UPJOKE
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A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

Why is the unemployment rate increasing in Iran?

Because of all of the women quitting their 'Jabs

If we rated Subreddits on eco friendliness, r/jokes would be the cleanest

Because around 99% of the content is recycled

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Why does Japan have such low obesity rates?

Because the last time a fat man was there a whole city blew up.

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Bragging About Sex

Three guys were sitting at the bar begin to brag about their sex life….

First guy said "You all have nothing on me. I come to the bar and bring home a different woman every night. Not only that but I drive a sports car into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1...

I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!

I just love my Asymp tote bag.

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Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

How did God respond to worldwide declining birth rates?

Sending thots and players.

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

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I’m writing a book where I document and rate all my poops

It’s called my log log

People act like PETA is the only charity that has an 85% death rate.

But what about Make-A-Wish?

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

Why do pirates love strip clubs?

Because they love seeing booty

Agreement

My wife and I have an agreement that works...

She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family...

After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.

A county official noticed an increase in the town’s birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it’s too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…

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After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

l asked my wife to rate my listening skills…

l asked my wife to rate my listening
skills and she said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."

I still don't get why she wanted me to
urinate on a skeleton.

my girlfriend borrowed $100 from me, after 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100

I lost interest in that relationship.

if a hooker has a small chest,

does that mean she charges a flat rate?

Three friends are chatting about interest rates.

The first man says, "The Fed is killing me. I took out a 50K home-equity line of credit to put in that swimming pool."

The second man says, "Dude, I took out 100K for my reno, and it ended up costing 200K."

They look at the third guy, "What about you?"

"I took out a 500K line-of...

'Arrr' rated

Some women say that girth is more important than length but you've never heard of 'Girth John Silver' have you?

New jokes on this sub are often rated at the square root of -100

They would be a 10, but new jokes here are imaginary.

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

Exchange rate is pretty rubbish at the moment…

€60 will only get you one pound… at the Dutch brothel.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

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Why is Japan's birth rate so low?

Because the last time they had a little boy...

From 1 to 10 how do you rate your capacity to adapt to new technologies

IV

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

If I rated my love for you from 1-10 it’d be pi

Because it is both infinite, and not that much.

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother..

I just saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies.

It was rated Squeegee-13.

Hospital statistics

A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it’s open heart surgery.
In Australia it’s liver transplants.
And in Russia it’s opening a window…

Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

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A psychology teacher is giving a lecture at a college about how sexual frequency is over rated...

The teacher goes on to exclaim the frequency of couples have sexual relations varies from person to person. He decides to take a short poll to prove his point. He asks, "How many of you have relations each day?" One-quarter of the students raise their hand. Okay, "Now how many of you have relations ...

I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate.

I guess I’m just not a ‘do-it-yourself’ kind of person.

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A girl asked me to rate her ass. Instead, I rated her intelligence.

I rated her ass a 9.

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I asked my wife to rate the last orgasm I gave her.

She said, "Sure, have you got a time machine?"

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A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse…

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse, and he walks up to the local horse dealer and asks him about the horses he has to offer.

The horse dealer is telling the cowboy about one of the horses when the cowboy begins to lose interest. Out of the corner of his eye, the cowboy’s spotted the most ...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...

The bartender says "hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants". The pirate replies, "aye, it's driving me nuts".

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

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My German girlfriend used to rate me after sex

One time she suggested we try anal and the whole time she was screaming nine! Nine!

I was like yes! Best I ever did tbh.

My teacher asked me if I know the unit for rate of deformities in Hapsburgs.....

I replied:"perhaps "

The German exchange rate

You heard that one about the German eggs-change rate?

Apparently it's an ei for an ei!

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Flash Sale!

With gas prices being so high, and inflation rising at such an alarming rate, I have no choice but to shamefully sell my nudes.

$1 to receive one
$50 to NOT receive one

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

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Nate and the chicken

Nate had just gotten out of prison, after serving a 5 year sentence for drug possession. He wanted to get laid, so he went to a brothel. The rates were well out of his price range, as he only had $20, but the madam of the brothel said, "Ok. I'll cut you a deal. We have a chicken you can fuck. Now, I...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

A man and his friend walk into a bar and he orders a water.

When he gets the water, he takes a sip. His friend asks, "How's the water?"

He responds, "It's great! Best water I've ever had! I'd rate it a perfect seven out of fourteen!"

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a...

...Flat Fee.

What did the pirate CEO say to his crew?

Argh you have to work harder! Our **sails** are down!

What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman?

OnlyFins.

Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?

Love means nothing to them

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Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

Fecal implant success rate...

One terd

An apple pie in Jamaica cost $2 and in Barbados its $1.90

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

Coronavirus has a ~0.2% mortality rate among young people, so in a class of 50, if everyone got it, there would be a ~10% chance of anyone dying

I nominate Jared

During lockdown, middle aged women are adopting dogs at a rapid rate.

It's called the manypaws.

I'll see myself out.

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

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