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Silence or Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and ask...

An art collector walks by a shop and sees a stray cat drinking from a dish that looks very valuable.

The art collector asks the shop keeper if he could buy the cat.

The shop keeper tells him he can have it for $10.

The art collector asks if he could get the dish as well because the cats already familiar with it.

The shop keeper tells him he can't have it because its his lucky d...

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

What do you call a dish that makes your taste buds explode?

A bomb appetit...



My friend forced me to tell the world about my dumb joke.

God, I'm awful, sorry about that!

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A mortician comes home from work laughing. His wife is at the sink doing dishes. She asks him, "What's so funny?"

He tells her, "The guy on the slab this afternoon! Woo! You should have seen him! He must have had a cock 14 inches long, and thick as my forearm! I've never seen such... What's wrong honey?"

"Oh my God!" she sobs. "Fred's dead!?"

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Justice is a dish best served cold

If it were served warm it would be justwater.

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

A tasty dish made by Voldemort

Avada - KEBAB- ra...

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...

but then I realized it meant 'getting back at somebody'.

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

Did you hear scientists were able to grow vocal cords in a petri dish?

The results speak for themselves

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I got turned on when I was doing the dishes today.

Turns out... I'm pansexual

A child was doing some dishes

A child, around 11 years old, was doing dishes.

His parents were talking in the kitchen when they noticed him furiously scrubbing at the cheese grater.

"What's the matter, James?" His mother sweetly asked. James only scrubbed harder.

'Can't...get this cheese...off...'

His...

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Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

What does a cannibal say when dishing up a meal?

Dinner is severed.

I like to wash my dishes to the sound of music

I guess that makes me a tap dancer

What is an epileptic person's favorite dish at Olive Garden?

A seizure salad

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

Chinese takeout, £15.00, petrol to get there, £1.50, getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and Satellite dish.

Oh well, No Woman No Sky.

What did one petri dish say to the other?

Ahh, I see you too are a man of culture.



What did the petri dish say to the refrigerated porkchop?

>!Uncultured Swine!!<

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

Someone put dish soap on the ceiling today.

I didn't know until it dawned upon me.

I dropped my phone while washing the dishes

Guess it is in sync now .....

Knock, knock.. Who’s there? Dishes... Dishes who?

Dishes my knock, knock joke.

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

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A man goes on vacation to Spain

He enters a restaurant and is greeted by a lovely aroma. The man looks at a table and sees the dish. "what's that?" he asks the waiter. "the dish of the day señor! It is the balls of the bull from this morning's bullfight! An absolute delicacy!"

"heck, I'm adventurous. I'd like to try that." ...

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is super...

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Chicken Dinner

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the...

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

COVID-19 and COVID-20 were placed in a petri dish to fight

COVID-21

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard

But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86

I wanted to make a nice herby chicken dish for dinner but scratched my plans

I didn't have the thyme for it

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothi...

What do you call a nameless sweet dish?

Anonymousse.

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

I forgot to do the dishes again, and as punishment my wife read me the collected works of Kafka

I never did hear the end of it

I don’t understand how do people steal jobs

Like I’ve never seen a Mexican walking in a restaurant and be like “ay gimme the dishes”.

Last night, I did the dishes, vacuumed the house, hung up our laundry and mopped the floors while my wife was resting.

She was incredibly thankful, and after I finished she came up to me and gave me a massive hug, saying "What would I ever do without you?"

The dishes would be a good start.

A wife approaches her husband - fuming.

She says to him "I've done the dishes, done the laundry, ironed ALL the clothes and cleaned the house. Meanwhile, you've done NOTHING but wait for me to bring you a GOD DAMNED BEER! What does that say about you??"

The husband replies: "It says I am very patient".

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Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears ...

What do you call a dish when you baked more than one octopus?

An Octopi.

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam

See his answers.

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. L...

Some people dislike parsley in their liquid dishes

but I think it's soup herb.

Just finished the dishes and there are already more

It a dishes cycle.

