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Significant Other Jokes

What’s the one gift zoophiles can’t give their significant other of Valentines Day?

Chocolate

What's one thing a sniper cannot say to their significant other?

"I missed you this morning!"

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

What's it called when you set your significant other on fire?

Flambae

I'm starting a service helping people break up with their significant others over dinner

I'm calling it FedEx

What do ghosts call their significant others?

Their boo

There's nothing like cuddling up to your significant other.

Until they ruin it by saying stuff like, "Who are you? How did you get into my house? Get out before I call the cops!"

Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

What does a felon falling from an airplane and a significant other talking down to you have in common?

Condescending

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would your thoughts be if your significant other wanted to work in the adult industry?

I would like to see her try to make a living out of having sex two times a year.

What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other?

Papaya

I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter...

when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--

Whats a great way to get closer with your significant other?

Mix epoxy resin with them. It’ll be a bonding experience.

I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident

I got the fright of my wife.

My significant other purchased a map and handed me a dart and said “Throw this, and wherever it lands we’re taking a trip there after the pandemic ends.”

Turns out we’re spending 2 weeks behind the fridge.

If you make fun of your significant other's love of Hunger Games are you....

Mockin'Bae

Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts...

I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?

Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga.

I like to stay on top of current affairs.

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Rodeo fuck

Ever had a rodeo fuck? Get your significant other on her knees and enter her. Whisper in her ear, "You're not as tight as your sister." Now try and hang on for 8 seconds.

Read This One In Playboy Decades Ago

You older pervs will have heard this one.

So a young couple were out driving late, and got caught in a snowstorm. Wouldn't you know it? The car stalls while they're out in the middle of nowhere, and has to pull over to the side of the road.

The man pops the hood, exits the car & pr...

Rob Thomas

Rob Thomas's significant other complains about needing to do something new with their kitchen counters. He responds with "Let's go to Lowe's. I wanna take you for granite."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - Sad and lonely fruit

What is the feeling people get when they are missing their significant other's boobs?

Melon-choly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.

So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini int...

This man is a genius

There’s a man on a search for a A very specific magic lamp this particular magic lamp grants the person who finds it three wishes like all other magic lamps but it will also grant the persons significant other the same wish times two. After years of searching he finally finds it. Genie appears and t...

Embrace you mistakes

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship.


I suggested she should embrace her mistakes.


She then hugged me.

3 guys camping in the woods

There were 3 guys camping in the woods.

They were talking, andeventually they end up talking about their significant others back home.

The first guy said his girlfriend is happy with him because she always tells him he's hung like a bull.

The second guy laughed and said that's n...

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Evolution of bowel issues

The evolution of communication about stomach issues with your significant other:

Dating: Sorry, I can’t go out. I don’t feel so well tonight.

Engaged: I need to stay home honey. My tummy hurts.

Newlyweds: Ohhh. I don’t think that food agreed with me. I’m not feeling so well. Ta...

Why do cows huddle together when it rains?

To keep each udder dry


Courtesy of my significant other

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Three guys are at the airport...

Three guys are at the airport, Bill, Peter, and Jack. Each one of them is there to send his boyfriend off on a flight to the neighbouring state. All three significant others board the flight, but as it is taking off it catches fire and smashes into the ground killing everybody on it. So after the fl...

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3 friends on a cruise

*I didn't come up with this joke, I just think it's funny*



John, George, and Jimmy are three old friends from college. They decide to enjoy a cruise because they haven't seen each other in a long time.

Each friend and their significant other board the cruise liner bound for th...

A woman died and got to heaven...

She suddenly appears in a big room full where the walls were covered in clocks, each one with a name on it.

She sees God and asks him "What are all of these clocks for?"

He answers "Each clock represents a member of your family. Every time he/she cheats on their significant other the h...

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A Frenchman and an American are drinking on vacation and get into an argument over who is a better lover...

...so they agree to settle the debate with a contest: who can make love more times that night with their significant other.

The American and his girlfriend make their way back to their hotel room, he immediately proceeds to rip off his gf's clothes and have sex with her - and tallies a mark ...

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A dictator takes over a village...

He says, "Everyone who is not in a relationship, you are free to go. As for everyone else, stay here." The people do what he says.

The dictator continues, "All the men, get in a line and get naked, all of the women, get a blindfold." The townspeople follow procedure.

The dictator then...

My most established grimy joke, From my granddad around the pit fire

An old couple gets pulled over and...
Woman cop - "May I see you permit and enlistment sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old spouse - "She needs to see you permit and enlistment dear."
The old man hands it to the woman cop and...
Woman cop - "Gracious, I see you are from N...

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There once was a man who’s lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.

As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to eve...

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