Dish Jokes - 84 Hilarious Dish Jokes

What’s an epileptic’s least favorite side dish?

Seizure Salad.

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A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door.

A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door. She opens it to see a man standing there in the rain, breathing heavily. "Yes?" she asks.

"Do you have a vagina?" he says.

She gasps and slams the door in his face.

A week later, the guy is back again. "Do you have ...

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Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

Did you hear about the Mexican dish that was framed for murder?

His lawyers are claiming it was a quesa-mistaken-identidilla.

What do you call a small, mexican dish?

INCHalladas!!

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

What is the national dish of Russia?

Empty

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Silence or Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and ask...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

What is reddits least favorite dish?

Kung Pao Chicken

Will I find the right spice to use for my dish?

Only thyme will tell.

What's Psychologists' Favorite Dish?

Freud Rice

Why did the chef philosopher always put mushrooms in every dish that he made?

He claimed it was a morel imperative.

I was wondering where the dish soap was.

And then it Dawned on me

Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

What was the cannibal's favorite part about the Vegetarian dish?

The Vegetarian

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

 

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

 

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

 

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

 

Husband (...

Knock, knock.. Who’s there? Dishes... Dishes who?

Dishes my knock, knock joke.

“Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty”

Grandfather replied: “there as clean as cold water can get ‘em”

Next day:

“Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?”

Grandpa: “cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get”

“Alright, whatever you say”
...

What is Gargamel‘s favorite dish ?

Smurf n Turf

While Pluto was playing with the dishes

It said" When I grow up i wanna move plates just like Earth."

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

I heard the Russians are serving their soldiers complex dishes to eat

The plates are real. But the food is imaginary.

Sorry, horrible math joke.

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When did dishes with eggs as the centerpiece become popular in Japan?

It was a long tamago.

My wife calls me "The Dishes."

Because she doesn't them.

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married...

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The Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes

I'm now a major steak holder in the business

A tasty dish made by Voldemort

Avada - KEBAB- ra...

What is Sherlock Holmes Favorite Mexican dish?

Case Ideas

Ina Garten said she bakes dishes 10 times before baking them for guests.

Must be nice to have all that dough.

Did you hear about the Italian chef how created the popular Italian dish that actually helps you lose weight?

He was awarded the No-belly pizza prize.

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Doctor walks into a restaurant to try some new dishes

"Hello, what do you like to have today?" Asked the waitress

"Just give anything" said the doctor.

The waitress brings out a double cheese burger with fries.

The doctor took a bite and dislikes it.

"The burger is full of grease, too much fat and fries are just extra carbs...

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For Halloween this year, I'm gonna be a dish.

Because bitches do dishes.

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.

The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.

What's a Russians favorite side dish?

Cold Slav.

I’m going to start a restaurant called: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. You know what we’re going to serve?

Just desserts...

A child was doing some dishes

A child, around 11 years old, was doing dishes.

His parents were talking in the kitchen when they noticed him furiously scrubbing at the cheese grater.

"What's the matter, James?" His mother sweetly asked. James only scrubbed harder.

'Can't...get this cheese...off...'

His...

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

Where do you learn to make complicated ice-cream dishes?

Sundae school.

What do you call a dish that makes your taste buds explode?

A bomb appetit...

My friend forced me to tell the world about my dumb joke.

God, I'm awful, sorry about that!

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

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Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

What's Californians favourite dish?

The Chilli Con Valley.

I dropped my phone while washing the dishes

Guess it is in sync now .....

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

So you know how Asia has a lot of raw food dishes?

Well, this guy walked into an Asian restaurant and ordered the chicken and rice. The waiter then served him his dish.

The guy tells the waiter: “Hey I hope you don’t get angry but, could you cook the chicken at least a little? It’s eating my rice.”

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

What do you call a Thai dish that comes in and out of fashion?

Fad Thai

Whats the national dish of ethiopia? Dont know?

Neither do they.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

What's Luigi's favorite dish at a seafood restaurant?

It's a Cala-Mario!

I thought of this joke while I was dreaming one night and laughed myself awake.

Doing the dirty Dishes

Means something totally different in Beauty and the beast

What is a white person's favorite Mexican dish?

Number 4.

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Wash the Dishes

This guy bought a motorcycle from a friend of his. As he was handing over his money the friend gave him a small tube of Vaseline and told him to rub it on the rims when it rained to avoid water stains. He quickly stowed the tube and drove off to meet his girlfriend who was going to introduce him t...

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

What do you call a nameless sweet dish?

Anonymousse.

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

What is a horse's favourite italian dish?

Spaghetti bologneighs.

Don't ask, my brain comes up with silly things ._.

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

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I got turned on when I was doing the dishes today.

Turns out... I'm pansexual

Some people dislike parsley in their liquid dishes

but I think it's soup herb.

Just finished the dishes and there are already more

It a dishes cycle.

The Italian dish which is controversial in r/jokes

Copy Pasta

Have you guys tried my new Texan pasta dish?

It's y'all dente

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