UPJOKE
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My buddies stopped talking to me since I started talking to shellfish.

I'm being oistercised.

Did you hear about the shellfish that couldn't breathe?

He had prawn-chitis.

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they're all shellfish.

What do you call a shellfish that is really into BDSM?

A mussel bound freak.

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

What do you call a group of racist shellfish?

The Ku Klux Klams

What do you call a person who keeps all the seafood to themselves?

Shellfish

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?

The prawnbroker.

What do you call a shellfish Action movie star?

Jean Claude Van Clam.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?

A crab apple !

What do you call two shellfish causing accidents?

Clam-ities

Lobsters are greedy. They never give anything to charity. They're just shellfish.

But that's being too hard on them. Not everyone can afford to be a philanthropod.

What kind of cars do shellfish drive?

Mussel cars.

How do shellfish get high?

At a clam bake

Why won't shrimps share their treasure?

Because they're shellfish.

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What's the difference between an epileptic shellfish chef, and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks and fits, the other...

My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a shellfish on her inner thigh

If you would put your ear on it, you could smell the sea

Why does nobody like a lobster with a lisp?

They are way too shellfish.

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the s...

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

Why don’t oysters donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

Why won’t a pair of lobsters share their best jokes with each other?

Because they are two shellfish

Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him?

He was shellfish in the seabed

No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl?

She was shellfish.

Why did the crabber's wife divorce him?

He was a shellfish lover

Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

A couple of shrimp were at the bar next to me, eating a bowl of fries. I went to ask if I could have one, but the bartender stopped me. "Don't bother," he said, "they won't share.

They're two shellfish."

Why did the oyster get dumped by his girlfriend?

He’s shellfish

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his snack?

He was shellfish.

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

Why was the animal unhappy?

**Why was the dog unhappy?**

He had a ruff week.

**Why was the cat unhappy?**

His life wasn't purrfect.

**Why was the turtle unhappy?**

His brother was a shellout.

**Why was the crustacean unhappy?**

His mother's been a real crab lately.

**Why ...

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

A prawn walks into a bar with friends, and only orders a beer for himself.

Bartender says, “a little shellfish, aren’t you?”.

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

I dated a woman who thought she was a lobster.

She was the most shellfish person I ever met.

What’s a narcissist’s favorite food?

Shellfish

I went to the doctors the other day because I had developed a lisp and get agitated when people don’t share

Turns out it’s just a shellfish allergy

Why didn’t the prawn share his dessert?

The piece of shrimp was shellfish!

What Did Sean Connery Say When He Received A Free Order Of Lobster?

"Would you like a bite? I'm not feeling shellfish today."

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

Beautiful clams don't look out for others

They're pretty shellfish

My girlfriend won't share her surf and turf with me...

Shellfish cow

What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?

"You're two shellfish."

So my ex girlfriend called me told me she has clamydia...

it didnt surprise me

she was always a shellfish lover

You should never trust shrimp.

You never know how shellfish they'll turn out to be.

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

Today I watched a documentary about crustaceans and I saw a crab take another crab's food...

...crabs can be so shellfish right?

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If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

How do you get a lobster to care about others?

You can't. They're shellfish.

How did the shrimp eat all the fish food?

shellfishly

Why didnt the shrimp let anyone else eat?

He was being SHELLFISH

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fish jokes

One fish says to the other, “You drink like a fish.”
The other fish responds, “So do you.”

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

What fish is best to have in a boat?
A Sailfish.
<...

I went on a date last night with a tiny lobster.

Its didnt work out. She was a little shellfish.

why did the lobster refuse to help anyone else?

because he's shellfish

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