A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and th...

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards….

The steaks were pretty high.

What happens when a lighter smokes the joint instead of burning it?

Lighter becomes a highlighter.

They named a chicken joint “Popeye’s...”

...because they stick it in Olive Oil.

Some people say I roll the best joints in the world

It's a doobious honour.

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

What do you call an Egyptian doctor specializing in joints?

A Cairopractor

Every morning, my roommate wakes up, smokes a joint, and then throws it at me.

I’m suffering from blunt force trauma.

I rolled my first joint last night!

Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(

A monkey and a chameleon are smoking a joint in a tree

The chameleon says to the monkey “man I’m thirsty” to which the monkey replies “go down to the river and get a drink of water”.

So the chameleon crawls down the tree and wobbles over to the river bank. He leans down to take a sip and falls in.

As soon as he does, an alligator scoops ...

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

Cowboys don’t roll joints

They tumble weed

What did the egg say after smoking a joint?

Omlit

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A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree..

..a lizard comes by and asks: "monkey why are your eyes so red?", monkey replies: "i'm smoking a joint, do you want some?". Confused lizard asks: "i don't know, what's a joint?" Monkey says to him to come up to tree and he'll show him. After two joints they are both waisted and the lizard complains ...

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What do you get at the end of a joint of dick weed?

Cock roach.

What do you tell a grandma who's joints are getting weaker?

Tell her to roll them tighter!

A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"

The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your c...

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

What do you call someone who can’t stop popping their joints?

A crack addict

Went to a burger joint a while ago

My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, "I guess that's why they call them sliders."

A burglar breaks into a joint

While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly ...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

John rolls out of his room into the apartment,

John rolls out of his room into the apartment, looking like some misshapen ball. His roommate Ron, horrified, asks what happened.

“Oh nothing major, I just found a genie and told him I could use a joint, looks like he misinterpreted and turned me into a human knee,” said John.

“A kn...

NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

The joint won't get passed around the entire show.

Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…

While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.

When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!

“What’s wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME?” I protested. “I didn’t even do anything...

What do Canadians call the joints in their fingers?

Canuckles, eh!

Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force...

...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.

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A man is trying to decide which woman to marry...

He is picking out of three women. In order to test which one he should marry he gave each one of them $5000 to see what they would do.

The first woman spends her money on new clothes, lingerie, and a total makeover. She tells him she did it because she loves him so much and wants to look gre...

Gotta take the local brothel to court. They said their employees would do *anything* for a hundred each, so I hired the whole joint.

Not a single log got chopped up, despite clear instructions.

With only one paper left, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to roll a cigarette or a joint

In the end I decided to spliff the difference

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .

He enquired, " With whom?"

I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."

An Orangutan Is smoking a joint on a tree when a lizard walks by...

The lizard asks: "Hey Orangutan what are you doing?"
"Smoking a joint"
"Ooooh can I have a puff???"
And the Orangutan: "Absolutely not, you're so small you couldn't possibly handle It"
"Cmon please Orangutan just one!"
"Alright! But don't make me regret It"
After smoking the lizard...

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

I dont always roll a joint...

But when I do, its my ankle

What's the number one reason for requesting a medical marijuana card?

"I need it for my joints!"

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

Redneck Dog in Heat

On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One beer led to another, and soon a cop came in and said, "Is that your dog outside?" "Sure is," said the redneck. "Well, I want you to know she's in ...

If you have joint pain

You're probably holding it by the wrong end.

The other day my daughter asked me what it was like living in the '60s.

I took a hit off my joint and said "Huh?"

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

Roll, roll, roll your joint, twist it at the end

Spark it up, take a drag and pass it to... myself I guess. Sorry, social distancing and all, roll your own.

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

Did you hear Snoop Dogg got Rheumatoid Arthritis?

His joints were inflamed

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

My friend rolled me a fat joint

He called it his American joint.

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

What's the difference between a joint and a deadhead mama?

When we pass the joint it doesnt make it around the circle twice...

Two guys lighting up a joint.

After an hour the one is high and the other feels like a seven.

Why?

>!Because the one feels numb and the other feels number.!<

There was also another guy with them who smoked way more that day. >!He felt like an eight. You could say he felt even number.!<

My Uncle says that if you do something you love then you'll never work a day in your life

as he rolled yet another joint.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

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The Mistress

>A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husba...

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

3 engineering students

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The ...

What do stoners and arthritis have in common??

They both inflame joints.

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

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Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

The janitor just asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with him.

I declined. I can't deal with high maintenance people.

2 people dislocated my toe earlier

It was a joint effort.

Can 7 guys comfortably enjoy eating at 5 Guys burger joints?

No, it's impossible to fit a train in a restaurant.

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

A woman in her 90s told another "My joints are weak".

The later replied "That's because you are not rolling them tight enough honey".

Celebrating 4/20

So today was 4/20 and me and my buddy met up to smoke one. After a lot of arguing and persuading we couldn't decide whose weed we should roll up first.

In the end we just decided on a joint venture.

Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year Party this weekend

They're calling it Chinese Burns Night.

I wasn't going to go but they twisted my arm.

Just a Little too Much, I'd say....

An iguana is walking through the jungle and stops when he smells weed being smoked. He looks up and sees a monkey smoking a joint. Iguana says, "Hey monkey can I join you? I'm having a bad day."

Monkey tells him yes and he climbed up and joined the monkey. Halfway through the monkey asks the...

In 100,000 BC, a man woke up, passed a joint to his wife

...and thus started the stone age!

Why did the old car have squeaky joints?

It had carthritis.

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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

I'm thinking of starting a podcast where we talk about carpentry and smoking weed

It would be all about joints

What do you call a family that smokes weed together?

Joint family.

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

What’s it called when a bunch of stoners start working together?

A joint collaboration

What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

A couple always consults their weed dealer before going to the bank...

The reason being they only have joint accounts

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super sex".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint?

Five Guys.

Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans

But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint...

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard crawls up the branch to the money and asks "What are you doing?" The monkey responds, "Smoking a joint. Want a hit?"

The lizard takes a long drag and after a minute says "I'm so thirsty, I need to take a drink from the nearby lake." The li...

If A Pothead Has 13 Joints

That makes it a baker's dozen.

I WENT to the bank

and asked to open a joint account.

The banker said, ”Certainly , with who?”

I said, “With anyone who has money.”

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

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Woke up this morning and rolled a joint

Shame it was my ankle and now I can’t fucking walk

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A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having sex 3 times a week.

The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.

The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say ...

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Which fast food joint would you like to see in space?

Personally, I'd love to see Five Guys on Uranus

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