nsfw]

An American man hooks up with a Japanese woman the night before a game of golf with a big Japanese client.

The woman is screaming with passion a specific word in Japanese that the man could tell was a great thing. He decides to try it out at golf.

Each time the big client sinks the ba...

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Jokes are easy! All it takes is a little setup to lure them in, then you hit em with a...

Left hook. Fuck you, Steve.

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A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

I think we can get Republicans on board with climate change initiatives if we just focus on consequences that mean something to them.

I've read that polar ice is melting causing polar bears to migrate south.  They've actually started sharing habitat with grizzly bears and are even interbreeding with them. Now if there's one thing Republicans hate more than science it's interracial marriage. So all we need to do is let them know th...

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What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

What did Wendy do when she first saw Captain Hook?

She Peedherpants

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.

Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green.

Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks how he got the peg leg.

"Well", says the pirate, "I fell into the sea and had to fight off a shark, but he ate me leg."

"What about the hook hand?" Pirate: "Me vessel got b...

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A doctor and a nurse hook up for a random "one-time" affair in one of the hospitals many rooms...

...As they are getting ready to "do the deed" the nurse proceeds to scrub-down from fingertips to elbows. The doctor says to her "Hey, you must be an O.R. Nurse right?" To which the nurse replies "well, yes I am, what gave me away?" The doctor says "well, it was easy, you just scrubbed down before ...

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This was the first long joke I ever learned. Interview with a pirate.

There was a pirate who had agreed to do an interview with a local tv station. The reporter was very courteous and professional, giving a bit of background as to the pirate's business. She then began interviewing him.

"So Mr. Longbeard, are there any risks to your business? I see you have a pe...

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Two men start talking at a high school reunion.

“It’s been a long time, what have you been up to?”

“I’m a business man now, I run a very successful company”

“Ah, I can see that by the briefcase and suit”

“What do you do?”

“Oh, arrr, I’m a pirate.”

“Ah, I see that by your peg leg, hook and eye patch. How did you ...

What do you call a little kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

Did you hear about the boxing pirate?

He had a mean left hook.

A lady goes to the store to buy a hook

..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."

(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

An old Couple in a nursing home decide to hook-up, And go to a closet, to be discreet, The woman warns the gent,"I have Acute Angina" and the gent says..

"That's good 'cause your tit's are ugly as hell!"

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Two guys and out fishing when one hooks a magic lamp.

He pulls it into the boat and rubs the lamp to read the writing on it. A genie pops out and says for freeing me from the lamp I will give you one wish. The fisherman told the genie to turn the lake into beer. Poof, it was done. The other fisherman yells at him, "you bastard, Now we have to piss in t...

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A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...