A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Sweetheart I have something to tell you.

Wife: What is it, honey ?

Husband: I ..... I got another woman pregnant.

Wife: Goddammit.

Husband: I know...

Wife: I hate that joke but I'm proud of your work as a fertility doctor!

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

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A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wr...

Mom - Happy Birthday Sweetheart...

Daughter - Thanks Mom, And I need to tell you something..

Mom - What is it darling. You can tell me anything...

Daughter - Since It’s my 17th Birthday, Tonight I’m going to sleep with my boyfriend Jacob.

Mom - Ohh darling. If that’s makes you happy then I don’t mind at a...

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An old Jewish man is on his deathbed and he calls his wife over to him. "Esther, when we were childhood sweethearts during the war and were captured by the Nazis and put in the concentration camp, you were by my side."

"After the war, when we moved to England, got married and had to work 12 hours a day to pay for a single room, you were by my side."

"Later when my business collapsed and we were again left penniless, you were by my side."

"And now finally, as I prepare to die, you are again by my sid...

"Sweetheart, I'm pregnant.", "High pregnant, I'm dad!"

"Actually, you're not."

Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts...

I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?

The suave Englishman at the breakfast table asked his sweetheart "Please pass the sugar, sugar!"

The debonair Frenchman asked his girl "Please pass the honey, honey!"
The American redneck, not to be outdone, yelled "Pass the pork, pig!"

A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?" ...

"Yes, I will," came the reply.
"And drinking?"
"I will give up drinking as well."
"And going to the club with your cronies?"
"Yes, I will."
"And what else will you give up for my sake?" she asked finally.
"I have already given up the idea of marrying you."

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Two Sweethearts

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast,...

My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"

He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"

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What did the Nazi boy say to his sweetheart?

I reich you.

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She thought she found her high school sweetheart!

I was recently sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who was in my high school class almost 50 years ago. Could he be the same gu...

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

"Mom, I'm dating a man"

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

credit: u/Authwarth

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Little girl and her muffin

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.

She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you wanna sit down and watch your daddy you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," sh...

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It...

Sweetheart, you remind me the sea.

>Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?

No

>I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.

Not really.

>So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?

Nope.

>So what is it then...

What's forbidden to diabetic vampires

sweethearts

A drunkard hits on a nun in the bus

“How's it going sweety, you wanna come to my place?“ The nun, obviously flustered, declines. “Come on sweetheart, just a onetime thing, you're so goddamn cute!“ The nun slaps him and leaves at the next station.

The busdriver, who had noticed the other man hitting on the nun, winks him over. ...

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Sarah got into prison for 2 weeks.

When she's was finally got expelled from prison her mother came to pick her up.

"Sarah, my dear. How was prison? Hope it wasn't too bad. I've got the whole day off to spend on some quality mother daughter time. What would you like to do first."

\- "Could we go to the mall please?"
...

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A dildo hits the windshield of a car.

Girl: Mom, what was it?
Mom: nothing sweetheart, just a big insect.
Girl: he had a huge cock though!

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The Compassionate Preacher.

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received ...

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My girlfriend told me she can't stand it when I get piss all over the seat.

My car, my rules sweetheart.

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same...

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So I was on this plane right, and the pilot does his normal deal, well when he was done he didn't turn off the speaker, and he turns to his Co pilot and goes...

"ya know what I could go for, a good blowjob and a coffee", well the flight attendant goes running to the front of the plane, and as she ran by I said "Hey sweetheart you forgot the coffee!"

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A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

My wife said my obsession with everything Muppets had put our relationship on fragile ground.

I took her hands in mine, looked her straight in the eyes and said, “Oh sweetheart, it’s *’down in Fraggle Rock.’*”

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

A young man is sitting in a bar looking sad.

Bartender: What’s the matter son?

Man: My marriage is over.

Bartender: What happened?

Man: Tracy, my high school sweetheart and I just got married last month. We waited till the wedding night to consummate our love. But it didn’t go so well.

Bartender: That‘s pretty co...

From the gentleman in front of me at Winco

Husband: “Sweetheart, am I the only one you’ve ever made love to?”

Wife:”Of Course, the others were nines and tens”

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A girl asked her mom how to spell ‘scrotum’

She replied, “Sweetheart, you should have asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.”

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NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man l...

I hope this starts your day with a good giggle...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen f...

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Pesky monkey

A lion was on a date with a lioness he was chasing after for months and finally got his chance to take her out to a picnic.

While they were enjoying their romantic outing, a monkey jumped out and started making fun of the lion.

The lioness looked at the lion and said "aren't you going ...

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

Dad, why did you name me Cilantro?

Because sweetheart, it's the only way I could ever know what it felt like to love Cilantro.

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I’d like to eat that full of ice cream - NSFW

A lady goes into a shoe store to buy some new shoes. The salesman helping her after she picks out a pair she likes, kneels down in front of her chair to put them on her feet.
He looks up and and notices she isn’t wearing any panties under her skirt. He says to her “ma’am that’s the most beautifu...

Hearing

An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing. So from 20 feet behind her he asked, "can you hear me sweetheart?" No reply. He move 10' and asked again. No reply. He did again from 5' and not a word. He got up behind her ear and asked, "can you hear me now honey?" His wife said, "For the ...

A young banker goes to jail for the first time for fraud... NSFW

He is immediately confronted by a large tattooed inmate as he enters the yard, who grabs him and says, “You wait til shower time, sweetheart. You’re going to get it good from me.”
The banker is trembling; his hands shake when he’s called out of his cell to lunch, knowing that after eating they’re...

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However...

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I just found out my neighbour is a vampire!!

But strangely, she's only interested in overweight guys named Richard. She saw me getting home from work, came over and whispered in my ear, "I love sucking fat Dicks".
So I was like ,"well you won't find one of those here, sweetheart". Sent that bitch packing.

