A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her daughter walks in. The daughter asks, “Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?”

Her mother replies, “I’ll show you”, and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the daughter says, “Someone’s at the door!”.

The mother laughs. “This is why people think we’re stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door.”

Eating her cooking is like playing Russian roulette.

I never know which meal is going to kill
me.

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking

Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

I'm really scared to tell my wife to clean up after cooking breakfast...

I've been walking on eggshells all day.

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A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

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I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

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If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

You know how when you are cooking a really nice steak, and your mouth starts to water?

Does the same thing happen to vegans when they mow their lawn?

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise

but the fire trucks ruined it.

A number is visiting a letter's house, where the letter is cooking a pi in the oven.

The number says "Decimal of that pi is so delicious. I wanna taste it so bad!"

The letter said "Alphabet you do."

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tr...

What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting that darn wheelchair in the oven

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

I made my family laugh while cooking eggs

What a great yolk

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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Got drunk and told my arabic neighbor his cooking tasted like shit

I really falafel about it

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

American intervention is kind of like my cooking...

It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.

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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

*true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast

I guess the yolk's on me...

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend.

They are both cauldron

Whenever asked about my culinary skills I always say I'm great at all kinds of cooking

Overcooking, undercooking...

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle


*tips fedora*


Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

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All those cooking shows

Him: With all those cooking shows you've watched you would think that your cooking would be good

Her: With all the porn you've watched, you'd think that you would be good at fucking.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

My brother asked if he could have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

Eating my cooking is like going to the fair.

It looks fun, but you'll probably just puke.

You’ll never be good at cooking...

If you don’t put the thyme in

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're ...

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Your cooking is pathetic

Husband: your cooking is horrible despite watching all the cooking shows.

Wife: you watch porn but do I complain?

A man serves up a severed head on a cooking show.

The judge gives him a 7/10.

‘The flavour has little body’, he says. ‘However, the execution is almost perfect.’

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

A woman is asking her husband "Darling, do you like my cooking today?"

The man replies: "Why are you looking for a fight?"

I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

Father’s Day Dad joke. What does a monkey wear while cooking?

An ape-ron

I just love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

I was over a friend's house and discovered his whole family serves frozen pizza without cooking it.

I chimed in with a "haven't you people ever heard of...cooking a hot DiGiorno?"

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.

“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

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Why did the straight kid get bullied in cooking class???

He wasn’t pansexual

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes

It was a whisk I was willing to take

Wife cooking

My wife was in the kitchen this morning cooking me bacon, sausage, eggs, hash browns and toast when I suddenly heard a loud 'thud.' Running in, I found her lying on the floor & not breathing. I was in a frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered, Denny's has the Grand Slam for $3.99.

I was cooking Chinese food down in Yosemite

... It was a Wok in the park.

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

A handjob is like cooking

It's good but even better when your Grandma does it

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A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

My wife just had the best Mothers Day EVER. She had all three meals served to her in bed, people waited on her hand and foot, and she didn't do any cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the kids.

Of course, she's in the hospital :(

TIFU by cooking bacon naked

It quickly turned into frying sausage.

I love cooking dogs and children.

But I hate using commas.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

My wife's cooking..

My wife's cooking is incredible,with a silent cr

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A wife is watching a cooking show

The husband walks in and says "Why are you watching a cooking show? You don't even know how to cook!"

The wife replies, "Well you watch porn..."

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

My cooking skills are so good

My cooking skills are so good, the smoke detectors cheer me on.

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you smell a steak cooking on the grill?

Is that what happens to vegans when they mow the grass?

Never go to a party where a scientist is doing the cooking.

If they're a physicist, everything will come out underdone because they'll have assumed a closed energy system.

If they're a biologist, you'll never actually get to eat anything because they'll insist on first feeding it to the cat, waiting a year, feeding it to your neighbour, and then waiti...

A mother is cooking in her kitchen when...

A mother is cooking in her kitchen when she picks up the pot. A genie comes out of the pot and says " You have one whisk, use it wisely"

What does a one night stand and cooking bad Chinese food have in common?

Both end in a wok of shame

My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils..

..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I don't get why people love a mother's cooking.

9 months in the oven and you came out awful.

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After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner.

She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about hi...

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My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking...

...and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism."

I said, "They're quite nice, you fat cunt."

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

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