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Jay Jokes

My friend's name is Jay

We call him J for short.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyónce

What is the name of Jay-Z's pet sloth?

Lay-Z

What is the flower name of Jay-Z?

Day-Z :)

Credit: jayC137

Clumsy vegetarians make the best DJs. They’re always dropping beets.

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

Ryan Reynolds would have been great as Jay Gatsby.

After all, he’s both Green Lantern and Deadpool.

Jay-Z is Unable to Locate His Mobile Phone.

He says "Beyonce, have you seen my phone anywhere?"

She says "Did you try call it?"

He says "Yeah but it's on silent."

She says "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

Jay Z walks into a game store...

There's an old guy behind the counter. Jay walks up to him and says "I need a Nintendo Switch. I been looking all over town for one, and I swear I'm gonna punch the next person who says they don't got one"

The old guy is like "Well... we do trade old consoles that need repairing. Maybe we can...

Who Is Jay Gatsby's Favorite Comic Book Character?

Deadpool.

what did the white woman say to the other white woman who confused jay-z for lil wayne?

thats ludacris

I hate discussing things with Jay walkers

they always try to cross subjects at inappropriate times.

Who would have Jay-Z married if he was a sailor?

Buoyancy.

What did Jay Z say when his friend died?

No Biggie.

What did the jay get a ticket for?

Walking.

Jay Leno on Pet Scams

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

What did Jay-Z say when Beyonce released Lemonade?

I got 100 problems.

Jay Leno walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Why the really long face?"

Did you hear about Jay Gatsby’s car?

It was a real hit with the ladies.

What's Jay-z's favorite store?

Bed, bath and Beyond-cé.

What did Jay Sherman say about your breath?

It stinks!

Jay-Z should open a pizza place.

But all good pizza places need a nice Italian name, he could name it.. Lou Menotti's.

Michael Jackson did a moonwalk. What does Jay-Z do?

Jay-walks of course

If you asked QB Jay Cutler For Change of a Dollar

He'd only give you 3 good quarters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors advice

Jay's primary care doctor recently retired and that forced him to find a new one, which he did.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, Jay's new doctor said he was doing "fairly well for a man his age"… Having just turned forty-four in July, Jay was a little concerned about the doctor's c...

I'm standing right next to the rapper who collabed with Kendrick and Jay Rock in "King's Dead"

I can't believe my eyes. **I can see the Future!**

"Never lose your cool"

\-LL Jay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor"Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis"

the doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself" Bob asked" Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom" The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain " So what did the doctor...

Most people would say that Eminem, Jay-Z, or Andre 3000 spit the hardest on the mic...

I personally think it was Mia Khalifa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard this one on Comedy (Sirius Radio) awhile back. It's by the late Jay Hickman.

This boy was sitting on the sidewalk eating candy and then he would pick up a cat and bite it on the ass, then get up and move down the sidewalk and do the same - eat the candy, bite the cat on the ass, get up and move down the side walk. This guy driving by see this and says, "Hey, what are doing?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word "bitch" again

I guess he has 100 problems now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Forget the Name

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.

"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk s...

Hospital and Cop

*In class*

Teacher: "Jay, why are you down today?"

Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad's at the police station."

Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?"

Jay: "Yes, please."

After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher as...

Naming the kids

A guy named Jay walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's your wife doing?" the bartender asks. "She's doing great. The doctor says the pregnancy is going well and we can expect two healthy twin girls," Jay replies. "I'd really like to name them after myself, but can't decide on the names." "How ab...

Thought I'd try writing bad monologue jokes today. Like Jay Leno bad.

Russia says it will begin patrolling with nuclear submarines again for the first time in 20 years. Nuclear subs that are 20 years old? I didn’t know Russia had Subway.

In Texas, a husband and wife are blaming one another for sending ricin-laced letters to public officials. As the saying goes,...

If a Bluebird has blue babies, and a Green Jay has green babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

I used to work the front desk at this small car repair shop.

It was owned by a couple of guys, Jack and Jay. Both guys were really well known and liked around town but Jack never seemed to come into the shop.

People would come in frequently looking for Jack and I would tell them “Jays here but Jacks off all day.”

Have you heard of Alan Walker’s criminal brother?

Jay Walker

I needed a new washer and dryer

So the guy at the appliance store sold me those units that have Wi-Fi. I’ve bern walking around with damp underwear for two weeks because I can’t remember my password.

(Credit: Jay Leno)

Did you know Christopher Walken has a son?

His name is Jay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor.

Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side.

"Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Jay.

"I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Bill replies.

"Well, what does it say in the boo...

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....

so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher was giving her students a lecture about good manners.

She wanted to test how they would act in a certain circumstance, so she asked:
- Derek, imagine that you’re having dinner with a girl you love, and you suddenly want to go to the restroom during the meal. What would you say to her in this situation?
- “Stay right there, I’m going to pee.”
-...

Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...

Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named

What do you call Joaquin Phoenix when he's walking across a busy road?

Jay Joaquin Phoenix.

Sleeping with the bartender might not get you free drinks...

But it's worth a shot.

Source: [This tshirt I made for my coworkers at my bar.](http://jay-tees.spreadshirt.com/worth-a-shot-A101280866/)

When a Queen Bee mates thousands of males gather round and try to impregnate her. Before the act of mating is done, she will have stored sperm inside her from about 30 to 50 males. This is an amazing aspect of nature.

So, much love to my man Jay-Z.

So I was boarding a plane the other day

And my girlfriend was worried for me going to China. She texted me: "be careful! Don't catch the corvid flu!"

I replied: "crows, ravens, jackdaws, and blue jay's don't have flu. It's okay to just admit you're wrong, you know?"

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

The Perfect Man

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan".

Passenger: "Who?".

Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you neede...

Holla at ya boi!!!

Man I’m so jealous of Jay-Z...

He knows exactly how many problems he has.

Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away.

Rest in peace Jay.

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