This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting myself off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

Two beautiful women approached me at the bar and asked if I’d be interested in a threesome. I had to decline...

If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I’d just go out to dinner with my parents.

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

Dave and his girlfriend are at a party on a hot day.

It’s a good party, everyone is having fun. And eventually the catering comes in, and everyone starts lining up to get their food and drinks. Dave’s girlfriend is feeling a bit tired, so Dave offers to go up and get her a drink. She happily thanks him and asks for some lemonade just to quench her thi...

A Man Bought a Book

One time, a young man goes in a very dark road as he went home and saw an elderly man sitting along the way. The elderly man is weird and suspicious-looking. The man called him, but the younger one ignored. The elderly man kept on calling him, so the young man got frightened, but he released all his...

Two hobos...

were walking down a set of railroad tracks one hot afternoon when they walk up on a dead animal. The first hobo says " alright! something to eat, I haven't eaten in days. Are you going to join me? There is plenty to go around" the second hobo politely declines.

After the first hobo has his f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today…

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

So a general feeling of dread gets invited to a relay race but unfortunately had to decline...

He said "I can't because of miasma"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

I accidentally declined an offer

Nope unintended

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John and the cab driver

One cold, winter evening John finished his office job in London Victoria and went straight to the pub. He had few drinks too many that night and decided to take a cab home, but when he looked in his wallet he only had last £20 inside. He approached a black cab outside the pub and asked how much woul...

A man invites his friend to a game of golf.

His friend declines, but says, 'Take my horse, he's phenomenal.'

The man laughs, but does so anyway, if only to see a horse golf. To his surprise, the horse does amazingly, getting an Eagle or better on every hole.

The man returns to his friend, astonished. 'I can't believe it!', he sa...

A clergyman was walking and saw a farmer loading hay and struggling with the work.

"you look tired son,take a rest" he said.
No,my father would hate that" he replied
"Don't be silly, everyone needs a break sometimes. Come take some cold water" the clergyman replies.
Again the farmer declined. This continues for about two minutes, until the clergyman says "your father must...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

The elderly Mr. Johnson attended church every Sunday ...

And every Sunday one or another of the old ladies of the church would invite him for dinner, and he would always decline.

One Sunday, Mrs. Smith pressed him on the issue. "Wouldn't you like a nice home-cooked meal?" she asked.

"No thanks," he replied.

"What about some of your ...

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

A man and his wife went on a vacation to Israel,

and while walking to their hotel after a long day, the wife got hit by a car. Dead on the spot. The local churches' priest offers to bury her in the churches' cemetery rather than taking her body back on the plane and burying her at home. The man however, politely declines and says, "I'd rather bury...

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, declined to touch it.

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

So, someone asked me a question the other day.

They asked me if I wanted to do a threesum.

Of course, I declined the offer. Im not really a big fan of math.

I once was asked to star in a movie for a million dollars but I declined.

I don't have that much money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline.

I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

Then new Coronavirus is spread through human to human transmission.

Guess that means Reddit won't see a decline in users.

I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual reunion of all time greats.......

\* Newton said he'd drop in.
\* Socrates said he'd think about it.
\* Ohm resisted the idea.
\* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
\* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
\* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
\* Volta was electrified at the prospe...

Peanuts

An man and his wife are watching TV. The man is eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of one of his peanut tosses, the door opens and in walk his lovely daughter and her steady boyfriend. The man turns his head to see who is entering and the pean...

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart. And a lady was standing in front of me at the register. Her bill came up to about $200 but her card declined. It was just food. So y’all already know what I did.

Helped her put each and every item back. #itstheseasonofgiving

My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

When the nurse declined his request...

He simply said
**"When I donate blood I don't extract it, the nurse does"**
And walked out of the sperm bank.

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

An old man gets on a crowded bus. A police officer offers him his seat. The old man declines.

Last I heard he was in jail for resisting a rest.

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cow died.

So the father gave the oldest son a bag of gold and sent him to the city to buy a new cow.

Off went the lad but on the road he met a beautiful fairy. She told him that if he manages to make her cum she will give him his weight in gold. But if he failed she will take all of his gold. The fella...

Now I understand why the British population was on a steady decline these past few years...

Brits are really good at pulling out.

Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

Entitled Parent Joke

So I was at a restaurant with my family and this woman came up with a child. She looked about 40 with blonde hair. The child looked about 5 with also blonde hair. The child was crying at the time and the woman started to nag at us. Apparently, the child wanted a dessert and, lucky for us, we were th...

Why did the biker decline an invitation to the rally?

He was just two tired.

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

A friend asked me to walk downhill with him.

I declined.

A little old couple walked into a fast food restaurant.

The little old man walked up to the counter, ordered the food, paid, and took the tray back to the table where the little old lady sat. On the tray was a hamburger, a small bag of fries and a drink. Carefully the old man cut the hamburger in two, and divided the fries into two neat piles. He sipped ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined.

