A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

How do you get an art major off your doorstep?

Pay for your pizza.

I got some major amputations before getting on a plane.

I didn’t want to be armed going through TSA.

Rudy Giuliani set major press conference at Four Season landscaping instead of Four Seasons Hotel.

Really, does there have to be a punchline?

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

I had a major breakthrough today..

I have to start buying better toilet paper

What is the difference between a philosophy major and a liberal arts major?

One will ask WHY you need fries with that!

iPhones map app has major problems

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.

One evening, an Army Major Arrived at a Base

Feeling hungry, he went to the Officers' Club for supper. He sat at the bar and asked the waiter.

"What's good here, Soldier?"

The waiter snapped to attention, "Discipline, Sir!"

(This is supposedly a true story.)

A 2018 report showed that the vast majority of bankers have no close friends

Apparently they're all loaners

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis. (Kind of long)

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the...

There once was a retired engineer who is asked to come fix a major malfunction in a company’s product.

He comes in, turns on a simple switch, and the unit works perfectly. He bills for $101,000.

“How could you possibly charge that much!” said his old boss.

“Simple,” the old man responded. “It’s $1 for the labor of flipping the switch—and $100,999 for knowing which switch to flip.”

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

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Hey girl, do you raise birds of the species Parus major?

Because you've got great tits.

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel

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In Prison vs. At Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good be...

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

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A man goes to college, and upon arrival, finds that he needs to take an extra science class for his major.

He asks his friend which science class is easiest, and his friend responds “Ornithology 101. I never even had to show up.”
So the man registers for Ornithology, and never actually goes to the class. However, a few weeks before the final, he realizes he need to do very well on the final to pas...

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A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Old Russian joke. Russia has 2 major problems: roads and idiots. One of them can be solved by a road roller...

But it's impossible to figure out what to do with roads.

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I'm majoring in reverse psychology...

... and I ask my advisor if I should take on a second major in reverse engineering. She says

"I don't know about that, sounds pretty difficult."

I think for a second and decide, "I'll do it!"

She shrugs and says, "Alright, don't say I didn't warn you." With that, she opens...

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were ...

COVID-19 has had one major unforeseen benefit for me

It’s finally socially acceptable to hold my breath when walking past an old person.

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WWII Army Major walks into the medical wing.

He approaches the first bunk

Major: Why are you here Soldier?

Soldier: Syphilis Sir!

Major: How are they treating it Soldier?

Soldier: 5 minutes a day with a wire brush Sir!

Major: What is your ambition Soldier?

Soldier: To get back to the front lines Sir!<...

A hotel in Soviet Russia

Four strangers have to share a room. But they get acquainted with each other, one of them cracks open a bottle of vodka and they start drinking and telling stories. One of them wants to sleep, but the others don't care about him and keep telling more and more raunchy stories and political jokes. So ...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are escaping prison

After somehow dodging the security guards, they make it out of the prison. However, they are on an island and still have to swim 10 miles to be free.

They all swim away, but after 1 mile the brunette gets exhausted and turns back, saying she can't make it the whole way.

2 miles later ...

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

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I was shopping at a supermarket in a major city in Michigan one day, and everything in it was marked down at 50% off regular price.

However, they still charged me full price at the checkout counter.

Can't *half* shit in Detroit.

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The history of the middle finger

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory ov...

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[Interview] Boss: I see you majored in communication.

Man: No. Miscommunication.

Boss: But your CV clearly says ‘Communication’.

Man: See?

A guy has 2 dying friends...

A guy has two close friends, Fin and Scott. Fin has a heart disease and Scott had a major stroke.both of them thought they were done for.

Jake, who is the guy in this story, receives the news that they have both sadly passed away, and either one left a section for him in their will.

F...

If you major in a field you love, you'll never have to work another day

because that field is probably not hiring

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

What's the difference between an English Major and a Pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

Poll during COVID-19 pandemic finds 45% of husbands are doing the majority of homeschooling and child-caretaking.

2% of wives agree.

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The Fisherman

An esteemed researcher in the field of physiology of human sexuality is giving a lecture at the public library on a rainy Tuesday night.

He is explaining the density of nerve endings and his research on the female orgasm.

“While the majority of women experience clitoral orgasm due the...

Two elderly women were out driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have...

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

I can’t remember what I majored in at college.

I skipped classes to some degree.

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The Apple iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size, this is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

How has there not been a class action lawsuit against the major diaper companies?

Those things have never held the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

Elon Musk caused a major scandal today by going on a bizarre rant about Coronavirus.

I hope Elon-gate is not too drawn out.

What do you call the reception area for the advocacy group that represents a major craft store chain?

