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Affect Jokes

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

Mr. T had a rare form of cancerous lymphoma that affected T-cells. Do you know what the odds are on that?!

One in 26.

Why does Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

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There was a tragic birth defect that affected a young couples' first born child.

The doctor looked at the new parents and said. "Your baby is healthy, but he was born without eyelids. The parents were shocked and the new mother started to weep.

"Is there anything that can be done to fix this?" She asked, choking on her tears.

The doctor thought a moment when an ...

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

Asparagus is an interesting meal, not only does it affect your diuretic system, it also helps with hunches and gut feelings.

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks.

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I asked a prostitute if her livelihood was affected by the pandemic.

"Same as usual." she said. "The clients, they come and go."

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

They say weed affects memory

If that’s true, why do I never forget to buy weed?

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A wife works long shifts every day...

A wife works long shifts every day of the week to support her family. The husband, who rarely sees her, begins to feel affected by the lack of intimacy from her when she is around, so he has an affair with a younger lady.

One day, the wife comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with h...

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

Highway to Hawaii

A man comes walking on the beach and finds a bottle. He picks it up and removes the stopper. Out of the bottle comes the Spirit of the Lamp. "Thank you for letting me out, I have been locked up for 140 years. I would like to give you the opportunity to have a wish fulfilled"

"Thank you, I've...

Just Married

Following their wedding, the bride and groom retired to the honeymoon suite. Being staunchly religious folk, they had not been intimate, and the bride, being hesitant, watched as the groom removed his trousers. With a horrified look she gasped, "My Lord, what happened to your legs?"

"Well...

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A golfing instructor has no luck teaching a young, married woman. (NSFW)

Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass.

This is beginning to affect his ability to get new clients, and he is constantly getting ribbed by colleagues.

One lesson, after angrily stamping a clump of grass back i...

People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

One good tern deserves another

Arctic terns, birds long famous for their thousands of miles migratory habits, have been profoundly affected by climate change. Researchers have determined that as landmarks have disappeared due to loss of ice, some terns get stressed to the point of prematurely ending their flights.

Exposur...

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find ...

I recently asked a friend who operated a crematorium about how COVID had affected him

He said all the extra work left him feeling burned out

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

I realized that affection is just moving both of your hands at the same time.

Think about it. What is love but a second hand in motion?

How do you show a chef some affection?

You give them a quiche

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

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My wife tells me having a small penis shouldn’t affect our relationship.

I still wish she didn’t have one.

How does the pandemic affect the rental car industry?

It Hertz.

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

People always seem surprised by the way spicy chorizo affects their digestion. Seems like...

No-one expects the Spanish ring excretion!

What type of arthritis disproportionately affects Canadians?

Psorryatic arthritis.

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Shiner...

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."...

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there’s already a Charity for them, The US Government.

Do long working hours affect your love life?

In other words, sometimes when you work long and hard, it isn't.

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Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW]

During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular.

During the Bush years, the demand for "dumb blonde" types hit an all time high.

During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off.

And recently, incest porn has become really popular.

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory

Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

A recent study shows that 6 out of 7 persons affected with dwarfism are not happy.

They are grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, sneezy and doc.

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Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

The quarantine is affecting everyone in the work force but it sucks especially for men

We're losing $1 for every $0.79 woman are losing.

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A young woman was pregnant with triplets, she was then shot three times

At the hospital, she asked the doctor if the bullets would affect her children.

"Not at all ma'am, the children should pass the bullets naturally in a few years" replied the doctor

Fast forward 13 years, and the triplets are all teens. One day, one of her daughters came to her and sa...

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

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They say watching porn might affect my IQ.

Ha, screw it, I don’t even have that Apple product.

What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

Being in quarantine hasn't really affected me.

But I do think it's strange that in one box of rice there were 6839 rice kernels and in another it was 6723.

It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most

If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

We are all affected by gravity. What you get if it was removed?

Gravy.

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

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I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

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Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

How do pirates show affection in Dune?

Arr a kiss

I wonder how this whole coronavirus thing has affected Wuhan china cymbal sales.

I think the market has crashed.

Dyslexia affects people in different ways

Especially today, on Friday the 13th

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

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A crashing economy can affect your sex life drastically.

I am one of the victims ...

My Neighbour's husband lost his job & is always at home now !

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

A 100 year old man who lived next to a Formula 1 track all his life got interview by the local news

Reporter: "100 years is a long time, has this place had an affect on your life in any way?

The old man scratched his head and took a minute to think and said:

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

(Works better when you tell it lol)

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

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They say that using penis enlargement pills can affect my IQ and make me easily irritated.

