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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate?

The last time they had a fat man, 80000 people died.

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?

Love means nothing to them

What’s the worst rated US State on yelp?

The Lone Star State.

Could somebody here remind me how to increase the hertz rate to my monitor?

I need a quick refresher.

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.

"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doctor had a very st...

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Every time I have sex with my German girlfriend she rates it.

Today I set a new high score which was 9 (NOT OC)

About 70 Percent of the suicide rate is male, Why?

Till death do us part.

Why do men have a higher suicide rate than women?

Cause we believe in commitment. :D

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

.

You can't get pregnant during '69.

When I grow up and have kids in a couple of decades. I won't be worried when the day comes they ask for for the newest released M rated game. I'm confident I won't even need to play its unsuitable.

I mean I've played GTA 5 before.

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

Coronavirus has a ~0.2% mortality rate among young people, so in a class of 50, if everyone got it, there would be a ~10% chance of anyone dying

I nominate Jared

My activist friend was extremely sad after the recent news that recycling rates were at an all time low

Until I showed her r/jokes

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

Why is that ship called 3.14?

Because it’s filled with π-rates.

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Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10

Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.

A Doctor tells his patient that it’s okay to smoke, drink, be fat, etc

Patient: But isn’t that bad?

Doctor: That’s why I have the highest patient return rate.

If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

Why did Trump cross The Road?

The Road is the name of a small business that fulfilled it's contract, exhausted all capital, and expected to be paid the rate that was agreed on.

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

A slice of pie is $2.50 in the Bahamas.

A slice of pie is $ 3.00 in Jamaica.

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

On a scale of 1 to 11, how would you rate Arabs?

9 out of 11

A movie with 3.14 rating

is a pirated movie

What’s the best rated flag?

The US, it has fifty stars!

A brunette and two blondes were hanging on a rope that was attached to a helicopter...

They were hanging on for dear life. However, they were told that the rope was going to break soon and that it could only support two people at this rate.

The two blondes started arguing about who should let go of the rope. The brunette didn't speak for most of the argument, but suddenly thoug...

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Are my testicles black? (First post but let me know if it is a repost)

Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Emba...

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You died and went to Hell. Satan is explaining why.

"You see, you're here because you masturbated too much. Each person here has a clock. The hands on the clock move based on how often you masturbated."

You say "oh come on, I did not masturbate that often."

"Well see that guy there? Look at his clock."

You look over at another pe...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

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Why a Merc is among the top rated cars

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.
Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says ...

Rate this pun

My girlfriend said "I want to know more about the universe" after her teacher had taught a lesson about the fundamentals of the universe. I responded with "thats quarky"

COVID 19 infection is asymptomatic in children, but has an elevated fatality rate among the elderly.

They should call it "KO Boomer."

I traded my car to get my interest rates lowered

It worked, women are now less interested in me.

I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded “Safaris pretty good.”

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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

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Good jokes.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
X------------------------X
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I...

I found a place that has a 98% recycling rate.

r/Jokes.

Man informs the bank 3months after his credit card got hacked

OC: Why didn't you inform us as soon as you came to know you card got hacked?

Man: Because the thief was spending less than my wife did.

OC: So why inform us now?

Man: The spending rate has 4x increased, seems like the thief's wife has started using it

What's a pirates favorite sci-fi book?

Aye, Robot

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Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

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2 guys are on a flight from London to Tokyo...

It’s about half way through their flight and the 2 guys hear a bang from outside the plane.

The pilot: Sorry folks, one of our engines has gone out, we still have 3 engines left so all is good, we just have to fly a little slower now so the flight will be half an hour longer.

*10 minut...

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Do you know why Japan has one of the lowest obesity rates in the world?

Because the last time there was a Fat Man in their country, it didn't end well

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

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A mathematician and a physicist...

... are invited to participate in a psychological experiment.

The first one is the mathematician.

He is guided into a room where his wife sits on a chair, only wearing lingerie, looking at him with lust and desire. The surprised mathematician is placed on a chair a few meters away.
...

Did you know that Cherry Pie is $15 in Barbados but only $10 in Antigua?

Arrr. Those be the Pie rates of the Caribbean today.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

A Man Walks Into A Bar And Notices A 12 Inch Tall Pianist In The Corner

A man walks into a bar and notices a 12 inch tall pianist in the corner, he walks up to the bartender and asks him about it. "Never mind that," The bartender replied, "This morning I found a magic lamp underneath the local bridge. Watch" the bartender then proceeded to rub the lamp and out came a g...

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

Just started using Tinder and my success rate is amazing!

Apparently I am completely unmatched.

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

I wish I could get lucky with banks as I am with women.

Women always offer a 0% interest rate.

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Abbott & Costello

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Righ...

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

How do I rate my new car?

I accele-rate it

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The fertility rate is at an all-time low...

...we’re so fat, we can’t even fuck.

After a Week of Diarrhea...

I would rate today's bowel movement a sold 2.

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

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Getting Old

An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.

The officer approaches the vehcile, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked ...

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

Why do couples that are into bondage have a high marriage rate?

They love to tie the knot.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

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Why is the birth rate so high in India?

Because everytime they finish having sex, they say "Thank you! Come again"

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

The nearby brothel now offers a flat rate.

They call it All You Can Eat.

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I went to a prostitute and asked what her rate was for handjobs

She told me about ten strokes per second

I think it Hertz

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

(Courtesy of my mum) Why has crime rates gone up in the past 10 years?

Because they're removing all the phone boxes so superman has nowhere to change.

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10 and I’m glad to say she gave me a nein

In Jamaica pies cost $4.76, in the Cuba pies cost $3.89, and in Haiti pies cost $3.23.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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