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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a doctor.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long wil...

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a fi...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

There once was a young engineer, who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He...

Are there several ways to abbreviate Maine?

Or is it just me

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A scientist with a cage is running down a street when he bumped into someone. The cage fell and several Labrador puppies fell out.

He yells at the guy, "Watch out, those are my fucking Lab results!"

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

A con man is arrested for conning several women out of their jewelry.

The sheriff's prison is full and doesn't have the budget to hold him anywhere else so that weekend he ties the man to a pole and creates two lines. In one line citizens pay a dollar to punch him in the face, in the other they pay five dollars to kick him in the balls. 
On the final day one guy pa...

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

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There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

My girlfriend has been ignoring my attempts to communicate with her. I think she has been ghosting me for several weeks now all because I asked her to send nudes.

So I said screw it, I’m done trying to communicate and threw out my Ouija board.

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A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she

noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on

account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She

moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. S...

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

I broke several word records today.

In other news, I am no longer welcome in the library.

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm

He knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is yerpa home?" The farmer asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." <...

Why is it prohibited to feed eagles in several countries?

Because it would be ill-eagle

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A man dies and goes to hell. Satan tells the man he will need to choose a room from several options.

In the first room, people are being burned in fierce flames.

\- Oh this is not for me, says the man.

In second room everyone is being whipped and beaten horribly with spiked tools.

\- Nah, this is not for me either, sorry.

Satan shows him the last room, and the man sees a...

I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee.

I guess it was a joint operation.

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Several years after having kids, two guys are sitting in a bar and one finally gets the courage to ask the other why he's Anti-Vax.

The Anti-Vaxxer takes only a second to look around the bar, making sure no one can hear, and finally leans in real close and says:

"I'm not, my kid's just a fuckin' dickhead."

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft...

...The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. T...

George Lucas announced that he'd like to make several changes to The Phantom Menace.

But I say let's let Qui-gons be Qui-gons.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

-Santa's sleigh was hit by a car. Several deers died. What is left?

-The remaindeer

What do you call several rabbits in a line walking backwards?

A receding hare-line

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Several thousand letters were just delivered to me

That's the last time I order a fucking dictionary from IKEA.

I prevented several horrible crimes today.

Good old self-control.

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lo...

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A woman had been seeing a psychiatrist for several sessions.

At the end of one of them, she said to the shrink, "I have a question that's been bugging me for weeks."

The psychiatrist said, "What do you need to know?"

The woman replied, "You have been talking about phallic symbols. What's a phallus?"

The psychiatrist was take aback by the...

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

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It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

It's a sad day. After several years of medical training & hard work, a friend of mine has been struck off after just 1 minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and is now barred from his profession. An utter waste of training and money.

He's a genuinely nice guy too, and an excellent vet

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Several researchers began a study on linguistics,

Relating to common speech patterns.

The scientists running the study gathered up 10 average people, to take notes and research how the spoke in every day Life.

All the participants we're fitted with microphones that they were to wear around, so their vernacular could be recorded and ...

several people were flying on a plane: a kid, a suicide bomber, the smartest man in the world, and the dumbest man in the world.

Suddenly, the pilot came running to the back and yelled “The plane is going down and we only have 4 parachutes but 5 people.” With this, the pilot took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The 4 passengers all look at each other then begin a mad scramble for a parachute. Then, all 4 leap...

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

A corrupt politician manages to sneak a number of loopholes in to a new law that gave him ownership of several hotels in Seville and Valencia

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl...

Today I learned the fame of Albert Einstein pales in comparison to his brother whose work in cellular regeneration has been the subject of many books and several movies.

His name was Frank.

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

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A guy is staying at a bed and breakfast for several weeks.

The bed and breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning. The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning and he even extended his stay at the bed and breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazi...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.



As they passed a barnyard of cows, goats and pigs,

the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"



"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

I hate it when people use the average of several data points to represent their data.

It’s just mean.

Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning

He’s remarkable

A recently widowed woman is entertaining several guests at a dinner party.

She leads them on a tour of the house, and eventually they come to her late husbands study. There’s a giant taxidermy great white shark on the wall.

“Do tell me the story of the shark,” asks a guest.

“Before my husband died, he and I were deep sea fishing off the coast of Peru. We foug...

Accordion to several scientific reports and surveys,

When replacing words with instruments they tend to go unnoticed.

