UPJOKE

### For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

### An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"No" replies the Man

"Well then why are you so anxious?"

"That's amazing." says the second Man

"Yes" replies t...

### A new recruit in the Navy was being put through the paces by an experienced captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the recruit replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do th...

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### A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

### A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

### Life at a snailâs pace

One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop.
Three weeks later, thereâs another knock at his door.
He opens to find the same snail.
âWhatâd you do that for??!!â the snail yells.

### I'm a physicist.

Itâs 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands âwhere have you been!?â Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, âwell my colleagues and I went out just for ...

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### You're riding a horse full speed, a giraffe keeps pace beside you. A lion is chasing you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

### This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs \$3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

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### My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted,...

### Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

### Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No" the man replied. "Landmines."

A joggo!

### A boss asked his employee what can be done to pick up the pace at work.

The employee said, "Remember that pay raise I asked for a couple months ago......."

### The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

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### The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Boltâs world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

### A lot of East Slavic peoples lives must be pretty fast paced....

...I mean, most of them are always Russian

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### Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

### Job opening in a fast paced company

Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a \$400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?

Bob did, so he became a bus drive...

### Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor.

The nurse enters and tells the first man, âCongratulations, youâre the father of twins!â

âWhat a coincidence,â the man says. âI work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.â

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, âYou are the father of triplets!â
...

### Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

### A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

### A man is tired of fast paced city life so he decides to move to the country

As he is unpacking his new redneck neighbor walks over to his place.

"Howdy" he shouts, "To celebrate my new neighbor moving out here I thought we should throw a little party, there's gonna be a whole lotta dancing, a whole lotta drinking and a whole lotta screwing"

The city slicker ge...

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### She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another manâŚ
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets herâŚ"
The other man agreed to th...

### Two blokes are out playing golf

Jim and Dave are playing golf one day when they come to the 8th hole there are two women teeing off.

Jim turns to Dave and says "go ask if we can play through"

Dave takes off towards the two women but only makes it about ten paces before he turns around and comes back

"What's t...

### A husband and wife were visiting the zoo.

They were admiring the various animal exhibits and exotic plant life. When they arrived at the gorilla enclosure, the silverback immediately took interest in the woman. He began beating his chest and all sorts of grandstanding activities. If the woman moved to the left, the gorilla followed. If she ...

### Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

âThank you,â he says. âMy name is Cod, and Iâm a wish-granting codfish. Iâd like to grant each of you one wish ...

### A couple are expecting a baby

The day finally comes, and the husband takes his wife to the hospital and she is taken to the delivery room. The husband paces the floor waiting to hear the news.

Finally, the Doctor comes out and tells the husband that he unfortunately has bad news, and that his wife has just given birth to ...

### A man is walking his pet carrot

As heâs walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. âDoctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?â The doctors sighs. âI have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is aliveâ the man ...

### Late one night, Jack takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Hearing a tapping sound he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scared out of his
wits. Then he notices a man chiselling
a tombstone. "Thank goodness!" Jack says to the man. "You gave me a fright of my life. Why are you working so
late?"
"They spe...

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The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday, Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit...

### Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

### A blonde tries to go horseback riding ....

.....
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the man...

### Two Racehorses Were Discussing Why They Never Win

Racehorse 1: "I don't get it. We eat the best food, have the best training, the best racehorse genes, are so so fast, and yet we never win."

Racehorse 2: "It's heart-breaking, I simply don't understand."

A dog overheard them and said: "If I may interject, I have watched you two closely...

You older pervs will have heard this one.

So a young couple were out driving late, and got caught in a snowstorm. Wouldn't you know it? The car stalls while they're out in the middle of nowhere, and has to pull over to the side of the road.

The man pops the hood, exits the car & pr...

### Well, I'm in the emergency room.

I'm not sure how many bones are broken so today is not a good day. I decided to go horseback riding. Something I haven't done in many many years !!!. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fas...

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### Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, âHey man, whatâs that jar? I bet thereâs at least one grand in there!â

âAh, you must be new here. Itâs a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.â

âReally? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

### A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

### Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...

Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds a...

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### A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch

Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down ...

### This guyâs walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isnât another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bumpâŚbump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

### Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle open...

### A wife is running in the park

And takes a break to stretch near two men.

As sheâs stretching, a beautiful woman passes all three of them, and one guy says to the other, âlets go, thatâs our pace car,â and they run off.

The wife, very perplexed, waits for her husband to come home. She tells him what she saw in the...

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### An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

### So Abraham Lincoln and James Booth walk into a bar.

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, weâve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....

### A duke was hunting in the forest

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest fo...

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### I was hiking with my girlfriend, when suddenly, a really pissed off brown bear started charging at us...

Maybe her cubs were nearby, I don't know, but I've never seen such a crazed bear before in my life!

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.

One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took and I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

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### A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

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### When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

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### A family is driving through the prairies their car when they look over and see a chicken in a field running along beside them.

They are stunned, canât believe this chicken is keeping pace with 50 km/h! So they speed up to 60.

The chicken speeds up and is again keeping pace with their mini van. The kids are amazed and the parents are confused. So they speed up to 80.

