What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles?

Udon!?

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If you jack off in a pot...

...does that make you Pansexual?

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

My girlfriend smokes pot all day and works as a janitor in an apartment building.

She’s high maintenance.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

I asked my friend if he knew the difference between a chamber pot and a pan

He said 'no'

Needless to say, I stopped eating at his place

What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?

I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

Cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

Me: *pulls out flower pot*. Oh you mean this?

Cop: *laughing*. My mistake, what are ya growing

Me: pot

What do you call it when you die from smoking pot?

Highway to Heaven.

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.

Oh, I've tried other enemas…

Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

What's the difference between a jeweler, a jailer, and a pot of glue?

One sells watches while the other watches cells.

And the pot of glue?

Well that's where you get stuck.

I spend my teenage years drinking, smoking pot and listening to britpop.

The 90s were just a Blur.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

I think my dog's been smoking pot.

Just the other day I told him to play dead and he said "Nah man play Skynyrd!"

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

Why do married men have pot bellies?

When single men get home they see what’s in the fridge and then go to bed...

When married men get home they see what’s in the bed and then go to the fridge...

Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

When I hear the words Chicken pot pie......

I think, three of my favorite things

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A boy holding duct tape walks by an old man on a bench

The old man says, "what're you doing with that duct tape?" The boy replies saying, "I'm going to go catch some ducks." The old man says, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough, the boys comes back later holding a bunch of ducks wrapped in duct tape.

The next day the boy passes th...

Where do pot dealers keep their money?

In a joint bank account.

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What do pot heads call a morning orgasm?

Wake and Quake

What do you call a paraplegic pot head:

A baked potato.

My doctor just told me, “If you don’t stop drinking and smoking pot, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat.”

It is the best day of my life.

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

What’s the difference between a piano , tuna and a pot of glue?

Me:you can tune a piano but you can’t piano a tuna.

Friend: what about the glue?

Me: I knew you would get stuck on that!!

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A pot-heads ice-fishing experience.

A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the needed equipment and makes his way to the closest frozen ice. He goes about 20 feet out and drills a hole in the ice. "There's no fish there!" Booms a voice. The stoner shrugs and moves a further 50 feet out and drills another hole. "T...

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different ton...

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

How did the pot-smoking Jedi die?

Blunt force trauma

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?

They're both cauld ron.

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If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

What do you call a computer that smokes pot?

High-tech.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

I just bought a ton of potting soil on sale...

It was dirt cheap.

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

Why did the pig jump into the pot of stew?

Because it was stew-pig

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold?

You'll be the end of me.

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

it was the pot calling the cattle back

I was invited to a potluck and invited to bring my favorite casserole...

My family, being from Minnesota, has an affinity towards a particular brand of potted meat -- so I bring a casserole with this as the main ingredient.

When I get to the potluck, I am instructed to place my casserole in the bottom right corner of the table. As other guests arrive my casserole...

The lizard that smoked pot.....

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have ...

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

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FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

The Three Paddies find a Leprechaun...

The Three Paddies find a leprechaun, who brings them to the top of his rainbow.
“Slide down the rainbow, and shout out something, and you’ll find it at the bottom,” He says to them.
Paddy the Englishman slides down and shouts gold and he lands in huge pot of gold.
Paddy the Scotsman slides...

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

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I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

If you took ecstasy and smoked pot

You'd be a rolling stone.

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly. It was a little soup rising.

A cow walks into a pot field...

The steaks have never been higher.

Make your own Holy Water!

Put regular water in a pot. Boil the hell out of it.

I finally got around to buying marijuana stocks. They went down in flames at least as fast as any other pot I have ever bought.

I need a joint

How do you make fondue without one of those special pots?

You fondon’t.

What did Phish fans say when they ran out of pot?

This band sucks

I used to be into drinking pot and other bad stuff until my parents yelled at me...

They said "You're not supposed to drink it, stupid."

What do you call a spoon with a giant pit?

A pot

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Scooby Doo taught me....

that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

A blonde gets a new job

and at lunch time notices a coworker with a thermos. She asks him what it is. He says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!" The blonde is impressed so she gets one and brings it in the next day. Her coworker notices and says, "Oh I see you got a thermos of your own, w...

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I heard smoking weed keeps you regular. . .

Everyone tells me “Shit or get off the pot!”

Why did the Chinese President Xi Jinping decide to accept Hong Kong's declaration of independence?

He was unable to resist their Honey Pot Operation.

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

I spent too much on my neti pot...

I really paid through the nose for this thing

Apparently many people get all of their artistic inspiration from pot.

I wouldn’t follow in their footsteps. They seem highly sketchy.

I was just washing up in the kitchen with the back door open, when an owl suddenly flew in, dried all the pots, put them away and flew off.

it was a Teat Owl

A watched pot never boils

but a redhead will sunburn regardless of witnesses

My Hubby

My hubby said to me, "you remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

Why did the Irish man only put 239 beans in his soup pot?

Because just one more would have made the soup too farty.

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Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I...

To the person who found a pot of marmalade at a Foo Fighters concert last year

That's my jam

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Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

I was disappointed that my friend chose to bring hot dogs to my fancy pot-luck dinner party.

But, I suppose he could have bratwurst.

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Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff...

*Baah Dum Tssssss*

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