Harper Lee made her own alcohol several decades ago, researchers found out it's called

Tequila Mockingbird.

What do you call a condom that is shared by several people?

A condominium.

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

I had an unrealistic dream about having several thousand dollars last night

Turns out it was two grand.

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After killing himself and several others, a suicide bomber is given 72 virgins to use as he pleases.

When the suicide bomber arrives, he notices that they're all on laptops. He finds this strange, and asks one what they're doing. The virgin responds, "We're playing Fortnite. Wanna join?"

It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it

Im not capable of making dad jokes

A married couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and they both sat, steaming at an impasse.

He gripped the steering wheel right as she stared out the window. As they passed a farm, the wife notices several cows and a bull on a hillside pasture, and couldn’t help but break the silence as she poi...

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child su...

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled to dozens of countries and learned to speak several languages?

He was a man of many cultures.

A police officer comes across several vultures grouped together.

He gets closer to see what they're doing. It's obvious that they're eating a dead animal. The officer says, "sorry, carry on" and goes on his way.

A traveler had came into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel.

The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.

He was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store: WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

He looks at his camel and decides to give...

“Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places”

Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms....

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working o...

A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them.

After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know ...

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A man wakes up in a hospital surrounded by several frantic doctors and 1 female nurse leaning over him

She notices he has gained consciousness and says to him "you may not feel anything below the waist".

He responds: "Ok. Can I feel your boobs then?"

Did you hear what happened to that NFL player that murdered several people?

He was suspended.

A man finishes several hours of drinking at a bar...

He gets up to leave and collapses to the ground.
Thinks to himself "boy, I'm really trashed".
Crawls his way to the door, tries to stand up outside, boom, falls down again.
"Man, I really drank too much this time".
Drags himself down the street to his house, tries to stand up and...

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

The Judge asked "First time offender?"

She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

A woman lost so much menstrual blood she ended up unconscious for several weeks in a hospital.

I hate it when I intend a period but end up with a coma.

My wife told me her period was lasting several days longer than normal. I said,

Sounds more like an ellipsis...

What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash?

The superior race

After asking several other people, a flight attendant walks up and asks a man a question [NSFW]

Flight attendant: Sir, would you like some headphones?

Man: Yes I would! How did you know my name was phones?

A man showed up at the hospital with several toy horses in his ass.

The doctor described his condition as stable.

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A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas strip for several months.

Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.

They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches sta...

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My therapist said some exercises would add me several years...

and he was right. I've made 15 push-ups right now and I feel like I'm 85 years old.

What do you call several hundred Native Americans without nipples?

The Indian Nippleless 500

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works.

She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the...

I should have gotten LASIK several years ago

But I guess hindsight is 20/20

What do you call someone who keeps trying to catch your interest even though you already said you're not interested several times?

Windows 10.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

A man was held as a prisoner of war for several months

He was tortured for information, and every time he would refuse, they would slice off his extremities. They started with his fingers and when those were gone, they began to work on his feet.

When the camp he was at was raided and overtaken, he saw his old commander walk in, a flood of joy and...

There are several types of vests designed to protect a person...

There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a per...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years.

One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.

The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.

The manager turned him down.

The bag boy said, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?"

Th...

TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's.

Apparently they opposed integration.

A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years.

The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.

“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.

“That’s my house,” says the castaway.

“What’s the second hut for?”

“That’s my church.”

“And the third hut?”

“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the...

Several deranged individuals were caught attempting to scale the White House fence today...

Fortunately they were caught before they were able to reach the street.

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals

to increase their diversity...
... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would no...

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year...

... at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spen...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket

"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated.

"But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet." the man replied.

"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the p...

A bartender notices a hideous man at the bar surrounded by several hot women...

...the bartender said to him, "please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've seen. In fact, you are quite ugly. Now normally, I would think tha...

Several toilets were stolen last night.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

I once knew a woman that dated several knights at once

Polyarmory.

Several fonts walk into a bar.

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here.”

You know how some dogs turn around several times before lying down and going to sleep?

They must be watch dogs. That's how they unwind.

What is the difference between the American Revolutionary War and several cows being launched into space?

One was the shot heard around the world and the other is a herd shot around the world.

I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today...

When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares"

A kid pokes his dad with a ruler several times.

Angrily, the dad asks him what he is doing.
The boy says, "measuring your patience."

After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz.

Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody.

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