My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

C major (one of the popular scales) is chatting with a fellow partygoer when D major walks in.

C major is a friend, so she decides to pay her a compliment.

"You look sharp!", she says.

"Thanks! I love the natural look!"

At this, the lady scale she was chatting with leaves, flustered.

"Who was that?", D major asks, confused.

"Oh, Just Bb major. Can't take a j...

A major difference between men and women

is if a woman says "Sniff this." it usually smells nice.

A week after the G7 Summit, they should have the C Major Summit

That would resolve everything.

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I looked up at Canus Major and a star told me "I'm the brightest star in the sky!"

And I said "You can't be Sirius!"

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Camel in the Camp

There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.

"Private Doe!"
"Sir! Yes, sir?"
"What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major
"Sir, the camel is he...

The government has installed the first publicly available enema station which they plan to eventually build across all major cities.

It has officially been declared public enema number one.

After major accidents with lots of preventable injuries, there’s always a wave of lawsuits.

The sue-nami.

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There is a major flood warning in the UK

A lot of water is coming from Scottland pissing themselves in laughter

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.

What did the Computer Science major say to the English major?

Yeah I'll take a #3 with a small fry and a Dr. Pepper, and a #7, just the sandwich. Do you guys still have that smoky barbeque sauce or has it been discontinued?

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

How do you get an art major off your doorstep?

Pay for the pizza.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

My friend told me she's majoring in being disappointed and almost getting what she wants

She's the only poly-sigh major I've met so far

Always invite the math major to the party.

They are a great addition.

As a stats major I'm ashamed to say I've never done any programming

But I still excel in my field!

An engineering student, a geometry major, and a star basketball player are trapped on a desert island

They’re debating how to get off the island or get rescued. The engineering student looks around and sees only a few palm trees and some coconuts.

“We need to cut down the trees and make a raft to sail away on.” He says and starts designing.

“We need a basketball to pass the time.” Th...

Three engineering majors

Three engineering majors were discussing who designed the human body.

The first one said "It had to be a mechanical engineer; the body has hundreds of joints."

The second one says "It had to be an electrical engineer; the nervous system has thousands of electrical connections."

...

What’s the best part about majoring in philosophy?

You get to ask people why they want fries with that

A sergeant major, an mp, and a chaplain are at a post.

The sergeant major points to the chaplain, he says to the E2 newly enlisted Military Police officer, see that chaplain over there? Yes, said the MP. The sergeant major said "arrest him, hes wearing headphones at post". The mp puts the chaplain in cuffs and reads him his rights before stopping and st...

Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

# Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.

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First day of Med School

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

John rolls out of his room into the apartment,

John rolls out of his room into the apartment, looking like some misshapen ball. His roommate Ron, horrified, asks what happened.

“Oh nothing major, I just found a genie and told him I could use a joint, looks like he misinterpreted and turned me into a human knee,” said John.

“A kn...

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the...

Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Myself, along with a small group of fellow Chemistry majors have been close friends since our college days.

I guess you could say that we have developed strong bonds.

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Kids of all ages enjoy a good scotch

It's just for a majority of them, the word butter has to be prefixed

Soviet joke: a family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will be going up.

“This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades,” says the man.

“You mean you will be drinking less?” asks his son.

“Nyet,” says the father. “You will all be eating less.”

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

My roommate has major FOMO that he doesn't have any GameStop stock that he can sell

...so I offered to lend him some, of course he'd have to give it back to me eventually

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

Why do people put "draw me something funny on the inside of the pizza box" in the Other Requests box?

Because they know the pizza place is gonna be filled with art majors anyhow.

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

I got some major amputations before getting on a plane.

I didn’t want to be armed going through TSA.

I've been spending the vast majority of my time completely alone over the last 4 months...

I don't think I'm going crazy, but my imaginary friend tells me I may have a drinking problem.

Rudy Giuliani set major press conference at Four Season landscaping instead of Four Seasons Hotel.

Really, does there have to be a punchline?

I had a major breakthrough today..

I have to start buying better toilet paper

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

A Married Couple were at a party chatting with some friends when the Subject of Marriage Counselling came up

"Oh, we'll never need that. We have a great relationship." The Husband explained

"She was a Communications Major in college and I majored in Theatre Arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening"

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel

iPhones map app has major problems

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.

