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"Harry, I want to tell you something. I'm gay", says Remo Lupin

"What? Are you fucking serious?"

"No Harry, I'm fucking Severus"

How does Harry Potter enter Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbledore.

Hagrid: You're a unit of power, Harry

Harry: I'm a watt?

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

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Harry gets pulled over on the highway for speeding

Harry: Is there a problem, officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone

Harry: No, I was only going 65 tops

Harry's girlfriend: Oh Harry, you were going at least 80

Harry gives his girlfriend a nasty look

Cop: I'm also writing you a ticket for that broken ...

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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker...

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A h...

Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson.

For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.

What food delivery service does Harry Potter prefer?

Dumble-Door Dash

Lupin: "Harry, there are two things I need to talk to you about. The first thing is, I'm a werewolf. The second thing is..."

Harry: "Are you f\*\*king serious?"

Lupin: "How did you know?"

The magical world of Harry Potter is a cast system.

*Ba dum tss*

Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion.

You're a blizzard Dairy.

Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight...

You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking!



Jk... Rolling

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Harry Potter confesses something to Ron...

Harry: "I've been having relations with a teacher."
Ron: "Are you fucking serious?!"
Harry: "No, I'm fucking Snape."

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend?

They're both cauldron

How did Harry Potter travel during the pandemic ?

“ flue” powder

Why won't you ever find Harry, Hermione or Ron crying in front of the rest of the school?

Cuz, they belong to the bravest house.
They don't cry publicly; they Grief-indoor.

I am so sorry Harry.

I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you.

I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you wil...

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

Fifth one— Dead Sirius.

What do you get when you cross Harry Potter with Luke Skywalker?

Scar Wars.

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

What do you call Harry Potter when he plays golf?

Harry Putter

What is Harry Potters favorite way of going down a hill?

Walking

J/K Rowling

Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?

Because he spoke python.

Haha
Haha

What’s the most common STD in Harry Potter?

Hog Warts

What happens when Harry Potter says accidental?

Someone loses a tooth.

I heard they found Harry Potter licking packages in the mailroom again...

Parceltongue

I liked the Harry Potter books and films but...

I think the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

You know that scene in Harry Potter where his godfather dies?

That was a dead Sirius moment

What is the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter?

A ginger with two friends.

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

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How did Meghan feel after her first night with Harry?

She said it was a royal pain in the ass.

You know Harry Potter and the order of the Phoenix ?

That’s when they books starting getting dead Sirius

You're police with Special weapons and tactics Harry

I'm a SWAT?

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John owned a Pizzeria with his buddy Harry.

But John wasn't satisfied with only making pizza every day. He wanted to study and walk a different path in life. So he decided to get back to school.

He told his buddy Harry that he would go see a consultant to talk about which subjects he should study.

The next day he went to meet wi...

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

My little boy asked me today "dad when you were in college, did you live in a dorm just like the ones in Harry Potter?"

"Yeah," I said, "Pretty much. And even though we don't have defence against the dark art, every class is like defence against the dark art."

"Oh you mean you have to learn lot's of useful things?"

"No, it's just that our prefessor sucks ass, hates us and wanna fail us all the time."

What’s the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant?

One conjures spells and the other spells conjure.

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

What kind of drink would Harry Potter order at a bar?

Something Gin-ey

Harry has been having heart issues for sometime now but he kept procrastinating a doctor's visit until his wife finally forced him to go.

After a thorough physical exam, the doctor walked in with the results but he said he wanted to talk to Sally first and asks Harry to wait outside.

Sally asks "How is my husband?"

The doctor said "Your husband's heart condition is a result of years of stress. If things continue this way...

You know those brooms they ride around on in Harry Potter? How much do they cost?

About a quid each...

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

The class of 1950 gets together for their class reunion. Not many people are left, but two of the 10 people to attend were Harry, an 88 year old widower, and Esther, an 87 year old divorcee.

Over the course of the evening, they had a great time chatting about old times and their families. They each felt a real connection and by the time the night was out, Harry had proposed and Esther has happily accepted.

The next morning, Harry woke up and was frustrated to realize that he cou...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.

Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called...

Wand Erection

Why couldn't Harry Potter find Hermione?

He was looking at all the Ron places

In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws it out.

You're a blizzard Harry!

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York...

On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’. ‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said. In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is ...

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch

Harry and Meghan are leaving the throne

At least 2 people know how to make a proper Brexit

(not mine) I hate the Harry Potter franchise, it's too unrealistic.

I mean I'm not saying magic is impossible, everyone on my estate fights with sticks, there may even be the odd unicorn about, but who, has ever seen a ginger kid with two mates ?

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I honestly don’t understand why the church is so against Harry Potter

Nothing guarantees you pre martial virginity more than talking about what animal you patronus would be and what your wand would be made of.

How did the author of harry potter go down the hill?

Walking.


J.k. Rowling



Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.

In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

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Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

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John and Harry are walking in the desert when John is suddenly struck on his penis by a rattlesnake...

“What do we do?!” John yells in excruciating pain.

Harry grabs his cell from his pocket “Hang in there, I’ll call the doctor and ask!”

The doctor tells Harry: “First, you need to remain calm. Panic will only worsen the situation. Now, cut a 1/4” incision and carefully suck the venom ou...

What do you call Harry Potter going through puberty?

Hairy Pitter

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Harry Potter and Fast & Furious crossover movie

Bitches be vroomin', Witches be broomin'

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

I’ve started a Harry Potter themed food blog.

Fantastic Feasts and Where to Find Them

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A couple has been dating for three months in the sex is getting dull

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shìt on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it...

My girlfriend spends all my money on Harry Potter books and merchandize

How do i tell her it's not hermoine

Harry Potter woke up in the Hospital.

A bit confused Harry asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why, you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a com...

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What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?

Expelianus!

Harry Houdini used to fall through a trap door in every act

He was going through a stage

Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?

Because they didn't want to elect ron

Why did Harry get banned from quidditch for using a potion to turn into John Cena?

He got caught for polyjuicing.

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

I think Harry Potter would fit in well working at the post office...

Apparently he's got the rare gift of being able to speak Parceltongue.

Harry Potter became vegan...

Now he only speaks parsleytongue

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and a jew?

Harry Potter came out of the chamber.

Does anyone have Debbie Harry's phone number?

I was told that I could call her any time, day or night.

Bald man

Bald man marries a bald women
When they had a son, they named him Harry

A teacher asks her class to use the word Contagious in a sentence...

Harry says: 'At the End of WW1 there was the spanish flu & it was very contagious'

'That's right', said the teacher



Jessica stands up & says: 'In Europe during the middle ages there was the bubonic plague & it was highly contagious'


'Well Done' notes th...

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How do they call a tentacle porn in a Harry Potter universe?

Squidditch

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