The 99+ Best Dish Jokes

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A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door.

A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door. She opens it to see a man standing there in the rain, breathing heavily. "Yes?" she asks.

"Do you have a vagina?" he says.

She gasps and slams the door in his face.

A week later, the guy is back again. "Do you have ...

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

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Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

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Silence or Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and ask...

What's Psychologists' Favorite Dish?

Freud Rice

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

I was wondering where the dish soap was.

And then it Dawned on me

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

Did you hear about the Italian chef how created the popular Italian dish that actually helps you lose weight?

He was awarded the No-belly pizza prize.

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

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When did dishes with eggs as the centerpiece become popular in Japan?

It was a long tamago.

“Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty”

Grandfather replied: “there as clean as cold water can get ‘em”

Next day:

“Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?”

Grandpa: “cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get”

“Alright, whatever you say”
...

I’m going to start a restaurant called: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. You know what we’re going to serve?

Just desserts...

What’s an epileptic’s least favorite side dish?

Seizure Salad.

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

 

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

 

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

 

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

 

Husband (...

What is Gargamel‘s favorite dish ?

Smurf n Turf

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.

I heard the Russians are serving their soldiers complex dishes to eat

The plates are real. But the food is imaginary.

Sorry, horrible math joke.

Did you hear about the Mexican dish that was framed for murder?

His lawyers are claiming it was a quesa-mistaken-identidilla.

I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes

I'm now a major steak holder in the business

What is the national dish of Russia?

Empty

Ina Garten said she bakes dishes 10 times before baking them for guests.

Must be nice to have all that dough.

While Pluto was playing with the dishes

It said" When I grow up i wanna move plates just like Earth."

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

My wife calls me "The Dishes."

Because she doesn't them.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

I have a recipe in which a deep dish crust is filled with small rodents and covered with whipped egg whites.

Its a Lemming Meringue Pie

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

What do you call a small, mexican dish?

INCHalladas!!

I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.

The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.

What do you call a Thai dish that comes in and out of fashion?

Fad Thai

An older woman is doing the dishes, when her husband walks up behind her and slaps her rear end.

“If you could firm this up, you wouldn’t need a girdle!” He says.

She turns around and grabs is crotch

“If you could firm this up, I wouldn’t need your brother!”

What do you call a dish that makes your taste buds explode?

A bomb appetit...

My friend forced me to tell the world about my dumb joke.

God, I'm awful, sorry about that!

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

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I asked my Japanese girlfriend to make me a traditional dish tasty enough to make me fall in love with her national cuisine.

Sushi did.

What is Sherlock Holmes Favorite Mexican dish?

Case Ideas

So you know how Asia has a lot of raw food dishes?

Well, this guy walked into an Asian restaurant and ordered the chicken and rice. The waiter then served him his dish.

The guy tells the waiter: “Hey I hope you don’t get angry but, could you cook the chicken at least a little? It’s eating my rice.”

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For Halloween this year, I'm gonna be a dish.

Because bitches do dishes.

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

Where do you learn to make complicated ice-cream dishes?

Sundae school.

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

Knock, knock.. Who’s there? Dishes... Dishes who?

Dishes my knock, knock joke.

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married...

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

A tasty dish made by Voldemort

Avada - KEBAB- ra...

COVID-19 and COVID-20 were placed in a petri dish to fight

COVID-21

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

What's a Russians favorite side dish?

Cold Slav.

My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and Satellite dish.

Oh well, No Woman No Sky.

I like to wash my dishes to the sound of music

I guess that makes me a tap dancer

Someone put dish soap on the ceiling today.

I didn't know until it dawned upon me.

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A mortician comes home from work laughing. His wife is at the sink doing dishes. She asks him, "What's so funny?"

He tells her, "The guy on the slab this afternoon! Woo! You should have seen him! He must have had a cock 14 inches long, and thick as my forearm! I've never seen such... What's wrong honey?"

"Oh my God!" she sobs. "Fred's dead!?"

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

I dropped my phone while washing the dishes

Guess it is in sync now .....

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I got turned on when I was doing the dishes today.

Turns out... I'm pansexual

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The Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

A child was doing some dishes

A child, around 11 years old, was doing dishes.

His parents were talking in the kitchen when they noticed him furiously scrubbing at the cheese grater.

"What's the matter, James?" His mother sweetly asked. James only scrubbed harder.

'Can't...get this cheese...off...'

His...

Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

I wanted to make a nice herby chicken dish for dinner but scratched my plans

I didn't have the thyme for it

What's Luigi's favorite dish at a seafood restaurant?

It's a Cala-Mario!

I thought of this joke while I was dreaming one night and laughed myself awake.

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

What is reddits least favorite dish?

Kung Pao Chicken

Whats the national dish of ethiopia? Dont know?

Neither do they.

What side dish does George Michael ask for with his curry?

Well I guess it would be rice

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard

But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86

What do you call a dish when you baked more than one octopus?

An Octopi.

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

I was trying to bake an egg-based dish with fresh vegetables but my wife told me not to

I said “why don’t you like quiche”

What is a white person's favorite Mexican dish?

Number 4.

What does a cannibal say when dishing up a meal?

Dinner is severed.

I told my gf she doesn't have to do the dishes on women's day

Honey, you don't have to do the dishes today. Today is your day. You can do them tomorrow

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Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears ...

What do you call a nameless sweet dish?

Anonymousse.

What's the heaviest Chinese dish?

Wanton

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and satellite dish!

I pity the poor bastard

No Woman No Sky!

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Just finished the dishes and there are already more

It a dishes cycle.

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

Last night, I did the dishes, vacuumed the house, hung up our laundry and mopped the floors while my wife was resting.

She was incredibly thankful, and after I finished she came up to me and gave me a massive hug, saying "What would I ever do without you?"

The dishes would be a good start.

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

The Italian dish which is controversial in r/jokes

Copy Pasta

Have you guys tried my new Texan pasta dish?

It's y'all dente

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothi...

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

What’s the small box on the back of a satellite dish called?

A council flat.

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