My grandma always said, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Lovely woman. Unfortunately she died in a fire.

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What does a steady job and a blowjob have in common?

I recieved both of them from my manager

Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

I worked in a German factory for a few years.

I worked in a German factory a couple of years back.
So one day I was doing my usual inspection and I noticed that one of the lights in the factory had stopped working.
Being helpful, I decided that I would go up and fix it.

I didn't have a ladder so I called to another worker "hey Ha...

A man in his 60s goes to see the doctor.

I have the jitters, he explains to the doctor, can barely keep a steady hand. What do you drink, asks the doc. Anything you have available, the man answers. No, the doctor interrupts. I mean, do you drink a lot of alcohol? The patient thinks for a sec and then says: No, not a lot. I usually spill mo...

Once in a small town, a man got a paralysis attack.

The doctor said he could possibly be bedridden for a long time. The expenses of the hospitalization put him and his wife in a bit of tension. Their son still had his entire life left in front of him. The son also looked very sad and scared.

The doctor, sympathized, and gave the son a lotto ti...

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A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

How was Bill Clinton able to maintain a steady surplus during his presidency?

He had a great Al Gore rhythm.

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On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she w...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

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I posted myself drawing a perfect freehand ellipse on r/gifs. Everyone loved it and started trying themselves. We were all complimenting each others steady hands, when one guy commented, "circle jerk!".

"What an idiot", I thought and replied, "oval, you moron!"

A man walks into a bar. (long)

Every night on the way home from work, a man visits his favorite bar and orders six shots of whiskey. He quietly sits at the bar, drinks each shot and heads home,

One night, the guy drinks his six shots and then tells the bartender that he's had the worst week of his life and today was the w...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

This years Olympics in Rio is going to be one of the most steady and relaxing Games in history

No one will be Russian.

I can't keep a steady job!

I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn’t hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler fact...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packe...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

Now I understand why the British population was on a steady decline these past few years...

Brits are really good at pulling out.

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Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race.

But Fast and Furious killed Paul Walker.

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

Desperate to survive, the leather worker searches the island for food to eat. Luckily, he finds a herd of docile cows on the island. He successfully hunts one of the cows and skillfully cleans and prepares the cow's skin and meat for himself...

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I asked a nun friend of mine if I could kiss her ...

She said yes.

A few days later, she let me kiss her again.

The next time I saw her, I asked if I could french kiss her.

She hesitated, then said "Well, okay" so we frenched and it was amazing.

After that, I asked if I could french her again, and maybe touch her.

...

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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

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Up in the air

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off.

On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D and million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster...

Blonde Goes Horse Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse'...

I just got out of a relationship with a girl who had Parkinson’s

The relationship wasn’t very steady but the handjobs were great!

An old man was shaving at his house

An 90 year old man was attempting to shave his beard at his house with a razor. His hands weren’t quite as steady as they used to be and his skin had gotten a bit wrinkly in his old age. Consequently, the old man was constantly cutting himself while shaving. One day he decided to go to the barbersh...

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A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozi...

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A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

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So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We...

One time a lady walked up to me and asked me about my relationship with God

I politely responded "Well Jesus and I were going steady for a while but we broke up. One day I came home from work and he was spread out and being nailed by a bunch of Romans, so I had to break it off, he tried to hang in there but our relationship was dead a few days later."

A priest is hiring...

A priest is looking to hire someone to ring the bell tower before services. He is approached by a man with no arms.

"I'm here to apply for the bell job," he says.
"I don't mean to offend you, but how can you ring the bell with no arms?" replied the priest.
"Just take me to the top...

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A guy at a golf course meets another guy with a big silver case......

..curious, he asks his new friend what’s in there.
“I’m a high end assassin, this is my rifle, I charge £5,000 per bullet”
“Wow can I see?”
So the assassin hands the guy the super powerful scope and says “see what you think”
As he looks through the scope he sees his house “wow this is g...

A Texas Biologist

A Texas biologist, who discovered that the life of a porpoise could be prolonged indefinitely if it were fed a steady diet of seagulls, has been arrested at the Louisiana border. He faces charges of transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

They call me The Tripod

Her: So why do they call you 'Tripod'?

Me: Let me unzip this and show you...

*opens camera case and takes really steady photo*

Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants througho...

All alone

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord w...

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

David Beckham decides to go horse riding

Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in...

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

A mother and father named their child "Odd".

Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.


In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He...

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Once upon a time, there was a wasp.

Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belo...

A traveler had came into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel.

The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.

He was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store: WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

He looks at his camel and decides to give...

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Ian's struggling with his vocabulary, so his teacher gives him a word each morning to use in a sentence.

Today, due to Ian's steady improvement the teacher decides to up the game. "Ian the word i have for you today is contagious, you have until the end of the day." Five minutes before final bell the teacher calls Ian in front of the class. Ian struts up confidently. "Well miss, I didn't even need the w...

There are three kingdoms, one on each side of a roughly triangular lake...

One of the kingdoms is marvelous, almost every house build lavishly, the royal castle made of gold, protected by an army of shining, masterful knights. This gold kingdom is the most wealthy of the three.

One of the kingdoms is modestly wealthy, each house built to last and the castle a beauti...

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald”, he said sternly. “This is no place for a membe...

If you miss your ex

Steady aim, control breathing, and fire again

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[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink...

The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat. The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he's kind of a fuck-up. Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar.

Dave says, "Man, I'm sorry we haven't ...

[Haiku] My aunt always said,

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.



(Credit: Bob Burnham
Thanks to DiedWhileDictating for telling me about an earlier typo regarding this post)

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I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.<...

