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Major Jokes

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...
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How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is
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How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
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"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major"

"There is a Men's Studies major, its called history"
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What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn
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Why are the majority of archeologists women?

They have a natural ability to dig up the past.
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A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words...

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.
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What's the difference between a guy with an Arts Major, and a guy with a Philosophy Major?

One will ask WHY you want fries with that!
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There's a major traffic jam all through DC

All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major te...
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major...

...found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothe...

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his wife was rooted to the spot.

She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with...
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A Major and a Priest wake up...

A Major and a Priest wake up hungover and butt naked in a bush. After getting up, a group of people walk past them. The Priest quckly coveres his private parts with his hands. Meanwhile, the Major only covers his face. After the people are gone, the priest is upset and asks the major why he didn't c...

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU
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What was Spider Man's major in college?

Web Design.
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Why don't calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.
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A court hearing about theft in a major company.

**Judge**: Witness Sawyer, are you aware what awaits you in case of false testimony?

**Secretary**: Yes, Your Honor, the boss was saying something about ten thousand dollars and a mink furcoat.
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.
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I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist

and worse… she can prove it.
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My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.
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A major difference between men and women

is if a woman says "Sniff this." it usually smells nice.
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I wanted to major in reverse psychology.

My dream school turned me down.

So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.
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I have issues with the central dogmas of the major abrahamic religions.

But I have no beef with hindus.
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What's the difference between a homeless person and an art major?

About $4.32 in change.
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My wife says I have two major flaws

One is that I never listen when she talks to me, and two was something else.
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What's the difference between a social media influencer and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major needed a degree to be useless.
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The majority of elderly Bulgarians keep their savings in Euro

Some of them - in two Euros
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Trump is going to make soon a major announcement

Meet us again at Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot
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A week after the G7 Summit, they should have the C Major Summit

That would resolve everything.
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Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.
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It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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Two major banks from Mexico and America are merging next month

They're calling the new company CapitalJuan
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Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it...
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Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men?

It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.
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Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...
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I had a major breakthrough while on the toilet at work today.

Really wish they'd buy thicker TP.
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This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the f...
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Them: what did you major in? Me: calligraphy

Them: why did you get such a useless degree?

Me: it was cheaper than an mba from from Harvard.

Them: so ? It’s a worthless degree, you would have made more money if you showed up to a job interview with a degree from Harvard.

Me: look, I can show up to a job interview with a deg...
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A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.

How do psychology majors get depression?

Like dude, just look at your notes.
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A Major Prostitution Bust

A major raid on prostitution in town, netted so many prostitutes, that they had to be lined up, outside the police station, and around the block.

An elderly grandmother, waiting at a nearby bus stop, notices her granddaughter in line.

Grandmother: "Oh Sweetie, you're not in some kin...

Yet another art major joke

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, here's an art joke. How do you get an art major off your front porch? You pay for the pizza!" the bartender jests. "Oh, very funny. I'll have you know that now that I have my fine arts degree I don't have to deliver to people anymore. In fact, peop...
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If Major Tom flies really high up, what would you call someone very deep beneath the ground?

Miner Tom
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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
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C major (one of the popular scales) is chatting with a fellow partygoer when D major walks in.

C major is a friend, so she decides to pay her a compliment.

"You look sharp!", she says.

"Thanks! I love the natural look!"

At this, the lady scale she was chatting with leaves, flustered.

"Who was that?", D major asks, confused.

"Oh, Just Bb major. Can't take a j...
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Why do frat boys major in dental health?

Because they wanna see what that mouth do
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Whoever named the Fleshlight missed a major opportunity

We should have called them Jackinlanterns
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The Music Major

A student has a music major final due, he must compose a symphony.

Out of time, he decides to go to the library to find sheet music and simply write it backwards and submit it as his own. He looks through the stacks and finds one from his very professor when he was a student. He copies it do...
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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

A Major of the 18th battalion has been convicted in court

He didn't receive corporal punishment
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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

 

Although Hillary was vague a...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...
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How to troll a Communications major

You: So what's your major?

Them: Communications.

You: What? (as though you didn't hear them)

Them: Communications.

You: What?

