If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

Google sky asked me to rate our solar system.

You can only give it one star.

What’s the best rated flag?

The US, it has fifty stars!

COVID 19 infection is asymptomatic in children, but has an elevated fatality rate among the elderly.

They should call it "KO Boomer."

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

I traded my car to get my interest rates lowered

It worked, women are now less interested in me.

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Why a Merc is among the top rated cars

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.
Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says ...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

Rate this pun

My girlfriend said "I want to know more about the universe" after her teacher had taught a lesson about the fundamentals of the universe. I responded with "thats quarky"

I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded “Safaris pretty good.”

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Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10

Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale from 1-10.

Last night, we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That’s the best I’ve ever done.

I found a place that has a 98% recycling rate.

r/Jokes.

Just started using Tinder and my success rate is amazing!

Apparently I am completely unmatched.

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

My dog makes sure I walk every day, keeps my heart rate up.

I call her FitBit-ch

How do I rate my new car?

I accele-rate it

Why do couples that are into bondage have a high marriage rate?

They love to tie the knot.

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Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate?

Because last time there was a Fat Man, 8000 people died.

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Do you know why Japan has one of the lowest obesity rates in the world?

Because the last time there was a Fat Man in their country, it didn't end well

My dad recently informed me I am part of the 1%.

He also told me about how condoms have a 99% success rate.

Hell explained by a Chemistry student

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which so...

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

Went to see a movie last night which had an overall rating of 3.14

It was pirated.

The nearby brothel now offers a flat rate.

They call it All You Can Eat.

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

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Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

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Why is the birth rate so high in India?

Because everytime they finish having sex, they say "Thank you! Come again"

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The fertility rate is at an all-time low...

...we’re so fat, we can’t even fuck.

(Courtesy of my mum) Why has crime rates gone up in the past 10 years?

Because they're removing all the phone boxes so superman has nowhere to change.

Trump asks his aides how the press has rated his performance yesterday..

His assistant opens the newspaper to a headline:
A complete ****show!
- four stars, mr. President!

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

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I went to a prostitute and asked what her rate was for handjobs

She told me about ten strokes per second

I think it Hertz

At my restaurant, I offer an all-you-can-eat menu of roadkill.

It's truly a flat rate.

Why couldn’t the kids see a pirate movie?

Because it was rated argh

Since it the unemployment rate in America is at all time low...

A record amount of Americans are having trouble finding a third job.

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10 and I’m glad to say she gave me a nein

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What do you call the top rated comment on r/jokes

A shitty pun

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

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A mechanics professor is noticing his class is losing interest...

... so he decides to ask them a question to keep them on their toes.

*"What,"* he asks the class *"is the rate of change of speed?"*

*"Acceleration"* retorts the class.

*"And what, is the rate of change of Acceleration?"*

A couple of students in the class raises their han...

My husband asked me to rate his hearing

So I told him that he was an eight on a scale of ten

"Why the hell should I do that?" he replied

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A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?

A 10% survival rate



I’m so sorry

me: what makes you angry?

Pirate: When someone steals my p

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman.

A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STR...

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My german wife rates me in bed

Guess she likes anal when she screams nine, nine, nine.

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I'm not native speaker, how would you rate this ?

A student is taking the chemistry class. The subject is acids and bases. An another student can't figure out whether NH3 is an acid or a base. The student tells him "Oh, it's so basic! How can't you know that ?"


Or should I say, is it a proper joke ?

Apparently Hogwarts has a low teen pregnancy rate.

Research shows it is singlehandedly due to the spell - DELETUS FETUS

I started carrying a knife ever since an attempted mugging a couple years ago

Ever since then my mugging success rate has gone up

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

I drive around and sell pies. Key lime for $8 and pecan pie for $10.

Those are the pie rates of the car I be in.

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So... I saw this tadpole

Sat on top of a pile of xxx rated dvds earlier and i said to my friend,

"Is that frogspawn?"

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A new study shows that unvaccinated children are shown to have lower rates of autism than vaccinated children.

Because a dead two year old can't be fucking diagnosed with autism.

The exchange rate in France is terrible.

$100 U.S. is only a cent in France

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

Why are band and orchestra rated R?

All the sax and violins

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

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A woman suddenly goes into labour and gets rushed to the hospital.

The birth team struggles to keep up as she progresses through the expected stages at an unprecedented rate. There's no time for an epidural or anything more than getting her and the doctor in position before a healthy baby boy practically launches into the doctor's hands.

After the usual task...

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What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

The French Test Drive

An American couple took their honeymoon in France, and they loved it so much they decided they just had to live there. But the costly move left them in financial hardship. Eventually, they did both find jobs, but on opposite ends of the city, so they decided to buy a car.

"This one," said the...

I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs

I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

A guy was arrested for downloading a poorly rated movie.

It had only a rating of 3.14 on IMDB. But then again, it is illegal to download a pie-rated movie.

Ps: not my joke. Heard it today.

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

I've wanted to become an astronaut ever since I was a kid, but decided not to after I heard about the 60% fatality rate.

Shame too, only 40% off.

A pie costs $2.20 in Jamaica and $1.90 in Cuba.

Does anyone else know the pie rates of the Caribbean?

So my grandpas doc came into the room yesterday and he says to me he says

“Can you sing a song for me” and I say “sure doc” and so I sing my absolute favorite Billie Eilish song and he goes, “you’re just like your grandpas heart rate,” breaks into tears and goes, “A little flat” (read in your best gangster voice)

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

Do you know why non-vaccinated people have the lowest drinking rates out of everybody else?

They can never age up to 18.

Osama bin Laden rated America.

He gave us a 9/11.

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

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Must have been the Irish orchestra.

For Bruce Shackett

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penis enlargement drug made of duck beaks.

About half a year ago, Elon Musk and Bill Gates were taking a holiday together at an undisclosed location somewhere deep in the tropical rainforest. During their stay they encountered several tribes of natives. The members of those tribes all looked similar to each other, with one very noticeable ex...

Haven’t you heard? Some pirates are going for a career change to bankers, and they’ve got good rates.

Pi-rates.

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