UPJOKE
benjaminbenoitadamdannydavidaaronrobinsonjamalalanhebrew languagebenedicthiberniairelandmountmountain

Ben Jokes

Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!

Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!"

Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!"

Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

Ben and Tim want to go drink in a bar (NSFW)

Problem is, they have no money. "No problem" says Ben, "I have a cunning plan. Take this sausage and put it in your boxer. We go into the bar, drink a couple of beer and when they come with the tab you open your pant and let the sausage out. I go down on it and they will kick us out and we won't hav...

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

After 5 years of repair work, I was happy to read that The Big Ben is working again.

Thanks to everyone that…worked around the clock.

Al, Ben, and Carl were stranded on a deserted island. One day Al found an old jar in the sand.

When the jar was opened, a genie came out and said to them, "You have freed me from my jar. For the rest of your time on this island, I am obligated to grant each of you one wish per year. But no wishing anyone, including yourself, off the island."

"In that case," said Al, "I wish for 365 boo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.

Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.

One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.

The next day Carl goes to the bar a...

Why shouldn’t you ride in an airplane with Ben Shapiro?

Because he’s always trying to destroy the left wing.

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

Just recently, a multi-year project to renovate and restore London's historic landmark Big Ben was completed.

They had men working around the clock.

Hi! I'm Ben Franklin and this is Jackass!

\*Flies a kite in a thunder storm\*

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

If Chewie is short for Chewbacca, and Ben Kenobi is short for Obi-Wan Kenobi. What is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

Ben and Jerrys have opened a school of Martial Arts

It's called Cookie-Do

Hi, I’m Ben

Ben Drinkenn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ethel and Ben are neighbors in a nursing home...

One day, they're sitting in the TV room and Ethyl says, "Ben, I bet I can tell you how old you are if I feel your private parts for just half a minute."
"Hee hee. Even a doctor couldn't do that but you're welcome to try," he replies, unbuttoning his trousers. She leans over and gives his tackle a...

TIL, Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall who oversaw the installation of the Bell....

Thankfully, his brother Richard reported sick that day .

Why won't Kyrie Irving and Ben Simmons play basketball?

Because they both won't take a shot.

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.

Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-...

Did you hear Ben Dover has a sister?

Yeah, her name is Ilene Dover

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

Uncle Ben

A true credit to his rice

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch an...

So Stan,Ben and Phil walked into a bar

Bartender says, Mr Dup, Mr Dover and Mr McGroin! What can I get for ya?

Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.

"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."

"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally d...

What's the similarity between Boris Johnson and the clapper on Big Ben?

They're both massive bell-ends.

What’s Ben Shapiro’s favorite game?

Mad Libs.

Why does Ben Shapiro hate NASCAR?

Because the cars only turn left

Why did Ben Shapiro become a dentist?

Because plaques don’t care about your fillings.

People think Big Ben is a cool tourist attraction

In America we have thousands of Big Ben’s, most of the time we can’t get around them in a store aisle but it’s still not exactly something you take a selfie in front of.

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

Uncle Ben has died.

That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor Ben slept with one of his patients...

Doctor Ben had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Ben, don't...

Ben Shapiro definitely has one thing going for him.

He never has to sleep in the wet spot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you ask Big Ben "What time is it?"

Ben: I may be fat... But I'm not a fucking talking clock asshole

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom

\- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car

\-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

Ben Shapiro didn’t get my last joke...

He’s a dry guy

Say what you want about Ben Carson the politician, but Ben Carson the person is truly inspiring.

He really opened a lot of young minds!

Why doesn’t Ben Shapiro like winter time?

Because of the snowflakes

Whats Ben Shapiro's favourite rapper?

Logic.

I had to borrow a truck from my good friend Ben Thunder.

I have Ben Thunder's truck.

My uncle Ben always used to say, "With great power..."

Comes a great electricity bill

Luke Skywalker took a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using Chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom:

"Use the forks, Luke!"

