A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

The...

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

What do you call when you give a joint to a cow?

The steaks have never been higher.

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A fox is trying to relax on his day off and decides to smoke a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker

so I told her to roll them tighter.

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project......

...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus.

They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

What do you call an Egyptian joint doctor?

a Cairo-practor.

Just been fined £500 for having a joint in my greenhouse.

I guess people in glass houses shouldn’t get stoned.

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super sex".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

I just dropped the joint I was rolling

It really doobie like that sometimes.

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

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Life Alert and Viagra launch a joint marketing campaign

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get it up!"

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The secret to a long life

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a shriveled, stooped old lady. She was sitting on her front step, contentedly smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

She said, "I smoke ten cigars a day. Be...

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

Why do pirates have sore joints?

Because they get arrrrrrrthritis

One day at my house I heard my mum scream...

I went into the room and said "whats happened", she points at this tiny spider and says "take that god damn spider out". So I did...... we went to a bar, a pub and smoked a joint. Nice guy actually he has 2 kids and a wife.... oh yeah he works as web developer too!

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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do

It's my ankle

Yesterday I smoked a joint and worked on my savings..

I guess you could say I work in high financing.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint...

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard crawls up the branch to the money and asks "What are you doing?" The monkey responds, "Smoking a joint. Want a hit?"

The lizard takes a long drag and after a minute says "I'm so thirsty, I need to take a drink from the nearby lake." The li...

If A Pothead Has 13 Joints

That makes it a baker's dozen.

What do you call a joint in Geneva?

A Swiss Roll

A regular guy walks into a really tall BBQ joint

The steaks were high

Row row row your boat

Roll roll roll your joint. Twist it at the end. Take a puff and that's enough. Now pass it to a friend.

I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

I was banned from being a Scout leader after a baking mishap on a joint group weekend camping trip.

I fudged a Brownie.

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

What do you call a team of DEA or Police who raids a marijuana grow-house?

A Joint Task Force

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Woke up this morning and rolled a joint

Shame it was my ankle and now I can’t fucking walk

I always thought it was interesting how double jointed kids were always really cool in elementary school...

I mean weird flex, but ok.

What do you call a married couple who both work in a dispensary?

A joint-income household

How good do you think Jesus would be at rolling a cross joint?

He’d nail it

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint...

He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Last he order...

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

Two priests decided to open a fast food joint.

The first became a fish friar, while the other became a chip monk.

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

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Which fast food joint would you like to see in space?

Personally, I'd love to see Five Guys on Uranus

Why did the boy bring a joint to school?

To get to high school

What's the worst part of getting stoned with cannibals?

You've got to be really specific when you ask them to pass you a joint.

I hear there's a tropical storm Karen heading for the US...

They have warn all department stores and fast-food joints in the coastal area to batten down their managers.

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Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

At a joint NATO training excercise,

An American officer is overseeing a firing range. There a soldiers of all nationalities present. However, the officer takes particular interest in a young Australian soldier. Whilst his peers are firing at targets, he struggles to load his gun and then it jams. The officer whispers to his fellow Ame...

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Oldie, but no one I tell has ever heard it

One day there was a bunny hopping through the forest when he comes across a deer rolling up a joint.

The bunny says "Mr. Deer...don't waste your life on drugs. Prance through the forest with me and be free!" Mr. Deer thinks "Ya know...he's right. What am I doing with my life?"

So he p...

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

I really don't understand why my Burger Joint was shut down.

I really don't get it. I mean, I really pour blood, tears and sweat over these burgers.

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

What is an epileptic's favorite pizza joint?

Little seizures

My grandma was complaining that her joints were getting weaker every day, but I’m glad that she’s doing much better.

She just started rolling them tighter.

God rolled a joint, put it in his mouth, and realized he had nothing to light it with.

The match was made in Heaven.

Did you hear about the two stoners who merged their companies?

It was a joint venture

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

My dad with arthritis was arrested for falling down while on a jog.

Apparently you can't roll joints in public spaces yet.

I need a medical marijuana card for my joint pain!

They're always burning!

A comedian didn't want to disappoint his fans

A comedian didn't want to disappoint his fans, so when a couple asked if he wanted to smoke a joint with them after the show, he said sure.On the drive home, he noticed flashing lights behind him and pulled over.The officer came to the window and asked if he'd been drinking. The comedian said he had...

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

Why was the teenager arrested in Wal-Mart after asking if they sold protective coverings to use while smoking weed?

When asked why he came in, he said he needed to “case the joint.”

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A man walks into a burger joint...

He reads off the menu:

Hamburger $2.50
Cheeseburger $3.50
HandJobs $25.00

He walks up and whispers to the girl running the til; “are you the one who gives the $25 handjobs?”

The girl replies; “yes” , with a smile on her face.

“Okay, go wash y...

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint...

The person behind the counter asks, "How can I help you?"

The Dalai Lama replies, "Can you make me one with everything?"

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A monkey is smoking a joint.. (NFSW)

A monkey is smoking a joint when rabbit arrives and says: “ Come on monkey leave the joint and go for run with me, its healthier...”

A monkey thinks about it and says: “You are right, lets go!”

They both start running and after a while they see a zebra preparing some hash.

Rabb...

A little rabbit is running through the forest

when he sees a bear and a wolf smoking a joint. Not knowing what a joint is, he approaches them.

"What are you doing guys?" the rabbit asks. "Smoking a joint." they said, "Wanna try?". "I can't. Mrs. rabbit is waiting for me." answers the rabbit. "Come on, rabbit. It's gonna be fun.". Rabbit ...

10 ants were applying for a joint rental application...

...They meet with the rental agent and are discussing details of the property. One of the ants says "so this ant next to me is Dave, we met in university - great guy. Sarah, Jack and Bobby over there I met through work at the ant hill two trees over, we used to go out leaf hunting together - so much...

I had a hip replacement, but the hospital won't let me keep the bone as a souvenir.

They've got joint custody.

What's the difference between a joint and today's rappers?

A joint gets more than one hit.

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

What do you call a Saudi prince smoking a joint?

Sheikh n' bake.

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A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink.

Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.

The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.

The Scot replied; "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored...

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

My friend gave me a ride to work but every time we drove under a bridge my joints started aching.

Guess I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I started a job today at the local cemetery...

The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. ...

What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

Credit: my dad

If Adele smokes a joint in a submarine

Is she rolling in the deep ?

What do you call it when a dog has chronic inflammation in its joints?

Arf-ritis...

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I'm done.

Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I...

A friend of mine jointed a nudist camp last week

he said the first day was the hardest.

I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans

But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint.

A lizard passing by looks up at the Koala and says "hey koala! What are you doing?"

The koala looks down and says "just chilling in this tree man, smoking a joint."

The lizard asks if he can join and the koala obliges. The lizard crawls up the tree, stops next to the koala and they b...

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If you smoke a joint while having sex on a plane...

...does that put you in the two mile high club?

Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint?

He suffered blunt force trauma

4 buddies put in together for a joint rental application

They just wanted to pass it around and take a few hits, then give it back.

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

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