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Rib Jokes

If god made Eve from Adam’s rib…

Does that make Eve his side chick?

My aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

I just found out vegan ribs are delicious.

It must be their vegetarian diet.

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

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God created Adam and after a time God took a rib from Adam to create Eve

God says to Adam “I have taken your rib and from that I have created Eve, a woman. Adam, you are to love Eve.”
Adam asks God, “alright God, well what am I supposed to love Eve, a woman?”
God tells Adam “you can go and hold Eve’s hand, Adam. Here’s how.”
God explain how they should hold ha...

Trying to upgrade the McRib sandwich

A chef at the McDonald's test kitchen walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Kind of bummed out today," the chef tells the bartender. "I've spend weeks trying to create a beef version of the McRib, and we just can't come up with anything that works." "Well, I hope you've learned from your McSteaks," t...

God took only one rib from men to create women

Because he knew, if he took a second rib, humanity would die out.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

men try to get women off the same way they like their ribs

with a dry rub

Adam asks, "God, I need a companion it is boring around here by myself?"

God answers: I will give you the most beautiful companion you have ever seen. They will bring you food, make sure your comfortable, never gets angry, never disobey, and will be the best parent in the world.

Adam replies: Is that going to cost me anything?

God states: To create this ...

“Yo, throw me a McRib”

- McGod said as he made the first McWoman.

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Will I live to be 75

So I went to see my new primary care doctor and he tells me I'm doing 'fairly well' for my age.

I'm like, 'Okay, but am I gonna make it to 75?'

And he's like, 'Well, do you smoke, drink, or do drugs?'

So I'm like, 'No, no, and no.'

Then he goes, 'Do you eat rib-eye stea...

Adam spoke to God in the Garden of Eden

"I am lonely" said Adam. "I need someone around for company."

"Very well," said God. "I will create a companion for you. One who will obey your every word, do all your chores along with cooking and cleaning for you."

"Wonderful!" said Adam. "What will it take?"

"For you, it wi...

What kind of condoms do frogs use?

Ribbed.

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During a church service,

the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men i...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

Why weren't Rib and Femur admitted to the party?

They weren't Hip.

A man walks into a butcher shop and says, “hey, I’d like some of that nice looking rib eye you got on that top shelf please”

The butcher replies, “I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that, the steaks are too high”.

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

Humans are like the McRib...

We’re only here for a limited time and we SUCK.

Why did the Astronomer bring a slab of ribs into the bathroom?

He wanted to witness a meatier shower.

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing?

Something smells fishy around here.

A frog hops into a pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist asks if he wants smooth or ribbed ones. The frog replies....

"ribbit"

Good company

One day an angel appeared to Adam. The angel said, “Adam, I’ve got great news. God is going to create something wonderful for you.” Adam said, “Oh, what is it?
The angel said, “It’s not an “it,” it’s a “she.” God is going to make something called a woman.” Adam said, “Go on.”

The angel con...

When God made Eve with Adam's ribs...

Just kidding, there's no god.

The Creation of Woman

\[Yes, I know, it's been posted before, I can't help it.\]

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord.

"What's the matter, Adam?"

Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who ...

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone ...

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

Doctor: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib...

... but we fixed it with Photoshop."

What do you call a bunch of people in line for smoked ribs and brisket?

A Bar-B-Queue.

My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

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A golfing instructor has no luck teaching a young, married woman. (NSFW)

Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass.

This is beginning to affect his ability to get new clients, and he is constantly getting ribbed by colleagues.

One lesson, after angrily stamping a clump of grass back i...

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

God came to Adam and said “I’m going to give you something wonderful, something perfect, something that will make you happy. “ “What’s it going to cost me” Adam asked?

God said “It will cost you your right arm.” “What can I get for a rib?” Adam asked.

A Prime Rib, A Baked Potato, and a Garden Salad walk into a bar...

The bartender snaps his head away from the newspaper and yells, "Beat it, guys!" "We don't serve food!"

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

Adam's Rib

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clo...

I tried cooking Chinese spare ribs in the oven instead of the pan.

I'll tell you it was a walk in the park compared to the pork in the wok.

What did the old lady and the rack of ribs have in common?

They were both used to dry rubs!

It's funny that condoms are ribbed for her pleasure...

Because in Genesis, God ribbed Adam for Eve.

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A Catholic Priest, a Buddhist Monk, and an atheist walk into a bar.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

My wife cooked ribs last night.

I accidentally dropped one on the floor, but still picked it up and took a bite.

She yelled, "that's disgusting!"

I replied, "well, you're the one that cooked it!"

Adam is feeling a bit lonely in the garden of eden

So one day he asks God for a companion. God thinks about this for a little while and finally comes back to Adam and says "I've got the perfect bride for you. She cooks, cleans, does whatever you ask and is gorgeous to boot." Adam looks up and says "Thats amazing! What do I have to do for such a wond...

Eve was mad at Adam for spending a lot of time in Eden away from her.

