UPJOKE

Chicken pot pi

### The average horse weighs 1000lbs and has a 20 inch D. That’s a ratio of 50lbs to 1 inch.

So an average man weighing 200lbs only needs a 4 inch D to be hung like a horse.

Be proud fellas

### A trigonometric ratio goes to the beach

It wanted to get a tan

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### Why did the trigonometrical ratio of a triangle go to jail?

Because cos B is a sexual offender.

### I have a fear of numbers which aren't the ratio of two integers.

It's really irrational.

### The Farmer was careful to monitor the ratio of roosters to chickens

He was trying to control ova population.

### I have achieved the peak ramen-to-income ratio.

If I make more money, I'll eat less ramen.

And if I make any less money, I'll also eat less ramen.

### Why do guys go to bars to meet women?

Go to target instead. The female to male ratio is 10-1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

### The ratio of guys to girls in my friend group

Is undefined!

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### In 1940 Goebbels made a speech...

Proclaiming that the Swastika was an example of the Golden Ratio.

Turns out it was a fibbin' Nazi...

### Lord Nelson was 5ft 6 inches. His statue is 17ft 4 inches.

That’s Horatio of 3:1.

### A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked "what is pi?"

The mathematician says "pi is the ratio of a circumference to its diameter".

The physicist says "pi is 3.1415"

The engineer says "it's about 3"

### An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to design a fence.

The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

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### Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

### The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs

was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

### Fun fact for you...

5 out of 4 people don't understand ratios...

### 23% of the crew aboard Christopher Columbus’ ship Santa Maria were named Juan

That’s almost a three to Juan ratio.

### Why did the Twitter kid have a panic attack in Maths class?

Because the teacher said they will be learning about Ratios.

### There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?

the one with the smallest *mu*

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**Preemptive explanation:**

Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the...

### We had an explosion in one of our chemistry labs last week.

Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.

We use a lot of helium in the military, that's why when there's a shortage you can't get it for balloons - it's being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.

On...

### King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments.

I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.

### What Do You Call A Group...

Of both crows and ducks, of which the ratio is 80% ducks and 20% crows?

A murder most fowl.

### Terrible pun...

An elderly German couple that own a butcher shop are minding the store one day, selling all sorts of meats and sausages when in walks a man with a bird under his arm.
The shopkeeper asks the man if he can help him and the man says "Yes, I would like to trade this bird for a few of your famous s...

### What does a female filmmaker look for in a guy?

His "ass-pec ratio".

### Albert Einstein & an indian man sat next to each other on a plane.

Einstein told him that he is a great scientists from Germany. Einstein tells him

"I’ll ask you a question and if you’re not able to answer it, you will give me 5\$, then you’ll ask me a question and if I’m not able to answer then I will give you 500\$.”

The man thinks 5\$ : 500\$ seems l...

### Why did Jesus lose his Halo?

Nobody wanted to play on his team any longer after he had a 0 and 2 kill/death ratio and it took him 3 days to respawn.

### An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

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### What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

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### There was a group of 1940s German mathematicians...

They told the world they had discovered the perfect ratio of plutonium to uranium in order to create fuel capable of space travel. They said it was simple, two parts plutonium, one part uranium. However, the rest of Europe didn't believe them because they were a bunch of fibbinazis.

### How to make the world a better place.

How do you raise the literacy rate while simultaneously lowering the poverty ratio of a town near you?

All you have to do is drive as fast as possible through the Walmart parking lot.

### The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

### At the races

A Statistician, Engineer and Physicist go to the horse track.

Each have their system for betting on the winner and they're sure of it.

After the race is over, the Statistician wanders into the nearby bar, defeated. He notices the Engineer, sits down next to him, and begins lamentin...

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### Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

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### New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

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### A verse of unit puns

The Units Verse
by Kevin Ahern

Two thousand pounds of Chinese soup
Will make a restaurant run

In Beijing, China order it
In units of Won ton