I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

A pie costs $2.20 in Jamaica and $1.90 in Cuba.

Does anyone else know the pie rates of the Caribbean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why Japan has one of the lowest obesity rates in the world?

Because the last time there was a Fat Man in their country, it didn't end well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever my German girlfriend and I have sex, she rates her experience on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we were trying anal for the first time, she kept screaming “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” That’s the best I’ve ever done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a prostitute and asked what her rate was for handjobs

She told me about ten strokes per second

I think it Hertz

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10 and I’m glad to say she gave me a nein

Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

My husband asked me to rate his hearing

So I told him that he was an eight on a scale of ten

"Why the hell should I do that?" he replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Japan have low birth and obesity rates?

Coz the last time they saw a fat man and a little boy 200,000 people died.

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas

Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean

The exchange rate in France is terrible.

$100 U.S. is only a cent in France

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My german wife rates me in bed

Guess she likes anal when she screams nine, nine, nine.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

Apparently Hogwarts has a low teen pregnancy rate.

Research shows it is singlehandedly due to the spell - DELETUS FETUS

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends bragged about who has had the most sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and I have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women.”

Friend B says “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most ...

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are shown to have lower rates of autism than vaccinated children.

Because a dead two year old can't be fucking diagnosed with autism.

I'm not native speaker, how would you rate this ?

A student is taking the chemistry class. The subject is acids and bases. An another student can't figure out whether NH3 is an acid or a base. The student tells him "Oh, it's so basic! How can't you know that ?"


Or should I say, is it a proper joke ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

A man saves memes at the rate of 3 per minute. In how many hours can he save 30?

I freaked out after reading this in my son's textbook

What do you call a poor area with high crime rates in Italy?

A sphagetto.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the best way to rate / review prostitutes ?

On a scale of "best bang for your buck."

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

Do you know why non-vaccinated people have the lowest drinking rates out of everybody else?

They can never age up to 18.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

If I had to rate my girlfriend

I’d give her a √ -100

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

I've wanted to become an astronaut ever since I was a kid, but decided not to after I heard about the 60% fatality rate.

Shame too, only 40% off.

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

Haven’t you heard? Some pirates are going for a career change to bankers, and they’ve got good rates.

Pi-rates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Why do mathematicians have the lowest murder rate?

There's safety in numbers.

A girl asked me to rate her on a scale from 1 to 20

I rated her a 14 because she's pretty basic.

What do you call an urban area in France with a low average income and high rates of criminality?

A baghuetto

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

Why is everyone in North Korea illiterate?

Because there can only be one Supreme Reader.

Please rate my absolutely horrendous joke

So, two detectives of the NYPD are investigating a murder, and have three suspects:
Bob,
Archibald,
Mark.

Bob being the prime suspect, and Mark being the least suspected of the three.

They take Bob into the interrogation room hoping for a quick and easy confession. However, ...

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Why do Long Islander's have the lowest suicide rate in the US?

Jersey is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Why are North Korean literacy rates so high?

Because they have the supreme reader.

How would you rate a really ugly Brazilian?

1 out of 7

Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get tw...

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...

The other 20% are missing.

We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

School shooting rates in America have dropped by crazy amounts over the past 2 months

The Summertime truly does bring miracles

Unemployment rates at bondage studios are high.

Most candidates are unwilling to learn the ropes.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does an orgasm and a heart rate have in common?

I don't care whether she has one.

New York City just published its annual index of the death rates caused by plunging from balconies

Sadly, they're still falling

They say families were larger in the past due to higher child mortality rates....

but as it turns out, your great-great-great-GREEEEAAAT-Grandma really just loved her some D

Michigan is leading in rates of both marital infidelity and depression.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.