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It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

Three Guys Were Sleeping Together On A Single Bed

One on the left wakes up and says i had a dream i was getting a handjob from a hot blonde

The Guy on the right says that's weird i had a similar dream but the only difference is the girl giving me a handjob was a brunette

The one in the middle says well i had a dream where i was Skiing...

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

A guy dies, goes to the gates of heaven, and starts telling Saint Peter a joke.

8 hours later, Peter finally gets impatient, interrupts him and says, "We don't have forever, Norm."

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

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Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time, and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, ...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after h...

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

A cop stopped a guy for speeding…

Cop said: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

The guy replied: “I was trying to keep up with traffic”

The cop said: “But there is no traffic”

And the guy answered: “That’s how far behind I am”

A time sensitive joke for you guys tomorrow..

Knock Knock




Who’s there?



9/11



9/11 who?




You said you’d never forget.

A guy is talking to a barmaid with an exceptionally large chest...

After an awkward pause the barmaid says "Excuse me sir, my eyes are up here"

The man replies "When you've got something written on your t-shirt, people are going to read it."

The barmaid says "Yes, but you've been staring at my chest for the past minute, what's your problem?"

Th...

A guy walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full. He says, "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guys says, "No, help yourself." He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It's ...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

To the guy who invented zero

Thanks for nothing pal.

A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."

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A guy goes to a sex shop...

He ask the vendor:

The guy: p...p....please d.. d..do you have... v.. v...v...vibrator, I..i. have a.. a...question!

Sale guy: yes sir we do have those.

The guy: d...d..do you ha..ha...have any s...s...size?

Sale guy: yes we do have all sizes, which one you're looking for...

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

I read about a guy that blocked an entire river with nothing but legumes

Dam thats nuts

There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss would leave work a little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.

The first guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start the next day.

The second guy goes home and cooks dinner.

The third guy goes ...

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

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A Guy goes to the bar in the 100th floor

He orders a Beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off. A guy sitting in the bar sees this and wants to call 911 but the Guys comes out of the elevator. The guy is a bit confused but doesn't say anything. The other orders another beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off.

H...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, “So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?”

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The girl replies with “Oh, that’s cool.”
...

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A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they hav...

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."

The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"

"Start? Today's the last day."

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

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A guy halts his car near a prostitutes.

„How much for a blowjob“ he asks.
„50“ she answers.
„Great, hop in“ he says.

She gets in the car, takes the $50 and gets down on him. After she‘s done, the guy says „That was so hot, here‘s another $100 just for you.“ She‘s surprised but pleased. She takes the money and gets out of the ...

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

My friend found out that Albert Einstein was a real guy

He thought he was just a theoretical physicist

A guy picks up a girl

"Oi, put me down"

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barm...

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

To the guy who stole my antidepressants...

I hope you are happy now

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A guy dines alone…

A guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward...

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A guy goes to the doctor with bowel problems

"Doc. My butt just ain't right the past few days." he says.

"Alright," says the doctor.

"Pull your pants down and tell me where it's hurting exactly."

The guy does so, points and says,

"It's particularly painful near the entrance here."

The doctor is taken back and...

There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What do you call an Irish guy who sells lawn chairs?

Patty O'Furniture

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

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3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

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Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

"A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy te...

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys.
Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...

After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"

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Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fucking weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clink...

what is the similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist?

Both are allowed to smell but neither of them is allowed to eat.

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

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Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

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Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Three guys were sitting at a bar, having drinks and talking…

The first guy starts bragging and says, “I made love to my wife 4 times last night. She said in the morning that she loved each one more and more.”

The second guy chimes in and replies, “Oh, that’s nothing. I made love to my wife 8 times last night, and she told me in the morning that it’s t...

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost.?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have of you have spoken to a ghost.?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Abdul right at ...

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

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Guys wife goes to the doctor

So this guys wife goes to the doctor, a few days later he calls the house and the husband answers.

Doc: so the tests haven't come back yet but she definitely either has Alzheimer's or AIDS

Husband: holy shit doc, is there anything I can do?

Doc: yea drive her a few miles from ...

"Hey, aren't you that guy who gets mistaken for people?"

"No, you got the wrong person there mate."

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

A guy was smoking while saying prayers.

His shocked friend asked, "Tell me how did the priest allow you to smoke while praying when he refused to permit me."

"What did you ask?" enquired his friend.

"Can I smoke while I am praying?" replied his friend.

"No wonder he refused you because I asked the priest, 'Can I pray...

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

The guy who made autocorrect has died

Restoration in peace

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An Australian guy with an alligator walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bar, sets the alligator on the counter and asks for a free drink. Bartender tells him "Sorry, we don't do free drinks here." Aussie says "What if I showed you a trick? " Bartender tells him "It will need to be a really cool trick if you want to earn a free drink."

So, the Au...

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like a pound of kielbasa please.”

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, “You’re Polish, aren’t cha?”

The man looks surprised and says, “Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?”

The clerk replies, “It’s because this is a hardwar...

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

My chiropractor's a funny guy

He cracks me up all the time.

An American, a Dutchman and a Chinese guy

stranded on a deserted island after being shipwrecked. The American immediately takes charge and points to the Dutch: “You should take care of the wood to build a fire”. The Dutchman confirmes and disappears in the woods.

After that, he points to the Chinese: “you should take care of the supp...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"


The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."


The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."


The man asks "W...

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A guy goes to the doctor

He says, ”You got to help me, Doc! I have the song, “What’s New,Pussycat” stuck in my head. It just keeps going around and around. It’s driving me CRAZY!”

Doctor replies, “Hmmm, that sound like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that serious??”

