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Policeman - When did you find out that your wife is dead ?

Husband - I mean the sex was the same but the dishes started piling up.

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes, who?

This is Sean Connery.

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

Doing the dirty Dishes

Means something totally different in Beauty and the beast

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Why is justice a dish best served cold?

Because if it were served warm it would be justwater.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

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My wife told me to do the god damned dishes

This happened awhile back when I was still married.

I was playing video games when my wife told me to get my lazy ass into the kitchen to do the god damned dishes

Awhile later she came back and freaked out when she saw I hadn't done any of the dishes.

I calmly explained to her t...

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What is a pansexual's guilty pleasure activity?

Washing the dishes.

I used to think that revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I learned it means "getting back at someone".

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

He didn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a “for sale” sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute perfect condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condi...

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

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Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.

The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:

\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?

\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a ...

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A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.

A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.
he calls a waiter over and says he wants the same but the waiter says, ah senor, there is only one dish per day, they are the testicles of the bull killed at the bullfight today
the ma...

I was invited to a potluck and invited to bring my favorite casserole...

My family, being from Minnesota, has an affinity towards a particular brand of potted meat -- so I bring a casserole with this as the main ingredient.

When I get to the potluck, I am instructed to place my casserole in the bottom right corner of the table. As other guests arrive my casserole...

A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

I saw a post saying "Free China".

Turns out it was some old lady giving away her dishes.

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My buddy went to the bull fights

My buddy returned from Spain a few days ago and was telling me about his trip. He said he went to the bull fights and later found the best Italian food he had ever had right outside the stadium. The pasta was fresh, the sauce was amazing, and the meatballs were the most tender and well seasoned he h...

(long) a blind joke.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, ...

What's the heaviest Chinese dish?

Wanton

We fear no wives

Three guys are sitting in a bar. Suddenly the first guy’s phone rings, he immediately answered it then without saying anything he ran out the door only to rush back, quickly throws 10-dollar bills on the bar while muttering, “Damn I forgot to do the dishes, the wife’s on the way home.” Then he ran f...

Have you guys tried my new Texan pasta dish?

It's y'all dente

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My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and satellite dish!

I pity the poor bastard

No Woman No Sky!

What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube?

The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split.

A man goes to Spain

He arrives, and of course, the first thing he has to go see is the daily bull fight.
The match is drawn out, a banderillero is gored, but eventually the bull is subdued and the matador emerges victorious.
The man is famished at this point, and so, entranced by the fight, he finds his way to t...

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

Keeping The Romance Alive

I still love to spoil the love of my life! If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she's on her way! I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.

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A priest is taking confessions

When he gets a sudden urge to use the bathroom. Not wanting to interrupt the lineup, he flags over the janitor and says " can you sit in for me for a 10 minutes, just flip through this sins book and dish out whatever penance is required. Easy peasy."
So the first confessioner comes in, a young...

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Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears ...

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I smacked my wifes butt and she got upset and said “Im trying to do the dishes!”

I yelled back “Im trying to do the dishwasher!”

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A young man is looking in the classifieds for a motorcycle.....

He finally finds one he has been looking for and eventually meets up with the owner. An old man in overalls greets him and says, "Here she is". The young lad cant believe it, its the bike he has always wanted and its in pristine condition. They have some small talk about bikes and riding stories. Th...

I was having an argument with my wife the other day

She wanted me to do the dishes, and I just didn't feel like it. We went at it for about 5 minutes, just cursing and arguing. "I always do the dishes blah blah blah" So I gave in and did the dishes. My other wife said it was bigamy to let her win, but I just can't stand arguing.

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Washing Dishes In The Countryside

Jim visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, Jim's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Jim noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold wa...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting marri...

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

What does tinkerbell wash her dishes with?

Fairy liquid.

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A guy drives up to a diner in a Tesla...

Dressed to the 9s, and clearly not hurting for money. He gets out of the car and is accompanied by an ostrich and a cat. The unlikely trio go into the diner and find a place to sit. When the waitress comes to take their order, the man orders the meatloaf, the ostrich also orders the meatloaf, and th...

