Little Jimmy is in class and the teacher asks:

"if there are 9 birds on a fence and the farmer shoots 1, how many birds are left?"
Jimmy raises his hand and says;
none, because the rest is startled by the shot and will fly away.
To which the teacher says, "Well Jimmy, the correct answer is 8, but I like the way you think."
Ji...

Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."

So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"

The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"

Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."

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Jimmy's wife won't orgasm

Jimmy's wife has never had an orgasm in bed with him.

It begins to annoy him so he goes to the doctor and asks for help. The doctor has an odd suggestion - that sometimes women are too warm and this impedes the process. So all he has to do is buy a fan and put it in the room, and it'll solve ...

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

Y did little jimmy cross the road

Bc little jimmy didn't wear hiis seatbelt

How does Jimmy season his world before eating it?

It just takes some thyme

Teacher: Jimmy, can you please use the word “horticulture” in a sentence?

Teacher: Jimmy, can you please use the world “horticulture” in a sentence?
Jimmy: Sure. You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

This underrated Jimmy Carr joke

Two dragons walk into a pub; one says to the other, "it's hot in here."

The other dragon replies, "Oh yeah? Shut your mouth."

Jimmy Hendrix died in a pool of his own vomit

Do you guys know how much vomit it takes to fill up a pool?

(*Bill Hicks?)

Jimmy is in the school yard...

and goes over to his friend Billy and notices he has a brand new smart watch.

Jimmy: How did you get that?

Billy: well last night I walked into my parents room and caught them wrestling and my dad told me if I left and forgot what I saw he’d get me a watch.

Jimmy: Oh wow I’ve h...

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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm...

And she spat it back on my face.

(Credit to Jimmy Carr)

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

I once had a relationship with a blind woman

It was very rewarding but also quite challenging.

It took me *ages* to get her husband's voice right.

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Oh little Jimmy.

Little jimmy walked into the kitchen to find his grandpa smoking cigarettes.

"Can I smoke a cigarette too?" Asked jimmy.
"Can your dick reach your own butthole?" Asked grandpa.
"No." Answered jimmy.
"Then you are not old enough." Replied grandpa.

The next day, jimmy walked int...

Why did Jimmy get stung?

Because he didn’t BEE-leave!

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Young Jimmy catches a priest masturbating

And asks "What are you doing father?",

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing it soon."

"Why father?" Jimmy asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me"

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Jimmy was racing his friends to the nearest tree

"Last one there's a piece of shit!" one of the older kids said.

This motivated Jimmy. He was set on winning.

He would not be deterred.

Our two granddaughters promised us to let their younger cousin Jimmy (a little boy) to be included in their play.

After a while I found the 2 girls playing house in their room but Jimmy was nowhere in sight. Glancing outside I found Jimmy sitting alone on the front step.

"I thought you were playing house with your cousins.

He answered, "I am. I'm the dog and the dog isn't allowed in the house!"

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

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1st grade teacher asked the students: What is the fastest thing in the world? Tony replied: lightning. Melanie said: light Jimmy said:

Diahrrea.
The teacher asked Jimmy why He tought diahrrea was the fastest thing in the world?
Jimmy said:
Last night while sleeping I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I got up as fast as a lightning went to turn the light on and before the light was on I had already shit myself.

Jimmy Kennedy was the lyricist of the Hokey Cokey

When he died they went to put him in his coffin

Everything was going smoothly until they put his left leg in

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

Little Jimmy is in first grade...

All his art work he has been bringing home from school is in black and brown. Fearing this may indicate a mental health problem, his parents take him to a psychologist for evaluation.

The psychologist says "First I would like to see a sample of your art work" and hands him a sheet of paper...

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

lil Jimmy asks and answers

Lil Jimmy asks mommy "why were you doing bouncing up and down on Daddys stomach last night..?

Mommy says "I have to do that Lil Jimmy it helps keep daddy skinny or else he gets real fat.."