Again the chicken keeps up! They are in disb...

### I was taking a walk around the neighborhoodâŚ

âŚwhen I saw a man pull up next to a little girl walking on the sidewalk and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."

I was about to rush over when I noticed that the girl just kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two ...

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### The Horny Rooster

Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for ...

### I was walking home late at night along a dark street. There was a young woman walking a few steps in front of me.

She crossed over to the other side of the road; I crossed over too.

She quickened her pace a little; I quickened my pace too.

She broke into a run; I broke into a run too.

She panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather; I panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-...

### American female journalist in Afghanistan

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men.

She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later...

### With this new app, you'll be able to keep track of the speed at which your pet mice move and share it online in just a matter of seconds.

Introducing: Mice Pace

### A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's \$100 for the statue and \$1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

### So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

### I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point...

### A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots at once

The bartender brings out the shots and the man downs each one quickly.

The bartender is a little concerned by this and decides to say something

Bartender: "Hey Buddy, why don't you pace yourself a little? That can't be healthy."

Man: "You would be drinking like this to if you ha...

### A runner walks into a bar

The bartender says: why the long pace?

### A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

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### I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild,
romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now',
...

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### Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

### One sperm said to the other sperm "I'll race you to the egg!"

The other sperm said "OK, but pace yourself, we just passed the throat!"

### My boss phoned me today...

My boss phoned me today. He said
"Is everything OK at the office?"
I said "It is all under control.
" It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take
a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor" he asked.
I said "Of course, What is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the...

### Mary and Joseph are trying to find a name for their son

Joseph paces back and forth inside the manger, and hit his head because of the low roof.

"Jesus Christ!"

and Mary: "Ehy, I like that"

### Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

### A proctologist quits his job...

A proctologist named Bill decides he is tired of practicing medicine and quits his job to pursue his dream of being a car mechanic. He enrolls in a trade school and after some time the final exam is given. The test solely consists of disassembling and reassembling a car engine. The teacher tells the...

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, âI...

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### (Censored version so it doesnât get taken down again) Three men climb to the top of a tall mountain

Suddenly, it begins raining, therefore the three men wonât be able to get back down safely until the rain stops. Suddenly, a genie appears and informs the men that if they name an object, they will be able to jump off the mountain and land on that object. âPillows,â says the first man. The man then ...

### This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

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### I was walking behind a woman last night

Suddenly she glances back and picks up the pace. So I do too.

She walks even faster, as do I.

She starts running, and I run too, as fast as I can until I get home.

I still donât know what we were running from, but I was scared shitless.

### What do an artist and a runner have in common?

They both have masterPACEs

### The lawyer and the witness

The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.

âWould you tell the court at what time the murder occurred?â

The witness tapped her chin, âI think -â

âWe aren't interested in what you think,â said the attorney. âWe only want the *facts*.â

The witness frowned. âI'll give...

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### A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

### A man goes to heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven, where he is met with Peter in a room full of clocks. The man looks around and sees something weird: all the clocks are going at a different pace. The man turns to Peter and asks him what all does clocks are about.

Peter replies: that is what we use to see if som...

### A man driving down a freeway road at 55 MPH.

He looks out the window and sees a chicken running along side his car. He speeds up to 65 and the chicken is keeping pace with him. He notices that the chicken seems to have multiple legs but before he can confirm it the chicken takes a hard left turn down a dirt road. Intrigued he turns around and ...

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### Two tigers were strolling through the woods, one behind the other.

The one at the back suddenly paced forward, and gave a quick lick to the other's butthole.

"Hey! Cut it out!!???" It snapped looking back. The tiger at the back immediately apologised and they continued walking.

After a little while this happened again. This time the one in front turne...

### A joke.

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. N...

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### An old man sits next to a young man at a bar...

An old man sits next to a young man at a bar and they get to talking.

The young fella is lamenting how he gets tounge-tied whenever he tries to talk to a pretty woman.

"I try to tell them that their face is pretty but instead, what comes out of my mouth is: your pace is fretty. ...

### My workplace is like an episode of Gilmore Girls

Fast paced and full of unlikeable characters.

### A new bell-ringer at Notre-Dame...

Since the passing of Quasimodo, Notre-Dame has needed a new bell-ringer. The priests held auditions for an entire day, but no one could quite live up to the task. Near the end of the day, when they were ready to call it quits, a man with no arms approached them.

"Hi, I'd like to audition to b...

### What did the audience say about the virologist's set at the comedy club?

He had an infectious sense of humor, but needed to work on telling his jokes at a less feverish pace.

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### A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapistâs office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, âwell the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled âHARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!â and at some point I just couldnât keep up... so we split.â

âWell,â said the therapist, âwhat about the sec...

### An elderly Australian woman is visiting her son in the US for his birthday.

She arrives at LAX early in the morning and arranges to drive to his house, in New Orleans, in order to âtake in the sceneryâ and see what the American South has to offer.

She drives at a leisurely pace, and stops at scenic viewpoints whenever possible, knowing she has some time to get to he...

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### A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

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### Lets go for a walk!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor taught the women how to breathe and explained to the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exer...

### Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!

They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"

They...

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### An man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young ...