UPJOKE
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Refer Jokes

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
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Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".
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My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

I told a Saudi friend my best joke and he didn't get the reference.

It's like he's living under Iraq.
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The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.
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What do IT specialists refer to as the toilet?

The IP(ee) Address
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My boss refers to “problems” as “opportunities”

So now I have a drinking opportunity!
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I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today

Their names aren't even that similar
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How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety?

Past tense
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What do the cultists of Elmer's Glue refer to themselves as?

Adherents.
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I would never ever refer to an older woman's sagging boobs as melons...

That would be low hanging fruit.

Interviewer: can I get your references?

Me: probably not. nobody else does
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refer to my ex-wife as "the plunger"

She just brings up old shit

I referred to my dentist as an orthodontist by mistake.

It was acci*dental*.
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A baby is born without an eyelid and referred to a Plastic surgeon

Plastic surgeon : You’re lucky it’s a boy. We will perform a circumcision and reconstruct the eyelid with the foreskin.
Mom (not entirely reassured): Will he be ok ? Will he be cockeyed?

Plastic surgeon : Oh no Ma’am, in fact he will have foresight.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.
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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

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Never refer to a woman as a bitch. Instead, refer to her as beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

How do car enthusiasts refer to their children?

Same make, different model.
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Why do people refer to boats as “she”

Because they’re full of seamen.
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"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"?

Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...
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Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?

The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.
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Why do we refer to problems as pickles?

Because they're Dill-emmas!
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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

The only time I ever refer to myself in the third person…

is during a threesome
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A Canadian beer reference

How can you tell a man who likes Moosehead?

Antler marks on his thighs.
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How does Putin refer to his greatest political allies?

The creme de la Kremlin
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How do people from Alabama refer to their ancenstors?

Incestors.
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How do refer to a abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled check....
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Do cannibals refer to...

Homeless people as “Free Range”?
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The Johnson and Johnson shot could refer to getting the vaccine

or double penetration
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How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?

Speed bumps.

How do you refer to a sponge that doesn't want to have anything to do with showers or baths?

Aloofa.
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I do not like using abbreviations to refer to multiple people

Not et al.
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Proud my girlfriend refers to my junk as a weapon of mass destruction

Unfortunately she meant hard to find.
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What did Bob Ross refer to his children as?

Happy little accidents
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How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"
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How does a casual-catholic scientist collectively refer to Christmas and Easter church services?

Critical Mass.

{Ba-Dum-Tss}

I like to refer to my family as "the police"...

because they only show up when there's a problem, make it worse, and usually take money from me.
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The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...
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Why are ships referred to as "she"?

Because they're always wet below.
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It’s been 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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After several visits to the doctor's I've finally been referred to rehab for spending all my days smoking drugs and looking up jokes about cheese.

Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes.
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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

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You shouldn't refer to them as Shit Hole countries.

The proper term is Turd World.

Do you think Bill of the Celtics kids were referred to as

B. Russell Sprouts?
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I have started referring to my household chores as “Workle”.

It usually takes me a minimum of 3 to 4 attempts to get things right.
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A nervous young priest…

is preparing for his first sermon. He goes to the elder bishop for advice, who tells him ‘Take a glass of vodka up with you, and every time you start to feel nervous, take a sip. Everyone will just think it’s water and it’ll help calm you down.’

The young priest follows the wise elders advice...

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...
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My neighbors all refer to me as “The Lawnmower Whisperer.”

Talking with lawnmowers is quite simple, actually. All you have to do is say, “¿Hola, cómo estás, Juan?
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A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...
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I hate when people refer to someone as a Muslim

Are they a Musarm or Musleg? Be specific.
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When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.
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When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies."

Now they are "dot commies."
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How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.
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Why do you refer to a priest as "Father"?

He stopped wanting you to call him daddy after you turned 10.
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the woke kids no longer call refer to "butterflies"

now it's "late stage caterpillism"

She hates when I refer to her as my ex-fiancee

She prefers to be called "my wife."
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Why is school toilet paper referred to as John Wayne?

Because it's rough, tough and won't take shit off anyone

People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.
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Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.
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Reddit reference...

Heard about the new restaurant called 'Karma'?

There's no menu:

You get what you deserve
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Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.
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My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.
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Why do they refer to network ports as female?

Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.
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Everyone says they are sick of my Linkin Park references...

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
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Of the three largest banks, let's refer to them as A, B and C, which one is the least trustworthy?

Bank C, very sketchy.
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
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What term do you use to refer to a Korean’s brothers/sisters?

Next of Kim
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I wonder if flat earthers refer to people who think the world is round as...

'Circle Jerks.'

How does the pope refer to his secret superhero identity?

It's his altar ego.
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I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain.

I hope he's still able to treat me.
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That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference...

THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.
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My girlfriend told me I sound kind of weird when I refer to her parents as father and mother

She told me it's best to shorten it to sound more young and modern

Her parents didn't take it well when I said "Good morning, Fat and Moth"
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How does a buffalo refer to its bisexual male offspring?

Bi-son

I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis

I highly recommended him.
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George Bush and his son like to refer to each other as "41" and "43."

I don't know why they'd be so proud of IQ's that low.
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I feel bad for the jokers that don't get this reference.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apitydef

Apitydef who?

Ok there, Mr. T.
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There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
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What do the Italians refer to the speaker of their church as?

The pasta.
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Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"?

Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"
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One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?
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"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)
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Some refer to the Battle of Little Bighorn as a fiasco, or even a "SNAFU"...

But I think it's best described as a "Custerfuck".

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My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"

He said I am "A major ass set to the company"

How do you refer to a necessary bear?

Pandatory.

Stupid, I know.
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A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...
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He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.
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Why are condoms referred to as "protection"?

I was wearing one yesterday and I still got hit by that bus!
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My wife wants me to stop making movie references

But old habits John McClane
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Little people are often referred to as dwarves...

...but that's a misgnomer
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I have a special, affectionate term I use to refer to my mother. I'll tell you guys, but it's a secret...

So mum's the word.
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A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."

The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the...

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TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation.

I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.

I would post a cheesy joke in reference to Gone With the Wind...

But frankly, my dear, I don’t give Edam
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Came up with a joke that does not refer to sex, dildos, blonds, blacks, cocks, gays or even Trump.

But this isn't it.

"Trick or Treat" refers to Halloween...

...but it also describes potential outcomes of taking an attractive Bangkok waitress back to your hotel room.
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(among us reference) you know what your dad and red had in common.

both of them escaped through the vents
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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"
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Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'
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My wife left me because I made too many linkin park references

oh well, I guess in the end it doesn't even matter.
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I keep seeing references to F. Scott Fitzgerald.

I don't know who this Scott Fitzgerald fellow is but he sure angered a lot of people.
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Gertrude was a very devout woman who had 17 children

One day her husband passed away and Gertrude remarried the next month and had 19 children with her second husband.

After several years her second husband died and she passed away herself some months afterwards.

During the funeral the priest finished the service with the words “they are...
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If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars references...

Well then you are lost
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If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love
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What do you call a reference to the Eye of Sauron?

An optical allusion.
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I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction
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My son asked me this morning what self-reference meant?

[this should explain it](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm6mw)
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Where did the mackerel get the references for its thesis?

From the fish sauce.
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Why are the Middle Ages also referred to as the 'Dark' Ages?

because there were too many *knights*
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