Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.

"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."

"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally d...

Did you hear Ben Dover has a sister?

Yeah, her name is Ilene Dover

Hi! I'm Ben Franklin and this is Jackass!

\*Flies a kite in a thunder storm\*

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

(Politics) Why would it be unsafe to board a plane with Ben Shapiro?

He'd destroy the Left Wing.

So if “Ani” is short for Anakin, and “Ben” is short for Obi-Wan... and “Fives” is short for CT-27-5555... and “Artoo” is short for R2D2... and “Chewie” is short for Chewbacca... What is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper

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Ethel and Ben are neighbors in a nursing home...

One day, they're sitting in the TV room and Ethyl says, "Ben, I bet I can tell you how old you are if I feel your private parts for just half a minute."
"Hee hee. Even a doctor couldn't do that but you're welcome to try," he replies, unbuttoning his trousers. She leans over and gives his tackle a...

Hi, I’m Ben

Ben Drinkenn

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Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.

Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.

One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.

The next day Carl goes to the bar a...

What’s Ben Shapiro’s favorite game?

Mad Libs.

So Stan,Ben and Phil walked into a bar

Bartender says, Mr Dup, Mr Dover and Mr McGroin! What can I get for ya?

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

People think Big Ben is a cool tourist attraction

In America we have thousands of Big Ben’s, most of the time we can’t get around them in a store aisle but it’s still not exactly something you take a selfie in front of.

Ben Shapiro definitely has one thing going for him.

He never has to sleep in the wet spot.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

What's the similarity between Boris Johnson and the clapper on Big Ben?

They're both massive bell-ends.

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What happens when you ask Big Ben "What time is it?"

Ben: I may be fat... But I'm not a fucking talking clock asshole

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Why does Ben Shapiro hate NASCAR?

Because the cars only turn left

Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers.

But his aunt May.

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A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

"I have a date this weekend with two smoking hot models. I want to be able to stay hard the whole time I'm with them. I'm looking for something stronger than Viagra!"

The pharmacist says "Well, I do have this new experimental drug. It works instantly and is guaranteed for three days without s...

I heard the Big Ben is getting renovated

The engineers are working around the clock.

My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ...

he works around the clock.

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!

Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!"

Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!"

Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

Non Australians may not get this lame joke

Q: What's the name of Ben 10's older brother?

A: Glen 20

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2 friends go to do a job interview

Before the interview receptionist asks them for their basic details to fill in a form:

Reciptionist: Name?

First friend: Willy Ben Chen.

Receptionist: Sex?

First friend: 3 to 4 times a week.

Receptionist: *shakes* no, I mean male or female.

First friend:...

The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock

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I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

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Most people don't know that Big Ben isn't the name of the clock, but of the bell.

The clock is Tickity Ted the Time-Telling Bitch

Bill: “I’ve just got back from a holiday in Poole.” Ben: “In Dorset?”

Bill: “I’d recommend it to anyone.”

Did you hear they are changing the Uncle Ben’s Logo?

Everyone thought it was ricest.

Ben Shapiro didn’t get my last joke...

He’s a dry guy

For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task

They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.

Yo mama so fat

>!We’re genuinely worried about her. That kind of lifestyle is unhealthy. You should encourage her to walk more and lay off the Ben&Jerry’s.!<

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

Uncle Ben has died.

That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!

I had to borrow a truck from my good friend Ben Thunder.

I have Ben Thunder's truck.

Uncle Ben

A true credit to his rice

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”

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Utterly distraught, Sarah calls her best friend Carol.

"I-I w-was so convinced that my marriage with Ben was perfect, but n-n-ow I found out that he is cheating on me with another man"

"That's shocking!", Carol answers "Who is it?"

"I d-don't even know him. I only know that his name is Tom"

"Tom?"

"Y-yes, I overheard him cha...

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

Ben invited his mother over for dinner

During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Ben’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there...

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Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben ...

What's the difference between Big Ben and the Queen of England?

One is inhuman, intricately decorated, and exists only to mark the passage of time.



The other one's a clock.

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

I work at Ben & Jerry's, often late at night, but never get robbed.

Because ice cream.

Why doesn’t Ben Shapiro like winter time?

Because of the snowflakes

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I met a man who had no penis, and I think his name is Ben.

But I guess it doesn’t matter what I call him, he’ll never come.

Al, Ben, and Carl were fishing in the middle of a lake when Al fell overboard.

Ben jumped into the lake to rescue Al. When he finally found Al, he threw the body onto the boat and Carl pulled him up.

As soon as Ben was safely in the boat, he noticed that Al wasn't breathing, so he quickly gave Al mouth-to-mouth.

"Yuck!" said Ben. "I don't remember Al having such ...

Did you hear about Ben & Jerry’s new limited edition Ice Cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

Ben has one dog. Jake has two fish. How many fish are there?

