Everyone told Sam not to sing

But Samsung anyway

Sam walks into a bar on his birthday

It was Sam’s birthday, he just turned 18, finally a man (Sam lives in the Uk). In the excitement of being able to finally buy a pint from the bar without having to worry about being asked for ID, he approaches the woman who was bartending.

Sam, having a lack of knowledge with drinks, asks the...

Two friends Sam and Terry are spending the day together

As they are walking home down an empty street they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets.

As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry

"Here's the 20 I owe you"

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Sam decided to go skiing with his best friend, Dean.

They loaded up Sam's jeep with their skiing equipment and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a horrible blizzard. Slowly they arrived to a farmhouse and asked the lady of the house if they could spend the night there.

'I am recently widowed and I'm afraid my neigh...

Ok I have a Scottish joke: Sam Wanamaker, Immanuel Kant. Sammy Cahn…

… but Walt Disney.

Stuttering Sam the S-S-S-Salesman

Three guys, Adam, Barry and Sam, got hired by Mike the Manager to sell bibles door-to-door. First day of work, they had a quick meeting with Mike and they were each given a separate area of the city that they were to try to sell their bibles. They were to go out, use their best judgment as to the lo...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed”.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Sam. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away”.
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Sam replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

Why I'm Divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will rememb...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

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Two neighbors, Sam and Rick, are having a smoke outside their houses.

Sam asks Rick, "Do you like dumb women?"

Rick: Of course not.

Sam: What about women who drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney?

Rick: Why would I love someone like that?

Sam: What about women who can't cook?

Rick: Hell no. Why are you asking me all this?
...

One day teacher asked Sam that did his father help him with his homework.

Sam simply said that “No, he did it all by himself”!

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Why does Sam.L.Jackson love fathers day?

'Cause it's all about celebrating those god damn motherfuckers.

Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete

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Sam's girlfriend asked if he had ever slept with a prostitute

Sam says "Darling, i've never told you this, but you were my first and only. I have never been with any woman other than you."

Sam's girlfriend gives him a huge hug and kiss in relief. As they hug Sam says "So to answer your question, yes."

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.

Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."

"Oh, what a beautiful diamond ring! I've never seen it's like!"

...said the young woman.

"Really?!" said the much older woman. "This is the famous Hershfield diamond."

Amazed, the young woman said, "I'm so jealous."

"Don't be. It comes with a horrific curse!"

"A curse?" asked the younger woman. "What's that?"

"Sam Hershfield"

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center...

Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on a bench under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."

G...

How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed?

Rein-tarnation.

Thank God

Sam was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out the car five miles back." Sam replied,

"Thank God for that. I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

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Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

NSFW Speedy Gonzales and his friend Sam walks in from the desert...

They head to the nearest brothel and Speedy day to the madam of house to line the ladies up and they will go from the opposite direction each as he and Sam haven’t seen a woman in ages. She agrees and they start.

Speedy goes “Thank you mam, thank you mam, thank you mam, sorry Sam, thank you m...

"I got everything I ever wanted for Christmas, and Santa brought you nothing!!" said little Sam to his elder brother.

"But at least I do not have Leukemia"

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

Sam was a man with big dreams who lived in a small countryside village

One day, sam decided to follow his dreams and went to the big city. "Now you gotta find a job, Sam" he said to himself, and went to search for one.

After being rejected from several job interviews, Sam returns defeated to his home, there, he decides not to give up. With some money from his pa...

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

Sam and Bessie have been married for 50 years and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots.

Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me now?"
...

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

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Sam was at the bar

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "scre...

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

How do you call a fish that's turned on

A sam-ON

Sam got sick and taken to Middle-Earth Medical Center. Frodo rushed to the hospital, asking where Sam is. Chief Registrar Sauron replied:

ICU

Sam walks into his boss’s office.

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”,...

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Doctor: Sam, I'm very sorry but you have to stop masturbating.

Sam: What? Why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

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I just bought a pet cat and named it Sam.

My friend asked me what Sam is short for.