I literally can't buy shit.

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

Anakin went to pay for dinner,

but his MasterCard got declined....

Moral decline of the modern world

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of...

Why did Steve Jobs decline chemotherapy?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?

Suture self!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year. Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him. He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
"Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"

He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking.

This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the p...

A drunkard hits on a nun in the bus

“How's it going sweety, you wanna come to my place?“ The nun, obviously flustered, declines. “Come on sweetheart, just a onetime thing, you're so goddamn cute!“ The nun slaps him and leaves at the next station.

The busdriver, who had noticed the other man hitting on the nun, winks him over. ...

A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."

The woman ignores him and tries to...

A captain, newly assigned to his ship, meets with his crew at the tavern before they sail.

The crew receives him well, and encourages him to join them in drinking and shenanigans. He declines the former, but joins in on the latter. The crew tells dirty jokes, but what really gets them roaring is joking about the tavern owner, Rex.

"You sure you don't mind the teasing? As the captai...

One day a blonde went to the hairdresser...

The blonde ordered a trim but insisted that she absolutely could not take off the headphones she was wearing. The hairdresser declined and kicked her out of his barber shop.The blonde kept repeating the same request at different hairdresser’s until one finally agreed. As she was getting her trim the...

A man is walking down the street with his friend

A man is walking down the street with his friend when he hears a noise from behind him. He turns around to see a crazed man quickly approaching him. At first they thought he was going to mug them but they soon saw he was holding a giant silver key in his hand. When the man catches up he looks at the...

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door.

The woman answers, and the salesman says "Lady, I have the best damn vaccuum cleaner in the whole world."

Before she could decline, he invited himself in. "Lady," he said, "This vaccuum cleaner can suck up anything. In fact, if you leave it running, it'll probably suck the carpet up!"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty g...

"If you were offered $50K for free but to accept the offer, the person you hate the most will receive $100K, would you do it?"

"Sure I would. Why would I decline $150K?"

An Email from God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is ...

Bed monsters

A guy had a fear that there was a monster living under his bed, and he decided to seek professional help. During the consultation, the shrink told him his situation was unusual but not unheard of. He can be cured, but it would take at minimum 6 session at $250 each.

The guy declined citing t...

I'm like a credit card

Constantly being used and declined

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a collection of the best/worst dad jokes I know.

"When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down."

"Why are skeletons always so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

"Why can't T rexes clap their hands...

Important PSA!!

I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of this scam:

I was leaving the Wal-Mart on Main Street the other day and as I walked to my car, two gorgeous 18-year old girls approached me with a sob story about their car breaking down and needing a ride back to their place. Naturally I could...

A priest and a bishop were walking downtown...

...when a attractive hooker invitingly said to them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop?” They looked at each other quizzically, then said politely to the hooker, “No, thank you.”

They walked on and another lady of the night asked them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop? And again the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf holes.

First joke for me, I first heard it in French and translated it, please be kind.

Joe practices some golf but he is a little wasted and he isn't keeping track of his score. After a few holes, he forgets which one he's actually at so after putting, he asks a lady to please indicate to him what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

An old joke from about 100 years ago that's actually somewhat amusing

A Milwaukee man and his wife recently received a call from an old friend whom they had not seen for years. Just before the three sat down to a little supper in the German style, the wife, seizing a favorable opportunity, whispered to her husband:

"We have only three bottles of beer in the hou...

I was invited to a funeral at 6 AM

But I declined, because I'm really not a mourning person.

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

Two friars were behind on their belfry payments.

So they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they politely declined, He went back and begged the friars to close. They ayet...

A dam breaks and a city gets flooded

Everybody runs except for a priest who continues to pray in the church.A man with a car sees him and tells him to hop on. The priest replies "no thanks,God will save me."Time passes and the priest is knee deep in water.A guy in a boat sees him and also tells him to hop on.But the priest again declin...

So my friend sent me an invitation to this club

He said that they arranged taco Tuesday at the club. I didn't really feel up to it so I initially declined. He said it was fine but then kept inviting me every week. Every week I kept declining until I eventually gave in and agreed to come.


"Why do you want me to go so badly?"

...

A friend asked if I'd like to go drag racing,

I had to politely decline.

I can't even walk, never mind run in high heels

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Magic Fish

A man is fishing on a lake when he catches a fish.

The fish says to the fisherman, "I'm a magic fish! I since you caught me I have to grant a wish ...But only on one condition."

The fisherman asks what the condition is.

"In order to grant your wishes I need to swim up int...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ling and Ving...

When I was in high school two exchange students from china came over to study at my school, their names were Ling and Ving. I had several classes with the two and I became quite good friends with them, especially Ving. One day, Ving opened up to me and admitted how dissatisfied he was with his name ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm

It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.