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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

Even though I no longer smoke pot...

I like hanging out with friends who do....

They always have the best snacks.

I caught two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window.

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I made pot brownies with laxatives…

You know, for shits and giggles.

Why are pot smokers always asking "What?"

They're doobie-ous.

Two eggs were boiling in a pot...

One egg says "hey you wanna see my crack"?

The other egg says "Don't tease me I ain't hard yet!"

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

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Stuart is having a beer at a bar when he feels the sudden urge to shit. He goes to the bathroom sits down on the pot when the guy in the toilet next to him says, "hey," through the dividing wall. A bit apprehensive, Stuart says, "Hello?"

The guys asks, "how's it going" to which Stuart responds, "I'm sorry, do I know you?" The guy now responds in an annoyed tone, "dude let me call you back, the schmuck in the stall next to me thinks we're having a conversation."

How do you call a pot smoking cleric?

A high priest.

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

A rooster smokes marijuana and walks in a circle. What is the name for the ratio of the circumference of that circle to its diameter?

Chicken pot pi

Chicken pot pie

My three favourite things!

What is the best way to cook an alligator?

A Croc Pot.

Why was there an electric bulb in the cooking pot?

Because it was my first time of making light soup.

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Three Kingdoms.

So, there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake.



The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.

The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair ...

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went...

In a hotel is Putin's Russia

3 Friends are in a Hotel room in Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks down...

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist

"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"

"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"

"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

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I was in the kitchen banging pots and pans.

My mom walked in and said “When you came out as pansexual this isn’t what I thought you meant…”

Thatll do it.

A man bought what he thought was a porcelain tea pot at a trader's market,when he finally made it home he was polishing it before putting it in his China cabinet. Smoke began pouring out of it and low and behold a genie appeared. The genie told the man he had three wishes,the only thing is your ex w...

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The Last Safari

Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Brit and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters they can have one last wish.

"What's your last request?" he asks the American.

"I'd like a steak," he rep...

Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says “Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!”

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says “No no, I think it’s chili.”

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

The recipe said to put the pot in at 180 degrees

Now it’s all over the bottom of the oven

I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

What's the difference between a tuna, piano, and a pot of glue?

you can't eat a piano

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

Sorry I can't get hard right now...I just got laid 10 minutes ago!

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I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold.

Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict.

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I ran into a buddy last month and invited him to a party

He said, “no, thanks. I don’t go to parties anymore. It’s too embarrassing.“

“What do you mean?“

“Well, I always drink too much, and when I’m drunk I think it’s funny to piss in peoples’ flower pots. Then the next day, everybody’s talking about it, and it’s too embarrassing. So I just ...

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

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As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

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The Dark side of KungFu

Master: I've been watching you for a while and have decided you aren't good enough.

Disciple: But I will try harder master.

Master: I'ts no good, you don't learn, your lazy and full of bad habits.
So instead I will break tradition and show you the forbidden Black Arts.

Discip...

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

How do you call a group of stoners smoking weed on a live stream?

A pot-cast.

What do you call a town where everyone smokes pot?

High society.

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...

But there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed S...

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

The pot that gave birth

Edit: this joke is from the famous turkish humorous character Nasreddin Hoca. Hope you like.

One day Nasreddin borrows a cooking pot from his neighbor and while returning he puts a smaller pot inside it.

When the neighbor asks what that means, he replies “The pot gave birth and deliver...

“Mom, why is the insta pot dented?”

“Cause it couldn’t handle the pressure.”

They say America is a great big melting pot...

But nobody bothered to mix it

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A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

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I remember when I was an apprentice Japanese gardener and showed my master the pot of bulbs I'd planted..

" You Lack Crocus" he said..

What do you call portable, two-way radio transceivers that hate racism and like to smoke pot?

Wokey-Tokies

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If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

What do you call someone from Anchorage that smokes pot?

Baked Alaskan.

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ...

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A pot head sits on the balcony with some good shit

He starts rolling a blunt, lights it up and takes a deep puff. All of a sudden a huge fireball flies across the sky. He‘s like „woah, tough shit“. So he rolls another one. He lights it up, inhales and bam! Another huge fireball flies across the sky. „No way, that‘s insane“. He rolls a third one and ...

Two dudes are smoking pot

One tells another:

-Dude, I think this pot is making me stupid, I should quit.

Second guy responds:

-No, dude it's the other way round, you're becoming smarter and realising that you're an idiot.

The joke is originally in Georgian, this is a translation.

I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head...

Im alright, it wasn't a big dill

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

Harry Potter cant find the difference between his cooking pot from his best friend,

They're both cauldron

I hate it when chefs gossip about stuff

All they do is stand around and stir the pot.

