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"Harry, I want to tell you something. I'm gay", says Remo Lupin

"What? Are you fucking serious?"

"No Harry, I'm fucking Severus"

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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker...

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A h...

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

What is Harry Potters favorite way of going down a hill?

Walking

J/K Rowling

I am so sorry Harry.

I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you.

I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you wil...

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Harry Potter confesses something to Ron...

Harry: "I've been having relations with a teacher."
Ron: "Are you fucking serious?!"
Harry: "No, I'm fucking Snape."

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend?

They're both cauldron

What happens when Harry Potter says accidental?

Someone loses a tooth.

How did harry potter get down the hill?

Walking.

LoL

JK. Rolling.

What’s the most common STD in Harry Potter?

Hog Warts

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

Fifth one— Dead Sirius.

I heard they found Harry Potter licking packages in the mailroom again...

Parceltongue

Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?

Because he spoke python.

Haha
Haha

You know that scene in Harry Potter where his godfather dies?

That was a dead Sirius moment

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What did Harry Potter catch from the Prostitute?

Hogwarts

You're a blemish, Harry.

I'm a wart?

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Harry potter and Hermione are talking

Harry: Hermione, im gay.

Hermione: Are you fucking kidding?

Harry: No im fucking sirius.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

I liked the Harry Potter books and films but...

I think the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed

What is the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter?

A ginger with two friends.

You know Harry Potter and the order of the Phoenix ?

That’s when they books starting getting dead Sirius

What’s the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant?

One conjures spells and the other spells conjure.

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John owned a Pizzeria with his buddy Harry.

But John wasn't satisfied with only making pizza every day. He wanted to study and walk a different path in life. So he decided to get back to school.

He told his buddy Harry that he would go see a consultant to talk about which subjects he should study.

The next day he went to meet wi...

You're police with Special weapons and tactics Harry

I'm a SWAT?

What did Harry Potter say when he found out the werewolf that had been terrorising his school was his Godfather?

You cannot be Sirius

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

My little boy asked me today "dad when you were in college, did you live in a dorm just like the ones in Harry Potter?"

"Yeah," I said, "Pretty much. And even though we don't have defence against the dark art, every class is like defence against the dark art."

"Oh you mean you have to learn lot's of useful things?"

"No, it's just that our prefessor sucks ass, hates us and wanna fail us all the time."

What kind of drink would Harry Potter order at a bar?

Something Gin-ey

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

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I met a Harry Potter fanfic writer. But their writting was very boring, they were just retelling the original plot in other words. I recommended them to take a break, read something different for new perspective/inspiration, and then try again.

They took my advice and then month later they sent me draft of the first chapter of their new fanfic.

"-You know Harry, Ron said. I'm not really Irish. I'm actually Jewish.

-Then I have something to tell you too, Harry said, smiling. This train isn't really going to Hogwarts."

...

Dumbledore : "You are unit of power, Harry."

Harry: "I'm a watt?"

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

Harry has been having heart issues for sometime now but he kept procrastinating a doctor's visit until his wife finally forced him to go.

After a thorough physical exam, the doctor walked in with the results but he said he wanted to talk to Sally first and asks Harry to wait outside.

Sally asks "How is my husband?"

The doctor said "Your husband's heart condition is a result of years of stress. If things continue this way...

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

You know those brooms they ride around on in Harry Potter? How much do they cost?

About a quid each...

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York...

On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’. ‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said. In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is ...

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

The class of 1950 gets together for their class reunion. Not many people are left, but two of the 10 people to attend were Harry, an 88 year old widower, and Esther, an 87 year old divorcee.

Over the course of the evening, they had a great time chatting about old times and their families. They each felt a real connection and by the time the night was out, Harry had proposed and Esther has happily accepted.

The next morning, Harry woke up and was frustrated to realize that he cou...

How does Harry potter fuel his car?

He goes Execto petroleum

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

Bald man

Bald man marries a bald women
When they had a son, they named him Harry

Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called...

