Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share!

It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?

A man over heard my conversation about GameStop stock and asked me what‘a this fuss all about?

I said, “Do you want the long or the short story?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women hate having sex with people who invested in Gme stock?

They never pull out

I went to my local grocery store to buy some GameStop stock.

But they only sell beef, chicken, and vegetable.

I’m new to the stock market and I’ve been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I’ll explain.

That’s when I tend to buy them.

I started a business that takes stock photos of food

I call it Spaghetti images

With the recent hike in GameStop stocks...

You are able to return something from GameStop and get your money back for the first time.

During this pandemic, I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy is asking his father how he got so rich in the stock market.

The father says, “well son, I do a lot of careful research. I find a stock that is solid, has a lot of promise, has good people behind it, and I take $100 and invest $100 in that stock. Then I take $1000 and short sell that same stock with the $1000.”

The son says, “how does that make any sen...

I called gamestop custsomer service regarding their stocks and was put through after a 30mins wait..

And guess what? They told me to hold.

I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire.

He used to be a billionaire.

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

My roommate has major FOMO that he doesn't have any GameStop stock that he can sell

...so I offered to lend him some, of course he'd have to give it back to me eventually

After 8 months of trial and error, hundreds of hours of YouTube, losing money, almost giving up, I can finally say I made my first $100 trading stocks

Never mind, I'm in the red again.

Secretly found that I can manipulate stock market

Whatever I bought, it went red.

I stocked up on tortilla chips, so I can sell them later.

People are going to need some to eat all of this dip they're buying.

What do you call it when stock traders take over your home?

An investation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

I've been watching my HTZ stock go down.

It really Hertz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think I'm going to lose my driver's license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Ima...

To Non-USA Redditor’s

You all thought trying to enjoy Reddit without enduring US politics was hard?

Welcome to 2021 where we introduce you to our stock market!

How to tell if a person is a stock market trader or a cuckolding enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'bull'.

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

A rich couple was going out for the evening.

The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife did not have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throck...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into an adult toy store.

A man walks into an adult toy store. He is a business man who is arranging to go on a long work trip away from his wife. Afraid that his wife might get sexually frustrated and cheat on him, he has decided to buy her a sex toy to keep her busy while he is away. He walks up to the clerk and asks to be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago.

Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit.

Why did Robinhood steal from the rich?

He actually didn’t he instead limited what the working class could trade in stocks in order for the rich to make money. Disney lied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw an ad from a local store with an upcoming sale for pills to cure premature ejaculation. When I got there they told me they didn’t have them in stock yet.

Seems like I came too early.

Why do panda bears keep buying bamboo?

They just like the stock!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Funniest joke I’ve heard all week

I’m in a stock market group on Kik and one of the guys was talking about how he has over 200 holdings in his portfolio and another guy was like “Damn Frank so diverse LGBTQ made him their mascot.” And I couldn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes. I know it’s pretty corny and low effort but I jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats that thing that's common between stock trading and sex?

You should pull out your assets at the right moment

The stock market crashing last week was worst than a divorce.

Lost half of my money AND the wife is still there.

Did you guys hear about Ke$ha?

She lost all her money on AMC stocks, had to change her name to Ke¢ha.

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

A man takes his wife to the stock show.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.” They proceed to the...

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man comes home to tell his wife

He lost his every thing in the stock market crash and they need to change their lifestyle.
He says to his wife if you learn how to cook we can fire the chef. She replies with if you learn how to fuck we can fire the gardener as well.

Santa won't be the only one coming tonight

although i'll probably stop after the first stocking is full.

Girl, are you a TSLA stock option?

Cause I have no experience, and I want to call you.

My friend was a stock broker but then he stopped

He didn’t find it very investing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This little old Jewish grandma took her precious grandson Michael to the beach. A a giant wave rolled up and washed little Michael into the sea.

Grandma falls to her knees, clasps her hands and looks up to the heavens and screams to God, "Lord, bring back my grandson and I'll be the best person in the world. I'll sell my stocks and give the money to the poor, I'll never say an angry word again. I will keep the Sabbath and pay all my employee...

