This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

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I asked my wife to rate the last orgasm I gave her.

She said, "Sure, have you got a time machine?"

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10...

...last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9! 9! 9! That’s my best score yet!

My teacher asked me if I know the unit for rate of deformities in Hapsburgs.....

I replied:"perhaps "

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother..

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A girl asked me to rate her ass. Instead, I rated her intelligence.

I rated her ass a 9.

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman?

OnlyFins.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

What do you call a music game rated for everyone?

E minor.

The German exchange rate

You heard that one about the German eggs-change rate?

Apparently it's an ei for an ei!

Hey, could somebody remind me how to increase the hertz rate to my monitor?

I need a quick refresher.

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My German girlfriend used to rate me after sex

One time she suggested we try anal and the whole time she was screaming nine! Nine!

I was like yes! Best I ever did tbh.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.

His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class ...

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a...

...Flat Fee.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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Why does Japan have a low obesity rate?

Because last time there was a fat man 80,000 people died

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

The doctor told me to rate my pain.

Apparently "zero stars, would not recommend" was the wrong answer.

I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower..

It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..
(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe)

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If Alabama was a porn movie...

It would be rated PG - Parental Guidance suggested.

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

During lockdown, middle aged women are adopting dogs at a rapid rate.

It's called the manypaws.

I'll see myself out.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

Boss hired a secretary

10 days later the Boss *committed suicide* by jumping from his 27th floor office...

Police : Who was there at that time in the room ?


Secretary : I was there.


Police :What happened ? Why did he commit suicide ?


Secretary :He was a good man. One day he bought ...

Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19...

... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.

My husband asked me to rate his looks so I told him he was a solid 10

He seemed very pleased until I added that he was more of a 63 when we first met.

Chicken pie in the Bahamas...

A chicken pie in the Bahamas costs $7, while a shepherd's pie, in Jamaica, costs $8. But a mushroom pie in Bermuda only costs $3.

That's right.

Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

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3 friends decided to drive around the city and make random people happy.

First they went to a pub and paid for everyone's drinks.

As they were leaving old man sitting alone in a booth calls for them and says "Hey, you guys really made my morning."


Next, they drove to an area with a lot of homeless people and gave every homeless person free blankets, clo...

Christian Eriksen Joke

Some people may doubt Christian Eriksen's work rate on the pitch at times, but he gave his heart out there.

Disclaimer* just a joke, Eriksen is a legend - from a spurs fan

I asked my wife “on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate yourself?” And in a sassy tone, she said “11”.

I told her “Must be a pH scale cause you’re basic as hell.”

Why is the teenage mexican pregnancy rate so high?

Cuz the teachers said "go home and do your essays"

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

Why is the movie about the early Germanic people rated r

It contains Saxon violence.

Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?

Love means nothing to them

Do you know why pies are so expensive in the Bahamas?

or are you ignorant of the pie rates of the Caribbean?

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What event does a weightlifter with a masturbation addiction and fast recharge rate do.

The clean and jerk.

Got in trouble with wife last night....

I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova.
She said "Because I am so hot?"
I shouldn't have replied "no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate."

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

I hear that r/Jokes has the highest childbirth rate

Because people keep making jokes in the comment section

Today is a good day, not great, not bad, you know, just good.

I rate this day 5/7

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I just watched that new peanut butter falcon movie. If I had to rate it

I'd give it a 24 out of 23.

If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded “Safaris pretty good.”

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Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica.

The same apple pie costs $3.00 in the Dominican Republic.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

Coronavirus has a ~0.2% mortality rate among young people, so in a class of 50, if everyone got it, there would be a ~10% chance of anyone dying

I nominate Jared

If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

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Every time I have sex with my German girlfriend she rates it.

Today I set a new high score which was 9 (NOT OC)

The stereotype of Persians used to be that they’re very cheap.

A Persian man’s wife died. After the burial he called the newspaper to write the obituary.

“Put ‘Sarah died’” he said

*Sir, you’re not paying us by word, it’s a flat rate... you can write a whole sentence if you like.*

“Put ‘Sarah died yesterday’”

*Sir, you can add six mo...

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

Why should people under 18 never drink soda?

Because they're A-rated beverages

(Aerated)

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

How do you make a pirate angry?

By taking away the P.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

Why don’t pirates do very well in school?

They’re only used to high C’s

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

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Do you know why Japan has one of the lowest obesity rates in the world?

Because the last time there was a Fat Man in their country, it didn't end well

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

My activist friend was extremely sad after the recent news that recycling rates were at an all time low

Until I showed her r/jokes

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

Did you know?

That 3.14% of sailors are PI-rates?

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

.

You can't get pregnant during '69.

Next week, I’ll have been married for one year. My skills must not be developing at the rate I imagined, because when I told my wife I was getting the laundry...

...she instructed me to make sure I take the clothes out of the dryer and clean the lint trap.

What’s the worst rated US State on yelp?

The Lone Star State.

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

Went to see a movie last night which had an overall rating of 3.14

It was pirated.

Rate this pun

My girlfriend said "I want to know more about the universe" after her teacher had taught a lesson about the fundamentals of the universe. I responded with "thats quarky"

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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

On a scale of 1 to 11, how would you rate Arabs?

9 out of 11

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

What do you call a group of sailors that eat turnovers?

Pie-rates

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

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