*Repeat until they realize what you're doing and hit you.*
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A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in

"I want to be a history major," he says.

The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"
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Three engineering majors

Three engineering majors were discussing who designed the human body.

The first one said "It had to be a mechanical engineer; the body has hundreds of joints."

The second one says "It had to be an electrical engineer; the nervous system has thousands of electrical connections."

...
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Some porn actors are like major Hollywood stars.

They receive backend revenue for their films.

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...
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Why are the majority of toilets white?

Because it’s the American Standard.
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Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl
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BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches
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One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...
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My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".
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Today my boyfriend told me that honesty is a major turn on for him

Big if true.
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Always invite the math major to the party.

They are a great addition.
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Major airlines are cancelling flights as staff call in sick.

If I was in charge, none of their excuses would fly.
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I asked my friend what was his major to which he replied, "archaeology"

And I said, "then you have a career in ruins"
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A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.
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It turns out I was guilty of a major misconception with this whole abortion thing

I thought "Row vs Wade" was a decision shipwreck survivors had to make
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A person with a four year degree majoring in history walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
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I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.
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At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.
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A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...
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Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"
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The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.
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Cannibalism would solve 2 major problems.

World hunger and overpopulation.
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Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
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To all the philosophy majors out there...

Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?
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iPhones map app has major problems

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.
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In this family, I am the General, and my wife is the Major

Because my wife makes all the major decisions, while I decide on the general ones.
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What subject did Dracula major in during college?

AcCOUNTing

This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.
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What does this sub have in common with the majority of men?

Neither seem to understand the definition of Long
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WWII Army Major walks into the medical wing.

He approaches the first bunk

Major: Why are you here Soldier?

Soldier: Syphilis Sir!

Major: How are they treating it Soldier?

Soldier: 5 minutes a day with a wire brush Sir!

Major: What is your ambition Soldier?

Soldier: To get back to the front lines Sir!<...

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?
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I vandalized an art major's car today.

Removing pizza delivery signs is surprisingly easy.
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What’s the best part about majoring in philosophy?

You get to ask people why they want fries with that
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A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...
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Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!
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I got some major amputations before getting on a plane.

I didn’t want to be armed going through TSA.
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A Chemistry major explains hell to his professor..

Question in the exam paper :
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the followin...
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As a stats major I'm ashamed to say I've never done any programming

But I still excel in my field!
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What did the Art Major say to the Other Majors?

I'll paint your reactions when your Jobs are Automated if you buy me dinner!
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Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake
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A sergeant major, an mp, and a chaplain are at a post.

The sergeant major points to the chaplain, he says to the E2 newly enlisted Military Police officer, see that chaplain over there? Yes, said the MP. The sergeant major said "arrest him, hes wearing headphones at post". The mp puts the chaplain in cuffs and reads him his rights before stopping and st...
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What's the major difference between wives and husbands who are trying to have children?

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child. Husbands want to videotape the conception.
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So I had a one night stand with C-major.

The next morning, I woke up to the horrifying realization that she's A-minor.
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damn girl Are you a forestry major

Cause I wanna take a DBH measurement
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All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel
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For the English majors

I'd rather cuddle, then have sex.

The IRS has made a major announcement.

All Marijuana Dealers must file a joint tax return.
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...
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One evening, an Army Major Arrived at a Base

Feeling hungry, he went to the Officers' Club for supper. He sat at the bar and asked the waiter.

"What's good here, Soldier?"

The waiter snapped to attention, "Discipline, Sir!"

(This is supposedly a true story.)
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The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.

First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."

Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."

The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.

So O'Brien explain...
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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

For the English majors

A guy’s arm is hurting so he goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor, “Doc, my arm is hurting real bad.” So the doctor says, ”Roll up your sleeve and let me take a look at it. ” The man does and his arm says, ”Doc, can you loan me twenty bucks”? The doctor tells the man to roll his sleeve down and s...
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A man walks into an army base and kills a lieutenant, a private, and two generals

There were no Major causalties
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What is the major problem with communism?

I see a lot of red flags.
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In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...
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You can now major in Marijuana at some universities

Guess grades are going to be a little higher this semester!
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A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady ...

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