UPJOKE
roastgrillchefovenfrymakestewbraisecookeryovercookprecookparboilbakestovekitchen

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”

I nearly died

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

Who won the Asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai.

My ex's cooking was cold and bland.

Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two missionaries are sitting in a cannibal's cooking pot...

One says to the other "I don't know why you're looking so pleased with yourself, we're about to be eaten!"

The other replies "I've just pissed in his soup.".

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honey…you’d think from watching all those cooking shows you’d know how to cook.

Husband…you’d think from watching all that porn you’d know how to…..

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Why can't Harry potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

Cooking steak...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for t...

I love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food I'm preparing.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking...

...and asks for seconds.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

Thinking about starting a cooking website for chefs of all cuisines and ethnic tastes to show their skills.

Going to call it OnlyPans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

I started cooking spaghetti.

Just to pasta time.

A kleptomaniac signed up for a cooking class,

He wanted to take a whisk.

Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad cooking and sex

Husband: Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV.

Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a cooking show.

The host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings...


What the fuck is leftover beer?

Does anybody know where I can find a good family cooking book?

It's not easy shopping when you're a cannibal.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

My wife asked for some peace and quiet while cooking dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

I was cooking a meal for our guests and I told my wife to go in and prepare the table.

So she walked in and told them all about my cooking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

My Wife's cooking is so bad

If you left Dental Floss in the kitchen



The Roaches would hang themselves!

My wife doesn't realize I'm not complimenting her cooking

When I say "you remind me of Gordon Ramsay"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices that his wife’s hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.



“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and a...

"Do you know what is the difference between a toilet bowl and a cooking pan?"

"No, I don’t"

"Okay, then I certainty will not be going to eat at your place!"

My girlfriend said she’s not a fan of Pan-Asian cooking

I thought it was called a Wok

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

One day I was cooking some eggs and sausages for breakfast, and one of the sausages got burnt.

I'll never cook naked again.

What if Cinderella was a cooking slave instead of a cleaning slave..

.. and her name was Mozzerella

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man cooking stir-fry in a Japanese technology company?

Sony wok man.

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.

Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

I need some help with cooking....

Can anyone offer me some Sage advice?

3 housewifes got fed up of cooking

so the 3 wives ( a british , a french and a russian ) decided not to cook for 3 days

at the end of the three days, they met again

the british said " the first day I didn't see anything new, the second day he went to the kitchen and started cooking"

the french said " the first ...

I always make a mess when cooking rice on my stovetop.

It is a starch reminder.

A little girl turns to her mother and asks, "What is that rasta man cooking behind us?"

The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While cooking the Thanksgiving dinner, a fire broke out which burned Jill's right cheek.

In the hospital, the doctor said, "Harold, we cannot recover back your wife's cheek to its original condition but we can put new skin on it and it'll look just the same."

The thing was, the type of skin required to put over the burnt cheek was available only in Harold's buttocks. He complied,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I'm cooking, I always make sure to have vegetarian options...

They can make do or they can fuck off.

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife is watching a cooking show

The husband walks in and says "Why are you watching a cooking show? You don't even know how to cook!"

The wife replies, "Well you watch porn..."

Thanks to my neighbor's cooking, I'll never forget to eat dinner.

I've developed a Pavlovian response to their smoke detectors.

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

I once chased out a guy who was trying to steal meat cooking in one of the ovens

You meet a lot of strange people at the Morgue

I like cooking with my kids.

But sometimes I have to resort to chicken.

Why was the cooking joke not funny?

Because it didn't pan out

What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars?

Pal-poutine

.
.
.
.
.
Sorry, I'll get my coat.

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

Did you hear about the pasta and its cooking water?

Their relationship was strained.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.