Adam said, "Honey, we are the only two humans to be created. Why would you worry about where I go?"

Eve let it go but wasn't convinced.

Later when Adam was asleep she decided to get to the bottom of this...

She put her hands on his chest and began counting his ribs.

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

Rib jokes?

My mom just broke one of her ribs shoveling snow. (Really mom? You're 60 years old, with a snowblower, with a husband who was literally 10 minutes away from coming home) Anyway, does anyone have any good jokes involving ribs? I know the Adam/Eve ones...any others?

Adam is a little lonely...

About a month or so after Adam was introduced to Eden, God and Adam are meeting for dinner. Adam expresses his admiration for the plants and the animals and the joy and beauty of it all, but admits that there is one little thing that he feels sad about: he feels a tiny bit lonely....

God quic...

What did the perverted sauce say to the Chinese Ribs?

.. I'm only Peking.

Adam was feeling lonely...

so God created all of the animals to be his companions.

"God," Adam said, "These animals are great and all, but none of them seem like truly great companions for me."

"Well, Adam, I think I know exactly what you need. Tonight, I will create a Woman for you."

"A Woman? What's th...

I always enjoy baby back ribs

but I get kicked out of the abortion clinic

Couple at a Bull Auction

This couple goes to an agriculture show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull produced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in...

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Do you know why God made Adam and Eve white?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man.

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attentio...

Adam and Eve

Eve: "Adam are you seeing someone else?"

Adam: "No, you're the only woman on earth!"

Adam: "Now what are you doing?"

Eve: "Counting your ribs."

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...

... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, ...

Garden of Eden

So after God created Adam he spent a lot of time by himself in the garden, and became bored and lonely.

God noticed Adam seemed a little down so he asked what was wrong. Adam told him he was lonely and that he could use some company. God told Adam he could create the perfect companion for hi...

A man went in for an interview...

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off."...

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Adam and God

One day Adam was walking through the garden, and he then sighs deeply, he looks up and says

Adam: God, Im super bored... and lonely, please help out

To which God responds: Ahh my son, i have something for you, its amazing, glorious, it will fill your life with joy every day forever, yo...

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Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and all things that in them are: (Long)

Then he eventually created Adam, who was having a lot of fun in the garden, walking around naked, eating fruit from various trees, and hanging out with/naming all of the animals.

But one day, Adam began to feel lonely and decided to talk to God about it. In that discussion, Adam expressed th...

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The Bidens went out to a restaurant.

The waiter serving them asked Jill Biden for her order first.
"To start, I'll have the french onion soup. Then the prime rib, medium-rare, with a baked potato, with butter and sour cream."
"Excellent, Doctor. What about the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the same thing."


(...

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Tried it in /funny, didnt work there so now Im trying it here :) Best joke I know

First off, sorry for the shitty english, not a native...
A guy have just been invited to his girlfriend for dinner and sleepover for the first time. Since theyve never done "it" he got really excited and thought that this would be the day he lost his virginity. So the day before the dinner he goe...

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So a guy is standing there, explaining his story to another guy....

And he starts off "Yeah, so listen, it was crazy right? I got laid off from my job, and when I got home, my wife had taken all my stuff and moved out. She left some note, said she was done with me. What could I do? So I'm sitting there in my empty house, realizing my life has come down around me, an...

Adam was standing in the garden of Eden.

Adam: "God, I'm lonely. None of these animals are fit for me."

God: "Well how about I make you a helper? She can be human just like you!"

Adam: "Really?"

God: "Yeah! She'll be perfect! Her beauty will take your breath away! She'll never complain! She'll be strong, but gentle; co...

Same old cow

My wife and I went to the ploughing championships and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' **"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"**

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and ...

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Not Safe for Work . . . Or Is It?

**He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.**

**Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.** **He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”**

**Without warning, he re...

A man walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I tell you what, see those rib-eyes hanging from the ceiling?" The man shrugs and says "Yeah, what about'em?" The bartender then says, "If you can jump and touch one, I'll give you free drinks all night. But if you miss, you have to buy a round for everyone...

For my Cake day I would like to share my biologist wife's favorite joke.

Two girls are giving relationship advice to their friend.

The confectioner says:

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." And offers to help the girl bake a cake.

The doctor says:

"That is actually false, the quickest way to a man's heart is through the...

An insurance agent approaches a cowboy, trying to sell him an accident policy.

The agent inquires, "Have you ever had an accident?"
"Never," the cowboy responds. "However, just recently a horse kicked in two of my ribs, and back a couple years ago a rattlesnake bit my ankle."
"Wouldn't you call these accidents?" says the puzzled agent.

"Nah," the cowboy replies. "...

Adam was lonely, so God made an offer.

I'll tell you what, Adam. I'm going to make you a mate. She'll help you tend to the garden, feed and name the animals, rub your feet and back, and just be the perfect companion for you.

**What's that going to cost me, God?**

An Arm and a leg.

**What can I get for a rib?**
...

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