One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"



The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science...

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

The brain is the most important organ in your body

\- *According to the brain*

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

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My wife is always saying “ Communication is the most important thing in our relationship.”

Then why do I have to spend all day figuring out why she is pissed?

As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term.

His Covid19 test result.

They say that going to school is important

but becoming a instagram model is importanter!

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What's the most important thing when masturbating?

The ears, to hear if someone's coming.



(a joke from one of my teachers)

It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark

Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."

It's important to not read the bible, but skim it -

The devil's in the details

At this time of year, it's important to remember that a dog isn't just for Christmas

You can also have it cold on boxing day.

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Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)

The first one tells her friends “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace.’”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you ...

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

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When you’re a single man and trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire.

Which I understand, but boy oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick recently.

"Why is it important for engineers and architects to get along?"

I was asked this by an engineer I was driving to a conference center from the airport.

"I don't know, why?"

"Well, you see, if all the buildings in the World were built only by architects, they would all collapse under their own weight."

This elicited some chuckles from his coll...

There are more important things in life than money

But they won't go out with you if you don't have any

It is important to remember that Bill Clinton

Spent his entire presidency between two Bushes.

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Giving praise is important.

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I hav...

An old lady in her deathbed calls her husband for something important

"George, I want you to go in the attic and open the third drawer of the black polished furniture.
I want you to bring me what you find there."

The husband goes upstairs in the attic and finds the furniture near the entrance, he opens the third drawer and finds an egg box with 3 eggs in it,...

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

What's the most important part of an OBGYN joke?

The delivery.

I don't understand how poll watching is important...

But I'll never say no to watching a pretty woman dance.

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

So the other day I was crossing the street trying to remember something very important,

And then it hit me, at 50 mph.

I don't understand why it's important that everyone wears facemasks the proper way.

Those who don't cover their noses are mouth-breathers anyways.

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

You can recycle an old brassiere into a face mask. It is important to remember to only use the left cup...

otherwise you will end up looking like a right tit.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

What's the most important skill that a US comedian must have?

Being able to make jokes on the fly.

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My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

Our boss told us to go to the tool room and grab a tool each. He then asked us to explain the importance of each tools that we picked.

Mike - "The hammer is good for nailing and building stuff"

John - " The hand saw is important for cutting woods"

Boss - " i see that you don't have any tool in your hands. That's pretty impressive because you are considering yourself as a tool right?"

Me - "I'm a hoe"

A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life.

Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.

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5 important qualities

1. Its important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. Its important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. Its important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesnt lie to you.
4. Its important to have a woman, who is ...

I think geology is the most important field in science.

Sure, it has its faults, but on the hole, it's ground-breaking.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

What’s the most important thing to check before rollerblading naked?

Your helmet is in good condition.

My girlfriend asked if she was more important than my computer

I told her she is always number one

But I always start counting at zero

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do everything humanly possible to avoid getting COVID-19 now.

I just heard they're releasing COVID-20 next month.

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

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A Practical Decision

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn...

TIFU by mistakenly dropping edibles in tonight's dinner, and my wife has a very important meeting...

I have no idea how high the steaks are...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

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Pence made sure he was well dressed for the debate. His tie was adjusted, his collar was fixed, his buttons were buttoned, and most importantly...

His fly wasn't down

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A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

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What’s the most important rule when making porno music?

Never use A-minor.

What’s it called when a not important person sneaks into the VIP section of a club?

A NIP slip

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

'PNEIS'

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit.

Kobe Bryant's death was an important and historic occasion.

It marked the first time he's passed in years.

This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can swallow pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

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My therapist told me that it's important to spread positivity.

Which has saved me a bunch of money on condoms.

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

Whats the most important thing to be when living in Asgard with a corrupt police force?

Gotta be low key.

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What is it called when penis is the most important part of a relationship

A dick-tatorship

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon.

The Pope is visiting America

The Pope is visiting America and is being driven around in a limousine. He strikes up a conversation with his chauffeur and says “Did you know that when you become Pope, they don’t let you drive anymore?”
The chauffeur shrugs and the Pope continues, “I really miss being able to drive. Do you thin...

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First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class

First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qu...

This is an important message from Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe:

Having to wear a face mask along with your glasses?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Call us today!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.

My wife and I had an argument as to which is the most important vowel.

I won.

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?

And then I check with the school to find out.

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Punctuation is so important

I learned that when I helped my uncle Jack off a horse

Just a thought. How important/famous do you have to be

For your death to be considered an assassination instead of a murder?

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

Every one knows to not run with scissors.

But it is also important to never scissor with the runs.

What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house?

To please their steakholders

Why is a dad bod important to your health?

Because it is always important to build a shelter over your precision tool

Donald Trump had to attend an important military briefing

After waiting around 10 minutes, everyone who had to arrive arrived.

One of the generals stands up and says "So, shall we begin the meeting?"

Donald Trump coughs loudly, and then says "We cannot begin this meeting without the president present!"

"But... you are the president..."...

The secret to success

There are all sorts of tips for a successful life but I have found the one guaranteed to bring you success and wealth.

To truly be successful it is important to only work half days.

And the best part of it? What makes this such a great plan? It’s that it doesn’t matter which 12 hours y...

What food is the most important part of the Awolnation diet?

KAAAAAALE!

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

Donald Trump is with his driver and he is on the way to an important meeting. He's running a bit late.

Trump: can you please speed up a little, the meeting will start shortly and we're quite far away
The driver : I can't really Mr President, I am sticking to the limit. Also, we're in the middle of the city and the roads look quite busy. I don't want to put people's safety at risk.
Trump : I kn...

Teacher: What's the most important punctuation mark?

Little Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Correct. Can you tell me why?

Little Johnny: I'm not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack , and the next door neighbor shot himself.

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. .

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...

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A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

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God invited three presidents - Putin, Lukashenko and Trump - to his place.

"I need to have a very important conversation with you later. So, make yourselves at home, I have a magic swimming pool with a high diving-board, just say a word, and all the water from the pool turn into that", said God, "Just look! Orange juice!" And all the water instantly became orange juice....

punctuality and punctuation are equally important...

i don't want to hear any excuses about your period being late.

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

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Sherlock and Watson go camping

After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep.

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"

Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, ...

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During school lockdown drills there's always a designated area to defecate.

Since in emergencies it's always important to keep your shit together.

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second one.

Who are the most important key workers during a lockdown?

Locksmiths

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you ;)

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story...what's important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France - via guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop....

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Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sadd...

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate?

Whether Pepsi is ok.

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

money is not the most important thing in the world

Love is. fortunately, i love money.

Two very important life rules:

1) Never tell anyone everything you know.

An accountant, an artist and an engineer are having drinks

The conversation turns to the most important person in their lives.

The accountant says his wife is his rock, his stability, the foundation of their life together.

The artist says his mistress is his muse and inspiration. He owes her his very soul.

The engineer says those are gr...

I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.

Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.

Do you know what the most important aspect of telling a joke is? The timing.

And also, not sharing written jokes that only work when they are told out loud.

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A construction crew started building a new house down the street.

My daughter was excited to see the big construction vehicles, so I let her go check it out (with me watching of course). The crew loved that a young person was interested in construction, so let her sit and watch them work. Sometimes they would sit her in the trucks and show her how it operates, ev...

My broken heart

Think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me. I was seeing this amazing woman up until last year. Now I absolutely adored this girl, and would do anything for her. But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist. Not to brag, but I co...

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams...

5 years ago, I went to an important job interview

At the end of the interview, he asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"Probably sitting at home all day playing video games." I told him.

Needless to say, I did not get the job but hey, look where we are now!

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