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Stock Jokes

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

Why is a stock market crash worse than a divorce?

Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there

I’ve started investing in stocks

Beef, chicken, and vegetable… one day I hope to be a bouillionaire

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bul...

I was going to short the stock of OceanGate .

Too late now, it couldn’t get any lower.

Did you hear about the rapper who made a killing in the stock market?

Lil' Nas Daq

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market.

A tall medium who shorts.

I am a stock broker

I am broke after investing in stocks

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

What's the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market?

Invest a billion dollars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

I've started buying up chicken stock

Pretty soon, I'll be a bouillonaire!

Bad news in the stock market today

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and thousands of investors were wiped clean.

The stock market is getting crushed

My calculations indicate I can retire 10 years after I die

I'm feeling sad because I went to the supermarket today for the sale they had on ginger ale but they were dumping all their stock into a hydraulic crusher out back.

It was soda pressing.

End of the World: Stock up on Staples.

My Mom: Do you think this War is the end? Do you think we should stock up on staples?
My Dad: I don't think there will be that much paperwork.

What's the difference between me and the stock market?

1) My parents are actually invested in the stock market

2) The stock market still has some value

3) People care that the stock market is currently depressed

I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share!

It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

Is anyone behaving badly just to get coal in their stocking...

... so they can heat their house?

I figured it how to become a millionaire by taking stock advice from Reddit!

The catch is that you have to start investing when you're a billionaire...

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning

is their husband.

What did the bad World Cup announcer get in his stocking?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

Apple Stock

Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China

I have some great stock tips..

Always keep the simmer low and slow. Save up the odds and ends from veggies. If you're using chicken, skim the fat/floaty bits off to get a clear liquid etc.


If you keep doing this, you end up a bouillonaire.

The Jewelry Store

An older man walked into a jewelry store with a young woman. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, “No, I'd like to see something more special.”

The jeweler went to hi...

Secretly found that I can manipulate stock market

Whatever I bought, it went red.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

What do Russian stock traders and Military vehicles have in common

They stopped working

Chicken stock has gone up today,

but only by a poultry sum.

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Guy goes up to a produce stock boy and says...

"I want half a head of lettuce. Can you do that for me?" The stock boy says, "Just a minute," and heads off the back room. He finds the produce manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Something makes him look back and he sees that the customer has followed him and is st...

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The stock market is like sex.

You just need to know when to pull out.

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

I tried borrowing the book 1984 but it was out of stock

Literally 1984

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

Yo mama’s so fat

When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

Stock check for Charlie!

It's that time of the month for a young lady, so she goes into a drug store looking for pack of her usual brand. She sees that particular shelf is empty, so asks the older woman at the checkout if they have any large Tampax in stock.

The woman replies that they should have inventory back ...

I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

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Lock & Stock were a famous pro wrestling tag team. They had a long, successful career, won many titles, had a wonderful retirement match and were inducted into the Hall of Fame of every company they wrestled in.

One day, chilling on the porch and reflecting on the many blessings of their career, Lock asked Stock "You know, I've always wondered; is there pro wrestling in heaven?"

"I've always wondered that myself," Stock replied.

So the two agreed, "Whichever of us gets there first needs to fin...

I've been watching my HTZ stock go down.

It really Hertz.

What do the stock market and my ex have in common?

Theyre both doing really well and all my friends are in them except me

With the recent hike in GameStop stocks...

You are able to return something from GameStop and get your money back for the first time.

How is marijuana stock sold on the stock market?

Buy high sell higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women hate having sex with people who invested in Gme stock?

They never pull out

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

I started a business that takes stock photos of food

I call it Spaghetti images

Chinese man going to work at the stock market..

while dressing up in morning he says
''time for me to go in vest'''

Girl, are you a TSLA stock option?

Cause I have no experience, and I want to call you.

What do you call a stock broker that also works as a private eye?

An Invest-igator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Catholics make so much money with stocks and cryptocurrency?

Because they have perfected when to pull out.

What do you call someone who buys up the garden store's entire stock of shrubbery?

A hedgehog!

Stock markets!!!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $ 100 each.


The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $ 100 and as supply s...

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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build...

Two men, both new to the town, was discussing their new home.

"What a strange place," said one of them. "I went to check out the stock exchange yesterday, and it turned out to be all about soups and sauces. Very disappointing."

"You think that's disappointing?" replied the other. "I went to check out the brothel!"

A pharmacist shows up to work one day

and he sees a guy standing by an endcap, holding onto it, and looks in pretty bad shape. Just then the stock boy comes by so the pharmacist asks him what's with the guy. Stock boy says that he came in for a cough but he didn't know where the cough medicine was so he gave him laxative. The pharmacist...

I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire.

He used to be a billionaire.

If Donald Trump gets coal in his stocking...

Is he happy or sad about it?

Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.

One moans to another, 'With how bad my portfolio's been performing lately, I'd have better luck investing in my own failure!'

His companion looks to him and says 'Don't think like that. Failure is not an option.'

How do you measure the value of Chinese philosophy on the stock market?

The Tao-Jones Industrial Average.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats that thing that's common between stock trading and sex?

You should pull out your assets at the right moment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

Why was the stock trader electrocuted?

He shorted Tesla

The stock market is like a guy with IBS

All it takes is one fart to ruin the day.

Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped?

He was invest-Ted.

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

What do you call it when stock traders take over your home?

An investation

I went to my local grocery store to buy some GameStop stock.

But they only sell beef, chicken, and vegetable.

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A retired stock broker moves to the country

He buys a large plot of land and is living by himself for a few months when he gets a knock on the door.
The man answers the door and a large country boy is standing there.

"Muh name is Bubba, I'm your neighbor with the farm across from ya"

The man is excited as he hasn't really ...

I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.

It was a good run.

A man over heard my conversation about GameStop stock and asked me what‘a this fuss all about?

I said, “Do you want the long or the short story?”

Did you hear about the drop in Amazon's stock?

It was caused by rumors of mass fires.

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

What did they name Game of Thrones' first stock exchange?

Investeros

As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock...

...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."

Husband and Wife go to a live stock show...

...and are passing through the bull section when they go up to a bull with a sign that indicates that the bull mated 12 times last year.

The wife says, "Honey, that's at least once a month. See, you could take a lesson from him." The husband doesn't say anything and they keep going to the nex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Someone asked me if I was stocked up...

...on toilet paper and bottled water.

I told them that I had just gotten a bidet, so I’ll be set for both.

What did the stock say to the investor?

Stop stocking me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy is asking his father how he got so rich in the stock market.

The father says, “well son, I do a lot of careful research. I find a stock that is solid, has a lot of promise, has good people behind it, and I take $100 and invest $100 in that stock. Then I take $1000 and short sell that same stock with the $1000.”

The son says, “how does that make any sen...

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

How to tell if a person is a stock market trader or a cuckolding enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'bull'.

My stock portfolio has tripled in value this year

From an initial value of 2 bitcoins, it is now worth 6 bitcoins.

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

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