I said, "Because he's a cat, you dumbass."

Sam had amazing vocal skills, but was in doubt of them all the time. He got himself to sign up to a Talent Show for the first time. And finally in front of all the people

Samsung

Everyone discouraged Sam from singing

Samsung anyway.

(not my joke but it was too funny for me not to share)

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,

“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”

“Well, all right, three times...”

“Three, hmmm. When were they?”...

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”
Suddenly she burst out crying.
“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things...

Sam wanted to ask his neighbour, a grammarian, over for his dad's birthday.

He sent him a text with the message: "You are invited to my dad's fiftieth birthday party."

The grammarian didn't turn up. The next day, Sam met him at the grocer's and asked him if he had got his message to come to the party.

The grammarian said, "Yes, I did, but I would feel weird ar...

Sam: Hey, you need help with your college homework?

New neighbor: That depends. How bright are you?

Sam: Well, I'm so bright, my mom calls me sun.

What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink.

Liberty.

Ed, Sam, and Bill were brothers who were all doctors.

One day, Sam died.

At the funeral, Ed noticed the coffin was in the shape of a heart. So he asked Sam's wife why she chose such a coffin.

"Sam was a cardiologist," she replied, "I thought this was fitting."

Ed smiled wistfully, and Sam's wife asked why. "Well, I'm a gynecologi...

Jack and Jim are busy stocking the aisles at Sams Club...

They're stacking pallets of Lipton's. They're about to put the last pallet on top when the forklift breaks down.
"Oh NO!", Jim exclaims, "How will we get this last pallet on top without killing ourselves?"
"Don't Worry", says Jack," just go pick up one of those disposable Bic's on the sh...

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game...

But it has a lot of Bugs.

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Sam was broke. He had recently been made redundant and his savings were almost fully spent. [Long]

He wasn't having much luck getting a job either. With a family to feed, he was getting desperate.

So Sam did something he rarely did, went to the local church, knelt down, and prayed.

"God," he said, "I've been a good man all my life. I've worked hard, I'm raising my children well, I...

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Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?

Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.

Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?

Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
...

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Sam got thrown out a Strip club for using monopoly money.

Sam's logic - Why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

Sam goes to the doctor...

Sam, who just turned 86, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: How are you doing, Sam?

Sam: Good! I just married a beautiful 25 year old and we are now expecting our first child.

Doctor: Oh wow. That reminds me of something that happened to me recently.

Sam: Oh yeah? What?

D...

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Two friends, Bob and Sam, are bored are sitting around the house. Bob asks Sam do you want to play a game?

**NOTE: This joke only really works in person and told to a group of people. **

Sam says "Ok, what's the game?"

Bob replies, "I'll blind fold you and put something up your butt and you have to guess what it is."

Sam hesitantly says, "umm ok" and puts a blind fold on and drops h...

Sam got 20 out of 100 on a test.

He thought it was a nice *score*.

Three men are selling Bibles

Three men go out selling Bibles to raise money for their church.
At the end of the day, the three meet up to discuss their success.
Bob goes first and was proud to say that he sold 5 Bibles and made $50 for the church.
Sam goes next and was pleased to say that he sold 7 Bibles and made $...

Where ya from Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm goi...

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Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

Sam was a struggling singer

Sam wanted the new iPhone but he had no money for that so samsung

Trump, Putin the Pope and Kim Jong-Un travelling by the sam airplane

The plane's engines are sudenly stopped, and they starts to falling. They have only three parachutes. The first one is grabbed by Trump and he sais: "I'm the most important person on Earth, I have to survive" and he jumps. The other one is grabbed by Kim Jong-Un and he sais: "I'm the mastermind, I'm...

Mich grabbed his Meat. Sam grabbed her buns...

The made little sam'miches together. <3

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A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the ...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

Sam and his wife

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was ...

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Sam went to see a tattooist

and asked to have a $100 note tattooed on his dick.



The tattoo artist said, "I’ve had some strange requests, but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick with a picture of a banknote?"



The man replied. "There are three reasons.
...