Lil Jimmy says "well thats not going to work.."

and mommy asks "well why not...?"

a...

Jimmy had five sons named Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy and Rudy. How did he tell them apart?

He called them by their last name.

What does Jimmy Saville and the GPU shortage have in common?

Miners

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Mary's mom goes to see Little Jimmy's mom...

"I want you to keep your son away from my pecious daughter" complains Mary's mom

"Oh no what's he done now?" Little Jimmy's mom replies

"I caught him playing Doctors and Nurses with my Mary"

"Well they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?!?" ...

Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car.

Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too.

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One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.

One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper. The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?" To this Little Jimmy replied, "I want some of them fuckin' peas." In a flash, dad slapped the shit out Little Ji...

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Little Johnnys mother recently gave birth to his brother little jimmy

Now little johny is jealous of all the attention and the gifts that his new brother little Jimmy is getting from his parents and neighbors. Evil little johny decides to poison him

One night when his mother was sleeping, little johny took some poison and applied it to her breasts and lips so t...

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

Where did Little Jimmy go after getting lost in the minefield?

Everywhere.

I'll never forget my granddad's last word to me just before he died

the words where: JIMMY ARE U STILL HOLDING THE LADDERS

Jimmy Carr Joke - Socially Unacceptable

JC - I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation - would you like to see it?

Crowd - YES!

JC - I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret

(laughter ....)

(\* hope and pray that I've offended none broke no posting rules \*)

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Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it

"I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school"

\-from a colleague

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My little brother Jimmy is such an ungrateful fuck.

I purchased a trampoline for him yesterday and all he’s done since is cry in his wheelchair.

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A prostitute walks up to Jimmy

“$50 I’ll give you anything baby” she said.

Jimmy replied, “Can you give me $100?”.

There was a very well liked guy named Jimmy, and had always aspired to be a pilot, just like his dad.

Unfortunately, life took many rough turns for him in high school; one night while driving late one night, his tire blew out and he lost his right eye. Having only half his vision, his dreams of being a pilot were crushed, and he didn't know what to do with his life.

Jimmy, now fitted with a b...

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

Jimmy and his dad go to the beach

Jimmy has been trying to find a girlfriend but the girls rejected him

Jimmy: Dad, the girl's here don't like me what should I do?

Dad: Put a potato in youre pants that works wonders!

Jimmy comes back sad with tears in his eyes

Jimmy: Dad, I did as you told me and now the...

the story of jimmy the dumb student

there once was a boy named jimmy who studied in an elementary school in a small town in oklahoma,

this kid was so stupid he didn't understand anything at all, no one liked him, his teacher ms. dorothy always yelled at him: "jimmy you're gonna give me a heart attack!"

one day his mom c...

Why was Jimmy killed by a tornado?

He heard that tornadoes kill less people than a common flu and went out for a walk.

Jimmy Kennedy, creator of the Hokey Pokey, died today at the age of 94.

It was a difficult burial. They put his right arm in...

Jimmy wrote a letter to Santa

Jimmy wrote a letter to Santa,
"Dear Santa, this Christmas I want a baby brother."

Santa replied,
"Send me your mother."

Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa walk into a bar.

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Say what you like about the make-a-wish foundation.

But they can work to a deadline. - Jimmy Carr

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There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

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Little Jimmy comes home from school with a black eye

Mom says, “Jimmy! What happened?!”

Jimmy says, “I was attacked in geometry class.”

“Bye whom?” Asked mom, already calling the school.

“It was a vicious circle.”

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Dirty Grandma

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to a...

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One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"

He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

If you like flowers but don't like gardening

Run over a kid outside your driveway

-Jimmy Carr

Little Jimmy has spent the last few days eating over his friends house...

The first night, he ate dinner over the McNally's house. The table was set and before everyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the second night, he ate dinner at the Goldman's house. The table was set and before anyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the third night, little Little Jimm...

