The 70+ Best Cooking Jokes

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”

I nearly died

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

Thinking about starting a cooking website for chefs of all cuisines and ethnic tastes to show their skills.

Going to call it OnlyPans.

My ex's cooking was cold and bland.

Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.

Why can't Harry potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

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A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

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Honey…you’d think from watching all those cooking shows you’d know how to cook.

Husband…you’d think from watching all that porn you’d know how to…..

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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Two missionaries are sitting in a cannibal's cooking pot...

One says to the other "I don't know why you're looking so pleased with yourself, we're about to be eaten!"

The other replies "I've just pissed in his soup.".

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking...

...and asks for seconds.

I love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food I'm preparing.

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .

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Do you think kids in cannibal tribes reminisce about their mother's cooking?

Her breasts were always so tender.

Cooking steak...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for t...

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

Does anybody know where I can find a good family cooking book?

It's not easy shopping when you're a cannibal.

A couple decided to enter a local cooking competition. He did very well in the sausage category, but she got last place with chicken.

Together, they made the best wurst and the worst breast.

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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

One day, I walked into my kitchen and saw Usain Bolt there, cooking away…

I asked him, “What Jamaican?”

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.

So she explains, slowly and patiently:

"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

My wife asked for some peace and quiet while cooking dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

A kleptomaniac signed up for a cooking class,

He wanted to take a whisk.

Who won the asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai

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Did you hear Jamaica is making a spinoff of the British Bake Off about cooking spicy chicken?

It's called the Jamaican Jerk Off.

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I was watching a cooking show.

The host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings...

What the fuck is leftover beer?

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

I started cooking spaghetti.

Just to pasta time.

My Wife's cooking is so bad

If you left Dental Floss in the kitchen

The Roaches would hang themselves!

3 housewifes got fed up of cooking

so the 3 wives ( a british , a french and a russian ) decided not to cook for 3 days

at the end of the three days, they met again

the british said " the first day I didn't see anything new, the second day he went to the kitchen and started cooking"

the french said " the first ...

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Bad cooking and sex

Husband: Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV.

Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain?

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid...

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise

but the fire trucks ruined it.

What does the wicked witch of west say when cooking eggs and bacon?

FRY MY PRETTIES!

A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on...

What-Jamaican

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

A man sees a kebab shop owner, who is cooking some meat, and asks him a question

"Islam?"

"Yes, is lamb."

I need some help with cooking....

Can anyone offer me some Sage advice?

My French friend taught me his family's secret recipe for cooking duck in its own fat

I'm his confidant

I dropped my sirloin on the ground during a cooking contest.

Not a worry, the steaks were low

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!

A man comes home, sees his wife cooking and says “watcha makin?”

The wife says “I’m baking a cake in honor of a famous Jamaican. It will have his face on it”.

The man says “yeah I know that. I asked ‘what Jamaican?”

Why was there an electric bulb in the cooking pot?

Because it was my first time of making light soup.

Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with the Chinese cooking?

So she'd never wok alone.

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking!

Thinking the accusation was ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

She said: Your meat.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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What is common between sex and cooking?

Grandma does it best!

The key to good cooking

I used to be like that shouty chef on Hell's Kitchen. When I worked in the kitchen I yelled and shouted all the time. And then I discovered oven mitts.

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in I found her dead on the floor.

In a panic, I had no idea what to do.Then I remembered.

McDonald's do an all-day breakfast.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

Why did the mathematician spill all of his food in the oven rather than a cooking tray?

The directions said, “Put it in the oven at 180°”.

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

I was browsing through Netflix with my cooking teacher.

She said, "I don't know what we should watch."

I said, "Would you consider Squid Game?"

She said, "No, because it isn't wild meat."

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

What is the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting the wheelchair in the oven.

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