Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

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Do you know why Justice is a dish best-served cold?

Because if heated, it would become justwater.

Justice is a dish which is served best when it‘s still cold

Because if it would be served warm it would be just water

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

I like to wash my dishes to the sound of music

I guess that makes me a tap dancer

I dropped my phone while washing the dishes

Guess it is in sync now .....

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

Chinese takeout, £15.00, petrol to get there, £1.50, getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and Satellite dish.

Oh well, No Woman No Sky.

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

What did one petri dish say to the other?

Ahh, I see you too are a man of culture.



What did the petri dish say to the refrigerated porkchop?

>!Uncultured Swine!!<

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

Knock, knock.. Who’s there? Dishes... Dishes who?

Dishes my knock, knock joke.

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

Today is my wife's birthday, so I told her she didn't have to do the dishes.

I left them on the counter so she can do them tomorrow.



^(Seriously though, it is my wife's birthday.)

I wanted to make a nice herby chicken dish for dinner but scratched my plans

I didn't have the thyme for it

COVID-19 and COVID-20 were placed in a petri dish to fight

COVID-21

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard

But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothi...

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

I forgot to do the dishes again, and as punishment my wife read me the collected works of Kafka

I never did hear the end of it

Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

Last night, I did the dishes, vacuumed the house, hung up our laundry and mopped the floors while my wife was resting.

She was incredibly thankful, and after I finished she came up to me and gave me a massive hug, saying "What would I ever do without you?"

The dishes would be a good start.

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What do you say when done doing dishes?

Fuck... The frying pan.

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Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

What do you call a nameless sweet dish?

Anonymousse.

A guy walks into an exotic restaurant in Spain

Waiter: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm looking for the most exotic thing you have"

Waiter: "You're in luck, I'll return shortly"

Waiter leaves and returns with a bowl containing something unfamiliar to the customer.

Customer: "What's this?"

Waiter: "Every we...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

Some people dislike parsley in their liquid dishes

but I think it's soup herb.

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

A new navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with his officer who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post t...

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

What do you call a dish when you baked more than one octopus?

An Octopi.

Why couldnt the pasta dish get through the door?

Because it had gnocchi

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

Just finished the dishes and there are already more

It a dishes cycle.

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A man is on vacation in Spain

He goes out to eat one night and notices a man at another table being served a plate of spaghetti with two large meatballs. He asks his server if he can have the same.

The server says “I’m afraid not, señor, because those are actually the testicles of bull killed today at the bull fight. But ...

I used to think that revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I learned it means "getting back at someone".

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

An Engineer goes to Hell.

The first thing he notices is, it's awful hot. So he goes and checks the A/C system, and notices a missing belt. He replaces it, and soon it's a cool 78F.

The next thing he notices, is that all the TVs are showing nothing but static. He checks the satellite dish, and sees it's misaligned. He...

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

What's the heaviest Chinese dish?

Wanton

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

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I smacked my wifes butt and she got upset and said “Im trying to do the dishes!”

I yelled back “Im trying to do the dishwasher!”

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

Have you guys tried my new Texan pasta dish?

It's y'all dente

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Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

Gordon Ramsay heard of a particular Italian restaurant that was recommended by a LOT of people.

Intrigued, he went there to speak to the chef.

He asked the chef, "What gave your restaurant such a burst of popularity?"

The chef answers, "Well, it all a-began when we introduced a new meal.

The meal was made with a fish, in Italian we-a call it Coppi.

We catch it in-a ...

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Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears ...

I was invited to a dinner the other night.

The host warned me ahead of time, "Just so you know, we only serve vegetarian dishes. I hope you're alright with that."

I told him, "Of course! I have no problem with vegetarian dishes. In fact, I prefer them. But for the sake of conscience I do prefer it if the vegetarians were free rang...

What's a Russians favorite side dish?

Cold Slav.

School is good

[Original]
A child walks in the restaurant and asks for tea gravy. The waiter says the don't have it in the menu and the kid pouted and went away.
After this happened 4-5 times, the kid started crying in the 6th restaurant asking for tea gravy again.
When the manager said they have never ...

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

What side dish does George Michael ask for with his curry?

