People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

Lex Luthor invents a device that affects Superman's hearing

This way his crime-fighting abilities would be severely limited.

One Metropolis resident anxiously screams: "Help, Superman! They're robbing a bank!"

"Who's stopping a prank?", replies Superman, confused.

Another one begs: "Please help, Superman! Someone stole my car!"

"T...

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there’s already a Charity for them, The US Government.

What type of arthritis disproportionately affects Canadians?

Psorryatic arthritis.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought o...

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

How do pirates show affection in Dune?

Arr a kiss

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

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I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

Dyslexia affects people in different ways

Especially today, on Friday the 13th

Why does Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

How does the pandemic affect the rental car industry?

It Hertz.

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My fear of palindromes is really affecting my life.

I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.
That bastard gave me Xanax...

Do long working hours affect your love life?

In other words, sometimes when you work long and hard, it isn't.

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most

If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available

The quarantine is affecting everyone in the work force but it sucks especially for men

We're losing $1 for every $0.79 woman are losing.

A co-worker asked me "How's it going?"

Me: "I can't complain."
Coworker: "Hey it's great you're having a good day!"
Me: "No I mean I literally can't complain. HR said it's affecting morale."

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

Being in quarantine hasn't really affected me.

But I do think it's strange that in one box of rice there were 6839 rice kernels and in another it was 6723.

A constant and e^x was walking along the road...

...when they saw a differential operator in the distance. The constant stops and says "I can't go further because the differential operator will make me disappear". e^(x) replies "yea well a differential operator can't affect me". So e^(x) walks forward to the operator and says "Hey I'm e^(x) " to w...

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

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Chris Hemsworth goes to a bar

He spots a nice looking lady and gets chatting to her, she happens to have dental braces which affects her speech only slightly.
He asks her “Could I buy you a drink?”
She replies “If you mutht”
They chat and drink into the early hours.
Chris then says “I have a room at the Radisson do...

I wonder how this whole coronavirus thing has affected Wuhan china cymbal sales.

I think the market has crashed.

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A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory

Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

Even The Proclaimers have been affected by the coronavirus

The government has urged them to restrict their walk to 5 miles

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a...

We are all affected by gravity. What you get if it was removed?

Gravy.

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

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Tropical Storm Karen (2019), briefly affected Puerto Rico before moving out to sea.

Typical Karen move, lots of noise then buggers off in a huff.

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

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My wife tells me having a small penis shouldn’t affect our relationship.

I still wish she didn’t have one.

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

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Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

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A crashing economy can affect your sex life drastically.

I am one of the victims ...

My Neighbour's husband lost his job & is always at home now !

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

A recent study shows that 6 out of 7 persons affected with dwarfism are not happy.

They are grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, sneezy and doc.

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They say watching porn might affect my IQ.

Ha, screw it, I don’t even have that Apple product.

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

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Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW]

During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular.

During the Bush years, the demand for "dumb blonde" types hit an all time high.

During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off.

And recently, incest porn has become really popular.

What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

What's the name of that addictive thing that affects my short-term memory? I use it all the time, but can't remember what's it's called...

*Googles* ... "Oh yeah! The internet!"

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The answer is not quite clear but it did affect the geopolitical structure and landscape of western civilization by becoming prey for KFC.

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

People wonder how being being a chronic insomniac affects my job as a carpenter...

Quite frankly, I enjoy getting paid to bang all night

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They say that using penis enlargement pills can affect my IQ and make me easily irritated.

What a load of bullshit, and I don’t even have that fucking stupid Apple product.

When I shot up the classroom, killed my teacher and everybody else in the building it really affected my family.

I'm home schooled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People say smoking weed affects the memory.

Well that's a load of shit, I never forget to smoke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Addiction has drastic affects on your body.

I used to be addicted to washing powder. I'm clean now.

TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

President Trump goes to his doctor to get a prescription for hydroxychloroquine.

He asks his doctor, "Doctor, I heard that this medicine is bad for your heart."
His doctor replies, "Don't worry, you don't have a heart, so it can't affect you."
President Trump thinks about it for a moment, feels relieved, and agrees.




