What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

Cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

Me: *pulls out flower pot*. Oh you mean this?

Cop: *laughing*. My mistake, what are ya growing

Me: pot

What's the difference between a jeweler, a jailer, and a pot of glue?

One sells watches while the other watches cells.

And the pot of glue?

Well that's where you get stuck.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

Chicken pot pie

My three favorite things.

Why do married men have pot bellies?

When single men get home they see what’s in the fridge and then go to bed...

When married men get home they see what’s in the bed and then go to the fridge...

Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

...It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, i just got laid this morning..

Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

I think my dog's been smoking pot.

Just the other day I told him to play dead and he said "Nah man play Skynyrd!"

Where do pot dealers keep their money?

In a joint bank account.

What do you call a paraplegic pot head:

A baked potato.

My doctor just told me, “If you don’t stop drinking and smoking pot, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat.”

It is the best day of my life.

What’s the difference between a guitar, a tuna, and a pot of glue?

What’s the difference between a guitar, a tuna, and a pot of glue?

Person: I don’t know.

You can tuna guitar but you can’t guitar a tuna.

Person: didn’t you mention a pot of glue also?

I knew you’d get stuck on that.

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

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A pot-heads ice-fishing experience.

A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the needed equipment and makes his way to the closest frozen ice. He goes about 20 feet out and drills a hole in the ice. "There's no fish there!" Booms a voice. The stoner shrugs and moves a further 50 feet out and drills another hole. "T...

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

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Archeologists have reportedly uncovered the chamber pot of Jesus Christ

Holy shit, right?

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Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

How did the pot-smoking Jedi die?

Blunt force trauma

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

What do you call a computer that smokes pot?

High-tech.

Why did the pig jump into the pot of stew?

Because it was stew-pig

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?

They're both cauld ron.

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

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I went to the doctor because I was constipated

He said, "When did this start?"

"After I moved to Colorado," I replied.

He told me to start shittin or get off the pot.

Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

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If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

What does a pot smoker and a cannibal have in common today?

They can't stop eating the body of Christ.

The lizard that smoked pot.....

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have ...

If you took ecstasy and smoked pot

You'd be a rolling stone.

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

How do you make fondue without one of those special pots?

You fondon’t.

The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly. It was a little soup rising.

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I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

I finally got around to buying marijuana stocks. They went down in flames at least as fast as any other pot I have ever bought.

I need a joint

What did Phish fans say when they ran out of pot?

This band sucks

I used to be into drinking pot and other bad stuff until my parents yelled at me...

They said "You're not supposed to drink it, stupid."

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with ...

There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular

lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor and barely has an a...

A cow walks into a pot field...

The steaks have never been higher.

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

I spent too much on my neti pot...

I really paid through the nose for this thing

Apparently many people get all of their artistic inspiration from pot.

I wouldn’t follow in their footsteps. They seem highly sketchy.

What did the pothead want for Christmas

A body

I was just washing up in the kitchen with the back door open, when an owl suddenly flew in, dried all the pots, put them away and flew off.

it was a Teat Owl

A watched pot never boils

but a redhead will sunburn regardless of witnesses

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

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Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

To the person who found a pot of marmalade at a Foo Fighters concert last year

That's my jam

Why did the Irish man only put 239 beans in his soup pot?

Because just one more would have made the soup too farty.

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

I was disappointed that my friend chose to bring hot dogs to my fancy pot-luck dinner party.

But, I suppose he could have bratwurst.

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

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Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I...

Husband notices that after every fight...

...wife goes to the bathroom and locks for 10mins. When she is back everything is back to normal. This piques his curiosity.

So, he decides to ask her about it.
Husband: Honey, I've notice that everytime we fight, you go and lock the bathroom. What about it? Tell me about your coping mec...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?

Harry Potter

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Why did the comedian put laxatives in the pot brownies?

For shits and giggles.

What happened to the Native American chief who drank 10 pots of tea before going to sleep?

He drowned in his teapee

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My porn kink is naked girls smoking pot.

I'm a weed wacker.

I'm like spaghetti: I'm straight!

as long as I stay away from the pot...

A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff...

*Baah Dum Tssssss*

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

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Me and my mates hosted a circle jerk the other night and put £5 in the pot. We all put £5 into a jar and whoever ejaculated last got all the money in the jar. I came in a respectable second.

Which meant I finished in last place.

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