Description Jokes - 69 Hilarious Description Jokes

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

What's the description of someone's inability to hear?

A deafinition.

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

Joke in description

There was a child,
His teacher asked him to learn the first four letters of the alphabet,
He asked his mom for the first and she said “shut up” because she was on the phone,
He asked his dad for the second and he said “180!” because he was playing darts,
He asked his sister for the third...

The description of r/jokes says:

Hundreds of jokes posted here everyday, and some of them aren't even reposts.

The real joke is always in the description!!!

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

The description is hilarious!

The title is deeply misinformed.

I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself.

"Poli-" meaning "many",

"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.

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Police have released a description of the person they're after;

White male, dark hair, moustache, is 6' 1,

And all I could think was;

Fuck me that's a big moustache.

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Last week I submitted a ten page in depth technical description of my groundbreaking invention to a prestigious journal... but it didn't get published.

They said I should just call a spade a spade.

A teacher asked a student for a description of the graph of y=cos(x).

The student just shrugged.

I use this for my Tinder description and it works.

"I fist bumped Chuck Norris once and survived".

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

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What most job descriptions really mean:

"the ability to learn new things" - you'll need this ability to learn how to pull salary for two months, how to make food economy, etc.

"young team" - we can not afford than students ;

"young and dynamic environment" - we change students each year;

"with the desire for self-impr...

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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What are your favorite 'Moral of the story' jokes? Mine is one I posted on here once before. [In description]

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream.
In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."
Alongside the str...

Why does pirate likes to eat pie?

Because PIE RATING is in their job description.

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

Why was princess Zelda sad after watching a bunch of YouTube videos?

She couldn't find the link in the description.

I have recently become known among friends and neighbors for being ruthless....

Stupid description for someone whose wife is named Ruth and who has filed for divorce.

A defense Lawyer was cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who pr...

Electricians and Gynecologists

Electricians and Gynecologists have the same job description.

They both remove your shorts and check your box.

so a guy walks into te doctors office,

and he says "hey man, I have really bad back pain" the doctor asks why, and the guy says "Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th...

Missing

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, we...

Mugged

A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

A Two-Fold Accident

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there's glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat....

A man and his wife went to a new restaurant...

A waiter soon comes up to their table.
Waiter: Good evening, what would you like to order?
Wife: I would like to have the salad, no nuts, please.
Waiter: Certainly, ma'am.

The man quickly leans over to his wife.
Man: But there isn't any mention of nuts in the menu de...

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "De...

A general is inspecting the drydock where an advanced prototype is in the final stages of commissioning.

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it's ready for ...

I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs.

"Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked.

"Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."

"I think your car just got keyed by some guy..." I told a man in the street.

"Can't you give me a better description?" he said.

"OK," I replied, "some gentleman swiped his tender hand across the metallic section of your motor vehicle, sir."

A husband, so proud...

....of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of 6" rather than by her first name. The wife was amused at first.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of 6, get me a beer!" This type of situation rose to...

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A koala walks into...

a brothel, and chooses one of the ladies of the evening. They go to her room and the koala asks if he can eat her out. The prostitute says "yes", after the koala is done he gets off the bed and starts to leave. The prostitute stops him and says "where are you going, you have to pay me", the koala sa...

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Two thieves break into a man's house...

The man wakes up in the middle of a night and runs down stairs but the thieves escape over the fence so he calls the police. The police get to his house and ask what happened; the mans says: "Well the robbers took off with my personal computer and nothing else before I scared them away", the police ...

Back in the 1960s there lived an Italian mobster…

He was known throughout New York City as “L’incubo”(the nightmare), as he would commit the most heinous of crimes, but only at night. The police have searched every single day for him, but to no avail.

Rapidly losing hope, five policemen stopped to pray at a nearby church during their break. ...

My grandfather has a French rifle from WW2 for sale on eBay

The description reads "never fired. Dropped once "

Being genetically engineered, evaluated, selected, and trained from birth to be a super-soldier...

before being deployed to a fight a technologically inferior foe in a far-off country to secure economic gains for your overseers, then being either left to die or executed for convenience, is either the plot of a dark and kickass dystopian fiction novel, or a technically accurate description of the ...

