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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

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What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
...

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

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I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...

They arrested me.

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...

He's a small arms dealer

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..

So I told him, “C4 yourself”

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My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

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A guy asks a woman "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes."

"Well would you do it for five dollars?"

"NO! What do you think I am?"

"We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

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2 guys are talking at a bar

one guy tells the other "unbelievable my 3rd wife died" the other guy says" what happened to the first one? "he says" she ate poisonous mushrooms" "and the second?" he replies "poisonous mushrooms" shocked the other guy says "and let me guess the third one ate some poisonous mushrooms" the other gu...

So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.

Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared"

Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

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So this guy walks into a library

He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed

At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises”

The librarian thinks for a second, then respon...

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch

The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.”
The guy looks around but there is no punch line

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

A guy tries to rob a bank

A guy walks into a sperm bank with a mask and a gun and shouts "Everyone on the floor, now! Anyone who moves gets shot full of lead!"

He walks to the terrified receptionist and tells her to fill a bag with all the money they got.

"Buy sir," she says, "this is a sperm bank. We don't kee...

There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town

They are most likely going to face time

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

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A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange.

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes,
"OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks fo...

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting

We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife."
They both ran

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A guy is madly in love with his GF (long)

A guy is madly in love with his girlfriend. He decides to tattoo her name, Wendy, on his penis. When it is not erected, all you can see is W and Y. The first and last letters of her name.

When the guy went to the public restrooms he saw this huge black guy using the urinal next to him. Curiou...

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Discount."


The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

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My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she's always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me...

but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater

I thought it was a nice jester

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

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So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.

And they got to a secluded place and she ...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

Guys, I am diagnosed with multi personality disorder!

Hahaha, me too

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke." So the guy says, "A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke." So the guy says, "A guy walks into a bar and ask...

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

I am a mean guy.

It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

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Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without mak...

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A guy was having sex with a girl against a 1963 Corvette Stingray, but he couldn't finish

Those are hard to come by

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

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So a girl browses for guys to date on a website

She demands three things: that he must never hurt her, that he will never run away, and that he must be very good in bed.

A while later, her doorbell rings and she answers the door. To her surprise, it was a man with no arms, no legs, just like Nick Vujicic.

He introduces himself: "Hi,...

Girls, beware of fats guys

They just want to get into your pantries

My Girlfriend said she wanted to try “Five Guys”

I thought she was talking about Burgers

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An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says,
"Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die
kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm
geschissen," which means, 'Don't
drink the water, the cows and the
pigs shit in it'


The guy shouts back, "I'm a Trump
supporter, and this is America. I
don't understand your gibberi...

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

Guy turns in his time-card at work showing he worked 25 hours on Wednesday.

Boss: How could you work 25 hours on Wednesday when there are only 24 hours in a single day?

Guy: I skipped lunch.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay back his exorcism loan

He got repossessed

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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"

Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!

He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'l...

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

I feel bad for the guy with a stutter who died in prison...

He didn’t even finish his sentence

A Black guy, a Mexican guy, a White guy, and an Asian guy walk into a bar.

They sit down and have a drink because we live in a more tolerant age.

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A black guy walks into an elevator.

A skinny white guy enters a elevator. He presses floor No.4, and waits for him to arrive. The elevator stops at floor No.2, and a huge, muscular black guy comes in and stands in front of him. The white guy stares him down. The black guy, already knowing what he would ask, says "6'9, 250lbs, 20 inch ...

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Guy comes home from his job at the pickle factory

He says to his wife “i need to talk to you about something that happened at work”
Wife - “ok, what’s up?”
Husband - “well lately at work I’ve been having this compulsion, an almost uncontrollable need to put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
Wife - “ My god! Are you crazy? Don’t do it!”
H...

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

A guy went into a restaurant...

When the waitress walked up he asked, “Can I ask you about the menu please?”

The waitress angrily replied, “The men I please are none of your business!

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A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a scotch, he takes a few sips and notices a jar filled with 20 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, " what's with the jar?" The bartender replies, "you put in a 20 to enter, if you complete the 3 challenges I give you, you get all the money in the jar." The guy...

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

Guys I just beat Cancer!

I really need a better nickname for my kids.

Beethoven: ARE YOU GUYS PUMPED?

Crowd: YEAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Beethoven: I can’t hear you!

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Guy goes on a tour at a condom factory.

He is amazed at how the latex is poured into a mold and cooled. Thousands of condoms are being made every minute! But he starts to notice that every 20th condom gets punctured. He asks the guide about it. Guide replies: “we also own a baby bottle company.”

