Proud my girlfriend refers to my junk as a weapon of mass destruction

Unfortunately she meant hard to find.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refer to my ex-wife as "the plunger"

She just brings up old shit

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

How do car enthusiasts refer to their children?

Same make, different model.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

The only time I ever refer to myself in the third person…

is during a threesome

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is school toilet paper referred to as John Wayne?

Because it's rough, tough and won't take shit off anyone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

Memo from Disney Corp. to all staff: Workers will no longer refer to Disneyland as Mauschwitz.

OK, we won't. It's Duckhau.

Why do people refer to boats as “she”

Because they’re full of seamen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Irishman is so dumb that he could put something over on him easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Italian lawye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a casual-catholic scientist collectively refer to Christmas and Easter church services?

Critical Mass.

{Ba-Dum-Tss}

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

The Johnson and Johnson shot could refer to getting the vaccine

or double penetration

Putin is having a meeting in the Kremlin with his generals on the war in Ukraine.

When the meeting concludes, Sergei Shoigu, Minister of Defense is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath, "wily little prick". However, he is heard by Putin's secretary who immediately reports to his boss. Putin orders Shoigu to be brought back.

When he's back i...

How does Putin refer to his greatest political allies?

The creme de la Kremlin

How do people from Alabama refer to their ancenstors?

Incestors.

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop speaking in Scooby Doo references...

Alright gang, let's split up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Master Chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only...

How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

Why are ships referred to as "she"?

Because they're always wet below.

You know that a person's really old

When they refer to a cell phone as a "telephone"

Why do we refer to problems as pickles?

Because they're Dill-emmas!

I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain.

I hope he's still able to treat me.

We had a reverse name day in school today

We had to refer to eachother by our names spelt backwards.

And now I hate my parents for calling me Lana

Did you hear about the guy who immediately found a job after quitting from the helium factory?

Their references spoke very highly of them.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight...

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do yo...

There was a skinny bus conductor and a buff guy...

Whenever the buff guy traveled the bus and conductor came to him for the ticket, buff guy says I don't buy tickets.

The conductor always meekly went away.



One day the conductor got tired of this and joined the gym.

After some time he too got buff.



Next day...

When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies."

Now they are "dot commies."

I do not like using abbreviations to refer to multiple people

Not et al.

Of the three largest banks, let's refer to them as A, B and C, which one is the least trustworthy?

Bank C, very sketchy.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

Donald Trump refers to the Coronavirus as the “Chinese Virus” because...

... he’s had enough of the Spanish Flu

How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.

If you didn't hear already, Meat Loaf died

Henceforth referred to as Ground Beef

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.



Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.



The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say...

you know you're getting old...

... when your family doctor refers you to an archeologist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

I feel bad for the jokers that don't get this reference.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apitydef

Apitydef who?

Ok there, Mr. T.

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's an implant...

A business man walks into a bar to order a drink.

After placing his order with the bartender, there comes a cell phone jingle. You know, like the one for an incoming call.

Rather than reaching into his pocket for his phone, he cups his hand against the side of his face instead. To the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

How do refer to a abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled check....

It’s been 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

My father was a conjoined twin. I always referred to his brother as "my uncle on my father's side."

But everythings ok now. They were able to surgically be separated. He's now "my uncle, once removed."

I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis

I highly recommended him.

Random insightful life (by Bob Gray)

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

What did Bob Ross refer to his children as?

Happy little accidents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad's friend told me when I was way too young

Going off the dome for this one but it's been burned in my head since I was 8; apologies if it's been told before (couldn't find a direct post). Also, this joke, is uh, from a different era? Apologies again.

There was a woman who found herself recently single after her abusive husband suddenl...

A man walks into a library. “Where are your books on BDSM?”

The librarian does not look up from her reference book. “I’m sorry sir, they are still being bound.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only B word you should refer to a woman as, is beautiful.

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

My girlfriend told me I sound kind of weird when I refer to her parents as father and mother

She told me it's best to shorten it to sound more young and modern

Her parents didn't take it well when I said "Good morning, Fat and Moth"

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

People always use "Pavlov" as a reference.

But the name doesn't ring a bell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"

He said I am "A major ass set to the company"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frog walked into a bank for a loan.

He took a number and when it was his turn walked up to the available teller. Noticing her name placard said Patricia Wack, he said “Hello Patricia, I demand a 10 thousand dollar loan for a new business venture.” Astonished at the circumstances she found herself in, the teller told the frog she would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex referred to as a dessert?

because it ends in a creampie

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

I like to refer to my family as "the police"...

because they only show up when there's a problem, make it worse, and usually take money from me.

I would post a cheesy joke in reference to Gone With the Wind...

But frankly, my dear, I don’t give Edam

Cards reference

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes ...

(UK reference) Whats' an aircraft mechanic's favourite Oasis song?

Don't Look Back in Hangar.

People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.

Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.

I've heard Parler referred to lately as OnlyKlans, Fashbook, OkStupid, and HickTock

But I draw the line at "Inbreddit".

(among us reference) you know what your dad and red had in common.

both of them escaped through the vents

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Theres only three buisnesses that refer to their customers as users.

Software, porn, and drug dealing

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.