A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.

He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"

"1484"

Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"

"Wednesday"

Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the doctor’s office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor st...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

A vet had an doctor appointment.

So he gets in doctor's office and sits down.

Doc: Tell me what's wrong.

Vet: You have it so easy don't you, Doc.

An appointment with the doctor

I sat waiting in the waiting room for 14 minutes and 32 anxious seconds, then was called went in, The doctor invited me to sit and put both hands flatly on the desk, turning his head to one side and said I've got all your results, I've got good news and bad news first the good news your not a Hypo...

Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.

"W...

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Doctors appointment

Doctor: So what brought you here?

Patient: Everytime someone tells me to cum I ejaculate immediately

Doctor: Come again?

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A doctor's appointment

Woman: Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day. What can I give him?


Doctor: My number

I've got an appointment with my psychic next week....

but she's just phoned me to say that I can't make it.

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Just ring up and say you can't cum!

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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

My friend had an doctor appointment...

One day, my friend had an doctor's appointment and he told me he didn't want to go. He asked me if he could try to avoid it.


I replied: Then call in sick.

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Why are you putting your sexy lingerie? It's just a dentist appointment after all.

\- Yeah, but what if he is a pervert?

Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, George, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoo...

A man walked into a doctor's office and asked for and appointment

the receptionist replied, "ok ,how about 10 tomorrow?"

To which the man said, "No I don't need that many"

Appointment at the doctor

Sir, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, the rectal exam went well.

The bad news is, I'm the janitor.

I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day...

When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-f...

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

An old lady went for a doctor appointment

Old lady : I seen to fart a lot, but there isn’t any sound or smell, what’s the problem?

Doctor after examining her: I know what the problem is, take this pill three times a day and come back one month later.

1 month later

Old lady: I don’t know what you put in those pills but ...

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

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A man books an appointment for an abnormally large penis

He books the appointment with doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man mus...

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A couple goes to a sex therapist..

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks i...

A teacher asks her students what they do after school.

Teacher : "What do you do after school?"

Student #1 : "I always go buy cigarettes from Yakobo"

Student #2 : "I go to buy weed from Yakobo"

Student #3 : "I go to buy cocaine from Yakobo"

Student #4 : "I always stay at home and do my homework"

Teacher : \*points at...

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

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I went to my doctor's office for an appointment.

I'm talking to my doctor and he tells me that I'm going to have to stop masturbating. I say, Doctor, what's the matter what is wrong?!
And he says to me "Well, I'm trying to examine you."

Not sure who came up with this joke but I've always enjoyed it.

The perfect time for a dentist appointment: 2:30

Why, you may ask?

Because: >!Tooth Hurty!<

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

What do a doctor's appointment and Reddit video have in common?

You wait 2 hours to see them for 2 minutes.

What’s a perverted dentists favourite part of an appointment?

The cavity search

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

A young lady and an older one were riding through town in the same carriage.

The older lady asked the younger if she wouldn't mind taking a detour down the cobblestone road which runs past the old church. The younger lady had no objection, and the older directed the driver, who turned at the appointed street. Unlike the brick of the main streets, however, the cobblestone roa...

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

A man goes in to the doctor's office to cancel an appointment.

Lady at the desk tells him that it's a $200 charge for cancelling without one week notice.

Guy asks how much does it cost to reschedule and the lady says it's free.

"Ok so I need to reschedule for two weeks out"

"Is three weeks ok?"

"Perfect"

"Alright, you're set f...

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My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

He said, “If I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

Which Pokemon was appointed to head the department of agriculture?

Chard czar

My kid's pediatrician cancelled my appointment because i was 5 minutes late

He has very little patients.

Me scheduling a a doctors appointment

Me: Hello i would like to schedule an appointment

Receptionits: Yeah just give me a second... How about 10 tommorrow

Me: No thanks, that's way too many

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

How does a pencil hire their workers?

He appoints them

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

Typical Camp Commander

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over and asked them why do they do it.

"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"

The new camp commander sea...

An old lady wanted to withdraw money from a bank

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if ...

Ugh I have a dentist appointment tomorrow

It's at 2:30

True story. I didn't notice it was funny until my gf told me

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A New Zealander fell asleep during his appointment at the clinic.

He was asked to count his sexual partners.






