I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

The Johnson and Johnson shot could refer to getting the vaccine

or double penetration

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

How do people from Alabama refer to their ancenstors?

Incestors.

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

How does Putin refer to his greatest political allies?

The creme de la Kremlin

Why do people refer to boats as “she”

Because they’re full of seamen.

Why are ships referred to as "she"?

Because they're always wet below.

How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"

"Leagues" in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" refers to horizontal distance, not depth.

Otherwise it would be called "Journey to the Center of the Earth."

How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.

My father was a conjoined twin. I always referred to his brother as "my uncle on my father's side."

But everythings ok now. They were able to surgically be separated. He's now "my uncle, once removed."

Of the three largest banks, let's refer to them as A, B and C, which one is the least trustworthy?

Bank C, very sketchy.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis

I highly recommended him.

I feel bad for the jokers that don't get this reference.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apitydef

Apitydef who?

Ok there, Mr. T.

People always use "Pavlov" as a reference.

But the name doesn't ring a bell.

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

I do not like using abbreviations to refer to multiple people

Not et al.

If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love

Why do we refer to problems as pickles?

Because they're Dill-emmas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"

He said I am "A major ass set to the company"

I would post a cheesy joke in reference to Gone With the Wind...

But frankly, my dear, I don’t give Edam

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some surnames are professions, like Smith. Some refer to ancestors, like Johnson.

Thing is, I’ve never met a Dickin before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex referred to as a dessert?

because it ends in a creampie

I was having a heart attack, so I asked Siri to call me an ambulance.

From that day on Siri refers to me as "an ambulance"

(among us reference) you know what your dad and red had in common.

both of them escaped through the vents

Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references more than 15 years after the show ended.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Cards reference

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference...

THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?

Speed bumps.

What did Bob Ross refer to his children as?

Happy little accidents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don't worry...

I'll return

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

A bar walks into Einstein.

Oops, bad choice of reference frame.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A russian went out of Stalin's office and says to himself

This stupid mustached man.
A KGB officer hears him and grabs him to stalin and tells him what he heard.
Stalin to the man: who did you mean when you said "mustached man".
The man: Hitler of course.
stalin to the KGB officer: And who YOU thought he was referring to?

How do refer to a abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled check....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only B word you should refer to a woman as, is beautiful.

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I didn't stop with the Wham references

I said well, wake me up before you go go.

The keys to success in life:

1. Don't tell everything to everybody.
2. If you are expecting any more, please refer to 1.

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

Little people are often referred to as dwarves...

...but that's a misgnomer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My proctologist doesn't like it when I refer to him as a "Butt Doctor."

He says it's just ASSinine.

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.

Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"?

Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars references...

Well then you are lost

I like to refer to my family as "the police"...

because they only show up when there's a problem, make it worse, and usually take money from me.

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You shouldn't refer to them as Shit Hole countries.

The proper term is Turd World.

People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.

What is do tech companies and drug dealers have in common?

They are the only 2 industries that refer to their customers as ‘users’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What will you say?

A man is selling a colorful parrot and a beautiful woman comes and says "how much for the parrot?"
100$ he kinda speaks, says the man
The lady goes "can't it be a little cheaper?"
As they're negotiating the parrot looks at her and goes "owner, look at this girl! She's a damn prostitute! She...

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wonder if flat earthers refer to people who think the world is round as...

'Circle Jerks.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation sy...

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