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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says...

WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!

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Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.

GUY: I want to get fucked.

Voice: Sure, slide $20 under the door.

The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...

Guy: I said, I'm here to get fucked!
...

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.
I love supporting the community.

If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - "I have an escape-pea."

My family don't like me

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 a.m.

3 a.m.!!!

Fortunately, i was still awake, playing my bagpipes.

Knock knock. Who’s there ? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who ?

who cares it’s pointless

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Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?

'cause Freedom rings

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

Do you know what did the guy who invented the first knock knock joke got ?

The 'no-bell prize'

Knock, knock.

- Who’s there?
OW!
- Ow Who?
Werewolves of London

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Gopher

Gopher who?

Gopherk urself.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

Knock Knock!

Come in!
Hey..! It's unlocked... Just come in.

(this is the best way to steal a knock-knock joke)

It's 1961 and Chuck knocks on his prom date's door.

Her dad opens it and invites him in.

"So, you're taking our Betty to her first prom?" he asks, sternly.

Chuck nervously stutters "y-yes sir."

"She'll be down in a sec. But let's have a chat while we wait."

Chuck slumps in the nearest chair, waiting for the inevitable tal...

My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it…

I said, ‘excuse me but what’s happening?’

She said, ‘there might have been a salad dressing’

I walked up to a Chinese laboratory and confidently knocked on the door.

WHO's there.

Knock Knock Knockin' on Heaven's Door

Knock Knock

Who's there?

I been shot

I been shot, who?

You think this is a joke??

This guy hears a knock. Opens his door and looks down, and he sees a snail.

Snail says, “Hello, sir, I was wondering if -“

The guy interrupts the snail and says, “Get lost!” and kicks the snail across the yard, and goes back inside.

Seven months later, the guy hears a knock. Open his door looks down, and sees the snail.

Snail says:

“What the he...

Knock knock

Who’s there ?
Ice cream soda
Ice cream soda who?
Ice cream soda people can hear me !!!!!!

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A woman is getting out of the shower when she hears a knock at the door

“It’s the blind man!”


She thinks to herself, oh he’s blind I don’t have to get dressed as he can’t see me


She goes to open the door and asks him what he wants


He smiles, walks in the house and says


“Lovely pair of tits you’re spotting there, where woul...

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband ...

Knock, knock!

Get a warrant.

I was waiting in line and this guy knocked me out cold with a right hook. When I came to it, he told me:

This is the punch line.

I heard a faucet knocking on my door...

Let that sink in.

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

Knock knock...

“Who’s there?”

“I got up”

(REPLY)

“DISGUSTING!!! Why are you telling me this?? Just go then!!”

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I was attacked by three men last night. I managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time to have a wank but I thought fuck it, it might be the last chance I get.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there"
"Door mom"
"Door mom who?"
"Dormammu I've come to bargain."

Knock-knock

Who’s there?

Europe.....

The one who invented the 'Knock Knock' jokes........

Definitely deserves a 'No Bell' prize!!

Confucius say it's better to be knocked down and held up...

... than held down and knocked up.

"Knock knock!"

who's there?

"You!"

You who?

"YooHoo Big summer blow out!"

Knock Knock

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

Knock knock. Who's there? Bacon. Bacon who?

Bacon a cake for my cake day.

Knock knock.

Who's there?


Little lady...


...



I didn't know you could yodel.

"Knock knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Knock knock knock"

"Alright, who is it?!"

"A confused woodpecker"

If you get an email starting with Knock Knock don’t open it.

It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.

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Knock, Knock.

Its Open.

Knock, Knock!

Door is open come in.

KNOCK, KNOCK!!!!

Yeah, come on in.

JERK!!!

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My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

Knock knock

-Who's there?

Eye makeup

-Eye makeup who?

Did you flush?

The best Knock Knock joke

Me- "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Dad- "Why"

Me- "To get to the idiots house BAHAHA"

Dad- "That's stupid"

Me- "Fine this one is better, Knock Knock"

Dad- "Who's there"

Me- "The chicken :)"

I went to see a psychic and knocked on her door.

She said "Who is it?" so I left.

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A man hears a knock at the door late at night...

A man hears a knock at the door late at night.
He goes downstairs and answers it.
There’s a man stood there, and he said
“Hi mate, is there any chance you can give me a push?”
The homeowner said angrily,
“Do you know what time it is? It’s nearly 3:00, I’ve got to be up for work in 2...

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A farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Can you do any manual farm work?", asked the farmer.

The man said, "A bit sure, but I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I could use a little he...

My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered

3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!

Me: Who's there?

3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!

Me: Fork who?

*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 yea...

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The other day I was walking through town and I took a shortcut down an alley way. I got jumped by 5 guys, and managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a wank though

Knock knock..who is there?

No one is there I’m lonely

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "A control freak." "A con..."

"Now say, 'A control freak who?'!"

A census enumerator is working out in the country when he knocks on the door of a farmhouse.

A woman opens the door, and the man explains he’s with the census and she agrees to do the interview. Eventually he gets to the part where he asks if she has children.

“Let’s see,” says the woman, “There’s Timmy and Tammy; they’re 4. There’s Molly and Holly; they’re 8. There’s Terry and Larr...

Knock knock?

Whose there?

A little old lady

....

A little old lady who?

...

I didn't know you could yodel!

Credit does to Google voice assistant. I sheer shock had me laughing for a solid 15 seconds.

Won’t believe the nerve of my neighbor knocking on my door at 3AM.

Fortunately I was up playing the drums.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Doctor.

Doctor who?

(In david tennents accent) Actually just "the doctor" is fine.

Late one night in the USSR there is a knock at the door.

Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door.



