Appoint Jokes - 108 Hilarious Appoint Jokes

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

Why did the Grim Reaper schedule an appointment with his eye doctor?

He was having issues with his death perception.

A mother takes her teenage daughter to her gynecologist appointment

The doctor performs a routine test and discovers the teen is pregnant. Her mother's face turns beet red. If smoke could escape her ears, it would fill the room.

The daughter pleads, "Mother, the doctor must be wrong, I've never even kissed a boy!!"

Upon hearing this, the doctor get up ...

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the...

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A guy calls for a doctor's appointment.

When the receptionist answers he says, "I need to see the doctor, I got something wrong with my dick." The receptionist says, "You need to clean up your language if you come to this office, there's lots of patients here who don't want to hear that. When you come in if you have to mention it, just sa...

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.

He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"

"1484"

Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"

"Wednesday"

Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the...

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

"My first appointment with a new dentist!!"

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.
<...

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Appointment

I travel for work, and it sometimes decreases how often we get to have “sexy time.” I knew that I’d have to leave today, so last night when we went to bed I was all riled up and went over to kiss my wife. She said “honey you know I can’t, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow!” And I thought “...

Then Ok!

Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "No."

Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."

Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*

\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*

Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates: "No."

Dad: "My son is the CEO of...

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My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

He said, “If I ever need your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

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A lady comes home from her doctors appointment grinning from ear to ear

Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation....

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

Gynecologist appointment

A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist, but oversleeps and wakes up 30 minutes before her morning appointment.

She has to drop her daughter at school first, so she runs to the bathroom and quickly wipes her neither regions with a flannel lying on the side of the bath and runs out th...

Why did Snoop Dogg bring worms to his doctors appointment ?

Because he was told that he was going see some fizzishin.

A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now...

An Elderly Couple Make an Appointment with a Divorce Attorney

The attorney is perplexed:

“You’re over 90 years old, and you’ve been married for close to 7 decades! Why, after all this time, do you want a divorce?”

The couple look at each other:

“We wanted to wait until the kids died.”

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A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII

(This is an oldie that was an ad once upon a time.)

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears

'Mayday! Mayday!'

'Mayday!'

'We're sinking!'

The German o...

What's ironic about being late to your Optometrist appointment?

They can't see you.

This dude goes to his dental appointment

The dentist is flossing his teeth.

Dentist: "So, when's the last time you flossed your teeth?"

Dude: "Bro!!! You don't remember?!"

"You were there!"

I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went

But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them

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At the medical appointment

Patient: every day at 8 am I poop

Doctor: this is good, what is the problem?

Patient: is that I wake up at 9

At Polish man has an appointment at the oculist

The doctor shows him a sign:.

WYRZYKOWTACZ.

Doctor: "Could you read those letters?"

Polish patient: "Letters? I know that guy!"

Superman has to make a doctor appointment...

The doctor is baffled when he walks into the patient room and finds THE Superman sitting on the bench.

"Erm... hello Superman, what seems to be the problem? I'm going to be honest I didn't realize that the man of steel needed to go to the doctor.."

Clearly uncomfortable Superman lowe...

I had an appointment with a microbiologist today

But I couldn't find him

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Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

An older man is at a routine doctors appointment

Everything checks out, and he appears to be in good health.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor asks him if “he had any questions?”

The old man replies “no, I’m okay, but I am concerned about my wife; I don’t think her hearing is what it used to be.”

“That happens with ag...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

I had two opposite opinions at my last hospital appointment

It was a pair o' docs.

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A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the doctor’s office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor st...

A man comes home for his nutritionist appointment.

He tells his wife, "These doctors need to get their act together. This one told me stay away from chips, but the other one told me to get the vaccine."

I was late to my urology appointment today

When I walked in, the receptionist said “urine trouble”

I told my wife I wanted to be creamated.

She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Edit : Dangit. I meant cremated... Where were ya on that one autocorrect..? 🤦🏻‍♂️

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Doctor’s appointment

I went to the doctor’s recently to get tested for some STDs (it has been a crazy year, guys)
So I went into his Office and told him about my situation... When I was done explaining I asked him:
“So... How are we going to do this?”
He looked at me, smiled and Said:
“Well, son, you’ve hear...

What time does the Asian dentist schedule their appointments?

She doesn't: the office staff schedule them on her behalf at different times throughout the day.

