UPJOKE
pantoiletcanpottycauldronteapotkettleplanterwokcasserolejarroastbathroomlavatorycoffeepot

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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Two missionaries are sitting in a cannibal's cooking pot...

One says to the other "I don't know why you're looking so pleased with yourself, we're about to be eaten!"

The other replies "I've just pissed in his soup.".

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend

They're both cauldron

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

In the early evening...
My wife caught me, my boss and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Later that night, an officer caught five people smoking pot outside my office.

My wife looked at ...

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

What do you call a metallic Russian chamber pot?

Vladimir Poo-tin.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

I caught two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window.

Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

Two eggs are put into a pot of boiling water, what did one egg say to the other?

It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I got laid last night

Went to a rock festival and got arrested for selling pot to The Police.

It was a Sting operation.

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I made pot brownies with laxatives…

You know, for shits and giggles.

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Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums……

Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

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A woman went into a pet shop

to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog i...

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

Even though I no longer smoke pot...

I like hanging out with friends who do....

They always have the best snacks.

Cannibal chief: What's your job?

Victim (already in cooking pot): I'm a news editor.

Cannibal chief: Good news, you'll soon be editor-in-chief.

What do you get when you pour a pot of tea down a rabbit hole?

Hot, cross bunnies!

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*Cannibals preparing a soup*

Two missionaries were sitting in a large pot of water as several cannibals built a fire under the pot.

Other cannibals were busy slicing potatoes, carrots and other vegetables an adding them into the pot with the two missionaries.

The water started getting hotter and hotter the missi...

Why are pot smokers always asking "What?"

They're doobie-ous.

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

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Stuart is having a beer at a bar when he feels the sudden urge to shit. He goes to the bathroom sits down on the pot when the guy in the toilet next to him says, "hey," through the dividing wall. A bit apprehensive, Stuart says, "Hello?"

The guys asks, "how's it going" to which Stuart responds, "I'm sorry, do I know you?" The guy now responds in an annoyed tone, "dude let me call you back, the schmuck in the stall next to me thinks we're having a conversation."

My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

*TRUE* I Went to the Pot Store Today

I'm waiting to go back into the meds area and a guy comes walking in with his 10 year old son. The kid looks around and sniffs, "gosh, Dad. It smells just like our house here."

I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

Someone just sent me an email about potted meat.

I didn’t open it, it looked like Spam.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

A lady of advanced age required the services of a page-boy ...

... and advertised: "Youth wanted."

One of her dearest friends sent her by the next post a bottle of Blank's celebrated wrinkle filler, a skin tightener, a pot of fairy bloom, a set of false teeth, and a flaxen wig.



Source: "Empress Express" Newspaper, June 20, 1913, Empress, A...

Chicken pot pie

My three favourite things!

A guy walks into a small town bar

A guy walks into his favorite small-town bar and checks out the "Daily Lunch Specials" on the white board. "Alligator is the daily special?" he asks the bartender incredulously. "Where the heck did you learn how to cook alligator?" "Oh, it's easy to make," the bartender assures him. "You just toss i...

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist

"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"

"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"

"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

Why was there an electric bulb in the cooking pot?

Because it was my first time of making light soup.

The recipe said to put the pot in at 180 degrees

Now it’s all over the bottom of the oven

A rooster smokes marijuana and walks in a circle. What is the name for the ratio of the circumference of that circle to its diameter?

Chicken pot pi

I was going to cook an alligator for dinner...

But realised I only had a croc pot.

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

What's the difference between a tuna, piano, and a pot of glue?

you can't eat a piano

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An old joke

A woman resists giving her husband a BJ despite his relentless pleas. When she shares her disdain for oral her friend tells her about her newest discovery: a BJ frog. The wife purchases one of the frogs, brings it home and convinces her husband to try it out. She retires to the bedroom upstairs leav...

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

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If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says “Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!”

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says “No no, I think it’s chili.”

Did you hear the one about the stoned proverbialist?

