Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

Why was the mole’s rental fee so costly?

Because he burrowed and never returned

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

Our boss announced to the staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 5000 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

Then I said with an horse voice: "I offer 1000"

One day a man runs out of gas the the highway.

He walks around for a while and sees a man walking around and examining sign posts. He stops and asks him what he's doing. The man goes
"I'm just scoping out sign posts, y'know, reporting the ones that need to be removed." The man who ran out of gas figured that it made sense, but had a few ques...

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut?

Pay Per Cut.

A TV license fee collector knocks on a door

And demands a fee from the owner of the house who happened to open the door.

The owner responds by saying he has no TV in the house. The collector responds, "You have a TV antenna on your roof, so you have a TV".

The house owner then invites the collector into the house and leads him ...

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

I’ll admit; my business plan of impersonating and running marathons on behalf of fee paying clients who want prestige without effort, is not going well.

But I’d still give you a run for your money.

Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"

"It's a sircharge."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bank of America is now charging a fee to use the bathroom

Shits expensive

Between grand theft and a legal fee...

...there only stands a law degree.

What do you call the fee you have to pay a Jewish girl in order to hit on her?

The holla cost.

Did you know the entry fee for the Paralympics is really high?

I hear it costs an arm and a leg.

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:

1) No one can find out that I did this.

2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.

3) I'm gonna need ...

What do you call bills that come in the mail?

Fee mail

I know a pair of Chinese-American Twins

One of them, Ving, is a childhood friend of mine. I'm not particularly close with his sister, Ling, but we get along.

One day, Ving tells me he wants to change his name to "Lee". He thinks it'll help him fit in more, as it's a more American name. Ling, who's proud of her heritage and traditio...

I'm afraid of giants

I have **FeeFiPhobia**.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Students from Asia Came to My High School...

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude's like a math wiz. I'm really struggling, so I ask Ving if he'd give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I'm like yeah sure what. He asks me to drive him to the city hall...

Did you hear? Being the greatest business man and genius that he is, Donald Trump will be fixing the most original flaw of this great nation. And it will finally be known as America:

Land of the Fee! (Conditions may apply)

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

An Irishman moved to Germany

Now the town of Hamburg had an annual race around the edge of town, and the transplant decided to enter. However, when he went to sign up he found that there was an entry fee which he was far too miserly to pay. Instead, he slipped through the crowd and lined up with the other entrants.

Ban...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits New York

After a 6 hour flight he lands on John F. Kennedy International Airport, and gets a cab to a nearby pub.
Entering the pub he sees two odd things, there is a Horse partially behind some curtain, and a large bowl filled with money at the bar it self.

He walks over to the barkeep and asks...

2 twins changing their name.

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee. Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change ...

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

One day a snail goes to the dealership

The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and the snail says he doesn’t care what car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.
The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, “Would it be possible to get the letter ‘S’ painted onto a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man decided he was sick of city life and moved to the country.

After getting situated, he decided he needed some animals on the farm. He searched the local ads and found a farmer willing to relinquish some livestock for a fee.

He promptly goes to the farmers home and begins his inquiry.

First is the chicken coop and he finds the most beautiful roo...

An Asian woman has twins, a boy and a girl.

They came out within two seconds of each other, and the doctors forgot to record which one actually came out first. This was problematic for her as it had been a tradition in her family going back almost a thousand years to name the first born of each generation "Lin". After some discussion from her...

The Emperor of Rome had a thousand Centurions.

One day, he decided to give them a raise. He called them all to his throne room, and declared they be given a 4% increase in their monthly pay.

Now, the Centurions were paid one gold coin per month. That would mean their new pay was a gold coin and 4 silver ones. The total fee spent would be ...

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tony ambled into a bar

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer pulled over a guy who was speeding. He noticed the car had three political stickers on the bumper; one for Trump, one for Hillary, and one for Johnson...

A police officer pulled over a guy who was speeding. He noticed the car had three political stickers on the bumper; one for Trump, one for Hillary, and one for Johnson. He walked up to his window, asked if he knows why he was pulled over, and out of sheer curiosity he asked the guy why he has the th...

A man has a doctor appointment the next day that he wants to cancel.

So he goes into the office and asks the person at the desk, "Can I cancel my appointment?"

