Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

My stock career: Started from low

...and ended up lower.

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I saw an ad from a local store with an upcoming sale for pills to cure premature ejaculation. When I got there they told me they didn’t have them in stock yet.

Seems like I came too early.

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.

They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

I’ve recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

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Whats that thing that's common between stock trading and sex?

You should pull out your assets at the right moment

A man takes his wife to the stock show.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.” They proceed to the...

Girl, are you a TSLA stock option?

Cause I have no experience, and I want to call you.

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So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago.

Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit.

Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped?

He was invest-Ted.

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

The stock market is like a guy with IBS

All it takes is one fart to ruin the day.

My friend is an honourable, courteous and chivalrous guy. But he hates the stock market. When I asked him why, he said:

Gentlemen prefer bonds.

The stock market crashing last week was worst than a divorce.

Lost half of my money AND the wife is still there.

After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday

Everyone will be looking for windows.

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

Stock check for Charlie!

It's that time of the month for a young lady, so she goes into a drug store looking for pack of her usual brand. She sees that particular shelf is empty, so asks the older woman at the checkout if they have any large Tampax in stock.

The woman replies that they should have inventory back ...

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How is the stock market like sex?

I should've pulled out much sooner.

Pretty sure it's original, very rough edges type joke. Input welcome.

A man decides to open his own Plant Nursery. After a few months his business starts going under so he goes to apply for a loan
The loan officer goes to the place of business and asks a couple questions
"sir do you have a background in the study of plants?"
"No, I just got this company on a ...

What do the stock market and my ex have in common?

Theyre both doing really well and all my friends are in them except me

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

My Encounter With My Step-Mom

My step mom came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off. So I took off her blouse. She said, “Now off with my skirt.” I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.” And when I did that, she said, “Now my bra and the panties.” I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me...

What’s a great way to make a little money on the stock market?

Start with a lot of money.

I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings

It was called "Accessories To The Crime"

A store manager is doing the rounds one day when he comes upon a new employee talking to a customer

The customer wants a TV, but the employee says they don't have any so the customer walks away.

The manager, annoyed, calls the employee to his office and tells him "We never say no to a customer. Next time, tell him you need to fetch it from the back. Then go buy it from the store next door a...

The stock market crashed and the bars are closed

this sure feels like the 20s





(from r/showerthoughts)

Why are there so many stock photos of 1790’s France?

Because they’re royalty free

The stock market is down 30%...

Yo mama must have skipped a meal

I'm heavily invested in a depreciating asset and it feels like I'm just flushing my stock away

Does anyone know where I can find more toilet paper?

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The people in netherland are stocking up with toilet paper and weed

For shits and giggles.

My friend asked me for a trading technique when I told him I have $100k worth of stock in this bad market.

I said, "Start with $200k".

Someone asked me if I was stocked up...

...on toilet paper and bottled water.

I told them that I had just gotten a bidet, so I’ll be set for both.

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3 Criminals are talking about which one was the craziest.

The first guy talks about how he killed his wife then decapitated her and had sex with her corpse.

The second guy says that that's bad but nothing compared to how crazy he is.

He says he was a mafia boss and killed hundreds of men and stole millions from legitamate people.

The ...

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A man had 3 girlfriends but did not know which one to marry.

As a test, he decided to give each one 5000$ to see how they would spend it.

The first one went and got herself a complete makover and told him, i made myself pretty with the money for you because i love you so much

The second one went and bought him new golf him new golf clubs, clothe...

If talking with a woman before dating is like researching a stock before buying

Then dating after a one night stand is inside her trading

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

Emergency!

The largest condom factory in the States burns down. President Trump is awoken at 4 am by the telephone.


"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the ...

Jack and Jim are busy stocking the aisles at Sams Club...

They're stacking pallets of Lipton's. They're about to put the last pallet on top when the forklift breaks down.
"Oh NO!", Jim exclaims, "How will we get this last pallet on top without killing ourselves?"
"Don't Worry", says Jack," just go pick up one of those disposable Bic's on the sh...

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Did you know Bernie Madoff would have sex with his wife every time he bought a stock?

He was inside-her trading.

So yesterday, I ran into this savvy gold investor. He dropped his wallet as I was walking behind him. He didn’t notice so I picked it back up and ran it to him. He then proceeded to thank me profusely and gave me his number so I could get a share if his stocks. Do you wanna know what I said next?

“Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.”

Buddy Hackett's Duck Joke

A stock broker from New York went out on his first hunting trip alone. After four days in the cold and wet marsh, and after a dozen tries, he finally shot a duck. The duck spiraled down, and landed in a nearby farm.

The new hunter climbed the farm fence, and the farmer came out with a loade...

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It’s a post office workers last day delivering mail.

At each of the houses he gets a little present.

At one house, a lady opens the door only wearing a garter belt and stockings.

She gives the mailman a long kiss, walks him upstairs and gives him a ride to remember.

Afterwards, she makes home a nice lunch and gives him a dollar bi...

I've been investing in stocks recently

Chicken, Beef, Vegetable.....

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire

I bumped into an old school friend the other day.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said “great, I’ve got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.”
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied “I’ve bee...

I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

Why did the stocking take a break from Christmas this year?

He needed to work on his mantel health.

Put a Christmas stocking outside yesterday and found it crusty this morning.

Proof that Santa came last night.

Saucy!?

I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed vodka, gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!

Where can you buy soup in bulk?

The stock market.

God creates Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

Why was the stock trader electrocuted?

He shorted Tesla

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

While interviewing a potential client, the executive switched on his intercom and commanded:

"Get my broker on the telephone."
"Yes, sir", responded his secretary, "stock or pawn?"

A guy came to three guys and told them he is God. They demanded a proof.

Guy claiming to be God: “I can make you turn into whatever you want without you even saying it”

First guy turns to a soccer player, and the street turns to a soccer field with lots of players. Then suddenly he is badly injured by the third guy.

They are suddenly dropped back to the s...

I hated the quarantine at first. Then I realized I have everything I need at my house, and I slowly started loving the isolation.

Probably it’s stock home syndrome.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

How did the poultry farmer become wealthy?

He sold all his chicken stock

Tim lost his job as a stock broker, so he decided to start a new life for himself away from the big city.

On his first day out in the country, Tim wandered into a fishing shop. The shop had a help wanted sign, so Tim asked the owner for a job.

“What do you know about fishing?” the owner asked him.

“Nothing,” Tim replied. “But I used to be a stock broker, so I am sure that I am smart enoug...

I lost everything investing in poultry

That’s what you get for putting your money in chicken stock.

Did you hear about the drop in Amazon's stock?

It was caused by rumors of mass fires.

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

What did the bank say to the government

Bank: Hey government. I need money to pay my workers or we're gonna go out of business.

Government: Hey bank. Sure. I remember you from Harvard, how are you doing?

Bank: Doing great, actually! I remember you too. Frat bros for life. Thanks for the cash.

Government: Frat bros for...

A wonderful uplifting story !!!

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'...

Did you hear about the super model with IBS that committed a fashion faux pas?

Got runs in her stockings.

What did they name Game of Thrones' first stock exchange?

Investeros

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

A man decides to buy a parrot

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.

The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000."

Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high pri...

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I finally lost it with the hoarding!

Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper.

I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself.

He said “Are you done? Cu...

Butler's night off

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at th...

What do you call someone down on their luck who does stock photos?

A poor business model.

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock...

...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

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Anal Deodorant

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"

The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".

"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from her...

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A retired stock broker moves to the country

He buys a large plot of land and is living by himself for a few months when he gets a knock on the door.
The man answers the door and a large country boy is standing there.

"Muh name is Bubba, I'm your neighbor with the farm across from ya"

The man is excited as he hasn't really ...

Pat and Mike the Irishmen are walking down Regent Street...

...when suddenly Pat sees a sign. "Full suit: £25, Shirt: £10, Trousers: £10." He gives Mike a nudge. "Look at that, Mike! Clothes are so cheap here! We should buy this guy out and sell this stuff for a fortune when we get back to Ireland!"

"Great plan!" says Mike. "But if he thinks we're Iri...

A guy was invited to a fancy dress party, and decided to go as Adam...

...So he phoned a costume hire shop and asked to rent a fig leaf. A few days later, the said fig leaf arrived, and he tried it on, but as he was fairly well endowed, it didn't quite cover things up, so he sent it back with a note explaining the situation. A day or so later another, larger, fig lea...

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

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