UPJOKE
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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

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Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate?

They don’t like Fat Man and Little Boy

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Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

My new pickup line: Hey, are you an interest rate?

Because I’d love to Compound you.

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

At this rate, by year 2600 next to the wrecks of Titanic and Titan...

...there will be wrecks of Titanis, Titanius, Titanialis, Titanion, Titan-2, Titanik, Titanicque, and Titanium-Z!

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

Why was the Jazz movie rated R

Too much sax and violins

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A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

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Why does Japan have such low obesity rates?

Because the last time a fat man was there a whole city blew up.

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get tw...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

leather quality ratings

Leather is “rated” based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated “A”. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically D Hide-Rated.

Why is the unemployment rate increasing in Iran?

Because of all of the women quitting their 'Jabs

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

Why are divorce rates so high in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

If we rated Subreddits on eco friendliness, r/jokes would be the cleanest

Because around 99% of the content is recycled

I went online and rated our Solar System

Gave it one star.

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

Got a variable rate mortgage on a haunted house and a cheap psychic to cleanse the spirits.

A month later it was repossessed.

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A girl asked me to rate her ass. Instead, I rated her intelligence.

I rated her ass a 9.

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After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

'Arrr' rated

Some women say that girth is more important than length but you've never heard of 'Girth John Silver' have you?

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...

The other 20% are missing.

How did God respond to worldwide declining birth rates?

Sending thots and players.

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

The German exchange rate

You heard that one about the German eggs-change rate?

Apparently it's an ei for an ei!

Exchange rate is pretty rubbish at the moment…

€60 will only get you one pound… at the Dutch brothel.

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I’m writing a book where I document and rate all my poops

It’s called my log log

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

Fecal implant success rate...

One terd

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

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(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship?

9/11

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?

Love means nothing to them

3.14% of sailors are...

π-rates.

To increase foreign currency reserves, the Government of China is offering a limited-time double exchange rate offer.

Buy Yuan get Yuan free.

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Did you know that Viagra prescriptions are given at a higher rate in nursing homes than anywhere else?

It helps the men stop rolling out of bed!

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate.

I guess I’m just not a ‘do-it-yourself’ kind of person.

Rate this pun

My girlfriend said "I want to know more about the universe" after her teacher had taught a lesson about the fundamentals of the universe. I responded with "thats quarky"

Why does North Korea have the highest literacy rate?

Because Kim Jong-un is supreme reader!

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My German girlfriend used to rate me after sex

One time she suggested we try anal and the whole time she was screaming nine! Nine!

I was like yes! Best I ever did tbh.

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

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Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid sexy Flanders.

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

I want my bank to treat me the same way women do

0% interest rate

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I asked my wife to rate the last orgasm I gave her.

She said, "Sure, have you got a time machine?"

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

From 1 to 10 how do you rate your capacity to adapt to new technologies

IV

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What does an orgasm and a heart rate have in common?

I don't care whether she has one.

I'm so dumb and out of shape

My resting heart rate is higher than my IQ

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

Why is the teenage mexican pregnancy rate so high?

Cuz the teachers said "go home and do your essays"

Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19...

... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

If I rated my love for you from 1-10 it’d be pi

Because it is both infinite, and not that much.

Went to see a movie last night which had an overall rating of 3.14

It was pirated.

How would you rate a really ugly Brazilian?

1 out of 7

During lockdown, middle aged women are adopting dogs at a rapid rate.

It's called the manypaws.

I'll see myself out.

A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas

Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean

Why are crime rates down in the US?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

My teacher asked me if I know the unit for rate of deformities in Hapsburgs.....

I replied:"perhaps "

Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman?

OnlyFins.

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Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

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The fertility rate is at an all-time low...

...we’re so fat, we can’t even fuck.

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