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Shellfish Jokes

What do you call a person who keeps all the seafood to themselves?

Shellfish

My buddies stopped talking to me since I started talking to shellfish.

I'm being oistercised.

How do shellfish get high?

At a clam bake

What kind of cars do shellfish drive?

Mussel cars.

Why did the shrimp break up with her boyfriend?

He was really shellfish!

An angry shellfish recently hunted me down…

It had muscle memory

Did you hear about the racist shellfish?

He joined the Ku Klux Klam.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?

A crab apple !

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

Lobsters are greedy. They never give anything to charity. They're just shellfish.

But that's being too hard on them. Not everyone can afford to be a philanthropod.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?

The prawnbroker.

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

You can't really blame barnacles for being clingy...

They're just a little shellfish.

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

Sean Connery was the original choice to play Sebastian in The Little Mermaid

He turned the role down because, he said, "as a child I was always told not to be shellfish."

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can happen if you have sex with shellfish?

You get clamydia

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

Why didn't the lobster give his seat to the old lady on the bus?

Because he was shellfish.

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they're all shellfish.

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

Did you hear about the shellfish that couldn't breathe?

He had prawn-chitis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an epileptic shellfish chef, and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks and fits, the other...

My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a shellfish on her inner thigh

If you would put your ear on it, you could smell the sea

What do you call a crustacean who's always thinking of himself?

Shellfish!

Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they are “shellfish”

Why don’t the lobsters in those tanks at restaurants and grocery stores ever greet us or ask us how we’re doing?

Because they’re shellfish.

Do you know why the clam murdered the oyster?

Shellfish reasons

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

Why won’t a pair of lobsters share their best jokes with each other?

Because they are two shellfish

Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl?

She was shellfish.

Why did the crabber's wife divorce him?

He was a shellfish lover

What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish?

A cool clux clam.

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?

>!Because he was a little shellfish.!<

My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish

A couple of shrimp were at the bar next to me, eating a bowl of fries. I went to ask if I could have one, but the bartender stopped me. "Don't bother," he said, "they won't share.

They're two shellfish."

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

Why does nobody like a lobster with a lisp?

They are way too shellfish.

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the s...

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

Beautiful clams don't look out for others

They're pretty shellfish

What Did Sean Connery Say When He Received A Free Order Of Lobster?

"Would you like a bite? I'm not feeling shellfish today."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

I dated a woman who thought she was a lobster.

She was the most shellfish person I ever met.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

I went to the doctors the other day because I had developed a lisp and get agitated when people don’t share

Turns out it’s just a shellfish allergy

Why didn’t the prawn share his dessert?

The piece of shrimp was shellfish!

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

My girlfriend won't share her surf and turf with me...

Shellfish cow

What’s a narcissist’s favorite food?

Shellfish

What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?

"You're two shellfish."

So my ex girlfriend called me told me she has clamydia...

it didnt surprise me

she was always a shellfish lover

You should never trust shrimp.

You never know how shellfish they'll turn out to be.

Today I watched a documentary about crustaceans and I saw a crab take another crab's food...

...crabs can be so shellfish right?

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

Why would a crustatean not be good in an open relationship?

They would get too shellfish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

How do you get a lobster to care about others?

You can't. They're shellfish.

How did the shrimp eat all the fish food?

shellfishly

A shrimp and a lobster are seated to next to each other on a plane.

Not long into the flight the frustrated shrimp turns to the lobster and says, "Stop taking up so much room! You are being too shellfish!"

Why wouldn't blastoise share with charizard?

He was a shellfish pokemon.

I went on a date last night with a tiny lobster.

Its didnt work out. She was a little shellfish.

why did the lobster refuse to help anyone else?

because he's shellfish

Why didnt the shrimp let anyone else eat?

He was being SHELLFISH

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