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

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I smacked my wifes butt and she got upset and said “Im trying to do the dishes!”

I yelled back “Im trying to do the dishwasher!”

What's the heaviest Chinese dish?

Wanton

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:


\\\*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment\\\*


I was impressed......


On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervisi...

Have you guys tried my new Texan pasta dish?

It's y'all dente

What's a Russians favorite side dish?

Cold Slav.

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

What side dish does George Michael ask for with his curry?

Well I guess it would be rice

Did you know waffles are called våfflor in Sweden

Sweet dish language is intresting

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

I was trying to bake an egg-based dish with fresh vegetables but my wife told me not to

I said “why don’t you like quiche”

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

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A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

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My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and satellite dish!

I pity the poor bastard

No Woman No Sky!

What is Waldo's (Wally's) least favorite dish?

Fondue!

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

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How do you tell your wife is dead?

Sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

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My wife told me to do the god damned dishes

This happened awhile back when I was still married.

I was playing video games when my wife told me to get my lazy ass into the kitchen to do the god damned dishes

Awhile later she came back and freaked out when she saw I hadn't done any of the dishes.

I calmly explained to her t...

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

&nbsp;

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

&nbsp;

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

&nbsp;

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

&nbsp;

Husband (...

Whats the national dish of ethiopia? Dont know?

Neither do they.

What is it called when one biologist steals a petri dish from another biologist?

Cultural appropriation.

What does tinkerbell wash her dishes with?

Fairy liquid.

Doing the dirty Dishes

Means something totally different in Beauty and the beast

It was the day of my anniversary, and I had forgotten to buy my wife a present.

In a panic, I told her that my gift was that I would cook her whatever she wanted for dinner. She said she'd always wanted to try escargot, a fancy French dish made of snails and she wanted me to go out and buy them. So I went out and bought a bag of snails, but it was early in the evening so I thou...

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

I ordered a new dish washer on black friday.

- (insert generic Russian mail order bride joke here)

Two satellite dishes had a wedding,

The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was INCREDIBLE.

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

What is a white person's favorite Mexican dish?

Number 4.

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona.

He notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Ar...

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

A guy walks into an exotic restaurant in Spain

Waiter: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm looking for the most exotic thing you have"

Waiter: "You're in luck, I'll return shortly"

Waiter leaves and returns with a bowl containing something unfamiliar to the customer.

Customer: "What's this?"

Waiter: "Every we...

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes....

Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....

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A man went to an Indian restaurant in Japan and was served some naan. He had never had this dish before so he asked the waiter, "Nan desu ka?"

The waiter replied, "Hai, naan desu."

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

Brock Turner sounds like a dish made from broccoli and turnips...

Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!

What's Californians favourite dish?

The Chilli Con Valley.

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

I watched two satellite dishes get married last week.

The dinner was underwhelming but the reception was amazing.

What’s the small box on the back of a satellite dish called?

A council flat.

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A Russian farmer caught one of his cows masturbating. He slaughtered it and used the meat to invent a new dish.

He called it Beef Strokinoff.

An orthodox Rabbi walks into a restaurant...

It’s not a kosher place, but he thinks “what the hell, why not?” He asks for a seat outside.

He looks at the menu, and decides if he’s gonna eat non-Kosher food, he’s going to do it in the biggest way possible. He orders a whole, roasted suckling pig, complete with multiple sauces and an appl...

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So there was this guys who just loved his bike very much, he'd just put vaseline on it everytime it rains.

His girlfriend told him that she wants him to meet the parents, but the one rule they have is that nobody speaks over dinner and who ever does must do the dishes.
So the man goes over there and everybody is silent so he just starts kissing and making out with his girl right on the dining table, h...

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

The Italian dish which is controversial in r/jokes

Copy Pasta

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

If my wife finds out that im still lurking on reddit instead of doing the dishes,

She’ll bang my head to the keybrkkakdibnsnshshhebbshshshbshshegbaldhhs rhsjaihswhwhwjwhahhsehhehwhahahehhehahjaheheuja

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