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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Beethoven: ARE YOU GUYS PUMPED?

Crowd: YEAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Beethoven: I can’t hear you!

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting marri...

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.

Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”

Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

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A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark ...

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

Girls, if a guy...

* Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends

This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

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Guy walks into a bar

And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other

Bartender says "what's the occasion?"

Guy says " my first blowjob"

Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"

Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"

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Why are uncircumcised guys always horny?

Because the boys in the hood are always hard.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the wi...

A guy walks into a quiet bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the ba...

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A guy was walking to a bar...

And on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't ...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,

is it a speech impediment or an accent?

Two guys meet in heaven after their death. One asks the other:

\- "So, how did you die?"

\- "I died from cold. I got frozen" answers the other and asks "How about you? What happened to you?"

\- "I died from laughing too much" - answers the other.

The second guy gets confused and asks: "What do you mean? How could you die from laughing?"...

A guy goes to his doctor for elbow pain...

The doctor gives him a specimen cup and requests a urine sample. “But doc, I’ve got elbow pain, why do you need a urine sample?”
Doc assures him,”we have the latest in technology, just go to the men’s room and give me a sample”, which he does. The doctor pours it in the top of a complex analysis ...

A blind guy walks into a bar...

...and a table...and a chair...

A guy walks into a clinic with a bruised eye

Doctor : How did this happen?

Guy : I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" I should have probably ran.

What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer

The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” the bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating ...

Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs and in a pool?

Bob.

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Three drunk guys walk into a brothel...

The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were...

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There was a guy named Nobody, a guy named Mark and a girl named Stupid.

Stupid and Mark were dating. Nobody fell from the window while cleaning it so Mark called 911 and said: "Nobody fell out of the window!".

Operator: "Are you fucking Stupid?".

Mark: "No I fucked her yesterday".

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

Did you hear about the guy who fell down the stairs at the airport?

Damn near missed the whole flight

I was in the pub when a guy called me a cheapskate.

So I threw his drink in his face.

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These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."

So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their...

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A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

You guys hear about Amazon?

I hear it's pretty lit!

Did you hear about the Chinese guy who faked his own death?

Nobody bereaved him.

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking his balls.

Guy 1 says, "Boy I wish I could do that."
Guy 2 says, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head

. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.

Thanks for everything dad.

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'. ...

The guy who invented USB died...

At the funeral they had to do a 180 with his coffin to get it in the hole.

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun...

Is a good guy with a video game!

A guy walks into a bar....

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's ...

German guy walks into bar

A German guy and his beautiful date sit down at a bar

He asks the bartender for a couple of martinis

The bartender ask "Dry?"

The German replies, "Nein, zwei."

One day, a guy went into a store,

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.


The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. ...

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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the bee...

How do you apologize to guy having erectile dysfunction?

no hard feelings.

When the guy who invented the USB flash drive dies,

they are going to put his coffin in the ground, lift it back up and turn it over, then put it back into the ground.

A clown and another guy are walking through the forest at night.

The guy says to the clown "Man, this forest is really creepy at night". The clown says "No kidding, and I have to walk all the way back by myself."

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

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What do you call a guy who forgets things easily?

Oh fuck... how does the rest of this joke go?

UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.

He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.

After that the officer yells to the Amer...

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.

Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

A guy is talking to a girl

A guy is talking to a girl :

"Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place"

"Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?"

"No, I'm a dentist."

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

Did you hear about that guy who hated coal?

Never mined

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Guy walks up to his wife and tells her to say something that makes him both happy and sad.

She thought about it for a minute and replied, “out of all your friends you have the biggest dick”

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it's race-related.

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4. When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."

In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condom...

If you're chasing a guy in a turban

Are you playing hide and Sikh?

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

How many black guys does it take to fix a lightbulb?

I don’t know I couldn’t find them

How do you break up a fight between two blind guys?

Say the other has a knife

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

A one-eyed guy named Wazowski found a magic lamp

Genie: you have one wish

Wazowski: I want an extra eye

Genie: done

Wazowskii: but nothing happened

A guy at a bar goes up onto the stage at an open mic night.

“I had a Russian friend once...

And a— *taps * Check, one, two.”

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A guy I used to have a crush on (but got over a while ago) suddenly sent me a dick pic out of nowhere.

It was too little, too late.

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I know a guy who trained to be a vet and claims to have done extensive research on bovine faeces.

But I reckon that’s bullshit.

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

Yesterday I saw a guy drop all his scrabble letters on the road

I asked him what’s the word on the street

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

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A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)

He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before."
So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll...

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

I was going to give you guys an Asian joke....

But I know some of you would never reddit go.

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my...

Guys late for exam

2 guys drove an hour to a bar from their school at the eve of their exam.

However they got drunk at the bar and didn't drive back. By the time they reach the exam hall, the professor has collected all the papers.

Both guys explained to the professor how one of their car tyre went flat ...

Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

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A guy walks into a bar carrying 3 ducks......

He has one duck in his left hand, one in his right hand and one under his left arm. The bar is very empty and he is the only patron. He sits down sets his ducks on the bar and has a few drinks. The bartender doesn't say anything because he would rather a weird customer with ducks than no customers a...

Guys, wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank today, and if all goes well, I’ll be out of debt.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask!

I'm a very hairy guy, so...

...to me, the whole concept of manscaping is pretty nuts.

Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cen...

I met an Australian guy who works in IT.

I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

A worried guy asks his doctor: can I take a bath with diarrhea? The doc pausing for a moment answers: well, if you have enough

I heard this in Spanish a long time ago. Some editing from my part tho

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

Two guys walk into a bar

Third one ducks.

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

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Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

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What do you call a guy with eight dicks?

A cocktopus.

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Remember guys; if you are getting a blowjob in the car

A true Gentleman turns on the Dome Light

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the wood.

Boy "hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared"

Man "how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone"

My wife told me length doesn’t matter, but I caught her cheating on me with some guy named Pythagorus.

I knew the moment our paths crossed my life would take a different trajectory.

Just wasn’t expecting it to end in a love triangle. I guess I didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says:

"I'll take five beers"

After a soundcheck there’s always a guy in a tree in Mexico.

Juan, to tree! Juan, to tree!

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A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

You guys heard Trumps buying Greenland?

He's asking Mexico to pay for it.

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Guys I was gonna make a Braille joke but,

It’s a pretty touchy subject.

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Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

He calls his mate and explains what has happened, his mate says bummer mate, he replies fucking hell Bruce didn't think of that I owe you a beer.

A guy walks Into a bar and says....

And says "Give me a drink, before the trouble starts."

So the bartender gets him a drink.
He drinks it and says "another drink, before the trouble starts."
And so the Guy pounds that and says "one more, before the trouble starts..."

Bartender asks "when's this trouble gonna start...

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Guy walks into a bar

Sits down and asks the bartender for a rum and coke the bartender says ok and gives him an apple the man obviously confused looks at the bartender and says what the fuck is this I ordered a drink not an apple the bartender says just try it so he takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise it t...

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.

The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down. I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, plea...

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

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A reporter walks into a bar...

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Did you hear about the 2 guys who broke into a house and stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

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