The Hobby Lobby Lobby Lobby

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

What’s the difference between an art major and a homeless man.

About 5 years.

Where dose the majority of the mafia operate

In the spaghetto

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

Obesity is major COVID-19 risk factor, says French chief epidemiologist

I made the mistake of telling my wife

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My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"

He said I am "A major ass set to the company"

Did you hear Gaston from Beauty and the Beast won a major award?

He won the No Belle Prize.

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.

They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

R. Kelly certainly released some major bangers throughout his career

Its the minor banging that was the issue.

A pimp is driving around, checking up on his girls on the street...

... when he sees a man dropping one of his girls off on a corner.
This isn't out of the ordinary, and he doesn't think too much of it, but the next day he sees the same man driving the same car dropping off two girls at once.
Again, not too strange, but he takes notice.


The next nig...

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

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So we're putting on a performance of "The Pirates of Penzance" and the guys who's playing Samuel comes up to me and says "Mr Director"...

...and I say "Yes?"

and he says "This final scene where the Major-General sings 'Resume your ranks and legislative duties, And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties'. Which daughter do I get?"

"Not Mabel, obviously. She's with Frederic," I say. "And usually the Major-General hims...

Why don't Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive

What did the Ethics Professor say to the Art Major?

You have to draw the line somewhere!

Reposts versus retellings. (Not a joke)

I just wanted to make a quick PSA about jokes.

Jokes are meant to be retold. A good joke gets told a thousand times, and spreads like a virus. Like a virus a joke will often mutate and change as it passes from person to person, often tweaked for better performance.

Now, what is the dif...

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

Them: what did you major in? Me: calligraphy

Them: why did you get such a useless degree?

Me: it was cheaper than an mba from from Harvard.

Them: so ? It’s a worthless degree, you would have made more money if you showed up to a job interview with a degree from Harvard.

Me: look, I can show up to a job interview with a deg...

What do you call a famous piece of music with 3 sharps?

A major success.

damn girl Are you a forestry major

Cause I wanna take a DBH measurement

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane...

Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?

Homeless man strikes up a conversation with a lady

A homeless man starts speaking to a young lady in a bar one night. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree. Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?" The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology an...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

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An Air Force Colonel is about to brief his men.

An Air force Colonel is about to start the morning briefing.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decides to pose a question to assembled staff.

He explained his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and that he failed to get his usual amount of ...

The IRS has made a major announcement.

All Marijuana Dealers must file a joint tax return.

News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

Cannibalism would solve 2 major problems.

World hunger and overpopulation.

WW2, German military base, early in the morning.

A private walks into the Major's office to give his Night Shift report.

"Nothing to report sir... except that we broke a spade" the private says

"Ah well, carry on. How'd you break a spade though?" the Major asks.

"Well.. while burrying your horse, sir" replies the private
...

What is the major problem with communism?

I see a lot of red flags.

How do cannibals decide who they're going eat?

By a soylent majority.

The Chinese invented two major components of American schools.

Paper and gunpowder.

Why do musicians always listen to music in C major while driving in roads?

To avoid accidentals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do assholes major in?

Analytics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male teacher is teaching physics in an all girls school. One day, he was teaching the topic of electricity.

"A net electrical charge means the resulting electrical charge on an object. It normally means if an object has a majority of positive or negative charge. Do you understand?"

To this, his students stared at him blankly, some shaking their heads cautiously.

The teacher sighed and tried...

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

How come HIV isn't a major cause of depression?

Because it's not that hard to stay positive.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

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Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

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The Knob

One day Betty, who has had many cosmetic surgeries over the years is visiting her plastic surgeon.

He says, hey, there's a new device I wanted to tell you about. It's called 'the knob'. What it is, is a flat little knob that we'll fit to the back of your head, under your hair. Any time your ...

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An auntie kimber classic. I was 5 when I heard this lol

There was a young man Fredrick in the last course of his psychology major. His final exam was to assess the mental conditions of 3 patients down in the deepest depth of the mental ward. It was 1966.
With his clipboard in hand, he walks down the dim lit hallway and gets to a giant metal door. The ...

I used to have major ego problem

But since I got rid of if I'm pretty much perfect

Why does no major gaming company make an Indiana Jones game?

Because no one would pay 60$ for an Indie game.

So I had a one night stand with C-major.

The next morning, I woke up to the horrifying realization that she's A-minor.

For the English majors

A guy’s arm is hurting so he goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor, “Doc, my arm is hurting real bad.” So the doctor says, ”Roll up your sleeve and let me take a look at it. ” The man does and his arm says, ”Doc, can you loan me twenty bucks”? The doctor tells the man to roll his sleeve down and s...

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