Three. Ben’s dog was just a red herring

Ben has 911 candies. He eats 420. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Ben has diabetes.

Bert and Ernie are working at Ben and Jerry's when Bert invents a new flavor. He asks, "Ernie, will you name this flavor?"

"Sure, Bert."

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Doctor Ben slept with one of his patients...

Doctor Ben had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Ben, don't...

Why can’t Ben Shapiro fly an airplane?

He always destroys the left wing.

Whats Ben Shapiro's favourite rapper?

Logic.

My uncle Ben always used to say, "With great power..."

Comes a great electricity bill

So there was once a man that rang Big Ben before there was an electric bell

One day unfortunately the man died after many years of doing his job. Naturally they had to find a replacement.

So after a few interviews a man with no arms comes up and requests the job, the interviewers are confused but he asks to demonstrate.

The man walks right to the edge of the t...

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Funny names

1. Gabe Itches
2.Ben Dover
3. Mike Oxhard
4. Herb Eaver
5. Mike Ock
6. Jack Off

What is Ben Sharpiro's favorite dessert?

Lib-tarts.

An old Jedi master named Ben stole Luke Skywalker’s last pastry.

Angrily, Luke shouted after him as he ran away, “Hey, you Owe Me One Canoli!”

Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses!

Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!

Is this the right place for politically incorrect jokes?

I have this great one about President Benjamin Franklin.

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody ...

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they c...

Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

Ben went for an interview and his stomach rumbles

“I Guess you didn’t eat lunch before you come here?” The interviewer said.

“No I am just hungry for success!”

Say what you want about Ben Carson the politician, but Ben Carson the person is truly inspiring.

He really opened a lot of young minds!

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Insurance

Three men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida
Steve says: "I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything. Since I was too old to begin again, I took the i...

You know, I'm really glad Ben Carson didn't end up being Secretary of Education.

I really didn't want our kids learning that the food pyramid was built to store grain.

Why is Ben 10 so resistant?

He always wears the Ohmnitrix

What is more problematic than Ben Carson's dining set?

Trump's cabinet.

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What is the opposite of a female orgasm?

Ben Shapiro.

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

- Hey, Ben! What happened to you? You went abroad, right?

Ben: That was the plan but it didn't push through.

John: But why? What happened?

Ben: They beat me inside the ...

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Ben, John, and Jerry got captured by cannibals.

While exploring a jungle, Ben, John, and Jerry got captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals claimed that they shall eat them tomorrow, but will set them free if they past the test. The chief's daughter, however, fell in love with John at first sight, and decided to let him know what the tes...

I saw Donald Trump walk by Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller without stopping...

Turns out he really doesn't recognize Jewish Stars.

What do Big Ben and my ex have in common?

They both won't stop ringing.

Ted Bundy and Jeffery Dahmer have dinner together

Ted: hey Jeff you got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey: nah, only Ben and jerry

An elderly couple has ben experiencing declining memories....

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name ...

A girl goes to Ben Affleck...

A girl goes to Ben Affleck and says, "Ben, yesterday Harvey Weinstein started kissing me and feeling me up!"


Ben starts kissing her and feeling her up. "Like that?" He says.


"Yes" she answers.


"What else did he do?"


"He ripped off all my clothes!" she ...

True Story of Joke Told at Ft Benning, GA

In class 92-1 of Infantry Officer Basic course we were in a large lecture hall in building 4 at Ft. Benning, GA. Desert Storm had just finished less than a year previously and we were one of the first classes of new infantry officers to get a look at all the cool intelligence from Iraq. We were th...

We just renamed our cat to Ben-Hur

It used to be Ben until she had kittens.

Did you hear that Trump Tower is being remodeled to add a clock that resembles Big Ben

I've heard people complain that it has tiny hands.

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What's the difference between Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger?

Tom wants his balls illegally deflated on the field and Ben wants that off the field.

Big Ben walks up to the club like...

...what up? I got a big clock.

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I just got a tattoo of Ben Franklin on my dick

Because my girlfriend knows how to blow a hundred bucks.

(for our non-American friends, Ben Franklin's face is on the US $100 bill)

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Two Jews walk past a sign outside a church

“Convert to Christianity now, get $100!”

Micha can’t resist such easy money, and enters the church, while Ben decides to wait outside.

After a while, Micha returns, and Ben asks:

“Well? Did you get the 100 dollars?”

Micha scoffs, and says:

“Money! That’s all you ...

So, Kylo Ren went his entire life without getting a Girlfriend...

I guess you could could say he's Ben Solo all his life.


You've likely heard it but I only just tripped over it myself. >.>

[Politics] Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems?

He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.

I think my friend Ben has a bad reputation.

Every time I tell someone that me and my other buddy are friends with Ben Ofitz, they give me a strange look.

Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?

Because his whole lfe he is Ben Solo

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