He watched his pot waiting for it to boil.

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

The pot that gave birth

Edit: this joke is from the famous turkish humorous character Nasreddin Hoca. Hope you like.

One day Nasreddin borrows a cooking pot from his neighbor and while returning he puts a smaller pot inside it.

When the neighbor asks what that means, he replies “The pot gave birth and deliver...

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I was in the kitchen banging pots and pans.

My mom walked in and said “When you came out as pansexual this isn’t what I thought you meant…”

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around befor...

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

What do you call a town where everyone smokes pot?

High society.

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I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold.

Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict.

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As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

A Texan rancher gets visited by his cousin from California.

After some friendly catching up the cousin asks him, „if there were any quiet spots in the area where one might be able to smoke a blunt in peace“. The rancher answers „sure, you can go over there, near the cow pasture is a nice bench you can sit on“
His cousin thanks him and the rancher goes to ...

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

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Cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

Me: *pulls out flower pot*. Oh you mean this?

Cop: *laughing*. My mistake, what are ya growing

Me: pot

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

They say America is a great big melting pot...

But nobody bothered to mix it

“Mom, why is the insta pot dented?”

“Cause it couldn’t handle the pressure.”

Two dudes are smoking pot

One tells another:

-Dude, I think this pot is making me stupid, I should quit.

Second guy responds:

-No, dude it's the other way round, you're becoming smarter and realising that you're an idiot.

The joke is originally in Georgian, this is a translation.

I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head...

Im alright, it wasn't a big dill

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I...

What do you call portable, two-way radio transceivers that hate racism and like to smoke pot?

Wokey-Tokies

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

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A pot head sits on the balcony with some good shit

He starts rolling a blunt, lights it up and takes a deep puff. All of a sudden a huge fireball flies across the sky. He‘s like „woah, tough shit“. So he rolls another one. He lights it up, inhales and bam! Another huge fireball flies across the sky. „No way, that‘s insane“. He rolls a third one and ...

Why shouldn't you grow marijuana in the ground?

Because it's a pot plant.

The lizard that smoked pot.....

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have ...

Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

What do you call someone from Anchorage that smokes pot?

Baked Alaskan.

Three Kingdoms.

So, there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake.



The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.

The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair ...

What’s the similarity between a pot head and a Syrian girl wearing jeans?

They both get stoned.

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

Cow stumbles into pot field

The steaks have never been higher.

Credit to indian hills puns check them out they're great

I heard a joke today

Jack: I stood under my girlfriend's window and sang a love song to her. She threw me a flower.

Danny: then why is there a wound on your head?

Jack: she forgot to take the flowers out of the pot

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water?

Stew

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

I just gave my cows pot

Now the steaks are high.

Oregon fires trapped cattle on a pot farm...

...the farm made up the majority of the surrounding town’s economy so an unprecedented rescue effort ensued.

Unfortunately, It all burned to the ground and the steaks couldn’t have been higher...

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

The first time Snoop Dogg bought a pot pie he was probably very disappointed.

I’m sorry but I thought of this and nearly peed myself

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I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

What do you call a disabled man when he’s smoking pot at a casino?

A high roller.

The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

I think my dog's been smoking pot.

Just the other day I told him to play dead and he said "Nah man play Skynyrd!"

In a hotel is Putin's Russia

3 Friends are in a Hotel room in Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks down...

Popped a tire on a pot hole today

Badum tss

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The Bible actually advocates for pot and homosexuality

Leviticus:12 - "If a man lies down with another man, they both should be stoned."

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

What is the difference between a tuna, a piano and a pot of glue?

You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna.












Wait what about the glue?

Aha I knew you’d get stuck on that!

Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

I was going to tell a joke about weed.

But I didn’t want to stir the pot.

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I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle...

...here is my... other handle? *HOLY SHIT*, I'M A SUGAR BOWL!

A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot.

- Dude, don’t smoke it, it’s harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running.

A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine.

- My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us.

After a little run, they see the lion ...

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