As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jill decides to take her husband Jack to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Jack! How ya doin'?"

Jill is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," says Jack. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Jack if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

What do Paul the Apostle and Jack the Ripper have in common?

They have the same middle name.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm...

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

Do you think Jack can tell me what a person from Corsica is called?

Corsican

My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables..

Jack and the beans talk.

Joseph and jack were hanging out at night

Jack : "so joseph , do you know what's closer, the moon or Mexico?"

Joseph: "of course, its the moon"

Jack: "Wait what"

Joseph: "Can you see mexico from here ,smartass"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

I jacked off on an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels

My friend Jack …

… woke up on January 1st 2021, glanced over at his wife Edna and was suprised to see that she looked weirdly pixelated.


“Oh my god!” he yelped with a look of confusion and growing concern on his face, “What happened last night?!”


Seeing his expression, Edna reached over to ...

How do you mend a broken Jack-O'-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

My mate Jack has just got himself a job as a gynecologist.

We now call him Flapjack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there is this guy named Jack...

There’s a guy named Jack. He has a girlfriend named Wendy. Jack is hopelessly in love with Wendy, and decides to ask her to marry him. To prove how much he loves her, he goes and gets “Wendy” tattooed on his penis, as a gesture of loyalty. When he’s erect, his penis shows her name, and when it’s li...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

After the dalmation knocked up the neighbor's Jack Russell...

...he experienced post-mutt clarity.

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I helped my uncle jack off a horse

My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Alice

A worker has 2 employees, Jack and Alice. He doesn't need one of them to work for him.
They are both equally as good and he's doesn't know what to do.
One day he is sitting in the cafeteria, Alice approaches him.
"What's wrong boss" says Alice
"I either have to lay you or jack off" re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill went up the hill

Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick Jill's candy,

But Jack got a shock

And a mouth full of cock

Coz Jill's real name was Randy.

How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?

They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

Jack got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,

"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," Jack assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after ...

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock a...

Why did Jack the Ripper stop killing people?

He was taking a stabbatical.

After jacking myself off to logical deduction, i realized that im really weird.

This is the conclusion that i came to.

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends Jack and John, both having piles since quite a time, met for a regular evening walk..

Two friends Jack and John, both having piles (haemorrhoids) since a considerable time, met for a regular evening walk and sat down. Jack said, "Today I met an amazing doctor, he really treated me well and my ass is really soothing today.". John said, " Same here friend, I too met a kind and nice doc...

Did you know

Did you know ,

Jack the Ripper and

Whinnie the pooh

Both have the same middle names

Coincidence

So the life guard jacked me up the other day...

"Hey, I'm going to have to throw you out. You can't pee in the pool!"

"Everyone pees in the damn pool!" I say.

"That's a maybe, but not from the diving board!"

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?

"Have you bean stalking me?"

Jack takes ball bearings to school

He gets bored during class, takes them out, and rolls them back and forth across his desk. A couple of them roll right off the desk, up the aisle between the desks, and right up to the teacher. She sees the ball bearings and realizes that someone has been playing instead of paying attention.

...

Met a pirate with a wooden leg called Jack.

Don't know what he named his other leg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

Drinking Jack Daniel's while beating scrambled eggs...

It's a bit whiskey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

Teacher came to Jack's desk

-You had the same answers in your test as Stan. So you must have cheated.

-How do you know that Stan didn't look at my answers? Jack defended himself.

-Stan had written "I don't know" and you had written "I don't know either"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

Did you know things are so bad that even Capt. Jack Sparrow has had trouble making ends meet?

He can barely afford to keep a skeleton crew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I’m still mad at my friend for taking my chicken without asking…

He jacked my cock with no warning at all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cowboy Jack

So I used to have this friend named Jack. He was pretty fat, and he thought he was a cowboy. He loved to ride horses. I was surprised they held him up. Well Jack just kept getting fatter and fatter. He refused to give up riding. Then one day he got stuck in his saddle. He tried to throw himself over...

John and Jack were talking in a bar...

John said: “you know Jack, I’ll miss you when you are gone. You‘ll be buried, grass will grow over you, a cow will eat it and will do its business on the road. I’ll look to it and think “poor Jack, changed so much”.

Jack than replied: “dear John, I’ll also miss you when you are gone. You‘ll ...

How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?

They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Dead funny

Late one night Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetary. Hearing a tapping sound, he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scared out of his wits.
Then he notices a man chiseling a tombstone.
"Thank goodness!" Jack says to the man.
"You gave me a ...

Why couldn’t Jack, from Jack and the Beanstalk, go up to the castle in the sky anymore?

He’s already bean there

I don’t know whether to get a jack russel or a lab...

Because I really like dogs, but I also really like to have a place to do experiments

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack.

Conversation between my grandfather and me.

Grandad: Jack, you're too attached to technology.
Me: No YOU'RE Too attached to technology! *unplugs life support*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I'm not saying I jack off a lot...

but my computer looks like Spiderman saved it after it fell out of a window.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job advertisement

A company was searching for someone to pack items. The only requirement for the job was to be able to count to ten.

The first applicant comes in and is asked to count to ten.

>10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Well, that's backwards. Can you also do it in the correct ord...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you fix a broken Jack o’ Lantern?

