An old farmer has watched his flock of sheep dwindle over the years until he finally decides to go and visit a local vet for answers. The vet suggests that the farmer try artificial insemination in order to bolster his flock numbers.

Being a simple folk, and too embarrassed to ask for clarification, the old farmer presumes that artificial insemination means that he must do the job himself of getting his sheep pregnant. So the next day he loads his sheep into his truck and drives them up to the top field at the end of his farm a...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

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Studies suggest that masturbation is twice as effective as sex for dealing with stress.

So one in the hand really is worth 2 in the bush

Due to the wave of homeschooling this year, I'm suggesting we change "wake me up when September ends"

To "knock me out when September starts."

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That sounds ....like a big step.”

I was with a group of friends when one of them suggested we play Twister. This person knows I'm not a fan of Twister.

I hate being put in an awkward position.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Marilyn Monroe suggests to Albert Einstein : "If you and I were to marry, our kids will be the smartest and most beautiful in all the world."

Einstein: "What if they get my looks and your brain?"

My wife suggested I get an erection enhancer .

So I did.

Her name is Tamy, shes a 21 yr old dancer

Studies suggest that parents can do 1/3 of their kids’ math assignments

However, they struggle with the other 3/4

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After twenty years of marriage, a guy suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want sex pull, my dick hundred and ninety-eight times."

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

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My friend isn't speaking to me after I gave him a Beatles suggestion.

He asked me what Beatles album he should pick up, and I told him "Dude, you need to get Help."

In these trying times, we all need to put our differences aside and make a special prayer for President Donald Trump. I suggest Psalm 109:8 ...

... "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

As The White House suggests the peak could be in sight.

Scientists warn that in reality, Trump has several levels of stupidity to go yet.

Does anyone have any suggestions for a name for a one-legged girl?

My wife is really against calling her Eileen.

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

Facebook keeps suggesting that I watch videos of former American Vice Presidents dancing.

All to do with the Al Gore rhythms, apparently.

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

Dear men, when your girlfriend suggest which of her friends you want to be included in a threesome..

You are supposed to tell one name , not two..

Trust me, I'm speaking from experience...

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

Studies suggest that 50% of Americans will be obese by the year 2030

I think that shows initiative. Trying to get the number down that low that quick.

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

A couple is walking down St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve when they feel a slight precipitation.

"It's raining", says the man.

"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask this communist officer here. He's always right", suggests the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?"

"Definitely raining", replies Officer Rudolph before walking off.

T...

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

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A elderly man walks into a crowded hospital waiting room for a check up

He goes up to the receptionist and she says “what are you in here for sir?” The man reply’s “there’s something wrong with my dick” disgusted the receptionist reply’s “you shouldn’t say such things in such a crowded place” “well what am I supposed to say then?” The man reply’s “something like there’s...

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

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Man goes to the Doctor

Man goes to the Doctor for a check-up. He says to the Doctor, "I'm getting so fat, I can't even see my penis."
Doctor says to him, "You should diet!"
The man answers, "Great! What color do you suggest?"

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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I've dry skin & a friend suggested that I use Shea Butter, but I can't do that

Cuz I'm Sunni.

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The wooden eye and the hunch back

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his fri...

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

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I suggested to my wife that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently that's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I am not very political but it seem to me that Trump's suggestion to drink Chlorox bleach...

is grounds for Imbleachment.

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing

She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation.

What did Zelda suggest to Link when diplomacy didn't work?

Try-force

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An Australian radio host is running a competition to great a new word and ask callers to suggest one

Caller one : garn

Host : can you use it in a sentence?

Caller one : garn get fucked (hangs up)

Host : ok, let's try again again, what's your word?

Caller 2 : smee

Host : and can you use it in a sentence?

Caller two : smee again, garn get fucked

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed.

On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed.

After I ran out of toilet paper, a friend suggested using pages from an old book

That worked OK I guess, but now I'm looking for suggestions to clean a Kindle.

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At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

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Applying for a sales position

A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:

\- Do you have sales experience?