This Just In: Ben Shapiro Quits Politics to Take Up Dentistry

When asked why, he responded that he had recently learned the danger of poor dental hygiene, stating that:

"Plaques don't care about your fillings"

My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ...

he works around the clock.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

What is Ben Sharpiro's favorite dessert?

Lib-tarts.

How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?

President Ben Franklin walks into a bar...

I work at Ben & Jerry's, often late at night, but never get robbed.

Because ice cream.

Ben Shapiro was loyal to Steam

All his friends, family, and co-workers knew that Ben would defend Steam in any argument, claiming it to be the superior game launcher, and the only one people should use. His loyalty was unmoving, and even gained him some branding deals with Valve.



One day while Ben was on his comput...

Bill: “I’ve just got back from a holiday in Poole.” Ben: “In Dorset?”

Bill: “I’d recommend it to anyone.”

For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task

They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

Why is Ben 10 so resistant?

He always wears the Ohmnitrix

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

Renovation of Big Ben has started

After the modernization, the famous clock will be beat five times a day, calling the faithful to prayer.

Al, Ben, and Carl were going on a trip to a ski resort. But there was only one room left at the resort, and it had only one bed.

Reluctantly, the three agreed to share the bed. Al slept on the left side of the bed, Ben slept on the right side, and Carl slept in the middle.

The next morning at breakfast, Al said, "You know, last night I had the loveliest dream. A gorgeous female ski instructor was giving me the best han...

What's the difference between Big Ben and the Queen of England?

One is inhuman, intricately decorated, and exists only to mark the passage of time.



The other one's a clock.

Did you hear about Ben & Jerry’s new limited edition Ice Cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

Ben has 911 candies. He eats 420. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Ben has diabetes.

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they c...

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

Ben has one dog. Jake has two fish. How many fish are there?

Three. Ben’s dog was just a red herring

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ben, John, and Jerry got captured by cannibals.

While exploring a jungle, Ben, John, and Jerry got captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals claimed that they shall eat them tomorrow, but will set them free if they past the test. The chief's daughter, however, fell in love with John at first sight, and decided to let him know what the tes...

What is more problematic than Ben Carson's dining set?

Trump's cabinet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most people don't know that Big Ben isn't the name of the clock, but of the bell.

The clock is Tickity Ted the Time-Telling Bitch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a man who had no penis, and I think his name is Ben.

But I guess it doesn’t matter what I call him, he’ll never come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It worked for the bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.


One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."


"How did you...

An elderly couple has ben experiencing declining memories....

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name ...

An old Jedi master named Ben stole Luke Skywalker’s last pastry.

Angrily, Luke shouted after him as he ran away, “Hey, you Owe Me One Canoli!”

Big Ben walks up to the club like...

...what up? I got a big clock.

What do Big Ben and my ex have in common?

They both won't stop ringing.

[Politics] Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems?

He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.

Fred: "I can't believe Ben is in

the hospital. Just yesterday, I saw him with a gorgeous blonde."
Bob: "So did his wife."

Al, Ben, and Carl were fishing in the middle of a lake when Al fell overboard.

Ben jumped into the lake to rescue Al. When he finally found Al, he threw the body onto the boat and Carl pulled him up.

As soon as Ben was safely in the boat, he noticed that Al wasn't breathing, so he quickly gave Al mouth-to-mouth.

"Yuck!" said Ben. "I don't remember Al having such ...

True Story of Joke Told at Ft Benning, GA

In class 92-1 of Infantry Officer Basic course we were in a large lecture hall in building 4 at Ft. Benning, GA. Desert Storm had just finished less than a year previously and we were one of the first classes of new infantry officers to get a look at all the cool intelligence from Iraq. We were th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger?

Tom wants his balls illegally deflated on the field and Ben wants that off the field.

Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben ...

I think my friend Ben has a bad reputation.

Every time I tell someone that me and my other buddy are friends with Ben Ofitz, they give me a strange look.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.