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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Them: what did you major in? Me: calligraphy

Them: why did you get such a useless degree?

Me: it was cheaper than an mba from from Harvard.

Them: so ? It’s a worthless degree, you would have made more money if you showed up to a job interview with a degree from Harvard.

Me: look, I can show up to a job interview with a deg...

What's a music major frat boy's favorite composer?

Debussy

Why did the frat guy want to major in anatomy?

He thought he would get to study abroad

A Sergeant-Major asks his platoon whether any of them are interested in music

When four hands go up, the Sergeant-Major says "Right, lads! You can carry this grand piano up to the officers' mess."

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

My art major friend was told the other day, a true artist should please no one but themselves

besides of course, their Starbucks managers

An old man was explaining to his grandson about major things that happened in his life.

“Now most people associate salsa as a Mexican condiment”, he said. “But actually we loved mayonnaise”. “Wow!”, said the boy. “Most people don’t know that in 1912 after docking in New York, the titanic’s next stop was the eastern shores of Mexico. And below the deck was 15 tons of mayo. As we all kno...

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the...

There were officials in World War 1 that were discussing a plan.

English General: Plan?

English Lieutenant: We can use trenches to—

English Major: symbolize man’s emptiness.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why does no major gaming company make an Indiana Jones game?

Because no one would pay 60$ for an Indie game.

What did the liberal arts major say to the engineering grad?

Do you want fries with that?

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.



“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were ...

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

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Although I wouldn't say it's a major character flaw,

my premature ejaculation is certainly a shortcominng.

There are 4 major types of people in this world.

Those that can count and those that can't.

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If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

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Why did A Major go to jail?

Cuz he fucked A minor.

Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa?

She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating.

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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

So I had a one night stand with C-major.

The next morning, I woke up to the horrifying realization that she's A-minor.

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and ever...

I asked a math major freshman friend this morning, "So what's your four-year plan in college?"

ohhh you mean my Four-Year Transform or Four-Year Series?

What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major will ask *why* you want fries with your Big Mac.

How do you get an art major off your front porch?

PAY FOR THE PIZZA!

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

What do you do with a philosophy major?

Think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

An engineer and art major were living together. One day, the house burned down, but only the engineer survived

The reason: The engineer was at work

One thing I know is that a computer science major didn't name the original pokemon.

Otherwise, charmander would evolve into stringmander.

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

I used to have a major fear of speedbumps...

Now I'm slowly getting over it.

What did the philosophy major say when asked “can you recommend a philosopher who wrote on how to treat his fellow man?”

“I. Kant”

R. Kelly certainly released some major Bangers throughout his career.

Its the minor banging that is the issue.

I hope Elon Musk isn't involved in a major scandal anytime soon

... because #ElonGate will go on forever.

During a major hurricane the order is given to evacuate.

However a devout christian is confident that the lord will protect him from the storm.

As the water begins to rise a police man comes by in a 4 wheel drive and makes a call for evacuation.

“The lord will save us.” The man says confidently. The cop shrugs and drives off.

The w...

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A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady ...

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

What do you call a person of Jewish decent who plays for the Washington major league team?

A Hebrew National

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir", replies the man.

"What treatment are you getting?". "Five minutes with the wire brush, each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man", says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir...

I’m surprised the University of Alabama doesn’t offer a major in archaeology.

I heard they are really into relative dating out there.

I was double majoring in cloning and hide-and-seek

But I had to take a year off to find myself.

Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

Besides training all the major Greek heroes, Chiron was also a doctor....

Besides training all the major Greek heroes, Chiron was also a doctor.

That would make him the Centaur for Disease Control.

What did the English major have after getting intestinal surgery?

A semicolon

Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too

It's called "history"

There have been no major protests against former Park Geun-hye's imprisonment.

No Free Park-ing in South Korea.

I was at the bar chatting up a physics major

I said: "Are you gravity, 'cause I find you very attractive?"

I was surprised when she said she didn't like fat jokes. All I did was say she's attractive.

A Father meets his old friend, the Major after many years.

The Major wants to show off his shooting skills to his friend. He fires at the target, and misses by a distance.

"Damn! How the hell did I miss?", exclaims the Major.

"Mind your language, Bruce. You know that God is always watching", says the Father.

The Major ignores him and fi...

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

What do you call it when computer science majors make fun of each other?

Cyber boolean

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

I was so happy when my coach told me I should be playing in the majors.

Then I realized I was in band class.

What happens to a math major when he flunks out of school?

The aftermath

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Why are there so many grammar Nazis on the internet?

Because English majors have no jobs.

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Did you hear about the prostitute who's a philosophy major?

She could really blow your mind.

People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

There are so many pigeons in major US cities

I wonder if they are planning a coup.

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For the English majors

I'd rather cuddle, then have sex.

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much sir"

I'm jealous of agriculture majors who become farmers...

Because they always find a job in their field.

A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major.

He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"

You can now major in Marijuana at some universities

Guess grades are going to be a little higher this semester!

I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then

Have you heard the joke about Ursa Major?

It's a long one, so bear with me...

Talk about a major injustice! I gave up my seat to an elderly woman yesterday and got fired by my boss...

It's not easy being a pilot...

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

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