UPJOKE
turn downfalldecreasedroprejectwanego downslumpdipcome downdescentdownturntumblenosedivedeteriorate

My friends tried to take me to an underwater tavern but I declined.

I hate dive bars.

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The Hippie and the Nun

The Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts again, the bu...

Two days after the city put up a stop sign someone ran it over, now it’s just laying in my yard. They declined my request to send someone out.

They said all re-posts must be at least a month apart.

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

Frankenstein's monster went to a party

The Bride asks him if he wants to dance, but the monster declines. She asks him if he has Two Left Feet, and he confirms it. "It's not my fault. The Doctor couldn't find a right foot for me."

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

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I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

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Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19...

... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depend...

Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined?

It was a fruitless Endeavor

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I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

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I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting myself off.

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I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

The custodians at my school kept insisting that I smoke kush with them, but I declined ...

I can't deal with high-maintenance people.

For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined

She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

Wonder bread

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our...

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Putin has a sex life problem...

...his sea-men count has declined.

Homeless guy asked if I could spare a dollar.

I looked in my wallet and there was only a $20, so I asked myself "Do I really want this money going to drugs, booze, and the decline of society?"

I decided I didn't so I gave it to him.

I accidentally declined an offer

Nope unintended

Two beautiful women approached me at the bar and asked if I’d be interested in a threesome. I had to decline...

If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I’d just go out to dinner with my parents.

So a general feeling of dread gets invited to a relay race but unfortunately had to decline...

He said "I can't because of miasma"

I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline.

I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.

I was on my way to give a lecture...

I was on my way to give a lecture regarding my recently learning about various topics such as The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon and the Sunk Cost Fallacy when a gorgeous young woman drove up beside me and told me that she'd just turned 21 and wanted to show me a good time. I thought to myself that this ...

When the nurse declined his request...

He simply said
**"When I donate blood I don't extract it, the nurse does"**
And walked out of the sperm bank.

Now I understand why the British population was on a steady decline these past few years...

Brits are really good at pulling out.

If I got 1000 dollars every time I didn’t know if I had enough money on my card to prevent it from getting declined

It would never get declined again

Why did the biker decline an invitation to the rally?

He was just two tired.

My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

An old man gets on a crowded bus. A police officer offers him his seat. The old man declines.

Last I heard he was in jail for resisting a rest.

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart. And a lady was standing in front of me at the register. Her bill came up to about $200 but her card declined. It was just food. So y’all already know what I did.

Helped her put each and every item back. #itstheseasonofgiving

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

I went to the store to buy bread but my card was declined.

The cashier told me to just Baguette and go

My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.

We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

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I applied to the police academy

The academy head approached me "I am afraid I have to decline your application".

"What's the problem?"

"Your family history. Specifically your mother and father."

"My parents are happily married."

"That's the problem. All cops are bastards."

A Chinese woman went on a blind date

A Chinese woman went on a blind date. Her date turned out to be a very handsome young man. They went to an expensive restaurant and had a great time together. The man even paid for everything.


When they were alone on their way back. The man suddenly revealed himself to be an angel in disg...

Moral decline of the modern world

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

Why did Steve Jobs decline chemotherapy?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

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I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined.

I literally can't buy shit.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

Sharing is caring...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He...

What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?

Suture self!

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A man dies an goes to Hell. The devil shows him around and tells him he has to pick his forever torture

They check out the different options. The devil explains to him that he only gets to view three choices and once he chooses, he can't change his mind.

The devil shows him the first room in which there is a group of people pushing a very large crank and being whipped at the same time with no b...

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

Why is Oedipus bad at Latin?

He conjugated where he should have declined.

>!Latin verbs have conjugations and latin nouns have declinsions.!<

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Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
"Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"

He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking.

This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the p...

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.

A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building...

A verb walks up to a noun in a bar

-- Hey, babe, wanna go back to my place and conjugate?

-- I decline

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A teen girl asks her step dad to borrow the car...

He says no, she begs, he keeps saying no, then he finally says he'll let her use the car if she gives him a blowjob. She declines and goes up to her room, but later decides she'll go ahead and do that if it means she can use the car.

So she goes back to step dad and starts the dirty deed... A...

I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a funeral that is scheduled for 5:00am.

I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

A man and woman are on a first date, everything is going great between them.

