UPJOKE
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Rib Jokes

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

My aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

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If it's true that God made Eve from Adam's rib...

Then technically speaking, Eve was Adam's side bitch....

I accidentally overcooked my rib eye

Don't worry, we all make mis-steaks!

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

I just found out vegan ribs are delicious.

It must be their vegetarian diet.

A guy in an alley stuck a gun in my ribs and said, "Give me all your money!"

I thought, "I've got to hand it to him."

Trying to upgrade the McRib sandwich

A chef at the McDonald's test kitchen walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Kind of bummed out today," the chef tells the bartender. "I've spend weeks trying to create a beef version of the McRib, and we just can't come up with anything that works." "Well, I hope you've learned from your McSteaks," t...

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

“Yo, throw me a McRib”

- McGod said as he made the first McWoman.

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

God took only one rib from men to create women

Because he knew, if he took a second rib, humanity would die out.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

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God created Adam and after a time God took a rib from Adam to create Eve

God says to Adam “I have taken your rib and from that I have created Eve, a woman. Adam, you are to love Eve.”
Adam asks God, “alright God, well what am I supposed to love Eve, a woman?”
God tells Adam “you can go and hold Eve’s hand, Adam. Here’s how.”
God explain how they should hold ha...

Adam's Rib

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clo...

Humans are like the McRib...

We’re only here for a limited time and we SUCK.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

Doctor: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib...

... but we fixed it with Photoshop."

men try to get women off the same way they like their ribs

with a dry rub

Why did the Astronomer bring a slab of ribs into the bathroom?

He wanted to witness a meatier shower.

Rib jokes?

My mom just broke one of her ribs shoveling snow. (Really mom? You're 60 years old, with a snowblower, with a husband who was literally 10 minutes away from coming home) Anyway, does anyone have any good jokes involving ribs? I know the Adam/Eve ones...any others?

I tried making a joke about my Prime rib dinner.

But it wasn't well done.

Adam spoke to God in the Garden of Eden

"I am lonely" said Adam. "I need someone around for company."

"Very well," said God. "I will create a companion for you. One who will obey your every word, do all your chores along with cooking and cleaning for you."

"Wonderful!" said Adam. "What will it take?"

"For you, it wi...

My wife cooked ribs last night.

I accidentally dropped one on the floor, but still picked it up and took a bite.

She yelled, "that's disgusting!"

I replied, "well, you're the one that cooked it!"

Sugar... Spice... and Everything Nice

These were the ingredients God chose to create the perfect dry rub for a rib.

It's funny that condoms are ribbed for her pleasure...

Because in Genesis, God ribbed Adam for Eve.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone ...

A man walks into a butcher shop and says, “hey, I’d like some of that nice looking rib eye you got on that top shelf please”

The butcher replies, “I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that, the steaks are too high”.

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing?

Something smells fishy around here.

What kind of condoms do frogs use?

Ribbed.

God creates Adam

God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, w...

Counting on Christmas

On Christmas morning, a man is enjoying opening presents with his family but every time he opens a present, he checks to be sure that everything is there…


“Cool, 4 steak knives. 1, 2, 3 and 4!”


“A dozen wrenches? 1, 2, 3, 4….10, 11 and 12! Awesome!”


“Four ...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

I tried cooking Chinese spare ribs in the oven instead of the pan.

I'll tell you it was a walk in the park compared to the pork in the wok.

What did the old lady and the rack of ribs have in common?

They were both used to dry rubs!

A Prime Rib, A Baked Potato, and a Garden Salad walk into a bar...

The bartender snaps his head away from the newspaper and yells, "Beat it, guys!" "We don't serve food!"

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

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Not fucked yet.

Once upon a time there was a young man hiking through the woods. As he was gaily skipping through a path he suddenly started to hear footsteps approaching. The footsteps came closer until the trees finally disclosed a group of twenty natives with spears carrying a fat man and his fat kid on a throne...

What did the perverted sauce say to the Chinese Ribs?

.. I'm only Peking.

My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

God came to Adam and said “I’m going to give you something wonderful, something perfect, something that will make you happy. “ “What’s it going to cost me” Adam asked?

God said “It will cost you your right arm.” “What can I get for a rib?” Adam asked.

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers “of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue”.

Adam is excited and asks “that sounds perfect, what will it cost me”

“An arm and a leg”

“….what can I get for a rib?”

What do you call a bunch of people in line for smoked ribs and brisket?

A Bar-B-Queue.

A frog hops into a pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist asks if he wants smooth or ribbed ones. The frog replies....

"ribbit"

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Do you know why God made Adam and Eve white?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man.

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

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The Bidens went out to a restaurant.

The waiter serving them asked Jill Biden for her order first.
"To start, I'll have the french onion soup. Then the prime rib, medium-rare, with a baked potato, with butter and sour cream."
"Excellent, Doctor. What about the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the same thing."


(...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the g...

