Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend?

They're both cauldron

How did harry potter get down the hill?

Walking.

LoL

JK. Rolling.

What’s the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant?

One conjures spells and the other spells conjure.

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How did Meghan feel after her first night with Harry?

She said it was a royal pain in the ass.

You're police with Special weapons and tactics Harry

I'm a SWAT?

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Harry potter and Hermione are talking

Harry: Hermione, im gay.

Hermione: Are you fucking kidding?

Harry: No im fucking sirius.

Did you know that Harry Potter’s favorite way of going down a hill is running?

J.k. Rowling

What kind of drink would Harry Potter order at a bar?

Something Gin-ey

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John owned a Pizzeria with his buddy Harry.

But John wasn't satisfied with only making pizza every day. He wanted to study and walk a different path in life. So he decided to get back to school.

He told his buddy Harry that he would go see a consultant to talk about which subjects he should study.

The next day he went to meet wi...

My little boy asked me today "dad when you were in college, did you live in a dorm just like the ones in Harry Potter?"

"Yeah," I said, "Pretty much. And even though we don't have defence against the dark art, every class is like defence against the dark art."

"Oh you mean you have to learn lot's of useful things?"

"No, it's just that our prefessor sucks ass, hates us and wanna fail us all the time."

Dumbledore : "You are unit of power, Harry."

Harry: "I'm a watt?"

I like the Harry Potter books and movies but

I think the character of Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

You know those brooms they ride around on in Harry Potter? How much do they cost?

About a quid each...

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Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."

"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.

"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

The class of 1950 gets together for their class reunion. Not many people are left, but two of the 10 people to attend were Harry, an 88 year old widower, and Esther, an 87 year old divorcee.

Over the course of the evening, they had a great time chatting about old times and their families. They each felt a real connection and by the time the night was out, Harry had proposed and Esther has happily accepted.

The next morning, Harry woke up and was frustrated to realize that he cou...

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

What do you call Harry Potter going through puberty?

Hairy Pitter

Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter tp be president?

Because they didnt want to Elect Ron

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch

Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called...

Wand Erection

In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws it out.

You're a blizzard Harry!

(not mine) I hate the Harry Potter franchise, it's too unrealistic.

I mean I'm not saying magic is impossible, everyone on my estate fights with sticks, there may even be the odd unicorn about, but who, has ever seen a ginger kid with two mates ?

Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.

If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year...

You will still be just as single as when you started the movie.

Why couldn't Harry Potter find Hermione?

He was looking at all the Ron places

I found that the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be light hearted.

The fifth one ——dead Sirius.

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Harry Potter and Fast & Furious crossover movie

Bitches be vroomin', Witches be broomin'

Harry Potter sees a black dog...

Harry: Sirius, is that you in disguise?

Sirius: I am, surely, and don't call me Sirius

How did the author of harry potter go down the hill?

Walking.


J.k. Rowling



Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.

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I honestly don’t understand why the church is so against Harry Potter

Nothing guarantees you pre martial virginity more than talking about what animal you patronus would be and what your wand would be made of.

Harry and Meghan are leaving the throne

At least 2 people know how to make a proper Brexit

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John and Harry are walking in the desert when John is suddenly struck on his penis by a rattlesnake...

“What do we do?!” John yells in excruciating pain.

Harry grabs his cell from his pocket “Hang in there, I’ll call the doctor and ask!”

The doctor tells Harry: “First, you need to remain calm. Panic will only worsen the situation. Now, cut a 1/4” incision and carefully suck the venom ou...

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Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

Your opinion on the Harry Potter movie adaptations?

I thought that they were pretty good, and stayed faithful to the books. Although in my opinion, Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

Harry Potter woke up in the Hospital.

A bit confused Harry asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why, you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a com...

In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

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Three women were fed up with their husbands

They agree that the best way to get their husbands to help with cleaning, is to stop doing it themselves. A week later, they meet again to discuss how it went.

The first one said: 'My Harry never did the laundry. I was sick of it. I told him: 'Harry, you lazy ass, I'm not doing your laundry a...

After a rewatch of Harry Potter, a mother approaches her son and asks...

- Sweetie, who's the actress that plays Hermione again?

- Emma.

- Emma what, son?

- Exactly.

Harry Houdini used to fall through a trap door in every act

He was going through a stage

There's a new epic movie coming out about Harry & Meghan abandoning the royalty and moving to Georgia to lead an agrarian lifestyle.

It's called ***Gone with the Windsors***

I’ve started a Harry Potter themed food blog.

Fantastic Feasts and Where to Find Them

Why did Harry get banned from quidditch for using a potion to turn into John Cena?

He got caught for polyjuicing.

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

I think Harry Potter would fit in well working at the post office...

Apparently he's got the rare gift of being able to speak Parceltongue.

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What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?

Expelianus!

Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson.

For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.

Harry and Meghan announced that they were stepping away from the royal family to focus on their work...

This is the first time someone is quitting their family to spend more time with their job

I have watched a Harry Potter movie every day for the past 10 years

They still haven't lost their magic.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and a jew?

Harry Potter came out of the chamber.

Q: What was the first Harry Potter Movie...

A: Die Hard. A man sneaks around a tower trying to avoid Alan Rickman.

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How do they call a tentacle porn in a Harry Potter universe?

Squidditch

Harry Potter became vegan...

Now he only speaks parsleytongue

Harry asks his wife Theodora, "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"

Theodora looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, embarrassed: "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

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Three Friends

Three friends ( Tom, Dick and Harry) grew together and were quite close. After high school Tom ventured into business and was a successful businessman. On the other hand Dick and Harry finishes their education but are frustrated for not finding a job.

With no hope left Dick approaches Tom for...

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

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On a Train Journey:-

“Madam, could you please tell your son to stop imitating me, it’s very annoying!”
“I’m so sorry…...Harry! Stop acting like an asshole!”

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

What is a dermatologist's favorite aspect of the Harry Potter series?

Quit-itch

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A Joke I've Translated From British Sign Language

Jake and Harry are a gay, teen couple. One day Jake's parents announce they will be going on holiday for the weekend and the house will be empty.

Jake and Harry jump at the chance to get plenty of alone time and spend the weekend having non-stop anal sex.

On the sunday morning Harry re...

Harry potter refuses to acknowledge he is imaginary

He is in daniel.

I dislike people who constantly make Harry Potter references and I hate the use of malapropism for comedic effect but...

I’ll admit I’m a bit of a hippogryph sometimes.

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

(NSFW) What's the difference between Harry potter and jewish people?

Harry could escape the chambers

What do Harry Potter and the Bloods have in common?

They're both after a golden snitch.

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What does Harry Styles call his boner?

Wonder Erection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

Harry Potter is invited to a... "gathering" at Hogwarts one night.

He is told to go through the door marked by a gryphon. As he does so, he wonders what this is all about. When he enters the room, he is stunned to see Malfoy obviously inebriated on the floor, just slitherin' over to the side, towards a guy who would repeatedly huff 'n' puff clouds of smoke. Next to...

A guy walks into a brothel...

“I’d like to have a girl.”

The madame gets on the loudspeaker:

“Harry- lube up Sarah!”

“That’ll be $40.”

“I don’t have that much.”

“Harry- forget it! Lube up Tonya!”

“That’ll be $20.”

“I don’t have that much either.”

“Harry- forget it! ...

What do you call a moile in the Harry Potter wizarding world?

Professor Snip

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

What did Harry say to Hermione when she lent him a galleon?

Thanks for the gold kind Granger!

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