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Fee Jokes

I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees

Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.

Audit

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepher...

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

Where do cats stand when they want to buy a train ticket?

In the FEE-line.

Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

I was diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

FeeFiPhobia

MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.

''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''

-''Really? How much?''

''10 Pence per predicted year.''

''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''

''That'll be 5 pence.''

- Herman Finkers

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger’s cat

It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

After the priest performed a successful exorcism, Brenda refused to pay the fee.

The priest had her repossessed.

Two families try to cheat a train ticket fee

Two families were on a trip together. They both would be taking the train, and one family bought a ticket for every member. But the father of the other family said, "Hey, you wasted money. Watch us."

That father bought only one ticket. Then he and his family boarded the train. When a PA...

Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon.

He is believed to be still on the run

As the owner of the BDSM club, I'd love to waive your entry fee, but I can't do that...

...my hands are tied!

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sal the boxing promoter gets a call Saturday morning of fight night

“Hey boss, it’s Joe at the gym. Big Frank’s had an accident and broke his thumb. He can’t fight for a month”
Sal goes into a melt down. Big Frank was his heavyweight prospect and the headline of that nights card in the Big Apple. Faced with refunding the tickets he gets on the phone to all the ot...

I forgot to renew the fee for my Scrabble membership

Now they’re sending me threatening letters!

A teenage boy tells an old lady her fence is broken, and says he could fix it, for a small fee

The lady thinks its an honest job, and her fence did broke a few days ago.

"But wait, what are you going to do with the money?"

"Oh, ma'am, I intend to buy a car!" Answers the boy.

"That is wonderful! Good to see a young gent already thinking about his future, and doing some hon...

Webinar: How to Avoid Fraud. Registration Fee $99

The webinar is canceled. Registration fee is non refundable.

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up ...

I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"

"It's a sircharge."

A young man was in town looking for some action with the ladies.....

A taxi driver gave him an address. “Take this. You’ll find everything you want there.”
When the young man arrived at the address he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. “I want to get screwed,” said the young man.

“Ok...

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has three beautiful daughters...

and every weekend, they all go out on dates. Every weekend the farmer will stand at the door with a shotgun to assess the date. Well, on one particular Saturday, the farmer was waiting and hears a knock at the door. He opens it up and is greeted by a nice looking man. He goes, "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here ...

Free broken puppet! No hidden fees, free shipping, free returns. There's...

no strings attached.

My friend invited me to go on a bus tour with him and told me there was a small fee.

Unfortunately, I left my wallet at home. I couldn't be upset. After all, he gave me fare warning.

Man: Hey! How much is your consultation fee? Lawyer : $100- for 3 questions.

Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?

Lawyer : Yes, now what is your third question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bank of America is now charging a fee to use the bathroom

Shits expensive

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Obit

Woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read...

My mom recently had to have an amputation done. The doctors said I could watch, but would have to pay an outrageous fee!

Really, it would've costed an arm and a leg!

Bobby Kotick walks into a bar

and orders an 18 year old whiskey.

The bartender pours him a 1 year old whiskey.

Kotick says, "But I ordered 18 year old whiskey!"

The bartender says, "To get 18 year old whiskey, you have to pay the farming fee, the harvesting fee and the aging fee. You also have to purchase a...

A man built a zoo..

He made the entrance fee $60 but no one enters his zoo..

He reduced it to $40 but still no one came.

He made $10 for the entrance but no one still enters..

What the man did, because no one was coming in even though the entrance fee was very low, he just made it FREE.

As a...

Why was the mole’s rental fee so costly?

Because he burrowed and never returned

What do you call the extra fees on formal wear?

The Taxedo!

I had my teeth cleaned and they charged me a lot of unexpected fees.

They were for incidentals.

Between grand theft and a legal fee...

...there only stands a law degree.

I’ll admit; my business plan of impersonating and running marathons on behalf of fee paying clients who want prestige without effort, is not going well.

But I’d still give you a run for your money.

Did you know the entry fee for the Paralympics is really high?

I hear it costs an arm and a leg.

The Tech Text Times We Live In

DEAR NEIGHBOUR Hi, Morris . This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell youface-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it athome rec...

