A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid...

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Got drunk and told my arabic neighbor his cooking tasted like shit

I really falafel about it

*true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast

I guess the yolk's on me...

American intervention is kind of like my cooking...

It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.

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If Jamaican chefs held a cooking competition...

... would it be called a “jerk off”?

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

My brother asked if he could have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

Eating my cooking is like going to the fair.

It looks fun, but you'll probably just puke.

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All those cooking shows

Him: With all those cooking shows you've watched you would think that your cooking would be good

Her: With all the porn you've watched, you'd think that you would be good at fucking.

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

Whenever asked about my culinary skills I always say I'm great at all kinds of cooking

Overcooking, undercooking...

Harry Potter struggles telling his cooking pot and Best Friend apart...

They're both Cauldron!

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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

Quick cooking question - After I boil the vegetables,

What do I do with the leftover wheelchairs?

You’ll never be good at cooking...

If you don’t put the thyme in

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

A man serves up a severed head on a cooking show.

The judge gives him a 7/10.

‘The flavour has little body’, he says. ‘However, the execution is almost perfect.’

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tr...

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're ...

A woman is asking her husband "Darling, do you like my cooking today?"

The man replies: "Why are you looking for a fight?"

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle


*tips fedora*


Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

Wife cooking

My wife was in the kitchen this morning cooking me bacon, sausage, eggs, hash browns and toast when I suddenly heard a loud 'thud.' Running in, I found her lying on the floor & not breathing. I was in a frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered, Denny's has the Grand Slam for $3.99.

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[Life Pro Tip] when cooking Kale.. add some coconut oil..

It makes it easier to scrape into the trash bin..

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Why did the straight kid get bullied in cooking class???

He wasn’t pansexual

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A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband walks in.

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

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Your cooking is pathetic

Husband: your cooking is horrible despite watching all the cooking shows.

Wife: you watch porn but do I complain?

Watched a cooking show the other day and the dessert they served was quite unsettling. It consisted of a female prostitute that had been hung, drawn and quartered...

They called it a Deconstructed Tart.

You know what my problem with cooking is?

I always make a meal out of it.

What's the most difficult thing about cooking vegetables?

Getting them out of the wheel chair.

Father’s Day Dad joke. What does a monkey wear while cooking?

An ape-ron

I just love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

What was the last cooking implement used by Anne Frank?

A Dutch Oven

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

I was cooking Chinese food down in Yosemite

... It was a Wok in the park.

I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.

“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

TIFU by cooking bacon naked

It quickly turned into frying sausage.

My brother told me he hates white rice and will only use brown rice when cooking.

I called him a rice-ist.

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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

A handjob is like cooking

It's good but even better when your Grandma does it

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

I love cooking dogs and children.

But I hate using commas.

My cooking skills are so good

My cooking skills are so good, the smoke detectors cheer me on.

My wife's cooking..

My wife's cooking is incredible,with a silent cr

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you smell a steak cooking on the grill?

Is that what happens to vegans when they mow the grass?

I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes

It was a whisk I was willing to take

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A wife is watching a cooking show

The husband walks in and says "Why are you watching a cooking show? You don't even know how to cook!"

The wife replies, "Well you watch porn..."

What does a one night stand and cooking bad Chinese food have in common?

Both end in a wok of shame

A mother is cooking in her kitchen when...

A mother is cooking in her kitchen when she picks up the pot. A genie comes out of the pot and says " You have one whisk, use it wisely"

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A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

I don't get why people love a mother's cooking.

9 months in the oven and you came out awful.

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After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner.

She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about hi...

What's Snoop Dogg's new cooking show called?

420 Braise It

Never go to a party where a scientist is doing the cooking.

If they're a physicist, everything will come out underdone because they'll have assumed a closed energy system.

If they're a biologist, you'll never actually get to eat anything because they'll insist on first feeding it to the cat, waiting a year, feeding it to your neighbour, and then waiti...

Did you know that before WWII, Hitler and Stalin took cooking classes together?

They were learning how to make peas with their enemies.

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My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking...

...and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism."

I said, "They're quite nice, you fat cunt."

My wife's cooking is so bad

That we usually pray AFTER the meal.

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

I wanted to crack a joke on cooking utensils...

...but it didn't pan out.

My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils..

..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

What do we call pressure cooking gone wrong?

A blast.

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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted me to be honest about her cooking.

She asked me if I wanted her to be honest about our sex life.


Told her the food was amazing.

What do you call a disney movie about antique cooking wares

pewter pan

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor.
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask ...

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him...

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A little black boy is cooking with his grandma.

Jokingly, he pats some flour on his face and says, "Look, gramma! I'm a little white boy!"
Grandma pops him on the mouth, and takes him to his mother. The grandma tells him to say what he had said to her in the kitchen.
"Look, momma! I'm a little white boy!"
The mom takes off her shoe, a...

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.

The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

Who won the cooking competition between the two Asians?

It was a Thai.

I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself.

Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?

According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking.

Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie.

May god bless German engineering, Italian cooking, and English humor.

And may god damn Italian engineering, English cooking, and German humor.