What a load of bullshit, and I don’t even have that fucking stupid Apple product.

What happens when Nurgle has an affection for Han Solo?

Nurgle would try to Wuhan....

My sister and her husband live next to a bunch of cell phone towers, and they're concerned it’s going to affect the health of their children.

*If* they can stop having miscarriages.

A lady brings her dog to the veterinarian due to itching.

The vet gives her a lotion to put on the dog, and tells her to get Nair to put on the affected area, thereby removing its hair in that area.
The lady goes to the store where a clerk takes her to the Nair. He advises her “if you put this on your legs, don’t wear panty hose for a few days”. The l...

Even The Proclaimers have been affected by the coronavirus

The government has urged them to restrict their walk to 5 miles

I read an interesting sociology paper about how your name can affect your career choices.

Written By Prof. Nominative Determinism.

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Tropical Storm Karen (2019), briefly affected Puerto Rico before moving out to sea.

Typical Karen move, lots of noise then buggers off in a huff.

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People say smoking weed affects the memory.

Well that's a load of shit, I never forget to smoke.

Ajit Pai made inquiries about how a government shutdown could affect him

but Verizon assures him he'll still get paid

A boy was asking out a girl when she replied to his affection with the line "I love you too, but like a brother!"

Saddened by her apparent refusal, he started walking away, until the girl said, "Wait. from where I'm from, that's good."

Confused, the boy asked, "Well, where is that?"

"Alabama."

When I shot up the classroom, killed my teacher and everybody else in the building it really affected my family.

I'm home schooled.

Addiction has drastic affects on your body.

I used to be addicted to washing powder. I'm clean now.

What's the name of that addictive thing that affects my short-term memory? I use it all the time, but can't remember what's it's called...

*Googles* ... "Oh yeah! The internet!"

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Silent and not smelly…

A man goes to the doctor’s office and waits for his turn to be seen. Once inside, the doctor asks him what’s wrong.

Man: I have a weird problem, doc. It doesn’t affect anyone else but is a minor inconvenience for me. I thought I should see you and get it checked anyway.

Doctor: Ahem.. ...

TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew.

Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

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I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

There is a new virus which only affects Muslims.Where do they put the infected?

In the Quran-tine room!

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

What do broken saws have in common with targets of neckbeard affection?

They're not reciprocating.

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

Doctors are reporting a new disease affecting commuters in New York.

It only appears to be affecting drivers traveling in groups through the Lincoln Holland Tunnels. The symptoms are pain in the hands and wrists.

Doctors are calling it Car Pool Tunnel syndrome.

When I moved to Florida, I couldn't fit in

Finishing 3rd Grade really affected my social life there.

Whats the difference between affection and adore?

You can't slam your wife's head in affection.

Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

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Scientists recently discovered a sexually transmitted disease affecting many bird species.

No need to worry though. I hear it's tweetable.

Did you hear about the biologist who grew a new bacteria that affected all races equally?

It was a PC culture.

After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...

... along with all other displays of affection.

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My diarrhea is really affecting my life.

I need to get my shit together.

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Japanese banks

The recent tsunami in Japan has badly affected the banking sector.

Origami bank has folded.

Sumo bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai bank has cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.

Analysts report that there is some...

We're Sergeants Now!

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm ...

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A man goes to see a doctor about his stuttering problem.

The doctor enters the exam room and says "Good afternoon! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ww... wwh... well," says the man, "I ha... have have thissss... t.. t... terrible stutter alm...most mh... mh... mh... my wh... who.... whole l.. life. P..P..People make... fu...fu..fun of me. I ca.. ca....

My friend showed me a joke that really effected me because it used words incorrectly.

It ruined the jokes affect.

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Japan's Downfall

Before the bombing, Japanese hentai artists used to draw normal hentai. After the US attacked, it affected them so bad that all their newer stuff had Fat Men and Little Boys.

The governor of Florida had enough

The governor of Florida had enough of the Florida jokes. It was affecting their tourism and he was always made fun of at the annual governor softball tournament. He sat in his office all day and thought of ways how to change this.

One day, the governor of Alabama called. It was a social call...

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Walking past the Intensive Care Unit, I heard Kanye's latest album blaring over the intercom.

I guess its true, Covid does affect your taste.

(Inspired by: u/FluffyTid)

A man became an avid golfer.

So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.


As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very...

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A husband and his pregnant wife were sleeping

Suddenly, a robber enters their room and shoots the wife in the stomach 3 times
The husband gets his gun under the bed and shots the robber right in the head
They rush to the hospital where they put his wife on the surgery table, after 30 minutes the doctor comes to the husband and says:
<...

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

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