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Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.

Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

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A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

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Did you guys know too much sex can cause memory loss?

I learnt that in a medical journal, page 34. At 3:38pm on Thursday the 7th.

A guy asked a girl in a university library:

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the ...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, ...

I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium.

He was clearly just taking a political stand.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A l...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

A guy yells to an old man across the river, “Hey, how do you get to the other side of this river?”

The old man yells back, “You *ARE* on the other side!”

To the Guy who Invented 0

Thanks for nothing.

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Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?

It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

To the guy in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket,

You can hide,
But you can’t run.

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Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

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I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,0...

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Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understa...

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A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

A guy told me there's not a single word in English that can be typed using the upper row of keyboard.

True

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Three guys are drinking at a bar

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and ...

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

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Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

I over heard some guy bragging about his Mustang doing 0-90 in 2.5 seconds

I confronted him and asked that's gotta be in Kilometers or something. He replied no, in Decibels

A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman...

"What's goin on?" asks the barman. The guy replies, "Just had my first blow-job today"
"Well done" says the barman, "Celebrating?"
"Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"

What do you call an autistic guy in the army?

Special Forces

(my friend said this, i dont know if this is a repost)

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A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive. “Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”

The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.

Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.

“What the hell is this??”

“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

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[long] So this guy is working at his jewelry store when a little guy walks in with a stunning, beautiful girl

The jeweler helps the odd couple and keeps showing them all kinds of jewelry. It's the first time he sees this guy, so he pushes the typical, "most affordable" stuff, but the guy doesn't seem to concerned about the prices so he continues showing them even more expensive stuff.

After almost a...

A guy walks into a hindu bakery...

The guy said, "tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday, but I'm a bit short on cash, what's your cheapest cake?"

Baker responded, "come back tomorrow, and I'll have one ready for you at no cost."

Skeptical, the guy almost didn't return. But the next day he was passing by and walked in. T...

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Did you hear about the guy who had too much phone sex?

He's got Hearing AIDS.

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A guy goes up to the bartender and bets him $50 he can pee in a beer glass from all the way across the bar...

... without getting a SINGLE drop on the bar. The bartender thinks it’s impossible so he takes the bet.

The guy places the glass at one end of the bar & stands at the other. He unzips and starts a’pissin. And it goes AAAAALL over the place, not a single drop even coming close to the glas...

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"I was a complete idiot when I married her," the guy laments to the bartender. "Probably," the bartender agrees. "But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn't notice right off."

Guy walks into a bar.

Guy walk into a bar and orders a pint, bartender pours pint and gives to said customer.
The man proceeds to drink the beer as fast as possible. This happens three more times, and the bartender ask everything okay? The guy replied you’ll drink like this if you had what I have!
Bartender what do...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

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Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW]

St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”

I did it guys, I asked out my crush and she said yes!

Unfortunately my wife got really angry and left me.

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad” And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

Anyone know how to diagnose a guy with erectile disfunction? Anyone?

Come on guys, it's really not that hard

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Guys don’t think about sex every 7 seconds.

We think about it every 6.9 seconds.

did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?

neither did he.

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A guy goes to jail for the first time.

When he gets to his cell, his cell mate from the top bunk stops him and says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you come in here, we have to decide who’s the husband and who’s the wife”

The new guy pauses and says, “Uh...I guess I’ll be the husband.”

The cell mate responds, “All right then...

The perfect guy

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Graham!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Graham Barnes. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, ...

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

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I knew a transsexual guy…

…whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

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A man goes into a street of Moscow and yells: "I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader".

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him. Later he brings the man to Stalin. The soldier explained to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man: "Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the street?" The man says: "I was thinking about Hitler of course". Stalin lets the man go but st...

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

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A guy comes to the doctors office and says

G: “Doctor, when I touch my head, it hurts”
Doctor checks out his head, makes scans of his brain, takes his blood test. Nothing comes out, the guy is perfectly fine

The guy says
G: “But it still hurts when I touch it!”


Doctor: “Touch your chest, does it hurt?”


G: “...

A guy comes hime with a bouquet of flowers for his wife

"I guess I'll have to spread my legs now" she says

Confused he asks "why? Don't you have a vase?"

I'm not rich but yesterday i donated my Phone, Wallet, and my watch to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness that i felt as i saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scarabble letters on the road.

I asked him "what's the word on the street?"

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

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Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

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Guy painted glitter on his balls

Pretty nuts!

A guy found this pig on the side of the road...

Not knowing what to do with it, he brought it over to the police station to ask what he should do with it. The policeman tells him to take the pig to the zoo.
A couple weeks later the same police officer was on highway patrol and he sees the guy in his driving in his convertible with the pig loun...

The same guy walks into a bar, orders three beers, sits down and drinks his beers, before leaving quietly... This happens every day for months

One day when the man walks in and orders his three beers, a bartender decides to ask the man "Wouldn't you rather have your beers one by one to keep the other two cold? To which the man answers "No. I'm ordering three beers because I have two brothers and this way it feels like we're drinking togeth...

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What do you call a black guy in space?

An astronaut, dipshit.

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3 guys are hanging out

Friend 1: My wifes so stupid she spent $12,000 on a kitchen and she cant even cook

Friend 2:My wife's so stupid she spent $40,000 on a car and she cant even drive

Friend 3: My wife's so stupid she took 100 condoms on a business trip but she doesn't even have a dick

Did you hear about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?

He lived . In fact he 0k now.

Did you hear about the guy with erectile dysfunction who was aroused by tastes and smells?