“Well, it’s not unusual....

Two guys are sitting around drinking whiskey. One turns to the other and says "I like my whiskey without ice." His friend smiles and responds...

"I see what you did there! That's neat."

A guy meets a pretty hot women in her 50s

She starts chatting him up and then she says you want to have sportsmen double

He asks what is a sportsmen double

She tells him oh its a mother a daughter 3some

He thinks oh well she is hot bet her daughter is super hot

So they go home to her house and she goes Mom you ...

The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

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[NSFW] Did you hear about the guy who hired a.....

...... male prostitute to fuck him in the ear?

He got hearing AIDS

Did you guys hear about the horse that only ate hay from a church?

Apparently it could only be a Christian Bale.

All these Texas troubles reminds me of a joke. Two guys walking down a beach and find a magic lamp. Rub it and a Genie pops out. He says, "You get one wish each for me to grant!" First guy says ok I got it. TEXAS is the best state ever. I want....

You to build a huge massive wall around the border and make it so no one can come in or out and the world can not see in. Genie says ok wish granted and poof giant wall around Texas appears.

Second guy, thinks and thinks and goes ok. Genie I want you to fill Texas with water.

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

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Two frat guys are stranded in the middle of the ocean

Brad and Chad have been stuck in a lifeboat for weeks. They're out of water and supplies, and they're sure they're doomed.

They notice a sealed bottle bobbing toward their boat and scoop it out of the water. They open it up, and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me!" the genie s...

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Three guys have a dick measuring contest

The first guy: “I’m six inches”

Second guy: “that’s nothing, I’m a foot.”

Third guy: “I’m three inches….”

First guy: “dude that’s pathe-“

Third guy: “from the floor.”

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

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Did you guys hear about the new taliban inflatable sex dolls?

They blow themselves up!!!!

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Three guys are captured by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will be put to death and eaten, and their skins will be used to make canoes. But they can each choose their manner of death.

The first guy says he wants it to be quick and requests to be thrown off a cliff. So they tie him up and toss him off a cliff. The second g...

Three guys walk into a bar.

You think one of them would’ve seen it.

An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?"

The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

How do you know when someone’s a fun guy?

He’s loves bracken rules

A guy walks into a bar

Because he didn't look up from his damn phone

Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are…

The first man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria”

The second man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur”

The third man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there’s a sign o...

Guy: I'm hungover

Girl: Stop trying to flirt with me over the walkie-talkie, someone will hear. Over.

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A guy applies for their driving license

Before starting practicing, of course, they had to pass a theoretical test.

The teacher asks them: «You're on the road at night, and you see 2 lights. What is it?»

And the student answers: «It's a car».

The teacher says: «It narrows down too little. Is it a BMW? A Mercedes? A Fo...

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A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

How long did it take for the first guy to get covid?

He got it right off the bat

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

Guys, stop making jokes about Eminem and the candy M and M's

He's just a wrapper

A guy walks up to a musician...

"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.

"I only got a tenor on me."

a guy is talking to his firends

he says:

"why always a british person says the word british, it sounds like bri'ish"


a british man listens and responds:


"after the Boston incident we always hide our t's"

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A guy goes to the doctor because of blue balls.

He comes in to the doctors office and says

"Doctor! Doctor! One of my balls is completely blue! It doesn't hurt, but im really afraid"

The Doctor looks at the patients testicle and agrees that it doesn't look very good. The doctor decides to be on the safe side and removes the patien...

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Did you hear about about the army guy that got his dick blown off?

Just nuts now isn’t it.

A bar walks into a guy…

And says “Take that ya old trope!”

Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?

Yeah, neither did he

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and notices that the place is mostly empty. Except for one end of the bar, that is. And there he sees a group of women standing around. All kinds of women - beautiful women, plain-looking women, shapely, skinny, fat, short, tall, blondes, brunettes - just about everything. ...

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A Guy takes his best mate home one day after work.

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my night dress, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting m...

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Two guys are driving down a highway

The guy in the passenger seat asks the driver to pull over cuss he need to take a piss. They pull over and the guy gets out to take his piss. Suddenly the guy in the car hears a scream and runs over

Turns out his friend got bitten by a snake in the dick. The first guy calls his dad who is a ...

What’s an example of a palindrome?

Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?

Dad: Mom.

Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?

Mom: Dad.

Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME

What do guys on Reddit use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying on your doorstep?

An ambulance.

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A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night,,,,

..... Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window s...

I think hanging people is a poor choice of professions for an executioner. Better to be the guy with an axe.

Because, with the axe, it’s easier to get ahead...

What do they call a guy without a body and a nose?

Nobody Nose

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Guy goes for an interview.

Boss: so what is your biggest weakness.?

Guy: My honesty....

Boss: In my opinion that is not a weakness..

Guy: Who the fuck is asking for your opinion...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

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A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

No guy has ever looked at a girl and thought…

She would be so hot if her eyelashes were longer

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”


Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife w...

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

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Hal is telling the guys at the plant about the morons he saw this weekend.

"You wouldn't believe it," Hal said. "Four guys up at 5:30 on Saturday morning just swing at this little white ball try to get it in the hole."

"What kind of star-spangled moron gets up that early on a perfectly good Saturday morning just to play golf?"

One of the guys asks, "What we...

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of pap...

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

[nsfw] Three guys were hiking and took a short-cut across a farmer's field, where the found a pig stuck halfway through a fence.

"I wish that was my Nancy, my girl friend" said the guy from Florida.
" I wish that was my cousin Mary-Lou" said the guy from Georgia
"I wish it was dark out" said the guy from Alabama

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!

The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have...

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