This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the hypothetical official squash of incest porn?

Probably a pump kin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot.

I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"

He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CUCUMBER, gherkin, and cock

A CUCUMBER, gherkin, and cock are sitting around discussing how fucked their lives are.

“My life sucks,” said the cucumber. “When I get big and fat they cut me to pieces and chuck me in a salad.”

“That’s nothing,” said the gherkin. “When I get big and fat they squash me in a jar with t...

What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable?

SQUASH

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the squash farmer say to the produce thief at the farmers market?

You butternut steal my squash!

I like playing squash

The ants hate it.

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

What do you call a squashed bee?

A was.

What do you call a squash that can't get married?

Cant elope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going to eat a spaghetti squash...

But then I thought, "Nah, I butternut."

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?

“You are just jealous, because I can make your wife scream louder than you can”

Young Timmy asks his mother a question.

"Mummy?" begins Timmy

"Yes, Timmy?" she responds, a smile on her face.

"Why do you jump up and down on Daddy's tummy in bed at night?"

Slightly shocked, she held her composure. "Well, Timmy, it's because I'm pushing all of the air out of Daddy's tummy so that it doesn't look so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was sitting by an ant hill squashing every ant he could

A priest and a nun came upon Johnny doing this and asked Johnny to stop. Then asked why Johnny would do such a thing.

Johnny: These ants are useless, and I'm mashing them.

The nun and priest were appalled at his reply, "No, no! Nothing in God's beautiful creation is useless!"

Jo...

An ant walked up to me and told me a bad pun, so I squashed it.

Pun ant ended

What is the Hulk's favourite sport?

Squash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a BDSM-loving vegetable?

Butternut squash

I Squash soft drink cans for a living

It's soda pressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bought the Missus a Pug dog. Despite the squashed eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck.

The Pug seems to like her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down the street when he notices what looks like shit on the ground

He bends over and inspects the pile.

”It sure looks like shit” he thinks to himself.

He moves a bit closer to it a takes quick breath through his nose.

”It sure smells like shit”

He picks up a piece and squeezes it in his hand.

”It sure feels like shit”

He t...

Did you hear about the hunter who got squashed by the dying elephant?

He finally understood the gravity of his actions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally stepped on one of my friends squash. I feel so bad.

He told me not even ten minutes before hand that I'd butternut squash it.

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

I played squash against my son.

A wall might have been better.

I received a wedding invite soaked in squash today.

Turns out I had been cordially invited.

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

3 hookers are chatting in a bar

The first says "I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there." The second says "that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine." The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

What's the difference between squash and zucchini?

You can't zucchini bugs!

A family-friendly take on the age old "jam VS jelly" joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vegan thanksgiving

On thanksgiving, what did the vegan tell the child when they were about to stomp on a bug?

You butternut squash that!

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed

What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?

"Cum at me bro".



\-

Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?

He was a peeking duck



\-

What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?

"It's bananas"



\...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

Just as ordered

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.


"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.


"What do you mean?" barked the customer.


"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and...

What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden?

Squash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and are waiting to enter heaven

St. Peter approaches the group and says, "Well, Heaven is a little backed up right now, and only one of you can get in at the moment. I don't have my sheet with me, so you'll have to tell me how you died. Whichever one of you died the most painful death can get in first." St. Peter approaches the fi...

This one was from my daughter after dinner.

What did the linguini say to the spaghetti squash?


IMPASTA!

My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died...

She got squashed by a giant crab.

If we could make America communist for just a year

We could squash our obesity epidemic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franks Death

One day Frank a 80yr old marine veteran working construction with his super strong body gets a call while lifting cinder blocks.

Frank “Hello whose this?”

His neighbor “hey Frank it’s your neighbor and I have bad news for ya, your wife is having an affair I can see it all from my 2nd f...

The Space Cat

NASA had run out of monkeys to send to space so they decided to start recruiting cats. However most of the cats seemed more interested in the fabric on the walls than the training courses. But 1 cat stood above them all this one cat outshined all the monkeys that were sent to space so on the big day...

Yesterday I went into the woods to looks for sasquatchs but my Jean's were too tight

You have no idea how hard it is to sasquatch with you sack squashed

Why I Joined the Air Force

The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”
A sailor said, “I’d step on it.”
A soldier said, “I’d squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”
A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about little Johnny?

Little Johnny was in grade 2, one day after class he was sitting in the back yard playing with his dinky cars and his dad sitting on the deck watching. Little Johnny is playing a lot quietly when a butterfly floats infront of little Johnny and *THUNCK* Little Johnny smashes the butterfly. Dad comes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter

Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter.

First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soo...

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel...

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is...

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress...

having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands.

He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteri...

A young girl wanders into a section of beach designated for nudists only...

A man sees the young girl approaching him and quickly covers up his privates with a small towel. She asks the man what’s under his towel and he says that it’s his little birdie. She asks if she can play with his little bird but the man insists that it is sleeping. The girl keeps pleading with the ma...

Sarah is a girl who was born with no body. No arms, no legs, not even a torso. Nothing below her neck.

In a major medical accomplishment, doctors develop a set of very small devices to function as her internal organs and install them in her neck. These keep her fully functional with exception of being able to walk or manipulate objects as if she had arms or legs.

Once she is released from the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter explains to them that unfortunately Heaven is rather overcrowded at the moment, so they're only letting in people with the most horrific deaths. One by one he asks them each how they perished.

The first man: I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, and for s...

If there were two vegetarian rappers

Could they still have beef? Or would they squash it!

Little Johnny was sitting on the porch with his sister

He said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Little Johnny just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel.

What did the gourd say to the zucchini about their bad relations with a cow.

We gotta squash this beef.

A kid asked his mom : how did you make me ?

His mom said : one night i put little sugar under my pillow and in the morning you were by my side; The kid grabbed some sugar and put it under his pillow, he woke up in the morning and found an ant in his bed, "If you weren't my son, I swear i would've squashed you!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three mean have all died and arrive at the Pearly Gates all together.

They are greeted by a small ball of light that introduces itself as an angel, and lets them know that due to budget cuts, only one of them may be admitted. When amazingly, nobody questioned the idea of heavenly budget cuts, the angel continued. In order to decide who would ultimately get the spot, h...

Once, in a far away Amazonian tribe,

where all the houses were made of grass, the chief of the land wanted more splendour.

Fortunately, a large deposit of gold was found by his miners. The king ordered his subjects to make the gold into a massive throne, with inlaid jewels and a massive headrest.

The people laboured on fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Teacher in 3rd grade

My teacher, Ms. Dupree, would walk in the classroom with something behind her back and then would give clues as to what she was hiding and we would have to guess what it was. The first day she said "I have something round, red, and it has a green leaf on it." We said "Its an Apple!" She replied "No,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a bug on my cat today.

So I promptly plucked it from the fur and set it on the table to smash it.

But before I could kill the bastard it turned around, looked me in the eye and cried, "Please, don't! I've worked so hard in my life to finally make a living for myself! It can't end this way, this can't be the end, le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Food puns are no good

When scientists discovered a new plant, they were all like, "Rad!" But when they tasted it, it was just Rad-ish.
The other day my wife cooked up some green balls for me to eat, but I was all like "Bitch, Peas?"
The following day my wife made corn squashed into balls. When I tasted them, they w...

A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today.

Reports say he was squashed.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.