UPJOKE
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If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.



j/k…rolling.

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend

They're both cauldron

Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.

But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him :
— Shirley, you can't be Sirius.

I asked my daughter why Harry Styles left his band to go solo.

She said he wanted to go a different direction.

I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.

But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.

What does Harry Potter and Elton John have in common?

Both of them have spent a portion of their lives in a closet.

You’re an electrical measurement, Harry

I’m a watt

Warner Bros should create a Harry Potter spinoff series based on the life of Hermione Granger.

They should name it Granger Things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snape glares at Harry as he arrives late to class.

“Late again, Mr. Potter?", he snarls, "One hundred points from Gryffindor.”



Harry balks, “One hundred points?! Are you fucking serious?!”



Snape grows even paler than usual as looks down and says, “Albus told you, didn't he?”

An old Harry Potter joke

Voldemort goes and knocks on Snape’s door.

“Who is it?”

Voldemort: “THE DARK LORD!!”

Snape: “Sauron?”

Voldemort: “No no, the other one”

Snape: “Vader?”

Voldemort, irritated, thunders: “THE ONE YOU FEAR THE MOST!!”

Snape, confused: “Hermione??”

For a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed.

It was…just a stage he was going through.

Did you hear that Adelle started a campaign to raise awareness for sea life by reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone while scuba diving 60 ft under the water.

They called it "Rowling in the Deep"

What do you call sending an owl to Harry Potter's godfather?

Blackmail

Two men entered heaven…

and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life”

the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.”

Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter...

Harry's local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.

Police are currently combing the area for clues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry & his wife are having hard financial times ....

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

...

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Harry was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard, he sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Harry asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Harry questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get one and I get one."

Harry brought over his wife and discussed about what to ...

Yer a joule per second, Harry.

I'm a watt?

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My god. What's the good news?"

The...

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Harry, I want to tell you something. I'm gay", says Remo Lupin

"What? Are you fucking serious?"

"No Harry, I'm fucking Severus"

I just read harry potter for the first time and i think its a little unrealistic

I mean a ginger with 2 friends??

I wish there was a Harry Potter MMORPG

I'm particularly interested in the idea of a Knockturn Alley mission that involves solving a TM Riddle where the answer comes in your sleep

I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter franchise.

He was a poorly executed character.

Why did Harry Potter bring his pig to the vet?

Because it had hog warts

Where did Harry Styles go to school?

Watermelon Sugar High

Where did Harry Potter buy a white radish?

At daikon alley

Fixing or building electronics is kind of like the rememberal from Harry Potter.

When the smoke comes out, it means you've forgotten something.

Harry whent to tell Remus Lupin something.

"Hey Lupin there is a black dog following me"

Lupin: "It must be serious"

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

Christians and Harry Potter fans have one thing in common.

They get mad at you when you say that their book has plotholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situa...

Why couldn't harry potter feel the magic?

Because he was having a dry spell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?

RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!

For my cake day, a Harry Potter joke I made up when I was a kid...

*Knock-knock*

~ Who’s there?

~ You know

~ you know who?

*avada kedavra!*

Sorry if everyone knows that one, 7 year old me thought I was being very clever.

Paddy and Mick

Paddy asks Mick. "Who is the one person you would want to be stranded on a desert island with?".

Mick replys. "My uncle Harry because he has a boat".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?

Expellianus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

What did Harry say when the queen asked how black the newborn was?

Just a lilibet

Prince Charles was organising the buffet for the Jubilee

He and Camilla would bring the pheasant

William and Kate arranged the quails

Harry and Meghan were providing the caviar

Andrew said he would bring cupcakes, but Charles said 'no', because at the last gathering she downed a bottle of the queen's sherry and threw up

What did Hagrid say to Harry after he was bitten by Lupin?

Yer a hairy wizard

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.

He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

Star Wars & Harry Potter fandoms go to war. Why do Star Wars fans focus on JK Rowling's social media?

They wanted to beat them on their own TERF.

Lupin: "Harry, there are two things I need to talk to you about. The first thing is, I'm a werewolf. The second thing is..."

Harry: "Are you f\*\*king serious?"

Lupin: "How did you know?"

How does Harry Potter enter Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbledore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry gets pulled over on the highway for speeding

Harry: Is there a problem, officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone

Harry: No, I was only going 65 tops

Harry's girlfriend: Oh Harry, you were going at least 80

Harry gives his girlfriend a nasty look

Cop: I'm also writing you a ticket for that broken ...

Did Any gamblers make money predicting the name of Harry and Meghan's daughter?

I wish I had a Lilibet.

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

What's the real reason Prince Harry loves America?

When he goes to a strip bar, he doesn't have to tuck a picture of his grandmother in the girl's G-strings.

Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.

When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.

When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.

And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.

I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Co...

A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey...

got any Snapes?”

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson.

For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

I just changed my name and cut my hair!

I am no longer Harry

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year...

You will still be just as single as when you started the movie.

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman: "I am going to be your step godmother."

Harry Potter: "Are you fucking Sirius?"

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.

A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, n...

Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow!

A married couple, Harry, and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, “**Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?**
She said she would like something electric.”
Harry replies, “How about a chair?”

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

I heard they found Harry Potter licking packages in the mailroom again...

Parceltongue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom, Dick, and Harry were in a bar

Talking through the late hours of the night into the morning. A little after midnight they got into an argument over the difference between irritation, anger, and frustration. Finally Tom bets the other two $50 that he can demonstrate that with just three phone calls. So they take the bet. They all ...

How did Harry Potter travel during the pandemic ?

“ flue” powder

Why won't you ever find Harry, Hermione or Ron crying in front of the rest of the school?

Cuz, they belong to the bravest house.
They don't cry publicly; they Grief-indoor.

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

You know that scene in Harry Potter where his godfather dies?

That was a dead Sirius moment

In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis have in common?

Hogwarts.

What do you get when you cross Harry Potter with Luke Skywalker?

Scar Wars.

Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called...

Wand Erection

Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?

Because they didn't want to elect ron

I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

I know it’s only 6 words, but I’m proud of myself.

My little boy asked me today "dad when you were in college, did you live in a dorm just like the ones in Harry Potter?"

"Yeah," I said, "Pretty much. And even though we don't have defence against the dark art, every class is like defence against the dark art."

"Oh you mean you have to learn lot's of useful things?"

"No, it's just that our prefessor sucks ass, hates us and wanna fail us all the time."

Why couldn't Harry Potter find Hermione?

He was looking at all the Ron places

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Meghan feel after her first night with Harry?

She said it was a royal pain in the ass.

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

Harry and Meghan are leaving the throne

At least 2 people know how to make a proper Brexit

My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back

It isn’t my fault I was the one facing the tv

What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

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