A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

I bought my girlfriend a book called 'Cheap and Easy Vegan Cooking'.

It's ideal for her because not only is she vegan...

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking

Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her daughter walks in. The daughter asks, “Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?”

Her mother replies, “I’ll show you”, and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the daughter says, “Someone’s at the door!”.

The mother laughs. “This is why people think we’re stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door.”

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

Rock music and Cooking

Did you know the rock band Aerosmith wrote a Chinese cookbook?


It's called Wok This Way

The Italian chef spent his whole life cooking before he pasta way...

He said it was worth every penne.

I like to put my heart and soul into my cooking

That's why it always comes out black

I just read my first cooking book!

It's about thyme.

I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

I once tried to teach cooking at a homeless shelter,

But it was difficult to get the attention of the entire state of California.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise

but the fire trucks ruined it.

A number is visiting a letter's house, where the letter is cooking a pi in the oven.

The number says "Decimal of that pi is so delicious. I wanna taste it so bad!"

The letter said "Alphabet you do."

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

I tried to make a good cooking joke

But I ran out of thyme

I'm really scared to tell my wife to clean up after cooking breakfast...

I've been walking on eggshells all day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tr...

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got drunk and told my arabic neighbor his cooking tasted like shit

I really falafel about it

What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting that darn wheelchair in the oven

*true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast

I guess the yolk's on me...

American intervention is kind of like my cooking...

It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend.

They are both cauldron

My neighbors have been cooking Crystal until an explosion destroyed their kitchen.

The really methed it up.

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle


*tips fedora*


Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband goes to an ENT doctor, fed up with his wife's hearing problem.

Husband: Doctor, I am frustrated with my wife's hearing or lack there of. It feels like I am talking to myself all the time. Please help.

Doctor: Where is your wife?

Husband: I called her many times, she didn't respond. I angrily left my home to meet you.

Doctor: Since she is no...

A blind man went to a restaurant.

“Menu sir?” asked the owner.



“I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order.”



The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.



The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath, “Yes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband walks in.

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

I went on a date with a dyslexic girl, and

she ended up cooking my sock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those cooking shows

Him: With all those cooking shows you've watched you would think that your cooking would be good

Her: With all the porn you've watched, you'd think that you would be good at fucking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

My brother asked if he could have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

Whenever asked about my culinary skills I always say I'm great at all kinds of cooking

Overcooking, undercooking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.