\- Yes sir, I worked selling clothes.

The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:

\- Come to work tomorrow at 9 AM. You'll work al...

A Chinese woman suggests to her husband that they should 69

The husband replies..."But isnt it a bit late for beef and broccoli?"

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

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The Kid's Betting Habits

A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted...

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

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Moby Dick and his girlfriend

Tilt a boat over by blowing on it, causing the sailors to fall overboard. When he suggest they eat the sailors, his girlfriend said.

'Look, I already helped you with the blowjob, but I am not going to swallow the seamen.'

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Jack was a virgin, and asked his friend Jim for advice prior to his first sexual experience.

Jack had been dating Jill for a few weeks. A few days ago, she proposed that he spend the night at her house, and Jack was a bit nervous as he was a virgin. He sought to his friend Jim, who was quite a player, for some advice.

Since most of what Jim tried explaining to Jack went over his hea...

Why has President Trump suggested people avoid gatherings of more that 10 people?

Any higher and his supporters would have to remove their shoes and socks to continue counting.

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie - I've rewritten the military coding for letters. I would appreciate anybody suggestions or improvements here...

Anchovies
Beetlejuice
Cannibal
Deadpool
Echidna
Fallopian
Gallifrey
Hepatitis
Imp
Jabberwocky
Kippersnacks
Lynch (all CIA guys' name)
Megamind
Nala
Octuplets
Paper
Quirky
Rock
Scissors
Tarantula
Umbilical
Vaccine
Wombat
Xystarch (l...

Panicking Poodle

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says...

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One of my friends from Beijing is a huge Taylor Swift fan and asked me to suggest an album of her..

I told him to search for T.S.1989..

haven't heard from him ever since...

An old man suspects that his wife has become deaf as she wasn't responding to him

So he calls the doctor to make an appointment. The doctor suggests to make a rough measure of her deafness before bringing her into the hospital.

He sees her wife working at the kitchen.

He stands 30 feet away from her and asks,
"Honey, is the dinner ready?"
She doesn't respond<...

An orange, a pea, and a lemon are barhopping

They visit bar after bar, getting as many drinks as they can before they're cut off, and getting further away from home.

Orange notices a large hill, and suggests rolling down it to get back home. The pea and the lemon think this is a great idea, and they all climb up the hill.

Now a...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

Three ladies were enjoying wine spritzers, when one suggested they play a game!

She proposed each wife describe which Soda Pop best described their husband in bed?

The First Lady said “my husband is Dr.Pepper, because every night he’s peppy”!

They all giggled!

The second lady said “my husband is 7UP, cause he can get it up 7 days a week”!

The ladie...

Can anyone suggest a joke where <silence> is the punch? I have one...

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

The Talking Cat (Original)

Two French brothers are out fishing when one hooks something on his line. After a lot of huffing and puffing by the two of them, they pull up a small wooden chest. They open it, and inside there is a small tabby cat with a note that says "This is a magical talking cat. Please take care of him."...

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card

\-He's a man after my own heart

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

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A man has not gotten laid in a while.

A man has not gotten laid in a while. So his friends suggests a prostitute. He is not sure about it at first, but he goes.

That night, the man finds her and drives her to a hotel. On the drive, the man decides to try and to brighten the mood. He looks at her and says "Hey, they call me woody ...

Senior Moment Explained

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor cons...

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

When they're all 35 years old, they discuss where they should meet up. One friend suggests they should go to the cabin located at the outskirts of a smal...

Doctor visit #2

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, and as I'm getting on in years, the doctor suggested I get a colonoscopy. He says, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, so I'm just letting you know it's totally normal to get an erection during the exam."

I said, "Oh, this isn't my first colon...

My wife wanted to watch a movie, I suggested Die Hard, which I borrowed from our 70 y.o neighbor Mr. Murry Habitt back in xmas. I said :

Old Habitt's Die Hard

V1. What do you call snacks with people you like?

Friend chips.

Open to edits and suggestions. My daughter helped with the crunchy part of the joke.