A vet had an doctor appointment.

So he gets in doctor's office and sits down.

Doc: Tell me what's wrong.

Vet: You have it so easy don't you, Doc.

I have an appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor I don't know.

A doctor's appointment

A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.

"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.

"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."

Trump should appoint Sarah Palin as the Administrator of NASA.

I know, I know, I could've stopped it there, but here's the punchline:

I mean, we must be fair and give her some consideration, because she does make a good argument: she can see the moon from her house.

“Hey Grandma, how was your doctors appointment?”

“I think the doctor was flirting with me. He told me I have acute angina!”

What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem?

Disappointment

You know when you have a dentist appointment so you brush your teeth extra to have a clean mouth?

Well, I have a prostate exam coming up. Now I need a new toothbrush.

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

Cable Appointment

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

An odd dentist appointment

A woman is at a dentist appointment and is looking scared. The dentist, trying to alleviate some of the tension, asks if she knows how latex gloves are made. She replies, “No,” and he tells her men dip their hands in a vat of latex and wait for it to dry, effectively creating a latex glove. The woma...

My friend had an doctor appointment...

One day, my friend had an doctor's appointment and he told me he didn't want to go. He asked me if he could try to avoid it.

I replied: Then call in sick.

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

Doctor’s appointment

Man: I would like to schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Receptionist: Alright, which doctor?

Man: Oh no, not the witch doctor he creeps me out. Just a regular doctor please.

My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is

“Tooth hurty”

A man walks into his psychiatrist appointment wearing nothing but cellophane

The shrink takes one look at him and says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

An old Soviet joke

A Soviet delegation visits an American car factory.

"Whose factory is that?" asks a Soviet visitor.

"It belongs to capitalist billionaire Henry Ford," answers the American guide.

"And whose are the hundreds of cars in the parking lot?" asks the visitor.

"They belong to th...

What’s a perverted dentists favourite part of an appointment?

The cavity search

Patient: I need a doctors appointment please. Receptionist: Ok, how about 10 tomorrow?

Patient: No, I don’t need that many.

Me scheduling a a doctors appointment

Me: Hello i would like to schedule an appointment

Receptionits: Yeah just give me a second... How about 10 tommorrow

Me: No thanks, that's way too many

A duck named Bill is finishing up his appointment with his veterinarian.

Bill - “Doc, I really think you should see a psychiatrist. It’s not natural that you can understand me”

Doc - “Don’t worry Bill, it’s this new over the counter drug I’m trying.”

Bill - “Sounds like quack.”

Doc - “No, actually crack and it seems like I need some more”

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Husband & Wife Negotiating the “Nudge”

Husband and Wife are laying in bed. The husband rolls over and gives his wife the nudge. She says, not tonight honey. No sex tonight. I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning. I will make it up to you.
The husband agrees and rolls back over. A few minutes pass and the husband roll...

Ugh I have a dentist appointment tomorrow

It's at 2:30

True story. I didn't notice it was funny until my gf told me

Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.

"W...

An old lady went for a doctor appointment

Old lady : I seen to fart a lot, but there isn’t any sound or smell, what’s the problem?

Doctor after examining her: I know what the problem is, take this pill three times a day and come back one month later.

1 month later

Old lady: I don’t know what you put in those pills but ...

Appointing a class monitor..

*Teacher*: What do you do after school?

*1st Student*: I go and buy weed from Yakobo

*2nd Student*: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.

*3rd Student*: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.

*4th Student*: I always stay at home and do my homework.

*Teacher:* You ...

Maurice is 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.

His doctor asks him a few questions: "Do you have any problems urinating?"

Maurice replies "No, Doctor. It's very regular, every morning at 7am."

"And what about your bowel movements?"

Maurice replies "They're fine also, Doctor. Every morning at 8am."

"So then why did you...

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

A 70 year old man named George goes in for a doctors appointment.

All of his physical tests yield normal result, so the doctor asks George if he is feeling well mentally, which George replies he is. He is then asked if he has a good relationship with his god. George explains that when he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, the light automatical...

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For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last semen sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

A man goes in to the doctor's office to cancel an appointment.

Lady at the desk tells him that it's a $200 charge for cancelling without one week notice.

Guy asks how much does it cost to reschedule and the lady says it's free.

"Ok so I need to reschedule for two weeks out"

"Is three weeks ok?"