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Oka...

A blonde is on break from college and needs some spending money...

...so she goes around town knocking on doors looking for work. She comes to a sizeable house in a wealthy neighborhood and knocks. An older gentleman answers.
"Sir, I'm on college break and desperately need some extra money, are there any jobs you might need done around the house?"
The man t...

My Father-In-Law ,who is turning 90, told me this joke. I couldn't believe it.

A girl was picking fruit in an orchard. The fruit she wanted was so high up she need to climb a ladder to get it. Because the ladder was not steady she asked a man if he would be a gentleman and brace the ladder while she climbed it, and he agreed. When she made it to the top she looked down and ...

There's a French spy, a Russian spy, and an Italian spy...

who are assigned to work as a team. On a particular mission, they are captured, blindfolded, and are placed in a cell together.

A man tells the spies that they will be tortured until they confess everything they know.

The Frenchman is called out first. He is put on a chair, his hands t...

A man returns home from a night out at the bar and is quite inebriated

He is trying to get into his house but can't seem to get the keys into the keyhole.

Meanwhile, a stranger passes by and asks the man if he can help him unlock his door.

The man replies, "No, you just hold the house steady and I'll insert the keys."

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So a man gets shanghaied by pirates...

So a man gets shanghaied by pirates, and they put him to work. Life isn't bad for him, steady work a cut of the booty, but after the third day, he starts to feel uncomfortable, having had a healthy sex life back home, and if not with women, he at least could wank one out if the going got tough, but ...

A quick math question

Alright, so here's quick math question for ya:

So there's two trains. The first train is traveling at *exactly* 90 miles per hour from Plotopia heading due west. There is a clown standing atop it. He is holding a grenade. (And yes, his billowing pants and rainbow-dyed afro-wig *are* affecting...

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The miracle of alcohol

An Irishman promises his wife that he will quit drinking. All goes well for about three weeks. One night, his friends invite him to join them at the pub.

"Ya don't have to drink at all. Just trade some stories with the boys."

The Irishman agrees to stay for a little while. After an hou...

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The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.

The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son...

Grandpa told me this one last night at dinner

A lawyer is driving down the quiet country road and is approaching a stop sign. The road is completely devoid of people or other drivers, so the lawyer just slows down a bit to be safe, but otherwise drives through the intersection.

Suddenly a siren goes off and seemingly out of nowhere a po...

Darth Vader decides that being a Sith lord isn't lucrative enough....

Too much money funneled into replacement deathstars, storm trooper wages and empire taxes.

He decides that in order to retire comfortably he needs to find a steady well paid job.

He goes out and tries his hand at baking, banking, and various other occupations. Finally he settles on c...

A doctor and a lawyer collide in traffic

During the afternoon commute, a doctor and a lawyer collide, and go hurtling off the road into the ditch. Both emerge unhurt but badly shaken up.
The lawyer says, "Are you okay?"
The badly rattled doctor replies, "Yes, I think so. I'm a doctor & I can tell nothing's broken."
The l...

A man is lost in the back roads of Vermont when he collides with a local at the intersection...

He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.
"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Why don't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed the jug from his battered pickup, removed the stopper and handed it to the tourist.
After taking a good slug, the to...

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while th...

Jared Fogle is going to prison.

It looks as if his steady diet of footlongs will continue

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Spider Webs

There was once a young biologist who was researching the eating patterns of spiders. There wasn't much demand for biologists in his local area so he worked as a taxi driver by day, it was a steady job but there was long hours and pay wasn't very good. He spent his nights collecting spiders and bugs ...

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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

A Dad finds out his Son has a new girlfriend...

He calls his Son upstairs to his bedroom and asks him to sit down.
The father says, in a very steady tone,

"Son, let me tell you a story.
There was once a dog who used to live at a train station. One day, the dog fell asleep by the railroad tracks and left his tail on one of the tracks...

The Pickup Artist

Ted is sitting at the bar, chatting with the bartender. It's a good night, not too crowded, but a steady stream of customers. The door opens and a homely guy walks in. He takes a seat at the other end of the bar, orders a beer, and sits there sipping it.

The bartender walks back, and Ted sa...

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Three doctors enter bar

Three doctors enter the bar.
All drink a lot.
First one is Pediatrician.
Next Podiatrist
And the Psychiatrist.

All get up together
and go to pee

There are three urinals
all by side.

Pediatrician pees with start and stop
Podiatrist does a steady piss.
But ...

Are Computers Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this...

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Armless Man (NSFW-Language)

A man with no arms walks into a restroom. He approaches a urinal and turns to a man using the urinal next to him.
"Excuse me sir?"
"Yeah?"
"As you can see I have no arms, so I was wondering if you could undo my zipper?"
The man is shocked, but takes pity on the armless man, and agrees. ...

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A man and a woman were in the honeymoon suite after their wedding.

The man had started reading an incredible book a few days before the wedding, so instead of having sex, he was intent on reading.

Understandably unhappy, his new wife decided that she would go to sleep with the expectation of having sex in the morning.

After drifting off to sleep, the ...

True happiness

Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.

The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to...

Dinner with the parents

A young man began to go steady with a girl who he had been dating for several months. She decided it was time for him to meet her parents and invited him over for dinner that night. Deciding that he may get a chance to get lucky that night, he stopped at the pharmacy to pick up condoms before he w...

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The Magician & the Parrot

There once was a street magician who performed magic with cards, rings and many more items in his arsenal of tricks. One day he was approached by a well dressed man who offered him a steady job upon a cruise ship. The street magician eagerly accepted this opportunity and began performing his in the ...

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