Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...

My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint

He’s now high on my list of priorities.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and th...

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Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

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Rolled a joint* today and hadda drag...*

*my ankle

*...my ass to the ER.

On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One Beer Led To Another, And Soon A Cop Came In And Said, "Is That Your Dog Outside?" "Sure Is," Said The Redneck. "Well, I Want You To Know She's In Heat," Said The Cop.. "No she ain't. I tied her in the shade." "No, no! I mean she needs to be bred." "That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread...

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards….

The steaks were pretty high.

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

When Fred Flintstone and Anni-Frid smoke a joint made with cannabis and dung beans...

It's called an ABBA-Dabba-Doo!

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

What happens when a lighter smokes the joint instead of burning it?

Lighter becomes a highlighter.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

Some people say I roll the best joints in the world

It's a doobious honour.

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A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree..

..a lizard comes by and asks: "monkey why are your eyes so red?", monkey replies: "i'm smoking a joint, do you want some?". Confused lizard asks: "i don't know, what's a joint?" Monkey says to him to come up to tree and he'll show him. After two joints they are both waisted and the lizard complains ...

I rolled my first joint last night!

Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Every morning, my roommate wakes up, smokes a joint, and then throws it at me.

I’m suffering from blunt force trauma.

A monkey and a chameleon are smoking a joint in a tree

The chameleon says to the monkey “man I’m thirsty” to which the monkey replies “go down to the river and get a drink of water”.

So the chameleon crawls down the tree and wobbles over to the river bank. He leans down to take a sip and falls in.

As soon as he does, an alligator scoops ...

A rapper opened a burger joint in the Czech Republic

Now he boasts about how he makes fat Czechs.

Cowboys don’t roll joints

They tumble weed

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees

We are a joint family

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

What do you tell a grandma who's joints are getting weaker?

Tell her to roll them tighter!

They named a chicken joint “Popeye’s...”

...because they stick it in Olive Oil.

What did the egg say after smoking a joint?

Omlit

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What do you get at the end of a joint of dick weed?

Cock roach.

A burglar breaks into a joint

While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly ...

So there’s these three Catholic priests go fishing at the local lake for the day

While their there, they notice that the fish aren’t biting. They’re bored out of their minds until one of them says something about it.

The first priest mentions that “We always give confession amungst others, but we never have the opportunity to give it amungst ourselves.”

The other t...

An old man visited a doctor

"What's the problem sir?" asked the doctor. He replied "It's my joints".
Do they hurt??. " No, I suck at rolling them "

Went to a burger joint a while ago

My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, "I guess that's why they call them sliders."

NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

The joint won't get passed around the entire show.

What do Canadians call the joints in their fingers?

Canuckles, eh!

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .

He enquired, " With whom?"

I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

Name’s Juan

Names Juan. A few years ago I’d been living with my girlfriend in her apartment. I’ve been into video games since I was a kid and never took a real interest in learning practical things like how to hit a nail with a hammer. Girlfriend and I met in college and since graduating and moving in together ...

Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force...

...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.

A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"

The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your c...

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

With only one paper left, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to roll a cigarette or a joint

In the end I decided to spliff the difference

Gotta take the local brothel to court. They said their employees would do *anything* for a hundred each, so I hired the whole joint.

Not a single log got chopped up, despite clear instructions.

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

I dont always roll a joint...

But when I do, its my ankle

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

If you have joint pain

You're probably holding it by the wrong end.

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Norm MacDonald dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.

"Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?"

"Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint."

Norm looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure sky.

Satan says, "Not bad ri...

Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…

While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.

When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!

“What’s wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME?” I protested. “I didn’t even do anything...

What does a hipster pizza joint in a gentrifying neighborhood and a Mohle have in common?

Getting rid of the hood, one slice at a time.

What was the number 1 reason for requesting medical marijuana?

'I need it for my joints!'

Roll, roll, roll your joint, twist it at the end

Spark it up, take a drag and pass it to... myself I guess. Sorry, social distancing and all, roll your own.

My friend rolled me a fat joint

He called it his American joint.

John rolls out of his room into the apartment,

John rolls out of his room into the apartment, looking like some misshapen ball. His roommate Ron, horrified, asks what happened.

“Oh nothing major, I just found a genie and told him I could use a joint, looks like he misinterpreted and turned me into a human knee,” said John.

“A kn...

My favorite Louis Armstrong story.

Pops (and his wife at the time) were on a jazz ambassador world tour, and made a stop in Rome. An audience was arranged with the Pope.

As was his frequent wont, Louis smoked a joint in the limo on the way.

He and Mrs Armstrong met the Pope, pleasantries were exchanged, and through an...

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A man is trying to decide which woman to marry...

He is picking out of three women. In order to test which one he should marry he gave each one of them $5000 to see what they would do.

The first woman spends her money on new clothes, lingerie, and a total makeover. She tells him she did it because she loves him so much and wants to look gre...

Two guys lighting up a joint.

After an hour the one is high and the other feels like a seven.

Why?

>!Because the one feels numb and the other feels number.!<

There was also another guy with them who smoked way more that day. >!He felt like an eight. You could say he felt even number.!<

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

What’s Seth Rogen’s most feared disease?

Arthritis. He really worries about his joints

The janitor just asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with him.

I declined. I can't deal with high maintenance people.

Did you hear Snoop Dogg got Rheumatoid Arthritis?

His joints were inflamed

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

A woman in her 90s told another "My joints are weak".

The later replied "That's because you are not rolling them tight enough honey".

For the past 10 Christmases and birthdays my wife has given me the same card and then said “I don’t think it’s working anymore”.

The card is always the joint account Visa.

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Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

In 100,000 BC, a man woke up, passed a joint to his wife

...and thus started the stone age!

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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year Party this weekend

They're calling it Chinese Burns Night.

I wasn't going to go but they twisted my arm.

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The Mistress

>A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husba...

Why did the old car have squeaky joints?

It had carthritis.

I was smoking a joint the other day...

A sparrow came up, and asked for a hit, so I handed it to him. Pretty soon an eagle came up, and wanted to smoke too. I had a clever idea... I took the joint, put it out, cut a notch in the center, and lit the center. Now, the eagle and the sparrow could smoke at the same time, one from each end....

Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project......

...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus.

They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.

The other day my daughter asked me what it was like living in the '60s.

I took a hit off my joint and said "Huh?"

What do stoners and arthritis have in common??

They both inflame joints.

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

My Uncle says that if you do something you love then you'll never work a day in your life

as he rolled yet another joint.

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

Got stiff joints?

I recommend new rolling papers.

What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint?

Five Guys.

I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans

But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint...

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard crawls up the branch to the money and asks "What are you doing?" The monkey responds, "Smoking a joint. Want a hit?"

The lizard takes a long drag and after a minute says "I'm so thirsty, I need to take a drink from the nearby lake." The li...

If A Pothead Has 13 Joints

That makes it a baker's dozen.

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super sex".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

3 engineering students

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The ...

Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

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Woke up this morning and rolled a joint

Shame it was my ankle and now I can’t fucking walk

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Which fast food joint would you like to see in space?

Personally, I'd love to see Five Guys on Uranus

2 people dislocated my toe earlier

It was a joint effort.

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