What do you call a squash that can't get married?

Cant elope

I like playing squash

The ants hate it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?

“You’re just jealous, because I can make your wife scream louder than you can.”

I Squash soft drink cans for a living

It's soda pressing

What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden?

Squash

I played squash against my son.

A wall might have been better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going to eat a spaghetti squash...

But then I thought, "Nah, I butternut."

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I accidentally stepped on one of my friends squash. I feel so bad.

He told me not even ten minutes before hand that I'd butternut squash it.

I received a wedding invite soaked in squash today.

Turns out I had been cordially invited.

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

What's the difference between squash and zucchini?

You can't zucchini bugs!

A family-friendly take on the age old "jam VS jelly" joke.

A couple go to the new farmers' market just outside of town

They walk past the various stands selling fresh produce, looking for things to take back home. They see gigantic, ripe watermelons on one table. Another holds plump, vibrant tomatoes. A dazzling array of berries fills baskets on another.

Finally, they see a table at the end of the market, whe...

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

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My dog's name is Butter. one day, I went outside and accidentally stepped on his testicles.

Anybody want some butter nut squash?

This one was from my daughter after dinner.

What did the linguini say to the spaghetti squash?


IMPASTA!

If we could make America communist for just a year

We could squash our obesity epidemic

One day in class Little Johnny irritatedly questioned the teacher......

One day in class the teacher brought a bag. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who pro...

Why I Joined the Air Force

The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”
A sailor said, “I’d step on it.”
A soldier said, “I’d squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”
A...

What's a vegetables favorite sport?

Squash

If there were two vegetarian rappers

Could they still have beef? Or would they squash it!

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel...

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is...

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress...

having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands.

He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteri...

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My Teacher in 3rd grade

My teacher, Ms. Dupree, would walk in the classroom with something behind her back and then would give clues as to what she was hiding and we would have to guess what it was. The first day she said "I have something round, red, and it has a green leaf on it." We said "Its an Apple!" She replied "No,...

What did the Zucchini say when it got stepped on?

*squash*

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