Wand Erection

Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.

If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year...

You will still be just as single as when you started the movie.

In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws it out.

You're a blizzard Harry!

What do you call an assault rifle in the Harry Potter Universe?

A JK47

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

What do you call Harry Potter going through puberty?

Hairy Pitter

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch

Why couldn't Harry Potter find Hermione?

He was looking at all the Ron places

(not mine) I hate the Harry Potter franchise, it's too unrealistic.

I mean I'm not saying magic is impossible, everyone on my estate fights with sticks, there may even be the odd unicorn about, but who, has ever seen a ginger kid with two mates ?

A teacher asks her class to use the word Contagious in a sentence...

Harry says: 'At the End of WW1 there was the spanish flu & it was very contagious'

'That's right', said the teacher



Jessica stands up & says: 'In Europe during the middle ages there was the bubonic plague & it was highly contagious'


'Well Done' notes th...

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I honestly don’t understand why the church is so against Harry Potter

Nothing guarantees you pre martial virginity more than talking about what animal you patronus would be and what your wand would be made of.

Harry and Meghan are leaving the throne

At least 2 people know how to make a proper Brexit

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Harry Potter and Fast & Furious crossover movie

Bitches be vroomin', Witches be broomin'

How did the author of harry potter go down the hill?

Walking.


J.k. Rowling



Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.

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John and Harry are walking in the desert when John is suddenly struck on his penis by a rattlesnake...

“What do we do?!” John yells in excruciating pain.

Harry grabs his cell from his pocket “Hang in there, I’ll call the doctor and ask!”

The doctor tells Harry: “First, you need to remain calm. Panic will only worsen the situation. Now, cut a 1/4” incision and carefully suck the venom ou...

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A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

two dogs are sitting in a bar talking politics

two dogs are sitting in a bar talking politics.

"i dunno Harry , im not sure i can support a president that does not support Israel , they have always been one of our strongest allies "

"Sure , Bob , But what about the Palestine people ?"

at this , a squirrel jumps up on the ba...

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Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

My girlfriend spends all my money on Harry Potter books and merchandize

How do i tell her it's not hermoine

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A transphobe, a racist, a homophobe and an anti-Semite walk into a bar.

The bartender says “Hey, didn’t you write those Harry Potter books?”

Who’s a hairdresser’s favorite musical artist?

Harry Styles

I’ve started a Harry Potter themed food blog.

Fantastic Feasts and Where to Find Them

Harry Potter woke up in the Hospital.

A bit confused Harry asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why, you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a com...

Harry Houdini used to fall through a trap door in every act

He was going through a stage

After a rewatch of Harry Potter, a mother approaches her son and asks...

- Sweetie, who's the actress that plays Hermione again?

- Emma.

- Emma what, son?

- Exactly.

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What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?

Expelianus!

Why did Harry get banned from quidditch for using a potion to turn into John Cena?

He got caught for polyjuicing.

There's a new epic movie coming out about Harry & Meghan abandoning the royalty and moving to Georgia to lead an agrarian lifestyle.

It's called ***Gone with the Windsors***

Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson.

For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.

I think Harry Potter would fit in well working at the post office...

Apparently he's got the rare gift of being able to speak Parceltongue.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and a jew?

Harry Potter came out of the chamber.

Harry Potter became vegan...

Now he only speaks parsleytongue

Does anyone have Debbie Harry's phone number?

I was told that I could call her any time, day or night.

Harry and Meghan announced that they were stepping away from the royal family to focus on their work...

This is the first time someone is quitting their family to spend more time with their job

Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?

Because they didn't want to elect ron

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

Q: What was the first Harry Potter Movie...

A: Die Hard. A man sneaks around a tower trying to avoid Alan Rickman.

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My mate had builders in doing an extension...

and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.

At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of $2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money ...

Harry asks his wife Theodora, "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"

Theodora looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, embarrassed: "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

Did anyone see the new Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels movie last night?

Dumb and Dumber III: Lloyd and Harry Run for President.

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

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