I've started investing in stocks.

Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four guys are out golfing and as the foresome is about to tee off, one of they guys excuses himself to take a piss. As the other three are waiting for him, they start talking.

The first guy says, "my son is doing so well that he just gave his best friend an entire stock portfolio." Being a very impressive gift, the others obviously have to one-up him.
The second guy says, "well, my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new Mercedes." Ind...

I've put all my money in see-saw stocks.

To be honest they've had their ups and downs.

What’s the only type of food hospitals stock?

Vegetables

We need to keep bump stocks legal...

How else are the blind going to shoot?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The say your last name speaks to your ancestor’s trade or status or of their nature. I put some stock in that so that’s why...

I never let my son play with the Dickinson family next door.

I went to an unpopular drug seller. He told me I couldn't have any drugs cause he was out of stock.

It wasn't a big deal.

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.

She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

The only stock options I have...

... are chicken and beef.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The stock market is like sex.

You just need to know when to pull out.

My stock portfolio has tripled in value this year

From an initial value of 2 bitcoins, it is now worth 6 bitcoins.

I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.

It was a good run.

Why did the stock broker not get upset when his wife divorced him?

Because he’s got lots of options.

What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

I finally got around to buying marijuana stocks. They went down in flames at least as fast as any other pot I have ever bought.

I need a joint

Costco stock was down today more than $6

Nobody bought their shares in bulk.

I put a bull and a bear in a cage to fight.

The stock market crashed shortly after...

I used to be a stock trader when I was a fetus, until my mother was arrested.

For inside her trading.

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

I just bought some Coca Cola stocks.

It's nice to have some liquid assets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

What pen company did Lance Armstrong buy up stock in??

Uniball

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical aftertho...

When Paul was working as a supermarket stock boy,

he noticed that before choosing a melon, shoppers would hold the fruit up to their ears and knock on it. He never knew what they expected to hear, so one day he asked an older gentleman looking over the melons. ‘

Son,’ the man replied, ‘I’'ve been doing this for forty years. All I know is tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

In the stock market today....

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.

It's a great time to invest in retail clothing stock.

Pants and underwear sales in Hawaii are booming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes up to a produce stock boy and says...

"I want half a head of lettuce. Can you do that for me?" The stock boy says, "Just a minute," and heads off the back room. He finds the produce manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Something makes him look back and he sees that the customer has followed him and is st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.

As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses - he can't keep hitting stock brokers while he's got a man of God in the car with him.

They exchange pleasantries and leave...

Where do Italians get their stock photos from?

Spaghetti Images

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

What do you get if you boil funnybones?

A laughing stock.

I like my women how I like my stock images...

Rights free

A recently fired stock trader said:

"This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!" 😩

Stock markets!!!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $ 100 each.


The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $ 100 and as supply s...

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.

You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Commenting on a new post is like investing in the stock market

If the post blows up, you probably get shit loads of karma

Apple Stock

Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China

The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?

Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

What’s the difference between a brick salesperson and a boxer

One stocks rocks and the other rocks socks

Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...

There were no casual tees.

Chicken stock has gone up today,

but only by a poultry sum.

The proper way to manage marijuana stocks.

Buy high sell higher.

I was trying to find some spare RAM sticks in our stock room but I couldn't see any...

Because it was SO-DIMM.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Turk, an American and a Russian are going on a space mission.

They’ll have to stay for a year and observe various space anomalies.

Before they go, they are given the right of picking a stock of something they like for keeping their morale up.

Russian goes for Vodka and he gets 30 bottles of Smirnoff.

American wants some bacon, it’s granted...

Why did Hitler buy stock in Minute Maid?

Because they make 100% Concentrated Juice

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sucessful business man retires

A successful business man in NYC finally decided to retire. After years of making it big in the stock market, years of wild parties, and years of living the city life, he packs up and moves to rural Montana. He's sick of the busy city, so he picks a very remote house in a very secluded rural area. H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are stock traders so good at sex?

Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you.

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

What's the difference between a drummer and publicly traded stock?

Publicly traded stock will mature and make money.

Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down?

Greece.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

Circus stocks are up

Because the clowns sure are making a killing.

Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could lea...

I bought some Bose stocks today.

It was a sound investment.

I tried to invest in the gravy industry

But there wasn't much stock in it.

The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT

invest 10 million into it

PETA is a successful investor

in the laughing stock market.

I asked a pharmacist "do you stock multicoloured tampons?"

"Not since Brexit, they were made for brighter periods."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men...

Once there were three men who walked into an empty clearing in the middle of a huge forest, uncomparable by any means to that of any cluster of trees. However, this clearing had a peculiar item lodged in the ground near the center, a shiny golden lamp. The first of the three men slowly worked on dis...

Husband and Wife go to a live stock show...

...and are passing through the bull section when they go up to a bull with a sign that indicates that the bull mated 12 times last year.

The wife says, "Honey, that's at least once a month. See, you could take a lesson from him." The husband doesn't say anything and they keep going to the nex...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.

Over the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Choosing a Bride . . .

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among the three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and wanted to see what they would do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; bu...

Pull all of your money out of Pepto-Bismol stocks immediately.

There's some real liquidity problems over there.

At first, I was merely a stock trading enthusiast…

…but now I'm fully invested.

What does a stock broker and a gym rat have in common?

NEED MORE GAINS

What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?

Stock-home Syndrome

How does the stock market work?

Cletus and Wade watching the sunset on their tractor have a chat.

Cletus: Wade, I keep hearing on the radio, TV, read in the papers about the stock market but I still have no idea it is. Do you know?

Wade: How should I explain this to you... Let's say you buy some eggs for your farm, ...

What are your favourite jokes that when you say then people sigh from frustration?

My favourite type of jokes are the ones with a stupid answers or just ones that are so bad they are good. Recently I have run out of material so I have turned to reddit to stock up. So tell me your worst and most annoying jokes