We are all affected by gravity. What you get if it was removed?

Gravy.

Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

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A crashing economy can affect your sex life drastically.

I am one of the victims ...

My Neighbour's husband lost his job & is always at home now !

When I shot up the classroom, killed my teacher and everybody else in the building it really affected my family.

I'm home schooled.

What's the name of that addictive thing that affects my short-term memory? I use it all the time, but can't remember what's it's called...

*Googles* ... "Oh yeah! The internet!"

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say watching porn might affect my IQ.

Ha, screw it, I don’t even have that Apple product.

Phrases of Affection

I'm from Tennessee. I have been sitting here thinking about words at the end of "love phrases". I'm thinking: "I love you, baby", "I miss you, bro", etc. Now sometimes, these don't work out for the people that you are speaking with when using these love phrases.

"I love you, bro" does not sit...

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

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They say that using penis enlargement pills can affect my IQ and make me easily irritated.

What a load of bullshit, and I don’t even have that fucking stupid Apple product.

People wonder how being being a chronic insomniac affects my job as a carpenter...

Quite frankly, I enjoy getting paid to bang all night

A recent study shows that 6 out of 7 persons affected with dwarfism are not happy.

They are grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, sneezy and doc.

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

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My wife tells me having a small penis shouldn’t affect our relationship.

I still wish she didn’t have one.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

A friend asked if I minded if he smoked

I've got one arm and replied: "no of course not I'm not affected by 2nd hand smoke"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist warned me that my chronic procrastination will negatively affect my life, but I’m not too worried.

I’ll look up what procrastination means later.

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

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Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW]

During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular.

During the Bush years, the demand for "dumb blonde" types hit an all time high.

During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off.

And recently, incest porn has become really popular.

Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privat...

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

I thought I might have impostor syndrome.

After learning how many incredibly smart and productive people it affects, though, there's no way I'm good enough to have it.

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People say smoking weed affects the memory.

Well that's a load of shit, I never forget to smoke.

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with

After the question, the woman doesn't respond.

The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each o...

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A young man with 3 testicles goes to see a doctor

The man is really self-conscious about having 3 testicles, and he's afraid it can badly affect his health if he doesn't get himself checked, so he decides to see a doctor. However, he reckons that seeing a female doctor would be very awkward so he makes sure it is a male doctor he's seeing

*...

What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

Addiction has drastic affects on your body.

I used to be addicted to washing powder. I'm clean now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

How do you calm your erupting girlfriend?

You shower her with lava and affection

Inappropriate.

My girlfriend said “I believe in you” and it made me happy.

But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate Jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

A boy was asking out a girl when she replied to his affection with the line "I love you too, but like a brother!"

Saddened by her apparent refusal, he started walking away, until the girl said, "Wait. from where I'm from, that's good."

Confused, the boy asked, "Well, where is that?"

"Alabama."

Keep your money away from any balloons

Otherwise it will be affected by inflation.

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

My sister and her husband live next to a bunch of cell phone towers, and they're concerned it’s going to affect the health of their children.

*If* they can stop having miscarriages.

Ajit Pai made inquiries about how a government shutdown could affect him

but Verizon assures him he'll still get paid

TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

I read an interesting sociology paper about how your name can affect your career choices.

Written By Prof. Nominative Determinism.

Did you hear about the biologist who grew a new bacteria that affected all races equally?

It was a PC culture.

Did you see the study on how the moon affects the earth?

Apparently it's making waves

What do broken saws have in common with targets of neckbeard affection?

They're not reciprocating.

Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

My friend recently got divorced because his wife was a bulls fan and he was a pistons fan

When I asked him how that could possibly affect their relationship, he replied, "Hey, at least it lasted longer than Derrick Rose's prime."

I suddenly understood why his wife was the one who wanted the divorce.

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...

... along with all other displays of affection.

Terrible diseases...

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...

Doctors are reporting a new disease affecting commuters in New York.

It only appears to be affecting drivers traveling in groups through the Lincoln Holland Tunnels. The symptoms are pain in the hands and wrists.

Doctors are calling it Car Pool Tunnel syndrome.

A man is severely depressed.

Joke:

His wife left him, took the kids and due to all the stress and pressure in his personal life, his work performance took a dive and he was fired. Without a job, he lost his home, his possessions and whatever was left of his dignity and hope. He decided to end his miserable life.

...

A drunk man is pulled over by a policeman at 2am

The policeman asks, "hey there, may I ask where you're headed?"

"I'm off to a conference about the effects of alcohol. How it affects relationships, the economy, how it has an effect on my children."

"And who, may I ask is leading this conference at this hour?" Asks the policeman.
<...

Don't know how to cook

I don't really know how to cook, so I just end up eating frozen food. I usually get some turkey and store it in the freezer for the next day. However, one day I've heard about the dangers of eating frozen food and how it badly affects my health, it was at this moment that I realized that I had to qu...

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

Whats the difference between affection and adore?

You can't slam your wife's head in affection.

Recruiting Pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near ...

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

Newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time

. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all
twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had
a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it
only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful
looking pa...

A quick math question

Alright, so here's quick math question for ya:

So there's two trains. The first train is traveling at *exactly* 90 miles per hour from Plotopia heading due west. There is a clown standing atop it. He is holding a grenade. (And yes, his billowing pants and rainbow-dyed afro-wig *are* affecting...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Speech Therapy for him (NSFWish)

A man came to the doctor's office, frustrated and tired. He says," D-d-doc, I have this sp-peech problem. I've ha-d-d it all my life and it's ma-making me miserable. I c-can't speak in public. I have trouble in business me-meetings a-a-nd it's affecting my family now. P-p-please help Doc"

So ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Talking Dog

A woman walks into the store and sees a flyer.

"Talking Dog Looking for a New Home. $10"

The woman thinks "this is interesting, I should go check it out."

So she goes to the address listed and asks to see the dog. The owner brings her to the back yard where a black Lab is sittin...

(long) a man was having dinner with some friends...

When he noticed that his friend proceeded every request to his wife whose endearing terms like baby, sweety, love, an snugglepuss.

the man was impressed by his friends displays of affection because he knew the couple had been married for more than 50 years.
when the wife went into the ki...

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