An older man never had a smart phone, until recently....

He was chatting casually with my brother-in-law (they are neighbors) to say he was done with smart phones.

The older man was **irate** as AT&T was charging him extra fees because he was old!

My brother-in-law was astounded. He asked the older man what on earth he means by that. I...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

First time in Vegas

I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didnt even use them! She said “Well they were here and available and you cou...

How do philosophers make money?

The philoso-fees!

What do you call the expense of hiring an Irish lady to watch your kids?

Nanny McFee

How can you tell if a letter in your mailbox is a boy or a girl?

If it's a bill, it's fee mail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parrot's bitchin to his owner about how he never gets laid

So the owner picks up the phone and calls a friend with a female parrot, asks how much the mating fee would be? Friend says fifty bucks and the owner says fine. So the owner brings the parrot to the friend's house and puts him in a dark room with the female parrot, goes to have a drink with his frie...

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…

As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he find...

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

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A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

Calculator app

My 12-year-old daughter made this up.

She said she got a calculator app for her phone but it didn't give a plus key unless she paid additional fees.

Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.

The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."

"Insurance policy?"

"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no lon...

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

A dog walks into a telegraph office

It is a quiet Friday noon in New York and a young telegrapher is minding his business when the bell on the door suddenly chimes and a dog walks in.

The telegrapher looks perplexed as the dog hands him a piece of paper and says in perfect English: “Hello sir. I would like to send that to my f...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a martini

A guy walks into a bar and orders a martini. "I see you're wearing a suit and tie," the bartender says. "I'm gong to have to charge you a $20 Fanciness Fee." "Fanciness Fee!" the guy exclaims. "What the hell is that?" "It's a sir charge," the bartender replies.

To sum up healthcare in America

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week pas...

An elderly couple got on a bus.

After a few minutes, the old lady shuffled over to the front, and offered the driver a bag of peanuts.

How kind of her, thought the driver. He drove on, happily munching the peanuts.

A few minutes later, again the old woman shuffled over, with another bag of peanuts.
What a nice lad...

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Students from Asia Came to My High School...

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude's like a math wiz. I'm really struggling, so I ask Ving if he'd give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I'm like yeah sure what. He asks me to drive him to the city hall...

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a...

...Flat Fee.

There’s a man and a little boy walking in the woods...

The little boy turns to the man and says “it’s really dark and I fee scared”

The man looks back at the boy and says “what have you got to be scared of, I’ve got to walk back alone”

When you buy a sheep online...

Do you pay for a shipping fee?

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

An Asian woman has twins, a boy and a girl.

They came out within two seconds of each other, and the doctors forgot to record which one actually came out first. This was problematic for her as it had been a tradition in her family going back almost a thousand years to name the first born of each generation "Lin". After some discussion from her...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The moonshine, the pitbull & the old lady.

John walks into a bar. As he orders a beer he sees a jar filled with 100$ bills on the counter. The bartender tells him that in order to win the jar of money, he has to complete 3 challenges, but the entry fee is 100$.

After some thinking, he decides to enter the contest. The bartender t...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

Why don’t Italians use contractions?

Because they don’t make a pasta fee!

I was invited to a Mexican party, but I had to pay to get in

It was a fee-esta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school...

They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Lin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the payout pimps make prostitutes pay them for every John?

Hoe owners fee.

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor

At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

Why do Mormon women stop having children at 30?

Because 31 or more is where daycare fees admittedly start becoming excessive.

What's the cheapest concert you could attend?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Only $153.45 after taxes and Ticketmaster fees.

A young boy decides he would like more pocket money

so he comes up with a plan of helping people carry their groceries to the car for a small service fee.

He goes to the closest supermarket and asks every person that comes out if they would need help. Some people agree and give him his money, some people say they don't need help.

A lit...

A dog goes into a post office to send a telegram...

The clerk gives him the relevant form and he goes to the desk to fill it in.

When he has finished he hands it back to the clerk with the fee and the clerk reads it through.

The message reads ” Woof woof, woof woof woof; woof woof, woof woof woof.”

The clerk then tells the dog th...

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