Why does Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

What did scientists call the disease that only affected crows?

Corvid-19

People always seem surprised by the way spicy chorizo affects their digestion. Seems like...

No-one expects the Spanish ring excretion!

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find ...

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there’s already a Charity for them, The US Government.

What type of arthritis disproportionately affects Canadians?

Psorryatic arthritis.

Two rednecks join the army, after a couple of years they both are higher up in the ranks

Jim-bob "hey huck, we got to go to that STD talk later", huck "No we dont", jim-bob "why not ?", huck " because them STD's only affects the privates"

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Walking past the Intensive Care Unit, I heard Kanye's latest album blaring over the intercom.

I guess its true, Covid does affect your taste.

(Inspired by: u/FluffyTid)

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Two guys are driving down a highway

The guy in the passenger seat asks the driver to pull over cuss he need to take a piss. They pull over and the guy gets out to take his piss. Suddenly the guy in the car hears a scream and runs over

Turns out his friend got bitten by a snake in the dick. The first guy calls his dad who is a ...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

Running out of Gas

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him t...

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

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I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

We're Sergeants Now!

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm ...

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A husband and his pregnant wife were sleeping

Suddenly, a robber enters their room and shoots the wife in the stomach 3 times
The husband gets his gun under the bed and shots the robber right in the head
They rush to the hospital where they put his wife on the surgery table, after 30 minutes the doctor comes to the husband and says:
<...

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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

The doctor examining him, is baffled how his penis has turned orange and poses some probing questions. "What do you do for a living", he asks.

"I am a truck driver"

"Do you work long hours"

"Oh yes, most days are twelve to sixteen hour days usually in heavy traffic"

The...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

Dyslexia affects people in different ways

Especially today, on Friday the 13th

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

How does the pandemic affect the rental car industry?

It Hertz.

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

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My fear of palindromes is really affecting my life.

I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.
That bastard gave me Xanax...

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won’t see me, my friends act like I’m not there. Hell even the mailman hasn’t made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a t...

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most

If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought o...

The quarantine is affecting everyone in the work force but it sucks especially for men

We're losing $1 for every $0.79 woman are losing.

Wife asks her man a serious question one day...

It was a beautiful morning, however wife had a serious question to ask her husband.

"Babe", she reckoned. "If I die tomorrow, how will you be affected by my death?"

Husband did not question the intent behind asking such a question, indeed he was smart.

"Babe, if I lose you, I'll...

Being in quarantine hasn't really affected me.

But I do think it's strange that in one box of rice there were 6839 rice kernels and in another it was 6723.

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A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.

He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be...

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

I wonder how this whole coronavirus thing has affected Wuhan china cymbal sales.

I think the market has crashed.

If smoking weed affects memory loss...

then what does smoking weed do?

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory

Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

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My wife tells me having a small penis shouldn’t affect our relationship.

I still wish she didn’t have one.

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

What happens when Nurgle has an affection for Han Solo?

Nurgle would try to Wuhan....

We are all affected by gravity. What you get if it was removed?

Gravy.

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.

A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?” The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde jokes for the rest of the performance. The blonde says “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the guy o...

Even The Proclaimers have been affected by the coronavirus

The government has urged them to restrict their walk to 5 miles

A recent study shows that 6 out of 7 persons affected with dwarfism are not happy.

They are grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, sneezy and doc.

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

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Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW]

During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular.

During the Bush years, the demand for "dumb blonde" types hit an all time high.

During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off.

And recently, incest porn has become really popular.

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Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

Here's an interesting statistic about herd mentality:

It affects 10 in 10 people.

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They say watching porn might affect my IQ.

Ha, screw it, I don’t even have that Apple product.

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A crashing economy can affect your sex life drastically.

I am one of the victims ...

My Neighbour's husband lost his job & is always at home now !

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

What's the name of that addictive thing that affects my short-term memory? I use it all the time, but can't remember what's it's called...

*Googles* ... "Oh yeah! The internet!"

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Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

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People say smoking weed affects the memory.

Well that's a load of shit, I never forget to smoke.

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

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They say that using penis enlargement pills can affect my IQ and make me easily irritated.

What a load of bullshit, and I don’t even have that fucking stupid Apple product.

Regarding r/internetexplorer's decision to go private.

In a display of unity, our subreddit has chosen to vehemently reject the staffing decision made by Reddit and will be going private. CEO Ellen Pao's decisions have negatively affected this site and we stand with the rest of Reddit in this timely matter.

When I shot up the classroom, killed my teacher and everybody else in the building it really affected my family.

I'm home schooled.

Addiction has drastic affects on your body.

I used to be addicted to washing powder. I'm clean now.

A constant and e^x was walking along the road...

...when they saw a differential operator in the distance. The constant stops and says "I can't go further because the differential operator will make me disappear". e^(x) replies "yea well a differential operator can't affect me". So e^(x) walks forward to the operator and says "Hey I'm e^(x) " to w...

A co-worker asked me "How's it going?"

Me: "I can't complain."
Coworker: "Hey it's great you're having a good day!"
Me: "No I mean I literally can't complain. HR said it's affecting morale."

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A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

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I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

My sister and her husband live next to a bunch of cell phone towers, and they're concerned it’s going to affect the health of their children.

*If* they can stop having miscarriages.

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

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Chris Hemsworth goes to a bar

He spots a nice looking lady and gets chatting to her, she happens to have dental braces which affects her speech only slightly.
He asks her “Could I buy you a drink?”
She replies “If you mutht”
They chat and drink into the early hours.
Chris then says “I have a room at the Radisson do...

I read an interesting sociology paper about how your name can affect your career choices.

Written By Prof. Nominative Determinism.

A boy was asking out a girl when she replied to his affection with the line "I love you too, but like a brother!"

Saddened by her apparent refusal, he started walking away, until the girl said, "Wait. from where I'm from, that's good."

Confused, the boy asked, "Well, where is that?"

"Alabama."

Ajit Pai made inquiries about how a government shutdown could affect him

but Verizon assures him he'll still get paid

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

There is a new virus which only affects Muslims.Where do they put the infected?

In the Quran-tine room!

Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

Did you see the study on how the moon affects the earth?

Apparently it's making waves

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

What do broken saws have in common with targets of neckbeard affection?

They're not reciprocating.

I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew.

Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

Doctors are reporting a new disease affecting commuters in New York.

It only appears to be affecting drivers traveling in groups through the Lincoln Holland Tunnels. The symptoms are pain in the hands and wrists.

Doctors are calling it Car Pool Tunnel syndrome.

Did you hear about the biologist who grew a new bacteria that affected all races equally?

It was a PC culture.

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

President Trump goes to his doctor to get a prescription for hydroxychloroquine.

He asks his doctor, "Doctor, I heard that this medicine is bad for your heart."
His doctor replies, "Don't worry, you don't have a heart, so it can't affect you."
President Trump thinks about it for a moment, feels relieved, and agrees.




He then asks, "Doctor, I h...

Whats the difference between affection and adore?

You can't slam your wife's head in affection.

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...

... along with all other displays of affection.

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Scientists recently discovered a sexually transmitted disease affecting many bird species.

No need to worry though. I hear it's tweetable.

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My diarrhea is really affecting my life.

I need to get my shit together.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The answer is not quite clear but it did affect the geopolitical structure and landscape of western civilization by becoming prey for KFC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

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