The man suggests they go to a local milk bar to share a milkshake, but the woman declines, saying she can’t have that stuff. Whilst searching for somewhere else to go, a car comes out of nowhere barreling towards them. The man is able to push his date out of the way, but the car runs over his foot, ...

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a man finds an old lamp and rubs it

As one would expect a genie pops out offering traditional wishes. Man thinks it over and says he doesn't want anything, that he is happy. Genie tries to persuade him to name three wishes, being a tradition and all and not wanting to be seen as odd genie out. Despite all this man declines and walks a...

Really, Jen?

My sister, Jennifer, started a vlog where she could be 100% herself. She called it “Really Jen”. She recently went hiking and was doing a video about group of ticks she came across in the woods which she swore were in a polyamorous relationship together, if you can believe it.

Anyway, she ask...

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The newlywed couple were a bit shy, so they called having sex ‘doing the laundry’

One night the husband says he’d like to do some laundry. The wife says she’s tired and declines. Husband leaves the bed. She starts feeling guilty, so when hubby comes back she says she’s ready to do some laundry’. He says:

Don’t worry. It was a small load so I did it by hand.

A definite integral and an indefinite integral walk into a bar.

The indefinite integral takes a seat next to the definite integral, and as they chat, they find they have a lot in common!

As the night goes on the indefinite integral offers to buy the two another round, but the definite integral politely declines:

.

“No thank you, I know my li...

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A man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey.

The bartender obliges, and the man takes 1 shot, 2 shots and 3 shots, no problem.

Impressed, the bartender inquires "What's the occasion for the 3 shots?"

The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

Being the ...

Then new Coronavirus is spread through human to human transmission.

Guess that means Reddit won't see a decline in users.

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

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John and the cab driver

One cold, winter evening John finished his office job in London Victoria and went straight to the pub. He had few drinks too many that night and decided to take a cab home, but when he looked in his wallet he only had last £20 inside. He approached a black cab outside the pub and asked how much woul...

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man ...

A Man Bought a Book

One time, a young man goes in a very dark road as he went home and saw an elderly man sitting along the way. The elderly man is weird and suspicious-looking. The man called him, but the younger one ignored. The elderly man kept on calling him, so the young man got frightened, but he released all his...

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, declined to touch it.

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."

The woman ignores him and tries to...

A man and his wife went on a vacation to Israel,

and while walking to their hotel after a long day, the wife got hit by a car. Dead on the spot. The local churches' priest offers to bury her in the churches' cemetery rather than taking her body back on the plane and burying her at home. The man however, politely declines and says, "I'd rather bury...

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Little Johnny was walking down the street with his dad...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid ha...

Dave and his girlfriend are at a party on a hot day.

It’s a good party, everyone is having fun. And eventually the catering comes in, and everyone starts lining up to get their food and drinks. Dave’s girlfriend is feeling a bit tired, so Dave offers to go up and get her a drink. She happily thanks him and asks for some lemonade just to quench her thi...

An Email from God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is ...

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

The elderly Mr. Johnson attended church every Sunday ...

And every Sunday one or another of the old ladies of the church would invite him for dinner, and he would always decline.

One Sunday, Mrs. Smith pressed him on the issue. "Wouldn't you like a nice home-cooked meal?" she asked.

"No thanks," he replied.

"What about some of your ...

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The cow died.

So the father gave the oldest son a bag of gold and sent him to the city to buy a new cow.

Off went the lad but on the road he met a beautiful fairy. She told him that if he manages to make her cum she will give him his weight in gold. But if he failed she will take all of his gold. The fella...

Prequel joke

Why couldn't Anakin pay for his dinner?

His master card declined

Entitled Parent Joke

So I was at a restaurant with my family and this woman came up with a child. She looked about 40 with blonde hair. The child looked about 5 with also blonde hair. The child was crying at the time and the woman started to nag at us. Apparently, the child wanted a dessert and, lucky for us, we were th...

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

So, someone asked me a question the other day.

They asked me if I wanted to do a threesum.

Of course, I declined the offer. Im not really a big fan of math.

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

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Here's a collection of the best/worst dad jokes I know.

"When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down."

"Why are skeletons always so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

"Why can't T rexes clap their hands...

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Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year. Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him. He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for...

Important PSA!!

I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of this scam:

I was leaving the Wal-Mart on Main Street the other day and as I walked to my car, two gorgeous 18-year old girls approached me with a sob story about their car breaking down and needing a ride back to their place. Naturally I could...

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