98% percent of the population is stupid.

Luckily I’m part of the 3%.

I give 110 percent!

That’s why I was fired from my job as a cashier.

They say 88 percent people are bad at maths

Luckily I am among the remaining 22 percent.

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

Survey

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.

(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis.

That's a rough estimate

The other day, I read that 40 percent of teens have tried drugs in school...

That was a hard pill to swallow.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

THE SHOPPER (long)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband ...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

It turns out that 70 percent of people are stupid.

Glad I’m in the other 20 percent!

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

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Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

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These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

“I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

“Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"

The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music." ...

Albert Einstein walked into a bar at 99 percent the speed of light.

The bartender said, "Why the short face?"

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

When a woman wears a bikini, she has 90 percent of her body exposed

Men, being the gentleman that we are, only look at the other 10 percent. (Hopefully not a repost)

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

I got 100 percent on my test!!

I was arrested cause apparently you can't drive when you're "drunk"

A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'

Only 4 percent of Texas residents think there is an immigration problem...

The other 96% said "que dijo?"

Why doesn't Bernie Sanders like low-fat milk?

It's the one percent.

New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.

Did you know that the Soviet Union had the highest percent of vegans?

Eating nothing = not eating animals

Those one percent-ers make me so mad.

Put some proper milk in your coffee, people!

You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

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They say when you sneeze it's ten percent of an orgasm

That's why I sniff pepper during sex, so I can give it one hundred and ten percent

85 percent of Reddit is smart people...

Glad I'm not in the other 19 percent.

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90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

What skill requires 90 percent arm strength and 10 percent groan noises

Tennis

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America

The rest cheat in Europe

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

Apparently 30 percent of under-6's in the U.S know how to use an iPad.

Whereas 100 percent of under-6's in China know how to make one.

I'm 100 percent against

animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.

The other day I invested in a meat company.

I bought a 20 percent steak.

Ninety-eight percent of lawyers...

give the other two percent a really bad name.

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Studies show unprotected sex has over an 8 percent chance of causing Cancer.

The same study found a near equal chance of causing Gemini or Sagittarius.

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I was looking at my bank statement and realized I was a .1 percent-er

I don't know why anyone wants to be one, it's a crappy interest rate.

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One-percenters and Jimmy Swaggart

One-percenters' relationship with politicians is like Jimmy Swaggart's with prostitutes. They pay lots of money to see other people get fucked.

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In answer to the question "would you have sex with bill Clinton" 87 percent of Americans responded

No. Not again

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural.

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghos...

What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white?

50 percent

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

A recent scientific study shows that,

Out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94 percent are too lazy to actually read that number.

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

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The Compassionate Preacher.

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received ...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

I'm 95% sure I'm either a kleptomaniac or a charitable person

Give or take a few percent...

Little Johnny was good door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got t...

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Life is a sexually transmitted disease

and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution

Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago.

A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth. She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the p...

A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night.

The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home.

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

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A good percentage of my friends are either racist, sexist, or Nazis.

Zero percent. That’s a good percentage of friends like that to have.

The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.

Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.

The father, who wanted best for his...

What an answer

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. ...

An Anti-vaxxer walks into a bar...

He stays sober and wants to go back home, but there's a bridge that comes in the way.

I tell him, "There is a 1 percent chance of the bridge breaking."

The anti-vaxxer jumped into the water and started swimming.

A husband and wife are in a hospital while the wife is starting to go into labor

Doctor: I have a new invention that will the pain from the wife to the husband, would you want to try it?

Wife: Quickly shakes her head yes.

Husband: If it’s okay with her it is okay with me.

Doctor *as he attaches some cables to the wife* : We will turn the dial to 15 percent ...

Restaurant

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw ...

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[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

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A fly walks into a proctologist’s office

And across the desk of that proctologist the fly goes into the issues that cause him pain.

“Well, where to begin... uhhhh let’s start with my credit, I took a dive of a FICO score from 670 to 450 in the last 6 months, my boss is cracking down on these new reports that corporate wants done da...

Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.

What do you call the top wealthiest people in Mexico?

The Juan percent.

Every 12 hour shift I work, I always give 110%

ten percent the first hour. ten percent the second hour. maybe take a nap. ten percent the fourth hour. ect...

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

[Long] A successful man, working as a sales representative...

...in a large company, tells his boss one day, “If you want me to continue working for you, I need a 20% raise.
You have 24 hours to give me an answer.
I have four companies chasing me, so let me know your decision”.

The boss is alarmed. “In this recession, a 20 percent raise?
So...

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

Valve shows the public a new game, Half-Life 3.

A fan of the series sees Gabe Newell, Valve's co-founder, and walks up to him.
"Hey, Mr. Newell, how did you do it? You actually made another Half-Life game!" the fan says.
"Well 15 percent was creating it, and 5 percent was thinking up the story." Gabe replies.

Confused, the fan as...

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

I assume 9 out of 10 redditors are guys

I’m only wrong about 10 percent of the time

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There was a major research project to find out how men became gay

They found that 17 percent of them felt they were born gay, the other 83 percent were sucked into it.

Job Security

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.

One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the re...

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Forgiving Your Enemies

After a long sermon, the priest asks his parishioners if they are ready to forgive their enemies. About half of the people in the congregation raise their hands. The priest talks for another 20 minutes and at the end asks the same question. This time, 80 percent of the parishioners raise their hands...

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