What did the Pie scientist use for their experiment?

A peach tree dish.

One of my friends suggested that for one of my dishes, I should put rice in.

Didn't realize what he really meant until he died.

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Son, now that you've moved out you're going to need to get a couple things.

You're going to need a dishwasher to clean the dishes. A washing machine to clean your clothes. And a girlfriend so you have good sex. But for God's sake never let the three women meet.

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine...

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washin...

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

A man approached me and told me he was a chef

He asked if I had spices among other ingredients to make a nice dish so I obliged. He began mixing some of the said spices and I allowed it, thinking it was to make mixed spice, then he got one of them and poured it on the floor.

It was then I realized he was wasting my thyme.

Visiting my elderly dad ...

Went to visit my elderly dad and as we were getting ready to eat breakfast I noticed the dishes seemed dirty. When I asked him about he replied "That's the best cold water can get them".

Same thing at lunch, dishes were very dirty and my dad just said "best cold water can get 'em".

To...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

What side dish does George Michael ask for with his curry?

Well I guess it would be rice

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Cop: So when did you notice your wife was dead?

Man: Well, the sex was still the same but the dishes started to pile up

What's a Russians favorite side dish?

Cold Slav.

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A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.

In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never lef...

I was trying to bake an egg-based dish with fresh vegetables but my wife told me not to

I said “why don’t you like quiche”

New Harley-Davidson

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not ha...

I watched two satellite dishes get married last week.

The dinner was underwhelming but the reception was amazing.

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

Two satellite dishes had a wedding,

The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was INCREDIBLE.

Whats the national dish of ethiopia? Dont know?

Neither do they.

What is Waldo's (Wally's) least favorite dish?

Fondue!

My dad made a Vietnamese/Thai fusion dish the other day...

It was Tom-Phocurry.

What's Californians favourite dish?

The Chilli Con Valley.

What is it called when one biologist steals a petri dish from another biologist?

Cultural appropriation.

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A Russian farmer caught one of his cows masturbating. He slaughtered it and used the meat to invent a new dish.

He called it Beef Strokinoff.

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

What do you call a professional chef whose specialty is traditional Vietnamese dishes?

He’s the Pho King, boss!

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

What is a white person's favorite Mexican dish?

Number 4.

Brock Turner sounds like a dish made from broccoli and turnips...

Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!

No one in a family of four wants to do the dishes...

The husband asks the wife to do it; the wife tells the daughter to do it; the daughter tells the son to do it; the son doesn’t want to do it either.

When a friend came to visit, he was very surprised to see the pet dog doing the dishes.
“Wow!” he exclaimed, “I didn’t know dogs could do cho...

Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together.

It's hard for them to stay in sink.

What’s the small box on the back of a satellite dish called?

A council flat.

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My wife told me to load the dish washer and turn it on

So I got her drunk and before you know it, we had sex

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

 

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

 

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

 

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

 

Husband (...

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

What’s a dirty dishes’ favorite band?

N’sync

If my wife finds out that im still lurking on reddit instead of doing the dishes,

She’ll bang my head to the keybrkkakdibnsnshshhebbshshshbshshegbaldhhs rhsjaihswhwhwjwhahhsehhehwhahahehhehahjaheheuja

What do you call a cute dish with a Mexican explorer on it?

A Dora bowl

What do you call 2 petri dishes enjoying themselves at an art museum?

Cultured

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

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What is the riskiest dish to order from a Japanese restaurant?

Fish of the north star.

A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer

and they were both fired.

The Italian dish which is controversial in r/jokes

Copy Pasta

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

What did the spice jar say as he emptied into the dish?

Oh my god, I'm cumin!!!

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

A couple of guys are chilling when suddenly one of them looks at the clock and freaks out, "I gotta go back and do the dishes or my wife will beat me". The group reply with "damn, Mike, you let your wife beat you?". Mike replied:

"of course not! I always do the dishes!"

Why did the chef not finish his dish?

He ran out of thyme.

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

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