UPJOKE
developmentaccretionincreaseproliferationvegetationgrowingincrementriseexpansionevolutioninflationtumorgrowgerminationcultivation

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Two dads, Philip and Mike, fight every day about their respective sons’ physical growth.

Both of the kids go to the same kindergarten. As Philip and Mike watch on as they go in, Mike tells Philip, “Y’know buddy, my son is currently 4 foot. He’ll grow up to be an actor!”

Philip replies, “We’ll see about that, my son is 4 foot one. And your son will never get popular if he’s short,...

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

I decided to invest in an agricultural company

I was impressed with their organic growth

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

The growth of coronavirus in a given area is dependent on 2 primary factors:

1. How dense the population is

2. How dense the population is

Do you know what Irish City is seeing the biggest population growth?

It is their capital. It is Dublin (doubling)...

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head.

The doc asks. "And what can I do for you?."

Penguin replys. "Well Doc. It started as a growth on my foot...."

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to meet today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to co...

A man with a large growth on his nose is in a failing marriage.

He comes home from the doctor, and his wife asks how it went.

The husband replies "Wonderful! I've lost two inches from my waist, my blood pressure is in a healthy range, and I no longer have any problems with my posture."

The wife looks perplexed.

"In fact" the husband conti...

I achieved my goal of personal growth...

verified by the scale this morning.

What do you get if you give growth hormones to an ant?

Tolerance

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African Penis Growth Technique

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when

each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a

weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches lo...

When the apocalypse starts, it's good to know that:

The meat of vegans comes from free-range farms fed a purely plant-based diet and is therefore completely free of various industrial antibiotics and growth hormones.

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What does general grievous say after he gets his penis growth pills?

A fine addition to my erection.

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Mark Watney and Mike Tyson would probably get along great.

Both agree that poop is growth.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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[NSFW] A man sees a urologist due to an abnormal growth in his groin area.

Urologist: "It looks like, you've got a third testicle growing!"

Man: "Oh.. erm... it isn't that bad, right?"

Urologist: "Having a third testicle might have ill side-effects in your health and your sexual ..."

Man (interrupting): "Okay, allright. What can we do?"

Urolo...

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

Population Growth

A small town with a high birth rate attracted the attention of a team of university sociologists. They wrote a grant proposal, got a chunk of money, hired aides and an anthropologist, found a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, and des...

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A man goes to the doctor with a strange growth on his forehead

After a thorough examination, the doctor informs him that a penis is growing from his forehead.

Enraged, the man states, “you’re telling me I’ll have to look at this thing dangling in front of my face forever?”

To which the doctor replied, “oh no, once the balls come in you won’t see ...

Which country's capital has the quickest growth in population..?

Ireland, Every day it's Dublin.

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Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

My little girl just said to me: Dad, how is progress possible if our growth is stunted by perpetual tribalism and xenophobia?

And I said......Wow, you're a German Shepherd, I didn't know you could do that.

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What do you call a pornstar with an erection?

Professional Growth

What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970?

Insemination.

What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?

Growth.

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

Another google meme...

Me: what is the meaning of life?



Google:

*noun*

1. 1.the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death."the origins of life"
2. 2.the e...

What's worse than one more abnormal growth?

Tumor

I was complaining about my lack of muscle growth to a buddy of mine in the gym...

Me: I come here everyday, 3 hours each day and I look the same as I did 6 months ago.

Buddy: No whey!

I am a psyicician specializing in growth hormone deficiencies. I had planned to present an exhaustive list of the conditions and syndromes that I treat but I couldn't wait to post this...

I have little patients.

What do you call the rapid growth of Indian cities?

Turbanisation

This morning, I tried explaining to my dad why f(y)=y^2 is not exponential growth.

It was not e^asy.

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A guy wants to have a horse sized penis…

He asks his friends for tips on how he can make his unit grow like a horse.
One of his friends says; tie a weight to it and you will see that it will start to grow.

So off he goes. A week later his friend asks him; so how is it going?

He says; well, no growth yet but the color is...

It is not cancer.

It is personal growth.

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What kind of skin growths are the biggest control freaks?

Anal warts.

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Attempt to remember and retell an old Danish joke

In the middle of the night, a man wakes up in a prostitutes bed after a wonderful evening with her. Thinking back he still marvels at the beautiful artwork the woman's pubic hairs had been turned into. Then suddenly he notices that his wallet has been moved, and on inspection he finds that a 500 bil...

A woman sees her doctor complaining about chest pains.

The doctor prescribed her some testosterone pills to help strengthen her heart muscle and warned of the expected side effects.

A few weeks later the woman returns for a follow up appointment complaining of hair growth in unusual places.

When the doctor re-assured that this was to be ex...

Have you heard about the recent abnormal growth in cancer clinics?

There are tumor down the street.

