One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

The three most arguably important historical revolutions:

The Russian, the French, and dance dance

Adele names albums by numbers, relating to important things in her life.

Her next is rumoured to be called 3.14159265359

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy sits down for an important job interview.

After several opening questions, the interviewer asks, “What is your biggest weakness?”

Job candidate: “I would say honesty.”

Interviewer: “ I don’t really think that honesty is a weakness.”

Candidate: “ Shut up ass wipe, I don’t care WHAT you think.”

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

With it being Saint Patrick's Day, I have an important question for all of you. You all know why there are two Irelands right?

Many people say it's because of religious and Political beliefs, but I always like to think it's because Ireland wanted to Dublin size.

The most important thing in a relationship is trust

Because if you don't fully trust her, how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife.

Important Annoucement

I’d like to give a big shout out to my deaf grandma.

What is the most important part of jokes about the French revolution?

The execution

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What's important to remember when buying real estate in Japan?

Look Asian, look Asian, look Asian.

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An education is important

But having a big dick is importanter

My wife and I had this huge argument about which vowel is the most important.

I won.

What’s the most important part of telling a pizza joke?

It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno

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Why is attendance at porn school so important?

Because coming is the most important part.

I think politeness is important.

That's why I offer my seat to a lady when I get off the bus.

Spelling is very important.

It's the difference between "trust in me" and "thrust in me".

A man is late for an important interview

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray.

"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mi...

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I was at an important job interview today and was asked,

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No I’m not” I replied.

“Are you on Twitter?”

“No”

“Instagram?”

“Nope”

“Look just put your fucking phone away, will you?”

Come to think of it the invention of the shovel was pretty important...

Some would even say it was groundbreaking

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An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.


The next d...

A matematician, a philosopher and an accountant are applying for an important position within a prestigious company

During the interview the CEO askes each of them a simple question: how much is 2+2?

The matematician: Definitely 4, no doubt about it!

The philosopher: The answer in itself is not important, what matters is why did the question manifest itself.

The accountant, leaning forward an...

What starts with P, ends with Orn, and is important in the film industry?

Popcorn

Love your neighbor as you love yourself is an important lesson.

It's how I learned to give a hand-job!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you guys think it's important that you and your spouse enjoy the same fetishes?

I'm really into scat, but my wife keeps telling me she doesn't give a shit.

It's important in these divisive times to remember that immigrants perform many jobs that Americans are unwilling to do

Why do you think we have a Slovenian first lady?

A lecturer had reached one of his most important points

"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."

"Married," someone shouted from the audience.

If Amazon were a human what would be it’s most important organ?

Da liver

I used to think capital letters weren't important

Then I helped my Uncle Jack off his horse

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

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Proper etiquette is important.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:

“If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Mike raised his...

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought,look what’s telling me that

Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

How do you delete important files on your computer permanently?

Update to the Windows 10 October Update

Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?

IRS REFUND department: Non-essential

IRS Audit department.: Essential

Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those...

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A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...

But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also come with negative effects.

What's the most important thing for a horse when voting?

A stable economy

A man is late for an important meeting..

As he arrives, he can’t seem to find a parking spot. He drives around the block three, four, five times.

Desperate, he cries to God. “Please Lord, I will quit lying, drinking and gambling if I can just find a place to park!”

Suddenly a car pulls out of a spot right in front of him....

I think it’s important to make clear who’s change it is if you drop some.

Any way that’s my two cents.

The most important browsers are IE and Edge.

You need them to download Chrome and Firefox.

I think the people at Hallmark got some of the important aspects of movies and school mixed up...

...you usually only use formulas for math.

I was playing a board game with my friends when I noticed some important pieces of the game were missing.

I asked my friend, " Are you the game owner?"

He said, "I moan but I'm straight"

There are two important rules in business.

Number 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

Important PSA!!

I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of this scam:

I was leaving the Wal-Mart on Main Street the other day and as I walked to my car, two gorgeous 18-year old girls approached me with a sob story about their car breaking down and needing a ride back to their place. Naturally I could...

Top 10 most important sciences

10. It is

9. impossible

8. to rank

7. the importance

6. of science

5. because

4. all of them

3. are equally

2. important.

1. Physics

What's the most important property of a sparkling pink ship?

It's flamboyant.

So the Pope is very early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and whe...

As Halloween Approaches, it's Important to Remember the 'Golden Rule' of Being a Ghost:

Boo unto others as you would have them boo unto you.

What's the most important thing to do when your ex tells you they are HIV positive?

Act surprised.

I’m not racist, but some races are simply inherently more important than others.

For example, the presidential race is much more important than some 100m dash.

Teacher: "What's the most important thing to learn in a chemistry lesson?"

Student:

**"Don't lick the spoon."**

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

A student places dead last in an important physics test.

He doesn't feel too phased and boasts to his classmates that he can still pass. His teacher later pulls him aside and tells him that he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me.

I'll never go to that spinning class again.

Why is the right side of the body more important than the left?

Because if you're missing your left side you'll still be all right.

Why are bees important?

Because otherwise your father will eat your ass.

In English grammar, periods are very important. They can alter the entire meaning of what is being said.

For example:

Johnny was on his trampoline, moving up and down in total bliss.

Johnny was on his period, moving up and down in total bliss.

Punctuation is very important...

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

No one understands how important milliseconds are, better than volunteer firefighters

It's the amount of time they have from meeting you, to telling you they are a volunteer firefighter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Penises are an important part of human culture and anatomy and must be honoured

I suggest we erect a statue

My doctor gave me a formal diagnosis of narcissism today

That can't be right. I'm too important to be a narcissist.

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care. … …

Funny how different sisters can be.

What was a more important invention then the first phone?

The second one.

In these troubling political times with gun violence peaking, human rights scandals on us soil, and ongoing corruption investigations, it’s always important to find the silver lining in things...

International Relations with Russia have never been better!

It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.

This is not a drill

Just another dad joke

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

It's important to distinguish pronouns from verbs

That is, if you want to use damn well

“Nothing important happened today”

- personal diary of King George III, 4 July 1776

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What's the most important part about a joke? Timing.

Edit: fuck

Perspective is really important.

Like, if you want a new view on life, just start crawling everywhere.

You'll be surprised by how many people tend to look down on you when you do that.

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

“I handle important transactions for a large multinational company”...

... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald’s.

My wife told me she didn’t love me any more. She said I always forget the important stuff...

The thing is, I don’t remember what I forgot.

A Cardinal comes rushing into the pope’s private residence in the Vatican and says ‘Your highness, I have some extremely important information that I need to share with you’.

The pope looks at the cardinal with some concern and says ‘Ok, let’s hear it’.
The cardinal takes a deep breath and says ‘Well I’ve got some really good news, and I’m afraid I’ve got some really bad news’.
The pope walks over to the Cardinal and places a hand on his shoulder and says, ‘No...

Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?

If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you're single trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire

I understand this, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a *lot* of dick lately.