Abraham wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

“How much will you give me for this jacket?”

Sam checked it over. “$20, and that’s the best” he replied.

“But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Abe.

“Positive”

...

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One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden.

When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.


Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.


The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing ...

I was trying to track down a man and a woman, so I set a trap, and baited it with raw chicken.

And that's how I got Sam and Ella.

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Sam Loved Ninjas

Little Sam loved ninjas. He'd think about them all day and watch ninja movies all night.

He had a ninja costume, throwing stars, the whole shebang.

One day he's playing around and whacks himself in the eye with a nunchuck, he runs downstairs to his mum bawling "Mummy mummy mummy look...

If Sam McCringle can mingle with a single bag of Pringles in the time it takes to sing a single jingle, with how many Pringles did Sam McCringle mingle?

none... Pringles come in cans

Sam, Harry and Stuttering Joe

Sam, who wanted to impress his friends, bought a new Scooter motorcyle. Deciding he wanted to show off his new toy he drove to meet his friends Harry and Joe. Upon arriving at their usual hangout spot he was greeted by laughter by his two friends who thought a scooter was goofy looking and incapable...

Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry

A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by a Chinese man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How did you come to have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. The man explained in very...

Nicki Minaj is pregnant with Sam 'n Ella twins.

After apparently a guy named Romaine tossed her salad.

Sam's fishing secret.

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curio...

John and Sam were brothers.

Neither were married. John lived with their mother and Sam lived with his beloved cat.

One day, Sam learned that he had to go out of town for business. Not wanting to leave Fluffy alone for two weeks, he asked John to watch her. John agreed, and Sam brought her over a few days later.
...

Merry 4th of July! The difference between Uncle Sam and Santa Claus is...

Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

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With the surge in popularity of Country Music artists that have included rap in their songs, like Jason Aldean and Sam Hunt, this years CMA's will include a new category. As it is a hybrid style of genres, Rap and Country, the producers have settled on a fitting name for the award.

CRAP.

When he was 16 Sam felt the Lord calling him so he joined the local monastery.

He took the vows of celibacy, poverty, and obedience. For the next 50 years his job was to make bibles, printing them and binding them by hand. After 50 years of devotion he was ready to retire so the head monk organized a diner for Sam the next evening.

As they talked about the diner the ...

After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to ...

My buddy Sam is a thief.

My friend Sam wasn't always this way. You see, we grew up in the poor part of town, although his dad worked hard and provided, where mine was not around much and when he was my mom always yelled at him to find a permanent job. As a child I remember showing up to his house every day before school and...

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Sam and Bessie

Sam and Bessie were friends with benefits in their retirement community. One day, Sam and Bessie are sitting on the bench outside of the old folks' home. "Hey Bessie?" Sam asked. "Yeah, Sam?" Bessie replied. "Do you mind putting your hand on my penis?" He asked. "Sure," she said.

Two days la...

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

Sam 'n' Eric decide to be more grown up by cursing...

Their mother wakes them for breakfast, and asks them what they want to eat.
Sam says "Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios."
Furious, his mother backhands him across the kitchen, turns to Eric and asks "What do *you* want to eat?"
Eric stammers "I-I-I dunno, but it sure ain't gonna be n...

Samwise is preparing for his wedding...

He gathers his fellow hobbits around and then turns to Pippin.
"Pippin, I want you to be my best man."
Pippin is overjoyed, but before he can celebrate, there's a sound of someone crying, he turns and sees Frodo standing there with teary eyes.
"But Sam, what about me?" Frodo so...

A cowhand rides into town and sees a "Help Wanted" poster outside the saloon.

"Man wanted for general farm duties," he reads. "Must be strong, capable, experienced in animal handling and willing to learn. Apply to Widow Sallet, Sallet Farm, two miles east of town."

So he goes along to the farm, as it sounds like steady work and he's tired of living hand to mouth, and f...

Sam Allardyce is a disgrace and needs to be punished, humiliated and made an example of...

Therefore he should continue as England Manager

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