The person at the desk responds, "Of course, but there is a $100 cancelation fee if the appointment is in less than a week."

The man thinks for a minute than asks, "Is there a fee to reschedule...

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

There were these 2 sisters

There were these 2 sisters named Lee and Ling. Now, when they were very young, their mother died, leaving them with only their names and their single father. Their father loved them very much and in all these years hadn't gotten over their mother. This made him very very overprotective of his daught...

Three Bedoins are arguing over a will...

Three brothers are told that their father had left one half of his property to his eldest son, one third to the second, and one sixth to the third.

All was going well until they go to their father's camels. Their father left 19 camels, which doesn't divide by 2,3 or 6. They argued and argued ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The tale of my chinese friend and his struggles

Earlier this year, a chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he...

Donald Trump dies in Israel

After too much effort during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses of a heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell the Americans : " There's two options."

" The first one, you pay $5,000,000 and we send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "
...

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator.

The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. The investigator then follows the wife around. A few days later, the husband finds a note on his car's windshield. He opens it and it reads: *"Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do Limericks do here...

There was a Scotsman named McFee,
who got stung on his balls by a bee,
he made tonnes of money,
by producing lots of honey,
every time he went for a pee

I found a recipe for a fruit curry that I wanted to try out.

I made a list of all the ingredients that I needed and headed to the shop. I picked up some rice, some mango chutney, some curry powder and some raisins.

Upon returning I checked my list again to make sure that I had gotten everything that I needed. To my dismay, the recipe had called for sul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

Carl opened a zoo.

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.

Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.

So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.

Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

What was old is new

A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom. For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile. It swiftly took off a...

So Jesus comes walking out of his tomb....

He sees that Mary Magdelene's really torn up about the crucifixtion business, and couldn't stop crying until Jesus showed up. Jesus decides to cheer Mary up by taking her to a comedy show in Rome.
The Diefied Duo arrive at the venue, and there's a Centurion guarding the entrance letting crowd of ...

A blonde who want to earn some money

A blonde who want to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”

The bl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining together at the country club.

The conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary, and a wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The doctor offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was to...

Ling and Ving...

When I was in high school two exchange students from china came over to study at my school, their names were Ling and Ving. I had several classes with the two and I became quite good friends with them, especially Ving. One day, Ving opened up to me and admitted how dissatisfied he was with his name ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Brothel subscription service

A local brothel is trialling a new subscription service where for a monthly fee, subscribers can walk in at any time and have their testicles tongued by the whore of their choice. They call it Nut-flicks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A minister wants to lick his queen's bosom

He asks Tenali Raman to help him achieve this desire. Tenali says he will help him out, but only for a fee. The minister pays him half the gold then and promises the rest once his desire has been fulfilled. Tenali agrees.

Tenali goes to the palace washerman, bribes him and gets him to put a s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack stays in a hotel, being charged for bunch of fees (Long)

When he checks out the invoice, he sees RC.
He asks if what that stands for.
Front desk guys says "it is Room Charge sir."

He asks if what does PF stand for,
"it is pool fee sir."
He questions if why he is being charged, since he didn't even use it.
Front desk says " Pool was ...

Ling and Ving

Two brothers, called Ling and Ving, travel from their home country to America with their father. For the next 2 years, Ling and Ving both attend a college in New York. Everybody loved Ling, but Ving was constantly bullied because of his exceedingly odd name.

After several months, Ving decided...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy finds out his wife cheats on him with his best friend...

He decides he wants to take revenge... by hiring an assassin.

After meticulous searching, he finds the best at the profession: a sniper so good he never missed a shot. The assassin charged a fixed $10k fee per bullet. The guy hesitantly agrees to hire him.

Then he proceeds to tell the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor started a clinic in a small town.

He told everyone in the town: "With the low price of 50 dollars, I can cure any types of diseases! If I can't, I'll pay you 100 dollars instead!"

So a man thought this is a great opportunity to earn some extra cash. So on the day the clinic opened he walk into the clinic. He says to the docto...

I've never been a superstitious man, but...

Last night, in my dream, I saw before my eyes a giant number '7'. I woke up at 7:00 am that morning, but that didn't phase me, that's when I always wake up. After going through my routine I notice that I'm 7 minutes ahead of schedule. Peculiar, but hardly supernatural. I hopped in my car and noticed...