Well I guess it would be rice

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A girl wants to introduce her boyfriend, Maggot, to her parents

Maggot is this big biker dude. He has a leather vest, a bushy beard, and of course his pride and joy: a Harley-Davidson he keeps in pristine condition by polishing the chrome weekly and rubbing the saddle with vasoline whenever it rains.

So, at dinnertime, Maggot arrives at the parents' house...

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My wife told me to do the god damned dishes

This happened awhile back when I was still married.

I was playing video games when my wife told me to get my lazy ass into the kitchen to do the god damned dishes

Awhile later she came back and freaked out when she saw I hadn't done any of the dishes.

I calmly explained to her t...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

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Three women were fed up with their husbands

They agree that the best way to get their husbands to help with cleaning, is to stop doing it themselves. A week later, they meet again to discuss how it went.

The first one said: 'My Harry never did the laundry. I was sick of it. I told him: 'Harry, you lazy ass, I'm not doing your laundry a...

Doing the dirty Dishes

Means something totally different in Beauty and the beast

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

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My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and satellite dish!

I pity the poor bastard

No Woman No Sky!

I was trying to bake an egg-based dish with fresh vegetables but my wife told me not to

I said “why don’t you like quiche”

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Dinner at the girlfriends house

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When...

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The Harley, Vaseline, and The Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.  He doesn't have much luck, until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. 

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. 

It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he  ...

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Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

What is Waldo's (Wally's) least favorite dish?

Fondue!

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A guy walk into a restaurant in Spain

And sits down to eat.

While he's waiting, three trumpet players emerge, start playing a flourish, and in walks a waiter holding a covered plate that he presents to another patron. He pulls the cover off and shows the dish to everyone present.

The guy asks his own waiter, "What is t...

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges all the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Whats the national dish of ethiopia? Dont know?

Neither do they.

What is it called when one biologist steals a petri dish from another biologist?

Cultural appropriation.

Two satellite dishes had a wedding,

The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was INCREDIBLE.

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona

when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin ...

My gf said whisper something dirty in my ear....

So I said " Dishes,Laundry,bathtub."

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

I remember when I divorced my wife...

.. she insisted on dividing everything up fifty-fifty. She took half the dishes; I took half the dishes. She took half the furniture; I took half the furniture. I mean, right down to the pets. She wanted half the cats; I got half the cats. She wanted half the fish; I got half the fish. She even wa...

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

&nbsp;

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

&nbsp;

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

&nbsp;

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

&nbsp;

Husband (...

What's Californians favourite dish?

The Chilli Con Valley.

What is a white person's favorite Mexican dish?

Number 4.

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A Russian farmer caught one of his cows masturbating. He slaughtered it and used the meat to invent a new dish.

He called it Beef Strokinoff.

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How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

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A man went to an Indian restaurant in Japan and was served some naan. He had never had this dish before so he asked the waiter, "Nan desu ka?"

The waiter replied, "Hai, naan desu."

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

I asked my wife for a handjob

She said “okay there are some dishes you can wash”

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

Brock Turner sounds like a dish made from broccoli and turnips...

Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!

I ordered a new dish washer on black friday.

- (insert generic Russian mail order bride joke here)

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

What’s the small box on the back of a satellite dish called?

A council flat.

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

What do you call a professional chef whose specialty is traditional Vietnamese dishes?

He’s the Pho King, boss!

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

If my wife finds out that im still lurking on reddit instead of doing the dishes,

She’ll bang my head to the keybrkkakdibnsnshshhebbshshshbshshegbaldhhs rhsjaihswhwhwjwhahhsehhehwhahahehhehahjaheheuja

No one in a family of four wants to do the dishes...

The husband asks the wife to do it; the wife tells the daughter to do it; the daughter tells the son to do it; the son doesn’t want to do it either.

When a friend came to visit, he was very surprised to see the pet dog doing the dishes.
“Wow!” he exclaimed, “I didn’t know dogs could do cho...

The Italian dish which is controversial in r/jokes

Copy Pasta

A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer

and they were both fired.

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together.

It's hard for them to stay in sink.

What’s a dirty dishes’ favorite band?

N’sync

What did the spice jar say as he emptied into the dish?

Oh my god, I'm cumin!!!

What do you call a cute dish with a Mexican explorer on it?

A Dora bowl

What’s the most popular Mexican Dish in the Middle East?

An Inshallada

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