>!baaaaaaa!<

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

At Polish man has an appointment at the oculist

The doctor shows him a sign:.


WYRZYKOWTACZ.


Doctor: "Could you read those letters?"


Polish patient: "Letters? I know that guy!"

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A guy attends an appointment with a psychiatrist...

The doctor tells him he's going to administer the Rorschach (ink blot) test.

The Doc shows him the first ink blot and asks him what he sees.

The guy says, " The tip of a man's penis against a woman's back."

"And the second ink blot?"

The guy answers, "Two women making lov...

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

I made an appointment with my doctor because I couldn’t get an erection.

But I later had to cancel because something came up.

A different game of thrones

Long ago a then famous reporter of the times traveled to a little known kingdom deep in the heart of Africa, accompanied by translators and bearers of course. It was not very technologically advanced, with no plumbing and clay and stray being the primary building materials.

Upon arrival he w...

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An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.

*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?

*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.

The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.

*Doctor:* That...

I really screwed up asking my doctor to get tested for Alzheimer's.

I forgot my appointment. Doctor said I failed the test.

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[NSFW] The Vatican is about to select 5 archbishops from a group of 30 religious and pious priests. Due to previous scandals and accusations the Pope has decided to make the appointment procedure different and complicated so that only the best remains.

All the priests were stripped naked and a bell was tied to their penis. After that right in front of them, a group of 30 gorgeous nude women were brought. The goal was to find out how much resistance the priests have and how strong their devotion to God was. The ladies started to dance, twerk, even ...

There was once a woman called Patricia Whack

She worked in a bank and generally dealt with secured loans. One day she calls for her next appointment when a frog hops into the room and sits on the chair opposite her. Confused, she asks "Can I help you?"
"Yes," says the frog "Kermit Jagger, I'm here for a loan, uh 100k please"
Patty is ta...

I got called off from my appointment today.

I'm disappointed.

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

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Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

Did you hear about the cannibalistic taxidermist who was always early to appointments?

His clock was a head.

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Today I had a doctors appointment for premature ejaculation

It was at 4, when I got there, it was only 3. I guess I accidentally came early.

Cable Appointment

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

A man calls his doctor and says "I'd like to cancel my tomorrow's appointment."

The doctor replies:

- Well, in such a case it will not be refunded, as appointments need to be cancelled three days in advance if you want a refund.

- Can I have it rescheduled then?

- Yes. What do you think about 3:30 PM next Friday?

- That is all right.

- Thank y...

An odd dentist appointment

A woman is at a dentist appointment and is looking scared. The dentist, trying to alleviate some of the tension, asks if she knows how latex gloves are made. She replies, “No,” and he tells her men dip their hands in a vat of latex and wait for it to dry, effectively creating a latex glove. The woma...

I'm a retired Gynaecologist but ocassionally I do the odd appointment at a local surgey.

You know.... just to keep my hand in.

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A Man is suffering from a disease

He gets himself checked from all the famous doctors in the city. None of them understood the problem. Then finally one doctor understands it and calls the man for an appointment. The man visits the doctor with his wife. So the doctor chose to talk with the wife first, he asks the man to wait outside...

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Was always of the opinion that bad posture didn't pose a threat to my physical well-being.

But after an appointment with my physiotherapist, I stand corrected.

I’ve decided I’ll be cremated.

My appointment is 10am on Thursday.

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Who was the knight appointed a trusted advisor for sexual positions in King Arthur's court?

Circumstance.

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

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Dr. Appointment

I had a physical a couple of weeks ago, and the doctor asked pretty basic questions.
Do you smoke?
Only in Colorado.
Do you drink?
Only on nickel shot night.
How much per week do you work out
I asked her if sex counts
She looked up from his clipboard, sighed, flashed back t...

Dentist time!

Me: “Hi I’d like to book an appointment please, my filling has fallen out and I’m in a lot of pain.”

Dentist: “Iet’s see what we can do...... 2.30?”

Me. “Yes! Very much so. That’s why I’m ringing!”

A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now...

I scheduled an appointment with the lady who does my eyebrows

She said she could pencil me in.

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

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I had been feeling suicidal from some recent traumatic experiences.

I decided to seek help from a mental health professional. After some counselling, I was not recuperating, and on account of my worsening instability, they implored for me to stay at an in patient psychiatric ward facility.

