I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting that darn wheelchair in the oven

You know how when you are cooking a really nice steak, and your mouth starts to water?

Does the same thing happen to vegans when they mow their lawn?

I made my family laugh while cooking eggs

What a great yolk

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise

but the fire trucks ruined it.

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

A number is visiting a letter's house, where the letter is cooking a pi in the oven.

The number says "Decimal of that pi is so delicious. I wanna taste it so bad!"

The letter said "Alphabet you do."

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid...

I tried to make a good cooking joke

But I ran out of thyme

A man and his wife are cooking a ham one day

The woman chops off both ends and throws them away before putting it in the oven . Surprised, the husband asks why she did that. She replies “Well that’s the way my mother did it!” Curious, he calls his mother in-law and asks her why she did it that way. She tells him “My mother always did it that w...

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tr...

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Got drunk and told my arabic neighbor his cooking tasted like shit

I really falafel about it

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I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

I'm really scared to tell my wife to clean up after cooking breakfast...

I've been walking on eggshells all day.

American intervention is kind of like my cooking...

It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.

*true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast

I guess the yolk's on me...

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Whenever asked about my culinary skills I always say I'm great at all kinds of cooking

Overcooking, undercooking...

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend.

They are both cauldron

Quick cooking question - After I boil the vegetables,

What do I do with the leftover wheelchairs?

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

My brother asked if he could have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle


*tips fedora*


Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

You’ll never be good at cooking...

If you don’t put the thyme in

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All those cooking shows

Him: With all those cooking shows you've watched you would think that your cooking would be good

Her: With all the porn you've watched, you'd think that you would be good at fucking.

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're ...

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Your cooking is pathetic

Husband: your cooking is horrible despite watching all the cooking shows.

Wife: you watch porn but do I complain?

A woman is asking her husband "Darling, do you like my cooking today?"

The man replies: "Why are you looking for a fight?"

Wife cooking

My wife was in the kitchen this morning cooking me bacon, sausage, eggs, hash browns and toast when I suddenly heard a loud 'thud.' Running in, I found her lying on the floor & not breathing. I was in a frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered, Denny's has the Grand Slam for $3.99.

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

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Why did the straight kid get bullied in cooking class???

He wasn’t pansexual

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[Life Pro Tip] when cooking Kale.. add some coconut oil..

It makes it easier to scrape into the trash bin..

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Watched a cooking show the other day and the dessert they served was quite unsettling. It consisted of a female prostitute that had been hung, drawn and quartered...

They called it a Deconstructed Tart.

I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

Father’s Day Dad joke. What does a monkey wear while cooking?

An ape-ron

I just love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

I was cooking Chinese food down in Yosemite

... It was a Wok in the park.

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.

“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

I tried cooking Chinese spare ribs in the oven instead of the pan.

I'll tell you it was a walk in the park compared to the pork in the wok.

You know what my problem with cooking is?

I always make a meal out of it.

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes

It was a whisk I was willing to take

A handjob is like cooking

It's good but even better when your Grandma does it

I love cooking dogs and children.

But I hate using commas.

TIFU by cooking bacon naked

It quickly turned into frying sausage.

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

My wife's cooking..

My wife's cooking is incredible,with a silent cr

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A wife is watching a cooking show

The husband walks in and says "Why are you watching a cooking show? You don't even know how to cook!"

The wife replies, "Well you watch porn..."

As a Boy Scout, I failed my cooking badge.

I kept eating the Brownies before they were ready.

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you smell a steak cooking on the grill?

Is that what happens to vegans when they mow the grass?

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A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils..

..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Never go to a party where a scientist is doing the cooking.

If they're a physicist, everything will come out underdone because they'll have assumed a closed energy system.

If they're a biologist, you'll never actually get to eat anything because they'll insist on first feeding it to the cat, waiting a year, feeding it to your neighbour, and then waiti...

What does a one night stand and cooking bad Chinese food have in common?

Both end in a wok of shame

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After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner.

She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about hi...

I don't get why people love a mother's cooking.

9 months in the oven and you came out awful.

A mother is cooking in her kitchen when...

A mother is cooking in her kitchen when she picks up the pot. A genie comes out of the pot and says " You have one whisk, use it wisely"

What's Snoop Dogg's new cooking show called?

420 Braise It

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My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking...

...and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism."

I said, "They're quite nice, you fat cunt."

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

I wanted to crack a joke on cooking utensils...

...but it didn't pan out.

My wife's cooking is so bad

That we usually pray AFTER the meal.

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