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

Many people lost everything in the Wall st. crash of 1929.

But some people got out in time. John Raskob was one of these. When asked how he avoided calamity he answered:

I owe it all to my shoe shine boy.

I knew when my shoe shine boy was giving me stock tips it was time to get out of the market.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place.

She excuses herself to go change into something a little more...else. Twenty-some minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says, "On ...

My friend is an honourable, courteous and chivalrous guy. But he hates the stock market. When I asked him why, he said:

Gentlemen prefer bonds.

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday

Everyone will be looking for windows.

Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped?

He was invest-Ted.

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

A socialist, conservative, and a millionaires kid all agree on one thing......

The stock market is rigged against the little guy.

What do the stock market and my ex have in common?

Theyre both doing really well and all my friends are in them except me

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is the stock market like sex?

I should've pulled out much sooner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket asking to buy half a cauliflower.

The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager; so the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, unaware that the customer was following him, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there...

The stock market is like a guy with IBS

All it takes is one fart to ruin the day.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas........

It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....


NAME - Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be a...

I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings

It was called "Accessories To The Crime"

How i made 200k from home during lockdown

So just thought I'd share with you guys my success story, I was made redundant back in March. So there I was 30 years old and not a clue what was going to happen, then out of nowhere I had an opportunity to sell Avon, so there I was 30 years old, male, selling Avon... first month goes by and I make ...

Why are there so many stock photos of 1790’s France?

Because they’re royalty free

Stock check for Charlie!

It's that time of the month for a young lady, so she goes into a drug store looking for pack of her usual brand. She sees that particular shelf is empty, so asks the older woman at the checkout if they have any large Tampax in stock.

The woman replies that they should have inventory back ...

True story from the in-laws.

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.

The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."

The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."

The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."

The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud...

Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!

So yesterday, I ran into this savvy gold investor. He dropped his wallet as I was walking behind him. He didn’t notice so I picked it back up and ran it to him. He then proceeded to thank me profusely and gave me his number so I could get a share if his stocks. Do you wanna know what I said next?

“Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

I'm heavily invested in a depreciating asset and it feels like I'm just flushing my stock away

Does anyone know where I can find more toilet paper?

My friend asked me for a trading technique when I told him I have $100k worth of stock in this bad market.

I said, "Start with $200k".

The stock market is down 30%...

Yo mama must have skipped a meal

After all these years I was finally able to hang my brother

s stocking on the mantle! Happy Holidays!

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

If talking with a woman before dating is like researching a stock before buying

Then dating after a one night stand is inside her trading

The stock market crashed and the bars are closed

this sure feels like the 20s





(from r/showerthoughts)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The people in netherland are stocking up with toilet paper and weed

For shits and giggles.

The oldest joke in the book

Repost of a million people;
Once, there was a baker and a bipedal rabbit.
The rabbit goes into the baker’s shop and asks if they have a carrot cake on stock.
The baker says no.
Later that week, the rabbit goes back and asks if they now have a carrot cake on stock.
The baker still says...

Someone asked me if I was stocked up...

...on toilet paper and bottled water.

I told them that I had just gotten a bidet, so I’ll be set for both.

My wife was so upset when I brought a basket full of cadaver feet home from the morgue the week before Christmas...

I thought they'd make great stocking-stuffers.

Women. I just can't read 'em.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

A priest walks in to his stock broker’s office. When their business is concluded, the broker sighs and says, “Father, I must confess for I have sinned. I once cheated on my wife.” The priest nods his head and says, “there’s nothing I can do here, we will have to step outside.”

Confused, but eager to get it off his chest, the broker leads him to the door. As soon as they pass through the exit, the priest says, “Don’t worry, my son. Say three Hail Marys and don’t do it again.” The broker is relieved, but also curious. “Father, why couldn’t we do this in my office?”
...

My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.

It's just a stocking filler

Why did the stocking take a break from Christmas this year?

He needed to work on his mantel health.

Put a Christmas stocking outside yesterday and found it crusty this morning.

Proof that Santa came last night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.