During my stay, the doctors and psychiatrists informed that they were...

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they’d mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

“Well, weaknesses...” he said “I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality”

"And your greatest strength?” She asked.

“Oh, I’m the Batman”

After his last appointment, my son complained about how his hair looked. I told him it'll grow on him.

His oncologist, on the other hand, is not as optimistic.

Back in 1921, a member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.



He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his classroom:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:...

A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch

For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist.

When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him.

He replied, “I stand corrected.”

My Dad Goes To The Orthodontist

When he gets there, the Dentist asks, "Are you here for your teeth appointment?"

"No," Dad replies. "I'm here for my teeth alignment. Why would I need pointy teeth?"

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A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs a...

I always schedule my appointments at 9:11..

.. so I never forget.

I have a Dentist appointment tomorrow ...

Its at 2.30 ...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

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I called the Premature Ejaculation Clinic and asked if I needed to make an appointment.

They said I could come at any time.

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A guy walks into a doctors office

for his appointment. Waiting in the the lobby, his name is called. He then follows the nurse into the examining room. She instructs him to remove his cloths and put on the hospital gown, then leaves the room.

After a few minutes of waiting, there’s a knock on the door, and the doctor walks in...

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My local sperm bank doesn't take donations by appointment.

It's first cum first serve.

Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning.

After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

"My first appointment with a new dentist!!"

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.
<...

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the...

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Help my boy laugh through his urology appointment!

I need every (non-sexual) ball and dick joke you can think of. My 8-year-old is at a urology appointment and is nervous. I’m lightening the mood.

Stuff like “what’s the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snow balls”

Thanks in advance!

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

"How long are you going to be at your erectile dysfunction appointment?" asked my wife.

I said, "Well, I won't be long."

I walked into my doctors appointment and he said pick a star sign. I said Capricorn

He said no you’ve got Cancer

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So a guy goes to a tattoo shop..

When he arrives he asks the tattoo artist to tattoo a Ferrari on his penis. The tattoo artist replies surprised and says that he is very honoured because he had never done this before.

The tattoo artist then asks him to bring his girlfriend on the appointment. So he can tattoo garage doors o...

What do you call the girl with dandruff who missed her appointment at the hair salon?

Flakey

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

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Good jokes.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
X------------------------X
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I...

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I have an appointment with a premature ejaculation support group tomorrow. I wasn't sure what I should wear.

They said just come in your pants

A man calls his home and his newly appointed butler picks up the phone...

Still a little nervous about his newly assigned duties, the butler answered nervously “Hello, who’s this?”

The man was a little frustrated with the butler’s lack of experience and so he replied impatiently “It’s your boss you idiot!”

Feeling guilty about not recognizing his own boss’s...

A man walks into his Doctor's appointment and complains of a stomach ache.

"Is it bad? How long have you had it?" asks the doctor.

"It hurts a lot, and I've had it about a week now. I've tried my usual remedies, but nothing has worked."

"Alright," the doctor replies, "We'll run some tests then and I'll call you in a few days to come back once the results are ...

I cancelled my doctor's appointment recently

I was disappointed

A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount...

My doctor said it's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam

But I would still prefer it if he didn't whip it out in the middle of our appointment.

So a terminally ill man arrives after calling an appointment with his doctor....

Man:How much time do I have left

Doctor: Ten

Man: Ten what I don’t understand

Doctor: Eight

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Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Please pee on this cup and come back. Joe's confused by this weird method, but fuck it let's roll.

Joe brings the cup back. Then, Halstaad dips his right pinky into the urine, licks it and pauses.
Then, he...

Trump should appoint Sarah Palin as the Administrator of NASA.

I know, I know, I could've stopped it there, but here's the punchline:

I mean, we must be fair and give her some consideration, because she does make a good argument: she can see the moon from her house.

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They say makeup sex is best, which is great news for me.

I missed my appointment yesterday, and my new appointment is tonight.

A man has a doctor appointment the next day that he wants to cancel.

So he goes into the office and asks the person at the desk, "Can I cancel my appointment?"

The person at the desk responds, "Of course, but there is a $100 cancelation fee if the appointment is in less than a week."

The man thinks for a minute than asks, "Is there a fee to reschedule...

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The doctor put his finger up my butt at my appointment today.

Worst. Dentist. Ever.

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