What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

An ancient mathematical joke

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?

They're both cauld ron.

Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

I’d like to make a toast to Chicken Pot Pie.

Three of my favorite things.

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

I caught two kids....

I caught Two kids smoking pot outside my office. 15 minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

If you took ecstasy and smoked pot

You'd be a rolling stone.

What does a pot smoker and a cannibal have in common today?

They can't stop eating the body of Christ.

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in USA ..

He will be rolling in his grave

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

How do you make fondue without one of those special pots?

You fondon’t.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

I finally got around to buying marijuana stocks. They went down in flames at least as fast as any other pot I have ever bought.

I need a joint

I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly. It was a little soup rising.

What did the pothead want for Christmas

A body

A cow walks into a pot field...

The steaks have never been higher.

I used to be into drinking pot and other bad stuff until my parents yelled at me...

They said "You're not supposed to drink it, stupid."

What did Phish fans say when they ran out of pot?

This band sucks

The lizard that smoked pot.....

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have ...

Apparently many people get all of their artistic inspiration from pot.

I wouldn’t follow in their footsteps. They seem highly sketchy.

The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

Customer: What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue Me: Idk lol? Customer: You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna. Me: What about the glue?

Customer: I knew you’d get stuck on that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

I was just washing up in the kitchen with the back door open, when an owl suddenly flew in, dried all the pots, put them away and flew off.

it was a Teat Owl

I spent too much on my neti pot...

I really paid through the nose for this thing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

A watched pot never boils

but a redhead will sunburn regardless of witnesses

There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular

lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor and barely has an a...

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

I was disappointed that my friend chose to bring hot dogs to my fancy pot-luck dinner party.

But, I suppose he could have bratwurst.

To the person who found a pot of marmalade at a Foo Fighters concert last year

That's my jam

Husband notices that after every fight...

...wife goes to the bathroom and locks for 10mins. When she is back everything is back to normal. This piques his curiosity.

So, he decides to ask her about it.
Husband: Honey, I've notice that everytime we fight, you go and lock the bathroom. What about it? Tell me about your coping mec...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the comedian put laxatives in the pot brownies?

For shits and giggles.

Why did the Irish man only put 239 beans in his soup pot?

Because just one more would have made the soup too farty.

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

What happened to the Native American chief who drank 10 pots of tea before going to sleep?

He drowned in his teapee

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

My Jewish girlfriend said that if I really loved her I would convert for her

So I told her to bake my pot pie at 176.667 degrees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My porn kink is naked girls smoking pot.

I'm a weed wacker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and my mates hosted a circle jerk the other night and put £5 in the pot. We all put £5 into a jar and whoever ejaculated last got all the money in the jar. I came in a respectable second.

Which meant I finished in last place.

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I...

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

What is the Zombie equivalent of a Leprechaun's Pot o' Gold?

Crypt o' Currency.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

I'm like spaghetti: I'm straight!

as long as I stay away from the pot...

A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff...

*Baah Dum Tssssss*

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

What does a pot smoking boxer and a Muslim woman have in common?

A Hijab

Mob of Pot Smokers Overthrowing Government:

"This is a high coup!"

What do you call a lizard that smokes pot?

A mariguana

Do you know the difference between a potty and a coffe pot?

No? Don't you ever invite me for coffee!

What is a Pot Heads favorite body part?

'ear *cough* 'ear

All states should legalize marijuana and redirect the resulting tax revenues to road repair

We'll call the program "Operation Pot Holes."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a pot full of money...

Then he asks :


- So, what's all that money about ?


The barman says :


- Well, you put $100 in there and take 3 tests. If you manage to complete all of them, you can have all the money inside the pot.


- What are the tests then ? The man says


-Firs...

Why can't clay pots provide for their family?

They're always getting fired

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People ask me all the time why I like putting laxatives in my pot brownies...

... I don't really know. I guess I'm just in it for the shits and gigs.

What's do pot and pusssy have in common?

You can tell the quality if you can smell it across the room.

Pot1o

Pot2o

Pot3o

Pot4o

Pot5o

Pot6o

Pot7o

Potato.

Popped a tire on a pot hole today

Badum tss

I asked my friend why he only smokes pot right outside of his front yard where he'd be more likely to be caught...

He said
"Because my dad said it's a gateway drug"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pot of chili nsfw

So there are four gay men, three of which are all involved with the last, we'll call him "Freddie". One day Freddie becomes ill and dies of the HIV. Before the funeral, the three gay men meet at the bar to decide the best way to handle the financial part of the ceremonies. They quickly agree that th...