He then asks, "Doctor, I h...

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

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I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

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A boy from working class family hears about the crash of the economy

He comes home, runs to his dad and asks him

“Dad, they told us in school that the economy crashed, and that it’s going to affect everyone’s lifestyle. Is it going to affect ours?”

His dad replied : “Don’t worry son, it’s only going to affect the lifestyle of the rich.

You and ...

My sister and her husband live next to a bunch of cell phone towers, and they're concerned it’s going to affect the health of their children.

*If* they can stop having miscarriages.

A boy was asking out a girl when she replied to his affection with the line "I love you too, but like a brother!"

Saddened by her apparent refusal, he started walking away, until the girl said, "Wait. from where I'm from, that's good."

Confused, the boy asked, "Well, where is that?"

"Alabama."

(This is really long, please don't kill me for it)

Once upon a time, there was a priest that worked at a church. He was a really good man, but very overweight and out of shape. He liked to joke about this, but he wasn't that interested in losing it, because it wouldn't really affect his life.

Anyways, one day a man walked into the church afte...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

I read an interesting sociology paper about how your name can affect your career choices.

Written By Prof. Nominative Determinism.

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A snake bit a man on his penis

Two friends were hiking deep in the woods for a few days. On the second day, while one hiker is peeing, he is bitten by a snake on his penis. Through excruciating pain, he manages to crawl back to the campsite to his friend.

\*"A snake bit me on the penis!! You need to go get help!"\*
...

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4 Tiny Jokes

What do you call someone who empathizes and feels badly for the plight of small crustaceans?

A shrimpathizer.

What do you call someone who uses machines to emulate the sounds of small crustaceans?

A shrimpesizer.

What do you call someone who chases after the affection of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people can appreciate public displays of affection.

Ajit Pai made inquiries about how a government shutdown could affect him

but Verizon assures him he'll still get paid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

The office servers and network were suddenly incredibly slow...

Emails and messages weren’t been sent out and requests to access shared drives were timing out. Virtual meetings were coming to a standstill. It was serious.

The IT dept revved into action and started diagnosing everything - from the cables to the servers themselves to electrical supply to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

There is a new virus which only affects Muslims.Where do they put the infected?

In the Quran-tine room!

Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

Not being the favorite child, how did it affect me, you asked?

It makes me want to have siblings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Criminals are talking about which one was the craziest.

The first guy talks about how he killed his wife then decapitated her and had sex with her corpse.

The second guy says that that's bad but nothing compared to how crazy he is.

He says he was a mafia boss and killed hundreds of men and stole millions from legitamate people.

The ...

What do broken saws have in common with targets of neckbeard affection?

They're not reciprocating.

Health secretary in a briefing to Trump: "Sir, in Chennai, India 36 Tamillians have been killed due to Corona Virus"

Trump is silent. His lips quiver. His hands shiver. His eyes wells up. He is unable to speak.

Health secretary is stunned. He never imagined that this event could affect him so badly.

After a few minutes, in a trembling voice, Trump asks "So, how many millions are there in *one tamilli...

Doctors are reporting a new disease affecting commuters in New York.

It only appears to be affecting drivers traveling in groups through the Lincoln Holland Tunnels. The symptoms are pain in the hands and wrists.

Doctors are calling it Car Pool Tunnel syndrome.

I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew.

Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

Whats the difference between affection and adore?

You can't slam your wife's head in affection.

After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...

... along with all other displays of affection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My diarrhea is really affecting my life.

I need to get my shit together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When explaining a groin injury to your doctor...

It’s important to be clear whether it’s your scrotum or penis that is affected...

There’s a vas deferens between them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists recently discovered a sexually transmitted disease affecting many bird species.

No need to worry though. I hear it's tweetable.

Fishtank

Two fish are swimming around in a tank.
One fish asks the other:"Won't being full of water affect the electronics on this thing?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are out hiking...

Bob and Larry are out hiking when Bob has to take a leak. He unzips and starts peeing against a tree when a snake bites him right on the penis. He's affected immediately and starts convulsing in pain.

Larry calls 911 and says, "Help me! My best friend in the whole world just got bitten by a s...

Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privat...

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