Why do bills always gossip with each other in the mailbox?

Because they are fee-mail.

Donald Trump was on a fact finding visit to Israel

When he suffered a heart attack and died. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him that he can have his body transported back to the USA for a fee of $50,000 or they can bury him in the holy land for Just $100.

The diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes, ...

Stopping the leaks

A urologist in London had a leak in his bathroom on a Sunday. He called a plumber who charged him a £50 call out fee plus another £100 for fixing the problem in 15 minutes.
The urologist was shocked and said to the plumber - I am a Urologist and I fix human water works and I don't get paid this ...

What Did the Giant Say to His Enemy When He Served Him Ramen at a Vietnamese Restaurant?

Fee Fi Fo Fum, Faux Pho For Foe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Friend, Ving.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to ...

The Twins Next Door.

Several years ago, back in my high school days, a family moved into the house next door. It was an Asian family with twins in the grade above me named Ving and Ling. Over the years we had gotten close and began to hang out more and more.

Eventually, I learned that Ving was unhappy and the sou...

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog...

A doctor was fixing his grammar on medical bills when he noticed something random.

a posture fee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If airlines sold paint (from Car Talk)

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 differentprices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's t...

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the ...

Dirty take on an old classic

Patricia the prostitute was feeling down; she had recently been beaten by her pimp and was given a demeaning nickname from her peers because of it. Still, she had to work. Her pimp dropped her off at a client's house for their prearranged meeting. To her surprise, it was a dog that answered the door...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Witch Doctor

There's a guy walking down the street and he comes across a Witch Doctor. The Witch Doctor tells the guy that he is able to remedy any ailment, and upon doing so he charges a $50 fee. If he cannot cure the ailment, he pays the patient $100. The guy gets the address to the Witch Doctor's office and s...

Inner peace can be found, eventually

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elephants Never Forget

Frank owned a full grown African Elephant and due to the rising costs of living, he found it was getting expensive to feed his pet.

Frank thought long and hard for a solution and upon watching a circus program on T.V. thought of the perfect scam to make some quick money.

You see Fran...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day in math...

...we got two new transfer students. They were twins named Ving and Ling who had moved in from Korea. I sat next to Ving during class and I got to know him pretty well. We liked the same books, movies, games, you name it! At the end of the quarter, we had a huge unit exam, it was about 30% of our gr...

A woman brings her budgie to the vet's.

It is lying very still and limp. "I'm afraid it's dead" says the vet, but the woman refuses to believe him. "Please", she says, "can't you examine it at least?" The vet goes to the door and whistles. In trots a black Labrador. The vet points to the budgie, and the dog goes over to the table, puts hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One question

The Mayor of London, England was very much worried about a plague of pigeons in the city centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the stre...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Asian guy at my college

So I'm in college math class, and two new guys walk in. They introduce themselves as brothers, Ling and Ving. After a few days of talking, (Ving sits next to me) he says I can get help from him in trig if I answer him one question. I say, sure. (I'm bombing trig so I'd sell my soul to pass.) He asks...

Hillary will give her concession speech...

Since somebody paid her $250,000 speaking fee.

A young man was going to be married

so he asked his father if he could give his fiance his deceased mother's ring. This was fine with the father.

The father decided to have it appraised for insurance purposes. He asked a lady friend who was a well-known jeweler to do the appraisal; she accepted, and said that her fee would be s...

Recently, I was watching the Republican debate, and they were debating abortion.

Donald Trump was talking about how opposed to it he was, but I thought to myself, come on Don, you're a businessman. I bet you wouldn't be this upset if you could charge them an early termination fee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. As the bartender is bringing his drink, he notices a large unlabeled jar full of money. His curiosity is piqued, and he asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender explains that there is an ongoing bet that no one will complete a challenge se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once I summoned the Devil to grant my every wish.

The Devil appeared in my summoning circle, pitchfork in hand, horns on his head and a smirk on his face. 'Alright, mortal, I'll grant you three, but no more 'til the usual fee!'

As planned, I immediately shouted, 'I wish for 900 more!'

'No can do, unless you're willing to cough up!'...