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Harry Jokes

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.

…

j/k…rolling.

I met a girl who was a solid 10 but she hated Harry Potter

Now she is a 9¾

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."

"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.

"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

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Dirty Harry...

Dumbledore turns to Mcgonagall...
"Minerva, you're such a dear friend. There's something I've been meaning to share with you. You see, Minerva I'm gay."

Professor Mcgonagall looking quite shocked meets his eye,

"Why Albus, you must be joking!"

"NO, Minerva. I'm fucking Sirius...

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What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis have in common?

Hogwarts.

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Harry Potter and the secret of Riddle

"He pulled Harry's wand from his pocket and began to trace it through the air, writing three shimmering words:

tom marvolo riddle

Then he waved the wand once, and the letters of his name rearranged themselves:

Mr. Tom, a Dildo Lover

"wait, shit, no," said Riddle."

Whats the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?

Harry survived the attic scene

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

"I've a downloaded copy of Prince Harry's book 'Spare'. Do you wish to read it?"

"Is it a pdf file?"



"Nope, thats his uncle. A totally different Prince"

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

Why can't Harry potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

Harry the gecko

Harry the gecko is asked in school what he wants to be when he grows up.

Harry - "I want to be a witch."

Teacher gecko - "No, you cannot be a witch."

Harry - "Why not? Hermione gets to be a witch."

Teacher gecko - "Because your're a lizard Harry."

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

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What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry gets to take the train back.

Harry Potter woke up in hospital

"You've been in a coma for eight years", said the surgeon. "You ran in to a brick wall. LMFAO".

I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.

But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.

Yerr a unit of power, Harry

I'm a watt?

What does Harry Potter and your Soulmate have in common?

They're both fictional Characters.

The following is a joke from 'Harry Hills Whopping Great Joke Book' and I really don't get it. Could anyone enlighten me?

My wife is a stickler for tidiness. I just bought her a cuckoo clock and she's started putting paper under it.

What's the most far fetched thing about Harry Potter ??

Thata ginger would have two friends.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

Why can’t Harry Potter draw a straight line ?

He can only draw Diagon Alley.

I was totally shocked that my Border Collie loved the Harry Potter movies

I mean, he completely hated the books

Everyone knows Harry Potter graduated from Hogwarts, but not many people know that Harry Styles failed to do so.

He was expelled after starting wand erection.

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Tom, Dick, and Harry were in a bar

Talking through the late hours of the night into the morning. A little after midnight they got into an argument over the difference between irritation, anger, and frustration. Finally Tom bets the other two $50 that he can demonstrate that with just three phone calls. So they take the bet. They all ...

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

Yer a joule per second, Harry.

I'm a watt?

My wife brought home the new Prince Harry book

I prefer Cushelle or Andrex personally but times are hard I suppose

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for s...

Harry is dating a cross-eyed girl

He walks into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, Harry, you still going out with that cute cross-eyed girl?"


Harry says, "No. I found out she was seeing other guys on the side."

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What is the best-known sex position in the Harry Potter universe?

Dobby style.

HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.

It's called Granger Things

What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter?

They both went to Mount Vernon.

Frank and Harry are at their golf club...

As Frank gets set to take his swing, a funeral procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank’s shoulder and says "That was a thoughtful thing to do". To which Frank replies "It was the least I could do, we were married for...

An old Harry Potter joke

Voldemort goes and knocks on Snape’s door.

“Who is it?”

Voldemort: “THE DARK LORD!!”

Snape: “Sauron?”

Voldemort: “No no, the other one”

Snape: “Vader?”

Voldemort, irritated, thunders: “THE ONE YOU FEAR THE MOST!!”

Snape, confused: “Hermione??”

Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.

But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him :
— Shirley, you can't be Sirius.

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

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What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?

Expellianus

The Dirty Harry line wouldn't have worked in the flintlock era

"Did he fire one shot or only zero?"

Where did Harry Styles go to school?

Watermelon Sugar High

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

I know it’s only 6 words, but I’m proud of myself.

I asked my daughter why Harry Styles left his band to go solo.

She said he wanted to go a different direction.

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Snape glares at Harry as he arrives late to class.

“Late again, Mr. Potter?", he snarls, "One hundred points from Gryffindor.”



Harry balks, “One hundred points?! Are you fucking serious?!”



Snape grows even paler than usual as looks down and says, “Albus told you, didn't he?”

What does Harry Potter and Elton John have in common?

Both of them have spent a portion of their lives in a closet.

Harry whent to tell Remus Lupin something.

"Hey Lupin there is a black dog following me"

Lupin: "It must be serious"

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Harry was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard, he sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Harry asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Harry questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get one and I get one."

Harry brought over his wife and discussed about what to ...

Where did Harry Potter buy a white radish?

At daikon alley

What do you call sending an owl to Harry Potter's godfather?

Blackmail

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

Why couldn't harry potter feel the magic?

Because he was having a dry spell

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My god. What's the good news?"

The...

For a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed.

It was…just a stage he was going through.

Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall."

Why did Harry Potter bring his pig to the vet?

Because it had hog warts

Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?

Because they didn't want to elect ron

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Cheating

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.

It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"



(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)

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What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?

RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*

What's the real reason Prince Harry loves America?

When he goes to a strip bar, he doesn't have to tuck a picture of his grandmother in the girl's G-strings.

Why couldn't Harry Potter find Hermione?

He was looking at all the Ron places

Harry and Meghan are leaving the throne

At least 2 people know how to make a proper Brexit

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

Harry Potter became vegan...

Now he only speaks parsleytongue

My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back

It isn’t my fault I was the one facing the tv

I just read harry potter for the first time and i think its a little unrealistic

I mean a ginger with 2 friends??

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, ...

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A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder...

...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.

After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

He decided that he was definitely not drunk...

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!

The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!

Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, ...

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

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