UPJOKE
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Daughter made up a cute knock knock joke:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Let’s eat…
Let’s eat who?

What are you a cannibal?

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

knock knock

knock knock

who's there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery!

The US got knocked out in the World Cup on day 13!!!

Its their fastest exit from the middle east!!!

Is it mean to tell a knock knock joke to a

Jehovah's Witness?

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himse...

A cop knocked on my door

A cop knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don’t even own bikes…

Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak.

Right as they start to say "control freak who?" You quickly cut them off and say "next you're supposed to say control freak who!"

Earlier today, I knocked on the door of a fortune teller...

She asked, "Who's there?"

So I left.

Why doesn’t the Grinch like knock knock jokes?

Because there's always Whos there!

Don't you just hate it when people come knocking on your door, telling you that you need to be saved or else you're gonna burn?

Stupid firefighters.

Do u know y i knock on my fridge before opening

Because there might be a salad dressing inside

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

The World Health Organisation.

The World Health Organisation, who?

Yes.

I ask my wife the same thing everytime I knock down 10 pins in one roll at a bowling alley.

"How's that strike ya?"

Knock Knock

Who's there?

David.

David who?

It was at that moment David realised how serious his mothers Dementia was.

A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the ma...

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A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door.

A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door. She opens it to see a man standing there in the rain, breathing heavily. "Yes?" she asks.

"Do you have a vagina?" he says.

She gasps and slams the door in his face.

A week later, the guy is back again. "Do you have ...

At first I didn’t know an angry mob was outside my home because I only heard a polite knock on my door.

But when I discovered the truth of my predicament, I stayed as quiet as a mouse—quieter, even—and fortunately, after a short time, they all got bored and left.

Power to the peephole.

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I just knocked a doctor out...

...because he said my wife had a nice pussy.



Turns out she has acute angina.

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There’s a knock on the door of an Irish church

Mother superior answers the door and is surprised to see two leprechauns, one looks older.

The elder says, “pardon me, but are there any leprechaun nuns here?” She answers “no.”

He asks “well then, are there any little people here who are nuns?” Again she answers no.

He then t...

Knock Knock...

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Ze KGB!

Ze KGB who?

Vee veel ask ze questions, da?

Wanna hear the joke when my wife knocked over a fence with our SUV?

Oh, sorry, it has already been reposted.

Dr Strange: Knock knock.

**Dormammu:** Who's there?

**Dr Strange:** Door mom.

**Dormammu:** Door mom who?

**Dr Strange:** I've come to bargain.

A girl knocked on my door today…

Asking for a donation for the local swimming pool…. so I gave her a glass of water

A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said ‘it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck’

I said ‘I know’

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

Amir.

Amir who?

Amir to fix your broken doorbell...

A hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbour's house

"Howdy, neighbor," he says. In honor of you moving into the holler, I'm gonna throw a party.There's gonna be a whole lot of drinking, a whole lot of dancing and a whole lot of screwing.


Sounds like fun, the neighbor says. What can I bring?


The hillbilly replies, You can bri...

I found a knock-off Iron Man

It was called Female.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Want

Want who?

1, 2, 3 I can count too. {annoyed look}

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting doctor.

Interrupting doc…

You have cancer.

A lad knocked on the door of a beautiful large house.

He asked if there were any jobs that needed doing. The man said he would give him £50 to paint the porch. The lad agreed and took the paintbrush and tin of white gloss paint away. The man’s wife said “£50 – that’s far too little. Did he not see the porch goes half way round the house? It will take t...

Knock, knock!

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Fornication.

Fornication who?

Fornication like this you should wear a black tie.

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

The blind salesman a woman in the shower

A woman was taking a shower when she heard a knock on the door. She called out, “who is it? I can’t come to the door right now, I just stepped out of the shower” The man at the door answered “Don’t worry lady, I’m a blind salesman”…so the woman says “ok you can come in”. He gets inside and asks: “wh...

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

Knock knock, "Who's there!?" "It's me Dave, mum" "Dave who?"

Dave wept as he knew his mother's alzheimer's was getting progressively worse..

Why do chemistry teachers hate knock knock jokes?

Because they are the ones who knock

Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?

They don't want any crazy people knocking on their door.

Opportunity only knocks once,

but temptation leans on the doorbell.

A man walks into a bar and is immediately knocked out

It’s a metal bar

Why do you call a pregnant lady “knocked up”?

Because someone came in

Did you hear about the guy that invented the knock knock joke?

He won a Nobel Prize.

Knock Knock?

“Who’s there?”

“Woo.”

“Woo who?”

“Don’t get too excited.”

How does a turkey start a knock knock joke?

Gobble Gobble.

A Police officer knocks on the door and says to the man “I’m sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend’s been hit by a truck.

The man replied, “Yeah, but she has a great personality”

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There's heavy knocking on the door

Father opens the door and a scruffy guy stands there leaning on the porch.
Guy: Hi, my name is Fortunado and i'm here for fucking your daughter.
Father: FOR WHAT?
Guy: Fortunado.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

Where does the "knock knock" joke comes from?

