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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10...

...last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9! 9! 9! That’s my best score yet!

Fecal implant success rate...

One terd

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Japan has appointed a 'Minister of Loneliness' after seeing suicide rates in the country increase for the first time in 11 years.

I bet the nominee jumped at the chance.

Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19...

... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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Why does Japan have a low obesity rate?

Because last time there was a fat man 80,000 people died

My husband asked me to rate his looks so I told him he was a solid 10

He seemed very pleased until I added that he was more of a 63 when we first met.

During lockdown, middle aged women are adopting dogs at a rapid rate.

It's called the manypaws.

I'll see myself out.

The doctor told me to rate my pain.

Apparently "zero stars, would not recommend" was the wrong answer.

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again,...

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica.

The same apple pie costs $3.00 in the Dominican Republic.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bught your mother

Why is the movie about the early Germanic people rated r

It contains Saxon violence.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

You know, if I had to rate our solar system

I’d probably give it one star

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

Why is the teenage mexican pregnancy rate so high?

Cuz the teachers said "go home and do your essays"

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What event does a weightlifter with a masturbation addiction and fast recharge rate do.

The clean and jerk.

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

I asked my wife “on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate yourself?” And in a sassy tone, she said “11”.

I told her “Must be a pH scale cause you’re basic as hell.”

I hear that r/Jokes has the highest childbirth rate

Because people keep making jokes in the comment section

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

What do you call a 3.14 long sea raider?

A pi-rate.

Why don’t pirates do very well in school?

They’re only used to high C’s

COVID Vaccine Efficacy

Researchers from the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara in Mexico discovered that a single dose of the corona virus vaccine was capable of alleviating life-threatening and reducing transmission rates by 87%.

An audio excerpt from the conversations of the two researchers, C. Guillermo and H. ...

Clocks, Trump, and Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded “Safaris pretty good.”

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

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My grandma always said...

Growing up, my grandma always said: "a penis ate is a penny earned". She was a wise woman, but I'm starting to think that her rates were kind of low.

Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?

Love means nothing to them

How do you make a pirate angry?

By taking away the P.

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

Why do men have a higher suicide rate than women?

Cause we believe in commitment. :D

Orphan joke

Why aren’t orphans allowed to watch most movies? Because their rated PG )parental guidance.)

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

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Every time I have sex with my German girlfriend she rates it.

Today I set a new high score which was 9 (NOT OC)

Snakebite

Two buddies were riding their horses through the wilderness when they stopped by a creek to fill their canteens. While Joe crouched down, Clyde went downstream to take a leak.
"Tarantion!" Clyde shouted, "that there rattler done bit me on the weener!"
Joe shot the snake dead and told Clyde...

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

I once had a 2nd shift job, 3pm-11pm.

They even had a shift differential!

After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.

I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was....

If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

Could somebody here remind me how to increase the hertz rate to my monitor?

I need a quick refresher.

What’s the worst rated US State on yelp?

The Lone Star State.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

.

You can't get pregnant during '69.

My activist friend was extremely sad after the recent news that recycling rates were at an all time low

Until I showed her r/jokes

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

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Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

Two clever nuns

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and...

Why were kids banned from watching a pirate film

Because it was rated rrrrrrrrr

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

When I grow up and have kids in a couple of decades. I won't be worried when the day comes they ask for for the newest released M rated game. I'm confident I won't even need to play its unsuitable.

I mean I've played GTA 5 before.

Sleep patterns are fascinating.

There's light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can't easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

Why didn't they let the 11 year old into the pirate movie?

Because it was rated "Arrrr!"

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why Japan has one of the lowest obesity rates in the world?

Because the last time there was a Fat Man in their country, it didn't end well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

On a scale of 1 to 11, how would you rate Arabs?

9 out of 11

Hey what’s up?

COVID rates

Rate this pun

My girlfriend said "I want to know more about the universe" after her teacher had taught a lesson about the fundamentals of the universe. I responded with "thats quarky"

What’s the best rated flag?

The US, it has fifty stars!

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

There once were two people out in the woods...

When they happened to come upon an old well. One person looks at the other and says, "I wonder how deep that well is."

The other responds, "We can figure that out quick enough. Grab one of these logs here, toss it down the well, and count how long it takes to splash."

So the two find a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

A movie with 3.14 rating

is a pirated movie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why a Merc is among the top rated cars

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.
Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says ...

What has three legs and three eyes?

Three pirates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

COVID 19 infection is asymptomatic in children, but has an elevated fatality rate among the elderly.

They should call it "KO Boomer."

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

I traded my car to get my interest rates lowered

It worked, women are now less interested in me.

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

Why is it illegal for American kids to watch pirated movies?

Because they're rated ARRRRGH!

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

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