Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

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Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10

Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills...

and for some reason she told me to "urinate on a skeleton"

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

Just started using Tinder and my success rate is amazing!

Apparently I am completely unmatched.

I found a place that has a 98% recycling rate.

r/Jokes.

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Why do couples that are into bondage have a high marriage rate?

They love to tie the knot.

How do I rate my new car?

I accele-rate it

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Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate?

Because last time there was a Fat Man, 8000 people died.

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Why is the birth rate so high in India?

Because everytime they finish having sex, they say "Thank you! Come again"

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The fertility rate is at an all-time low...

...we’re so fat, we can’t even fuck.

The nearby brothel now offers a flat rate.

They call it All You Can Eat.

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Do you know why Japan has one of the lowest obesity rates in the world?

Because the last time there was a Fat Man in their country, it didn't end well

(Courtesy of my mum) Why has crime rates gone up in the past 10 years?

Because they're removing all the phone boxes so superman has nowhere to change.

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

Trump asks his aides how the press has rated his performance yesterday..

His assistant opens the newspaper to a headline:
A complete ****show!
- four stars, mr. President!

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

Went to see a movie last night which had an overall rating of 3.14

It was pirated.

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

Since it the unemployment rate in America is at all time low...

A record amount of Americans are having trouble finding a third job.

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I went to a prostitute and asked what her rate was for handjobs

She told me about ten strokes per second

I think it Hertz

What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?

A 10% survival rate



I’m so sorry

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10 and I’m glad to say she gave me a nein

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Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

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What do you call the top rated comment on r/jokes

A shitty pun

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

My husband asked me to rate his hearing

So I told him that he was an eight on a scale of ten

"Why the hell should I do that?" he replied

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

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My german wife rates me in bed

Guess she likes anal when she screams nine, nine, nine.

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

The exchange rate in France is terrible.

$100 U.S. is only a cent in France

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I'm not native speaker, how would you rate this ?

A student is taking the chemistry class. The subject is acids and bases. An another student can't figure out whether NH3 is an acid or a base. The student tells him "Oh, it's so basic! How can't you know that ?"


Or should I say, is it a proper joke ?

Apparently Hogwarts has a low teen pregnancy rate.

Research shows it is singlehandedly due to the spell - DELETUS FETUS

Did you hear about the movie “Mozart”?

It was rated R for excessive violins

What's the difference between sailors and gluttons?

One worries about pirates while the other worries about pie rates!

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

A pie costs $2.20 in Jamaica and $1.90 in Cuba.

Does anyone else know the pie rates of the Caribbean?

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A new study shows that unvaccinated children are shown to have lower rates of autism than vaccinated children.

Because a dead two year old can't be fucking diagnosed with autism.

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What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

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The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

What do you call a poor area with high crime rates in Italy?

A sphagetto.

A guy was arrested for downloading a poorly rated movie.

It had only a rating of 3.14 on IMDB. But then again, it is illegal to download a pie-rated movie.

Ps: not my joke. Heard it today.

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

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What is the best way to rate / review prostitutes ?

On a scale of "best bang for your buck."

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

A man saves memes at the rate of 3 per minute. In how many hours can he save 30?

I freaked out after reading this in my son's textbook

I told this gamer chick...

You wanna experience the fastest data transfer rate known to man?

She was very excited until I unzipped my pants.

:rimshot:

I've wanted to become an astronaut ever since I was a kid, but decided not to after I heard about the 60% fatality rate.

Shame too, only 40% off.

Do you know why non-vaccinated people have the lowest drinking rates out of everybody else?

They can never age up to 18.

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

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Life is a sexually transmitted disease

and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

Osama bin Laden rated America.

He gave us a 9/11.

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

Haven’t you heard? Some pirates are going for a career change to bankers, and they’ve got good rates.

Pi-rates.

In chemistry class, the teacher asked a girl, what is 'nitrate'?

Girl: "$100 + hotel room bill.. this is my night rate!!"

Why do mathematicians have the lowest murder rate?

There's safety in numbers.

Please rate my absolutely horrendous joke

So, two detectives of the NYPD are investigating a murder, and have three suspects:
Bob,
Archibald,
Mark.

Bob being the prime suspect, and Mark being the least suspected of the three.

They take Bob into the interrogation room hoping for a quick and easy confession. However, ...

I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese.

It was G rated.

A girl asked me to rate her on a scale from 1 to 20

I rated her a 14 because she's pretty basic.

I walk into the hospital...

Nurse: on a scale from 1 to 5, how would you rate your pain
Me: zero stars
Nurse: ...
Me: definitely would not recommend

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

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