My wife doesn't realize I'm not complimenting her cooking

When I say "you remind me of Gordon Ramsay"

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend?

They're both cauldron

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

A man is watching the news while his blonde wife is cooking dinner.

On the news, a reporter stated that five Brazilian men tragically died in a skydiving accident.

The husband says, “Hey honey, have you seen this?”

The woman comes over and looks at the TV. She instantly breaks into heavy tears, bawling.

The husband, surprised, says, “Well honey...

"Do you know what is the difference between a toilet bowl and a cooking pan?"

"No, I don’t"

"Okay, then I certainty will not be going to eat at your place!"

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A man saw that his wife was watching a cooking show and commented: "Why are you watching a cooking show? You can't cook anyway!"

His wife replied: "Why do you watch porn then? You can't fuck anyway!"

P.S. Sorry if you've heard this before but my colleague just told me this joke.

My girlfriend said she’s not a fan of Pan-Asian cooking

I thought it was called a Wok

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

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A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza

They put the pizza in the oven and waited

When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said “Let me pull it out.”

The father then said “You shouldn’t, it’s really hot.”

The son replied “Dad, you have 3 children, I don’t trust you to pull out.”

My wife's cooking is fit for a King.

"Here King! Here King!"

My roommate dissed my cooking and walked out of the kitchen.

So I threw a spice jar at the back of his head.
He never saw that cumin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried starting a unisex cooking group focused on fried foods

But no one will join me in "The Battered Men & Women's Club"

Why was the cooking joke not funny?

Because it didn't pan out

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

I was showing Yoda my new chinese cooking apparatus

He said 'wok it is called'

One day I was cooking some eggs and sausages for breakfast, and one of the sausages got burnt.

I'll never cook naked again.

What does cooking burgers and wives have in common?

When the blood starts oozing out you flip them over to the brown side.

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

Why aren’t conservatives good at cooking steak?

Because you have to season it liberally.

Did you hear about the pasta and its cooking water?

Their relationship was strained.

What if Cinderella was a cooking slave instead of a cleaning slave..

.. and her name was Mozzerella

How did the cannibal win the cooking contest?

A lot of blood, sweat, and tears

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

‌‌A husban‌‌d notice‌‌s hi‌‌s wife’‌‌s hearin‌‌g i‌‌s deterioratin‌‌g an‌‌d decide‌‌s t‌‌o visi‌‌t he‌‌r docto‌‌r fo‌‌r advice.

“‌‌I can’‌‌t spea‌‌k t‌‌o m‌‌y wif‌‌e directl‌‌y a‌‌s sh‌‌e migh‌‌t fin‌‌d i‌‌t offensive‌‌, give‌‌n ou‌‌r ol‌‌d age‌‌” h‌‌e say‌‌s t‌‌o th‌‌e doc.

“There’‌‌s ‌‌a simpl‌‌e tric‌‌k yo‌‌u ca‌‌n tr‌‌y t‌‌o determin‌‌e he‌‌r hearing‌‌” explain‌‌s th‌‌e doctor‌‌. “Simpl‌‌y as‌‌k he‌‌r ‌‌a questio‌...

If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.

Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

I once chased out a guy who was trying to steal meat cooking in one of the ovens

You meet a lot of strange people at the Morgue

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I'm cooking, I always make sure to have vegetarian options...

They can make do or they can fuck off.

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

I like cooking with my kids.

But sometimes I have to resort to chicken.

Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..

They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars?

Pal-poutine

.
.
.
.
.
Sorry, I'll get my coat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my girlfriend checks on me when I'm cooking..

...she'll get really horny every time i'll make eggs. Turns out she's just pansexual.

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

How did Dwayne Johnson's family know they had Covid-19?

They couldn't smell what 'The Rock' was cooking.

I love cooking meat for tiny men...

...make gnome a steak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking

Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

Did you hear The Rock and his family have recovered from Covid?

They were partially asymptomatic but he first suspected they were infected when none of them could smell what he was cooking.

Cooking is easy

But it's not easier than not cooking

Lawyer’s wife is refusing to cook...

...After experimenting with various dishes for four days during the lockdown, the wife was not interested in cooking anything and wanted the husband to cook.

The wife asked the husband why are only wives expected to cook food for their husbands during the lockdown.

The lawyer husband s...

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

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A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupi...

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