The 79+ Best Rate Jokes

To increase foreign currency reserves, the Government of China is offering a limited-time double exchange rate offer.

Buy Yuan get Yuan free.

Why are divorce rates so high in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.

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Did you know that Viagra prescriptions are given at a higher rate in nursing homes than anywhere else?

It helps the men stop rolling out of bed!

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

leather quality ratings

Leather is “rated” based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated “A”. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically D Hide-Rated.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

Why is the unemployment rate increasing in Iran?

Because of all of the women quitting their 'Jabs

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

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Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid sexy Flanders.

If we rated Subreddits on eco friendliness, r/jokes would be the cleanest

Because around 99% of the content is recycled

How much did it cost the pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buck an ear

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Why does Japan have such low obesity rates?

Because the last time a fat man was there a whole city blew up.

I went to an Irish pub for the first time.

It was St. Patrick's Day and they were having an all-day happy hour. Half-price Guinness all day. Who could resist?

So I walk in, and I hear a lot of conversations around me, and I notice pretty much all of the people in there are Irish. Well, I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb, so I d...

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The Barber (long)

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!

“So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” w...

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

pie

In Jamaica you can buy a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95.

...

I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!

I just love my Asymp tote bag.

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Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

How did God respond to worldwide declining birth rates?

Sending thots and players.

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Bragging About Sex

Three guys were sitting at the bar begin to brag about their sex life….

First guy said "You all have nothing on me. I come to the bar and bring home a different woman every night. Not only that but I drive a sports car into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1...

Netflix has devised the perfect way to stop the distribution of pirated movies

They now block all movies with an IMDB rating of 3.14 ;)

Pi-rated .. sorry ;)

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

Why can't you tell pirate jokes to kids?

Because they're all ARRRRR rated!

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

3.14% of sailors are

Pi-rates.

Three Questions

Guy goes to a lawyer. "I've got some trouble. What is your lowest rate?"
"I'll answer three questions for $100."
"That's nuts! How can you charge that?"
"Quite easily, sir. Now, what is your third and final question?"

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Bambi

As soon as Harry and his wife entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt walked up to Harry and became very friendly.

Harry brushed her off.

Harriet quickly objected,

\- "Harry, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
...

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I’m writing a book where I document and rate all my poops

It’s called my log log

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

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My wife is one in a million.

Or at least that's the defect rate the sex doll company swears by.

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

My grandmother has had 3 strokes this year…

At this rate she’ll never finish this handjob.

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After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

Why do pirates love strip clubs?

Because they love seeing booty

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

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A freshman college woman is midway through the semester...

...and at her current rate of academic performance she's going to fail one of her classes. So after class she approaches the professor, a mid 40s man, and says "professor, I'll do anything to pass this class." The professor replies "My office hours are on the syllabus, you're free to come by and tal...

'Arrr' rated

Some women say that girth is more important than length but you've never heard of 'Girth John Silver' have you?

New jokes on this sub are often rated at the square root of -100

They would be a 10, but new jokes here are imaginary.

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

Three friends are chatting about interest rates.

The first man says, "The Fed is killing me. I took out a 50K home-equity line of credit to put in that swimming pool."

The second man says, "Dude, I took out 100K for my reno, and it ended up costing 200K."

They look at the third guy, "What about you?"

"I took out a 500K line-of...

Exchange rate is pretty rubbish at the moment…

€60 will only get you one pound… at the Dutch brothel.

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Why is Japan's birth rate so low?

Because the last time they had a little boy...

my girlfriend borrowed $100 from me, after 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100

I lost interest in that relationship.

From 1 to 10 how do you rate your capacity to adapt to new technologies

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother..

Agreement

My wife and I have an agreement that works...

She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family...

If I rated my love for you from 1-10 it’d be pi

Because it is both infinite, and not that much.

After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.

A county official noticed an increase in the town’s birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it’s too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

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A girl asked me to rate her ass. Instead, I rated her intelligence.

I rated her ass a 9.

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I asked my wife to rate the last orgasm I gave her.

She said, "Sure, have you got a time machine?"

if a hooker has a small chest,

does that mean she charges a flat rate?

I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate.

I guess I’m just not a ‘do-it-yourself’ kind of person.

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A psychology teacher is giving a lecture at a college about how sexual frequency is over rated...

The teacher goes on to exclaim the frequency of couples have sexual relations varies from person to person. He decides to take a short poll to prove his point. He asks, "How many of you have relations each day?" One-quarter of the students raise their hand. Okay, "Now how many of you have relations ...

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

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My German girlfriend used to rate me after sex

One time she suggested we try anal and the whole time she was screaming nine! Nine!

I was like yes! Best I ever did tbh.

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

Why do art schools in Austria and Germany have such high acceptance rates?

They still remember what happened the last time they turned someone down.

The German exchange rate

You heard that one about the German eggs-change rate?

Apparently it's an ei for an ei!

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.

"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doct...

My teacher asked me if I know the unit for rate of deformities in Hapsburgs.....

I replied:"perhaps "

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

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Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?

Love means nothing to them

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a...

...Flat Fee.

What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman?

OnlyFins.

Hospital statistics

A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it’s open heart surgery.
In Australia it’s liver transplants.
And in Russia it’s opening a window…

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

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A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse…

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse, and he walks up to the local horse dealer and asks him about the horses he has to offer.

The horse dealer is telling the cowboy about one of the horses when the cowboy begins to lose interest. Out of the corner of his eye, the cowboy’s spotted the most ...

I just saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies.

It was rated Squeegee-13.

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A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

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