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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

There were officials in World War 1 that were discussing a plan.

English General: Plan?

English Lieutenant: We can use trenches to—

English Major: symbolize man’s emptiness.

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the...

What did the liberal arts major say to the engineering grad?

Do you want fries with that?

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

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Although I wouldn't say it's a major character flaw,

my premature ejaculation is certainly a shortcominng.

There are 4 major types of people in this world.

Those that can count and those that can't.

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If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

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Why did A Major go to jail?

Cuz he fucked A minor.

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.

​

“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. ...

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

I asked a math major freshman friend this morning, "So what's your four-year plan in college?"

ohhh you mean my Four-Year Transform or Four-Year Series?

So I had a one night stand with C-major.

The next morning, I woke up to the horrifying realization that she's A-minor.

How do you get an art major off your front porch?

PAY FOR THE PIZZA!

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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major will ask *why* you want fries with your Big Mac.

I used to have a major fear of speedbumps...

Now I'm slowly getting over it.

What do you do with a philosophy major?

Think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

One thing I know is that a computer science major didn't name the original pokemon.

Otherwise, charmander would evolve into stringmander.

What did the philosophy major say when asked “can you recommend a philosopher who wrote on how to treat his fellow man?”

“I. Kant”

R. Kelly certainly released some major Bangers throughout his career.

Its the minor banging that is the issue.

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

An engineer and art major were living together. One day, the house burned down, but only the engineer survived

The reason: The engineer was at work

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

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A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady ...

During a major hurricane the order is given to evacuate.

However a devout christian is confident that the lord will protect him from the storm.

As the water begins to rise a police man comes by in a 4 wheel drive and makes a call for evacuation.

“The lord will save us.” The man says confidently. The cop shrugs and drives off.

The w...

Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

Besides training all the major Greek heroes, Chiron was also a doctor....

Besides training all the major Greek heroes, Chiron was also a doctor.

That would make him the Centaur for Disease Control.

I hope Elon Musk isn't involved in a major scandal anytime soon

... because #ElonGate will go on forever.

Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive

A major study found that Humans eat more Bananas than Monkeys

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

What’s the difference between a music major and 2 large pizzas?

The pizzas can feed a family.

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir", replies the man.

"What treatment are you getting?". "Five minutes with the wire brush, each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man", says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir...

I was double majoring in cloning and hide-and-seek

But I had to take a year off to find myself.

I’m surprised the University of Alabama doesn’t offer a major in archaeology.

I heard they are really into relative dating out there.

What did the English major have after getting intestinal surgery?

A semicolon

There have been no major protests against former Park Geun-hye's imprisonment.

No Free Park-ing in South Korea.

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

What do you call it when computer science majors make fun of each other?

Cyber boolean

I was at the bar chatting up a physics major

I said: "Are you gravity, 'cause I find you very attractive?"

I was surprised when she said she didn't like fat jokes. All I did was say she's attractive.

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too

It's called "history"

I was so happy when my coach told me I should be playing in the majors.

Then I realized I was in band class.

A Father meets his old friend, the Major after many years.

The Major wants to show off his shooting skills to his friend. He fires at the target, and misses by a distance.

"Damn! How the hell did I miss?", exclaims the Major.

"Mind your language, Bruce. You know that God is always watching", says the Father.

The Major ignores him and fi...

What happens to a math major when he flunks out of school?

The aftermath

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major.

He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"

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For the English majors

I'd rather cuddle, then have sex.

Have you heard the joke about Ursa Major?

It's a long one, so bear with me...

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Did you hear about the prostitute who's a philosophy major?

She could really blow your mind.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are there so many grammar Nazis on the internet?

Because English majors have no jobs.

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

Talk about a major injustice! I gave up my seat to an elderly woman yesterday and got fired by my boss...

It's not easy being a pilot...

I'm jealous of agriculture majors who become farmers...

Because they always find a job in their field.

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much sir"

You can now major in Marijuana at some universities

Guess grades are going to be a little higher this semester!

People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then

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Have you heard about the slutty math major?

You haven't? That's okay, it's the thot that counts.

I predict a major trend in the years to come...

Young will become the new old

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

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Frank must have been a major asshole.

Whenever people try to be him they end up saying something unpleasant.

Did you know Major Charles Sweeney of the B-29 Bockscar was dyslexic?

He meant to order the flaming saganaki, but instead ordered a flaming Nagasaki

Us psych majors get a bad rep

People think we think we know what they’re thinking

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There was a major research project to find out how men became gay

They found that 17 percent of them felt they were born gay, the other 83 percent were sucked into it.

A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.