‘It’s all right,’ he says, coming back. ‘The building’s on fire.’

Knock knock

Who's there?

Waldo.

Waldo?! Where in the world have you been?! We've been looking everywhere for you!

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "John." "John who?" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively

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What do you say when Coronavirus knocks on your door?

Fuck-cough

Knock Knock, Who's there?

Dini

Dini who?

You know, the great dyslexic magician.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

My son made up this joke. Knock knock

-Who's there?
-Alexa
-Alexa who?
-Sorry I don't know that one. You can always leave feedback on the Alexa app.

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Police.

Police who?

Your wife’s dead.

Knock, knock

Who's there?



Grandad.



STOP THE FUNERAL

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A man is sitting at home when he gets a knock on the door from a police officer…

The officer asks the man if he is married, and the man replies “yes, I am.”

He then asks the man if he has a recent photograph of his wife. The man tells the officer to hold on one moment while he pulls out his phone to show him a picture of her.

The officer takes one look at the photo...

Knock-knock... Who's there? GameStop... Gamestop who?

GameSTOPPPPP BUYING!!! STOP BUYING!!! My hedge fund is going BANKRUPT!!!

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌...

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

From my son: "knock knock"

"who's there"

"owls say"

"owls say who"

*meniacal smile*

Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange.

Come right in, Mr. Trump.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Pete Townshend was lead guitarist for the.

Pete Townshend was lead guitarist for the who?

Yes.

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

What award did the creator of the knock knock jokes win?

The no-bell prize

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbl...

Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange who?

Orange you glad I lost the election?

Knock knock...

Dwayne.

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub, I'm dwowning!!!

Have you heard about the man who goes around knocking on doors?

"Doesn't ring a bell"

"That's him!"

A police officer just knocked on my door...

and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Pfft, my dogs don't even own bikes, idiot.

A salesman knocked on my door.

He asked me if I wanted to buy a Gideon's Bible or I want to listen to him read the book of Psalms.

He was a stammerer.

Knock knock, whos there? Alzheimer's associated, Alzheimer's associated who?

Oh god, we're too late

"Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Norway" "Norway who?"

"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"

What did God say to Joseph when he knocked up Mary?

Divine intervention baby!

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Knock Knock

Who's There?

Isabelle

Isabelle who?

Isabelle available to ring? Instead of going through this knock-knock bullshit every time

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Pee catch.

Pee catch who?

Go! I choose you!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce pause this joke for a word from our sponsor, Raid Shadow Legends

knock knock

who there

docter

docter who

yes

Knock knock. Who's there?

"Izda."
"Izda, who?."
"Izda ghost that reminds you to fix your doorbell."

A Jehovah’s Witness tried to tell me a knock-knock joke once...

But I ignored him.

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car suddenly breaks-down. They set out to find help, and come to a farmhouse. When they knock on the door, the farmer explains that he has only two beds, and one of the three has to sleep in the barn with the animals.

The three quickly agree. The Rabbi says he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi leaves, there's a knock on the bedroom door. It's the Rabbi, exclaiming, "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the s...

Knock knock,

Who's there?









Internet explorer.
Internet explorer














Have you heard about the new PS3 that just came out?

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"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Me you fucking idiot I just said knock, knock."

Knock knock

Who is there?

KGB

KG (slap person)

We will ask the question

Knock knock; Who's there?

W.H.O. says we must social distance, so go away.

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A nurse dies and mistakenly goes to hell. St. Peter, realising he fucked up, knocks on hell's gate ...

"Nurses belong in heaven, you know that, she must come with me," St. Peter exclaims.

"No, the nurse stays," Satan doesn't back down.

"Well then, I must bring this to god's attention and we'll be taking legal action."

Satan laughs, "do whatever you want, I have the best lawyers o...

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An old man is sitting alone on his birthday in a retirement home when he hears a knock at the door

He opens it to find a beautiful woman, immodestly dressed, smiling at him. She says, "I hear it's your birthday. Your friends here have hired me to give you super sex."

"I'm sure you're very good at what you do, miss," the man says. "But at my age, I'll take the soup."

Knock, knock

*shouting thru door*
“Just leave it outside, Thank you!”

(2020 update)

I'm afraid to tell my mom I accidentally knocked out some of my teeth and swallowed them...

It's really chewing me up inside.

Joke request: anyone know a good knock knock joke?

This is the best one I know (sorry).

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupt——

MOOOO!

Remember me!

My son: Dad, will you remember me in an hour?

Me: Yes.

My son: Dad, will you remember me in a day?

Me: Yes.

My son: Dad, will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

My son: Dad, will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

A while later he asks,
...

I told a knock knock joke while trick or treating last Halloween

I only got a couple Snickers

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A salesman knocks on a door...

A teenage boy answers the door wearing heels, panties, a bra and has makeup on. The salesman says, "um, are your parents home?

The kid says," What the fuck do you think? "

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Fucking fireman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

I saw two ladies fighting over the PS5. One knocked the other out.

She must have been an ex-boxxer.

Why can't you tell a Knock Knock joke to a Youtuber?

Cause he'll ask you to subscribe to the bell icon!

Two in one!

"Knock knock"

"Who's th-"

"MOO! Tank."

"Tank who?"

"You're welcome. Knock knock."

"Who's there?

"Time travelling interrupting cow."

A husband and wife are on a golf course

The wife swings and it cracks to the right nailing a house and smashing a window. Being responsible adults they went to apologize and pay for the damage. Upon knocking on the front door, the door opens wide up to a man with his arms crossed above a broken bottle. The man explains he’s a genie and ha...

How to tell your family that you knocked up a girl?

Tell them a dad joke

The Man Who Knows Everyone

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know," he said, "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it...

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

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