My buddies stopped talking to me since I started talking to shellfish.

I'm being oistercised.

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

What do you call a shellfish that is really into BDSM?

A mussel bound freak.

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

How do shellfish get around London?

With an Oyster Card!

What do you call a group of racist shellfish?

The Ku Klux Klams

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?

The prawnbroker.

Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

What do you call a secret operation run by shellfish?

Clamdestine.

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

How do shellfish get high?

At a clam bake

What do you call a shellfish Action movie star?

Jean Claude Van Clam.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?

A crab apple !

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a shellfish on her inner thigh

If you would put your ear on it, you could smell the sea

My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish

Why don’t crabs donate?

Because they’re shellfish.

What do you call two shellfish causing accidents?

Clam-ities

Lobsters are greedy. They never give anything to charity. They're just shellfish.

But that's being too hard on them. Not everyone can afford to be a philanthropod.

Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him?

He was shellfish in the seabed

No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.

What kind of cars do shellfish drive?

Mussel cars.

What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish?

A cool clux clam.

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

Why did the crabber's wife divorce him?

He was a shellfish lover

Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl?

She was shellfish.

Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

A couple of shrimp were at the bar next to me, eating a bowl of fries. I went to ask if I could have one, but the bartender stopped me. "Don't bother," he said, "they won't share.

They're two shellfish."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a lobster with four packs of toilet paper?

A shellfish bastard.

Why are lobsters bad at relationships?

Too shellfish.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his snack?

He was shellfish.

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

Why was the animal unhappy?

**Why was the dog unhappy?**

He had a ruff week.

**Why was the cat unhappy?**

His life wasn't purrfect.

**Why was the turtle unhappy?**

His brother was a shellout.

**Why was the crustacean unhappy?**

His mother's been a real crab lately.

**Why ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

A prawn walks into a bar with friends, and only orders a beer for himself.

Bartender says, “a little shellfish, aren’t you?”.

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

What’s a narcissist’s favorite food?

Shellfish

I went to the doctors the other day because I had developed a lisp and get agitated when people don’t share

Turns out it’s just a shellfish allergy

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

Beautiful clams don't look out for others

They're pretty shellfish

I dated a woman who thought she was a lobster.

She was the most shellfish person I ever met.

Why didn’t the prawn share his dessert?

The piece of shrimp was shellfish!

What Did Sean Connery Say When He Received A Free Order Of Lobster?

"Would you like a bite? I'm not feeling shellfish today."

Sean Connery and a mussel are watching a movie...

The mussel is eating pop corn.

"Could you passh me shome pop corn?" asks Sean Connery

"No get your own!" answers the mussel

"Oh, come on! Don't be sho shellfish!"

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

You should never trust shrimp.

You never know how shellfish they'll turn out to be.

My girlfriend won't share her surf and turf with me...

Shellfish cow

So my ex girlfriend called me told me she has clamydia...

it didnt surprise me

she was always a shellfish lover

What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?

"You're two shellfish."

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

How do you get a lobster to care about others?

You can't. They're shellfish.

Today I watched a documentary about crustaceans and I saw a crab take another crab's food...

...crabs can be so shellfish right?

A shrimp and a lobster are seated to next to each other on a plane.

Not long into the flight the frustrated shrimp turns to the lobster and says, "Stop taking up so much room! You are being too shellfish!"

How did the shrimp eat all the fish food?

shellfishly

What do you call a self absorbed lobster?

A little shellfish!


I'll^see^myself^out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fish jokes

One fish says to the other, “You drink like a fish.”
The other fish responds, “So do you.”

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

What fish is best to have in a boat?
A Sailfish.
<...

Why didnt the shrimp let anyone else eat?

He was being SHELLFISH

Why wouldn't blastoise share with charizard?

He was a shellfish pokemon.

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