The front door

Knock, knock.

*Who’s there?*
Figs.
*Figs who?*
Figs the doorbell, I’ve been knocking forever!

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

(Got to say this out loud) Knock knock...

- Who's there?

- I eat map

- I eat map who?

- Ewwww (etc, etc)


This is posted on behalf of our seven year old. It's his favourite joke.

Knock knock...

\-Who's there?

\-Europe

\-Europe who?

\-No, you're a poo!

There’s a kitchen appliance knocking at my door…

I’ll let that sink in.

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Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

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A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.

The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"

Once again she slams the door.

She immediately gets on the phone...

Novak Djokovic is the first person to be knocked out of the Australian Open.

He only missed two shots.

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover’s lane.

He knocks on the window, when it’s rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.

The cop says “What’s going on here?”
The guy says, “nothing at all...

My Daughter: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "I dunno"

"To get to the idiots house"
.
.
.
.
.
"Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

"It's the chicken...."



She's 8...

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.

They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the...

I was eating at a restaurant the other day when a lawyer sat at the next table across from me. The waiter arrived to take his order and accidentally knocked the salt and pepper straight into his lap.

I thought, “Now there’s a seasoned professional”.

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.



You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!



Two drummers walk past a bar...



How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Little Boy Blue

Little Boy Blue who?

Michael Jackson

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

Wow, I didn't know you can yodel!

My dentist can knock you out with gas or his boat paddle.

It’s a matter of ether oar

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Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Nine eleven.”

“Nine eleven who?”

“You said you’d never forget!”

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Hawaii…

Hawaii who?

Why I’m fine thanks, and how are you?

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

Happy 4th! Why are there no knock-knock jokes about ‘Murica?

~~because freedom rings~~ because we have no-knock warrants as our pun-ishment of choice.

A cat walks into a bar...

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter. He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender looks at the cat and says, "Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."

The cat glances at the bartender ...

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.


“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..


“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

Knock, knock.

*Who’s there?*

Armageddon.

*Armageddon who?*

Armageddon tired of all this knockin’!

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

Knock knock joke

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Unreliable Narrator.

Unreliable Narrator who?

That’s not what I said.

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

The knock

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was th...

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

HIPAA

HIPAA who?

I can't tell you.

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

Politically charged joke. Knock Knock

Who's there?


Putin.


Putin who?


Putin a doorbell I'm tired of knocking.

Voldemort: Knock Knock

James: Who’s there?

Voldemort: You Know

James: You Know who?

Voldemort: Exactly.

James: Aw, Dang!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Eileen and Mike.

Eileen and Mike who?

Eileen Dover and Mike Hunt got a little chili here.

knock knock

My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say “Knock knock”, we’d say “Who’s there?”. Then she’d say “I can’t remember”… and start to cry.

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What do I say now?

One bright and cheery Saturday morning a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.



The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some religious stories.”



“Well, come on in,” says the homeowner. He takes the stranger to...

Knock knock (from my 6 year old)

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Far Don.
Far Don who?
Fart on YOU!

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Kanga…

Kanga Who?

Actually, it’s kangaroo!

A salesman walked up to the door of a house and knocked.

A young boy opened the door, smoking a cigar and holding a glass of scotch in his hand.
The salesman asked, “Excuse me son... Are either of your parents home?”

The little boy said, “What the heck do YOU think?”

I’ve just seen someone get knocked over by a mobile library, as he was on the floor screaming and shouting due to the pain and agony the driver of the mobile library gets out and says

Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh

A farmer gets a knock at his door late into the evening

Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter.

The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside."

The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's gener...

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Wendy…

Wendy who?

Wendy moon hits your eyes like a big pizza pie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

David sets up Andy to go on a blind date

David sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Melissa, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly? What do I do if we don't connect" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." D...

Knock knock.....

*hmm...that's a nice ripe watermelon*

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

Knock knock

Who's there?
Whale.
Whale who?
Whale you please let me in

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

Knock knock

Context my son was not in the mood for knock knock jokes

Me: Knock knock

Me: Knock knock

Me: Knock knock

Him: oh good they left

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

I only knock up antivaxxers.

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.

"Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Norway" "Norway who?"

"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

A drunk guy is walking down the street...

He sees this nun, runs up, and knocks her over.

He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

I asked my Mom if I could borrow some of her sleeping pills..

she said sure knock yourself out!

My dog: “daddy, I’m bored, tell me a joke”…

Me: “ok, here goes, knock knock…”

My dog: “WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF”

Do you know the guy who created the knock knock joke?

They say he won the no-bell price.

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can c...

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Ah"

"Ah who?"

"Werewolves in London"

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

I exercise running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah's Fitness.

A woman goes to the doctor for a routine checkup

During the examination she asks the gynecologist if she can tell a joke.

The doctor says "yes"

The woman says "knock knock"

"Who's there"

"Oh, nevermind, you're already inside"

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