It took a while, but he finally came to his senses.

This guy goes to the doctor...

So, this guy goes to the doctor because he's not feeling well.

The doctor asks him "What's wrong?"

The guy says "I've got this splitting headache and it feels like there's a knife in my guts. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor replies "I don't know. My guess it's something t...

Guy: I have bad news...

Girl: Me too...Mike cheated on me...

Guy: I have good news!

Girl: huh?

Guy: I accidentally hit him on my way to work today

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I had a disagreement with my septic service guy today...

He said he wasn't going to take my shit.

What do you call a guy that's mad about his feet getting run over?

Lack-toes intolerant

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

Three rich guys bury a friend

First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".

Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.

All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin a...

Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?

It’s a sore subject

Did you guys hear about the lady who put Gorilla Glue in her hair?

She asked for a refund, but they won't give her silverback.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost.?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have of you have spoken to a ghost.?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Abdul right at ...

This guy was claiming that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

A guy wants a divorce.

He tells the judge, “I just can’t take it anymore. Every night she’s out until way after midnight, going from bar to bar.”

The judge asks, “What’s she doing?”

The guy answers, “Looking for me.”

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular lady at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.

This guy born in the 50's called me to ask me the name of that toy that's supposed to come back to you

The boomer rang

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A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

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Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.

It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

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There was a guy leaving Las Vegas and needed a taxi ride to the airport..

There was a line of taxis outside the casino, waiting for customers. Unfortunately for the man he lost all of his money gambling. He approached the first taxi, he asked the fella for a ride and promised him to pay him $5,000 the next time he visited Vegas (since he usually wins big when he is there)...

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

the driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine,turn it off again and said "We reached your destination" The first guy gave
him money,the second guy said "thank you" then gave him money too,while the third guy slapped the taxi driver,the driver was shocked thinking the third guy kne...

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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy...

I told her I was more into anal and feet. Now I’m banned from KFC.

Two Chinese guys break into a distillery.

One turns and says to the other,

"Is this Whiskey?"

The other one says "Yes, but not

as Whiskey as wobbing a bank,!!

What did the doctor say to the guy who couldn't seem to stop drinking his own pee?

Urine addict

Two guys were on a golf course playing a couple rounds when one turns to the other and says "Hey man, do you have a lighter?" the other guy opens up a compartment on his golf bag and says "Yeah, here you go." and hands the first guy this giant lighter.

The first guy says "Man that's a huge lighter, where'd you get this?" the other guy says "Oh, well, there's this genie lamp I found, rubbed it, genie came out, and said he'd grant me one wish." The first guy says "Wow, that's crazy, do you still have the lamp?" The other guy opens up another compart...

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You guys hear that Lorena Bobbitt got into a car accident yesterday?

Some dick cut her off.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

Constable: I saw a guy driving a Charger, a Challenger, and a Viper in the same day

Sergeant: Hmm, seems a bit dodgy

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

A guy asked a waiter "How do you prepare the lobster?"

and the waiter said, "We just flat out tell them that this is the end of the line."

I was known as the cool guy until I started bringing drinks and food to parties.

Now I'm the cooler guy.

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Did you guys hear the latest rumor on butter?

Well.......... I’m not gonna be the one who spreads it!

Did you guys hear about the italian cook ?

He pasta-way

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

Hey guys, I got a date!

They were a hot single in my area, too! I'm lucky!

You know what they say about a guy with a big boat...

Big dock.

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Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're jus...

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants

The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.

At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive

At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time

At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1...

I got in a fight with a guy in a wheel chair the other day

He won't be walking for weeks

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A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist shows him an ink blot picture and asks him to say the first thing that he thinks of, to which he replies, "Sex." He shows him another and again he replies, "Sex." This continues through the whole set and every time he replies, "Sex." The psychiatrist is dismayed by this and tells th...

In Prison Why is The White Guy Scarier Than The Black Guy?

Because the White Guy did it

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language.

We call him the Village Idiom.

Did you guys hear about the cheese shop explosion in France?

Da bries went *everywhere*

Two guys who just met at a training class are driving through the city looking for a place to have lunch.

The guy driving is running every red light. The other guy is starting to freak out and says, "Dude?! What the hell are you doing going through those red lights??" The guy driving says, "Its okay, my brother in law does it all the time." The passenger says, "Well its not okay with me, let me out up h...

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So this guy named dave...

Goes to his boss and says "Everyone in the world knows me." The boss says " Ok then lets see Tom Cruise." So they fly to LA go to Tom Cruise's mansion and knock on the door and Tom Cruise opens the door and says "Dave come on in and have a beer." The boss still doesn't believe Dave so he says "Let's...

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Four guys are hanging out

One of them says, “Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?”

Larry says, “I hope it’s chuck because he’s really cute.”

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar...

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

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A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having sex 3 times a week.

The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.

The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say ...

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

What did the schizophrenic guy say to his ex?

I’m seeing someone.

I saw a guy in in the bus with 8 kids.

I asked him if he was babysitting for someone or worked as a preschool teacher or something?

He said, "I work for a condom company, and these are customer complains"

Did you hear about the 2 guys who tried to steal a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

“Nice guys finish last” is a good thing.

Women hate it when the guy finishes first.

Two guys are waiting in the unemployment line.

Two guys waiting in the unemployment line worked side by side in the factory for 17 years before it closed down.

First guy up to the window doesn’t speak good English.

The Clerk asks, “What was your occupation?”

Man: “Dieselfitter”

Clerk: (looks in book) “ok that’s $795...

ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees.

Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

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