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

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Did you hear about the guy who died from a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close the casket.

A red guy lives in the red house. A green guy lives in the green house. A blue guy lives in the blue house. A gray guy lives in the gray house. Who lives in the white house?

An orange guy

A guy wakes up in a hospital...

He asks why he can't feel his legs.
The doctor responds "That's because we amputated your arms!"

(Not very good joke, sry)

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I hate guys who can suck their own dicks

They’re just so full of themselves

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

Saw a guy in an AA van crying his eyes out today

I thought, he’s having a breakdown

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What do you call a white guy with a big dick?

Michael Jackson

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A guy was walking to a bar

and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex.

Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the positions they fucked in.

Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies <...

Why did the guy hate his job at the can crushing factory?

It was soda pressing.

Went to buy a Xmas tree today, got chatting to the guy behind the counter, asked if I was going to put it up myself

I have to admit, I’ve tried a lot of things but that sounds particularly painful

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

"The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more p...

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So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."

The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."

The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."

So the next morning all three o...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

Did y’all hear about the guy who shot himself in Walmart in Black Friday?

They’re calling it a self-checkout

Did you hear about the guy that had his entire left side cut off

Don’t worry, he’s all right now

To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office License.

Im gonna find you. You have my Word.

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

3 guys fall asleep in a barn

.And when they woke up in the morning, the guy on the right says " I just had the best dream last night, I dreamt I was being given a handjob!"

The guy on the left then said "really? I also dreamed I was being given a handjob!"

The guy who slept on the middle then says I dreamt that I ...

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

I asked an EOD guy about the stress of bomb defusing.

He shrugged and said: "Its not. I'm either right or suddenly its not my problem any more."

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at l...

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

There’s some guy at my school who is extremely lazy and wants everybody else to do things for him.

Apparently he calls himself “quadriplegic” or something

You hear about the guy who got stabbed at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones show?

Doctors say he’ll make a full recovery, but the wound will definitely leave a ska

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting marri...

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So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it.

The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says,

“HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!”

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I was sitting at a bar beside this old guy..

After a few drinks the old guy leans over to me and says,"I fucked your mother"

I ignored him

A couple more drinks he leans back over and says, " Your mother blew me"

I kept my cool and ignored him again

A couple more drinks and he leans over and says, " I fucked your mo...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."

The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money"

The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out.

The next day the same guy wal...

A guy tells me that black holes aren't frightening

But I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation here.

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Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?

Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match?

Tell him you're going to a women's singles event.

Don't ever hit a guy with glasses

Your fists can hit harder

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

A guy's with a girl on their first date.





He tells her “I work with animals every day!”

She replies “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He responds “I’m a butcher.”

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

Three guys walk into a bar

The fourth one ducks

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA.

Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.”

Receptionist says, “sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we’ll get the process started.”

Guy says, “well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.”
...

Two guys at a park see a dog licking its own junk.

One man turns the other end says, "I wish I could do that."

The other replies, "Dude, that dog would bite you."

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What do you call a guy who jerks off with both hands?

Ambidickstrous

A guy takes a girl home

Once there, she takes off her clothes, throws herself on the bed and yells:

\- Come! Make me feel like a woman!

He stares, takes off his clothes, throws them on the bed and says:

\- Wash them

Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

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A guy walks into a store with his dog.

The manager sees him and says, "Hey, you can't have your dog here, you have to leave!"

The guy replies, "Oh, don't worry, this is a talking dog, watch. Hey Rusty, how does sandpaper feel?" The dog says, "ruff!". Still, the owner kicks them out.

On the walk back, the dog says, "Fuck, I ...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

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A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they bothcollapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl no...

Tell me your best "guy with no arms and no legs" joke.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in a pile of leafs?

Russel!

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Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

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A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by...

He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?"
Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees.

The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen....

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

An American, a Dane, a Chinese guy, and a Brit walk into a bar.

The Brit looks over to the Chinese and the American and says "Ha, get a load of this. The dane is complaining about getting 5 less minutes for lunch. I eat at my desk."

The American and the Chinese say "...You get to **EAT**?!"

The dane then says, "What's more, our job security is get...

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A drunk guy walks into a bar...

and says, "I'll have a shot of Wild Turkey, please." The bartender says, "I'm not going to serve you, because I think you're intoxicated." The guy says, "I just want one, man. And then I'm going straight home." So the bartender says, "All right, you can have one" and gives the guy his shot.

...

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