A snail is walking home from the pub one night, when he gets beaten up and mugged by two slugs...

He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.

"To be honest, it all happened so fast..."

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I was walking through the park and came across this guy typing on an old-fashioned typewriter.

He tapped his chin for a second before saying, "Othello" and began typing away.

Being the curious jerk that I am, I peered over his shoulder to see what he was doing.

He had typed "Othello" on one line and followed it with a description of the name as classically used in the English ...

In 8th grade english class I wrote a script titled "The Pun"

The very first set description in the script said that the stage was to be painted over with random words and phrases.

When I handed in the assignment, my teacher came up to me and asked: "Why is your script titled 'The Pun' and why is the floor covered with phrases?"

"Because m...

My friend phoned me.

He said, "My wife has lost her new puppy. It's a fat hairy thing with bulbous eyes."

I said, "Great description, but what about the dog?"

You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub?

You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub?

When people repeat the title in the description.

There was a sign on a shop window. It said "Looking for a full-time cleaner. Give us a call."

So I phoned them up and said, "I saw the notice in your window. I think I might be able to help."

"Oh yes?" replied an eager voice.

"Yes," I said. "If you give me a description of their appearance I can go out and search for them."

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

Some guy stole my wife's car

I asked her if she got a description of the guy. She said, "No, but don't worry, I got the license plate number."

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Joe goes to the doctor because his penis has turned yellow.

Upon hearing Joe's description of the problem, the doctor examines Joe and exclaims "Wow you're right. It's bright yellow! I've never seen such a thing. How long has it been yellow?"

Joe says "I only noticed it about two days but I dont know how it happened doc."

The doc says "Well, ha...

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Nice dog...

A man was walking down the street when he observed a funeral passing by. The strange procession consisted of two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind him were about 20 men of all descriptions, marching along in step. The guy watching all of this was so puzzled by the odd parade that h...

Local sausage restaurant starts a YouTube channel...

Links in the description.

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New Job!!

A young guy living in Boston recently became unemployed and he immediately went to the nearest job center where he noticed a flyer pinned to the job board seeking a "Gynecologist's Assistant to work at a newly-built 'Soothing Approach Gynecology Center', no experience required".
He was very inter...

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February 15th - the Aftermath reminded me of a joke

When I saw a [thread](http://imgur.com/yKGB2Z6) on the aftermath of Valentines Day it reminded me of a joke - goes like this.

Boy walks into a pharmacy and walks over near the condom aisle passing by a few time looking very nervous. The pharmacist, a male, decides to take mercy on him and wal...

What's the difference between an American zoo and a Chinese zoo?

An American zoo will only have a description of the animal. The Chinese zoo has the price and recipe of the animal.

A snail gets robbed by two turtles.

The police interview the snail, asking for descriptions of the suspects.
"I don't know," the snail says. "It all just happened so fast."

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So a panda walks into a bar

A panda walks into a bar one day and orders a sandwich. The server brings it over to him, and he eats it quietly. The panda then pulls out a gun, and shoots the server. The bartender stands up in shock and ask him just what the hell he thinks he's doing. The panda simply replies, "I'm a panda, dumba...

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An anthropologist visits a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he says. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiles. "Ah yes, it is difficult to find them. This particular tribe has little interest in Westerners. But they will still meet with ...

Car Keys

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is,...

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

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Alabama Wedding

Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.

"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"

The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.

"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorg...

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There were 3 men...

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.To he first he said “what was your biggest sin on earth?” and the man replied “Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk man” so the devil showed the man to a room ful...

A woman reports her husband's disappearance to the police . . .

They ask her for a description and she says "He's six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair."

Her friend says, "What are you talking about? Your husband is five-foot-four, bald and overweight."

And she says "Who wants that one back?"

A traveler comes across a Native American with is ear against the ground in the middle of the prarie

The Traveler: Hey what are you doing there guy?
With his ear pressed to the ground the native american says "Two white men... 3 horses and a covered wagon... traveling north-west"
The Traveler: Wow, thats impressive! You can tell all that by listening to the ground?
Still lying on the grou...

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A scouser walked into the job centre.

A scouser walked into the local job centre to pick up his dole cheque
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know; I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening...

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