I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

##

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Rolled my first joint last night.

God my ankle hurts this morning.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

I don't always roll joints, but when I do,

it's usually my ankle.

The janitor just asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with him.

I declined. I can't deal with high maintenance people.

In 100,000 BC, a man woke up, passed a joint to his wife

...and thus started the stone age!

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

A woman in her 90s told another "My joints are weak".

The later replied "That's because you are not rolling them tight enough honey".

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘d...

Frank's joints would hurt at the same time every day...

For years Frank's knees or elbows would start to ache at 8:50am and 8:50pm.

At first he thought nothing of it....he was getting older and he figured it was all part of aging. After about 5 years Frank got concerned and starting seeing doctor after doctor trying to figure out what what was ca...

Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year Party this weekend

They're calling it Chinese Burns Night.

I wasn't going to go but they twisted my arm.

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

My stoned friend used my daily planner to roll a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of priorities.

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Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

Why did the old car have squeaky joints?

It had carthritis.

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker

so I told her to roll them tighter.

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

The Iranians and Italians have jointly formed a university.

Ayatollah U

What do you call an Egyptian joint doctor?

a Cairo-practor.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

Why do they call it possession of marijuana?

They should call it joint custody

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

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A man walks into a bar with the head a size of an orange

The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. But the man has head the size of an orange.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the ...

Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project......

...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus.

They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.

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Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super sex".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

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Grandpa and Grandson go fishing

Grampa decides to take his grandson fishing. They put the boat in the water. Row the boat out a little ways. Grandson casts his line and then once grandpa gets the anchor in he casts his line leans back and opens a beer. This is their conversation.

"GrandPa"
"Yes Grandson"
"Can I h...

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Life Alert and Viagra launch a joint marketing campaign

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get it up!"

Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

I just dropped the joint I was rolling

It really doobie like that sometimes.

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

So I was looking to get some weed the other day...

So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured m...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

After waking up every morning, my roommate lights up a joint, and then throws it at me once he’s done.

I’m suffering from blunt force trauma l

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest...

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rab...

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A traveling salesman knocks on a door and a little boy answers.

The boy is wearing a women’s nightgown, drinking brandy from a snifter, and smoking a joint.

Stunned, the salesman says, ‘excuse me, are your parents home?’

The little boy replies,
‘What the fuck do you think?’

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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

Yesterday I smoked a joint and worked on my savings..

I guess you could say I work in high financing.

Why do pirates have sore joints?

Because they get arrrrrrrthritis

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

Where does a Marijuana Seller put his profits?

In a Joint account

If A Pothead Has 13 Joints

That makes it a baker's dozen.

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

The IRS has made a major announcement.

All Marijuana Dealers must file a joint tax return.

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

What do you call a joint in Geneva?

A Swiss Roll

I was banned from being a Scout leader after a baking mishap on a joint group weekend camping trip.

I fudged a Brownie.

A regular guy walks into a really tall BBQ joint

The steaks were high

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Woke up this morning and rolled a joint

Shame it was my ankle and now I can’t fucking walk

A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint...

He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Last he order...

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A man is bored one Saturday Night...

It was Saturday night, and a man decides to go out to a nightclub to get lucky. He meets a pair of twins and thinks he has hit the jackpot when they invite him back to their house.

When he gets there, he finds that it is a weed farm, and they share the house with the grower, who is rolling a ...

What do you call a group of weed smokers?

A joint family.

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Deep into the woods there was bunny rabbit, hopping and prancing,

when he saw a monkey about to drop acid, so he yelled

"STOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP, THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH COME JOIN ME HOP THRU THE FOREST".

So the monkey said fuck it, let's do it rabbit.

So the monkey and the bunny where prancing through the woods when all of a sudden, saw a giraff...

How good do you think Jesus would be at rolling a cross joint?

He’d nail it

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Which fast food joint would you like to see in space?

Personally, I'd love to see Five Guys on Uranus

Two priests decided to open a fast food joint.

The first became a fish friar, while the other became a chip monk.

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

Why did the boy bring a joint to school?

To get to high school

My grandma was complaining that her joints were getting weaker every day, but I’m glad that she’s doing much better.

She just started rolling them tighter.

My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

At a joint NATO training excercise,

An American officer is overseeing a firing range. There a soldiers of all nationalities present. However, the officer takes particular interest in a young Australian soldier. Whilst his peers are firing at targets, he struggles to load his gun and then it jams. The officer whispers to his fellow Ame...

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

What is an epileptic's favorite pizza joint?

Little seizures

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

I really don't understand why my Burger Joint was shut down.

I really don't get it. I mean, I really pour blood, tears and sweat over these burgers.

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

God rolled a joint, put it in his mouth, and realized he had nothing to light it with.

The match was made in Heaven.

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The secret to a long life

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a shriveled, stooped old lady. She was sitting on her front step, contentedly smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

She said, "I smoke ten cigars a day. Be...

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

What do you call a married couple who both work in a dispensary?

A joint-income household

Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first. "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."


An electrical engineer chimes in. "Are you kidding me? Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a c...

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A man walks into a burger joint...

He reads off the menu:

Hamburger $2.50
Cheeseburger $3.50
HandJobs $25.00

He walks up and whispers to the girl running the til; “are you the one who gives the $25 handjobs?”

The girl replies; “yes” , with a smile on her face.

“Okay, go wash y...

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint...

The person behind the counter asks, "How can I help you?"

The Dalai Lama replies, "Can you make me one with everything?"

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

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A monkey is smoking a joint.. (NFSW)

A monkey is smoking a joint when rabbit arrives and says: “ Come on monkey leave the joint and go for run with me, its healthier...”

A monkey thinks about it and says: “You are right, lets go!”

They both start running and after a while they see a zebra preparing some hash.

Rabb...

I need a medical marijuana card for my joint pain!

They're always burning!

10 ants were applying for a joint rental application...

...They meet with the rental agent and are discussing details of the property. One of the ants says "so this ant next to me is Dave, we met in university - great guy. Sarah, Jack and Bobby over there I met through work at the ant hill two trees over, we used to go out leaf hunting together - so much...

I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans

But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

What's the difference between a joint and today's rappers?

A joint gets more than one hit.

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

What do you call a Saudi prince smoking a joint?

Sheikh n' bake.

I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

Why do people look to Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogen to teach them how to make good blunts and joints?

Because they're good roll models.

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Oldie, but no one I tell has ever heard it

One day there was a bunny hopping through the forest when he comes across a deer rolling up a joint.

The bunny says "Mr. Deer...don't waste your life on drugs. Prance through the forest with me and be free!" Mr. Deer thinks "Ya know...he's right. What am I doing with my life?"

So he p...

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint.

A lizard passing by looks up at the Koala and says "hey koala! What are you doing?"

The koala looks down and says "just chilling in this tree man, smoking a joint."

The lizard asks if he can join and the koala obliges. The lizard crawls up the tree, stops next to the koala and they b...

A friend of mine jointed a nudist camp last week

he said the first day was the hardest.

What do you call a team of DEA or Police who raids a marijuana grow-house?

A Joint Task Force

If Adele smokes a joint in a submarine

Is she rolling in the deep ?

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

What's the worst part of getting stoned with cannibals?

You've got to be really specific when you ask them to pass you a joint.

What do you call it when a dog has chronic inflammation in its joints?

Arf-ritis...

My friend gave me a ride to work but every time we drove under a bridge my joints started aching.

Guess I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

Row row row your boat

Roll roll roll your joint. Twist it at the end. Take a puff and that's enough. Now pass it to a friend.

Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint?

He suffered blunt force trauma

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