UPJOKE
cookroaststir frygrillcookingbakestewskilletshaverkidtykeminoryoungsterchildelectrocute

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

Did you know that the first french fry wasn't cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

My wife gave out to me this morning, because our fridge was full of stir fry.

Oh god I must have being sleep wokking again.

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

I just caught my idiot husband trying to fry some sticks

He didn't know it was a non-stick pan

Cute electronic frying pan?

Ewok

There were 2 sausages in a frying pan.

One sausage says to the other damn it's hot in here! The other sausage says WTF a talking sausage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

I needed to buy a new pan to stir fry a large meal

I decided to go for a wok.

What do you call a zombie making stir-fry?

Dead man woking

Stephen Fry once told this joke on "QI"

There is a story about the Bloomsbury Group writer Lytton Strachey who was a 'confirmed bachelor', as they used to put it. He was also a conscientious objector and a pacifist. He appeared before the conscientious objection board. It was their job to quiz him on whether he actually was a true pa...

[warning dad joke warning]I visited a monastery and as I walked by the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him “are you the friar?”

He replied”no I’m the chip monk”

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

What is it called when someone steals a large frying pan from a smaller classmate?

Taking a long wok off a short peer.

Two city kids take a road trip

Two city kids are taking a road trip deep into the countryside. After a long day of driving, they manage to find a diner, way out in the farmland, and decide to get dinner.

To their amazement, the restaurant is run entirely by cattle. The fry cook is a longhorn. A Holstein takes their order ...

I heard the ladies really like a good stir fry.

You can tell by the way I use my wok, I'm a woman's man.

With McDonalds closing all around Russia I guess that means it is a..

..no fry zone.

(Credit to my dad for the joke)

The Library

This is one of my favorite jokes that NOBODY ever thinks is funny. It is funnier when spoken, but since I have no friends, Reddit will have to do.

Here it goes:

A guy walks into a library. He strolls up to the counter and looks at the librarian dead in the eyes and screams “MA’AM I’LL ...

How do you know if someone owns an air fryer?

Trust me they'll tell you.

(Yes I have one)

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

What did the egg say to the frying pan

Yolkgottabekiddingme!!

What Did Heracles Fry Food In?

Ancient Grease.

Why did the fry cook go to jail?

He battered his wife.

A French fry walks into a bar

\- Can I see the menu, please?

\- I'm sorry, but we don't serve food.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man cooking stir-fry in a Japanese technology company?

Sony wok man.

How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan?

Take away their little brooms.

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

How does Walter White make a stir fry?

With Ricin

You fry fries...

But you should never cook cooks.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay....

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

I tried to deep fry my turkey this year but it went horribly wrong

Boom. Roasted.

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

What's it called when you fry up an egg with a bunch of different ingredients?

Omelette you figure it out

Brain cells fry at how many degrees?

Just 1: your college degree.

What did the egg say to the frying pan?

I’m sorry I can’t get hard... I just got laid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis... ...and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor, shocked: "You're in the wrong cabinet, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month..."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupts the doctor.

"..and we play this reaction game called "Oof!" when we all whip out dicks and put them on a round table, music pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you grind up Kim Jung Un's junk, mix in some shredded potatoes, ball them up and deep fry them?

dicktator tots

Why did the cook fry the shrimp?

because it was throwing a tempura tantrum.

Stephen Fry broke a world record when he read the entire Harry Potter series live on BBC Radio 4.

Listeners were disappointed that he didn't read it out loud...

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