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

My girlfriend woke up and said “I’m mad at you! I just had a dream that you were hitting on college girls!”

I could tell she was really upset so I hugged her, then looked in her eyes and said “Oh sweetheart you have nothing to worry about...I don’t dig smart chicks”

Man on his death bed

A man is on his death bed looking at his family wich contains of a wife, 2 older boys with bright red hair and freckles, and 1 younger boy with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He asks his boys to go out of the room so he can ask his wife something. “Sweetheart tell me before I die, is our youn...

Before and after glasses

Finally, after procrastinating for yrs, a husband got his prescription glass.

Wife: Honey, you looked handsome before wearing glasses.

Husband: Sweetheart, You too looked beautiful before I got my glasses.

So, Yesterday I asked my mother if I was adopted...

She told me : "No sweetheart, no one wanted you."

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

A woman asks her husband...

about the electromagnetic spectrum so that she may help her son with his homework. She asks, "sweetheart, what comes after visible light again?" The father answers, "Ultraviolet, darling."

Restaurant outing.

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…

As the food was served, Husband said:
“The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.”

Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

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My dad's favorite

This feller from up North decides that he wants to retire to the farm life, so he hops on the bus, and rides down to Tennessee. After getting off of the bus, he takes off walking down a country road. He comes across an old man selling rabbits and says, "I'd like to buy one of your finest rabbits, pl...

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Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

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A truck drivers wife is standing buck naked staring at herself in the mirror

She says to herself "I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful anymore"

She turns to her husband and says 'Honey, I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful any...

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An unhappy wife says to her mother "My asshole used to look like a 5 pence coin. Now it's so blown out it looks like a 50p!"

Her mother told her "Sweetheart, you have an estate in the countryside, a villa in Italy, luxury cars and vacation for months at a time! Do you really want to give all that up for £0.45?"

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

The difference between Canadian and American men...

Back during WWII, an American GI met a Canadian soldier fighting along side him. The two fought together throughout the war and both made it home safely.

After the war, the two returned to their respective homes and decided to marry their respective sweethearts. The two became such good fri...

What does she know about engines anyway

Wife: "There's trouble with the car, sweetheart. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I'm telling you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's th...

Probably one for British people

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon and about to do the deed. The wife stops the husband unexpectedly.

"Darling," she says. "I am afraid I have a dark secret to tell you, and I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"Sweetheart, no matter what you have done in the past I will f...

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A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.

The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.

Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”

“I don’t know, some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear.”

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There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

A gorgeous blonde is trying to board a city bus...

but her dress is so tight, it won't allow her to lift her leg high enough to reach the first step. She reaches back and unzips the dress a few inches to allow more flexibility. She tries again, but it still isn't enough. She unzips a little more, starting to worry that she'll give the people behind ...

A mother comes down to the kitchen and finds her daughter up early, eating a bowl of cereal...

The daughter asks- “Mommy, I heard some strange sounds coming from your bedroom a little while ago. What were you and Daddy doing in there?”

The mother is instantly embarrassed.

“Um... your daddy and I were making a cake, sweetheart.”

The next morning the mom comes down and t...

There are five cows on a farm, one mommy cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks: "Mom, why is my name Rose?" The mom replies: "Well, honey, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."

The second calf comes up. "Mom, why is my name Lily?" The mom replies: "When you were born, sweetheart, a lily petal fell on your head."<...

My wife told me I was a "model husband"

I said "thank you sweetheart"
Then she showed me her definition of model.
"A small imitation of the real thing"

A wife cooked her husband a pasta dish and posted the pic on fb

Later at the dining table...

Husband: “Sweetheart, I think it needs a bit more salt."

Wife : “What the hell! This pasta got 453 Likes and also 138 people commented 'Yummy'. But there's no pleasing you is there?"

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league b...

Darling

An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.

When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the m...

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Wife: "I'm going to bed, honey."

Husband: "Okay, sweetheart. I'll go get you a tylenol."

Wife: "But why? I don't have a headache."

Husband: "Great! Let's fuck."

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Robot For Sex

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming..
She told her lover to stay like robot and not to move.

Husband: What is this?

Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are traveling...

Husband: Okay.....

A husband asks his wife...

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?

Wife: Honey, of course I would.

Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?

Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.

Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?

Wife: You don't need ...

Old blonde joke.

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He loo...

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A bride tells her husband

"Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for th...

The baby

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…” 

“Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

Husband comes home way too drunk. To avoid a fight with his wife...

...he takes his laptop and starts working.

Wife: Don't tell me you broke your promise again and got drunk.

Husband: No sweetheart.

Wife: Then what the hell are are trying to type on a suitcase.

Mommy, why is daddy bald?

"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked

"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

This little old lady...

So there's this little old lady who lost her husband. They had been high school sweethearts, married young, and lived together for 70 years until the day he died. She was a housewife her whole life and never even dated anyone else, so she moved into an assisted living facility when her husband passe...

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

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Luigi and his Armani Shoes

Luigi walks to work every day. Each way he passes a shoe store. Each time he can't help himself but to stop, look in the window and admire a particular pair of Armani shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves every last penny t...

Three Muslim refugees try to enter the US

Three Muslim refugees flee to America only to learn that only Christian refugees are being allowed. The first Muslim steps up to the immigration officer and says ,"I am a Christian and would like refugee status." The officer says,"ok if you are a Christian tell me about all saints day." The firs...

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A bloke walks into a barber's shop with his 5 yr old daughter.

While he sit's down to get his hair cut, the daughter stands right beside him eating a cupcake.

The barber warns her:
"Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

She looks him in the eye:
"I know. I'm gonna grow tits too."

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