I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

a couple of cows were smokin’ joints and playin’ cards...

that’s right, the steaks were pretty high

All the cows at the poker table were smoking a joint.

I guess you could say there were high stakes.

What do you tell a grandma who's joints are getting weaker?

Tell her to roll them tighter!

Went to a burger joint a while ago

My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, "I guess that's why they call them sliders."

They named a chicken joint “Popeye’s...”

...because they stick it in Olive Oil.

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

A couple of steers were smoking a joint , and playing poker

The steaks were pretty high

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Rolled my first joint last night.

Fuck, my ankle hurts this morning.

Cowboys don’t roll joints

They tumble weed

A burglar breaks into a joint

While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly ...

What do you call a Sith Lord with joint pain?

Darthritis

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard...

Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force...

...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.

What do Canadians call the joints in their fingers?

Canuckles, eh!

NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

The joint won't get passed around the entire show.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Gotta take the local brothel to court. They said their employees would do *anything* for a hundred each, so I hired the whole joint.

Not a single log got chopped up, despite clear instructions.

With only one paper left, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to roll a cigarette or a joint

In the end I decided to spliff the difference

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

What do stoners and arthritis have in common??

They both inflame joints.

If you have joint pain

You're probably holding it by the wrong end.

My buddy and I are opening a marijuana dispensary together.

It’s a joint venture.

I dont always roll a joint...

But when I do, its my ankle

My friend rolled me a fat joint

He called it his American joint.

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .

He enquired, " With whom?"

I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."

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A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having sex 3 times a week.

The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.

The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say ...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

Roll, roll, roll your joint, twist it at the end

Spark it up, take a drag and pass it to... myself I guess. Sorry, social distancing and all, roll your own.

Two guys lighting up a joint.

After an hour the one is high and the other feels like a seven.

Why?

>!Because the one feels numb and the other feels number.!<

There was also another guy with them who smoked way more that day. >!He felt like an eight. You could say he felt even number.!<

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish...

Stoner: "Alright maaan, uhhh, how about.... a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it"

Leprechaun: "A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish."

Stoner: "Really, another wi...

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

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This is very funny, but it’s more of a visual joke than one for here. But it always gets a laugh when you perform it right.

A police detective is called to the scene of a fatal car crash. Inside are two people- a man and a woman... and curiously enough, a little monkey who survived unscathed. The detective is trying to piece together what happened and muses out loud to the monkey- “Boy, I sure wish you could tell me what...

Why does the little cannabis plant spend every other week at his father's house?

Because his parents have joint custody.

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

The janitor just asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with him.

I declined. I can't deal with high maintenance people.

what are cows knees called?

burger joints

Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connectio...

In 100,000 BC, a man woke up, passed a joint to his wife

...and thus started the stone age!

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Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

A woman in her 90s told another "My joints are weak".

The later replied "That's because you are not rolling them tight enough honey".

Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year Party this weekend

They're calling it Chinese Burns Night.

I wasn't going to go but they twisted my arm.

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

Jesus was worried about drugs plaguing the world.

Jesus was worried about drugs plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to retur...

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

Why did the old car have squeaky joints?

It had carthritis.

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A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project......

...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus.

They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super sex".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

A man in his 60s hoes to a brothel

... constantly shaking from his Parkinson's.

He tells the madam I want 5 girls.

The madam says are you sure? 5 girls might kill you. But the man is adamant and soon enough he's in a room with 5 girls.

Shaking from every joint as he lays on the bed, he tells 2 girls: you two, hol...

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A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

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A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

If A Pothead Has 13 Joints

That makes it a baker's dozen.

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint...

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard crawls up the branch to the money and asks "What are you doing?" The monkey responds, "Smoking a joint. Want a hit?"

The lizard takes a long drag and after a minute says "I'm so thirsty, I need to take a drink from the nearby lake." The li...

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

Yesterday I smoked a joint and worked on my savings..

I guess you could say I work in high financing.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

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Woke up this morning and rolled a joint

Shame it was my ankle and now I can’t fucking walk

Why do pirates have sore joints?

Because they get arrrrrrrthritis

What is Hannibal Lector’s go-to fast food joint?

Chick Flay

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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Which fast food joint would you like to see in space?

Personally, I'd love to see Five Guys on Uranus

I was banned from being a Scout leader after a baking mishap on a joint group weekend camping trip.

I fudged a Brownie.

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest... (nsfw)

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabb...

I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans

But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.

What is an epileptic's favorite pizza joint?

Little seizures

Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

A regular guy walks into a really tall BBQ joint

The steaks were high

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Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

What do you call a joint in Geneva?

A Swiss Roll

Hear about the blonde arrested at the track and field meet?

He was caught smoking a joint at the high jump.

Two priests decided to open a fast food joint.

The first became a fish friar, while the other became a chip monk.

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

My grandma was complaining that her joints were getting weaker every day, but I’m glad that she’s doing much better.

She just started rolling them tighter.

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A man walks into a burger joint...

He reads off the menu:

Hamburger $2.50
Cheeseburger $3.50
HandJobs $25.00

He walks up and whispers to the girl running the til; “are you the one who gives the $25 handjobs?”

The girl replies; “yes” , with a smile on her face.

“Okay, go wash y...

10 ants were applying for a joint rental application...

...They meet with the rental agent and are discussing details of the property. One of the ants says "so this ant next to me is Dave, we met in university - great guy. Sarah, Jack and Bobby over there I met through work at the ant hill two trees over, we used to go out leaf hunting together - so much...

A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint...

He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Last he order...

God rolled a joint, put it in his mouth, and realized he had nothing to light it with.

The match was made in Heaven.

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A monkey is smoking a joint.. (NFSW)

A monkey is smoking a joint when rabbit arrives and says: “ Come on monkey leave the joint and go for run with me, its healthier...”

A monkey thinks about it and says: “You are right, lets go!”

They both start running and after a while they see a zebra preparing some hash.

Rabb...

Why did the boy bring a joint to school?

To get to high school

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

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