UPJOKE
casserolepastamealfonduesaucerplaterisottocrockerypizzasaladdish outbowlplatterentreefondu

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A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door.

A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door. She opens it to see a man standing there in the rain, breathing heavily. "Yes?" she asks.

"Do you have a vagina?" he says.

She gasps and slams the door in his face.

A week later, the guy is back again. "Do you have ...

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.

I heard the Russians are serving their soldiers complex dishes to eat

The plates are real. But the food is imaginary.

Sorry, horrible math joke.

Ina Garten said she bakes dishes 10 times before baking them for guests.

Must be nice to have all that dough.

Did you hear about the Mexican dish that was framed for murder?

His lawyers are claiming it was a quesa-mistaken-identidilla.

I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes

I'm now a major steak holder in the business

What is the least popular food dish in Turkey?

Poutine.

It's the curds they can't stand.

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

What’s an epileptic’s least favorite side dish?

Seizure Salad.

While Pluto was playing with the dishes

It said" When I grow up i wanna move plates just like Earth."

What is Gargamel‘s favorite dish ?

Smurf n Turf

I’m going to start a restaurant called: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. You know what we’re going to serve?

Just desserts...

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody

What is the national dish of Russia?

Empty

“Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty”

Grandfather replied: “there as clean as cold water can get ‘em”

Next day:

“Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?”

Grandpa: “cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get”

“Alright, whatever you say”
...

What did the kinky chilli dish say to the chef?

Put some cumin me

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish...

...the results speak for themselves.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

A woman is doing the dishes,

When a few minutes later, she hears her husband yelling at her from up the stairs.

“HONEY! COME LOOK AT MY CLOCK!”

She sighs, puts down the towel, and walks up the stairs. She finally gets to the room, and sees her husband laying starkers on the bed, hard-on wagging in the air.
...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting marrie...

A New Navy Recruit Details His First Day On The Submarine…

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

My wife calls me "The Dishes."

Because she doesn't them.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

I have a recipe in which a deep dish crust is filled with small rodents and covered with whipped egg whites.

Its a Lemming Meringue Pie

I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.

The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

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The dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks th...

What is Sherlock Holmes Favorite Mexican dish?

Case Ideas

An older woman is doing the dishes, when her husband walks up behind her and slaps her rear end.

“If you could firm this up, you wouldn’t need a girdle!” He says.

She turns around and grabs is crotch

“If you could firm this up, I wouldn’t need your brother!”

What do you call a small, mexican dish?

INCHalladas!!

What do you call a Thai dish that comes in and out of fashion?

Fad Thai

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

What do you call a dish that makes your taste buds explode?

A bomb appetit...



My friend forced me to tell the world about my dumb joke.

God, I'm awful, sorry about that!

Where do you learn to make complicated ice-cream dishes?

Sundae school.

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I asked my Japanese girlfriend to make me a traditional dish tasty enough to make me fall in love with her national cuisine.

Sushi did.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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A tourist in Madrid goes into a restaurant and orders the special

The waiter brings it, and he asks what it is.

"These are cojones, Signor."

"What are cojones?"

"These are the testicles of the bull, the one which lost the bullfight in the arena this afternoon. They're very good."

So he tries them, and they are very good. He finishes the...

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister a...

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

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How do you know your wife has died?

The sex stays the same but the dishes pile up.

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

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New Lover

A man got married to a hot (unknown to him, vampire) woman and took her out for dinner. The next day she was very ill and complained of chest pains, then she vomited fire and the bathroom burned down.

"What did you feed her" asked his friend.

He said that his dish was garlic shrimp. He...

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

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my first marriage didn't work out because my wife was too messy

Every time I went to piss in the sink she had dishes in it.

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

Knock, knock.. Who’s there? Dishes... Dishes who?

Dishes my knock, knock joke.

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

Chinese takeout, £15.00, petrol to get there, £1.50, getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

Everybody wants to save the earth;

nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

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A couple goes to Spain......

A couple goes to Spain for a vacation. After a full day they decide to go to a nice restaurant. As they’re seated at their table, they notice the couple next to them gets served with a platter with two of the largest meatballs they had ever seen. They called the waiter over to ask what the dish is. ...

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A shitty Joke

a guy has a crush on a beautiful woman. He shoot his shot, goes on a date and gets invited back to her house. Before anything happens he goes to the washroom. Pooping goes well. Flushing doesn't go well. He scoops the shit and puts in the cat's shit dish which is outside the washroom. The woman find...

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

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A mortician comes home from work laughing. His wife is at the sink doing dishes. She asks him, "What's so funny?"

He tells her, "The guy on the slab this afternoon! Woo! You should have seen him! He must have had a cock 14 inches long, and thick as my forearm! I've never seen such... What's wrong honey?"

"Oh my God!" she sobs. "Fred's dead!?"

A tasty dish made by Voldemort

Avada - KEBAB- ra...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her…

Dishes not the time to panic.

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

&nbsp;

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

&nbsp;

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

&nbsp;

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

&nbsp;

Husband (...

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

A child was doing some dishes

A child, around 11 years old, was doing dishes.

His parents were talking in the kitchen when they noticed him furiously scrubbing at the cheese grater.

"What's the matter, James?" His mother sweetly asked. James only scrubbed harder.

'Can't...get this cheese...off...'

His...

I like to wash my dishes to the sound of music

I guess that makes me a tap dancer

I dropped my phone while washing the dishes

Guess it is in sync now .....

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

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I got turned on when I was doing the dishes today.

Turns out... I'm pansexual

Ever since my wife started working, the dishes have been piling up

because when I unload the dishwasher the noise interrupts her zoom calls, and I want to be mindful of her professional image so I wait until later in the evening to clean.

I'm OCD about cleaning up.

There's never any dirty dishes in the sink, the floors are spotless, all the surfaces are wiped down. I even do this if I'm visiting somewhere. If I see a fingerprint or a footprint I just have to take care of it. It makes me a GREAT roommate... but a TERRIBLE crime scene investigator.

What's a Russians favorite side dish?

Cold Slav.

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

COVID-19 and COVID-20 were placed in a petri dish to fight

COVID-21

My wife has this weird ocd where she rearranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought

Its an extremely rare dish-order

Someone put dish soap on the ceiling today.

I didn't know until it dawned upon me.

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard

But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86

My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and Satellite dish.

Oh well, No Woman No Sky.

What side dish does George Michael ask for with his curry?

Well I guess it would be rice

Whats the national dish of ethiopia? Dont know?

Neither do they.

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Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears ...

What do you call a dish when you baked more than one octopus?

An Octopi.

I wanted to make a nice herby chicken dish for dinner but scratched my plans

I didn't have the thyme for it

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

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A man walks into a restaurant after a bull fight

A man walks into a Spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He looks at the menu for a bit and spots ‘meatballs del toro’. So he calls the waiter over and orders this plate. Later, two giant, steaming meatballs come out atop a large plate of spaghetti. Best meatballs the man has ever had. He leave...

Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

What do you call a nameless sweet dish?

Anonymousse.

What does a cannibal say when dishing up a meal?

Dinner is severed.

I was trying to bake an egg-based dish with fresh vegetables but my wife told me not to

I said “why don’t you like quiche”

Just finished the dishes and there are already more

It a dishes cycle.

Have you guys tried my new Texan pasta dish?

It's y'all dente

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