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Golden toilet

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home.
''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replie...

Little Johnny in class

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with the letters 'tor' that also ate things.

The first little boy said, 'Alligator'.

'Very good, Jimmy, that's a big word', said the teacher.

The next little boy said, 'Predator'.

'That's also a very good wor...

I bought a new book yesterday. It's the Biography of Jimmy Scotch, the inventor of "Scotch Tape"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the beginning.

Young Jimmy is taking skydiving lessons

After his lessons he decides he is ready for the real deal. The instructor and Jim go up in the plane to the altitude. Then, the instructor says, "when you jump, count to 10 and pull the cord. If that fails pull the backup cord. There will be a black van waiting for you at the bottom." Jimmy agrees ...

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Jimmy’s wife is tired of him never buying her presents for anything

So she creates a plan to get some nice jewelry and some action for herself. She approaches her husband with a piece of paper, written on it is a list of gifts and rewards. She says, If you start spoiling me I’ll give you something extra each night, a nice dinner gets you a sexy outfit, a necklace ge...

Did you guys hear about Jimmy who fell into the well?

He just did not see that well.

A man named Jimmy walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar and notices a couple lines of people standing at the other side of the bar.

Jimmy asks the bartender "what are those people standing over there for?"

The bartender replies, "oh, the owner has a nice system setup for people who can't pay their tabs. He really enj...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

Knock knock. “Who’s there”. “Jimmy”. “Jimmy Who”

said Jimmy’s grandmother, whose crippling Alzheimer’s has robbed her of all her memories.

- Happy birthday Jimmy !!

\-Thank you a lot Emily, I can't wait to see what's my gift.

\-Well, since you're 18 now, I wanted to give you something special, it starts with an "F" and ends with "uck"!

\-OMG!! I'm getting a firetruck!

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Little Jimmy in the car.

Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mummy" says Jimmy,
"Oh... it was a fly" replies the m...

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I went to school with a very tall guy named Jimmy Glasscock.

You could always see him coming.

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

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Jimmy! That’s the third time this week you fell asleep in class.

I don’t think you’re cut out to be a teacher.

Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.

Barman says “not yew tree again”

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

Jimmy, the electrician's son was grounded by his parents...

I heard his parents say he had no potential

What scared Jimmy Buffet?

The boo's in the blender.

Why did Jimmy miss the bus?

He wasn't aiming well enough

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Celtic vs. Rangers

(Celtic and Rangers are rival Scottish football teams, the fans are *not* fond of each other.)

At the Celtic vs. Rangers match, Jimmy, a Celtic fan accidentally ends up with the Rangers fans.

To his bad luck, he is spotted just as Celtic score.
A huge, drunk and angry Scotsman walks...

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Little Jimmy got called into the principal's office.

"Jimmy," the principal said, "you can't bring your cat to school." "I'm sorry, mister, I had to. I was afraid for his life." Confused, the principal asked him what he meant. Jimmy replied: "I heard my dad say 'when the kids go to school, I'm going to tear that pussy apart.'"

Tony tells his friend Jimmy: "My son is stupid."

Jimmy doesn't believe him. So they go to Tony's house and enter his son's room. Tony tells him: "In my left hand I have a $2 bill. In my right hand I have a $20 bill. Pick one and it's yours." The son picks the $2 bill and goes outside, leaving Jimmy dumbfounded.

15 minutes later Jimmy finds...

Jimmy Carr: “There’s a really easy way to tell if your house is haunted or not.”

It’s not.

Harrison Ford said this joke on Jimmy Fallon

Two cannibals walk by past each other in the woods in opposite directions. Cannibal 1 says to the other, "hey, how's it going?".

Cannibal 2 replies "not so good, I ate something funny".

Cannibal 1: "really ? Like what?

Cannibal 2: "a missionary"

Cannibal 1: "well, how d...

