If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

I was feeling very lonely one day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock...

...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."

What do you call a ork that works in the live stock department?

Cow-orker.
I'll see myself out

What did they name Game of Thrones' first stock exchange?

Investeros

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

I went to an unpopular drug seller. He told me I couldn't have any drugs cause he was out of stock.

It wasn't a big deal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four guys are out golfing and as the foresome is about to tee off, one of they guys excuses himself to take a piss. As the other three are waiting for him, they start talking.

The first guy says, "my son is doing so well that he just gave his best friend an entire stock portfolio." Being a very impressive gift, the others obviously have to one-up him.
The second guy says, "well, my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new Mercedes." Ind...

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A retired stock broker moves to the country

He buys a large plot of land and is living by himself for a few months when he gets a knock on the door.
The man answers the door and a large country boy is standing there.

"Muh name is Bubba, I'm your neighbor with the farm across from ya"

The man is excited as he hasn't really ...

I've started investing in stocks.

Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

What’s the only type of food hospitals stock?

Vegetables

I've put all my money in see-saw stocks.

To be honest they've had their ups and downs.

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The stock market is like sex.

You just need to know when to pull out.

I finally got around to buying marijuana stocks. They went down in flames at least as fast as any other pot I have ever bought.

I need a joint

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The say your last name speaks to your ancestor’s trade or status or of their nature. I put some stock in that so that’s why...

I never let my son play with the Dickinson family next door.

The only stock options I have...

... are chicken and beef.

My son came up with this joke today. What do you call it when you're counting stock at a Ducati dealership?

Vin-vin-tory

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.

She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

My stock portfolio has tripled in value this year

From an initial value of 2 bitcoins, it is now worth 6 bitcoins.

Why did the stock broker not get upset when his wife divorced him?

Because he’s got lots of options.

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

You need to invest in skylight stocks.

Business is through the roof.

What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big one.

I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.

It was a good run.

Costco stock was down today more than $6

Nobody bought their shares in bulk.

I put a bull and a bear in a cage to fight.

The stock market crashed shortly after...

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

What's a stock broker's favorite band?

Green Day

I used to be a stock trader when I was a fetus, until my mother was arrested.

For inside her trading.

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

I just bought some Coca Cola stocks.

It's nice to have some liquid assets.

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

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Four Men Went Golfing Together

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a fri...

What pen company did Lance Armstrong buy up stock in??

Uniball

Where do Italians get their stock photos from?

Spaghetti Images

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Guy goes up to a produce stock boy and says...

"I want half a head of lettuce. Can you do that for me?" The stock boy says, "Just a minute," and heads off the back room. He finds the produce manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Something makes him look back and he sees that the customer has followed him and is st...

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

In the stock market today....

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.

It's a great time to invest in retail clothing stock.

Pants and underwear sales in Hawaii are booming.

I wanted to invest on some stocks on an obscure Russian airline.

But it crashed too quickly

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A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.

As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses - he can't keep hitting stock brokers while he's got a man of God in the car with him.

They exchange pleasantries and leave...

Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

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I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

I like my women how I like my stock images...

Rights free

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.

You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

Stock markets!!!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $ 100 each.


The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $ 100 and as supply s...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

A recently fired stock trader said:

"This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!" 😩

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Commenting on a new post is like investing in the stock market

If the post blows up, you probably get shit loads of karma

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A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

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There was an investor...

There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works...

The proper way to manage marijuana stocks.

Buy high sell higher.

The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?

Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical aftertho...

Apple Stock

Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China

Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...

There were no casual tees.

Chicken stock has gone up today,

but only by a poultry sum.

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

I was trying to find some spare RAM sticks in our stock room but I couldn't see any...

Because it was SO-DIMM.

What's the difference between a drummer and publicly traded stock?

Publicly traded stock will mature and make money.

Father and his special daughter are driving back to her mom's.

Father drives past a sign "7/11"
Daughter yells with excitement "Hotdog! Ice-creams"
Father says " ok we can get a hotdog"
He stops at the 7/11 walks in with the daughter and she yells to the clerk " Toilet ! Hotdog ice cream!" They clerk quickly hands her the bathroom key as the father che...

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

I bought some Bose stocks today.

It was a sound investment.

Why did Hitler buy stock in Minute Maid?

Because they make 100% Concentrated Juice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are stock traders so good at sex?

Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you.

Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down?

Greece.

An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.

The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said. They go to found out what his future holds.

The fortune teller says, "Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot."

The old man says, "What did she say?"

The old woman says, "NEXT WEEK! YOU ...

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The same...

Circus stocks are up

Because the clowns sure are making a killing.

The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT

invest 10 million into it

A man calls an aquarium factory.

He says, "I understand that you manufacture custom fish tanks of all sizes?"

"That's right."

"Perfect. You see, my company manufactures silicon breast implants. We've found that our products last longer when stored in water. If we had some kind of very large glass storage containers, c...

Husband and Wife go to a live stock show...

...and are passing through the bull section when they go up to a bull with a sign that indicates that the bull mated 12 times last year.

The wife says, "Honey, that's at least once a month. See, you could take a lesson from him." The husband doesn't say anything and they keep going to the nex...

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