UPJOKE
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Percent Jokes

I give 110 percent!

That’s why I was fired from my job as a cashier.

98% percent of the population is stupid.

Luckily I’m part of the 3%.

They say 88 percent people are bad at maths

Luckily I am among the remaining 22 percent.

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

Therefore 69 is dirty.

Survey results show 64 percent of women have used vibrators.

The rest have new ones.

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days..

Congratulations. You understand Hanukkah.

6 percent of covid 19 deaths in America

Were due to the virus.


The remaining 94 percent died when they saw the hospital bill

Studies show that 75 percent of blondes have lower-than-average intelligence.

Luckily, I’m a blonde and I’m in the remaining 35%

What is it called when being in Top One Percent doesn't feel special?

Reddit Recap 2022.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

I got 100 percent on my test!!

I was arrested cause apparently you can't drive when you're "drunk"

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Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

Albert Einstein walked into a bar at 99 percent the speed of light.

The bartender said, "Why the short face?"

While only making up only 13 percent of the population

...people who don’t wear their seatbelt make up half of all car accident deaths. Wear your seatbelt.

85 percent of Reddit is smart people...

Glad I'm not in the other 19 percent.

When a woman wears a bikini, she has 90 percent of her body exposed

Men, being the gentleman that we are, only look at the other 10 percent. (Hopefully not a repost)

I'm 100 percent against

animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.

Only 4 percent of Texas residents think there is an immigration problem...

The other 96% said "que dijo?"

Ninety-eight percent of lawyers...

give the other two percent a really bad name.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

It turns out that 70 percent of people are stupid.

Glad I’m in the other 20 percent!

Those one percent-ers make me so mad.

Put some proper milk in your coffee, people!

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America

The rest cheat in Europe

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They say when you sneeze it's ten percent of an orgasm

That's why I sniff pepper during sex, so I can give it one hundred and ten percent

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According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

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One-percenters and Jimmy Swaggart

One-percenters' relationship with politicians is like Jimmy Swaggart's with prostitutes. They pay lots of money to see other people get fucked.

The other day, I read that 40 percent of teens have tried drugs in school...

That was a hard pill to swallow.

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

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90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

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Studies show unprotected sex has over an 8 percent chance of causing Cancer.

The same study found a near equal chance of causing Gemini or Sagittarius.

A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'

Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

Apparently 30 percent of under-6's in the U.S know how to use an iPad.

Whereas 100 percent of under-6's in China know how to make one.

What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white?

50 percent

A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution

Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago.

A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth. She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the p...

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I was looking at my bank statement and realized I was a .1 percent-er

I don't know why anyone wants to be one, it's a crappy interest rate.

What an answer

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. ...

Every 12 hour shift I work, I always give 110%

ten percent the first hour. ten percent the second hour. maybe take a nap. ten percent the fourth hour. ect...

What do you call the top wealthiest people in Mexico?

The Juan percent.

Today I learned.

TIL that our oceans are now ten percent spandex. Now they can fit the earth more snugly..

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There was a major research project to find out how men became gay

They found that 17 percent of them felt they were born gay, the other 83 percent were sucked into it.

(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis.

That's a rough estimate

New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.

You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

The other day I invested in a meat company.

I bought a 20 percent steak.

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

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A mother polar bear and her cub are crossing the tundra...

"Mom," says the little cub, "Was daddy a polar bear?"

"Yes," says the mother, "Your father was a polar bear."

"Was he a hundred percent polar bear?" asked the cub.

"Yes, he was one hundred percent polar bear" the mother replied.

"And mom," says the cub, "Are you a polar b...

After spending 90 days in the Persian Gulf, a sailor goes to complain to his master chief.

"Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world." The master chief replies, "Sailor, the Earth is 75 percent water. The navy showed you that, if you want to see the other 25 percent, join the army."

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

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In answer to the question "would you have sex with bill Clinton" 87 percent of Americans responded

No. Not again

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

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A good percentage of my friends are either racist, sexist, or Nazis.

Zero percent. That’s a good percentage of friends like that to have.

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Life is a sexually transmitted disease

and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

I'm 95% sure I'm either a kleptomaniac or a charitable person

Give or take a few percent...

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

Why is Bernie always mad at his phone at the end of the day?

It's a 1 percenter.

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Johnny’s mom was worried he didn’t look like anyone in their family.

After months of thinking about it, she finally decides to have a DNA test. She’s devastated to find out that her son is a zero percent match to her and her husband and goes to her husband to tell him.

“Hunny, Johnny is a zero percent match! He is not our son.”

“I know that!” ...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.



It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible ca...

An Anti-vaxxer walks into a bar...

He stays sober and wants to go back home, but there's a bridge that comes in the way.

I tell him, "There is a 1 percent chance of the bridge breaking."

The anti-vaxxer jumped into the water and started swimming.

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A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered...

... Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even...

I assume 9 out of 10 redditors are guys

I’m only wrong about 10 percent of the time

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These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

“I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

“Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"

The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music." ...

A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night.

The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home.

Well, that was not good..

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the
doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd
like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of
childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the>mother's
burden.<...

Once a feud broke out between boys and girls...

..in a college. To take revenge the boys posted on the notice board- 50 percent of the girls are stupid.
The girls got infuriated, and demanded justice. Its only when the college administration pressurized the boys to change what they have written on the notice board, the situation was brought u...

Exaggerations...

...went up by a million percent last year.

I named my kids after the place they were conceived

Although I'm almost 100 percent sure Intheass isn't mine.

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