A 2018 report showed that the vast majority of bankers have no close friends

Apparently they're all loaners

I have a major sweet tooth.

It's the black one.

One evening, an Army Major Arrived at a Base

Feeling hungry, he went to the Officers' Club for supper. He sat at the bar and asked the waiter.

"What's good here, Soldier?"

The waiter snapped to attention, "Discipline, Sir!"

(This is supposedly a true story.)

There once was a retired engineer who is asked to come fix a major malfunction in a company’s product.

He comes in, turns on a simple switch, and the unit works perfectly. He bills for $101,000.

“How could you possibly charge that much!” said his old boss.

“Simple,” the old man responded. “It’s $1 for the labor of flipping the switch—and $100,999 for knowing which switch to flip.”

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

Old Russian joke. Russia has 2 major problems: roads and idiots. One of them can be solved by a road roller...

But it's impossible to figure out what to do with roads.

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Just ask for Sally

So there is this guy, let's call him Joe.

Joe wakes up one day and realizes not only is it pay day, but he has the day off. So Joe goes through his regular morning ritual and then pays some bills, gets groceries and thinks to himself "well I have everything I need so let's have some fun."...

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Hey girl, do you raise birds of the species Parus major?

Because you've got great tits.

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

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A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth...

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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

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A man goes to college, and upon arrival, finds that he needs to take an extra science class for his major.

He asks his friend which science class is easiest, and his friend responds “Ornithology 101. I never even had to show up.”
So the man registers for Ornithology, and never actually goes to the class. However, a few weeks before the final, he realizes he need to do very well on the final to pas...

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WWII Army Major walks into the medical wing.

He approaches the first bunk

Major: Why are you here Soldier?

Soldier: Syphilis Sir!

Major: How are they treating it Soldier?

Soldier: 5 minutes a day with a wire brush Sir!

Major: What is your ambition Soldier?

Soldier: To get back to the front lines Sir!<...

COVID-19 has had one major unforeseen benefit for me

It’s finally socially acceptable to hold my breath when walking past an old person.

What's the difference between an English Major and a Pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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Job Applicants

A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position.

They interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same questio...

What do ELA Teachers and British military officers have in common?

They're both English Majors.

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

If you major in a field you love, you'll never have to work another day

because that field is probably not hiring

What’s the difference between an art major and a homeless man.

About 5 years.

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

[Interview] Boss: I see you majored in communication.

Man: No. Miscommunication.

Boss: But your CV clearly says ‘Communication’.

Man: See?

Did you hear Gaston from Beauty and the Beast won a major award?

He won the No Belle Prize.

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How do you know if you've had a minor stroke ?

You have jizz in your belly button.

How do you know if you've had a major stroke?

You have jizz on the ceiling.

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

What do you call the reception area for the advocacy group that represents a major craft store chain?

The Hobby Lobby Lobby Lobby

I can’t remember what I majored in at college.

I skipped classes to some degree.

How has there not been a class action lawsuit against the major diaper companies?

Those things have never held the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane...

Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?

Cannibalism would solve 2 major problems.

World hunger and overpopulation.

Elon Musk caused a major scandal today by going on a bizarre rant about Coronavirus.

I hope Elon-gate is not too drawn out.

R. Kelly certainly released some major bangers throughout his career

Its the minor banging that was the issue.

Interview with the Pope and a Rabbi.

I am a reporter for a major monthly publication.
Generally I write human interest articles.
Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.

Upon entering the Pope's office I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug.
The pope and I had an amazing conve...

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose...

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to ...

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On a train in the Soviet Union

Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he co...

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

What's the difference between a guy with an Arts Major, and a guy with a Philosophy Major?

One will ask WHY you want fries with that!

Where dose the majority of the mafia operate

In the spaghetto

An overweight man goes to the doctor

The doctor says “sir we need to talk about your weight. It’s been a growing concern and I’m afraid if it gets worse, you’ll have some major heart issues. I think it’s time we talk about a way for you to lose some weight fast. Would you like to hear about liposuction?”

The man goes “please, en...

The Chinese invented two major components of American schools.

Paper and gunpowder.

Obesity is major COVID-19 risk factor, says French chief epidemiologist

I made the mistake of telling my wife

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too

It's called "history"

People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

What did the Ethics Professor say to the Art Major?

You have to draw the line somewhere!

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