A Pokemon trainer goes to see a doctor

She is worried about a substantial, painful growth on one of her fingers, but the doctor tells her it's not a big deal: "It's actually quite common for a Pokemon trainer to have a bulbous sore on their hands."

Alfred Nobel lived in poverty but soon turned around his fortune and became one of the richest people in world in just a decade ......

Quite an explosive growth I've to say

I finally got the nerve to ask out the hot French exchange student...

But for some reason, instead of answering, she commented on my recent growth spurt.

But her English isn't so good and I had to correct her.

"No no," I said, "there is no 'ARE' in the sentence. It is just 'You grew some'."

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A man and his husband...

Were talking one evening over dinner when the more effeminate one expressed he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. The husband enquired as to what was happening...

Twink: “Well, I’m not feeling very ‘manly’ lately”.

Bear: “Oh hun, you are you and I love you, but why?”

Twink: si...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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I've just started working away from home and found I have a problem with flatulence sounding like a motorbike.

I visited the doctor and it turns out I have small growth just on the inside of my anus. "Is it serious?" I asked.

He replied "No no, just a case of abscess makes the fart go Honda".

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the growth state of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant a...

I’ve just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.

The estate agent assured me it’s a growth industry.

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The Plan

In the beginning there was a Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."...

There are two kinds of people.

Those who don't understand exponential growth and those who explain it to at least two people from the first group.


(Inspired by covid. Yeah, I know it kind of sucks but I am posting it here with hope that someone will come up with a better wording in comments).

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A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes. She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?". "Nope, tolio" he replied.

Then he takes off ...

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

Alfred Nobel got rich by selling dynamite

Growth was Explosive

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A lawyer walks into the doctor's with a frog on his head...

...The doctor says, "That's a nasty looking growth you've got there."

"I'll say." The frog replies. "It started out as a pimple on my arse!"

So y=e^e^x was hitting on y=e-1/x ...

y=e^e^x said, "come with me baby, I'll show you the natural growth of my log". "Sorry", replied y=e-1/x, "but even I have my limits."

A Women was prescribed male hormones

for a rare heart condition. After a few weeks, she became concerned about some side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor," she said, "the hormones are helping my heart, but I am afraid that you have given me too much. I am starting to grow hair in places I have never grown it before."...

A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck standing on his head

The doctor said - "how did this happen?"

"I'm not sure. It started a couple weeks ago as a growth on my foot," says the duck.

The American economy is like a tree.

All the growth goes to the top.

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

Lady brings Muffy to the Vet

Lady goes to the vet with Muffy, who has a large hairy growth emanating from her posterior.

"Doctor, can you do anything about that big hairy growth there?"

Vet says, "No problem, here's a prescription for some ointment, just rub it on the hairy growth and it'll be gone in no time at a...

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A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden.

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden. He was amazed looking at the size of the penis he had.

He called him and asked "How come you black men have such big dongs?"

Slave :Its an ancient secret passed on from our tribe through generations,when you have sex,...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it is within the power of a woodchuck to chuck wood?

You woodn't believe it, but the woodchuck axeually started his own branch. Experts suggest he took the wrong root to success, however, sapping all growth from the market.

I was recently fired from McDonald's for helping myself to too many cheeseburgers

I think I was misled about their "opportunities for growth"

Man walks in to a Dr. Office with a frog on his head

Dr. : How can I help you

Frog: can you please get this growth off my ass?

A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.

She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”

The doctor then reassur...

One in four people look down on smokers.

More proof that smoking stunts your growth.

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At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

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Make a business based around the micropenis

Overhead will be very little, but growth will be short

What is the mathematician's favorite pick-up line?

Hey baby, wanna see the exponential growth of my natural log?

Two recent philosophy graduates..

2 recent philosophy graduates, John and Andy, embarked on a cross-country journey to better understand the meaning of life.

They took with them their best friend, Bill, who was a college drop-out and a former drug addict who's now sober and helping his dad's business.

John and Andy tho...

/r/Jokes hits 2 Million subscribers

**/r/Jokes metrics:**

Total Subscribers: 2,006,077

Subreddit Rank: 35

Subreddit Growth & Milestones: http://redditmetrics.com/r/Jokes

I'm thinking of investing in cancer research...

I hear it's a growth industry.

How tall is Betsy DeVos?

We don't know, she can't measure growth.

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Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

[NSFW] Stan had a short father and a tall mother.

As child, he was always worried that he'd be short. So when he hit his growth spurt and became quite tall, he was very happy. Every time he would see a family member they would say *"Look how tall you are, you must get it from your mom!"*

With his considerably large stature came his considera...

Why doctors are so expensive

Cindy was having a lot of pain in her stomach, so she went to the doctors to get it looked at. She was told she needed minor surgery to remove a growth, and that the operation would take 15 minutes.

The surgery went well with no complications, but when Cindy was shocked to find out that the ...

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