Apparently I wasn’t worthy of posting it to r/dadjokes because of my lack of commenting on other people’s posts to build up my street cred. Apparently up voting things isn’t enough.

on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Haro...

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His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but...

My wife suggested I read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.

I’m too good for it, and have a feeling that the book will try to lecture me.

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The other Donald [NSFW]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No".

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

...

My friend Jay had twin daughters recently, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kay and Elle.

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A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.

Now they are crying up there and saying it's too cold and dark.

New Texas Priest...

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggest...

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

Two nuns were riding their bikes back to the church.

The first nun suggests they take a detour down a back alley. A few minutes later the second nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The first nun says, “It’s the cobblestones.”

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

Studies suggest that

Studies suggest that 90% of sentences beginning with “studies suggest that” are actually not true.

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Three not-so-wise men

Three men are preparing to go on a sightseeing plane ride. They were just about to leave, but then they decided that they wanted some snacks for their plane ride, so they head to a local grocery store before going to the airport. While there, the first man buys an apple. The second man buys a pear. ...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

Is google a man or a woman?

Woman because she doesn't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.

Donald Trump had a close adviser named Hope Hicks. Which makes sense -- her name suggests his campaign strategy:

Say racist things and hope hicks will vote for you.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.


She turned out to be an undercover detective.


How cool is that at her age?!

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A farmer passing by his neighbours barn saw a strange sight inside

The farmer peered inside the barn door and there was his neighbour dancing around and taking off his clothes in front of an old John Deere. He knocks on the barn door, walks in and asks him why he’s stripping and dancing in his barn. The neighbour says that him and his wife have been having trouble ...

I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

I was nervous about getting my haircut, so my mum suggested that if I went in with a picture that it would help.

Now I'm sitting here even more nervous, with a photo of my old cat on my lap.

Cleveland Indians are going to change their name....

....I suggest Cleveland Bharati.

I was thinking about watching a romantic movie with my girlfriend tonight,

can anybody suggest me a good girlfriend? :)

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The Beatles were trying to decide where to take the photo for the Abbey Road album cover...

Nobody could agree.

George mentioned it was his birthday and suggested a day trip to visit their friend dear Prudence.

"We can drive my car," he offered.

"Don't bother me," Ringo agreed.

"But how would we get back after that hard day's night?" John pointed out. "Afte...

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My turn to translate a joke (from french)

So the school inspector enters a spanish course, and takes a sit in the back of the room, next to little Johnny.

The class begins, and the spanish teacher asks :
“Who can translate this sentence?” and writes the sentence on the board : “Mi perro es moreno”

Only little Johnny is rais...

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

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Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

After extensive research FDA suggests smoking cures

Ham

I decided to ruin my friend’s proposal to someone else, so here’s what happened

I think the title sounds worse than it really is. My (24M) best friend (24M) Hugh was planning to propose to his girlfriend Samantha (25F) by recreating some of the moments from their early dates. This included watching the Pixar movie Up and going rock climbing at an indoor gym, among other things....

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

What do you call it when someone suggests a strain of weed to you?

A reeference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. What do you suggest?"

"Pepper."

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A couple was having sex...

So this couple was having sex when all of a sudden the woman starts complaining that after the third time in a row, her vagina has become too sensitive and that she couldn't go on anymore.
Eager to continue and pragmatic as he is, the man immediately and with excitement suggests:

"Let's tr...

My doctor suggested yoga to reduce stress.

I told her that sounded like a stretch.

Someone suggested I grow out my hair, but only in the back.

Told him I'd mullet over.

Brown bears vs Grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

In this Quarantine, I'm planning to watch movie with my girlfriend.

Please suggest a good girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend suggested that I should get a nose job

But I just can't see my cock fitting into anyone's nostril

Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenegger are hanging out

Danny suggests they do some musical reenactment. Arnold, being the nice guy that he is agrees and let’s Danny choose who he will be. Danny chooses Mozart. As for Arnold, he’ll be Bach

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also p...

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