With a Pumpkin Patch.

It’s crappy, I know. Saw it on my local library’s wall.

if your friend Jack got stuck on a horse

would you help Jack of a horse

Whats the difference between Jack and Jill?

I cant Jill off onto your face.

Why was CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin jacking off on a Zoom call?

Because last month they switched over from WebEx.

What do you call Jack Bauer after he rips a bong?

Reefer Sutherland

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a brit say when Jack is late?

Ejaculate!

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

It was Ho Choo’s first time in America, and he was excited to visit an “American bar”.

He quickly locates one and finds a seat by the counter, where two other men are already seated.

The surly bartender tilts his head at the first man, who says “Jack Daniels, single.”

The bartender nods and looks towards the second man, who says, “Johnny Walker, single.”

The bart...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny and Little Jack were playing the Penis game, a game where you shout 'penis' louder and louder.

Little Johnny: Wanna play the penis game?

Little Jack: Ok

Little Johnny: penis

Little Jack: Penis

Little Johnny: PEnis

Little Jack: PENis

Little Johnny: PENIS!

Teacher: LITTLE JOHNNY! GO TO THE FRONT OFFICE, NOW!

Little Johnny: Okay :(

-...

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby..

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby but unfortunately he was born without ears.

When Jack's family is invited to the neighbors to see the child, Jack's father takes him aside and explains:

\- This child is their greatest joy and they wanted him for a long time! Do not say anyt...

Jack, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.

They both have a great time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t astronauts jack off in the shuttle?

Because working under a suspended load is an OSHA violation

I used to work the front desk at this small car repair shop.

It was owned by a couple of guys, Jack and Jay. Both guys were really well known and liked around town but Jack never seemed to come into the shop.

People would come in frequently looking for Jack and I would tell them “Jays here but Jacks off all day.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill were two farmers on the Eastern edge of Tennessee. They had recently been told that meat was un-christian like, so they decided to grow almonds and use the money from it to replace the money they'd get from selling meats.

Eventually, they realized they can't drink milk, so they...

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

What do you get when you mix Jack Daniel’s with Smirnoff?

Jacknoff?

When did pinochio discover he was made of wood?

He tried jacking off and set himself on fire.

Jack emigrates to a strange new country in search of a job.

When he arrives at the terminal, the customs officer gives him one piece of strange advice before he enters the country.

“Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck”

Jack thought this advice was strange, but as he walked out the airport he saw thousands of ducks flood his view, so much so t...

Jack Daniels couldn't be with us this evening....

.....but he's here with us in spirit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

What do you call a sleeping Jack in the woods?

Aslumberjack.

To play it safe I got all 3 shots this weekend

A shot of Crown Royal, a shot of Jim Beam, and a shot of Jack Daniels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to avery n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jill: Hey Jack, what are you eating?

**Jack**: I'm eating raisins.

**Jill**: It's raisin'!

**Jack**: Yeah, that's what I just said. I'm eating raisins.

**Jill**: No, Jack, look down. Your penis is raising.



***Background knowledge****: raisins contain an amino acid called arginine which is known to he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack suffered from terrible unrelenting migraines. He'd been to all kind of doctors with no avail.

Finally, he consulted a very controversial migraine specialist.

Doctor: "I know what you're feeling. It's a throbbing sensation in your temples that just doesn't quit. I used to suffer from such headaches too. The best thing for this is oral sex.!!
I would go down on my wife and as she org...

Jack and Jill went up a hill.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said "I know you wanna."

Jill said yes, took off her dress and they had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

So I met a lumber jack in a pub last night.

Great feller

Guy walks into a bar and says I need 6 shots of Jack quick!...quicker... Hurry dammit!!!

Come on man, you'd be drinking quick too, if you had what I have!!!

So the bartender offers up the shots 'If you don't mind me asking... What is that you have?'

Man looks him in the eye, whiskey dripping off his chin and says... 40 cents.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water...

...Jill came down with half a crown but not for fetching water.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are helping a friend name jack with cleaning the gutters.

You are holding the bottom of the ladder for him as he is cleaning his gutters out.
Jack goes to get on the roof to get a better position of the gutter and the ladder slips. Says “I have seemed to let the ladder slip off and I’m stuck on the roof now”

Will you help jack off?

I had high expectations for doing great things in 2020. Instead I'm stuck at home jacking off and playing Nintendo.

The old 'bate and Switch.

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

I really wish I knew who stole the jack from under my car I was working on...

The suspension is killing me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well,would you?

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . .

He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on Jack Bauer taking a dump

And apparently even that's top secret with him 'cause they had me in the polygraph within minutes, but I beat it.

I could truthfully tell them I saw Jack shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

There are three girls,

and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decide to give their boyfriends nicknames. They ask the first girl what she calls her boyfriend. She says, “I call my man 7-Up.”
They ask her, “Why do you call your man that?”
And she says, “Becau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

Joe Biden is a Jack of all trades

Apparently he has his fingers in many pies.

Jacking off and being a pig

Kinda go Ham in hand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

I just read a Pirates of the Caribbean story where Jack Sparrow had missile launchers on his ship.

It was non-cannon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.