How did the Chesapeake crab refer to his ex-wife?

His Old Bay

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

Memo from Disney Corp. to all staff: Workers will no longer refer to Disneyland as Mauschwitz.

OK, we won't. It's Duckhau.

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

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How does a casual-catholic scientist collectively refer to Christmas and Easter church services?

Critical Mass.

{Ba-Dum-Tss}

Why do people refer to boats as “she”

Because they’re full of seamen.

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop speaking in Scooby Doo references...

Alright gang, let's split up.

I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain.

I hope he's still able to treat me.

The Johnson and Johnson shot could refer to getting the vaccine

or double penetration

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

How do people from Alabama refer to their ancenstors?

Incestors.

How does Putin refer to his greatest political allies?

The creme de la Kremlin

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

Why are ships referred to as "she"?

Because they're always wet below.

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"

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He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

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I don't like to call it "masterbation"

I refer to it as a "do it yourself project"

Of the three largest banks, let's refer to them as A, B and C, which one is the least trustworthy?

Bank C, very sketchy.

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies."

Now they are "dot commies."

Why do we refer to problems as pickles?

Because they're Dill-emmas!

I do not like using abbreviations to refer to multiple people

Not et al.

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".

The local priest is tired of people telling him they cheated in confession

One Sunday near the end of mass he tells his congregation that he doesn’t like hearing people are cheating. He tells the church from now on refer to cheating as “slipping” in confession.

This goes on all spring and summer and when winter comes around the priest decided to retire. He forgot to...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Man talking to his wife and asks “honey, where did you place the broken condoms?”

Wife: please stop referring to our kids as broken condoms, and they are at football practice

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A jew, a black guy and a redneck are stranded on a desert island.

A jew, a black guy and a redneck are stranded on a desert island. They've been there for a few weeks, they're running out of food and their signal fire was extinguished by a freak storm.

Then one day, the jew returns to the others from scavenging and takes the various things he found out of a...

My father was a conjoined twin. I always referred to his brother as "my uncle on my father's side."

But everythings ok now. They were able to surgically be separated. He's now "my uncle, once removed."

I feel bad for the jokers that don't get this reference.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apitydef

Apitydef who?

Ok there, Mr. T.

Do you know any maths jokes?

Yeah |ly|

When I was learning trigonometry my teacher explained the trig functions by referencing the unit circle. And when I asked about the unit circle she referred me to the functions.

I said miss this seems like circular reasoning to me

The long distance relationship

A guy walks into his usual local bar and orders a beer. "All alone tonight? Where's your girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "My girlfriend and I are trying this whole 'long-distance relationship thing'," he tells the bartender. "Well, that can be hard," the bartender says. "You're telling me. I have t...

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Awful puns are jokes too.

I was telling my mate Edward that I couldn't stop referring to myself as male genetalia. He told me I could stop any time I wanted.

I said, "No, I'm a dick, Ted."

I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis

I highly recommended him.

If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love

People always use "Pavlov" as a reference.

But the name doesn't ring a bell.

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

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An American husband and wife are visiting a small town in France for their anniversary.

They decide to get brunch at a cute little cafe near their hotel.

After being seated and deliberating the short menu, the waiter arrives and asks, in a thick French accent, "allo, ca va?"

The man stops him, "Ah, sorry, we don't speak French. Do you--"

"--Ah, oui, not a problem. ...

Reddit /r/jokes in 2028

A post: Someone saying 55.

Lots of comments, everyone laughing.

Another: 128

Again, hilarity ensues.

A new guy comes in and asks what this is supposed to mean.

A comment: Well, we realized that we're just telling the same jokes over and over and over again, so we j...

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My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"

He said I am "A major ass set to the company"

A tourist enters a pub where a r/Jokes convention is held

He walks to the bar and orders a beer. Meanwhile, the speaker on the stage approaches the microphone and says: "4032!"

Several people in the pub chuckle.

The man on stage then says, "351". Again, quite a few people in the pub chuckle.

Irritated by what he's witnessing, the touri...

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I called in on my doctor yesterday because I had found deep inside between my buttocks a full-stop and also a comma just below it.

He took one look, paused for a moment, and then referred me for a semi-colonoscopy.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

I would post a cheesy joke in reference to Gone With the Wind...

But frankly, my dear, I don’t give Edam

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

It’s been 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

How do refer to a abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled check....

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

What did Bob Ross refer to his children as?

Happy little accidents

Cards reference

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes ...

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A man goes to the doctors with a sore bum

He states he doesn't know what's causing the pain.

So the doctor begins to examine his rear and asks specifically where the pain is.

The man replies "At the entrance, that's where it's sore!"

The doctor replies "Well for as long as your refer to that as an 'entrance' there's goi...

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don't worry...

I'll return

(among us reference) you know what your dad and red had in common.

both of them escaped through the vents

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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

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The only B word you should refer to a woman as, is beautiful.

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

My friend got a job at the power plant.

He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”

That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference...

THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.

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My proctologist doesn't like it when I refer to him as a "Butt Doctor."

He says it's just ASSinine.

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.

I like to refer to my family as "the police"...

because they only show up when there's a problem, make it worse, and usually take money from me.

People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

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Theres only three buisnesses that refer to their customers as users.

Software, porn, and drug dealing

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I didn't stop with the Wham references

I said well, wake me up before you go go.

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You shouldn't refer to them as Shit Hole countries.

The proper term is Turd World.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

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Donkey Woman

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say'...

When we got married, my partner turned into A wife.

After our first big argument I started referring to her as my B wife.

She's now up to S wife with just 5 more chances before she becomes the X wife.

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

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I wonder if flat earthers refer to people who think the world is round as...

'Circle Jerks.'

Little people are often referred to as dwarves...

...but that's a misgnomer

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today

Their names aren't even that similar

Do cannibals refer to...

Homeless people as “Free Range”?

My neighbors all refer to me as “The Lawnmower Whisperer.”

Talking with lawnmowers is quite simple, actually. All you have to do is say, “¿Hola, cómo estás, Juan?

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars references...

Well then you are lost

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