I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

What's the difference between an English Major and a Pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

What’s the difference between an art major and a homeless man.

About 5 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A majority of men enjoy sex “doggy style”

Shame that no one has surveyed the dogs

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

Did you hear Gaston from Beauty and the Beast won a major award?

He won the No Belle Prize.

What did the Ethics Professor say to the Art Major?

You have to draw the line somewhere!

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

damn girl Are you a forestry major

Cause I wanna take a DBH measurement

R. Kelly certainly released some major bangers throughout his career

Its the minor banging that was the issue.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

The IRS has made a major announcement.

All Marijuana Dealers must file a joint tax return.

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

Why don't Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive

News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Why do musicians always listen to music in C major while driving in roads?

To avoid accidentals.

The Chinese invented two major components of American schools.

Paper and gunpowder.

If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane...

Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

What is the major problem with communism?

I see a lot of red flags.

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What do assholes major in?

Analytics.

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

How come HIV isn't a major cause of depression?

Because it's not that hard to stay positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

Cannibalism would solve 2 major problems.

World hunger and overpopulation.

Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving.

As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known ...

For the English majors

A guy’s arm is hurting so he goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor, “Doc, my arm is hurting real bad.” So the doctor says, ”Roll up your sleeve and let me take a look at it. ” The man does and his arm says, ”Doc, can you loan me twenty bucks”? The doctor tells the man to roll his sleeve down and s...

Them: what did you major in? Me: calligraphy

Them: why did you get such a useless degree?

Me: it was cheaper than an mba from from Harvard.

Them: so ? It’s a worthless degree, you would have made more money if you showed up to a job interview with a degree from Harvard.

Me: look, I can show up to a job interview with a deg...

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

Wow, you didn't enlist in the military? That's because you're already a Major.

A Major disappointment.

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

I used to have major ego problem

But since I got rid of if I'm pretty much perfect

Gandhi was a well-traveled man..

Unfortunately, the majority of these travels were taken on foot, causing his feet to build up an incredible amount of hardened skin

To make things worse, his minimalist diet (and eventually his age) led him to become very frail.

In light of this, he still offered a surplus of insight t...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

A Chinese man lost both of his horses which were major source of his income.

He was unstable.

Scientists in NY have made a major breakthrough with curing the Epstein-Barr virus.

New research suggests that half of the problem might go away on its own if you leave it alone in its jail cell.

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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

My barista told me he wants to major in advertising when he goes to college

I thought it was a great idea, it'll help him sell more coffee.

Why does no major gaming company make an Indiana Jones game?

Because no one would pay 60$ for an Indie game.

Obesity causes a major public health concern.

There’s a growing body of literature on that.

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

Why did the frat guy want to major in anatomy?

He thought he would get to study abroad

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"

The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a dra...

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Old man goes to doctor

A 90 year old man goes to doctor and says "I have two major problems". " Well I'm listening" replies the doctor. "First of all I'm having sex every day, but back in days I was able to do 2 or 3 times a day"..
"Well still very impressive sir and what is the other problem"??


"I am a pa...

A Sergeant-Major asks his platoon whether any of them are interested in music

When four hands go up, the Sergeant-Major says "Right, lads! You can carry this grand piano up to the officers' mess."

What's a music major frat boy's favorite composer?

Debussy

What do you call a doctor that finishes bottom of their class?

Doctor.

For major decisions always get a second opinion!

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the...

What did the liberal arts major say to the engineering grad?

Do you want fries with that?

An old man was explaining to his grandson about major things that happened in his life.

“Now most people associate salsa as a Mexican condiment”, he said. “But actually we loved mayonnaise”. “Wow!”, said the boy. “Most people don’t know that in 1912 after docking in New York, the titanic’s next stop was the eastern shores of Mexico. And below the deck was 15 tons of mayo. As we all kno...

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

I studied Bears in college

I was an Ursa Major.

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

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Why did A Major go to jail?

Cuz he fucked A minor.

What do you call a majority of the market share in the north east?

You have a MAINEopoly

So I had a one night stand with C-major.

The next morning, I woke up to the horrifying realization that she's A-minor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

My art major friend was told the other day, a true artist should please no one but themselves

besides of course, their Starbucks managers

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.



“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were ...

Two music jokes

Why can't you have soda in F major? Because it would B flat!

Why doesn't D major need glasses? It can C sharp!

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major will ask *why* you want fries with your Big Mac.

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

There are 4 major types of people in this world.

Those that can count and those that can't.

Which actor could have majored as an English professor?

Kelsey Grammer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Although I wouldn't say it's a major character flaw,

my premature ejaculation is certainly a shortcominng.

One thing I know is that a computer science major didn't name the original pokemon.

Otherwise, charmander would evolve into stringmander.

In Star Wars Legends, Rey discovers an unusual force ability...

...this allows her to turn as dark as the night like a shadow and even become the shadows of others, useful for creeping up on enemies. The First Order Stormtroopers spoke about this amazing power having heard about it from a commanding officer Rey fought with the force. "Sir was spun around and kno...

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

I used to have a major fear of speedbumps...

Now I'm slowly getting over it.

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa?

She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating.

TIL that the majority of car companies make cell phones,

Except for Dodge, they just make Chargers.

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and ever...

I asked a math major freshman friend this morning, "So what's your four-year plan in college?"

ohhh you mean my Four-Year Transform or Four-Year Series?

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

What do you do with a philosophy major?

Think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300.

I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.

Why don't catholic priests like the Army?

Because there are only majors there.

A Soviet era joke

While General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev is making a speech, a few men in the audience are arrested who turn out to be American spies.

"Brilliant work!" says Brezhnev to a KGB major. "But how did you know they were spies?"

"Well," said the major, "as you yourself have observed, Comrade ...

An engineer and art major were living together. One day, the house burned down, but only the engineer survived

The reason: The engineer was at work

Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too

It's called "history"

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

I’m surprised the University of Alabama doesn’t offer a major in archaeology.

I heard they are really into relative dating out there.

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir", replies the man.

"What treatment are you getting?". "Five minutes with the wire brush, each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man", says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir...

I hope Elon Musk isn't involved in a major scandal anytime soon

... because #ElonGate will go on forever.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

What do you call it when computer science majors make fun of each other?

Cyber boolean

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