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Cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

Me: *pulls out flower pot*. Oh you mean this?

Cop: *laughing*. My mistake, what are ya growing

Me: pot

Cow stumbles into pot field

The steaks have never been higher.

Credit to indian hills puns check them out they're great

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me..

We all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't f...

What’s the similarity between a pot head and a Syrian girl wearing jeans?

They both get stoned.

Oregon fires trapped cattle on a pot farm...

...the farm made up the majority of the surrounding town’s economy so an unprecedented rescue effort ensued.

Unfortunately, It all burned to the ground and the steaks couldn’t have been higher...

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A couple was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary.

When the night fell, the wife approached her husband wearing the same shear negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked coquettishly at her husband and asked, “Do you remember this?”

“Yes, dear, I do.” He said, “This is the same negligee that you wore on our wedding night.”
...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water?

Stew

What is the difference between a tuna, a piano and a pot of glue?

You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna.












Wait what about the glue?

Aha I knew you’d get stuck on that!

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An Amercian, a Russian and a Shepherd from mountains are drinking.

American starts boasting : " Guys , in USA we have such a big hangar , that it takes a full tank of fuel to cross from one side to other." Russian: " aa that is nothing , we in mother russia , we have such a large pot for potatoes , that we use two nuclear submarines for stirring." . Shepherd " Well...

A six-year-old said grace at family dinner one evening. "Dear God, thank You for the pancakes."

When she concluded, her mother asked her why she thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken-pot-pie.

She smiled and said, "I thought I would check to see if He was paying attention."

What do you call the Sasquatch who likes to throw pots?

Hairy Potter

Never been sure what breed my dog is

She’s kind of squatty with floppy ears. When we have supper she begs for our plates and bowls to lick then naps in the den.

Unless we have chili. Then she stays by the stove guarding the pot of chili.

Pretty sure she’s a chili dog.

I just gave my cows pot

Now the steaks are high.

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The Bible actually advocates for pot and homosexuality

Leviticus:12 - "If a man lies down with another man, they both should be stoned."

The lizard that smoked pot.....

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have ...

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I...

What do you call a disabled man when he’s smoking pot at a casino?

A high roller.

Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

The first time Snoop Dogg bought a pot pie he was probably very disappointed.

I’m sorry but I thought of this and nearly peed myself

A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot.

- Dude, don’t smoke it, it’s harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running.

A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine.

- My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us.

After a little run, they see the lion ...

I made a pot themed roller coaster

It’s called “The Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed”

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

What vegetable can you add to a heavy pot of water to make it lighter?

Leeks!

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

I think my dog's been smoking pot.

Just the other day I told him to play dead and he said "Nah man play Skynyrd!"

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

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A poor Irish family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

Three men sitting in the pot in the bathroom

first guy says “the water’s cold.”

Second guy says, “and deep.”

Third guy says, “and there is a bend in the pipe.”

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

If you smoke pot and forgot what day today is, don’t worry. You can celebrate again on the 25th of May.

Because 4/20 = 5/25

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I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

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two guys traveling out west

One guy has to take a dump. Complains to other guy, but they can't find a rest area. Finally they see a port a pot on the side of the road. Guy runs in there but shouts "THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER!!" other guy shouts back "just use a dollar!!"

Guy comes out in a while and has crap smeared all o...

A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff...

*Baah Dum Tssssss*

The cops just fined me $1000 when they found a bunch of pot plants in my greenhouse.

I guess they were right. People in glass houses shouldn’t get stoned.

I smoked some pot, and then texted my girlfriend, “We need to see other people.”

I wanted to end it on a high note.

Where do pot dealers keep their money?

In a joint bank account.

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Link walks into a guy's house and smashes the only pot in his house.

He takes the 20 rupees that he finds inside. Of course, the guy's not happy about this.

"Hey, you little buttwipe, are you robbing me or something?"

Link feels bad, so he gives the guy his 20 rupees back.

"Take this. You urned it."

Which makes you stronger milk or pot?

They say drinking milk makes you strong while pot makes you weak.
I have proven them wrong.
Drink milk as much as you can and try to move a wall you can't,
on the other hand smoke some pot and the wall will move on its own.

I know a few bilingual pot heads

The Rosetta stoners

What's the difference between a jeweler, a jailer, and a pot of glue?

One sells watches while the other watches cells.

And the pot of glue?

Well that's where you get stuck.

Popped a tire on a pot hole today

Badum tss

I asked my friend if he knew the difference between a chamber pot and a pan

He said 'no'

Needless to say, I stopped eating at his place

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