I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

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How does a casual-catholic scientist collectively refer to Christmas and Easter church services?

Critical Mass.

{Ba-Dum-Tss}

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop speaking in Scooby Doo references...

Alright gang, let's split up.

The Johnson and Johnson shot could refer to getting the vaccine

or double penetration

Why do people refer to boats as “she”

Because they’re full of seamen.

How do people from Alabama refer to their ancenstors?

Incestors.

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

How does Putin refer to his greatest political allies?

The creme de la Kremlin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

Why are ships referred to as "she"?

Because they're always wet below.

How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"

How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.

Of the three largest banks, let's refer to them as A, B and C, which one is the least trustworthy?

Bank C, very sketchy.

My father was a conjoined twin. I always referred to his brother as "my uncle on my father's side."

But everythings ok now. They were able to surgically be separated. He's now "my uncle, once removed."

I do not like using abbreviations to refer to multiple people

Not et al.

I feel bad for the jokers that don't get this reference.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apitydef

Apitydef who?

Ok there, Mr. T.

Why do we refer to problems as pickles?

Because they're Dill-emmas!

I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis

I highly recommended him.

If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

People always use "Pavlov" as a reference.

But the name doesn't ring a bell.

My friend got a job at the power plant.

He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".

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My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"

He said I am "A major ass set to the company"

I would post a cheesy joke in reference to Gone With the Wind...

But frankly, my dear, I don’t give Edam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donkey Woman

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say'...

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Why is sex referred to as a dessert?

because it ends in a creampie

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

It’s been 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

(among us reference) you know what your dad and red had in common.

both of them escaped through the vents

(UK reference) Whats' an aircraft mechanic's favourite Oasis song?

Don't Look Back in Hangar.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

Cards reference

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

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I was telling my friend in the pub about how I was having sex with this woman and she farted.

"I imagine that doesn't happen very often," he replied.

"No," I joked, "I didn't even know women did it."

He said, "I wasn't referring to that part."

What did Bob Ross refer to his children as?

Happy little accidents

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How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?

Speed bumps.

That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference...

THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.

How do refer to a abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled check....

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don't worry...

I'll return

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only B word you should refer to a woman as, is beautiful.

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

I identify as binary...

Please refer to me as 01001000 01100101

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doctor,I've soreness in the entrance my asshole!"

"I can understand why and it will continue as long as you refer it as an Entrance" .

Some people call Americans grossly obese

>!We prefer to refer to it as ’Manifest Density’!<

I was having a heart attack, so I asked Siri to call me an ambulance.

From that day on Siri refers to me as "an ambulance"

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My proctologist doesn't like it when I refer to him as a "Butt Doctor."

He says it's just ASSinine.

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I didn't stop with the Wham references

I said well, wake me up before you go go.

Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Theres only three buisnesses that refer to their customers as users.

Software, porn, and drug dealing

I like to refer to my family as "the police"...

because they only show up when there's a problem, make it worse, and usually take money from me.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Little people are often referred to as dwarves...

...but that's a misgnomer

People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You shouldn't refer to them as Shit Hole countries.

The proper term is Turd World.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars references...

Well then you are lost

Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"?

Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wonder if flat earthers refer to people who think the world is round as...

'Circle Jerks.'

Donald Duck has been hanged!

He is now in what we refer to as a state of suspended animation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A russian went out of Stalin's office and says to himself

This stupid mustached man.
A KGB officer hears him and grabs him to stalin and tells him what he heard.
Stalin to the man: who did you mean when you said "mustached man".
The man: Hitler of course.
stalin to the KGB officer: And who YOU thought he was referring to?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Still finishing his screening paperwork, a man is called back for his doctor appointment...

The doctor walks into the room, and notices that the patient is struggling to grasp the pen as he fills out his paperwork.


Doctor: I see here that your appointment is due to hearing loss, though I can't help but notice you've got a little carpal tunnel. Have you had that looked at?
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today

Their names aren't even that similar

My neighbors all refer to me as “The Lawnmower Whisperer.”

Talking with lawnmowers is quite simple, actually. All you have to do is say, “¿Hola, cómo estás, Juan?

Do cannibals refer to...

Homeless people as “Free Range”?

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