UPJOKE
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Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees

Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

Two families try to cheat a train ticket fee

Two families were on a trip together. They both would be taking the train, and one family bought a ticket for every member. But the father of the other family said, "Hey, you wasted money. Watch us."

That father bought only one ticket. Then he and his family boarded the train. When a PA...

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up ...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

After the priest performed a successful exorcism, Brenda refused to pay the fee.

The priest had her repossessed.

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

Why don’t BMW owners use their turn signals?

They’re too stubborn to pay the monthly subscription fee!

Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

Webinar: How to Avoid Fraud. Registration Fee $99

The webinar is canceled. Registration fee is non refundable.

I forgot to renew the fee for my Scrabble membership

Now they’re sending me threatening letters!

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"

"It's a sircharge."

Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon.

He is believed to be still on the run

Between grand theft and a legal fee...

...there only stands a law degree.

Why was the mole’s rental fee so costly?

Because he burrowed and never returned

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Bank of America is now charging a fee to use the bathroom

Shits expensive

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia.

What do you call the extra fees on formal wear?

The Taxedo!

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

A teenage boy tells an old lady her fence is broken, and says he could fix it, for a small fee

The lady thinks its an honest job, and her fence did broke a few days ago.

"But wait, what are you going to do with the money?"

"Oh, ma'am, I intend to buy a car!" Answers the boy.

"That is wonderful! Good to see a young gent already thinking about his future, and doing some hon...

I had my teeth cleaned and they charged me a lot of unexpected fees.

They were for incidentals.

Did you know the entry fee for the Paralympics is really high?

I hear it costs an arm and a leg.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

My friend invited me to go on a bus tour with him and told me there was a small fee.

Unfortunately, I left my wallet at home. I couldn't be upset. After all, he gave me fare warning.

My mom recently had to have an amputation done. The doctors said I could watch, but would have to pay an outrageous fee!

Really, it would've costed an arm and a leg!

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

I’ll admit; my business plan of impersonating and running marathons on behalf of fee paying clients who want prestige without effort, is not going well.

But I’d still give you a run for your money.

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger’s cat

It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.

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A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school...

They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Lin...

An Engineer was jobless for long time...

He could not find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a board outside.. get treatment for $50, if not treated get back $100.

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $100 and goes to clinic.

Doctor : I have lost taste in eating

Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from...

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

Bobby Kotick walks into a bar

and orders an 18 year old whiskey.

The bartender pours him a 1 year old whiskey.

Kotick says, "But I ordered 18 year old whiskey!"

The bartender says, "To get 18 year old whiskey, you have to pay the farming fee, the harvesting fee and the aging fee. You also have to purchase a...

Where do cats stand when they want to buy a train ticket?

In the FEE-line.

A man built a zoo..

He made the entrance fee $60 but no one enters his zoo..

He reduced it to $40 but still no one came.

He made $10 for the entrance but no one still enters..

What the man did, because no one was coming in even though the entrance fee was very low, he just made it FREE.

As a...

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

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Two Students from Asia Came to My High School...

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude's like a math wiz. I'm really struggling, so I ask Ving if he'd give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I'm like yeah sure what. He asks me to drive him to the city hall...

MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.

''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''

-''Really? How much?''

''10 Pence per predicted year.''

''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''

''That'll be 5 pence.''

- Herman Finkers

An older man never had a smart phone, until recently....

He was chatting casually with my brother-in-law (they are neighbors) to say he was done with smart phones.

The older man was **irate** as AT&T was charging him extra fees because he was old!

My brother-in-law was astounded. He asked the older man what on earth he means by that. I...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a martini

A guy walks into a bar and orders a martini. "I see you're wearing a suit and tie," the bartender says. "I'm gong to have to charge you a $20 Fanciness Fee." "Fanciness Fee!" the guy exclaims. "What the hell is that?" "It's a sir charge," the bartender replies.

To sum up healthcare in America

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week pas...

How can you tell if a letter in your mailbox is a boy or a girl?

If it's a bill, it's fee mail.

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Contest! The Three Funniest Jew Jokes get a free Christmas hat [US & Canada Only]

We're jews over at Rally Flip Cap and we think Jewish jokes are hilarious. We also think ironic prizes are hilarious. So to celebrate Hanukkah we're going to giveaway 3 Merry Christmas hats!

The 3 most upvoted jokes get this hat for free, completely free, including the shipping, no hidden fe...

Inner peace can be found, eventually

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of ...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

What do you call the expense of hiring an Irish lady to watch your kids?

Nanny McFee

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

How do philosophers make money?

The philoso-fees!

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The tale of my chinese friend and his struggles

Earlier this year, a chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he...

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

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Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

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A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

A young man was in town looking for some action with the ladies.....

A taxi driver gave him an address. “Take this. You’ll find everything you want there.”
When the young man arrived at the address he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. “I want to get screwed,” said the young man.

“Ok...

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The Portrait Artist

A local Irishman was making quite the name for himself as a portrait artist... His fees were very reasonable and the Locals kept him busy.... One day a stretch-limo pulled up and a beautiful woman exited the car.... "I will gladly pay you 10,000 Euros if you'll paint me in the nude.".... The Irishma...

Obit

Woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read...

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a...

...Flat Fee.

When you buy a sheep online...

Do you pay for a shipping fee?

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What do you call the payout pimps make prostitutes pay them for every John?

Hoe owners fee.

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

Why don’t Italians use contractions?

Because they don’t make a pasta fee!

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

I was invited to a Mexican party, but I had to pay to get in

It was a fee-esta.

There’s a man and a little boy walking in the woods...

The little boy turns to the man and says “it’s really dark and I fee scared”

The man looks back at the boy and says “what have you got to be scared of, I’ve got to walk back alone”

Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.

The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."

"Insurance policy?"

"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no lon...

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

There was a crow outside my window this morning that would not shut up.

Turns out he way had too much CAAW-fee.

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

Calculator app

My 12-year-old daughter made this up.

She said she got a calculator app for her phone but it didn't give a plus key unless she paid additional fees.

Why does a Dyslexic Ship Captain with Coprophobia never pay his taxes?

He’s afraid of the Sea’s Fee.

There were these 2 sisters

There were these 2 sisters named Lee and Ling. Now, when they were very young, their mother died, leaving them with only their names and their single father. Their father loved them very much and in all these years hadn't gotten over their mother. This made him very very overprotective of his daught...

A man has a doctor appointment the next day that he wants to cancel.

So he goes into the office and asks the person at the desk, "Can I cancel my appointment?"

The person at the desk responds, "Of course, but there is a $100 cancelation fee if the appointment is in less than a week."

The man thinks for a minute than asks, "Is there a fee to reschedule...

What do you pay a babysitter?

The Nanny McFee

I just heard that the Dunkin Donuts in my area will initiate with a surcharge for coming in without wearing a mask.

They're going to call it a cough fee.

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Ling and Ving...

When I was in high school two exchange students from china came over to study at my school, their names were Ling and Ving. I had several classes with the two and I became quite good friends with them, especially Ving. One day, Ving opened up to me and admitted how dissatisfied he was with his name ...

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