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

jimmy

one day little jimmy came home from his school and said he got a one hundred. jimmy dad asked him what he got the 100 in.

he said,"a 60 in science and a 40 in math."

What's older Jimmy, the sun or the moon?

Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.

Jimmy approached his teacher

After looking at the syllabus for their next lesson on graphing, Jimmy approached his teacher with a stern look on his face and said, “I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, I’ll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!”

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What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common?

They both pull out of Roslyn at 10:45

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Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

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Young Jimmy asks his dad for $10

His dad says, can your dick touch Your arse? Jimmy say ‘No’. His dad says ‘well, you can’t have 10 bucks till your dick can touch your arse

A few weeks later, he asks his dad for a bicycle, his dad says ‘can your dick touch your arse’ again the answer was ‘No’... well you can’t have a bicycle...

"Jimmy, I think you have a brake fluid problem."

"No I don't! I can stop anytime I want!"

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A Jimmy Carr Classic

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket.

"Well, Some Assholes got my pen"

Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight

Oh wait

On and On

Mr. Johnson told Mary his secretary that he was going on a business trip to Chicago the following day and he wanted her to come with him. They'd be staying there for 2 days.

As soon as she got home, she told her husband Bob about this.
"Honey, my boss asked me to go on a business trip to...

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Redneck Jimmy

In a small town there was a well liked Redneck named Jimmy. However, he was often in bad company as he tried to be friends with everyone. His two best friend were widely regarded as a pair of useless drunks. Still, everyone would smile and greet Jimmy whenever they saw him.

One day however, ...

Jimmy's First Cow

One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.

He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
...

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are all on the Titanic

As the Titanic begins sinking, Jimmy Carter yells “quick, save the women and children.”

Nixon yells back: “screw the women and children!”

Bill Clinton says: “I don’t think we have time for that.”

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack

"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife"

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun"

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Little Jimmy is playing with his trainset while his mom is in the kitchen.

The trains just chugging along and stops at the first station.
Little Jimmy says “Welcome to station one! Mothafuckas getting off, get off. Mothafuckas stayin on, stay on”
Jimmys mom hears from the kitchen, comes and yells at him, “JIMMY! If I hear you talk like that again you’ll go in timeou...

I would talk about Jimmy Savile...

But it's a touchy subject.

Jimmy Wales walks into a bar

[citation needed]

Poor little Jimmy dies..

Jimmy was very excited about his first day of school. Jimmy has some difficulty with communication due to his disabilities caused by birth.

Jimmy's mum gives him a kiss and waits outside their home for his bus to arrive. Jimmy's mum reminds Jimmy to just wave at the bus driver a smile saying,...

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

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Little Jimmy wakes up at night to get some water.

He rubs the sleep out of his eyes and walks to the kitchen. On the way, he passes the bathroom and sees the light is on. Knowing how his father is about the electric bill, he goes to shut it off.

When he opens the bathroom door he sees his mother bent over the bathroom sink, and his dad's ra...

Jimmy went to the library.

At the the library he said to the librarian “Can I get a hamburger.” The librarian responds “ Sir this is a library.” Jimmy whispers “Sorry can I have a hamburger.

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.







Credit: This was a Colin Mochrie joke from an early Who's Line is it Any Way e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was in school, my mate got caught having a wank in the showers.

Really ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

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Little Jimmy is in a car with his dad while driving along a red-light district

Jimmy sees all the ladies behind the windows and asks his dad what they are doing.

"They are selling pleasure, Jimmy", his dad replies.

When they get home, the boy thinks: "Hmm, I'd like to buy myself some pleasure as well", so the next day he smashes his piggy bank and takes all his m...

Billy wants Jimmy to play baseball.

Billy goes by Jimmy's house to get him to play baseball. Jimmy's mom answers the door.

"Hi, can Jimmy play baseball with us?" Billy asked.

"Now you know Jimmy doesn't have any arms or legs," Jimmy's mom answered.

"Yeah, but we need second base."

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