"Perfect"

"Alright, you're set f...

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

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I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

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The Doctor's Appointment

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a cr...

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

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I went to my doctor's office for an appointment.

I'm talking to my doctor and he tells me that I'm going to have to stop masturbating. I say, Doctor, what's the matter what is wrong?!
And he says to me "Well, I'm trying to examine you."

Not sure who came up with this joke but I've always enjoyed it.

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Help my boy laugh through his urology appointment!

I need every (non-sexual) ball and dick joke you can think of. My 8-year-old is at a urology appointment and is nervous. I’m lightening the mood.

Stuff like “what’s the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snow balls”

Thanks in advance!

I cancelled my doctor's appointment recently

I was disappointed

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A guy attends an appointment with a psychiatrist...

The doctor tells him he's going to administer the Rorschach (ink blot) test.

The Doc shows him the first ink blot and asks him what he sees.

The guy says, " The tip of a man's penis against a woman's back."

"And the second ink blot?"

The guy answers, "Two women making lov...

The new Joker went to see a doctor for his mental health, but didn't make an appointment.

It was a Joaquin.

Why do Old People have so many Doctors appointments?

So they don't get bored in retirement.

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

I got called off from my appointment today.

I'm disappointed.

My kid's pediatrician cancelled my appointment because i was 5 minutes late

He has very little patients.

Doctor's Appointment

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room and says, "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter."
"Excuse me?" says the husband.
"That's what the doctor said. My pr...

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Still finishing his screening paperwork, a man is called back for his doctor appointment...

The doctor walks into the room, and notices that the patient is struggling to grasp the pen as he fills out his paperwork.

Doctor: I see here that your appointment is due to hearing loss, though I can't help but notice you've got a little carpal tunnel. Have you had that looked at?
...

Which Pokemon was appointed to head the department of agriculture?

Chard czar

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Today I had a doctors appointment for premature ejaculation

It was at 4, when I got there, it was only 3. I guess I accidentally came early.

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A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs a...

I always schedule my appointments at 9:11..

.. so I never forget.

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An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.

*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?

*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.

The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.

*Doctor:* That...

I canceled my appointment at the sperm bank.

I told them I was sorry but I couldn't cum.

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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :

" God...

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A New Zealander fell asleep during his appointment at the clinic.

He was asked to count his sexual partners.

>!baaaaaaa!<

Doctor Appointment

**Doctor**: I have bad news and worse news; the bad news, you only have 24 hours left to live.

**Guy**: Oh no, how can the other news possibly be worse?

**Doctor**: Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

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Why are you putting your sexy lingerie? It's just a dentist appointment after all.

\- Yeah, but what if he is a pervert?

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My local sperm bank doesn't take donations by appointment.

It's first cum first serve.

A wife has a gynecologist appointment tomorrow

A husband and wife were lying in bed. Getting in the mood, he started caressing her to turn her on.

"Sorry," she said, "I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to make sure I'm fresh and undisturbed before she inspects me."

He rolled over, feeling a little disappointed. ...

Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning.

After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

My wife had an appointment at the hairdressers this morning

Before she left the house she said to me 'I fancy having a different cut for a change, what sort of cut do you think would make me look attractive?'
Apparently, a power cut wasn't the answer she was looking for
I'm sure my bruises will soon fade

I made an appointment with my doctor because I couldn’t get an erection.

But I later had to cancel because something came up.

I scheduled an appointment with the lady who does my eyebrows

She said she could pencil me in.

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A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist...

and while she freshens up beforehand, she grabs a spray from her older daughters room who's 17 and sprays her ladyparts.

She goes to the appointment, and her gynecologist is like "My, we dressed up today, right?".

And she's super pissed, picks her two daughters up from school and fumes...

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A priest is running late for an appointment

so he asks the altar boy to help him with the confessions.

"If someone comes for a confession, go to the confessional and pretend to be me. When they tell you their sin look it up on this reference book and tell them their penance"

Now that the altar boy is in charge a girl comes ...

The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her a...

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So, I had a doctors appointment yesterday.

I was sitting in the exam room in the paper gown when in walks the most gorgeous doctor I've ever seen. She picked up my chart and looked over it for a few minutes. Finally, she looked up and said, "Mr. Cow, you're going to have to stop masturbating." I said, "Why?!" She said, "Because I'm trying t...

I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day...

When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.

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