UPJOKE
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Do you think Bill of the Celtics kids were referred to as

B. Russell Sprouts?

How do you refer to a sponge that doesn't want to have anything to do with showers or baths?

Aloofa.

A Canadian beer reference

How can you tell a man who likes Moosehead?

Antler marks on his thighs.

My ex-girlfriend hates being referred to by that title.

She says it's not appropriate for me to call my wife that.

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I refer to my ex-wife as "the plunger"

She just brings up old shit

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

I have started referring to my household chores as “Workle”.

It usually takes me a minimum of 3 to 4 attempts to get things right.

How do car enthusiasts refer to their children?

Same make, different model.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

Proud my girlfriend refers to my junk as a weapon of mass destruction

Unfortunately she meant hard to find.

The only time I ever refer to myself in the third person…

is during a threesome

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

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A New Suit

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem....

Why do people refer to boats as “she”

Because they’re full of seamen.

Memo from Disney Corp. to all staff: Workers will no longer refer to Disneyland as Mauschwitz.

OK, we won't. It's Duckhau.

Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".

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How to write a funny joke:

Now, everyone always says timing is important; we'll get to that, the timing is usually in the punchline.

First you need a premise - it can be simple. A ball. That's the focus.

Some of you are already chuckling because your immature sense of humor has made its own connections with the ...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

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How does a casual-catholic scientist collectively refer to Christmas and Easter church services?

Critical Mass.

{Ba-Dum-Tss}

How does Putin refer to his greatest political allies?

The creme de la Kremlin

The Johnson and Johnson shot could refer to getting the vaccine

or double penetration

How do people from Alabama refer to their ancenstors?

Incestors.

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Why is school toilet paper referred to as John Wayne?

Because it's rough, tough and won't take shit off anyone

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."


But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Why do we refer to problems as pickles?

Because they're Dill-emmas!

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"

I do not like using abbreviations to refer to multiple people

Not et al.

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies."

Now they are "dot commies."

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

Of the three largest banks, let's refer to them as A, B and C, which one is the least trustworthy?

Bank C, very sketchy.

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop speaking in Scooby Doo references...

Alright gang, let's split up.

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Math

I refer to my ex as the human math book… because she has so many fucking problems.

How do refer to a abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled check....

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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

Why are ships referred to as "she"?

Because they're always wet below.

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money.

Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

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The only B word you should refer to a woman as, is beautiful.

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

Hitman kills cheating wife

I heard this one a long time ago.

A man tired of his cheating wife and wants to have her killed. He asked some of his friends and his and as soon referred to a local hitman named Artie.

The man meets Artie in a local bar and tells him that his wife is cheating on him and he wants her w...

What did Bob Ross refer to his children as?

Happy little accidents

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A man was sitting on a bench in the park when a woman walking her dog was passing him

The man asked, “Taking your bitch out for a walk?”

The woman replied, “How dare you refer to dogs that way!?”

The man replied, “I was talking to your dog.”

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

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My proctologist doesn't like it when I refer to him as a "Butt Doctor."

He says it's just ASSinine.

I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain.

I hope he's still able to treat me.

It’s been 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

I like to refer to my family as "the police"...

because they only show up when there's a problem, make it worse, and usually take money from me.

How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.

My girlfriend told me I sound kind of weird when I refer to her parents as father and mother

She told me it's best to shorten it to sound more young and modern

Her parents didn't take it well when I said "Good morning, Fat and Moth"

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.

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How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?

Speed bumps.

If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love

Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.

I feel bad for the jokers that don't get this reference.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apitydef

Apitydef who?

Ok there, Mr. T.

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He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

Do cannibals refer to...

Homeless people as “Free Range”?

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You shouldn't refer to them as Shit Hole countries.

The proper term is Turd World.

My father was a conjoined twin. I always referred to his brother as "my uncle on my father's side."

But everythings ok now. They were able to surgically be separated. He's now "my uncle, once removed."

Library Line

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take y...

My neighbors all refer to me as “The Lawnmower Whisperer.”

Talking with lawnmowers is quite simple, actually. All you have to do is say, “¿Hola, cómo estás, Juan?

I have a special, affectionate term I use to refer to my mother. I'll tell you guys, but it's a secret...

So mum's the word.

I hate when people refer to someone as a Muslim

Are they a Musarm or Musleg? Be specific.

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I wonder if flat earthers refer to people who think the world is round as...

'Circle Jerks.'

George Bush and his son like to refer to each other as "41" and "43."

I don't know why they'd be so proud of IQ's that low.

I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today

Their names aren't even that similar

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Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

What term do you use to refer to a Korean’s brothers/sisters?

Next of Kim

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