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Pot Jokes

Smoking pot

Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.



She said if I did she was going to leave me.



That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

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I made pot brownies with laxatives…

You know, for shits and giggles.

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

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If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Im okay with pot being legalized.

But cocaine is…where I draw the line.

What did the Egg say to the pot of boiling water?

“Don’t expect me to get hard too fast, I just got laid this morning”

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Two missionaries are sitting in a cannibal's cooking pot...

One says to the other "I don't know why you're looking so pleased with yourself, we're about to be eaten!"

The other replies "I've just pissed in his soup.".

Why can't Harry potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

Chicken pot pie.

My three favorite things. How about you?

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

Why did the pot farmer have such ugly fields?

He was afraid to use a weed whacker.

The lizard that smoked pot.....

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have ...

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...

Popped a tire on a pot hole today

Badum tss

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

In the early evening...
My wife caught me, my boss and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Later that night, an officer caught five people smoking pot outside my office.

My wife looked at ...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

What do you call a metallic Russian chamber pot?

Vladimir Poo-tin.

The pot that gave birth

Edit: this joke is from the famous turkish humorous character Nasreddin Hoca. Hope you like.

One day Nasreddin borrows a cooking pot from his neighbor and while returning he puts a smaller pot inside it.

When the neighbor asks what that means, he replies “The pot gave birth and deliver...

What did the oyster say to his friend before they went into the pot?

Welp, we're shucked.

Why are pot smokers always asking "What?"

They're doobie-ous.

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

Even though I no longer smoke pot...

I like hanging out with friends who do....

They always have the best snacks.

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I...

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

Went to a rock festival and got arrested for selling pot to The Police.

It was a Sting operation.

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums……

Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Two dudes are smoking pot

One tells another:

-Dude, I think this pot is making me stupid, I should quit.

Second guy responds:

-No, dude it's the other way round, you're becoming smarter and realising that you're an idiot.

The joke is originally in Georgian, this is a translation.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

*TRUE* I Went to the Pot Store Today

I'm waiting to go back into the meds area and a guy comes walking in with his 10 year old son. The kid looks around and sniffs, "gosh, Dad. It smells just like our house here."

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

Someone just sent me an email about potted meat.

I didn’t open it, it looked like Spam.

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

I found a pot of gold today...

Au yeah

The recipe said to put the pot in at 180 degrees

Now it’s all over the bottom of the oven

Why was there an electric bulb in the cooking pot?

Because it was my first time of making light soup.

Cow stumbles into pot field

The steaks have never been higher.

Credit to indian hills puns check them out they're great

“Mom, why is the insta pot dented?”

“Cause it couldn’t handle the pressure.”

What's the difference between a tuna, piano, and a pot of glue?

you can't eat a piano

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Cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

Me: *pulls out flower pot*. Oh you mean this?

Cop: *laughing*. My mistake, what are ya growing

Me: pot

What do you call a town where everyone smokes pot?

High society.

Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

I just gave my cows pot

Now the steaks are high.

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I was in the kitchen banging pots and pans.

My mom walked in and said “When you came out as pansexual this isn’t what I thought you meant…”

Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup pot?

Because any more would be too farty.

I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

They say America is a great big melting pot...

But nobody bothered to mix it

I think my dog's been smoking pot.

Just the other day I told him to play dead and he said "Nah man play Skynyrd!"

Oregon fires trapped cattle on a pot farm...

...the farm made up the majority of the surrounding town’s economy so an unprecedented rescue effort ensued.

Unfortunately, It all burned to the ground and the steaks couldn’t have been higher...

Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says “Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!”

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says “No no, I think it’s chili.”

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Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

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The Bible actually advocates for pot and homosexuality

Leviticus:12 - "If a man lies down with another man, they both should be stoned."

What do you call someone from Anchorage that smokes pot?

Baked Alaskan.

Where do pot dealers keep their money?

In a joint bank account.

I know a few bilingual pot heads

The Rosetta stoners

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist

"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"

"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"

"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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A pot head sits on the balcony with some good shit

He starts rolling a blunt, lights it up and takes a deep puff. All of a sudden a huge fireball flies across the sky. He‘s like „woah, tough shit“. So he rolls another one. He lights it up, inhales and bam! Another huge fireball flies across the sky. „No way, that‘s insane“. He rolls a third one and ...

A watched pot never boils

but a redhead will sunburn regardless of witnesses

Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

What happens when you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia?

You get stoned.

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A pot-heads ice-fishing experience.

A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the needed equipment and makes his way to the closest frozen ice.
He goes about 20 feet out and drills a hole in the ice.
"There's no fish there!" Booms a voice.
The stoner shrugs and moves a further 50 feet out and drills another...

I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold.

Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict.

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

So there were two eggs in a pot.

The first egg says, "Look I have a crack!"

The second egg says, "I'm not hard yet"

Why do married men have pot bellies?

When single men get home they see what’s in the fridge and then go to bed...

When married men get home they see what’s in the bed and then go to the fridge...

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

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Two jokes involving the same pot-smoking monkey

**Pot-Smoking Monkey Joke #1:**

So, there's this monkey smoking a joint in a tree in the jungle with his little lizard buddy. The lizard says, "Ooh wee! This is some good shit! My mouth is dry is a hell. Imma run down to the pond and get a drink."

The lizard climbs down the tree, scurr...

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What do pot heads call a morning orgasm?

Wake and Quake

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

Mob of Pot Smokers Overthrowing Government:

"This is a high coup!"

If you took ecstasy and smoked pot

You'd be a rolling stone.

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

I tried a pot brownie once and I hated it

I couldn't keep the damn thing lit.

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My porn kink is naked girls smoking pot.

I'm a weed wacker.

I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

What's do pot and pusssy have in common?

You can tell the quality if you can smell it across the room.

The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

What do you call it when you die from smoking pot?

Highway to Heaven.

A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot.

- Dude, don’t smoke it, it’s harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running.

A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine.

- My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us.

After a little run, they see the lion ...

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