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Adam and God

One day Adam was walking through the garden, and he then sighs deeply, he looks up and says

Adam: God, Im super bored... and lonely, please help out

To which God responds: Ahh my son, i have something for you, its amazing, glorious, it will fill your life with joy every day forever, yo...

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So a guy is standing there, explaining his story to another guy....

And he starts off "Yeah, so listen, it was crazy right? I got laid off from my job, and when I got home, my wife had taken all my stuff and moved out. She left some note, said she was done with me. What could I do? So I'm sitting there in my empty house, realizing my life has come down around me, an...

What is the first derivative of a cow?

A prime rib.

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What do you call it when Adam and Eve have sex?

A gentle ribbing

The Oldest Profession

A lawyer, engineer and physician are debating the oldest profession over drinks.

“Medicine is the oldest," declared the doctor, "because in Genesis God surgically removed Adam's rib to create Eve."

"That's true," agreed the Engineer sitting down her beer, "but even earlier God creat...

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

For my Cake day I would like to share my biologist wife's favorite joke.

Two girls are giving relationship advice to their friend.

The confectioner says:

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." And offers to help the girl bake a cake.

The doctor says:

"That is actually false, the quickest way to a man's heart is through the...

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

Garden of Eden

So after God created Adam he spent a lot of time by himself in the garden, and became bored and lonely.

God noticed Adam seemed a little down so he asked what was wrong. Adam told him he was lonely and that he could use some company. God told Adam he could create the perfect companion for hi...

Trying to teach English is very frustrating

I mean how hard is it to understand that "I peppered salt on my baked fries and boneless ribs?"

Adam is a little lonely...

About a month or so after Adam was introduced to Eden, God and Adam are meeting for dinner. Adam expresses his admiration for the plants and the animals and the joy and beauty of it all, but admits that there is one little thing that he feels sad about: he feels a tiny bit lonely....

God quic...

What's a chiropractor's favorite food?

Baby crack ribs.

What is a skeleton’s favorite snack?

Ribs.

Spare ribs.

Same old cow

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......s...

I've heard polymer based condoms are the happiest type

They're ribbed for mer pleasure

Sorry if it is to sciencey

Eve was mad at Adam for spending a lot of time in Eden away from her.

Adam said, "Honey, we are the only two humans to be created. Why would you worry about where I go?"

Eve let it go but wasn't convinced.

Later when Adam was asleep she decided to get to the bottom of this...

She put her hands on his chest and began counting his ribs.

Couple at a Bull Auction

This couple goes to an agriculture show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull produced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in...

The wife & I had a child yesterday evening,

I call dibs on the breakfast ribs.

Joe Biden says he’s going to restore the “soul” of our nation...

...the McRib will now be available nationwide for the first time since 2012.

A cow and a cat are chatting in a field...

...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.

The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."

And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."

An insurance agent approaches a cowboy, trying to sell him an accident policy.

The agent inquires, "Have you ever had an accident?"
"Never," the cowboy responds. "However, just recently a horse kicked in two of my ribs, and back a couple years ago a rattlesnake bit my ankle."
"Wouldn't you call these accidents?" says the puzzled agent.

"Nah," the cowboy replies. "...

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Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

When buying condoms,

I like to get the condoms that are "ribbed for her pleasure" and turn 'em inside out.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Why did Adam go to McDonalds

They’re selling the McRib sandwich again

Putin and Medvedev go to a high class restaurant.

Putin says to the waiter "For the meat I want a rib-eye steak, medium rare. The potatos are to be baked with sour cream".

The waiter asks "what about the vegetable?"

Putin looks at Medvedev and back to the waiter and says, "He'll have the same"

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

Adam and Eve

Eve: "Adam are you seeing someone else?"

Adam: "No, you're the only woman on earth!"

Adam: "Now what are you doing?"

Eve: "Counting your ribs."

The way to the man's heart is through his stomach

The trick is to use a long knife so that the ribs don't get in the way.

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God said man should not be alone.

God told Adam, it is not good for you to be alone, I will make you a woman! She will do all the work, hunting , fishing cooking and cleaning, she will never say no to sex and will do all your bidding, you will have it made. What do you think said God? Adam replied “what will this cost me”? God repli...

My car wouldn't start so I tried to jump it.

Now I've got a dead battery *and* a broken rib.

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attentio...

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Batman at McDonald’s

What's your chicken sandwich called?

- A McChicken

And the rib?

- A McRib

[Pulls out his Batwallet] I like your style.

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn.

Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth", and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.

"What the heck are you doing?" he asked
"I'm count...

What do you call a joke that’s told by Ed Gien?

A rib tickler.

What did the selfish lover do?

He turned the 'ribbed for her pleasure' condom inside out.

Good company

One day an angel appeared to Adam. The angel said, “Adam, I’ve got great news. God is going to create something wonderful for you.” Adam said, “Oh, what is it?
The angel said, “It’s not an “it,” it’s a “she.” God is going to make something called a woman.” Adam said, “Go on.”

The angel con...

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Hope this original, but prob not

Yo momma so old her first birthday gift was a fucking rib bone.

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